Many Christians are having problems with their pastor.
In fact, here are three common phrases people use to find this blog … along with my thoughts on each phrase:
First: “control freak pastors”
For my money, a control freak is someone who tells others what to do and how to do it.
A control freak pastor tells the janitor, “Here’s how to sweep the stairs.” He tells the women in the kitchen, “Here’s how to organize the refrigerator.” He tells the music director, “Here’s how I want the band to look on stage.”
Since the CFP (control freak pastor) doesn’t trust those around him to do ministry well, he’s constantly telling people, “No, don’t do it that way … do it this (my) way instead.”
While a pastor should set high standards for ministry – after all, we represent God Himself – he needs to recruit gifted leaders, train them, turn them loose, and then take his hands off their ministries.
When people are looking for help with a CFP, I suspect they’re upset because they believe their pastor is interfering with their ministry.
My guess is that a high percentage of pastors are CFPs. Here are two ways to deal with them:
First, ask your pastor, “What does success look like in my ministry?” Ask him to use a single phrase: “There’s no visible dirt on the stairs … you can see and access everything in the refrigerator … band members fill the entire stage.”
Second, ask him, “If I meet your standard of success, will you let me do it my way?”
If the pastor agrees, he only appears to be a CFP. If he doesn’t agree … or agrees and reneges … he may be a CFP … and only you can decide how much you can endure.
Of course, if you’re a control freak … that could very well be the issue!
Second: “manipulative pastors”
What’s the difference between manipulation and motivation?
When a pastor is using manipulation, he wants you to do something because it benefits him. When he’s using motivation, it benefits you.
Here’s the difference:
The manipulative pastor says, “I want every family in this church to give $1000 toward retiring our mortgage so I can sleep better at night.”
The motivational pastor says, “I want every family to give as God leads you so we can retire the mortgage and free up funds for ministry to your family and unchurched friends.”
The manipulative pastor will violate you to get what he wants … and you can sense that intuitively.
The motivational pastor will never make you do something you’re uncomfortable doing.
Manipulative pastors are me-centered; motivational pastors are others-centered.
Here’s a simple question to determine whether a pastor is being manipulative or motivational:
“Do you want me to do this for your benefit or for mine?”
A better question might be, “Do you want me to do this for your glory or for God’s?”
My wife and I once attended a church service where a guest speaker was manipulating people to come to the front. I took her by the hand and said, “We’re out of here.” We left and never looked back.
If your pastor must use manipulation to get people to attend, give, or serve, call him on it … and if he doesn’t change, leave and never look back.
Third: “pastor severance package”
When a church’s governing leaders are thinking about removing their pastor from office, they usually want to know whether they need to give him a severance package … and if so, how much they should give him.
If the pastor is married and/or has kids, the answer is “Absolutely.” Since pastors don’t pay into unemployment, they’re not eligible for it … and most pastors live paycheck to paycheck.
It all depends upon the church’s finances and the pastor’s tenure.
Some church boards choose to give their pastor as little severance as possible … maybe a month or two … especially if the church doesn’t have much money in reserve.
But a good rule-of-thumb is that a pastor be given one month’s severance for every year he served in a church.
In our day, nearly half the pastors who are forcibly terminated never return to pastoral ministry. They need healing … retraining … and assistance … especially if their wives don’t have a full-time career.
Dismiss a pastor without a severance package, and you may destroy his family … and the faith of his wife and kids … or force him to start a church nearby … in which case your church may become his mission field. Pay him well, and he can afford to move away.
Dismiss a pastor with a token severance package … far less than your church can afford … and you may hurt his family and your own church as well.
Do you want God’s blessing on your church? Then treat the departing pastor with generosity and dignity. A friend who served a church as an interim pastor actually went to the church board and got the previous pastor more severance money than he was originally promised.
And if I was a pastoral candidate following a termination, I would want to know what kind of severance the outgoing pastor received because that would speak volumes about how I’d be treated in a similar situation.
I’ll write more about these phrases another time.
