Have you ever attended a “secret meeting” at your church?
I have … on at least three occasions. On each occasion, I as senior pastor met with the church board to discuss disturbing allegations that had come to light about staff members.
So what I’m about to write about does not primarily apply to officially called meetings of a church’s governing board … unless the board violates Scripture, church bylaws, and the gospel.
But have you ever had a group call a secret meeting about you?
Yes. I know of one definite secret meeting where I as pastor was the topic of conversation, although there have probably been others that I’ve never found out about.
During my second pastorate, a former board member (I’ll call him Bert) resisted changes that the church board and I had implemented in our worship service. Bert and his wife left the church and began attending elsewhere, but a year later – invited back by a few disgruntled individuals – he returned.
And right after Bert’s return, someone called a secret meeting. I was the unwilling focus of discussion.
The first attempt at meeting secretly didn’t work. A board member – who supported me 100% – showed up at the meeting unannounced. The meeting was quickly cancelled. (Secret meetings are no longer fun when they’re no longer secret.)
But the second meeting came off successfully. I was later told that 17 people attended the meeting. (That was better attendance than we sometimes had for midweek Bible study.)
Guess who became group spokesman? That’s right … my good friend Bert.
The group sat in a room and listed every sin … every offense … and every thing they didn’t like about me … my wife … my 9-year-old son … and my 6-year-old daughter.
They came up with quite a list. If they had only shown the list to me, maybe I could have repented of those sins and experienced instant sanctification.
But they didn’t show me the list … they wanted to show the list to the church board.
Fortunately, those 17 people couldn’t keep their mouths shut, and someone tipped me off to their tactics. The Secret Meeting Coalition wanted to meet with the church board to confess all my personal and professional sins.
So the following Saturday morning, I called a meeting with the church board in my office. First, I needed an answer to a crucial question:
“How do you feel about what the SMC is doing? Do you agree with them?”
The board assured me – to a man – that they stood behind me 100%. In fact, they said that if I resigned, they would all quit as well … which would place the church squarely in the hands of the SMC. Not good.
I then offered two suggestions:
“How about if two of you meet with two of their representatives?”
That evened the playing field … opened up the chance for dialogue … removed a lot of emotion from the meeting … and provided the best chance for me to be treated fairly. The board made this suggestion to the SMC, and they agreed to it.
“Rather than letting them read their whole list of charges against me, why don’t you answer each charge as it’s being made?”
The board thought that was an excellent idea, and that’s what they did.
After the two groups met, I was informed of the charges against me and my family. Mercifully, I can only remember a handful of them.
For example, I was accused of not reprimanding a woman in the church who wore her dresses too short … and the SMC was right about that. (Besides the fact that this woman’s marriage was falling apart, I never thought it was my place as a pastor to ever tell specific women how to dress.)
The SMC also brought up that my wife’s slip was showing one Sunday. (But if it bothered somebody so much, why didn’t they love my wife enough to speak with her directly instead of telling 16 other people about it?)
Every single criticism was precisely that petty. (If I had been guilty of just one major offense, they wouldn’t have had to manufacture miniscule offenses.)
After the two board members answered every single criticism, the SMC probably held several more secret meetings. They eventually left the church en masse, formed a new church in a school one mile away, and used our church as their sole mission field.
Let me make five observations about secret meetings in churches:
First, secret meetings are not found anywhere in the NT.
Secret meetings are spiritually dysfunctional … relationally damaging … highly political … and psychologically unhealthy. The secrecy itself says far more about group members than it does about anyone the group is focused on.
Peter Steinke, in his brilliant book Healthy Congregations: A Systems Approach, states: “When we are anxious … we are imprecise, vague, covert, less transparent. We operate in darkness. Secrecy is a deadly virus. Undetected, it can do untold damage, lasting for years. How can a congregation be a healthy community if it lives in darkness, keeps skeletons in the closet, and allows destructive disease processes to continue?”
Second, secret meetings are an unbiblical way to handle people’s grievances.
If someone was upset with me or my wife personally – according to Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15 – they should have spoken with us directly, not about us to others. If they didn’t like the answer they received from us, they could have proceeded to bring in witnesses as Jesus specifies in Matthew 18:16. And if they were still unhappy about our personal conduct, they could have used the process Paul specified for correcting pastors in 1 Timothy 5:19-21.
But how was listing my faults and sharing them with board members going to help me to become a better person and pastor?
If someone was upset about a church policy – like changes in the worship service – they could have spoken with any board member because we had all agreed on the changes together. If they didn’t like the answer they received from a board member, they had two options: stay and submit to church leadership, or leave the church peacefully. A secret meeting was not going to resolve any of their concerns.
But when people pool their grievances, they automatically become divisive. Joe is upset with the pastor for Offense A … and now Madge is upset with the pastor for Offense A as well. She takes Joe’s side … carries his offense … adds a few of her own … and the whole group falls right into the trap that one author calls The Bait of Satan.
