It’s been a while since I’ve presented an excerpt to my upcoming book, which should be published in September or October. The book is a real-life story about a group of people who joined forces to force a pastor to resign … using any and all means at their disposal.
The last chapter of the book presents FAQs on this kind of conflict. In most churches, there are churchgoers who know which perpetrators have launched an attack on their pastor … but to keep their friendship, they usually remain silent.
I’ll divide this question into two parts. Here’s the first part:
What usually happens to the perpetrators?
Realistically? Nothing. Biblically, however, perpetrators must be corrected before they strike again. This can be done by staff members, the governing board, or deputized members. However, if a transitional/interim pastor is hired after the pastor’s departure, he may have to oversee this thankless task. (Some transitional pastors are trained to deal with powerbrokers and request absolute authority before being hired.) Unrepentant individuals who target their pastor sense they are immune from correction and feel free to use the same template with the next pastor. However, in such situations:
Peace mongering is common. With tranquility and stability reigning as premium values, congregational leaders adapt to their most recalcitrant and immature people, allowing them to use threats and tantrums as levers of influence. Malcontents’ complaints never seem to cease. Unwilling to confront the constant critic, leaders set the table for the unhappy souls to have a movable feast of anxiety. By appeasing rather than opposing, leaders give control to reactive forces. Feed them once and leaders can be sure they will be back for more.[i]
As far as I know, no one took action against any non-board perpetrators in our situation. My counsel to any successor is, “Watch your back. They know the template.” Trull and Carter note:
Generally speaking, an incoming minister does not need to fear those who speak well of the predecessor. Those who loved, appreciated, respected, and supported the former minister will likely do the same with the new minister. The church member of whom the minister should be wary is the one who speaks ill of the previous minister. Those who criticize, find fault with, and express disappointment in the former minister will probably react to the new minister in the same way over time.[ii]
I have to confess, this really bothers me. For decades, pastors have been told that whenever there’s a major conflict in a church they’re leading, they need to resign to keep the church intact. But why should the pastor leave while those who initiated the conflict are permitted to stay? I suppose it’s easier to remove one person than many. And spiritually-speaking, the shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, just as Jesus did (John 10:14-15). But why don’t God’s people band together and ask the perpetrators to leave as well? If the pastor can find another church, they can find another church – and it’s much easier for them than for him. I saw the highlights of a basketball game in which both players involved in a fight were instantly removed from the game. Why doesn’t this happen in churches? Aren’t we rewarding people for their divisiveness without expecting them to change?
If I was a layman and my pastor was pushed out by non-board antagonists, I’d approach a board member and say, “If you confront those who perpetrated this conflict, I will stay in this church. But if you don’t deal with them, I will leave and find a church where they take Scripture seriously. And if anybody asks why I left, I will feel obligated to tell them.” While this may sound harsh, how can church leaders take no action against those who have driven out their minister? Steinke writes:
In congregations, boundary violators too often are given a long rope because others refuse to confront the trespassers. When boundaries are inappropriately crossed and people are harmed, no one wants to name the violation. It’s as if the disturbance of the group’s serenity is a greater offense than the viral-like behavior. Boundary violators go unattended and suffer no consequences . . . . The lack of attention only enables the repetition of the invasive behavior.[iii]
[i] Steinke, Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, 102.
[ii] Trull and Carter, Ministerial Ethics, 129.
[iii] Steinke, Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, 85.
Dear Jim,
This affirms my thinking that great care must be taken in selecting your overseers. Most of them tend to not be very decisive and when no blame is assigned, it is the pastor who gets it automaticaly.
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That’s so true, Peter, that the pastor gets the blame automatically. It makes no sense, but people scapegoat someone SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEIR OWN LIVES. “It’s all him,” they reason, “and has nothing to do with me.” But that’s like blaming a divorce on just one partner. The breakdown might be 90/10, or 80/20, or 70/30, but as soon as we assess a relational breakdown as being 100/0 (and we’re the 0), then we don’t have to make any changes. By the way, church boards NEVER admit that they’ve done anything wrong because they all defend and protect each other. Just some of the realities of church ministry …
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Hey Jim;
Good article (as always)! Appreciated what you had to write. I have found that people begin a campaign and Satan takes it from there. Sometimes a year or two in the making, things fester until they seemingly have a ‘life of their own.’ When it comes to the Board and those men standing up to the venom, they haven’t been trained by the pastor as much as they should have in order to be able to biblically stand up to such fodder. And the selection process is also full of shortcomings: I knew of a church where they were looking at potential men to be in leadership. One name was suggested which caught one man on the board completely unaware because he didn’t know who the man was! But the others said “he’s a good guy and comes to church when he can.” To which the first man replied, “Yes, but where’s the fruit of his ministry? Can he teach? Is he able to lead others well?” Needless to say, that proposed man was not nominated or presented to the congregation. But what a chance that church was taking on someone unproven simply because he was a ‘nice guy’?