Is there another alternative when faced with a manipulative pastor othe than just leaving the church? I have been a member of our church for 17 years and am a deacon, sunday school teacher, and sometimes handle our Wed night Bible study. Our pastor of 8 years is a very passive agressive, manipulating sort. He has decided that our church will have only one service a week (if we want more, than we’ll have to start something ourselves, he will not be leading it), that he will work out of his home and not out of a church office, and has made it clear that he will not be participating in most after-church activities. In the 8 years he has been pastor, he has twice attended church outreach programs (feeding the poor, providing meals to a half-way house, etc.), saying that the senior pastors at the other churches where he served never went out on these ministries and that he wasn’t either. He preaches about 40 Sundays a year, leaving the other 12 messages to be preached by other laypersons in the church, or someone he’s invited to speak. The church pays for all those who fill in. I could go on, but I hope you get the picture.
I have twice addressed these issues with the pastor and both times he turned the tables on me, questioning my spirituality, my love for God, and even my mental state. I now realize that he was totally manipulating me. That he can’t stand having someone point out his failures and shortcomings. It’s NEVER something he’s done, its something that I or someone else has done. He has also done this to other deacons. Most have crawled back into their corners, believing that they had caused the pastor pain and were guilty of coming against God’s man. Others have shown that they are not willing to put up with the backlash and velvet-gloved abuse. I still feel that the pastor needs to be called out … that folks need to see who he really is. He always comes across as the happy-go lucky, loving everyone kind of pastor. But I have seen his dark side, the one that denigrates and accuses … the one that blows up in mock anger, just for effect.
I dont’ want to leave the church and all the friends I have made over the years. Most importantly, I don’t feel that the Lord is ready to release me to another church. So, how can I effectively counter this manipulation? How can I get the pastor to change his colors or, failing that, get others in the church who are fooled by his outward demeanor (that they see for 45 minutes on Sunday morning), or those who the pastor has helped save their drug-addicted teen or helped them turn from their bottle of booze (in their eyes, he’s their “savior,” and can do no wrong) …. what is the answer? What is the correct and Biblical approach to resolving this issue?
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Thank you for writing. I can sense your pain. You write well and you’re able to express yourself clearly. I’ll do my best to respond to your concerns.
You asked this question near the end of your comment: “How can I get the pastor to change his colors?” In a nutshell, you can’t make your pastor change. Only God can make your pastor change. You’ve already approached your pastor twice … which I commend you for doing … and he didn’t seem to respond in a positive manner. So what can you do now?
First, you can maintain the status quo, but I sense that you’d prefer not to do that.
Second, you can pray fervently that your pastor will change. If you do this, your pastor may or may not change, and if he does, any changes may come about slowly. As people age, they don’t tend to change very much. My wife has been trying to change me in certain areas for forty years, and she’s had some small successes, but I’m basically the same guy she married. Your pastor is likely the same guy that he was when he first came to your church as well.
Third, you can gather some people around you and tell them your concerns about the pastor, but you need to watch your spirit so you don’t become divisive. Right now, this seems to be your issue, not anyone else’s. It may be that you have unique insight into human behavior that most people don’t have, but that doesn’t mean you should spread your unique insights around the church.
However, if the deacons in your church are the official board, then there is something you can do. I’d wait until the pastor uses manipulation again, and then ask the pastor about it in a board meeting. (Ask, don’t accuse.) That way, you’re talking to him face-to-face, but you’re escalating the matter as Matthew 18:15-15 advises. If the pastor tries to bully you again, you’ll have witnesses, and then you’re free to discuss his behavior with the other deacons and gauge the magnitude of his behavior.
Finally, you can leave the church. I hear you when you say you don’t want to leave, but if the pastor stays, and you stay, you’re just going to get more and more frustrated, and become potentially divisive. I operate by a basic rule-of-thumb: if you don’t like your pastor, leave the church. Life is too short.
