When a pastor is forced to leave a church unjustly, how does he heal?
This is a question that I’m asked a lot … and one I wonder about myself.
Let me handle this in a question and answer format:
How do pastors feel after they’re forced to leave a church?
Abandoned. Betrayed. Crushed. Devastated. Exiled. Forsaken. Grief-stricken. Hated. Isolated. Judged. Kicked. Lanced.
I’ll let you fill in the words beginning with M-Z.
Most pastors give everything they have when they serve a church, and when they’re dismissed … or forced to resign … the pain is indescribable.
It feels like your grandparents, parents, siblings, and children have all made a pact that they never want to see you again.
And in the process, you stop trusting people … and that’s understandable. It takes time to rebuild that trust.
What kind of losses does a terminated pastor experience?
The pastor loses his job … his income … and maybe his home … which will harm his credit rating.
He loses his significance … his self-esteem and confidence … most of his church friends … and possibly his career.
And what hurts most of all is that some “Christians” are determined to ruin the pastor’s reputation through exaggeration and misinterpretation … and the pastor doesn’t know who these people are or what they’re saying.
But when he starts making contacts in the Christian community, he discovers that some Christian leaders have already heard one version of why the pastor left … the wrong version.
Six months after I’d left my previous church, I visited a denominational executive … from another denomination … and he already knew about my departure.
The Christian world is all too small.
How long does it take a pastor to heal?
It takes one to three years, depending upon several factors:
*How much abuse did the pastor receive before he finally left?
*How concerted was the effort to destroy his reputation after he left?
*How much of a severance package was the pastor given?
*How do the pastor and his family handle criticism? (Can the pastor’s family hold him up, or does he need to hold them up?)
*What kind of a support system does the pastor have?
*What hope does the pastor have of future employment?
Why do pastors hibernate for a while after termination?
They can’t stop thinking about what happened to them.
They can’t believe the people who betrayed them.
They can’t fathom why they weren’t treated in a biblical manner.
They can’t understand how Christians could abuse and forsake their pastor.
After pastors initially experience termination, their thoughts … words … and expressions become toxic.
The pastor figures, “I’m such a wreck that nobody wants to be around me.”
Some people attempt to listen to and love the pastor, but when their efforts aren’t successful, they distance themselves from the pastor.
And the pastor feels rejected all over again.
Why don’t pastors heal more quickly?
Because the grief process works slowly.
This past weekend at Saddleback Church, Pastor Rick Warren gave a message called “How God Blesses Broken Hearts” from Matthew 5:4. His message greatly ministered to me. Here’s the link:
http://mediacenter.saddleback.com/mc/archives/
Pastor Rick says:
“Never minimize other’s pain.”
“Never rush people. Pain and grief takes time. I can’t tell you what’s the appropriate time to grieve for anything in your life.”
He said that since the suicide of his son Matthew over a year ago, he has cried every single day.
I believe that churchgoers want … and even need … their pastors to be superhuman. When they discover that their pastor is as frail as they are in the face of loss, they feel let down … and often abandon the pastor altogether.
When I went through this experience 4 1/2 years ago, I believe that I lost friends because I didn’t become “the old Jim” fast enough. It was painful for friends to see me in pain … but I’ve never been able to fake how I feel.
But I am eternally grateful to those few people who chose to be present … listened to my pain … and loved me anyway.
Those people will always be my real friends.
What steps can a pastor take to accelerate healing?
The following steps all have one thing in common: a pastor must humble himself before God and receive help from others … especially in the body of Christ.
Step 1: Get a physical examination.
See your doctor immediately. Tell him what happened to you. Anti-depressants can be a godsend.
Step 2: Contact a Christian counselor.
Only 20% of forced-out pastors seek counseling after they’ve been terminated.
Why only 20%?
Maybe the pastor doesn’t know the right counselor … but it only takes a few phone calls to find someone.
Maybe the pastor is afraid the counselor will blame him for his dismissal … but that’s highly unlikely.
Maybe the pastor is afraid of the cost … but how much is healing your soul worth? (And most counselors will give a discount to a terminated pastor.)
After I left my last church, I saw two counselors … both women … and they were terrific. They understood my situation because both women had been in ministry. They provided valuable insights into congregational life and made positive suggestions for healing.
It’s the right move.
Step 3: Attend church when you feel like it.
Why not every weekend?
Because attending worship can be an incredibly painful experience for a pastor who has undergone termination.
I still have a hard time singing praise and worship songs 53 months later … and I don’t know what to do about it.
