I once served with a church leader who struggled to tell the truth.
In the words of children, I could have told him, “You lie like a fly.”
He lied about his credentials. He lied to cover up wrongdoing.
And sometimes, he lied just for fun.
Two of his fellow leaders approached me separately about his lack of truth telling. They knew he was lying and didn’t want to work with him anymore.
But by then, lying for him was a way of life.
Welcome to the world of the “Christian” sociopath.
According to Dr. W. Brad Johnson and his son Dr. William L. Johnson in their book The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments, a person with anti-social personality disorder – or sociopathy – has the following characteristics:
*This person seems charming and likeable initially, making a favorable impression.
*This person is soon found to be, in the words of the Johnsons, “manipulative, deceitful, and willing to do almost anything to achieve their own ends.”
*This person proves to be irresponsible, unreliable, and impulsive.
*This person is sometimes vengeful about perceived injustices.
*This person has superficial and short-lived relationships.
*This person is disloyal, insensitive, and even ruthless.
*This person disregards societal rules and does not believe the rules apply to them.
The Johnsons then make the following statements:
“In the church, pastors should be alert to two major manifestations of this disorder. The first type of antisocial is the smooth, personable, charming person who manipulates and exploits others subtly – often without detection – for some time.
“The second type is the belligerent, antagonistic, and overtly criminal antisocial type. This parishioner will have a clear criminal history, arouse fear in others, and be viewed as unpredictable and dangerous. The difference between the two may be emotional intelligence or social polish.”
We might say that the first person mentioned above is a sociopath with a small “s.” The second person is a Sociopath with a large “s.”
Churches are pretty good at not tolerating any Sociopaths in their midst … but they aren’t as good at identifying and dealing with the sociopath … or as one expert called this person, the “sociopath lite.”
Back in September 2001 … less than two weeks after 9/11 … I took “The Pastor’s Personal Life” class taught by Dr. Archibald Hart for my Doctor of Ministry program at Fuller Seminary.
During a break, I told Dr. Hart that I was dealing with a church leader (not the person I mentioned above) who had some of the symptoms of a sociopath. This person kept making the same mistakes over and over again, and when I confronted him about his behavior, he just laughed it off and refused to change.
Dr. Hart shared with me the single best description of a sociopath I’ve ever heard. He said, “They don’t feel any anxiety before they do wrong and they don’t feel any guilt after they’ve done wrong.”
Think long and hard about that statement.
A great secular book about this issue is Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door. (It’s available as a Kindle book on Amazon.) Dr. Stout claims that 4% of our population – or 1 in every 25 adults – has this condition. Speaking to the sociopath, she writes:
“When it is expedient, you doctor the accounting and shred the evidence, you stab your employees and your clients (or your constituency) in the back, marry for money, tell lethal premeditated lies to people who trust you, attempt to ruin colleagues who are powerful or eloquent, and simply steamroll over groups who are dependent and voiceless. And all of this you do with the exquisite freedom that results from having no conscience whatsoever.”
How does all this relate to church ministry? Here’s Dr. Stout again:
“Most invigorating of all is to bring down people who are smarter or more accomplished than you, or perhaps classier, more attractive or popular or morally admirable. This is not only good fun; it is existential vengeance. And without a conscience, it is amazingly easy to do.”
How does the sociopath pull off this kind of internal sabotage?
“You quietly lie to the boss or to the boss’ boss, cry some crocodile tears, or sabotage a coworker’s project, or gaslight a patient (or a child), bait people with promises, or provide a little misinformation that will never be traced back to you.”
These statements from Dr. Stout are all too real among members of my extended family. A female family member married a man who hid this condition well … until he radically changed right after the wedding, making her life a living hell for months.
The month after I left my last ministry nearly seven years ago, my wife and I attended a Wellness Retreat in Tennessee. The resident psychiatrist was Dr. Ross Campbell, author of many books including the classic How to Really Love Your Child.
Dr. Campbell told us that he had counseled hundreds of pastors and wives who had gone through the pain of a forced termination, and from his experience and research, the individual most responsible for “taking out” a pastor has sociopathic personality traits, someone he termed a “sociopath lite.”
This individual feels powerless in life and senses an opportunity to exercise power in the church. Since these people have different values from the pastor – and those values are cleverly disguised – this individual uses terroristic tactics like intimidation and manipulation, and the pastor is usually no match for such an individual.
Dr. Campbell observed that it takes a sociopath lite twelve months to break down a pastor and turn people against him. During this time, the pastor becomes so depressed that he can hardly function. These individuals make their plans in secret and attack when least expected, usually when a pastor returns from a trip.
Sound like any church scenarios you might be familiar with?
In a nutshell, sociopaths want to win, and will use any methods necessary to get their way. It shouldn’t surprise us that sociopaths gravitate toward politics where lying, manipulation and winning are usually rewarded.
