Do you always have to be right?
I know the temptation all too well.
In my first pastorate, I visited shut-ins, and one day, I visited Cecil and Freda.
Due to their age, they rarely came to church, and Cecil told me that he said the Lord’s Prayer every day. But he had a bone to pick with me.
Cecil said that when I read or said the Lord’s Prayer, I said, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” But Cecil wanted me to know that it was really in earth as it is in heaven, not on earth.
I took out my pocket New Testament, and Matthew 6:10 said “on earth,” not “in earth.” (When in doubt, let Scripture decide.)
But doggone it, Cecil had been saying the Lord’s Prayer for many years, and he was saying it the right way, and everybody else – even Bible translators and his pastor – were wrong.
What can a young pastor do? I just smiled and changed the subject.
In that instance, I was wise. But on another occasion, I was anything but.
I once visited a newly-married couple in their home after they had visited our church the previous Sunday.
While we were chatting, the woman blurted out, “But all sins are equal in God’s eyes, right?”
I should have let it go … I should have let it go … but I didn’t.
I gently explained what I believe Scripture teaches: that any and every sin will condemn us before a holy God, but that some sins are definitely worse than others in this life. (For example, uncontrolled anger and murder are both sins, but murder is far worse than uncontrolled anger.)
But this couple had come from a church background where they had heard the phrase “all sins are the same before God” and my little two-minute explanation wasn’t what they wanted to hear.
They never came back to the church … and I needed to learn that I didn’t always have to be right.
How many conflicts in this world occur because people insist that they’re right and the other party is wrong?
How about Israel and the Palestinians?
How about Democrats and Republicans?
How about creationists and evolutionists … or global warning proponents and skeptics … or those who welcome illegal immigrants and those who don’t?
In the same way, many conflicts in churches occur because some people … even pastors and church leaders … have to be right all the time.
They have to be right about every nuance of theology … the proper interpretation of tough passages … the color of the nursery … and how long the pastor preaches.
And even when they violate Scripture, they still insist they’re right … and that those who disagree with them are wrong.
But Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 8:1, “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”
You can know a lot … and be right nearly all of the time … and yet do it all with a prideful heart … and so be very much wrong.
Let me offer three thoughts about “being right”:
First, it’s right to take and present a position.
My wife recently did some redecorating for her home preschool. She asked me what I thought. I told her what I really felt … once.
She listened … countered with a few ideas of her own … and that was that.
I stated my position and then dropped the matter. Since it’s her preschool, she needs to make the final decision.
There would be far fewer conflicts in churches if churchgoers treated pastors the same way.
For example, let’s say you don’t like a change in the worship service.
It’s all right to feel the way you do … and to tell your pastor how you feel … but then let the issue go.
Trust that he will make the right call, even if it takes a while. You had your say … but must you have your way?
Second, learn who you can argue with … and who you can’t.
I like to argue, to test my positions and learn how other people think. Ultimately, I’m after Truth with a capital “T.”
I try to argue without being argumentative, but sometimes, that doesn’t work out.
My wife and I were once invited by a friend and his wife to a dinner honoring various kinds of ministry chaplains.
While sitting at dinner, I made a comment about abortion, assuming the person sitting next to me would agree with my position.
He didn’t.
We quickly got into a verbal exchange … all because I didn’t yet know who he was.
If you know someone who loves a friendly argument, by all means, go at it … just so you remain friends afterwards. Jesus certainly argued with both His disciples and His enemies a lot.
But if you’re around someone who doesn’t like to argue … let it go!
And my guess is that the vast majority of people do not like to argue.
Finally, realize that everybody is wrong at times … even you.
Last Saturday, my wife and our daughter and I visited San Diego.
I suggested that we visit the collection of shops and restaurants known as Seaside Village.
My wife gently called it Seaport Village.
I said, “No, I think it’s Seaside Village” … but then I wondered, “What if she’s right?”
When we walked up to the village, it was Seaport Village all right.
Because I didn’t make a big deal about the name, my wife and daughter let it slide.
But if I had said, “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I’m right,” they wouldn’t have let me forget it all weekend.
When we know we’ve been wrong in the past, that knowledge should give us humility the next time that we’re positive we’re right.
But when we always insist that we’re right, we alienate our loved ones and people stay away from us.
In U2’s song Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own, Bono sings to his dying father, “You don’t have to put up a fight, you don’t have to always be right …”
If Christians would memorize and practice those lyrics, we’d have fewer conflicts and more far peace in our churches.
