One Friday night in winter … nearly twenty years ago … the Bay Area church I was pastoring advertised that we were going to have snow for the kiddies.
Since it never snowed in our area, the snow had to be imported on a truck.
My wife … who ordered the snow and was coordinating the event … was anxious. She promised snow at 7:30 pm, but the truck got lost.
Finally, the driver found his way to our campus … almost an hour late.
A man from our church … who was in his eighties … was present that night and put things into perspective when he said, “Pastor, a good church is hard to find.”
Amen to that!
Until I was 56 years old, I never had to search for a church:
*During my childhood, my dad was a pastor, so I went to the churches he served, mostly in Orange County.
*For the next eight years, I attended where my family attended.
*From ages 19 through 27, I was a staff member in three churches.
*After that, I served as the solo or senior pastor of three churches.
So for most of my life, I didn’t have to search for a church home … but that all changed after we left our last church in 2009.
While living in Arizona, it took my wife and me a long six months to find a church home.
But when we moved to the Inland Empire in Southern California six years ago, finding a church home became a complicated and painful experience.
We’ve had three church homes over the past five-and-a-half years: a Baptist church, a Calvary Chapel, and a Reformed Church.
We left the Baptist church because it was too far away to become socially involved … and because they were much too ingrown.
We left the Calvary Chapel because their worship time was becoming weirder.
We left the Reformed Church because, while they didn’t do much that was wrong, they didn’t do much that was right, either.
So now … once again … my wife and I are searching for a church home.
What are we looking for in a home church?
Five things:
First, we want to hear a biblically based, intelligent sermon.
Most pastors in our area offer a sermon based in Scripture. That’s the easy part.
But most pastors don’t offer a sermon with much, if any, intelligence.
As a former pastor, I want a pastor to:
*Give us evidence that you’ve immersed yourself in the text.
*Show us that the passage under study has passed through and touched you.
*Share with us a quote … a story … an application that is fresh and moving.
Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones … one of the greatest preachers of the twentieth century … sometimes visited churches in America. Pastors would get up to preach and be astounded to see the good doctor sitting in their congregation.
Lloyd-Jones said he looked for one primary thing in a sermon: evidence of the presence of God.
I’ve tried to apply that standard to the sermons I’ve heard, but I don’t always succeed.
Lloyd-Jones also summed up what a great sermon is in three words: “Logic on fire!”
I hear fire sometimes in the churches we visit. Sadly, I don’t hear much logic.
On Sunday, April 1, my daughter and I attended an Easter service at All Souls Church in London, England, where John Stott had been the pastor years before.
The Minister of Evangelism gave the sermon that morning, and knocked it out of the park.
There was logic … and there was fire.
I loved it.
My longtime friend Dave Rolph preaches live on Roku every Sunday morning from his Orange County church. (He’s also on the radio here in SoCal.) I watch Dave’s sermon most Sunday mornings because while he’s thoroughly biblical, he’s also original, thinks broadly, and offers stories and applications that make me think.
With most sermons I hear, I forget them as soon as I hear them. With Dave, his insights sometimes stay with me for days.
Second, we want the worship music to be singable and meaningful.
By singable, I mean that the band on stage isn’t playing too loud. You can hear the people around you singing … not just the music … and you don’t have to strain to sing yourself.
By meaningful, I mean the songs are not selected because they’re currently popular, but because they say something significant about the Lord. The words are both theologically accurate and touching.
Many churches in our area offer music that’s too loud for singing. You can hear the band and singers on stage, but you can’t hear anyone around you.
And so many of the song lyrics are repetitious. I refuse to sing the same words over and over for no reason.
The trend in many churches is to sing the same song for eight to ten minutes … like what you’ll hear at a Chris Tomlin concert.
That may work for some people, but it doesn’t work for me. What is the point of singing the same words five and seven and nine times?
My son attends a Calvary Chapel that uses acoustic music. You can hear the voices around you. I enjoy their worship times.
My daughter attends a Reformed church that also uses acoustic music. The words to the songs are elegant and deeply moving.
I’d attend either church in a heartbeat … but my son’s church is 60 miles away, and my daughter’s church is 500 miles away.
I’m sure there are churches out there that offer what we’re looking for. I just don’t know where they are.
Third, we want to meet people who are in our socioeconomic background.
This is a big problem for us around here.
I grew up in suburban Anaheim, California. Every church I pastored was located in a suburban area as well.
I don’t fit in an urban environment, and I don’t fit in a rural environment, either.
My wife and I spent 27 years ministering in the San Francisco Bay Area. We fit best with the people in that region. They are “our people.”
But we don’t live there … we live in the Inland Empire … and much of our community is rural … along with the communities ten miles north, west, and east of us.
This is really tough for us. We don’t want to come off as snobs. We aren’t better than the people around here … we’re just different.
There are churches around here where most of the people have tattoos or piercings. Praise God that those people know the Lord … but it makes us feel very uncomfortable.
You can’t determine a “relational fit” from a church website. You have to visit the church first.