But sociopaths also like to be near the center of power in a church, and by using their charm or speaking like an authority, they can convince others to follow them rather than their pastor.
Let me draw four conclusions about sociopaths in the local church:
First, most believers are unable to detect any sociopaths in the body.
The anti-social personality floats through a church largely undetected. They can develop a following as somebody who is cool as well as someone who sounds like an expert in many fields.
It takes a discerning pastor or a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor to spot a suspected sociopath, and most people lack the training to do that.
We don’t want to label people prematurely because when we assign someone a label, we may unwittingly choose to avoid or destroy them, and that’s not what Christians are about.
But the discerning leader can say, “That person seems to have the symptoms of a sociopath, and for that reason, we’re going to monitor them carefully.”
Just realize that only a trained professional can make a definitive diagnosis, but since people with anti-social personality disorder rarely go for counseling, sometimes all that a pastor can do is guess at a preliminary diagnosis.
Second, you can’t allow sociopaths into church leadership. Period.
If a sociopath joins the church staff, he or she will eventually try and turn the staff against the pastor. Better to fire them and take the heat than let the staff member destroy the staff and later the church.
If a sociopath is elected to the church board, that individual will eventually try and turn the rest of the board against the pastor.
It might take a year or two, but they will lead an attack against the pastor … and manipulate other leaders to do his bidding.
To quote the current Geico commercials, “It’s what you do.”
This is why a pastor needs to have veto power over prospective board members. The discerning pastor will think to himself, “There is no way in God’s universe that I am going to let that person into this church’s inner circle.”
But if the pastor can’t discern the sociopath lite, or lets him/her into leadership anyway, he’s signing his own death warrant.
Third, sociopaths are twice as lethal as narcissists.
Most narcissists are not sociopaths … but most sociopaths are narcissists.
Dr. Stout writes:
“Narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt and sadness to desperate love and passion. The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and so react to them appropriately.”
She then writes:
“Sociopaths, in contrast, do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one had somehow lost…. where the higher emotions are concerned, sociopaths can ‘know the words but not the music.’ They must learn to appear emotional as you and I would learn a second language, which is to say, by observation, imitation, and practice.”
In other words, sociopaths are morally and spiritually hollow inside. They lack core convictions. When they’re out in public, they take their behavioral cues from others because they don’t have an internal sense of morality or appropriateness.
Am I scaring you yet?
Finally, sociopaths almost never change.
Because they lack a conscience, they never sincerely admit that they’ve done anything wrong.
Sociopaths won’t go for counseling because in their minds, they’re fine the way they are.
But they are experts at blaming others for their messes.
Inside the church, a sociopath tends to:
*hide in the darkness and avoid the light.
*blame the pastor for whatever is going wrong in the church.
*serve as the hidden ringleader of the faction determined to oust the pastor.
*go after the pastor not for any spiritual reason, but just because he or she can.
*ignore the church’s governing documents and Scripture in attacking the pastor.
*avoid any pathway of forgiveness and reconciliation.
*engage in retribution for even the smallest of offenses … including going after the pastor for not letting the sociopath become a leader.
When I spoke with Dr. Hart fifteen years ago, he told me the only way to deal with a sociopath inside the church is to marginalize them.
And that means two things:
Once you’ve identified their behavior, make sure to monitor them closely, and never … ever … ever let them become leaders.
Because if you do, you will regret it … and so will many others … because you will not be able to appeal to the sociopath with Christian principles and values.
They have their own value system … and only they know what it is.
There are experts inside the Christian community who prefer not to label people. They don’t like the idea that we can call someone a “sociopath” because that term infers that the person can’t change … and, these people believe, God can change anyone.
I get that.
These Christian experts prefer to train congregations, leaders, and pastors to be healthy, and in the process, to handle any church sociopaths lovingly but firmly.
The problem is that all too many Christians, churches, and pastors usually give up so much ground to sociopaths that by the time they’re detected and dealt with, they’ve already done enormous damage to the cause of Christ.
Because sociopaths lack a conscience, I believe they bring unrepentant evil right into their church family … and no church can thrive when evil is brazenly present.
Have you ever met anyone you suspected was a sociopath lite inside a church?
How did it all turn out?
My guess is that they left quite a mess behind.
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
The Pastor-Youth Leader Challenge
Posted in Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged pastor staff conflict, pastor-student ministries leader conflict, pastor-youth leader conflict, pastor-youth pastor conflict on November 17, 2016| 2 Comments »
Out of all the types of conflict I endured during my 36 years in church ministry, I had more trouble with paid youth leaders than anyone else.
Whether they were called youth ministers … pastors … directors … or student ministry directors, I often struggled in my working relationship with them.
Did I try and micromanage them?
