Whenever a pastor is forced out of his position, there are usually two stories as to what happened.
There’s the public version … designed to placate the pastor’s supporters and congregation.
Then there’s the real version … smothered beneath a pile of rhetoric and obfuscation.
In most cases, a pastor is accountable to some kind of governing board, whether they’re called elders, deacons, a council, a vision team … whatever.
When a pastor is dismissed, that board wants to say as little as possible to the church as a whole.
In some cases, they don’t want to make the pastor look bad … but in many cases, they don’t want to make themselves look bad.
So they try and smooth matters over by using phrases in public like, “We just felt it was time” or “We’re going in a different direction” or “If you knew what we know about the pastor, you’d have asked for his resignation, too.”
But so often, nobody ever mentions the real reasons why an innocent pastor was permanently exiled … so let me take a shot at it:
First, the pastor was gaining too much power.
This is especially true in small or rural churches where a family and their cohorts have run things for decades.
A new pastor is called to the church. He attracts lots of newcomers … who start serving in various ministries.
Some become leaders … and their allegiance is to the pastor … not to the board or even the church.
Feeling their power slipping away, the old timers resist the pastor’s leadership … resent his success … and finally decide, “He has to go.” (Of course, this is the same scenario that happened with Jesus and the Sanhedrin.)
Most of the time, the pastor’s detractors won’t even breathe what’s in their hearts to the pastor or his supporters. To criticize a pastor for bringing in new people looks petty … vindictive … and unspiritual.
This scenario often occurs when a church grows too fast too soon … or the pastor makes too many changes early in his ministry … but it can happen at any time during a pastor’s tenure.
And once the pastor has disappeared, the governing board is back in control … and get to choose any interims as well as the next pastor.
Second, the pastor was perceived as being too stubborn.
When I was in high school, I hung out with a group of friends who were all … and still are … great guys. They didn’t drink (around me, anyway) … didn’t take drugs … and didn’t cause trouble.
One Friday night after a football game, they wanted to drive by the home of a song leader they liked … honk a car horn … and yell. (It’s as close as they were ever going to get to her.) It was fine with me if they did it … I just thought it was stupid. So I asked to be taken home first.
Because I didn’t want to go with them, was I being stubborn or acting out of some kind of conviction?
I mention this because people … even board members … sometimes bring pastors stupid proposals … and if the pastor doesn’t say, “Oh, that’s a great idea!” he’s branded as being controlling … stiff-necked … and stubborn.
For twenty years, I wanted my ministry in churches to be characterized by four values: theological accuracy … moral integrity … methodological flexibility … and an outreach orientation.
I tried to be flexible with people’s suggestions and ideas as long as we didn’t sacrifice those values. But if somebody wanted me to bend on integrity … or stop caring about spiritually lost people … I simply wasn’t going to do it … and if I paid for my convictions by being terminated … so be it.
For example, most pastors believe they can only marry two Christians … not a Christian to a non-Christian. And if the daughter of the board chairman wants to marry an unbeliever … and the pastor refuses to perform their ceremony … his refusal may be termed “stubbornness” rather than “a biblical and personal conviction.”
I honestly think that many members of the church staff and board don’t understand how strongly most pastors hold their convictions … so maybe pastors need to do a better job of explaining in public why they believe what they do … even if people don’t understand or like what he’s saying.
But when a stubborn pastor meets a stubborn board … the pastor is usually the one who takes a hike.
Third, the pastor personally offended someone who wouldn’t forgive him.
If we could see into the hearts of God’s people, this reason just might emerge as Number One.
Being human and flawed, pastors sin against people at times.
I’d like to think that when a pastor is aware of his sin against someone, he seeks that person out … apologizes to them … receives verbal forgiveness … and their relationship continues unabated.
But there are two common scenarios where these steps are circumvented … or discarded altogether:
*The pastor has said or done something that offends someone … but the pastor doesn’t know anything about it.
The pastor could have said something that offended someone from the pulpit … or in a private conversation … or in a church communique … but the person offended never talks to the pastor about it.
But rather than forgive him unilaterally … or talk with the pastor personally … this individual starts finding fault with the pastor on many levels … completely hiding what their real motivation is.
