One of the most common emails I receive goes something like this:
“I love my church, and have been attending for many years. I have many friends there … my family loves going … and I have a meaningful place of service. But my pastor is driving me crazy. He doesn’t listen to suggestions … responds harshly to the slightest criticism … manipulates people and situations … attacks critics from the pulpit … and presides over a declining church with no meaningful plans for turning things around. I’ve tried to meet with the pastor and express my concerns, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. I’m really torn up about this issue. What should I do?”
Yes, there are chronic complainers in every church, but I don’t sense these people fit that description. Most complainers aren’t seeking solutions … they just want to receive attention by venting. But the people who write me really want to know what to do.
If this is how you feel about your pastor, let me offer five options for resolving matters … and this is not an exhaustive list:
First, stay and stew.
Many people who are frustrated with their pastor get up every Sunday morning … get dressed … take their family to church … become upset all over again by their pastor’s announcements or sermon or manner … and go home even more frustrated than before.
Sometimes, their family members agree with their views. Other times, they’re the only one in the family who feels the way they do.
These people contemplate leaving their church, but don’t feel they can because (a) key family members still love the church, (b) they still have meaningful friendships there, and (c) they’re still engaged in significant ministry.
So they feel helpless … trapped, even … like they’re forced to stay at a place where they’re increasingly miserable.
But that’s just not the case. You don’t have to attend your church on autopilot every week.
You have a choice.
You can go … or not go … and that’s up to you. God has given you the ability to decide where you attend church, and you don’t have to go where you’ve gone for years.
Staying and stewing isn’t going to resolve your dilemma, but it is a choice.
But does God want you hurting and unfulfilled for years?
Second, pray that the pastor will change.
A church leader wrote me months ago wanting to know how he could convince his pastor to change his behavior.
I told him that his desire was ultimately futile, although that’s not what he wanted to hear.
When a pastor comes to a church, his basic character and personality have already been formed. Pastors aren’t four-year-old kids who can still be molded by their parents. What you see is usually what you get.
If a pastor is an introvert, he’s not going to become an extrovert.
If a pastor is short, he’s not going to become tall.
If a pastor is sensitive (and most are), he’s not going to become tough overnight.
If a pastor loves the Giants (as I do), he’s not going to become a Dodgers fan.
A wise board member once told me that Christians shouldn’t play Holy Spirit in each other’s lives. It takes time for the Holy Spirit to prompt change in your life … and it takes time for the Spirit to change pastors, too.
Pastors can and do change outwardly. They can change their appearance … utilize new expressions … add humor to their messages … become less intense … and learn to speak more slowly.
And God can and does change pastors from the inside out … but it’s a work that He does rather than something that we do … and it’s always done on His timetable.
Most of the time, pastors don’t change very much, if at all. If a pastor changed to make you happy, that change might make someone else unhappy.
The truth is that the great majority of people in your church are happy with who your pastor is. That’s why they attend.
Better to say, “Lord, I’m going to stay in this church and let You change our pastor” than to say, “Lord, I’m only going to stay in our church if the pastor changes … hopefully tomorrow.”
Third, leave the church abruptly … maybe angrily.
Last year, I attended a local megachurch three times. I liked it less each time I went.
On my third visit, I felt that the pastor was manipulating people to receive Christ so he could have enough people to baptize later that afternoon.
The manipulation really bothered me … as it always does … so I stopped attending.
That’s easy to do when you’ve only invested three Sundays of your life. It’s much more difficult when you’ve invested hundreds of Sundays and thousands of dollars in a specific ministry.
But I’ve known people who left a church suddenly. They didn’t like something the pastor said … or the pastor’s announced plans for the future … or the way a staff member was fired … and so they told themselves, “I’m never going to that church again.”
In my second pastorate, the board and I agreed that we would update the music and begin singing praise and worship songs on Sunday mornings. A board member’s wife immediately stopped coming, and then her husband stopped, too.
And boy, were they angry! They made lots of noise on their way out the door … which spoke volumes about their character.
I believe that leaving a church abruptly and angrily isn’t a great option, but it is an option. If you’re miserable when you hear your pastor preach on Sunday, you can end the misery immediately.
Just don’t go back … ever.
But leaving suddenly usually means giving up many of your friends … surrendering your ministries … and disappointing your family.