No. I served three pastors as a youth pastor, and none of them micromanaged me, so I made sure to give them plenty of space to develop their own ministries.
Did I insist they work unreasonable hours?
No. I expected that they would work a minimal number of hours, but I’ve never been a workaholic, and didn’t expect staff members to outwork me.
Did I yell at them in anger?
No. I never yelled at any staff member. There were times I felt like screaming, but by the grace of God, I kept it together.
Did I confront them unreasonably?
No. Most of the time, if I had a concern or a question about their ministry, I’d walk down the hall and speak with them personally and directly in their office.
I tried to convey several basic expectations whenever I worked with a paid youth leader:
*I expect you to carry out our church’s mission and vision statements.
*I expect you and your adult leaders to attend at least one worship service on Sundays.
*I expect you to be present during office hours … which you set.
*I expect you to be present during staff meetings.
*I expect you to let me know what you’re doing in your ministry.
*I expect you to let me know of any potential problems with youth or their parents. If you inform me right away about any possible blowback, I will back you to the hilt.
*I expect you to fight for your viewpoint on any area where we disagree, but once I’ve made a decision, I expect that you will abide by it.
Those seem like simple guidelines, don’t they?
Yet I was amazed at how often they were violated.
Most of the time, conflict occurred because the youth leader viewed himself as a pastor equal in authority to the lead pastor.
*The youth leader had his own congregation: the youth group.
*The youth leader had his own staff: adult volunteers.
*The youth leader had his own office and computer.
*The youth leader carried out ministry in specific church rooms.
*The youth leader ran his own budget and planned his own events.
*The youth leader was viewed as “our pastor” by his adult volunteers and young people.
But the youth leader didn’t like having to be accountable to anyone … much less the lead pastor.
I saw this latter point demonstrated over and over again.
*One youth leader went on vacation for two weeks without asking my permission. He had only been on the job for two months.
*One youth leader told me he no longer believed in our church’s mission/vision.
*One youth leader not only let his adult volunteers skip worship services, but started a home church with them without telling me.
*One youth leader purchased expensive equipment for youth ministry … then kept the equipment at his house.
*One youth leader shared a large room with other ministries, but refused to clean up after using it … even when I asked him to do so repeatedly … upsetting the rest of the staff.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
Over time, paid youth leaders created a big headache for me.
On the one hand, everyone expected us to have a thriving youth ministry … especially the parents of middle school and high school parents.
On the other hand, I had to restrain myself from firing several leaders … even though they deserved it … because it takes a long time to find another one.
One time, we had a youth leader whom I really liked. He was getting ready to graduate from seminary, and I offered him a job after graduation. The youth group wasn’t big enough to support a full-time person, so I asked him to lead the youth and do some teaching for adults (teaching was his primary spiritual gift), but he refused.
Either he was going to work exclusively with the youth, or he wasn’t going to work at all.
I suspected that he didn’t want to be accountable to me as his supervisor, so I let him walk.
But after he left, boy, did I hear about it!
One parent … with whom I had always gotten along … raked me over the coals in an email, telling me that something was wrong with our church because we couldn’t seem to hold onto youth leaders.
The ensuing search took about a year. After reviewing nearly 200 resumes, we brought eight different candidates to the church.
Either the youth didn’t think they were cool enough … or they made a bad impression on the staff … or they lacked solid character … or something wasn’t right.
Under pressure, we finally hired someone the kids thought was cool … but one of the adult volunteers came to me a year later and poured out instance after instance of unethical behavior … right at the beginning of the summer.
I took two days to investigate the charges.
Evidence in hand, I confronted the youth leader … who didn’t see anything wrong with anything he had done. In fact, he later told me that I was the problem.
The youth leader deserved to be fired. Immediately. I asked pastor after pastor, “If this person did these things at your church, what would you do?”
Everyone said, “Fire him.”
But that meant that all the events the youth had planned for the summer would be cancelled because we didn’t have anyone else available who could step in.
Against my better judgment, I let him stay … and he ripped me to shreds in private … and a few months later, he finally resigned and left the church.
When I was a pastor, I suffered more sleepless nights over staff issues than anything else … and the majority of those times involved paid youth leaders.
Let me share four conclusions I’ve reached about lead pastors working with paid youth leaders:
First, most young spiritual leaders do not share the values of their pastor/supervisor.
A professor from my seminary told me that since many new students come to the school without a basic sense of morality or ethical behavior, the school puts them through a morality/ethics orientation class when they first arrive.
A Christian counselor told me that our culture is raising a generation of sociopaths who can’t distinguish right from wrong.
I noticed a pattern among several of the youth leaders I supervised: it was okay for them to cut ethical corners as long as they got the job done.
In their world, the ends did indeed justify the means … but not in my world. (Is it okay for a youth pastor to use four-letter words on youth outings … or to drive well over the speed limit with youth in the car … or to trade equipment bought by the church without anyone’s permission?)