And when I listen to preaching, I need to hear someone who acknowledges and understands pain … which is why I’ve been listening to Rick Warren recently.
It’s why I sat under the teaching ministry of Don Wilson in Phoenix for 18 months.
And it’s why it’s difficult to find a church home near the community where I live.
Step 4: Spend lots of time in the Psalms and in 2 Corinthians.
David and the other psalmists openly express their feelings to God in unedited form. I keep coming back to the Psalms constantly.
And when Paul wrote 2 Corinthians, he was defending his ministry to the church in Corinth, where he was being hypercriticized in an attempt to discredit him as an apostle.
Read these books in different versions. I love reading them in The Message.
Find a good devotional book that deals with suffering in a realistic way as well. I recommend Beside Still Waters by Charles Spurgeon.
Step 5: If you’re a pastor, commit your future to God.
He knows you. He loves you. He cares about you.
Others may have abandoned and forsaken you. He never will.
Tell the Lord you’ll do anything He wants and you’ll go anywhere He sends.
Then follow the Spirit’s promptings.
The Spirit led me to a church in New Hampshire … for only three months … but it was just what my wife and I needed at the time.
Can God use a terminated pastor again?
The Lord used Peter in an even greater way after he denied Christ three times.
Paul was chased all over the ancient world but planted churches and wrote half the New Testament.
And Jesus was terminated on the cross … but He had a powerful post-resurrection ministry.
Yes, God can use terminated pastors again … and in an even greater way than before.
I believe the “stain” that a pastor receives after being unjustly terminated is the same stain that Jesus, Paul, Peter, and the other apostles received.
If only church search teams and denominational executives believed this.
What are your thoughts about how terminated pastors can heal?
Good stuff as usual. You might want to see if you can find an article I read a couple years back. I wish I had the article on hand but it took data gathered on foreign missionaries who experienced some significant trauma related to leaving a position. Some cases where much the same as homeland parish ministers might encounter but they also encountered revolutionary take overs and being ousted from the country, assaults, and lack of continued funding. The study looked to see what influenced those who never returned to ministry and those that continued or returned to ministry. Then the author of the article suggested how these factors could be useful to thinking about how to help clergy going through forced resignations etc to remain or return to ministry.
Common factors that correlated with ministerial retention where 1)remaining in their position or quickly assuming work in the same region. 2) Mission boards and supervisors that take the traumatic event seriously and do not blame the missionary. There where other things and it was really interesting — I wish I had an author name but you may be able to find it with just what I mentioned here.
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Thanks for your response. I like your phrase: “mission boards and supervisors that take the traumatic event seriously and do not blame the missionary.” How often denominational leaders blame pastors completely for any and every problem they experienced in their church. There’s an old song by The Monkees called “A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You” (written by Neil Diamond, actually) and that sentiment is far closer to reality as far as assigning responsibility when a pastor leaves a church involuntarily. If you do find that study on missionaries, I’d love to see it. Thanks again!
Jim
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My husband I
and I are going through this kind of situation right now. He wasn’t terminated or asked to leave but the criticism and unfounded gossip spread and great as gossip does to the point that we couldn’t stay. The elders and the board preferred to hide their face in the sand and not confront the instigators. After 14 years the lack of support came as a shock. You definitely came up with some great adjectives to describe the feelings he and I are having. But we know that God is with us through this valley. Thank you for your ministry and your website. It has been a true blessing to us the last few days.
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Thank you so much, Sue. When I left my last ministry nearly 4 1/2 years ago, I was accused of things that were totally untrue as well. Fortunately, a group of solid believers stood up for me in private, but when I was trashed in public, no one spoke up to defend me. When accusations about a pastor are flying around a church, people become confused and don’t know what to believe. The best pastors can expect under such circumstances is that the people of the church – along with the board – insist on using a fair process to process the accusations against the pastor. But because few churches do this, some churchgoers make accusations with impunity, certain of the fact that nobody will confront them or stop them. If you’re interested, I wrote a book about my experience which may be helpful to you. The book offers many biblical and practical suggestions on how a congregation should handle accusations against their pastor. The book is called Church Coup and is available from Amazon in both paperback and e-book formats.
Thanks so much for reading and for commenting!
