It’s tough to say goodbye, isn’t it?
It’s tough saying goodbye to your family after Christmas, or to a friend you may never see again, or to someone who is ready to meet Jesus.
And it’s especially tough saying goodbye to a church family.
In fact, two years ago yesterday, my wife and I said goodbye to a church family we served for 10 1/2 years. We tried our best to leave in a Christ-honoring way.
Years ago, I learned this adage: “The way you leave is the way you’ll be remembered.”
The following article is written primarily for lay people (rather than pastors and paid staff) who are thinking about leaving their church.
(If you want to think through whether or not you should leave, check out this article: https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2011/05/09/when-to-leave-your-church/)
Assuming the Lord is leading you to leave, how can you honor Him in the way you do it?
Let me suggest five ways:
First, articulate why you’re leaving. Put it in clear language. Examples:
“I cannot support the change in direction from missional to institutional.”
“I can no longer use my spiritual gifts in this church.”
“We need a church closer to home.”
“I need to be in a church that takes community outreach seriously.”
“I simply do not like the pastor.”
Be honest with yourself at this point. While it’s possible that you’re leaving because of a single issue, the likelihood is that you’re withdrawing because of multiple issues. Write them all down.
Second, compose a note to the pastor and church leaders.
When they leave a church, most people slip into the night and say virtually nothing to their church’s leaders.
As a pastor, I’d sometimes wonder, “Where has So-and-So gone? I haven’t seen them around the church for weeks.” In a smaller church, I’d contact those people myself. In a larger setting, I’d ask a staff member to do it.
But invariably, the ensuing conversation would be awkward for both parties. Those missing weren’t honest either with me or the staff member. We’d hear, “I’m just taking a break” – but what the missing member wouldn’t say is: “I’m checking out other churches on Sundays, and if I find the right one, I’m not coming back.”
Without a letter, the church’s leaders, as well as your friends, will privately speculate as to why you left – and they’ll most likely get it wrong.
They’ll guess it’s your walk with the Lord, or your marriage, or job stress … in other words, they’ll blame you for leaving … and in the process, they won’t stop to ask if there’s something they’re doing wrong that prompted you to go.
Only you can enlighten them.
That’s why once you’ve decided to leave, it’s best to write a letter to the leaders and make a clean break.
You’re still free to visit the church and retain friendships. But you need to clarify your status so people won’t guess (wrongly) why you’re not around … and so people stop contacting you to join a small group and serve in the nursery.
Third, write and send a classy letter. Guidelines:
*Address the Senior Pastor, the governing board members, and any staff you’ve worked with closely. If you send a letter to one person, they may choose not to tell the other leaders you’ve left – or why. By sending your letter to all the key leaders, the reasons for your leaving will be shared accurately.
Should you send an email? You can, but you have no idea to whom it will be forwarded. I’d send hard copies of letters via snail mail to people’s homes (not the church, where lay leaders may not check their mail for weeks) so everyone gets it at the same time. (And it makes it harder to pass your letter around.)
*Write a one-page letter, but no more. Be succinct.
*Thank the pastor and the leaders for their service and what they’ve meant to you. Even if you’re feeling angry or hurt, you can always say something positive about the church and its leaders on paper. (If you write a nasty letter, the leaders will forget your reasoning and focus on your tone – and you will look bad.)
*Be truthful about why you’re leaving. If the music director is an alienating egomaniac, then speak the truth in love. If you feel like a misfit, tell the leaders you’ve tried but can’t seem to fit in. If you think the church is going liberal theologically, say so.
If your letter is gracious but candid, it will be taken seriously, and may even do some good. For instance, if three good people leave because of the arrogance of the music director, the leaders may need to look into that matter more closely.
However, my experience is that once you announce that you’re leaving, the chances that anyone from the church will contact you are minimal … except for those people who want to use your departure to make a case against the pastor. Refuse to play their game!
*Write a first draft and let it sit for a few days. Then read it again and make appropriate changes. Ask family or friends to read your letter and offer suggestions.
Fourth, when you leave, LEAVE.
The worst antagonist I ever had in a church left the church … and then returned a year later to lead a rebellion. It was classless, tasteless, and unambiguously evil.
When some people leave a church, they stop attending services, serving, and giving, but sneak back around to be part of a small group. While some church leaders may look the other way if you do that, do you realize the signals you’re sending?
Please, find another church and leave your former one behind. It will cause less heartache for everyone involved.
Finally, leave with your head held high.
God leads us to jobs – then leads us to new ones.
The Lord may call us to live in the West – then call us to live back East.
The Lord leads us to one church for a few years – then He leads us away.
If you’re leaving because you’re bitter, then maybe you should feel guilty when you depart. But if the Lord is directing your steps, then just obey your Savior – and go.
If people from the church contact you, there’s no need to manufacture reasons for your departure. You’ve already worked through why you’re leaving in your own mind. Stick to your story without deviation and people will respect you.
