Back in the 1990s, I read a little sidebar in Leadership Journal written by Bill Hybels, senior pastor of Willow Creek Community Church near Chicago. I recounted this story often over the ensuing years.
Hybels wrote that he briefly visited the church campus for a rehearsal one week night. The next morning, he received a note in his box from a church groundskeeper. The note said, “Bill, when you visited last night, you parked in an area that’s off limits to everyone. Just wanted you to know.”
Instead of lashing out at him, Hybels commended his corrector and told his Leadership audience, “I need to be an example, not an exception.”
And for decades, Pastor Bill from Willow has been an example of Christian leadership … until the recent revelations that may indicate inappropriate conduct on his part toward at least seven women.
There’s much we don’t know about what happened between Hybels and the women who have gone public with their concerns. Maybe more revelations will surface in the coming days. And I must confess … it’s difficult to analyze this situation from a distance. But many people I know have been talking about it … with strong reactions on all sides … and I’ve learned a lot by listening to their observations.
I have no inside or additional information … just my own perspective about this situation.
(I’m adding a few photos I took from Willow in 2005 to break up this article.)
Let me pose and attempt to answer four questions about the Willow “train wreck”:
First, what do you think about the accounts of impropriety from various women?
At first, like many people, I didn’t want to believe the charges against Hybels. We don’t have any video of Hybels’ individual encounters with these women, so they initially fall into a “he said, she said” category. But when seven women share their stories, and patterns emerge from their narratives, the similarities are most likely true.
*The accounts told by various women go back as far as the mid-1980s through at least 2011, so Hybels can’t claim they all happened when he was younger (and didn’t know the boundaries) nor when he was older (and his judgment was worn down). The accounts spread over nearly three decades seem to indicate a pattern of behavior.
*The accounts are too detailed and concrete to be dismissed as a conspiracy. What dismays many of us is that the allegations don’t sound like the Hybels that thousands of us respected. I have a friend whose wife was in Hybels’ youth group and she says he never would have acted like these women claim he did. Did something change over the years?
*I can’t wrap my head around why Hybels liked to tell select women how attractive or sexy they were, but Willow’s leaders have had a track record of focusing on the outward appearance of their public leaders.
Twenty-five years ago this month, someone who used to attend Willow hired one of Hybels’ former top leaders to serve as a consultant for our new church. One of the consultant’s recommendations was to keep those who weren’t “in shape” off the stage, especially if they were singing or acting in a drama. When I unwisely tried to implement this “Willow value,” a good couple immediately left the church, and I alienated one of the elders as well as some others … and I’ve regretted it ever since.
Maureen Girkins, former publisher from Zondervan, says Hybels told her that “she’d be more successful if she tried to be sexier.” A Christian leader might think that, but to say it aloud?
*Several women mentioned that Hybels told them how unhappy he was at home. Many of us in ministry know that the pathway to an affair starts with both the pastor and another woman sharing their marital unhappiness with each other. It’s dangerous territory. Why did Hybels, of all people, take that risk?
I attended the first International Conference at Willow in June 1994. Hybels met with a group of pastors one afternoon and told us that he was in counseling for some “junk” from his past and that he and his wife were in counseling as well. He was very transparent about his problems even though he and Lynne had written their marriage book Fit to be Tied the previous year.
I think it’s safe to say that this ministry couple had ongoing struggles in their relationship, although that’s not uncommon.
*As Christianity Today noted, “Hybels pressured women into spending time alone with him.” This sounds like more than mentoring. He comes off as a man who needed a friend, someone who could understand him. I’m not trying to minimize his actions … just trying to figure out what he was after. Was he looking for a listening ear or a wifely upgrade?
*Was anyone else disturbed by several accounts of staffers telling various women that they were “Hybels’ type?” When a Christian leader gets married, shouldn’t his wife be “his type” from that moment on? If this detail is true, it sounds like something that would happen in middle school, not in one of the nation’s largest churches.
Hybels wrote books with the following titles, among many others: Christians in a Sex-Crazed Culture; Honest to God?; Descending Into Greatness; and Character: Who You Are When No One’s Looking. Right now, those titles look a bit ironic.
Second, if these accounts sound plausible, why did Hybels vehemently deny them all?