It’s doable, but maybe not preferable.
Fourth, conspire with others to force out the pastor.
Start complaining about your pastor … frequently and loudly. It won’t take long before you find others who agree with you and have been waiting for someone to voice their feelings.
I can tell you exactly how to get rid of your pastor, but unless he’s guilty of heresy, sexual immorality, or criminal behavior, I’d leave this decision up to the official leaders.
However, most people who write me have already rejected this option. If they really wanted to force out their pastor, they would just do it rather than look for other solutions.
If you’re thinking about leading a rebellion against your pastor, though, let me warn you: you may destroy your church … your pastor … his family … and your own spiritual life.
This may be a destructive option, but it is an option … and sadly, one that’s increasingly common these days.
Finally, find a church where you can grow spiritually.
There used to be a group that believed that according to the New Testament, there was only one God-sanctioned local church in every city (for example, the church at Corinth, the church at Ephesus, and so on) and that their churches were the only legitimate churches in every city.
But my guess is that in your community, there are many more churches around than just the one you’re attending.
Being a member of a church isn’t like taking marriage vows. You don’t have to be committed to one church for life.
If the pastor continually frustrates you … if you go home on Sundays feeling crazy and confused … you don’t have to keep going back to that church.
Rather than leaving suddenly, the better way to handle things might be to visit some other churches in your area.
You might attend your church one Sunday … then another church the next Sunday … then your church … then another church … and so on. That way, you keep a presence in your church, and you no longer feel trapped.
If you really like a church, go back several times. If you’re married, invite your spouse along and solicit their opinion.
In my experience, it takes at least six months to find a new church home. The whole process can drive you crazy. No church has everything you want.
But the smaller the church, the more important it is that you like the pastor, because in many smaller churches, the church revolves around the pastor. If you don’t like a pastor or his preaching, cross that church off your list.
I don’t know why, but this is a step that many Christians just don’t want to take. Looking for another church makes them feel disloyal.
But this is a short life. God wants us fulfilled, not frustrated.
There are three questions that I believe every pastor-frustrated person needs to answer honestly:
*What is the pastor’s plan for growing this church? Can I get behind it?
If the pastor doesn’t have a plan, or his plan doesn’t inspire people, your church is headed for some rough days.
*How much am I growing spiritually here? If I’m not, is there somewhere else where I can grow?
Church life isn’t primarily about friendships and ministries. It’s about deepening and enhancing our walk with God. My guess is that most people who are upset with their pastor stopped growing spiritually a long time ago. Will staying or leaving stimulate that process more?
*What does God want me to do about attending here in the future? If He wants me to go … or stay … or change … will I completely obey Him?
My wife and I got married a month before I entered seminary. Her father married us in our home church. I had been his youth pastor for two years. We wanted to stay there a long time.
But barely a month after we were married, we left … and went to a sister church several miles away.
Some of my friends from my former church were really upset with me. They felt I was being disloyal … and after throwing us a big wedding, even ungrateful.
But circumstances had changed, and we had changed. I needed to start over again, to make new friends, to find a healthier place where I could serve.
Maybe we left our old church too soon, but God abundantly blessed our decision.
I was eventually hired as a staff member and later ordained in that new church.
God will abundantly bless your decision, too.
Dear Dr. Meyer,
For two years I worked as my pastor’s secretary and saw many instances in which he controlled, manipulated and bullied the associate pastors and administrative staff. Sometimes I experienced it myself, but not to a large degree because I simply did everything he told me to do. I saw that it was difficult to disagree with or confront him because he became defensive and would not let you finish speaking. Since our church did not have a human resources department that could mediate grievances, the staff had no protection or defense against mistreatment. He did evaluations on each of us, but no one evaluated him. The elders of our church never inquired about our welfare and in my opinion were selected to agree with and support his purposes. I felt things were really wrong and did not know what to do. One day I typed “My pastor is controlling” in my Internet search box. That led me to your blog. Thank you for sharing what NOT to do. I had seriously considered going to the elders to tell them what was going on, not to oust him, but to get help in what felt like a helpless situation. After reading some of your posts, I decided it was best not to go behind my pastor’s back. I never had the courage to talk to him directly so I endured working for him until I quit six months ago. A question I have is what would have been a good thing to do in that particular situation I was in? I know a church leader very respectfully talked to our pastor about concerns he had in a meeting that included our pastor and some elders. That did not go well and this well-respected leader left the church. Since I’ve quit, an associate pastor and another staff member have also quit because of our pastor. None of us revealed to the church why we quit because have no desire to speak out against our pastor or create division within our church.
