He was fighting a battle inside … a battle that had no sign of ending soon.
For his entire life, Bob had attended church services … and enjoyed doing so. Church was in his DNA.
But recently, things had changed. Bob no longer felt at home at church … any church.
He tried visiting churches in his community, but never felt comfortable.
During one service, a staff member asked those with a need to stand up so believers nearby could pray for that person. While Bob had needs, he didn’t feel comfortable having strangers pray for him.
At another church, the pastor said during the announcements, “If you want to attend this event, see Joe.” The pastor assumed that everybody knew Joe … but Bob didn’t, and felt left out.
Exhausted and frustrated while searching for a home church, Bob took a break a few Sundays and watched a service on television from a megachurch he liked … but he longed to find a church home nearby.
One Saturday night, he went online and located the website of a church that met at a local community college, and since it was close to home, he thought he’d give it a try.
So on Sunday morning, Bob got up on time … showered and dressed … grabbed his Bible … got in his car … and drove to where the church was located.
When he drove into the parking lot, he noticed there weren’t many cars there. Was this a small church where he might stand out?
When Bob walked into the building, nobody was present to greet him. As he turned to walk down a long hallway, he noticed a literature table … but no one was there.
As he proceeded down the hallway, he noticed another literature table … again with nobody staffing it.
No one said a word as Bob walked toward what he hoped was the worship center, which he eventually found.
He hesitated for a moment, looking for greeters, but they were talking to each other … with their backs to him … so he slipped into the auditorium … without ever being offered a bulletin.
Bob looked for a seat in the back row, but since some seats were roped off, he walked beyond the ropes and sat down on the second seat next to the aisle.
Looking to the right, he saw a man in a suit talking to three other men against the wall.
Looking toward the front, he saw two other men talking behind the church podium.
Since the church had Bible classes before the service, maybe those men were discussing their studies … but they seemed oblivious to others.
Church growth experts claim that a guest forms 11 impressions about a church within the first 30 seconds … and so far, Bob had only formed negative impressions of this church … but maybe the service would be different.
Suddenly, an older woman appeared at the end of the aisle. Pointing to the seat next to Bob, she said, “This is my seat.” And then, pointing to the seat he was sitting in, she said, “And that’s my friend’s seat.”
Already feeling apprehensive, Bob now felt embarrassed. “Okay, I’ll leave,” he said.
He walked back down the row … back down the hallway … back into the parking lot … and drove home.
Bob turned on the television and once again watched the service broadcast by the megachurch. The preacher told the congregation how much God loved each one of them.
And Bob thought about his experience at church that morning and wondered:
If people matter to God, why don’t they matter more to God’s people?
_____________________
If you haven’t yet figured it out, I’m Bob. This article reflects the frustration that I’m experiencing finding a local church that loves guests without making them feel uncomfortable.
Maybe as a longtime pastor, I’m too critical … but I don’t think so.
Maybe it’s no wonder that 85% of all churches are stagnant or declining in attendance because from my vantage point, most believers are engrossed with their own friendships and concerns on Sundays … and their church simply isn’t ready for company.
The first thing that non-growing churches can do is to ask themselves, “How can we improve the way we welcome our guests?”
It’s not rocket science … but for some reason, most churches think they’re doing fine when they’re failing miserably.
My wife and I once visited a large, prestigious church where we were locked out of the worship center for the first ten minutes while they had a baptism … and then the pastor complained about the decline in church attendance during his sermon.
Please, sir, look in the mirror.
If I feel this way … and I’m a veteran believer … how do you think unbelievers or seekers feel when they visit the average church?
Visiting a church is an anxiety-inducing experience … especially when you’re by yourself … and every time a church isn’t ready for company, it becomes that much harder to visit the next church.
Sometimes people aren’t rejecting Christ … they’re rejecting churches where they instantly sense rejection … and no, it’s not logical.
If Christians are serious about reaching the world for Christ, maybe we can start by better welcoming the guests that God brings to our churches on Sundays.
Remember Jesus’ words?
“… I was a stranger and you invited me in … I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:35, 40).
I feel your pain. Something is terribly wrong with the way we do church nowadays. I think the churches of today are very much like the synagogues of Jesus’ day. I’m really rethinking church and what God wants from us. I believe we need to go back to small group meetings again. I know that some churches are doing some good things, but many churches are just religious systems that can run without any input from the Holy Spirit. Let me know if you come up with an answer. Blessings, Kent
LikeLike
Kent, as you know, it’s hard enough to break into a church – and it’s even harder for a former pastor. Without trying to sound like a victim, we ex-ministers are viewed as threats in nearly every church if we reveal what we used to do. I asked myself yesterday, “Would I have left if my wife was with me?” (She said she would have left as well.) Am I overly sensitive? (Maybe.) What do I want from church? (I want to be loved and accepted in some fashion, and then I want to meet with God and His people.) The attitude of many younger pastors is, “Here’s our church. This is who we are. Either you break into our structure or you’ll be left on the outside.” Maybe this is just my view, but I believe there’s a sensitivity lacking on the part of many younger pastors today toward newcomers. I know more and more people who are choosing not to go to church. While I don’t want to be one of them, it’s getting harder and harder to visit churches in our area. Maybe you know the feeling!