Some pastors are manipulative, and I don’t believe that behavior honors God. It’s wrong to say that people are unspiritual just because you disagree with them. (When I was a pastor, I may have thought certain people were unspiritual, but I would NEVER tell them that.) But many people … including pastors … who are manipulative are unaware that they’re manipulative, even if you point it out to them. They don’t see it the way you do. You can sit with them for three hours, detailing how offensive their behavior is, but they’re blind to it because they’ve operated that way for so long. Personally, I believe that manipulation is a poor substitute for authentic motivation, but your pastor may not know how to motivate people.
As far as some of the other issues go:
*Most churches where I live have only one service. Some have two services on Sunday mornings, but most don’t have a Sunday night or midweek service. I don’t know how old your pastor is, but as pastors get older, they don’t want to work as many nights. That may be a factor here.
*In my last pastorate, I spent about 2/3 of my work week at church, and about 1/3 at home studying. I couldn’t study at church, and I couldn’t administrate the church from home. The pastor needs to spend some time at church, and if he won’t, I believe that’s grounds for dismissal. The official board and the pastor need to discuss this and come to a mutual understanding. For all you know, the pastor might be spending his time at home playing video games.
*Personally, I think that preaching 40 Sundays a year is fine. That’s how many I preached in my last ministry, and I had an agreement with the church board to that effect. Preaching is hard work, and it wears you down mentally and emotionally. It’s good to have some breaks. People need to hear other voices … not just one … and I know other pastors who preach about 40 Sundays as well. It’s not unusual.
All pastors are flawed individuals. God only uses imperfect people. If your church is expanding Christ’s kingdom, then God may be using your pastor in spite of his flaws. If your church is rapidly shrinking because of your pastor’s flaws, then somebody has to deal with the issue.
If the deacons are the official board, see if the pastor has a job description. If he doesn’t, suggest that one be created, and that the pastor have input on it. Then some of the issues that bother you can be discussed and negotiated.
I hope what I’ve written is helpful. Feel free to respond.
Jim
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I had to repost to check for email notifications so please reply on this comment. Thanks! 🙂
Hello Sir,
I am a 19 year old young lady. I don’t even know if this blog is still open of if you will reply but God has led me here for a reason. I recently turned my life to really follow God wholeheartedly (about 4 months ago). Right now I am studying Proverbs and praying to God for wisdom and understanding. I was raised in the church, and have been in the same church since I was 7 and we have have quite a few different pastors since my first pastor left about 7 years ago. The pastor that we have now is the reason that I was researching and came across your post. He came to our church with such high hopes believing that he could really change things (I go to a small country church and there are a lot of problems that need mending). However, in reality, he has only added things that seem to make the church better but really has not helped fix any problems that were there when he arrived (he has been there for 2 years). Ever since I was small I have been a food judge of character and good at reading people, it is a gift that everyone does not possess. To me it really seems as though he feels that he has something to prove, he wants to be the person to change the community without first changing the church he is over (the church is in a troubled neighborhood). He preaches with the most enthusiasm when there are a lot of people there(which does not happen that often) (I apologize for all of the parentheses but I have a lot of side notes). On regular days he is much more lackluster and even sometimes rushes through his sermons as though he does not want to be there. So many people in the church don’t notice these things but I do. Also, he is not the person he says he is, in church he is “perfect” he does not acknowledge his wrongs, he does not preach sermons on things he has done in the past because doesn’t want people to know about them (the only reason I know is because my parents told me because they didn’t want me in the dark when I began to question). He also runs his own business and does some faulty things that are illegal and he has a temper with his workers sometimes when they don’t want to participate (I only know of one instance of this but I’m sure it has probably happened before). The church was corruptish when he got there and instead of helping the people who have gotten it that way, he has made friends with them and participates in the activities…. Now Pastor Tim, I don’t know what to do, my parents aren’t really any help and I don’t know who to ask what to do, but I know God led me here and I pray to him you get this. I know I need to speak to him (privately, which I have done before for things regarding me but not him, and the one time I did say something, respectively of course, he basically acted as though I had said nothing and turned the matter onto me and something I was doing wrong). I really don’t know what to do, because I really just have the rest of this summer because I am in college and I won’t be coming home near as much because I have a church at college that I go to now. There is a group of kids at my church that are close to my heart and I want them to be able to get the help they need and they won’t be able to get it from him because his attitude is not in the right place and he can not relate to them because he does not acknowledge his past. I don’t know, I see you said that it is harder for older people to change (he is in his upper 50s) but I’m going to start praying for him and hopefully take your advice and pray about it too.