Division in a church begins when people begin to pool their grievances.
Third, secret meetings tend to overfocus on one person – usually the pastor.
These meetings are specifically arranged to find a scapegoat for the unresolved anxiety experienced by some group members. “We’re feeling uncomfortable right now, so let’s blame how we feel on the pastor – and if we can make a case against him, we’ll all feel ecstatic very soon.”
But the church would have been in far better shape spiritually if those who had met to hypercriticize their pastor met instead to confess their sins … read Scripture together … pray for church leaders … and engage in a service project for somebody else. But for some reason, they never found the time to do that.
Fourth, secret meetings reveal the immaturity of participants.
Let me quote Peter Steinke once again: “Secret meetings are not arranged for the welfare of the whole community, nor are they dialogical in nature…. Secrets support immaturity. Underground murmurers in a community are usually insecure, dependent, and childish people.”
Why is this? Because participants in secret meetings do not feel strong enough to share how they feel with their pastor or leaders. They only feel strong when they meet with fellow malcontents. But when they do, nobody will challenge them … nobody will disagree with them … and nobody will love them into health. And when they finally leave the room clinging to a list of somebody else’s faults, they are silently confessing that they don’t know anything about grace or redemption.
Rather than becoming angry with people who resort to secret meetings, we should genuinely feel sorry for them … and if they don’t repent, pray them right out of the church.
Finally, secret meetings consist of ecclesiastical vigilantes.
These people ignore the teachings of Scripture on reconciliation … bypass due process as outlined in church bylaws … and decide to take matters into their own hands. Their group alone knows what’s best for the church!
That particular group of vigilantes couldn’t make a go of their new church. They found attracting newcomers was hard going, although I have a feeling that they never figured out why. Their church eventually disbanded.
And you know what was ironic? When two of the people in that group died, I was asked to conduct their funerals.
I assumed that everyone in that group hated me, but they didn’t. Only a couple of people in that group really hated me.
It’s been 25 years since that secret meeting took place. I’ve learned a lot since then about healthy and unhealthy behavior among Christians.
And one of the things I’ve learned is that many of the secrets that arise out of secret meetings eventually become known. Nothing stays hidden forever.
And yet tonight … all over this land … Christians will be holding secret meetings … most of them aimed at their pastor.
To quote from an old folk song, “When will they ever learn?”
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Check out my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org You’ll find my story and recommended resources on conflict. I will also be leading 3 seminars addressing church conflict on Saturday, August 17 in Temecula, California. The details are on the website. I’d love to have you join us!
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insights. This depth of understanding only comes from personal experience and years of dedicated research. You have a message. It is vital and important. Keep up the good work.
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Thanks for your encouragement, Margaret! And thanks for helping Kim out at the seminars yesterday. We both very much appreciate your kindness.
Jim
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My husband is going through this very thing. There’s another meeting tomorrow night….would love some advice. He’s a Pastor and this is the third meeting (we haven’t been invited to any of them) and he’s planning to go tomorrow night. We’ve even resigned the church and some are still bothering us. Any advice would truly be appreciated.
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Thanks for writing, Amy. Secret meetings are usually designed to build a case against someone … usually the pastor. If your husband has already resigned, could the meeting be about whether or not to pay him any severance?
Do you know who is going to the meeting and how many might be there? Where does the official board stand in all this? Is the meeting composed of lay people only or are there some board members involved as well?
Who stands by your husband right now?
Of course, since the meeting is supposed to be secret, maybe you’re not supposed to know any of this.
The best way to handle this is to somehow tell those who are attending the meeting that this is not the biblical way to handle these matters. I always use this phrase: “If you are concerned about policy, then contact those who made the policy. If you are concerned about the pastor’s behavior, then speak with him personally … one person at a time.”
Church policy is usually created in conjunction with official board members and/or staff members. The pastor should never take the hit for decisions he made with others! They should stand by their decisions and be willing to explain them. If he goes, maybe they should consider going as well.
People meet secretly because it makes them feel powerful. The truth is that there are probably just one or two ringleaders in the group and that the rest of the group is composed of the powerless. They feel powerful hanging around people who claim to be powerful. It’s all so sad, and so unnecessary.
I have learned this: if you or your husband or a supporter can convince one or two of the lesser lemmings not to attend the meeting, the whole thing might start to unravel. Secret meetings sometimes fall apart when “group members” bow out. It’s worth a shot!
Feel free to interact with me on this. If you write me back, I’ll check back before bedtime … in a few hours.