Jim
LikeLike
Amen Jim! Tony and I recently watched the Seeds Conference where Craig Roeschel said that people stand in holy huddles with their backs turned toards the church doors in their own little groups. Something we should all be mindful of..
LikeLike
Thanks, Sheila, for your comment. My little church experience happened yesterday, and I never want to waste a good story, so I thought I’d write about it today. Kim wants me to send my story to that church’s pastor, but so far, I’ve chosen not to do that. But when people are talking to their friends, they have a habit of blocking EVERYONE out of their mind. I once became a staff member at a church where everyone had to walk on a sidewalk to enter the worship center. Because there was tan bark on either side of the sidewalk, nobody wanted to step off the sidewalk. One Sunday shortly after I arrived, a group of three men – including the board chairman – stood on the sidewalk talking and made new people walk on the tan bark to get into the worship center. When I shared that story with the board, the church built a patio area where the tan bark used to be, which was a good thing. I think every church needs an observer to watch how members and newcomers interact. Hope all is going well for you guys in New Hampshire! Kim and I treasure the time we had with you.
Jim
LikeLike
This is a subject near and dear to my heart. Almost nineteen years ago when I moved to California and was looking for a church I visited at least a half dozen. Some were cold toward newcomers, but the ones I remember were where people were too friendly-asking very personal questions when they had just met me a few moments before, or the one woman who almost grabbed my baby out of my arms because she wanted to hold her. Trust takes time.
Just be nice. Smile and welcome me. Show me around the church, maybe introduce me to one other person. If I have a child, introduce me to one of the teachers. Make pleasant small talk, don’t get too personal too quickly. Offer me a cup of coffee.
When I finally found a church that I wanted to visit more than once, and have attended for over eighteen years now, it was all because one person, a greeter, was so kind to me. He made me feel welcome. Ken is in heaven now, and I can just picture him standing at the gates welcoming newcomers!
I’m with Kim, maybe if you contact the pastor and tell him your story it will help.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve found that most churches aren’t too pushy … only a handful are that way … but most that I’ve visited recently just aren’t ready for company. I attended one church twice, and they had no greeter … I had to seek someone out to get a bulletin … nobody at the literature table … and you had to ask around to find a bathroom … and they were doing a contemporary service! They had no clue about welcoming newcomers. And that’s the funny thing about guests … no church can grow without them.
Jim
LikeLike
Some ideas from my own (mega)church- we have greeters, a table outside for “if it’s your first time here” staffed with a couple of home group leaders who have coffee and chat, a staffed information table and regular newcomers’ lunches. However, organisation is great, but as laity in a church we all need to be sensitive to those who are standing alone and not leave it to someone else to make the first move. I particularly dislike the experience of striking up a conversation with someone only to have that person see a friend and rush off mid sentence, or “I must catch up with so and so”- as if they couldn’t contact them at another time. We must be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and allow Him to direct our attention and time to those who need His touch. BTW, years ago an elderly man literally sat on me, because I was sitting in “his” seat- needless to say I quickly moved! Hope you find a welcoming Spirit filled church Jim.
LikeLike
Thanks, Jo, for writing and for your ideas. We have found a few churches in our area that were welcoming … but then the sermon was bad. There’s a church we like – but it’s too far away for us to become involved. Most former pastors aren’t well-received in local churches because their primary gift is teaching and most pastors do all the teaching in their own church. So if ex-pastors do go to church, they tend to sit on the back row because if they let people get to know them, the pastor of the church usually perceives that former pastor as a threat. My wife and I visited a church several years ago, and the first nine rows between us and the pastor were empty, so I figured they needed some help. I took the pastor to lunch and asked if I could use my teaching gift someday if we attended the church, and he blurted out, “I don’t even know you! It would take a year for you to be able to teach at our church!” Well, I’m not going to hang around for a year and have that pastor tell me that I can’t use my gift there! While it’s hard for the average Christian to church shop, it’s many times more difficult for an ex-pastor. Sometimes I think we need “churches of refuge” that cater to former pastors so they can experience healing and use their gifts!
Jim
LikeLike
It’s interesting how we generally don’t like change, right down to the seat we sit in at church… that the seat we want to sit in is more important than the person sitting in it!
LikeLike
In New England year ago, a family could buy a “box seat” at their church and nobody else could sit in it. If someone is going to insist that I’m sitting in “their” chair, then there needs to be a similar plaque on the seat to warn intruders like me not to sit there. Maybe I’ll visit that same church soon and tell that lady, “Hey, you’re sitting in MY seat!”
LikeLike