I can only guess.
Bill Hybels is the most transparent and vulnerable pastor that I’ve ever heard. At the large-group gathering of pastors at the 1994 Conference, someone asked Hybels how he could be so transparent. His answer? He said something like, “It takes too much energy to hide things.” While I enjoyed the creativity of Willow’s services … their core value of “people matter to God” … and the excellence with which they did everything … I was most impressed with the leadership’s authenticity, which sprang from their senior pastor.
So if Hybels was guilty of any of the infractions presented by these women, I would have expected him to confess, “I did say that … I didn’t do that … I may have done that.”
But that’s not what he did. Instead, he initially issued a blanket denial, both to his congregation (including an online video) and to the Chicago Tribune, where he said:
“I want to speak to all the people around the country that have been misled … for the past four years and tell them in my voice, in as strong a voice as you’ll allow me to tell it, that the charges against me are false. There still to this day is not evidence of misconduct on my part.”
Why the initial denials?
*Is is possible there is a “megachurch morality?” Let me share what happened to me eight years ago.
Seven months after I left my last ministry, I was still pretty raw emotionally. A friend set up a meeting between me and a megachurch pastor. We spent an hour in his office together.
At one point, the pastor told me a story … which I have since forgotten … but he then told me, “If you share this story with anybody else, and it gets back to me, I will deny it.”
I didn’t forget that statement.
That’s not the kind of thing a pastor with integrity would say. He was telling me, “If what I’ve just shared resurfaces, I will tell a lie.” It just rolled off his tongue like it was no big deal.
Is it possible that some megachurch pastors have a “I will protect my reputation and that of my church” at all costs mentality … even if it means lying? Is this how they stay in power?
I admit this question is based on one incident … but it makes me wonder.
One of my mentors … a man I respect as much as anyone … recently told me that the entitled and privileged in the evangelical world constitute “one sicko sick system.” I lack his knowledge of what happens on the inside of a very large church, so I’m unsure what to think.
*Is it possible that Willow had a “buddy culture?” Jodi Walle was John Ortberg’s executive assistant at Willow for seven years. She writes in this piece on her website (www.jodiwalle.com), “There was probably a naïve ‘buddy’ culture that didn’t place enough emphasis on male vs female. It shows that Bill was possibly more relaxed and felt too comfortable with women …”
Yes, some of the accusations might have occurred in the context of a “buddy” culture, and Walle wrote her piece before the April 21 revelations from Christianity Today. But Zondervan publisher Maureen Girkins certainly wasn’t part of that culture.
But the women must have been equally relaxed with Hybels to run with him alone or to visit his hotel room when summoned. Yes, he held a degree of power over some of them, but didn’t they think twice about such arrangements? What was wrong with saying, “I’m not comfortable doing this or being here?”
*If Hybels had admitted publicly to any kind of wrongdoing, how would his confession(s) have been received?
Let’s go back to when Hybels’ accusers first went public. If Hybels had said at that time, “Look, I didn’t use my best judgment in these situations, and I want to apologize to these women personally, and if necessary, in the presence of the elders.”
What would have happened?
I don’t know. My hope is that upon hearing Hybels’ confession, each woman would have forgiven him completely, and that would have settled the matter.
But what if Hybels and/or the elders feared that if he admitted any wrongdoing … no matter how small … there would have been calls for his termination or resignation?
If Hybels had admitted some degree of culpability … and it somehow became public … he had no way of knowing what the aftermath of his admission might be. What if someone refused to forgive him and sought revenge instead?
It’s easy to say, “Well, he shouldn’t think about the consequences. He should just admit his sin and take his lumps like a man.”
But Hybels wasn’t the pastor of an average church, but the leader of one of America’s most influential churches … one that’s become a movement … with an association of churches … and one that trains thousands of leaders.
In a very real way, Hybels was Willow to tens of thousands of people … but if Hybels went down, Willow and all its ministries would be negatively affected … possibly for years.
None of us can say how those admissions would have been used. Hybels had to have his eye on his succession plan and planned retirement, and knew that in the present cultural climate, even a private admission on his part about a sensitive issue could go public and put Willow and its Association in jeopardy.