I had a situation like that at work the other day. We installed a new POS system and had to correct some prices. The district manager thought she knew why the prices were incorrect, but she was wrong-and as much as I wanted to make her understand it had nothing to do with the old system, I just let it go. It wasn’t worth it. Sometimes it isn’t a matter of being right, sometimes we truly want people to understand for their own sake. But when it comes to preferences-like the order of a church service or the color of the walls in the sanctuary, let it go…
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There are people in every church who have to be right. We might call them “rightists.” They probably do more damage than any other kind of person in a church. They’re blind to their rigidity and end up hurting a lot of people. I grew up in the midst of church rightists and had an abundance of them in every church until I was in my late 30s. Everything has to be done “their way.”
Jesus didn’t have any time for the rightists of His day and reamed them out pretty good! But we all need to monitor our own lives and make the sure the rightist inside doesn’t rear its ugly head.
Jim
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Interesting that you wrote that, just today I was reading in the book of Mark where the Pharisees were criticizing Jesus for healing someone on the Sabbath. Those “rightists” were not concerned with what was truly right. If the Pharisees were here today they would be complaining about our youth group that helps the less fortunate in SF once a month…on Sunday.
Yes, we do need to monitor ourselves. My boss will often take the “let’s not worry about who is right or wrong, let’s just find a solution” approach which can be difficult when you know you’re right – ha!
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How can any of us know we’re right when we make a decision? We can’t see the future and see how things will play out. That’s why we have to remain humble whenever we make a tough decision. We COULD be wrong.
The Pharisees, however, had a self-justifying bias and never admitted they were wrong. No humility there. Sadly, their tribe is still around. In fact, I’ve met some of them … and you just might know a few of them!
Jim
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I recently came across your website. I am a pastor/ church planter of over 30 years. One of the greatest wounds my wife and i have experienced is, after planting, serving and building our last church plant over 19 years, and leaving it in the hands of capable young men, we are seemingly cut off almost as if we never existed. We are never invited to minister and when the leaders meet together (even for just a meal or casual fellowship) we are never considered to join them for fellowship when we are in the area. We are now missionaries in Poland and find it difficult to understand this lack of concern. On leaving the church we were ‘blessed’ by the leaders and many fine words were spoken which adds to the hurt. I apologise if I am writing this in the wrong spot.
Peter
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Thank you so much for writing, Peter. The problem you describe is a common one today. There are several reasons for this:
*Most people relate to the pastor not as a person, but as a pastor. You might be hoping that your successors view you as “Peter,” but they’re viewing you as “Pastor” instead. When you left your last ministry, you became irrelevant to them when they secured a new pastor. When I left my last church nearly 5 years ago, I was shocked at how many people instantly dropped me as a friend. I thought they were relating to “Jim,” but they were relating to “Pastor” instead.
*Having been at the church for 19 years, you gained a great deal of authority, which now means you’re a threat to the new leaders. They’re trying to establish their authority, and if you come around, they’re concerned that you might disagree with them on some issues and confuse churchgoers. If you don’t have it already, I encourage you to pick up a copy of the book The Elephant in the Boardroom (by Weese and Crabtree) which talks about this phenomenon.
*I don’t know how young those young men are, but it’s been my experience that Gen X pastors are not receptive to being mentored by Baby Boomer pastors. In many cases, they don’t even want our input. They want to do things their way without any interference from the pastors in the previous generation. For them, it’s like having Dad in the house when they first get married. They don’t want Dad around.
*My guess is that those young men have made many changes to the church you once pastored and they know that you might not like or approve of some of those changes.
After I left my last ministry – after 10 1/2 years there – the interim pastor came in and did everything he could to obliterate my ministry and my memory from the church. When the new pastor came, I wrote him a note welcoming him to the church and letting him know how to reach me if he ever wanted to, but he’s never contacted me in any form. Like you said, it’s like I never existed.
Let’s face it: many … if not most … pastors are insecure. As Weese and Crabtree say in their book, some pastors don’t even want to hear the name of their predecessor spoken aloud. I think that’s a shame. I’m sure that when Apollos went to Corinth, he spoke often of the fact that Paul planted that church, and gave him credit for all that he did. But in our day, that kind of thing doesn’t happen very often.
You might try and invite one of the leaders out for a meal sometime and discuss this with him … or speak with a pastor friend and ask him how he relates to his predecessor. Sad to say, we just don’t do a very good job of this in the Christian community.
May God richly bless you … and someday, I’d love to visit Poland!
Jim
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Thanks for the reply Jim. Very helpful. I do not seek credit or even acknowledgement but simply fellowship on a ministerial level. I believe that so many leaders desire what they perceive to be New Testament church, but if the truth be known, when it comes down to true apostolic ministry and relationship it appears to be avoided like the plague.
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I completely understand about your desire for fellowship. Is it possible to find … or to form … a group of retired pastors? I’d love to do that where I live. Nobody understands what you’re experiencing like another pastor. Maybe some of the pastors you know can suggest some names to you.
Jim
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