And this is a major reason why we visit most churches only once.
Fourth, we want to be theologically compatible with the church’s faith and practice.
Two Sundays ago, my wife and I visited a church 15 miles south of us.
There was nothing on the church website that indicated the kind of church they were.
After a couple of worship songs, I turned to my wife and said, “This is a charismatic church.”
Now there is nothing wrong per se with a charismatic church … it’s just not our preference.
The pastor’s son spoke that morning … at a supersonic rate. He spoke on the Lord’s appointing and anointing.
My wife wanted to walk out after a few minutes. He was making us both highly anxious by his rapid-fire delivery.
I told her later that in some churches, when a pastor speaks fast, that’s an indication that he is anointed with the Holy Spirit.
After the sermon, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation to pray to receive Christ. Everyone!
That, my friends, is manipulation, pure and simple … and I refuse to attend any church that uses manipulation.
We attended another church for a few months where a woman was on the staff. That was okay.
But one Sunday, we came to church, and she delivered the sermon.
For us, that was not okay.
Churches aren’t going to tell you their peculiarities on their website. You have to visit them first.
If you visit them a few times, they won’t hide their unique beliefs or practices very long.
And then you can decide if you want to stay or not.
Finally, we want to be able to use our spiritual gifts in service.
My top spiritual gift is teaching.
My wife’s passion is outreach.
I have tried to find a church that will let me use my teaching gift, but I keep hearing the same thing: the pastor is our only teacher.
And if the pastor shares his pulpit, he shares it with staff … or a visiting missionary … or an old pastor friend.
I’m not angling to preach. I just want to teach God’s Word to God’s people.
In our community, my guess is that less than 10% of the churches even offer Sunday School or adult Bible classes.
And I don’t know where those churches are.
Instead, the churches offer small groups, which is good … but the whole idea of groups is that everyone participates … and no one teaches.
I suppose I could volunteer to clean toilets … or move chairs … or work in the nursery … or fill a slot somewhere.
Forgive me, but no thanks.
Since I can’t use my gifts inside a church, I write instead.
_______________
A couple weeks ago, my wife spent several hours looking for a church for us to visit.
She checked out dozens of websites … and only found a handful of churches that might appeal to us.
When I checked out the churches, I eliminated most of them for the reasons listed above.
I’ve decided to make a chart and rank the churches in priority order.
But my big concern is that we aren’t going to find a church where we fit.
Yes, we’ve visited several churches, and gone back two or three or more times … hoping that would become our church home.
But it just hasn’t worked out.
We’re not looking for a perfect church … just one where we fit.
There are many such churches in the Bay Area … and in Orange County.
There aren’t that many in the Inland Empire.
That older gentleman was right:
A good church is indeed hard to find.
Ministering to Christians Wounded by Their Leaders
Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged christian leaders who sin, helping christians wounded by their leaders, reclaiming wounded christians, wounded Christians on July 20, 2018| 2 Comments »
I recently met a woman who told me why she will never serve in a church again.
While a new believer, she became the office manager for a prestigious megachurch. She served in that position for seven years.
The pastor governed the church without any kind of board or advisory group … an acceptable practice within that church’s wider Christian movement.
After she eventually left her position – she said she “knew too much” – she was asked to go back and comb through seven years of financial records.
When she did so, she found that the pastor had used church funds to do work on his house, among other things.
But then the coup de grace came when the pastor had an affair … divorced his wife … and married his lover.
The pastor left his position, but several years later, was placed in another church by the leader of that wider Christian movement.
That was it for her.
She told me that she attends a church with her husband, but that they will not serve as volunteers or in any other fashion.
I asked her, “So you just sit on the back row and leave after the service?”
“Yes,” she said.
This woman was thoughtful, intelligent, and interesting, with a great personality.
But she also has her limits for witnessing and tolerating bad behavior … as is true for most of us.
_______________
Christian leaders are fond of proclaiming that Jesus wants His Church to fulfill His Great Commission … to “make disciples of all nations” … and making disciples initially involves bringing people to faith in Christ.
So Christians share Christ through mass crusades … rock concerts … youth camps … men and women’s retreats … movies and literature … and numerous other methodologies.
But we devote little to no personnel, time, energy, or resources to believers who are the victims of Christian misbehavior.
Our country is littered with tens of thousands of Christians who feel so wounded and violated by the sins of Christian leaders (pastors, staffers, board members and other leaders) that they either don’t go to church or, if they do, they sit on the back row.
And when they hear the pastor say, “We need volunteers for Vacation Bible School next week,” or “We ask you to give so our mission team can go to Russia,” they immediately exempt themselves from any involvement.
These people are believers in Jesus Christ … they have just stopped believing in the local church.
After they have seen and heard “enough,” they pull back on church participation. They become isolated … sometimes from other Christians, mostly from local churches.
And they don’t identify themselves inside the Christian community. They just keep quiet.
I encouraged the woman I mentioned above to tell me her story. She was hesitant to do so. Like most believers, she didn’t want to cause any trouble.