I am not saying that Hybels chose to lie. And I am not saying that he was even conscious that he had done anything wrong. (It’s easy to rationalize a host of misbehaviors if you’ve been operating under a “buddy culture.”)
But he and the elders had to know that in this particular area … misconduct toward women … it doesn’t take much for people to coalesce against a common opponent … and for the target of their wrath to become toast.
We all watched the dissolution of Mars Hill Church several years ago. A church of 14,000 people and its satellite campuses vanished into nothingness seemingly overnight.
Willow may be constructed on a more robust foundation, but in today’s climate … especially with the viciousness of social media … anything is possible.
To Hybels’ credit, he finally made the following statements to his church on the night of his resignation:
“… I realize now that in certain settings and circumstances in the past I communicated things that were perceived in ways I did not intend, at times making people feel uncomfortable. I was blind to this dynamic for far too long. For that I’m very sorry.”
He continued:
“… I too often placed myself in situations that would have been far wiser to avoid. I was, at times, naive about the dynamics those situations created. I’m sorry for the lack of wisdom on my part. I commit to never putting myself in similar situations in the future.”
This is a good start. As the elders listen to the stories of other women, and as Hybels goes through a time of reflection, let’s pray that this conflict can be eventually resolved.
Third, how should Christians view the organized effort to damage Hybels?
More than eight years ago, a small, vocal group inside the church I served wanted to force me out as pastor. They didn’t have anything on me, so they went after my wife … who was on the staff … instead. (These events are recounted in my book Church Coup.)
From the moment the accusations against my wife surfaced, I knew that I would end up leaving.
I brought in a church consultant who did some interviews and attended two congregational meetings. As a former pastor, he knew instinctively what the opposition was trying to accomplish, and spelled it out in his report. He contained the damage and helped me negotiate an exit package.
But most of my supporters didn’t think matters were all that serious. Some were trying to figure out how I could stay while addressing the concerns of the opposition.
But my opponents weren’t in a negotiating mood. They had organized a plan to push me OUT … and the signs were all there.
I don’t know how much opposition Hybels had from within Willow, or whether anybody currently on the staff or elders wanted his scalp.
But I know the signs, and I don’t believe the group effort involving John Ortberg was just after repent/prevent … trying to get Hybels to repent so they could prevent others from being hurt.
In my view, they wanted to damage his reputation as well.
I have a pastor friend who believes that it takes a megachurch pastor like John Ortberg to confront a megachurch pastor like Bill Hybels. And because I don’t understand “megachurch morality,” my friend may be right.
My friend also believes that Ortberg had nothing to gain by becoming involved in this situation, although I surmised some possibilities in my article from March 28.
But I’m looking for a biblical precedent here, and having a hard time seeing it. As apostles, Paul and John took on troublemakers inside churches by name, even though they weren’t present in those churches … but does Hybels fit that category? And has Ortberg been given the authority of an apostle in today’s Christian community?
Something just doesn’t feel right to me about this.
Several thoughts:
*Division inside a congregation begins when churchgoers pool their grievances against a common opponent … usually the pastor. I throw my two complaints into the mix … you toss in your four … and pretty soon, we have a list of twenty-four grievances against the pastor … and our twenty-four look twelve times worse than my original two.
Now the pastor is a bad guy who has to go because he committed twenty-four offenses!
In the process, I allow myself to be triangled … to take responsibility for your pain … rather than encouraging you to work things out between you and your offender.
It’s far, far better … and much more biblical … for God’s people to implement Matthew 18:15-17 before they do anything else:
#Go to the pastor privately and directly (Jesus doesn’t exclude Christian leaders from His words) and try and get him to repent.
#If he won’t listen, take one or two more with you and try again.
#If he still won’t listen, tell the entire congregation. (At this point, the official church board would probably become involved, and try and speak with the pastor themselves. If he wouldn’t repent, then they could call a meeting of the church.)
Were these steps followed by each of the initial four women? I’m not saying they weren’t, but it bothers me in any church that people can latch onto a group that opposes a pastor before they’ve tried speaking with him themselves. It’s all too easy for a person with one grievance to carry the grievances of others … and it expands the sense of injustice … although it does make people feel powerful.