Jim
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Thank you for your response, Jim. I am so sorry this happened to you and to others who read your website. Perhaps it is human nature to support in secret and then have too much fear to do so in public. I imagine you are like my husband..a man of courage who always stands up to defend others. So it is hard for him to understand why others whisper support and then remain silent. We love these people so much…as I am sure you did. We do know that Jesus is our defender and ultimately that is all that matters. I will definitely order your book. I can see why you turned to this ministry to help others who are going through this. I feel too that I do not want other pastors and their families to go through this. It occurred to me that elders and boards surely need more training and a better Biblical understanding of how to handle these situations. I can plainly see how God is using you greatly in the Kingdom now. My husband and I look forward to that day when we know how God will use us again. MAY God continue to bless you ministry.
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Thanks for your kind words, Sue. I’m doing my best with God’s help to be redemptive and to help pastors, boards, and churches avoid the kind of things that happened to my wife and me. The Christian world does not want to discuss these issues. Christian book publishers don’t want to touch the topic of pastoral abuse and termination with a ten-foot pole. Seminaries don’t prepare pastors for the onslaught of criticism and abuse they will receive. Denominational leaders automatically blame the pastor whenever a pastor-church conflict arises. Satan knows the cowardice of the Christian church and is exploiting our lack of courage in supporting our pastors.
You’re right … I would never, ever treat anyone … much less a pastor … the way many churches mistreat their pastor. But most of all, it’s the lying that bothers me. When pastors are lied about, they have no forum in which to answer the lies. The careers of many pastors have been ruined by even small lies. We have to do better if Christ’s kingdom is going to advance.
Please continue to leave comments, Sue. Thanks so much … and please greet your husband for me.
Jim
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I was terminated for just cause. I know it was all my fault. I can not blame anyone. That said, the absence of severance pay, the loss of my career, friends, home, status, community, self worth, respect of everyone, especially of my wife, are all made worse because it IS without question all my fault. I destroyed not only all those things, but my 3 son’s respect for and love for the church. They saw that my repentance and remorse resulted not in restoration and healing, but abandonment and condemnation.
The two worst losses have been the destruction of my marriage, and the broken connection between my sons and their church. I feel the weight of guilt for those most keenly. I am now trapped in a marriage with love that is overwhelmed by disrespect, blame, and resentment. And it really IS all my fault.
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Greetings My Friend,
I don’t know what happened … and I don’t need to know … but my heart goes out to you. But no matter what you did, the body of Christ should have handled matters with mercy and grace. We are all susceptible to temptation. Even if you feel that you didn’t deserve any severance pay, your family needed it.
I pray that God helps you to make your situation redemptive. I started my ministry three years ago so I could help pastors and churches minimize the damage they cause when there’s a pastor/board/church conflict. While I’m no longer a pastor, nobody can stop me from writing, so that’s what I do: minister through the written word.
If you need someone safe to talk to, I’m willing to listen. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for you, my friend. God isn’t finished with any of us yet.
Jim
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Dear reverend, I am so sorry you have so much pain. I will pray for you also and I hope that you do experience some healing. God loves you so much and I pray you feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit and as you know..there is no condemnation in Jesus Christ.
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Thank you, Jim. God has surely placed you in my life right now. Today was not good. My husband is now in the hospital — we thought he had a stroke. He had severe memory loss. But things are beginning to look up as they think he has Transient Global Amnesia. It was so incredibly sad because he didn’t know what happened and kept asking me where he was, but when some of his memory started coming back he would remember a little about what happened at the church and ask me “Aren’t we with the church anymore?” And then waves of grief and despair would come over him as he cried and asked me “Did I let God down?” “Did I do something wrong?” He didn’t do anything wrong, but it is EXACTLY word for word as you say—lies—lack of courage—and the work of Satan. One of the elders who has been a great supporter of him in the past and had been sick came to me on Easter and said “I’m back now and I can see there are some people doing some wrong things to the pastor, and I am going to come back and put a stop to it” He was not there the last week when things were the worst and my husband decided to resign, but he is back at the church now and has not called us to see how we are doing. If I could indulge myself for a moment in self-pity and bitterness (not Godly I know and I will not continue but will forgive) I would like to say that I would trade a truck load of fake “love” for our family for one ounce of courageous support from some of the elders and board. I would appreciate your prayers for my husband and I pray that your ministry catches fire and churches learn and recognize what to do when conflicts arise. And I did buy your book and it is incredible. I have not read it all but the part about how many of these things happen because some leaders in the churches ministries do not agree with the vision. After looking at the big picture through your eyes, I do believe that is exactly what happened here. My husband’s vision (which was verbally supported by al the elders and the board) was to love God and love each other while we reach out into the community and bring in all kinds of people so that they too could have a relationship with Jesus. The vision that he was fighting was keep the church clean, keep the kids out (they are noisy) , and have a nice little club. Church is not a club–it is not for gossips— it is not junior high. Please also tell your wife I appreciate your ministry and I am sorry she had to see her husband go through that. May God richly bless you and your ministry.