Another situation I heard of recently had the pastor on the defensive. He actually had a meeting where he answered all accusations. Yet where was the meeting for those who started the whole thing? They did several things which were unbiblical, yet no one called them to accountability! Simply amazing. But it brings me back to the foundational point: pastors need to TRAIN and EDUCATE their boards on how to stand bibically at all times.
I’ve also found that most of these people who start the problem, leave the church and go someplace else. As one person told me once, “Once they got rid of the pastor, they all left.” A very sad commentary indeed.
~~Chuck
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Hello There Chuck,
Sorry it has taken so long for me to get back to you. I’ve been out-of-state this past week.
I agree with you that a pastor SHOULD train and educate a board on how to handle these situations. However, whenever I’ve tried to do so, I’ve had board members tell me:
First, “Is this really that serious an offense? We don’t think it’s that big a deal. Maybe you’re just overly-sensitive.”
Second, “These people are our friends. How can we confront our friends? We might lose their friendship. Besides, they’ve come to the church for a long time.”
Third, “Are you sure you’re quoting them correctly? It doesn’t sound like something they’d say.”
And on and on and on …
When I was just 19, my father-in-law told me something that has stayed with me my whole life: “Laymen won’t confront laymen.” They certainly don’t want to confront lay people … but no one wants to confront a pastor, either, which is why people go underground, form a coalition, and come out swinging.
But what does a pastor do when the dissenters are on the church board or staff … or board members align themselves with staff members? For a pastor, it’s like he’s on a slow death march, if he finds out at all.
I appreciate all your observations, Chuck. Great counsel from someone who has been there!
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Praise God for your site and upcoming book! I haven’t gotten a thing done all day because I have been reading this! I could write a book about what has happened in just the past several months after my husband has had a pretty enjoyable pastorate in our church here for 17 years. The reality is, he has resigned with no job lined up, we have to part with our new home we just moved to the country 3 years ago, my son is a senior in high school and my aging parents followed us here and settled in 5 years ago. I know that God will take care of all of us, but it sure could have been less life-altering for a few disgruntled people to just find another church that had the leader they want. Next ministry my husband will be training his leaders well for how to handle conflict!
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Thanks, Shelli, for your kind comments. I feel for you and your family. My wife and I have an idea what you’re going through.
It might be interesting if you did write a book. These days, you have to self-publish because the major publishers only want to publish books that are guaranteed to sell. But we need many more stories about what’s really happening in churches. It’s a gut-wrenching experience to relive it over and over in print, but it gets better with time.
When I wrote my doctoral project on conflict, my editor could not believe that some of the things I wrote about happen in churches. We can only lick this problem if more pastors – and their wives – tell their stories. Let me know if I can help you in any way.
The conflict that happened to us lasted only 50 days … although it had been brewing for weeks before that.
If I started a forum for pastors and their wives to tell their stories about conflict, would you be interested? It’s something the webmaster and I have been thinking about.
God bless you and your family, Shelli!
Jim
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Jim, I think we would be interested. Sometimes I feel like these last months we have been living in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Praise God for some dear friends within our body of believers who have helped us to not sink into that miry pit. Our story is different than most because my husband got thrown under the bus with warm caring smiles and therapeutic talk, etc. Our church was once assessed as the “okey dokey church”, in other words “passive-agressive”! Anyway, yes, our hearts have broken for fellow pastors for years and if sharing experiences can be of help to anyone we would be glad to do it. God is so faithful and we are excited for what He has in store for our future despite this disappointing ending to our ministry here. As we know that Rms. 8:28 is a promise for us believers! We will see what He does! God’s blessing back at you and thanks for being faithful! 🙂
Shelli
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Thanks, Shelli, for your positive response. Almost every pastor who has been through a tough experience is willing to share their situation privately, but most are unwilling to share publicly, which is why we can’t get the tragedy of forced exits onto the radar screen of the average Christian.
If I’m able to set up the forum, you wouldn’t have to use your names, but we still need more pastors to tell their stories.
There’s a template to these things, and I have a whole chapter in my book about it.
Let’s keep in touch … and may God shower you and your husband with His grace and love.
Jim
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sounds good! Will look forward to your book!
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