In my case, no one ever implemented Matthew 18 and came to me directly. The first time I heard any charges were in a public church meeting … but Jesus doesn’t begin by saying, “If your brother sins against you … tell it to the church.”
More than eight years later, I still feel horribly violated by those public charges … and by that power tactic. So I can understand how angry Hybels felt when someone started calling pastors and Christian leaders and accusing him of impropriety.
But is it possible that either Hybels or the elders … or both … made it difficult for the women to come forward and share their stories?
*In the Christian community, a pastor’s attackers are rarely confronted or disciplined. In my last ministry, even though their tactics were not loving or godly, my detractors were not corrected or warned by anyone official. Humanly speaking, they got away with it. In fact, some were later rewarded and given places of leadership.
Sadly, over the years, I’ve learned that the last place an accused pastor can find “justice” is inside a local church.
In Deuteronomy 19:15-21, if a witness in ancient Israel accused someone of a crime, and the accused was later exonerated, the false witness was to be given the same punishment as the person he/she accused. But this rarely happens in the Christian community today. Those who slander leaders are almost never dealt with. A pastor who is publicly accused of wrongdoing is assumed to be guilty without any kind of a trial. Thank God the report of Hybels having a ten-year affair was quickly rebutted by Willow’s elders or Hybels could have been forced out by a lie four years ago.
*Why did Hybels’ accusers need John Ortberg’s assistance to confront Hybels?
Both the secular and evangelical presses have melded the offended women and the Ortbergs (and the Mellados) together.
I’d like to separate them out for a moment.
I can understand how the initial four women felt wronged as they heard each other’s stories. And I can understand how one or two of them might choose to represent their friends and approach Willow’s elders with their concerns.
But why bring in Hybels’ former colleague John Ortberg? (I just noticed on Amazon that they co-wrote a book together.) Or did he volunteer to help them? And it seems all the more odd because neither Hybels nor the elders seemed to respond to Ortberg’s overtures very favorably … especially when he and his group issued their infamous five demands. (Why did they think the elders would agree to them? Or were they just posturing?)
The women may have been naive about how these things work, but Ortberg assuredly knew what would happen once the women’s claims against Hybels went public. He knows how the game is played.
Jodi Walle, Ortberg’s executive assistant I mentioned earlier, wrote an open letter to him on her website. She asked him:
“How is it that now you are the one to give women a voice? We have a voice. It’s our job to use it. To be current and to go to someone if they have harmed us. You have nothing to say about any of it. If anything, you are part of the problem.”
But she could have added, “I know what you are doing, John. You are pushing hard so that Bill resigns.”
There’s an untold story as to Ortberg’s motives that we may never know … and yes, I’ve read his explanation online.
But Jodi Walle’s open letter to Ortberg paints a different picture of him than some might imagine. Yet so far, to my knowledge, nobody has addressed Walle’s revelations publicly.
Read it yourself at www.jodiwalle.com
I find the silence very telling.
Hybels alleges … and I have no reason to doubt him … that someone was calling pastors and Christian leaders about him over the past few years, but that kind of whispering campaign … and it was a campaign … was designed to ruin Hybels’ reputation.
And contacting the Chicago Tribune about the allegations was the coup de grace. Who thought that was a good idea?
But guess what? The tactic worked. It usually does … and Ortberg, as an experienced pastor, had to know that.
Paul Simon once wrote and sang a song called, “Sure Don’t Feel Like Love.”
And contacting Christian leaders privately and going to a secular newspaper “sure don’t feel like love” either.
*There are two main ways of getting rid of a pastor when he has not done something clearly impeachable:
First, you gather together multiple charges.
In Hybels’ case, there has been one primary charge: his improper behavior toward women. There haven’t been accusations (to my knowledge) of mishandling church funds, for example, but there have been various allegations of sexual impropriety.
Second, you gather together multiple accusers … like in the Bill Cosby case.
And that’s what happened with Hybels as well.
But the better way … and the biblical way … is for each individual to deal with issues as they arise.
However … two women claimed they did confront Hybels about his behavior. One was Julia Wilkins from the gym (mentioned in the latest Christianity Today article), and the other was Vonda Dyer (who wrote her own story online). It took great courage for those women to go to Hybels … in his office … and confront him … but in neither case did the women report anything resembling an apology.