Now I have another dilemma. The thing is, my pastor has a lot of good qualities, too. He has great vision, he takes the Bible and makes it easy to understand and apply, he transformed a sleepy church to one with many meaningful ministries and outreach, he would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need, he opens his home to the homeless, he helps people in crisis, he gives his life for the church and expects everyone else to do the same. He does what he expects us to do. We like and value these things about him, so my family stayed to worship at this church even though I quit being his secretary. I thought I would be okay, but in reality, I have a hard time receiving his sermons because they all emphasize serving and obedience, with little focus on God’s grace. I know that every pastor has weaknesses, just as we all do. I struggle with the thought of following a pastor who has the particular weakness of pride and valuing ministry and obedience over relationship. God is not like that. I don’t want my pastor to be, either. My husband wants to stay at this church because of his friendships and ministry. I want to leave, not out of bitterness, but because I truly want to hear the message of God’s grace. Is there anything in the Bible that addresses a husband and wife attending different churches?
Sincerely,
Amy
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Hi Amy,
Thanks for your note and for sharing about your situation. One thing that struck me is that you are very articulate but also very fair-minded. Your pastor – and your church – were blessed to have you in the office for those two years.
What can you do about a pastor who bullies other staff members?
My guess is that your pastor – with all his fine qualities – lacks the ability to see how he comes across to others. He is so goal-oriented that he’s not aware of who he’s hurting along the way. He probably has a blind spot in the sensitivity department, and if so, there isn’t much anyone can do to change that. If he’s married, I’m sure his wife has tried, but to get along, she’s probably learned to accept him as he is.
Some pastors are very nice and extremely sensitive toward others, but they never get anything done. They tend to thrive in smaller churches where good relationships are the top priority.
But other pastors can’t rest unless they’re productive. They feel compelled to get things done … right now! Some staff members love working for a pastor like that, while others hate it.
We all wish we could work for a pastor who is both relationally sensitive and results-oriented, but finding that balance is very difficult for most pastors.
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Amy, I didn’t get to finish my comment, and sent it off to you by mistake. I have more to write and will send it to you in a few minutes. Thanks!
Jim
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The official board of the church has to monitor the pastor’s behavior and tell him what they’re seeing and hearing. If the board doesn’t do it, then the church ends up being dysfunctional. The staff really can’t confront the pastor because they work for him. My guess is that your pastor has arranged matters so that nobody is able to correct him.
That can be good, cutting down on bureaucracy, but when the pastor gets out of line, that can be damaging. If someone is close to the pastor, maybe they can gently but firmly share with him how his behavior is hurting others. That person could be a board member or someone of stature inside the congregation. Every pastor needs someone like that.
But what happens if nobody is close to the pastor?
I can’t diagnose your pastor from a distance, but many pastors in our day are narcissistic, and this would certainly explain your pastor’s behavior. I’ve written two blog articles about “Narcissistic Pastors” and encourage you to read them and see if they might relate to your pastor.
If you do see the symptoms of narcissism in your pastor, then:
*He will want to get things done without interference from others.
*He will run the staff with a strong hand.
*He will lack empathy for others.
*He will tend to attract a large following … at least for now.
*He will tend not to get along with more sensitive staffers.
*He will be tolerated by the church board as long as the attendance and giving are going well.
*He will be unable to get close to anyone relationally for very long.
*He will be more interested in his image than his character.
*He will engage in behavior than seems unchristian, but if anyone tries to confront him, he’ll make them feel unchristian instead.
Most narcissists are either loved or hated. Trying to change them is a waste of time. You either follow them or you don’t.
What does the Bible say about a husband and a wife attending different churches?
The Bible really doesn’t address this issue … probably because nobody envisioned this would happen. In New Testament times, the churches were very small, and they usually met in homes. They were more based on relationships than any kind of organizational hierarchy.
So I believe that you are free to do whatever you and your husband decide.