_______________
Thirty years ago, I read an article in Leadership Journal written by John Savage. Based on his research, Savage claimed that whenever a churchgoer stopped attending their home church for six to eight weeks, they would reinvest their lives in other pursuits and quit church altogether because they concluded that nobody at the church cared enough to notice they were missing.
Savage believed that congregations need systems to track their attendees and that they should be contacted by someone from their church well before that six-week period.
For instance, in our last ministry, once a regular attender was missing for two Sundays, someone contacted them the very next week and said, “We’ve missed seeing you. Is everything okay? How can we help?”
Savage said that once someone stops attending for eight weeks, there is only one way to get them to return.
He said a loving, well-trained person/couple need to set up an appointment with the lapsed attender(s) … and the meeting needs to take place in the attender’s home.
Savage said that the people from church should only stay one hour … and that they should spend at least fifty minutes of that hour listening rather than talking.
Savage said it takes five or six similar meetings before the lapsed churchgoer(s) shares the real reasons why they aren’t attending church … and only then is there hope they might return.
Assuming that Savage’s research was accurate, there are obvious downsides to his approach.
To reclaim lapsed attenders, a church would need to:
*make such a ministry a priority
*identify people who could do it well
*get them to buy into Savage’s approach
*train these people to listen attentively to the hurts of lapsed attendees
*expect little return from such a ministry
That’s why it’s far better for a church to set up a ministry to identify and contact missing churchgoers within two weeks than to wait two months.
And the pastor can’t engage in such a ministry personally because many of the complaints center around him … and most churchgoers will never share that information in his presence.
_______________
How can we minister to people who have been deeply wounded by Christian leaders?
Let me offer four suggestions:
First, stop blaming them for the way they feel.
If you’ve been hurt by a Christian leader, you may feel anger … disappointment … hurt … and fear.
Those feelings are all legitimate.
When most Christians are violated in some way by a leader, they can’t reconcile that leader’s behavior with the gospel or New Testament Christianity.
Especially since most of the time, sinning leaders don’t repent and ask forgiveness from their victims.
The closer a Christian was to that leader, the more deeply they feel the pain.
When a pastor commits a major offense, he creates unknown collateral damage … so we shouldn’t blame the victims.
I’ve heard pastors criticize these Christian victims from the pulpit. It doesn’t work.
Instead:
Second, we have to understand where they’re coming from.
I once knew a pastor who was trying to convince the people in his congregation to serve as volunteers.
He proudly told me what he told them: “If you aren’t serving in this church, you’re out of the will of God.”
That statement was not only insensitive … it was just plain dumb … and designed to drive people away from service rather than move them toward it.
Is is possible that some people in that church had tried to serve in another church and had a terrible experience?
Yes.
Then why condemn them because they didn’t want to feel the same kind of pain again?
It would be better for someone in that church to set up meetings and listen to people’s stories than to tar them all as being “out of the will of God.”
In fact, if I’d been wounded by a leader, the only way I’d even consider participation in a church again is if I could tell my story to a safe Christian.
Where are such safe Christians today?
Third, most Christians will only tolerate so much sin in their leaders.
Most people know who actress Patricia Heaton is. She is a Roman Catholic Christian who stands strongly against abortion and often quotes Scripture on her Twitter account.
Yesterday she tweeted about a priest who has been found guilty of raping young boys. She wrote: “The church will continue to decline and lose people like me if they keep tolerating this abomination.”
The woman I wrote about at the beginning of this article was most upset that her former pastor was given another church by his superior. She felt that his behavior was so horrendous that he should never pastor again.
Since I don’t know the details, I can’t comment on that pastor’s reassignment.
But that reassignment came with a price … one that most people would never hear about: the alienation of a good woman and her husband from Christian service.
I know many pastors who have been married for decades and have always been faithful to their wives … yet because they were forced to resign from their churches, no church will even consider them as a pastoral candidate.
But if a church has a pastoral opening, shouldn’t those pastors be considered before someone guilty of sexual immorality?
Finally, we need to speak openly about wounded Christians because their ranks are growing.
Many years ago, when I was still a pastor, I had a conversation with a Christian couple I’ve known for decades.
When I asked them about their current church commitment, they told me they weren’t going to church anymore.
They told me a story about how they went to their pastor, and tried talking to him about a family issue, and how insensitive the pastor was toward them.
Instead of trying to understand, I got on them a bit, telling them, “But all pastors and churches aren’t like that.”
What I failed to understand was that the experience was so painful that they couldn’t go through it again … so their best solution was just to stay away from church altogether.
Right now, I know many Christians who used to attend church regularly and serve enthusiastically. But now they aren’t going to church at all, go only sporadically, or warm a pew and then zip right home.
Sometimes they have good reasons for their non-participation. Other times, their reasons don’t seem very compelling.
But there are thousands and thousands of good, solid believers who could be reclaimed, restored, and renewed if only someone in Christ’s church would devise a ministry for them.
Any ideas?
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