Having been a pastor for thirty-six years, I know how difficult it is for people inside a church to confront their pastor about wrongdoing. I could probably count on two hands the number of people that came to me personally over the years, so they stand out in my mind … and I’m probably a gentler person than Hybels.
When he denied any wrongdoing, it’s hard for me to believe that Hybels couldn’t recall those confrontations … especially since both women could have escalated matters by approaching Willow’s elders instead.
Conflicts in churches could be avoided and resolved if people would just address matters as they occur … and that’s certainly what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:23-26, and what Paul taught in Ephesians 4:26-27.
The Bible doesn’t give us a specific statute of limitations on confronting those who may have harmed us, but to go back twenty years to complain about a comment the pastor made seems vengeful to me.
There are two surefire ways to destroy a relationship: make a long list of someone’s offenses and recite it back to them … and mention offenses they may have committed that go back many years.
This is the way the world works. This isn’t supposed to be the way the church works.
I just wonder who is influencing whom.
Finally, how should people handle their complaints against a pastor?
This is my own shorthand formula:
First, overlook citations. Pastors are human. They make mistakes. They wear down. They get silly sometimes. They aren’t always at their best. Not every “offense” is serious.
My wife leaves her shoes all over the house. Sometimes I trip on them. I’ve asked her for years to put them away, but her habits haven’t changed.
To get along, I’ve chosen to overlook the shoes. It’s not that important. And she’s chosen to overlook some poor habits of mine.
I’m not prepared to say how many of the accusations against Hybels fall into the citation category, but I can think of a few that caused me to say, “Oh, brother. That’s just piling on.”
They should have been overlooked rather than tossed into the mix.
Second, confront misdemeanors. When a pastor has hurt someone … and he may not be aware of that fact … the person offended needs to speak with him privately. Isn’t that what Matthew 18:15 teaches? The burden is on the one sinned against to initiate reconciliation.
Most offenses that a pastor commits are misdemeanors in nature. The only way to restore matters is for the offended person to take the initiative and lovingly approach the offender.
I’ve had people confront me about things I’ve said or did that hurt them, and when I did wrong, I apologized and asked for their forgiveness.
But I’ve also had people confront me about things that I didn’t do or say, and I wouldn’t apologize just to make the matter go away.
Many years ago, on Easter Sunday, the church I was serving had just finished the first service. The worship team met to evaluate that service and make adjustments for the second service. Out of nowhere, a male vocalist (who had a handicap) accused me of saying something cruel about him. To his credit, he confronted me right away, but I didn’t say what he thought he heard, nor would I ever have said it.
Yet he demanded that I apologize to him. But should I have apologized to him if I didn’t say what he thought I did?
Pastors are accused of offenses all the time … a few to their face, most behind their back. It’s why Paul wrote 1 Timothy 5:19-21. My guess is that most of the offenses that a pastor is accused of fall into the misdemeanor category … but relatively few people will ever confront the pastor to make things right.
Instead, they sometimes elevate clear misdemeanors to personal felonies.
Third, investigate felonies. Many years ago, a woman approached me with information about a member of our church staff. To put it mildly, he was not the person he claimed to be.
I spent two days at home making phone calls and doing research to find out if her allegations were true … and they were. Then I shared my written documentation with the church board and we created a plan to confront him with two of the allegations.
They were both serious enough to result in termination.
According to Deuteronomy 19:15-21, when a person was accused of a crime in Israel, the judges commissioned and carried out an investigation, then issued their findings.
Sometimes pastors are accused of serious matters, and the official church board has to investigate the charges.
There are three primary areas that should cause church leaders to investigate a pastor’s conduct: heresy, sexual immorality, and criminal behavior.
Sexual abuse, sexual assault, and sexual intercourse outside marriage all constitute felonies that usually result in the immediate dismissal of a pastor. By this standard, no one has yet accused Hybels of any ministry felonies.
But … and this is the challenging part … they may feel like felonies to the women involved. Otherwise, why go public with their accusations?
The elders at Willow launched an internal investigation and then hired an outside investigator to examine the initial charges against Hybels. One might say that both investigations chose to overlook citations nor cite any felonies.