How can the pastor ever make such an offense right? He can’t.
*The pastor finds out that he hurt someone and apologizes for his actions … but the person offended either won’t forgive him or … more likely … says he or she forgives him but really doesn’t.
How can the pastor make that situation right? Once again … he can’t.
The real offense in this scenario is not that the pastor said or did something wrong … it’s that the person the pastor hurt refuses to forgive him from the heart … because they view his offense as unforgivable.
Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
Many Christians believe that the “bitter root” refers to a believer who is angry with someone else and won’t forgive them … but in context, it seems to refer to a Christian who is so bitter against another believer that their anger spreads inside the congregation and poisons many.
If true, how ironic that a congregation that preaches forgiveness to sinners might expel their pastor because a single person refused to forgive him!
But sadly, the pastor might never discover the real reason for his departure.
Fourth, the pastor offended a group that threatened, “Either he goes or we go.”
I remember reading about a prominent megachurch pastor who angered some long-time families in his congregation.
The pastor was trying to make changes to their worship services. He went through the proper channels … the staff, the official board, worship team personnel … but there was one group he didn’t consult: those with old money.
They weren’t in positions of official power anymore, but when they heard about the pastor’s proposed changes, they went berserk because in their eyes, they were important … and he should have run everything by them.
(This story reminds me of the truism: small churches have small problems … while big churches have big problems.)
Due to the criticisms leveled against him, this megachurch pastor … someone I knew many years ago … resigned his ministry after 14 successful years.
The conflict made the local newspaper, which is where I read about the charges made by the people with old money.
If those making this ultimatum are good friends with members of the official board … if they hold important leadership positions … if they are wealthy and/or generous donors … then more often than not, this tactic will work … and the board will send the pastor packing.
But chances are poor that the pastor will ever hear anything about it.
Finally, the pastor was hit with an allegation that he couldn’t address in public.
One pastor told me that an older woman in his congregation threatened to make some charges against him and circulate them throughout the church.
The pastor knew that the charges were false, but he also knew that if they got out, some people would automatically believe them and insist that he resign … or threaten to leave themselves … so he quit instead.
I love Christ’s church, but I can’t stand this kind of lying. I just hate it.
This is not who Jesus is … nor who Jesus wants His people to be … and it’s exactly what Satan wants: to make a spiritual leader quit based on deception and destruction.
Once a false accusation hits the ecclesiastical grapevine, a pastor is toast unless the church/board provides him with a quick and credible way of defending himself in public.
And sadly, most churches lack such a mechanism.
If I was a member of a church board, I would not let my pastor be driven out of the church based on a lie … even if I thought his best days were behind him.
In fact, I’d do the following things:
*track down the source of the false charge
*confront the person making the allegation and ask them to repent … and ask them to leave the church if they didn’t
*ask the pastor to respond to the allegation in public as soon as possible
*support the pastor’s version of events in public
*teach the church that Christians never use the devil’s tactics to do God’s work
How could I as a spiritual leader allow Satan to have free reign in Christ’s church?
Power struggles … pastoral convictions … bitter parishioners … group threats … and false allegations … these are among the real reasons why pastors are terminated in our day.
But I believe there’s one more reason that I haven’t yet mentioned that towers above them all … and I promise to write a separate article about it soon.
Celebrating Forty Years of Marriage
Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged 40th wedding anniversary on July 31, 2015| 4 Comments »
This Sunday marks 40 years since my wife Kim and I were married. And by today’s standards, it was a very old-fashioned wedding.
I was 21, she was 20. We dated for 20 months … were engaged for four … and then got married at the church where I had met Kim two years earlier.
The wedding cost $500, and Kim paid for it herself. (Her mother later reimbursed Kim half that amount.) Somewhere around 400 people came to witness our vows on a miserably hot day.
As church custodian, I arrived at my usual time of 8:00 am that Saturday to clean the church … then proceeded to lock my keys in my car … and had to call my laughing mother to get them out.
After I cleaned the church for five hours, I went home … put on my tux … and arrived in time for photos.
Kim’s father … our pastor … conducted the ceremony … making us kneel for more than 30 minutes while he talked about God, Abraham and Bonhoeffer.