But no matter how nicely you leave, some churchgoers will be hurt and some friends may shun you … and then you’ll learn who your real friends are.
Just realize there are seasons to all of our lives.
The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes put it this way in 3:1-7:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
… a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away …
a time to be silent, and a time to speak …”
If you’re happy with your church, great!
If you’re not … maybe it’s time to make a tough decision.
May the Lord grant you the courage you need.
Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.
Jim, I very well remember those Sundays. And you’re absolutely right — when it is time to go, it’s time to go (and God’s timetable is not always our own). But when you teach and preach that God is sovereign, we’re put to the test when we embark on a future that isn’t all that known to us.
I have known pastors who did not leave well. It’s truly sad. And I’ve known some who never seem to be able to let go well and move on (like they are trapped in that time forever).
Trust you and Kim are doing well!!
~~Chuck
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Chuck, I intended this article for lay people, but it just struck me that it could also be applied to pastors, which I did not intend. I’ll fix it manana – and contact you soon. Thanks for writing!
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This applies to other areas in life as well, such as jobs and relationships. A letter is always appropriate when leaving a job, a relationship may require a conversation, but sometimes people want to avoid what they think will be a confrontation. Your article demonstrates that it doesn’t have to be. People are sure eager to let us know when they have a not so great experience at Wendy’s!
But we take those comments to heart, contact the customers and follow-up at the store level. If enough people bring up the same issue then we know we have a deeper problem. A letter, as you describe, to a church could be helpful.
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When a person leaves a church, he or she may do some temporarily, not wishing to burn their bridges. I’ve known more than a few of those people … who wait until the current pastor leaves to return (thus confessing silently what their real issue was), or who want to “look around” but can’t find a better church – and so on. But when a believer has made a firm decision that “I’m leaving, and I’m never coming back,” then the letter protects their reputation – especially if it’s honest – and gives the leaders the opportunity to examine their church once again. To me, it’s important that the departing person goes on record as to why they’re leaving … or else their reputation in that particular church may be besmirched.
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Reblogged this on Nicole Efunnuga, M.S. – Christian Counselor and commented:
I’ve been having several conversations over the last few months with a friend who knows a large number of people who have left churches for various reasons. Many of these people struggle with significant pain as a result of negative church experiences that have caused them to abruptly leave a church and/or discontinue church attendance altogether. I believe this issue points to a relational struggle (with a leader, a fellow congregant, God, etc.) at its core.
I have chosen to re-blog the following post, which gives great practical advice on how to leave a church.
Have you left a church? How has this impacted your relationship with former leaders and/or fellow church members? How has it impacted your relationship with God?
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Hi Nicole,
Yes, leaving a church can be incredibly painful, especially if the church has become like a family. One does not ordinarily “leave” family permanently.
Many people who leave a church are struggling with a relationship, but I know some who have left for other reasons: they don’t like the church’s direction, or the way they spend money, or the way the board treats the pastor, or the fact they can’t use their spiritual gifts there, or the pastor’s preaching.
Have I left a church? I’ve been in paid church ministry for nearly 36 years, and on those rare occasions when I resigned, I usually did so to pursue another ministry. But right after I got married, my wife and I left our church (I’d been attending for 7 years) because I could no longer use my primary spiritual gift (teaching) in that church. In fact … and you may not know this … it is very difficult for non-staff individuals to teach adults in churches anymore. Most churches have only one teacher – the senior pastor – and even an experienced and gifted lay teacher can no longer find a teaching niche.
I’ve written a book which I’m just about to submit to a publisher about leaving a ministry, and I answer your last two questions extensively.
I’ll check out your blog as well, Nicole. Thanks for reading!
Jim
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Thanks so much for your comment. I agree with those other reasons you listed as well; I personally know people who have left a church for each one. In my profession/ministry, I have the honor of sitting with some of them as God takes them through the grieving/healing process.
I look forward to reading your book. There are many people that I know who can benefit from your ministry on this topic. It is needed in the Body of Christ,
Many blessings, 🙂
Nicole
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[…] am re-blogging this post by Jim Meyer, which gives great practical advice on how to leave a […]
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I thank you for this article it is a great help…I read When to Leave Your Church as well and it’s not that I didn’t know but someone confirmed it for me this past Sunday when they said you’re afraid of whose feelings you’re going to hurt and that’s how I was feeling,
I have been at this church for around 7 years (completion, my time is up) and I know that God has something in store for my family it’s been a bunch of battles all the while but I thank God that through it all he kept me…I’m going to miss some things that I was a part of but it’s about me and my spiritual growth.
May God Bless you!!!
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It’s good to hear from you, Dawnette. Sometimes we just outgrow a church. It was right for us at one time, but it’s not the right place for us several years later. While church-hopping is counterproductive, most believers don’t stay in one church their whole lives, either. Thanks so much for your feedback!
Jim
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