But it seems obvious now that Hybels committed at least some misdemeanors. They shouldn’t have been overlooked.
But I believe the moment Hybels’ accusers went public, his ministry at Willow was finished. That’s the era in which we now live.
_______________
Bill Hybels has a secure place in the history of the Christian church. He has done enormous good for the kingdom of God, even though many people have questioned or disagreed with his methodologies.
I’d like to recount a well-known verse of Scripture … one that many of us learned as a child:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
I pray for Bill and Lynne Hybels and wish them well in the future. And I pray that if Hybels sinned against any of the women who have come forward, that he would admit his wrongdoing and ask for their forgiveness.
And I also pray that the evangelical community, Willow Creek, and Hybels’ accusers can someday forgive him as well.
May this situation cause all of us to examine our own hearts and reexamine the way we deal with those who wrong us.
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Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Six Stages of a Terminated Pastor’s Recovery, Part 2
Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged forgiveness after pastoral terminatin, pastoral termination, perspective on pastoral termination, recovering from pastoral termination on May 25, 2018| Leave a Comment »
I once had a conversation with a pastor who had been asked to leave his church by the official board.
His attitude was, “Okay, I’ll resign.”
And according to him, he and his wife then quietly left the church.
The way he told the story, he didn’t ask for any severance … didn’t feel any anger … didn’t tell anyone what happened … and didn’t need any time to recover.
Personally, I think he was either lying to me or greatly exaggerated how well he handled his departure.
Because most pastors who are forced out of their churches don’t recover quickly. According to my friend and mentor Charles Chandler, founder of the Ministering to Ministers Foundation, it takes the average pastor one to three years to heal from a forced termination.
And in some cases, I believe it can take longer than that.
In my last blog, I wrote about the first three stages that a pastor goes through after being forced to leave a ministry:
Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Searching
Stage 3: Panic
Let me share the final three stages with you:
Stage 4: Forgiveness
I’ve heard pastors tell me their stories but try and excuse or explain the behavior of the official board or an antagonistic faction.
If the board wasn’t at fault … if they did everything right … then the pastor should feel little to no anger, and he probably doesn’t have to forgive anyone.
But if the board violated Scripture … and possibly the church’s constitution/bylaws … and lied about the pastor’s offenses … and demonstrated callousness rather than compassion … and offered little to no severance … then the pastor rightfully feels angry, and he will have to forgive his opponents before he can truly recover.
Some boards know that the way they’re treating their pastor is wrong, but they do it anyway. These are usually boards that are run by bullies and people who are powerful/wealthy in the church or community. The bullies have sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies and force others to do their bidding.
These boards must be forgiven.
Other boards … maybe most … think that the way they’re treating their pastor is right, but if they asked him … and probably the majority of their congregation … they’d say, “You’re handling matters horribly.”
These boards must be forgiven as well.
Surveying those who crucified Him, Jesus prayed in Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Jesus was treated horribly. He didn’t do anything wrong but was crucified on trumped-up charges.
Yet from His perspective, Jesus granted His enemies unilateral forgiveness. He forgave them for their sins against the Father and the Son. He chose not to hang onto personal anger and bitterness.
But He did not offer His enemies bilateral forgiveness … or reconciliation … from the cross. That offer would come later.
Now here’s the problem with pastors who have undergone termination: what the pastor really wants … and needs … is reconciliation … but it isn’t possible.
He has to settle for unilateral forgiveness instead.
Let me share how this works from my own story.
The board at my former church may have been upset with me over a few issues, but for months, they did not bring them to my attention, nor did they ask me to repent.
Instead, at our final meeting, they brought up an incident where I had already asked for their forgiveness and changed my behavior.
Then they mentioned a second supposed offense which I deny to this day.
In neither case did they allow me to respond to their charges. They engaged in a scripted monologue that made them feel better but made me feel angry. The climate in the meeting was, “We’re right, Jim, but you’re wrong.”
It’s hard to defend yourself when it’s six against one.
Yet eight days after our final meeting, all six board members resigned together.
Based upon their resignation letter, they never wanted to see or hear from me again. In fact, if you read their letter, you would conclude that they hated me … which is how I interpreted what they wrote.
Then a week later, at two public congregational meetings, someone stood up and rattled off a list of charges against me which the board had never shared to my face. In fact, it was the first time I had heard of all but one charge.