After the ceremony, some friends rifled through our wedding cards, took out the cash, and slipped it to me for our honeymoon.
We drove my mother’s car to Yosemite … mine never would have made it … and stayed in a cabin for several nights.
We rented a two-bedroom apartment in Santa Ana for $195 a month. Kim made $1.65 working at a preschool, while I started seminary and worked at church as an ecclesiastical engineer.
People sometimes ask us the secret of our marital longevity. My reply is always the same: “I married the right person.”
In fact, let me share with you five reasons why I know that I married the right person:
First, Kim is an emotionally strong woman.
San Diego means a lot to us. It’s where we went for our first date … and our tenth anniversary.
We had a great time on our tenth … then drove back home to Silicon Valley where Kim entered the hospital for exploratory surgery the next day.
Kim had undergone some tests and been told that she had a mass in her abdomen. After just ten years together, I feared I might lose her.
Thank God, she didn’t have a mass, but she did have a hysterectomy, and after giving birth to Ryan and Sarah, that was all God permitted us to have.
But I remember how courageous Kim was during the entire time … and how her faith in God kept her sane.
During our last ministry, Kim was in and out of hospitals constantly. She always handled herself well, assuring me that she’d be okay.
Sometimes I’m stronger than she is, and sometimes she’s stronger than me … but she has a resolve … a determination … that we can handle anything as long as we hold onto God and each other.
I love that about her.
Second, Kim is far more adventuresome than I am.
From ages 10 through 15, Kim went to boarding school in India and Pakistan while her parents served as medical missionaries in Saudi Arabia. She only saw her parents a few months every year and had to learn to adjust to other cultures in primitive surroundings.
When I met her three years after she came home to the States, she talked all the time about how much she loved the Middle East. In fact, she really wanted to be a missionary.
But then she met me … and I’ve never been in her league as far as adventure.
In 1992, Kim and I began talking about saving enough money to visit Europe for our twentieth anniversary three years later. But the church I served as pastor was struggling financially, and we agreed to give sacrificially for the church to survive.
So I told Kim, “Look, based on our finances, I don’t see how we can go to Europe.” Kim responded, “If you don’t go, I’m going by myself.”
Somehow, we scraped together enough money to visit the Continent, and found ourselves on a mountain peak in Switzerland the morning of our twentieth anniversary.
We’ve flown overseas many times since then, and due to my dislike for flying, I probably never would have gone … except for my wife, who became accustomed to flying all over the world when she was ten years old.
On our only trip to Hawaii many years ago, she insisted on hang gliding over the ocean and then being dropped into the water … while I was holding onto the boat for dear life.
I love that about her.
Third, Kim is a fun-loving party planner.
The weekend I was going to turn forty, Kim told me to clear out my calendar. I had no idea what she was up to.
Thursday night, we went to a movie and to dinner … and then spent the night in a hotel.
Friday morning, we went to the San Jose airport where we met our two kids. Then we flew to Orange County, where we met my sister Jan … and went to Disneyland for the day.
That night, we drove to my brother’s house in San Bernardino, where all my old friends showed up for a surprise party.
On Saturday, after flying home to San Jose, Kim planned another surprise party for me at church.
Over the years, Kim has used her skills in party-planning to gather large crowds for events.
When she worked for a large child care company in San Jose, they held a dance every year … one year, as the event neared, they hadn’t sold near enough tickets.
Kim volunteered to distribute them. The goal wasn’t to make money, but to fill the auditorium downtown with people who would watch those kids dance.
When the curtain opened, the place was packed. Kim had done something nearly impossible … turned a disaster into a roaring success.
She later used those skills to draw large crowds for community events at our church … and she thought BIG … a little too big for some people, who felt that the purpose of those events should be to make money.
But her goal was to turn out a crowd so they could discover where our hidden church was located … invite people to attend … and hope that we could reach them for Christ … and she had a blast doing it.
In fact, she loves to say, “Church should be fun.”
I love that about her.
Fourth, Kim loves to reach people for Christ.
Kim was the full-time outreach director at our last church for nearly nine years. Her work must have reached someone’s ears, because one year, she was asked to be the keynote speaker for outreach at the Bay Area Sunday School Convention.
