His words still reverberate in my ears.
25 years ago, I served as pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.
People attend small churches for various reasons. Near the top of the list is significance.
Many churchgoers want to have a say in decision-making, so leaders schedule lots of “business meetings.”
We had such a meeting one Sunday night after the evening service.
A woman made a statement in the meeting. While I cannot recall her precise wording, she mentioned something positive about her Bible teacher, who was also a board member.
The board member interpreted her comment in a negative manner. He quickly yelled out a response in front of the entire church, mentioning her indirectly.
The meeting was spinning out of control – and the moderator stood there in silence.
A few days after the meeting, I contacted the shouting board member and told him that he needed to apologize to the entire congregation for his behavior.
(If you sin in the presence of one person, you need to apologize to that one person. Sin in front of a group, apologize to that group. Sin in front of the congregation, apologize to the congregation.)
It took courage for me to speak with him.
He was twice my age.
He had been a pastor and a missionary in the past.
He was an intimidating individual.
He had vented his wrath on me at times, too.
But he had crossed a line, and he needed to acknowledge his mistake in front of his church family.
Sometimes we had guests on Sunday mornings, so that wasn’t the optimal time for his apology.
I invited him instead to make his apology during our next Sunday evening service when only our church family was present.
It was a so-so apology – maybe good for him, although not as sincere as I would have liked.
If the board member hadn’t apologized, I would have asked him to step down from the board. Yes, leaders mess up, just like everyone else, but when we do, we need to make things right by admiting our sins and requesting forgiveness – especially when we sin in a public setting.
In this case, we forgave him, and that was that.
If this incident happened in your church, how would it have been handled?
Some Christians prefer to deny that anything happened.
Others excuse such misbehavior.
A few believers choose to avoid the sinner in the future.
Some decide to ostracize the offender instead.
And some believers quickly forgive the person without waiting for any type of confession on the offender’s part.
The church as a whole tends to ignore Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
Notice the sequence: Your brother sins. You rebuke him. He repents. You forgive him.
But we tend to ignore the rebuking and the repenting steps. It’s too much work … and, truth be told, we often lack the courage to rebuke anyone … even our kids or friends.
So when our brother sins, we take a shortcut. We instantly forgive him … but we really choose to overlook his sin instead.
That doesn’t help him at all. He’s more susceptible to repeating his behavior.
And some people will choose to tiptoe around the offender from then on.
In the process, we teach our church that when you sin, nothing happens.
I seek to practice these words of Jesus in my own life and ministry.
They deal with sin realistically.
They heal relationships.
They provide true reconciliation.
This week, when a Christian brother or sister sins, gently rebuke him or her so they will repent. In essence, Jesus says, “No repentance, no forgiveness.” (Re-read the second half of verse 4 above.)
And when they repent, let them know you forgive them.
That’s Jesus’ way.
If Christians obeyed Luke 17:3-4, we’d have far less conflict and broken relationships in our churches.
And that’s the biblical way of dealing with sinning Christians.
So why don’t we do it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Confronting People Wisely
Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged galatians 6 on December 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »
Years ago, a friend asked me to breakfast. I had no idea what his agenda was.
Since we served together at church, I assumed we’d be discussing the ministry.
But he wanted to discuss something else: the way I’d been acting recently.
My friend told me that my attitude was alienating other church leaders. Up to that point, I was unaware there was a problem.
He let me know lovingly but firmly that my attitude needed to change … and he gave me a letter reiterating his points, just in case I didn’t hear him accurately. (I still have the letter.)
I have always been grateful for my friend’s actions because he confronted me in the precise way that Scripture commands.
Let’s assume that someone in your circle of influence has been displaying harmful attitudes or practicing destructive activity – and it’s negatively affecting your relationship with him or her.
My favorite verse to use during such times is Galatians 6:1-2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
How can you confront your friend wisely? Let me quickly suggest five ways:
First, prepare your heart spiritually. Galatians 6:1 says that only “you who are spiritual” should be involved in confronting others of sin. Those who are reluctant to be involved are the most qualified, while those who are eager to confront others should leave the job to someone else.
Before you take any further steps, pray for the person, their situation, and your role in any confrontation. Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know if you’re the right person to speak with your friend – and it will require divine courage.
Second, ask to meet with them in person. Do your best not to confront someone via email or texting or the telephone if it’s a personal matter. (Work-related issues may occasionally require using those means, though they’re not optimal.)
Instead, set up an appointment … but avoid telling them why you want to meet with them. If you do, your friend may insist you reveal your agenda immediately – or they may choose not to meet with you at all.
Some people prefer a public place, like a restaurant, because it minimizes the chance that one party will make a scene. On the other hand, if you need strict confidentiality, you may want to choose a more private location.
Third, express your love for the person … lovingly. Let them know that you value them as a friend, that you’ve had some great times together, and that you hope your friendship will continue for years. Help your friend feel safe and secure in your presence. Author and professor David Augsburger calls this care-fronting.
Most of us only make lasting changes in life in the context of unconditional love.
When you meet your friend, they’ll see the concern on your face, which can’t be done through email or phone conversations.
Fourth, share your concerns gently and humbly. Referring back to Galatians 6:1 above, sharing gently means you don’t scream, or use sarcasm, or convey a preachy tone. Instead, you speak softly and slowly, even in measured tones. In tennis terms, lob the ball over the net so they can easily hit it back.
And when you share humbly, realize that (a) you may have been guilty of the same sin in the past, (b) you are currently guilty of sins that your friend has never mentioned to you, and (c) you may be guilty of the identical sin you’re discussing with your friend in the future.
It’s possible that someday, you and your friend will reverse roles … so ban all self-righteousness from your life!
Finally, specify the behavior that concerns you, finishing with a question. Examples:
“I love you, brother, but I’ve seen you inappropriately touching some women recently. Am I seeing things accurately?”
“I’ve heard you criticize our pastor behind his back recently. Are you aware of this?”
“You’ve missed four church services in a row. Is life going okay for you?”
“I read something on your Facebook page recently that alarmed me. May I tell you what it is?”
When you ask a question, you’re inviting a dialogue. You’re not a prosecuting attorney, but a friend. If your friend doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, you may have to share some examples of their misbehavior.
However, since you may be wrong either in your observations or your conclusion, stay humble!
In my second youth pastorate, my pastor confronted me about a financial issue. He warned me, “Never borrow money from a church.” I asked him what he was referring to, and he told me that he heard that the governing board had given me $107 to fix my car. (I had been driving the youth kids all over creation – without a mileage allowance – so the board chose to pay my expenses without informing the pastor.)
I assured the pastor that the $107 was a gift, not a loan. If I had to do it again, I’d thank him for his concern but encourage him to check out the story with a board member.
The aim of a confrontation is never shame, or guilt, but always restoration. Jesus talks about “winning” your brother in Matthew 18:15-16. You’ve noticed that your friend has become stuck in life, and in the words of Galatians 6:2, you want to help carry his or her burdens.
Will a confrontation like this work? I once read where Charles Swindoll said it works about half the time. Confronting someone is admittedly risky because you can end a relationship forever.
But on the other hand, confronting someone can also strengthen your bond with them.
How did things turn out when my friend confronted me many years ago?
We became even better friends … lifelong friends … and we enjoyed a three-hour lunch yesterday!
What additional ideas do you have for confronting people?
_____
Happy 2012 to all of my readers! I’m nine views short of 11,000, so thank you for reading. I never dreamed I’d have that many. Some blogs receive thousands of views every day, and that would be nice … but I’m content with anyone who is helped by my articles.
If you want to suggest a topic, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org
Meet you here next year!
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