According to the church consultant present at those meetings, I suffered abuse and slander. He later wrote that the board had acted “extremely and destructively.”
Those six board members chose not to interact with me anymore. To this day, not one of them has ever tried contacting me for any reason. Any personal relationships we had were destroyed when our working relationship was severed.
The board is no longer an entity. I doubt if they have annual reunions. If I wanted to reconcile with them, what would that look like?
I read a book once about a pastor who tried to do just that. A year after he left his previous church, he called the board together and tried to reconcile with them.
But they were even more angry and adamant about the pastor than they had been the year before! Their hearts had hardened toward him, not softened.
I have never heard of a pastor who was able to reconcile with a board or a faction that pushed him out of office. Maybe it’s happened … I’m just unaware of it.
Individuals from the board or a faction might desire reconciliation, but most of the time, they’d have to initiate contact with the pastor.
I can count on one hand the number of churches that I’ve heard about that brought back a pastor and admitted they sinned against him when they ran him out of town.
But in most of these situations, the board members who sent him packing are no longer on the board … and they probably wouldn’t agree with the church’s decision anyway.
The problem with reconciliation between a pastor and the board that terminated him is that they would have to rehash the story again … both sides would probably end up taking the same stances they took in the past … and the pastor would be hurt all over again.
In my case, I was not guilty of any major offense. I tried to work with the board, but our value systems were just too different. One or both of us needed to leave.
Since reconciliation isn’t possible, granting unilateral forgiveness is the only thing a terminated pastor can do.
The timing of genuine forgiveness depends upon two factors: the severity of the injustice and the sensitivity of the pastor.
In my case, it took me six months before I could forgive those who ended my pastoral career.
Why did it take so long?
I wasn’t ready.
This means going to the Lord alone or with family … confessing any sins that the Lord leads you to confess … and then asking the Lord to forgive those who sinned against you, just as Jesus did in Luke 23:34.
If you can pray once and let things go, great. In my case, I’ve had to forgive some people multiple times as I’ve heard about new offenses they committed against me.
But if you don’t forgive those who hurt you, you will not be able to recover from your termination.
Forgiveness is essential.
When you’re ready, give the Lord your anger … let it go … and ask Him to right any wrongs.
And then trust Him to do just that.
If you want additional help, let me recommend the books on forgiveness by David Augsburger and Lewis Smedes. Augusburger is more biblical and deeper … Smedes is more practical and shares great stories.
Stage 5: Distancing
What do I mean by distancing?
After you have formally forgiven everyone who attacked and hurt you, you have to put some distance between you and (a) your former congregation as an entity, and (b) nearly everyone in that congregation.
Let me share a mistake I made along this line.
When my wife and I left our last church in December 2009, we not only had to move everything in our house, we both had offices at church as well.
We put everything in two moving pods … including at least two hundred boxes of my books … but we still had to leave some items behind … and we moved nearly 800 miles away.
I left three large filing cabinets full of files in the church office, and wasn’t able to return for them for three months.
When I returned, it took 21 Banker Boxes for all those files.
But it was extremely painful to return to the church. The interim pastor had set up camp in my former office of ten years … I could see him through the large window … and the church was planning to do a memorial service for a woman who had been one of my biggest supporters … but now I wouldn’t be conducting that service.
One night on that trip, I drove by the church in the rain … and it was the last time I ever saw the sign and the building.
I’ve returned to the city where we lived and worked several times, but I refuse to drive by the church.
It’s just too painful.
On several occasions, I met with friends from the church, but they wanted to talk about the real reasons why I was pushed out … and that was hard as well.
On one of those trips, I invited a good friend out to breakfast, but he never asked me one question about how I was doing, and talked about how much he liked the new pastor instead (even though his family left the church soon afterward).
The last time I visited the city was six years ago, and I promised myself I would never go back.
That’s what I mean by distancing.
To recover, you need to distance yourself:
*from seeing the church campus again. If you have to remember what it looked like, find some old photos.
*from spending any time with anyone who isn’t 100% your friend. Eight years later, I probably have 15-20 friends left from my former church … and that’s mostly on Facebook.
