Restoring Kingdom Builders

Ever meet a Mean Christian?

My US History professor at the Christian college I attended was just plain mean.  Her voice was mean.  Her hair was mean.  Even her clothes were mean.

She didn’t like her students, and it showed.  And her tests – they were super mean!  They were multiple choice with 9 possible answers, including responses like a & b; a, b, & c; none of the above; or all of the above.

That, my friends, is proof positive she was mean.

But there was further evidence.  One day, she began class by asking a question.  No one answered.  She asked again.  No one replied.

She dismissed class in a dismissive tone, saying, “I’m not going to fill an empty milk bottle.”

I didn’t do well in her class.  It’s hard to learn from someone who doesn’t like you – especially when they don’t know you.

But Mean Christians aren’t confined to Christian schools.  They show up in churches, too.

In his book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, church consultant Peter Steinke makes the following observation:

“Church conflict is a growth industry.  My experience tells me that about four out of ten congregations in any five-year period face a moderate to serious conflict.  About one third of them take effective steps to recognize and address the situation.  Not only are the number of incidences rising, but also the number of people who are stubborn, deceptive, and mean.”

Mean Christians?  Isn’t that term an oxymoron?

Most of the Christians I’ve known – inside and outside of the local church – are pleasant, gracious, and kind people.  They listen to you, rejoice with you, cry with you, and pray for you.

Which makes Mean Christians stand out all the more.

Paul may have been writing to Mean Christians when he wrote Ephesians 4:31: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”  Paul echoes this same thought in Colossians 3:8: “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

Since the New Testament is clear that Christians should be loving, why do Mean Christians exist?

First, they had mean parents.  Some people had mean modeled for them by Dad or Mom.  It’s normal behavior, especially when they’re frustrated or under stress.  These people need “spiritual” parents, spouses and friends to model unconditional love for them.  While this may help us understand Mean Christians better, it doesn’t excuse their behavior.

Second, they attend mean churches.  When I was in seminary, a cassette tape was circulating around the school of a fundamentalist preacher who condemned a classic Christian book.  It was one I had in my library – not one I consulted much – but I viewed the book as an asset, albeit a little outdated.

But this preacher viewed the book as heretical and dangerous.  He recommended that all copies of the book be burned.  (I went home and hid my copy.)  And then he got his congregation to shout with him, “Down with _____!  Down with _____ (the author’s last name)!”  I wish I still had that tape, but alas, it’s disappeared.  But the preacher lacked grace, class, and sense.  In a word, he was mean.  (I wonder how many people in the church went to him with their personal problems?)

A small minority of preachers model meanness to their people – and create Mean Christians in the process.

Third, they use meanness to get their way.  Some people have learned that if they insult you, or embarrass you in front of others, or pick on your weaknesses, they can easily control you.  They use mean words and a mean tone of voice and mean looks as a way of saying to others, “Back off and do what I say!”

A guy like this was on the church board when I first became a pastor.  He could be charming, but without warning, he’d suddenly go mean – and you had no idea why.  It was easier to let him have his way than to confront him.

But I used to think, “If only someone had confronted you about your attitude 40 years ago, maybe you wouldn’t be so mean today.”  This lead us to the final reason there are Mean Christians:

Finally, they are tolerated by nice Christians.  Christians often confuse being nice with being loving, but the two are not identical.  The great Dodger baseball manager Leo Durocher once said of Giants’ manager Mel Ott, “Nice guys finish last.”

Nice churches finish last, too.

When a Mean Christian is on the loose, what do nice Christians do?  They appease him rather than oppose him.  They say, “It isn’t my job to confront that person.  I’ll leave it to the pastor/board/staff/ushers/nursery workers.”  The Mean Christian knows this and continues his scorched earth policy … until somebody finally stands up to him or her … if they ever do.

Peter Steinke writes: “In congregations, boundary violators too often are given a long rope because others refuse to confront the trespassers.  When boundaries are inappropriately crossed and people are harmed, no one wants to name the violation.  It’s as if the disturbance of the group’s serenity is a greater offense than the viral-like behavior.  Boundary violators go unattended and suffer no consequences.”

I once knew a woman who continually said caustic things to my wife – who had no idea what to do – so I encouraged her to address the woman’s behavior when it happened.  I encouraged her to ask this question: “What do you mean by that?”

Worked like a charm.

Just like Jesus asked questions of His enemies, I encourage you to ask a question the next time a Mean Christian lays into you or someone else.  Pause for a moment, and in a calm manner, ask:

Why did you use that tone?

Why are you trying to hurt me?

Why are you so angry?

We have to be careful, though … because there’s a Mean Christian inside each one of us, too.

“Beware lest, in fighting a dragon, you become a dragon.”