Thank you in advance Sir,
God Bless You
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Thank you for writing. I’m so glad for the changes the Lord has made in your life! That’s wonderful.
You’re in a difficult position. On the one hand, the Lord has given you insight into people, but on the other hand … because you’re a fairly new believer and because of your age … some people might not be inclined to listen to those same insights.
Here are my thoughts on what you wrote:
*It takes a long time for a pastor to effect change in an established church. I don’t know if your pastor is from a rural area or not, but if he isn’t, it may take many years … as many as ten … before he’s fully accepted. That may be why your church has gone through so many pastors. Small churches and rural churches change very slowly, if at all.
*It’s natural for the pastor of a small church to become discouraged, especially if he has big dreams for that church and community. Whenever a pastor speaks publicly, a big crowd provides more energy for him as a speaker. They give back to him as he’s speaking: nodding, laughing, saying “Amen” … things like that. The pastor has energy … they give energy back … and then he has more energy.
But when you’re speaking to a smaller crowd, the pastor has to provide most of the energy himself. The congregation doesn’t give back nearly as much. It’s a common problem for pastors in smaller settings.
*If the pastor is “lackluster” during the week, it may be because he’s depressed. I’m not saying he is … I’m just saying it’s a real possibility. Many pastors are depressed when they go to a church … think they can effect change and see it grow … and find out it’s much harder than they thought. Don’t tell people he might be depressed … just pray for him and encourage him whenever he does something well.
*When you say the pastor has done things in the past … what has he done that he needs to tell people? Maybe that was dealt with when he was hired. Let’s say he once robbed a bank. That would show up on a criminal background check and the search team that recommended him to your church would know about it. But what if it happened 20 years ago and there haven’t been any problems since?
If you’d like to tell me confidentially what he’s done, please write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org and I’ll give you my opinion on the seriousness of his past.
*Is your pastor bivocational? Is that why he runs his own business? How do you know he does things that are illegal? Do you know this from hearsay or from eyewitnesses?
*As far as his temper … we all have a temper at times, don’t we? Some of us struggle with our tempers our entire lives, but most of the time, we’re under control. When we get out of control, we need to admit that we messed up and ask for forgiveness. Maybe your pastor did that already with his workers. If not, they are the ones who have to deal with him.
*When you say your church is corrupt, how do you know that? What makes it corrupt? Is someone benefiting financially in an unethical or illegal way?
*As far as your pastor goes … if you see or hear him do something wrong … and God leads you to speak to him … then just deal with what you witnessed. Otherwise, I would encourage you to be careful about accusing your pastor of certain sins. I’m not defending him … it’s just that Scripture commands God’s people to be careful how they deal with their spiritual leaders (Matthew 18:15-17; 1 Timothy 5:17-21).
My encouragement to you is to focus on your own spiritual life right now. If you can’t worship at your church because of the pastor … even though your family goes there … then find another church and worship there. And I’m glad you have another church to attend when you go back to school.
Many smaller churches are dysfunctional for years. If a healthy pastor comes and tries to change them, they respond poorly, and he ends up leaving. Then they call a new pastor, and the same cycle happens all over again. Most of the time, the only way that church can be changed is for a few key dysfunctional lay leaders to leave the church. But as long as they’re entrenched, there isn’t much that can be done. Trust me on this one!
Please feel free to write me in the future at my ministry email address if you’d like to speak more candidly. God bless you as you wrestle with these issues!
Jim Meyer
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