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Sue,
I just received your note, and my heart goes out to you and your husband. I will pray for both of you. If I can be of any help to you or your husband on a personal level, maybe we can speak on the phone. If you’d like to do that, just write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org and we can set up a time to talk. But thanks for your encouragement … your comments mean a lot.
Jim
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Thank you Jim. That is a very kind offer and I will be writing to you.
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HI, Jim. Just wanted to let you know that my husband is out of the hospital and recovering very well. This event called Transient Global Amnesia is completely temporary and completely reversible–in other words within 2-5 days people regain all of their memory back except the day it happens. The cause of it somewhat unclear because it doesn’t recur. It is almost 100% a one time event in a person’s life, so it is impossible for researchers to follow former patients and study if it happens again in order to find the cause. What they have surmised though is that there are 4 possible causes—- one of which is a traumatic loss of a loved one or something like this. The doctor said that he believes it was caused by the loss of the church in his life due to the extreme stress he had when he started to remember.
Now I want to tell you that I am a person who gets hurt but I do not generally move to the emotion of anger, and if I do, I can only stay made for about 10 minutes and then I’m ready to make up. But this situation has brought about a long lasting and intense anger (2 days which is quite long for me). This evening it is starting to subside. I have found myself acting in ways I never have before. There was a woman from the board who came to the hospital to see him, but I could tell from her eyes that her feelings did not match what she was saying in terms of niceties –she was one who had some part in this although not the major part. When she asked me in the lobby if there was anything the church could do, I came a bit unglued and told her that they could protect his name and they could hold the responsible people accountable. I stated some of the reasons that they should do that and I started to get that uncaring zombie stare I saw at the board meeting and I stood up and told her it was time to say goodbye and move on–kind of rudely booted her out—not my personality in any way, shape or form. I did not feel proud of this action the next day and I knew that was not what is expected of a Christian, so I wrote and apologized to her. She graciously accepted my apology which I did appreciate. I did not expect any more–and did not get any more in terms of what I had been telling her. The only other things she said was that the doctors might be wrong–they have big egos– and that since God is in control, my husband could have this happen again, hopefully not–but maybe. Really?
So my desire to act in a Christian way faded hour by hour and I wrote back late last night saying that I was aware that God is omnipotent and is in control but I was just sharing the good news the neurologist had shared in order that she could rejoice with me. Once again, it is not my way to write in anger. I’m guessing we will not communicate again. I do believe it is best to leave with dignity and demonstrating forgiveness and love—-never has it been so hard to do so. My husband is avoiding contact and advised me that might be best for me for a while also. I think he is right. I can see and communicate with several members of the congregation who didn’t even know what was going on and not be angry, but communicating with the leaders brings back the anger. I have never had to deal with this emotion for long so I am reading about the grief process step of anger–because we truly are grieving the loss of our ministry, our congregation that we love. And when I can’t sleep I have wonderful audio Bible to listen to for comfort. I feel very close to God right now and so does my husband—-thankful to be one of brokenhearted that God is close to. I do not like this emotion of anger and do not like myself for having responded in anger. But I know that it will diminish and end. (by the way the doctor was a Christian and encouraged my husband to continue serving the Lord—and we are actually quite excited to find that new avenue of service God has in store for us.
God has used this event for good in that my husband is refocused even more on his first love– Christ and on his family. I too am refocused on what is the most important in our lives. And we are talking about the many good memories we have from the church in this rural community and we do talk about what happened at the end rather than hold it in.
We are very blessed because my husband had another career for 30 years also and our house is paid for and he has a retirement which we believe can get us by. Also we did not miss a Sunday of church because we have a church we used to go to in a nearby town– I really did not want to miss my worship time with God (although I cried through all the music) It was a perfect day to sit beside my husband in church and worship—something we have not done for quite a while!
I have been thinking about those people you mentioned who lose their income, their home, and so much more than what we are going through–thus causing family stress. I will be praying that God will open a way for you to have your materials published and widely disseminated. Thank you for wading through this long discourse. I have gotten support from a few friends, my sisters and our extended family, but being able to express myself to you is healing for me because you have such a good understanding of this type of situation. Thank you and God bless.
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Sue,
I wrote you a lengthy reply and tried to send it to your email address but it didn’t work. Will you write me at my ministry email address so I can send you my note?
Write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org
Thanks!
Jim
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