Jim
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Sorry Jim. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions, prayers, tears, confusion….anger and the list goes on and on. The meeting was to definitely make my husband look bad. It was about “finances”….even though there was no real evidence that he had done anything he was being accused of. We are truly and honestly heartbroken over the matter. The first meetings that we were not told about, were about us personally. We have adopted my nieces baby (who happens to be halfblack) and they didn’t like that apparently.?! First that we even took her and then rumored that it was because she was a mixed baby. Then they didn’t like the youth group….said they were a nuisance and weren’t “our kids” (meaning they didn’t belong to many of the regular Sunday church members…they were called “bus kids”. I have taught the youth for the past 10 years and I give all the glory to God…but we had a really strong and big youth group. Then there was a laundry list of petty little things…..we just don’t understand. We’ve been gone for nearly 4 months and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it all. We’ve been there for almost 15 years. Sorry to ramble…just wanted to update you. I have been teaching youth at our home and we’ve been having bible study on Sunday’s unless my husband is preaching somewhere else. God has blessed us…we didn’t have any savings, but He has taken care of us in ways that we cannot explain..that’s God for ya! I liked this statement that you made in your reply “People meet secretly because it makes them feel powerful. The truth is that there are probably just one or two ringleaders in the group and that the rest of the group is composed of the powerless. They feel powerful hanging around people who claim to be powerful. It’s all so sad, and so unnecessary.” This is so true. And the only people attending now are the ones that have been there all along. We did t ask anyone to leave and in fact encouraged everyone to do what God has laid on their hearts….but all that left are the original ones. We are sad, but healing. Angry, but learning to forgive. Thanks for taking the time to respond…it means a lot!! – Amy
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Thanks for writing, Amy. I will write back to you soon, but in the meantime, let me recommend a book to you. It’s by Dennis Murray … is on Amazon … and is called Healing for Pastor & People Following a Sheep Attack. There’s a lot of great stuff in there you won’t find anywhere else. If you like the book, send a few copies to friends of yours at their former church … and maybe they’ll give a few copies to the leaders who let all this happen to you.
Jim
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Amy,
A few thoughts about your note:
First, if a pastor is accused of doing something wrong involving money and sex … even if he’s pure as snow … those charges almost always stick. If Jesus were here today, He’d be accused of mismanaging the Disciples’ Fund or spending too much time with Mary Magdalene. When people hear the words “pastor” coupled with the words “money” or “sex,” they want blood. It’s unbiblical and irrational, but it works about 95% of the time.
Second, the chances are good that the real issue behind everything is that someone was upset with your husband on a personal level. Because this person didn’t want to work matters out with your husband, he or she threw out a bunch of “ministry” charges … others picked up on them … and people were destroyed. This happens so many times in churches … way, way too often. Where’s the love? Where’s the redemption? Where’s the gospel?
Third, the laundry list of petty things is really just hatred and revenge. Churchgoers throw petty issues at their pastor because one or two petty issues isn’t enough to force him out. They have to have a whole list. If it takes 100 points to oust a pastor, heresy and sexual immorality are both worth 100 points each. A petty issue is worth 1 point. So they have to pile up the petty issues to hit 25 or 30. That’s still not enough to hit 100, so they throw in finances … babies … youth group stuff … and lots of other things, hoping to approach 100. It’s sick and twisted. I’d never be a part of something like that, and you wouldn’t either. A Christian counselor I knew called the ringleader of a Pastor Ouster group a “sociopath lite.” This person works on the pastor’s departure for at least a year and gets other people to do his/her dirty work for him/her.
Fourth, this whole incident wasn’t about you or your husband … it was about people who chose to force out your husband rather than leave the church quietly. By staging a coup, they planned to take over the church, even if it dwindles into insignificance. They would rather rule in hell than serve in heaven, and hell is what they’ve created. These people want control. Fine … let them have it. They have reduced the church to a size they can manage. God have mercy on their souls.
My concern at this point is for your healing. Please write me at my ministry email address at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org and I will share (a) about a free Wellness Retreat that you and your husband can attend together, and (b) about a potential ministry for your husband depending upon his age.
Jim
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Older post, I know, but I just came across this today. I had this happen to me (as a lay leader), only it was instigated by the pastor. When he finally did meet with me about his concerns, he insisted on bringing others in who were not involved, and with whom he had been meeting. When I brought up Matthew 18 and other scriptures, he dismissed them out of hand, and made it clear that he was going to run the church his way because he was the pastor. In retrospect, he fits the CFP, although he doesn’t seem to realize it. Nice guy otherwise. The upshot is that we eventually left as graciously as possible, and have done our best to maintain good relations with everyone – but it hasn’t been easy, and I can’t say that I exactly trust him anymore.
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The biblical guidelines should apply to everyone. Matthew 18:15-17 is rooted in Deut. 19 and is repeated several times in the NT. One of the primary reasons churches degenerate into conflicts is that people respond emotionally and irrationally rather than using biblical guidelines that force us to pause and follow Jesus’ steps in order. I grieve every time I hear a story about a pastor who thinks his way is better than God’s way. I hope you’re healing and doing better!
Jim
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