Some would say, “Yes, the Bible tells the wife to be submissive to her husband in Ephesians 5:22-24.” But the Bible also tells the husband to love his wife as Christ loves His church in verses 25-27 … and in many ways, he is responsible for making sure that his wife is growing spiritually. Will you be able to grow spiritually in that church?
What can you do about staying at the church?
*It’s very difficult to have been a staff member in a church and then to be just a regular attendee. Put simply, you know too much. Most staff members leave a church after they resign, and for good reason. I suppose it works in some situations, but it usually doesn’t.
In my first youth pastorate, I served for two years, then resigned to make way for an associate pastor. I was so miserable that I left the church three months later, and the Lord abundantly blessed that decision.
*If you have children, it’s important for your family to attend the same church. If it’s just you and your husband at home, then you might be able to attend different churches. I’ve seen it work. (For example, sometimes the husband is a member of one denomination, while his wife is a member of another denomination.) But this isn’t optimal.
*It’s understandable why your husband wants to stay at the church, but when you took that staff position, there was always a chance that you’d either resign in disappointment or be fired. If you were fired, would you stay at the church? Probably not. In many ways, resigning as you did carries many of the same consequences as being fired. Either way, it must be hard for you to support the pastor, even though he has some admirable traits.
*My counsel to you would be to follow the fifth option in my “Five Options” article. You might say to your husband, “I’d like to visit some other churches in the area. I’ll visit them every other Sunday for a few months. If I find one I really like, I’d like to invite you to visit as well. I promise you we’ll discuss matters before I make any decision about staying or leaving.”
I hope your husband will support you. If he worked for a grocery store, and he resigned in disappointment, you wouldn’t expect him to shop there for a long time, if ever. That’s the situation you are in right now.
*Ask the Lord to show you His pathway in His time and way. Sometimes these matters resolve themselves without having to do anything too drastic.
I hope this is helpful, Amy! Feel free to interact with what I’ve written.
Jim Meyer
Menifee, CA
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Dear Dr. Meyer,
You replied so quickly! I am grateful. I think what I really wanted was validation for my thoughts and concerns about my pastor. You provided that for me and I felt comforted.
It was a relief to read that staff members usually leave their church after resigning. One reason I stayed was because I didn’t want to leave abruptly. There were a lot of negative consequences to doing that. Also, in retrospect, I stayed because I was somewhat in a daze. Resigning felt like leaving the frontline of a battlefield. I didn’t know what to think or do. Now that some months have passed and I’ve processed my thoughts, I feel ready to bow out. I really appreciated your grocery store analogy. I like analogies and it fit perfectly.
Thank you for sharing about narcissistic pastors. I read your articles about it and thank God that my pastor does not have all of those traits. He does have some of them, though, especially the ones you listed in your reply. The personal challenges he faced that might have led to these controlling tendencies, I do not know. I do know that good change is possible, but that’s between God and my pastor.
My husband and I have been discussing our current situation for several weeks. He wants to stay loyal to our church, but knows I am struggling. We also have a teenager who tunes out during Sunday services because she doesn’t like the sermons. My husband is concerned about both of us, but admitted that he does not know what to do. A few days ago I showed him your Five Options article and today for the first time he said he is open to doing #5 with me. This is a big, uncomfortable step into the unknown for him. I am thankful that he is willing to do that for our sake.
I am looking forward to moving on and finding a place where my family can grow in our relationship with God. I hope it will be simple and easy, but know it probably won’t be.
I don’t have any regrets about my work as my pastor’s secretary, but I have sadness about what I saw. Sometimes I wonder if my silence perpetuates the problem. Other times I think it doesn’t matter because the elders just didn’t want to know. There were obvious clues and others told them that people were getting hurt, but they chose not to inquire, investigate or intervene.
In closing, thank you very much for doing your blog and writing articles. They are much needed. This post in particular allowed my husband and I to process and discuss our situation in a constructive way. Thank you also for taking time to read my story, for your counsel and for your thorough and thoughtful reply. I felt like I took another step toward healing by reading your words. I felt encouraged and affirmed. Thank you so very much.
