Have you ever had this happen to you?
Someone you know and love is heading in the wrong direction. Maybe they’re drinking too much, or blowing money sky high, or are on the wrong career path. You really want them to know how you feel, but you’re not quite sure you should get involved.
So you wait. And you pray about it. And you muster up your courage. And you pray about it some more. Then you wait for just the right time, all the while mentally rehearsing the words you’re going to use.
Then the moment presents itself … and you chicken out. You let the opportunity pass. You begin to second guess yourself, wondering if you’re just too critical. But that good friend continues to make poor decisions, and you know you just have to say something. So you do … and it all goes horribly wrong.
Your friend is hurt by what you said, so hurt that you fear you’ve risked your friendship for good. You try phoning your friend, but she won’t call back. You email her – zilch. You text her, but she doesn’t respond.
You go over what you said again in your mind. You tried your best to use the right words in a caring fashion. You monitored your tone during the minute that you spoke and believe you showed genuine concern. You honestly don’t feel that you did anything wrong, but your friend obviously doesn’t agree, and a cold war has broken out between the two of you.
It’s no wonder that people run from conflict like they’re fleeing from a rattlesnake on their front porch (a unique Arizona experience).
I hate confronting people. Who am I to tell someone that they’re messing up their life? Maybe I’m not the best person for the job. Don’t I have enough dysfunctionality in my own life to work on without intervening in other people’s lives? (The answer is “Yes,” so no need to comment!) Why should I take on the responsibility for how someone else lives?
The average person doesn’t have to worry about engaging in too many confrontations. Wives sometimes must confront their husbands. Dads occasionally need to confront their sons. Bosses periodically must confront those they supervise. But most of us are adept at dodging confrontations because we’re just not very good at them.
But when you’re a pastor … confrontation is part of your job. Staff members mess up. Volunteers don’t show up. Families nearly blow up. While you’d prefer not to deal with matters, one of the jobs of a pastor is to intercept entropy. If things are sliding downhill fast, you have to say something or else people will hit bottom and implode.
With staff members, you walk down the hall and have a little chat. Most of the time, it goes well. Occasionally, you have to call a staff member into your office so they know you’re serious. Some of the staff take correction well, while others never do. In fact, the source of a lot of conflict between pastors and staff members occurs right after the pastor engages in a confrontation, because from that moment on, many staff start viewing the pastor as their personal enemy. While the pastor may not be conscious of this fact, that staff member will probably tell his network how much the pastor hurt him, and how unfair he is, and how he doesn’t know if he can work for the pastor anymore – and some in the network will side with their friend, which can keep the staff member from trying to change.
When the pastor confronts a volunteer, some listen and comply with the pastor’s concerns, while others ignore the pastor’s wishes, complain to their network, or eventually quit.
No one ever puts “confrontation” into a pastoral job description, but it’s a necessary part of a pastor’s calling. Very few pastors are good at it, either by technique or by results.
Speed Leas is, in my judgment, the greatest living Christian consultant on conflict management. He takes a biblical yet realistic approach to the whole issue. I have read everything that he’s written on the topic that is currently in print, as well as his out-of-print manual Managing Your Church through Conflict, the single greatest resource on conflict I have ever read.
In the book he co-authored titled Mastering Conflict & Controversy, Leas wrote:
“I’ve always struggled with conflict in my life. Conflict has been hard for me. I haven’t understood it, and I haven’t understood myself when I’ve been in conflict. My work is partly a quest to understand what happens to me when I get in a conflict, so I can do better.”
I struggle with conflict, too. As a pastor, I never liked it and usually tried to avoid it, but there were times when I was forced to engage in it or else (a) a person might be destroyed, (b) a family might be destroyed, (c) the church might be destroyed, or (d) I might be destroyed. Knowing that confrontations can easily backfire, whenever a pastor senses God leading him to do it, that confrontation must be considered a loving act.
Paul put it this way in Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” Translation: only spiritual individuals (not just leaders) should confront others, but they should do it gently and with humility. Most of us are pretty fragile inside, no matter how we appear externally, and we rebel against harsh, arrogant attempts at correction. Most people – including children – only respond positively to demonstratable love.
I have found that I can usually control a lot of elements when it comes to confrontation: the place, the time, the seating, my tone of voice, my language, my facial expressions. But what I cannot control is how another person will respond to my correction attempt. That’s what makes confrontation so … adventuresome … and troublesome … at the same time.
Although I can’t locate the exact book in which he said it (half of my books are in boxes in the garage), I recall reading something Charles Swindoll once wrote. He said that about half the time that he had to confront someone, things turned out well, but the other half, things turned out poorly. Same confronter, different confrontees, varying results.
Maybe the primary reason we’re uncomfortable confronting people is because we can’t predict with certainty how our friend will respond – or if we’ll still be friends afterwards. But followers of Jesus need to obey their Lord, and Matthew 18:15-20 is still in The Book: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”
If that one verse was obeyed by all parties, friends would nearly always stay friends, pastors would almost never be forced out of churches, and churches would never split.
Although I’m not very good at confrontation – and admit it, you aren’t, either – we need to learn to do better. When confrontation works, people are transformed, families are saved, and churches become healthier.
With God’s help, it’s worth it.
Haha. I really am amazed at how professionally you write. I chuckled to myself as I read the end because you created a nice setup by demonstrating a problem and then provided a solution in a concise way.
The quality of your blog posts far exceed the average blogger on any subject.
(P.S. Nice use of the word entropy!)
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Hey, Ryan, thank you for your kind observations. Since I only read blogs occasionally, I don’t really have a basis for comparison, but I know I’m having a blast doing this. Why didn’t I do it sooner? Maybe I just feel a bit freer right now …
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Great post – nicely done. God has put this subject on my agenda for the year, too. Keep writing on this one. It’s a good series.
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It’s much simpler to write about confrontation when you don’t have to do it too much – at least for now. Unfortunately, I do have to confront Norman and Tito all too often, but I never get anywhere. Norman never listens to me because his hearing is almost gone (and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks anyway), and Tito just curls up his little four-pound body into a ball and buries his face. But I confront people in my head all the time … no names …
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I like the part where you said “Some of the staff take correction well, while others never do.” I hope that wasn’t written with me in mind. LOL!!!
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Kat, you may exclude yourself from any references that I ever make to “staff members.” Instead, if I ever refer to “the wild one,” be advised that is code for YOU! Thanks for writing!
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I like being known as the Wild One!
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