*from any of your detractors. There were people who claimed to be my friends when I left the church who flipped on me a few months or years afterward. Their disloyalty was so painful that I started pulling away from anyone I couldn’t fully trust.
*from hearing how the church is currently doing. If you don’t have contact with people who are at the church, you won’t have to hear how things are going. Most of the time, a church that pushes out their pastor will suffer as far as attendance, giving, volunteers, and morale for the next two to five years. I have no idea how my previous church is doing in any detail. I took my hands off the church years ago … and that’s the best gift I can give any successor.
*from the area where the church is located, if possible. Visit restaurants and stores in the area, and you’re bound to see someone you don’t want to see.
When I was in college, I worked two years for McDonald’s in Anaheim. While I’ve driven past it a few times since I moved out of Orange County in 1981, I haven’t stopped there for a burger or tried to see if anyone I knew in the early 1970s still works there.
They’ve moved on … as have I. McDonald’s no longer defines me.
That’s how pastors have to view their former churches.
Finally, there’s:
Stage 6: Perspective
You can’t have perspective on a forced termination until you’ve forgiven those who have hurt you and have put distance between you and your former church so you know they can’t hurt you again.
As long as you’re stressed, depressed, or in pain about your termination, your thinking about what happened to you will be skewed.
And it takes time to gain that perspective … sometimes a lot of time.
While self-reflection in this area is a good thing, you’ll gain far more perspective … and much more quickly … if you ask others for assistance.
I recommend:
*talking with several pastor friends. My pastor friends let me know that my departure did not change our friendship. That was their greatest gift to me. I also had meetings with a lot of prominent pastors, most of whom told me about the conflicts that they went through. Wounded pastors bond quickly and easily.
*talking with a church consultant or conflict expert. If you want to know what really happened in your situation, these are the guys you want to speak with. If I can help you in any way, please email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org I love to hear new stories about pastoral termination … and I know I can help.
*talking with one or two Christian counselors. I visited two counselors … both women … and both came highly recommended. (My wife saw them both as well.) Both had been in ministry so they understood the dynamics. Most pastors don’t see a counselor after a forced termination, and that’s a huge mistake. If a pastor doesn’t see a counselor, he will tend to bleed emotionally all over his wife and children, and after a while, they may not be able to take it anymore. The right counselor will listen to your story without judgment or condemnation … point out flaws in your thinking … help you discern healthy and unhealthy responses to your termination … and help you move forward. Make sure you see a Christian counselor who understands people in ministry! They will also understand spiritual warfare.
*talking with several of your supporters from the church … especially if they know the back story. Because I wrote a book about what happened to me, I spent hours emailing and calling people who knew what was said and done after I left. For example, two weeks after our departure, the new board chairman told the congregation that an investigation was done and “there was no evidence of any wrongdoing” on our part. I would never have known that unless several people told me it had occurred.
I had invested 35 years in pastoral ministry, but my final year was horrible. The church was landlocked, so I didn’t see any hope for growth, and the board was obsessed with money, even though we had plenty of funds for ministry.
After two bad board meetings in a row, I visited a counselor, who tested me and told me, “You’re severely burned out and headed for a breakdown.”
But I was so committed to ministry … to my church … and to my career that I would never have resigned voluntarily.
Looking back now, I see that the Lord in His mercy removed me from office. Things at the church were going to get worse with that board … not better … and more conflict was going to be the result.
As I’m fond of saying, I didn’t retire … the Lord retired me.
People sometimes ask me, “Don’t you miss church ministry?” And I always tell them the same thing, “No, I don’t. Thirty-five years was enough.”
My wife and I run in a preschool in our house. It took us nearly four years before we settled on our new career, but it’s gone very well, and we’re nearly always full.
We have nights and weekends free … can go to church with our son’s family and our three grandsons … and lead quiet but fulfilling lives.
I resonate with the words of Joseph, who told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good …”
When you focus more on God’s wise and good plan than the hurt and the pain caused by your detractors, you’re well on your way to recovering from your ecclesiastical nightmare.
In my case, I had to pray this prayer on multiple occasions because the board that wanted me gone thought they were clever in the way they handled matters but bungled them so badly I toyed with the idea of calling my book Bungled instead of Church Coup.
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