How do you handle harsh criticism that is directed at you personally?
Most people don’t handle criticism very well.
Some people lash out at their critics. Others engage in swift retribution. Many turn to drink or drugs. Some rush into counseling.
But when pastors are personally attacked, they tend to go into hibernation … especially if those attacks result in a forced exit.
By hibernation, I mean that the pastor holes up somewhere: in his house, a hotel, his car, or even at a friend’s house.
When a pastor hibernates, these phrases go running through his mind:
“I can’t believe what they are saying about me.”
By the time most Christians start attacking their pastor, they have been upset with him for some time. They’ve probably shared their feelings with family members, good friends, or co-workers.
But the pastor remains unaware of those latent feelings until they surface … and when the pastor hears what is being said about him … or to him … he goes into a state of shock.
Many years ago, someone at my church accused me of a serious charge to my face. I had received zero training on how to handle such an accusation.
I quickly brought over a staff member … called an attorney … then called the leader of the church board. I repeated the charge to them and assured them of my innocence … and I was innocent.
My instincts led me to go home for the rest of the day. I could not believe … and still cannot believe … that someone would make such a charge against me.
Jesus was accused of being a drunkard and in league with the devil, even though neither charge was true. He often withdrew to desolate places to think and to pray … but I wonder if there were times when His spirit was so wounded by the charges some people were making against Him that He chose to hibernate.
“I can’t believe my friend has turned against me.”
It is difficult for most pastors to form close friendships inside their church family.
The larger a church grows, the more likely it is that the pastor spends most of his time with key members of the ministry staff or governing board. So by default, most pastors select their friendships from the staff or the board.
After the pastor has carefully selected someone to be a friend, he still remains wary of them. He wonders, “Can I trust them with information about my background? About my home life? About my feelings? About my future plans?”
Some leaders fail the test right away, and while they remain a co-worker, the pastor doesn’t choose to pursue friendship with them.
But a few leaders seem to pass every test, and after a while, the pastor gradually learns to trust them with an increasing amount of personal information … and this process can take years.
So when one of the pastor’s few friends attacks him … or doesn’t support him when he’s under attack by someone else … the pastor is devastated … and all he wants to do is hide.
Judas’s betrayal wounded Jesus, but at least Jesus knew what Judas was going to do ahead of time. Most pastors have no idea that a friend has become a traitor until it’s too late.
“I no longer know who to trust.”
I’ve been in hibernation mode before, and it’s downright scary. You feel like the disciples right after Jesus was crucified … hiding out, afraid for your own life.
During my last church ministry, my wife and I were both attacked by people we thought were our friends. During that time, I was advised to go into hibernation mode by someone who had been through what I was going through.
People from the church wrote me emails, wanting to know what was going on.
Some people called. Some came to the door. A few sent flowers.
But I couldn’t be transparent because when you’re in the middle of an attack, you have no idea who is for you or against you.
Put a little too much information into an email, and it could be circulated all over the church.
Reveal too much on the phone or at the door, and it will be repeated to others … often inaccurately.
I even went through my Facebook friends and “unfriended” anyone I suspected might be against me … or was good friends with those who were.
You choose to stay away from others … for a while … until it’s safe to go outside again.
So you hibernate.
“I have to stay safe until I can think straight.”
Imagine that you have a dream job. You love the work and the people you work with.
Then one day, your boss calls you into her office, and without any warning, she fires you … ordering you to clear out your desk immediately.
How would you feel?
Confused … hurting … fearful … frightened.
You don’t know who to see … where to go … or what to do.
So you do the one thing guaranteed to keep you safe: hibernate.
That’s how pastors feel when they’re under attack.
In my case, I spent much of my time on the telephone speaking to people outside the church: Christian leaders, fellow pastors, ex-board members, close friends, and family members.
Just the interaction on the phone helped keep me sane.
I also spent time writing out what was happening to me and how I felt about it … which became the genesis of my book Church Coup.
I had many theories as to what was happening, and I was able to test those theories with people outside the church … who often gave me critical insights into what they thought was occurring.
When I was under attack, I discovered that the safety of hibernation helped me make better decisions … put things into perspective … and make wiser future decisions.
If you’re a pastor who is presently under attack, that instinct to hide out may very well be from God.
Let others investigate the charges against you and who is opposing you. Learn all you can but stay out of sight.
And view that time of hibernation as a gift from a God who will eventually right all wrongs.
You managed to really show honor to one of those actions on my part that I tend to feel regret and self blame over in how I negotiated the confusing episodes that punctuate my last few weeks and months in full time active ministry. What a healing opportunity to join you in this reverence of something I have let serve as a source of shame and assumed a sign of weakness and reconsider how my actions did in fact reflect responsible disengagement with the charged emotions of the moment insuring that I proceeded in a temperate and deliberate purpose.
I thought of another contribution to the hibernation that happens and this would be hibernation would represent deliberation turned perseveration not just fearful of acting but paralyzed and unable to act unwilling to take a step for fear of the hurt that is sure to follow. This sort of hibernation – a retreat from social involvement and professional activities is something that is often the result of misapplied standards of professional and collegial practice advocated by denominational administrators and regional adjudicatory authorities. So the admonition of a minister in transition to make a clean break and avoid discussing conflicts with other clergy or with the congregants from the former calling body which is sensible in a normal situation where the transition is prompted by some opportunity that has been presented to the minister (just one example) however just as the standard win win conflict resolution approach proves to be ineffective and worse to do further harm to the target in a workplace bullying situation so with this standard for professional behavior presents a host of problems when there has been a court or mistreatment of a clergy person.
In fact these standards which impose a kind of gag order on a clergy person who feels ill treated or feels they have suffered from some group or accepted dynamic in the church which will ultimately harm the congregation and its members more broadly this proscribed silence and withdrawal professionally functionally begins to give greater validity to to the opponents of the minister, sequesters the pastor from his or her peers and restricts her from seeking support for fear of being accused of unprofessional behavior which could compromise his ministerial standing but as already described this self protective act of caution will eventually court the very suspicion the minister had hoped to avoid since her self removal from collegial interactions and professional activities not only raises suspicions, supports any negative rumors but in fact such disengagement unless of a highly temporary and purposeful nature (a week of retreat and prayer) is unprofessional in the sense of abdicating ones authority, responsibilities, and call.
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Wow! You certainly have a lot of interesting ideas in your comment.
I don’t like “gag orders.” I don’t see them in the New Testament. Jesus wasn’t gagged. Paul wasn’t gagged. Peter wasn’t gagged. I suppose the ultimate gag order is execution, but still … aren’t followers of Jesus supposed to be interested in truth? Instead, institutional survival is papered over by using the term “unity” instead. The clergy person has no rights, but the church has all the rights. But that’s not right!
I don’t know what happened in your case, but it sounds like it left a wound. May God bring you redemption as you seek to put your nightmare behind you.
Jim
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Thank you for writing this post, Dr. Meyer. I have found it very helpful.
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Thanks so much for your encouragement, Judith. I very much appreciate it.
Jim
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