God bless you,
Amy
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Dear Dr. Meyer, In the next few weeks my family will be visiting other churches. If we do decide to leave our current church, how can we do so in a positive way? Since it is our pastor who is at the heart of the issue, what exactly could we say to him? Leaving without saying anything would be impossible because my husband has ministry meetings with our pastor 2-3 times a month. I’d be grateful for any suggestions you have. Thanks, Amy
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Hi Amy,
Thanks again for writing. I have written two blog articles on “When to Leave a Church” and “How to Leave a Church.” You can enter those titles in the search box and they will come right up.
My view is to be as honest as possible but to do it in writing. Address your note to the entire leadership board. State your reason(s) clearly but lovingly. If you don’t write a note, then people … maybe even the pastor … will invent reasons why you left, and some of those reasons may harm your reputation.
Read those articles first, and then if you need any further assistance. please let me know.
Thanks, Amy!
Jim
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In the choices you presented I saw no biblical references. Save one spot You did not address listening to God, submitting to Him nor being obedient to Him through submission. I felt God leading, His direction is where this topic should start from and end at. Submission is not submission until you do not agree. I do not want to walk away from God searching after my feelings. It is my place to grow into being more like Jesus. That won’t happen if I am not where the Lord instructed me to be, doing what he lead me to do. When God gave Moses a choice what was Moses’ reply. My choice is to stay if God is not going with me. In this section of your blog God was nearly left out instead of being the focal point. Is there a section of the blog that addresses the issue in making sure I am following after the Lord and not my flesh nor the flesh of another?
Forgive me if I came across to harshly. What I want is to be in the Lord’s presence and part of His family and not seeking after things which are fleshly – mine or my spouses once I get married.
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Hi Mark,
Thanks for reading that particular blog and for your comments. You’re right … I didn’t mention any Scripture in the article. It wasn’t intentional, but I can tell you why I didn’t.
My passion is to help resolve church conflicts – especially between pastors and church leaders – in a biblical fashion. (I had a non-profit ministry from 2011-2018, although I still help people when they contact me.) Sometimes I wrote a blog that was an exposition of Scripture. Other times, I wrote a blog with quick solutions. Much of the time, the people who contacted me and read my blog were so anxious and so upset about their pastor or their church that they just wanted to broaden their options. When we’re highly anxious, we just can’t think straight. We think narrowly, not broadly … and God wants us to think in a mature way (1 Corinthians 14:20).
Anyway, while the New Testament encourages believers in a local church not to bicker and fight (Philippians 2:14,15) but to practice unity (Ephesians 4:3), the NT does not envision that a faction inside a church would conspire together to remove an innocent church leader – in this case, a teaching elder (1 Timothy 5:17) – from office. The backdrop to everything I write is to discourage church attendees and church leaders from using unbiblical methods to remove a pastor from office … and yet it’s done all the time.
I sincerely wish that Paul or John or Peter wrote something like this: “If you don’t like your pastor’s sermons, or his family, or his tone of voice, or his mannerisms, or his leadership decisions … then this is what you should do …” How wonderful it would be if those verses existed! But they don’t exist. The NT does not envision that God’s people would attack a pastor like it’s done in our day. And to be honest, our view of a lead/senior/solo pastor in America isn’t consistent with the New Testament pattern where a plurality of elders supervised a local church (1 Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9; 1 Peter 5:1-5) rather than just one man.
In addition, most churches in New Testament times were very small, usually meeting in someone’s house. I live in a small town in the Midwest and we have well over 50 churches here. In New Testament times, there might be only one church, even in a large community. So if a person was upset about church leadership, they would have to talk things out with the leaders (using texts like Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 5:17-21) in hopes of coming to resolution. But if someone became so upset with the leaders that they would choose to leave their church instead, there usually wasn’t another church they could attend. It was “work it out or stay home.” However, in our day, if a person leaves one church, they can easily attend dozens of others nearby.
So a lot of what I did with my blog (I use the past tense because I haven’t written anything since 2018) was to supplement the New Testament teaching in areas where the New Testament isn’t clear.
Yes, submission to God is important, but I can tell you story after story of church leaders and church members who claim that they are submitted to God but who go on to cause havoc in their church. I’ve shared many of those stories in some of the 600 blog articles that I wrote.
May God richly bless you, Mark, in the days ahead! And thank you again for writing.
Jim Meyer
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