These scenarios raise a key question: should the pastor/supervisor adjust himself to his staff members, or should the staff members adjust themselves to their supervisor?
I stand in the latter camp, but my guess is that most young leaders are in the first camp.
Second, many in the Buster Generation act like they already know everything.
I believe that the Boomer Generation (those born between 1946 and 1964) were willing to learn from the previous generation (the Builders).
For example, Rick Warren (a Boomer) considered W. A. Criswell (a Builder) to be his father in the faith.
And when I was a youth pastor, I certainly obeyed my Builder pastors and submitted to their authority.
Maybe I’m wrong … or overgeneralizing … but I just haven’t seen the Buster Generation (those born between 1965 and 1983) wanting to learn nearly as much from the Boomers.
In fact, I’ve often said that the Busters act like world history began the day they were born.
I saw this attitude most often during staff meetings. When a ministry dilemma came up, I’d share with the staff what I’d learned about an issue over the years, including mistakes I’d made.
The other staff members were usually appreciative, but many times, I watched the youth leaders roll their eyes and act like, “I don’t need to hear this from you.”
My kids are both Busters, and they’ve told me, “Dad, not everyone in our generation is like that.” But sadly, all too many are.
I remember reading an article in a Christian magazine about ten years ago where the children of Boomer parents who attended my university severely criticized the way their parents’ generation did ministry … and these were kids in their early twenties.
Paid youth leaders can bring that same mindset into their relationship with their pastor.
Third, many in the Buster Generation hate the institutional church.
I can’t speak for Millennials here .. just for Busters.
Most of the youth leaders I knew did not like the structure of a local church.
They were happy to collect a salary from their church … while inwardly rebelling against it.
There are things that I don’t like about the institutional church as well. Sometimes we’ve adopted a business model and superimposed it over the local church … and then tell people they have to support the institution with their attendance, time, and money.
That kind of mentality can drain the life out of a local church.
But I had one youth leader tell me that he didn’t believe in the institutional church anymore and that he was looking at other models instead.
That’s fine with me if you accompany that statement with your resignation … but not if you stay inside the church and undermine what we’re doing … which he did.
This disdain for structure and organization may explain why so many younger people choose missions over local church ministry.
I finally began telling rebellious youth leaders, “Look, if you just want to hang out with the youth, and you want nothing to do with the church as a whole, then take an offering every week among the youth, and whatever they put in will be your salary. But as long as this church is paying your salary, you need to have some connection with the church as a whole.”
Finally, a church that finds a good youth leader should hold onto him for dear life.
I once asked a veteran youth pastor, “What should I look for in a potential youth person?”
He replied, “They have to love the Lord … and they have to love kids.”
I once knew a man who led the youth ministry at one of Orange County’s top churches. As I recall, he was there for several decades … well into his fifties.
For a long time, I wondered, “How can the church employ someone that old?”
But he worked hard … he loved the kids … and his character was solid.
I don’t know the average tenure of a youth leader anymore, but it’s probably still less than a year.
Yet I subscribe to the axiom, “It is better to have no one than the wrong person.”
It’s tough being a youth leader. You have to account to more people than anybody else in the church.
In one church where I worked with youth, I was accountable to the senior pastor … the Christian Education Committee chairman … the committee as a whole … the parents of the youth … and anybody who wanted to take a potshot at me.
With a youth group of 100 kids, I was out every Sunday night … every Wednesday night … most Friday or Saturday nights … and all while I was writing a seminary thesis … finishing work for my degree … trying to pay attention to my wife … and caring for our newborn son.
One December, I was out fifteen straight nights. In the end, I couldn’t keep the pace, and longed to be a pastor somewhere … anywhere … with much less to do.
In my case, I was using youth ministry as a steppingstone to becoming a senior pastor … and I was very upfront about it.
But if you can find someone called to youth ministry who loves Jesus … loves kids … has a solid character … and willingly submits to one supervisor (usually the lead pastor) … then grab him … keep him happy … and never let him go.
Based on the way I was trained, I don’t know what I could have done differently with the various youth leaders I worked with.
I liked them personally. I tried to spend time with them. I listened to them. I fought for them to be treated well.
And yet in the end, my efforts were never reciprocated … and I was often undermined.
My wife told me, “Jim, you’re too nice, and they’re taking advantage of your niceness. You need to be tougher with them.”
Maybe she was right.
But I also have reason to believe that I was a father figure to most youth leaders, that they had trouble getting along with their own fathers, and that they projected those troubles onto me.
A former missionary once told me, “We could win the world for Christ if missionaries could just get along.”
A corollary might be, “We could have far healthier and better churches if pastors and their staff members could just get along.”
And in my case, that refers specifically to youth leaders.
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