Since I was leading several workshops of my own, I was only able to attend one of Kim’s … but her presentation blew me away.
The room was standing room only. Kim knew her topic so well that she mesmerized the people in that room … and motivated them to do outreach in their own churches.
In addition:
*She put together ways for our church to reach its community … and built bridges with the local Chamber of Commerce.
*She visited Moldova four years in a row on mission trips … leading teams from our church the last three years.
*She met a pastor from Kenya named Peter online. She corresponded with him for nine months … then took a girlfriend from church and flew to Kenya to meet Peter. She trained Peter in various aspects of ministry … trained other pastors as well … taught them how to reach out … and brought Peter to our church in the Bay Area.
Today, Peter leads a thriving church in Nairobi, and as a bishop, he oversees 28 other pastors. After we left our last church, Kim connected with a church in Atlanta … flew to Kenya … and trained two pastors from that church … and they now work closely with Peter to reach people in Kenya for Jesus.
*She raised $43,000 for a well in Peter’s village in less than three months. She flew to Kenya with a team from our church to dedicate the well … and spent the day with the Vice President of Kenya.
Although many Christian leaders are uncomfortable with women in leadership, Kim has always served voluntarily under my direction and done it all with grace and sensitivity.
I love that about her.
Finally, Kim knows how to get things done.
Three years ago, I flew to Grand Rapids, Michigan to be trained to be an interim pastor. It seemed like the only ministry option available to me at my age.
While I was there, the director of the ministry asked me if I’d be willing to go to New Hampshire to help out a church that was losing its pastor. I instantly said, “Yes.”
Kim and I drove across the country where I served as interim pastor for only three months. (The church called a pastor the second week we were there.) Then we drove back to Southern California … without a new assignment.
My director mentioned several possible assignments in places as varied as Louisiana … South Dakota … Chicago … and upstate New York … but nothing materialized … and we were running out of time.
Finally, the director matched me up with a church in New York, and Kim and I flew there for an extended weekend … hoping and praying that things would work out.
But they didn’t, and as we were driving back to LaGuardia Airport, our future looked bleak.
With a burst of inspiration, Kim suddenly said, “I know what we can do. I can start a preschool in our house.”
Within a few weeks, we rented a larger house in a better location … Kim sent in her application to the state … we began acquiring play equipment and tables and supplies … and on August 5, 2013, we launched Little Explorers Preschool.
The school has gone very well. Kim directs, teaches, works with parents, and manages two employees, while I do the finances, marketing, cleaning, and more.
We work long hours, but enjoy having nights and weekends free … especially to drive through the mountains to see our two grandsons in Orange County.
Is ours a perfect marriage? No. We’re both strong-willed individuals. We are both expressive and opinionated. I can be stubborn, and Kim can be feisty … so at least life together is never dull!
I love that about her.
I am glad that God gave me Kim because:
*She is hilarious. She makes me laugh … constantly. She recently posted a photo online promoting the preschool and wrote, “The children never cease to be bored.” I laughed my head off … and when I pointed out what that phrase meant, she didn’t get it … so I laughed some more.
*She is appreciative. When I do even the most mundane tasks, she thanks me. When I do something surprising, she is grateful. Her lack of entitlement makes serving her a joy.
*She never nags me. She might remind me of something I promised to do, but she’ll tell me once and trust that I’ll come through.
*She has always supported my love for sports. Although she’s gone to many games with me, she’s happy for me to watch baseball, football, and basketball as much as I want … and has never complained about it.
*She and I can talk for hours and never run out of things to discuss. That’s always a sign that you married the right person.
*She loves the Lord. I tell her that on our first date, I fell in love with her heart … and to this day, that love has grown larger and stronger.
Even though we are exact opposites as far as our personalities go, we enjoy a deep, abiding love that has only grown stronger with time.
I don’t like it when people say, “I have the greatest wife in the world.” The statement may be emotionally understandable, but it’s ultimately illogical … and is a way of saying, “My woman is better than yours.”
I’d rather say, “I married the right person for me” … and by God’s grace, I did.
Happy 40th anniversary, Sweetheart!
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