Our family bought a house last spring, and one of its many wonderful features is a three-car garage.
About one-third of the garage is filled with file boxes containing my books, sermons, teaching lessons, and other assorted items from 36 years in church ministry.
I’ve been trying to create more space in the garage by tossing as many of those files as I can, but one kind of file in particular has been sending me into mini-depressions.
Those files contain written documentation of conflicts that I’ve experienced over the course of my ministry life.
If I could blame all those conflicts on others, I would.
But in some cases, I didn’t handle matters as well as I could have … and it pains me to think about that, even for a second.
Whenever a church has a major conflict, there are often unreasonable, obstinate, irrational leaders and lay people involved.
But pastors and church leaders can do a much better job of teaching and modeling what God’s Word says about how to handle our differences as well.
Let me share three mistakes that pastors and church leaders often make that can help create church conflict:
The first mistake is that the pastor fails to teach on biblical conflict resolution often enough.
It’s the pastor’s job to teach his congregation, “This is how we handle conflict in our church family.”
Many pastors are afraid to do this, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why.
I once knew a pastor who found it relatively easy to confront people one-on-one about the sins in their lives.
That was always hard for me to do.
But he found it difficult to confront people’s sins from the pulpit … something that came naturally for me.
So I realize we’re all different, but I believe that a pastor has to plan at least one Sunday every year where he reminds the congregation, “This is how we deal with our differences around here.”
Some pastors prefer to preach through books of the Bible, and that’s commendable, but you can preach for years and never hit the key biblical passages on conflict resolution.
It has to be done intentionally.
It might be wise for a pastor to do a series … maybe four or five weeks … on conflict in general. Touch on issues like conflict in the home … the workplace … with friends … and in the church.
Let people submit questions in writing on the conflicts they are experiencing all through the series, and then answer the best questions on the final Sunday.
Then announce, “This series has been so fruitful that I’m going to preach an annual sermon on conflict resolution from Scripture.”
My suggestion would be to schedule that sermon around the time of the annual meeting and budget presentation.
If the pastor never teaches on conflict resolution, how will people know how to act if they’re upset about something?
The second mistake is that church leaders have not devised healthy feedback mechanisms.
During my second pastorate, our church had a large wooden Suggestion Box, which I inherited from the previous administration.
If churchgoers weren’t happy with something, they could write a note and drop it in the box.
One Sunday, I held the box up during a sermon, made a negative comment about it, and then placed it inside the pulpit.
I didn’t like that box because it allowed people to write anonymous notes of complaint.
But what I failed to do was give people a healthy alternative instead.
There are many unhealthy ways that churchgoers express their negativity, but it’s up to church leaders to give them healthier ways to share their concerns.
I’ll mention three quick ones:
*Let the pastor and board conduct an all-church survey at least annually … maybe in the spring. Cut the Sunday service(s) short by ten minutes and ask people to fill out the surveys where they’re seated. Ask a handful (maybe five) open-ended questions that call for a positive response. For example:
Why do you attend our church?
What are we doing well?
Where do we need improvement?
Where would you like to see us in five years?
Then tabulate the responses and put them all on the church website. Don’t fear the negative responses … they will usually be drowned out by the positive ones. (When I did this once, under improvement, someone wrote, “Get a new pastor.”)
*Hold an informational meeting at least annually. Let the pastor/staff/board present the church’s goals and budget for the next year. Then ask people if they have any questions or concerns about the presentation. If the leaders really listen, many people will share their true feelings, but do so in a structured way.
*Designate several times a year for the pastor to take questions from the people of the church. He can do this in a large meeting … a smaller forum … or online. (Maybe try all three to see what works best.) When he does this, he needs one or two key church leaders to monitor the discussions and to support the pastor in case things go south.
The beauty of these approaches is that:
*the pastor and official leaders are being proactive, not reactive
*the leaders can stay in touch with the congregation better
*the leaders come off as being transparent
*if people complain in inappropriate ways, the leaders can ask them, “Why didn’t you speak up when we had our survey/meeting/forum?”
Over the years, I’ve discovered that people want their say far more than they want their way.
If feedback opportunities are spread throughout the church year, leaders will usually be able to head off any major disgruntlement.
But the one thing church leaders cannot do is to prohibit churchgoers from expressing their opinions and feelings. Better to channel their concerns in a structured manner than to provide zero feedback mechanisms.
I know a church where the pastor did one of the most reprehensible things I’ve ever heard. (I have the documentation.) But whenever churchgoers went to church leaders and expressed their concerns, they were told, “If that’s your attitude, you can leave the church.”
If the leaders want people to attend, serve, and give, the very least they can do is listen to them if they want to express a concern.
The third mistake is that church leaders forget to remind churchgoers of the biblical principles for conflict resolution and the existing feedback mechanisms.
A wise board member once told me, “Most sermons don’t contain a lot of new information. They’re just reminders.”
We all forget how to act like a Christian at times.
Maybe we’re not feeling well physically … or we’re dealing with frustration at home … or we’re afraid we’re going to lose our job … and we bring our concerns to church.
And when something makes us feel uncomfortable, we overreact emotionally and start spreading our discontent to others.
In fact, even the best Christians get upset about something at church from time-to-time.
And when that happens, they need to be reminded, “How do you think God wants you to handle your feelings right now?”
This is why I believe that every church should have some sort of written brochure that specifies “how we handle conflict around here.”
Let’s say that Joe is upset after a service because he didn’t like something the pastor said in his sermon.
So Joe goes up to Harold … a board member … and starts ripping on the pastor.
Harold should pull Joe aside … listen to him … ask some questions … and then say to Harold, “I suggest that you read this brochure on how we handle conflict in our church and then contact the pastor directly about your feelings. I have found that he is a good listener and that he really cares for every person in this church. Will you promise me you’ll do that?”
What are the chances that Harold is going to go home and either hit the phones or complain online?
He might … but he’s also been told by a church leader how to handle his concerns in a biblical and healthy manner.
And if Harold finds out that Joe isn’t handling matters wisely, he has every right to contact him and remind him what to do.
When it comes to handling conflict wisely, we all need reminders, don’t we?
_______________
The first three mistakes have to do with failures on the part of the pastor, staff, and official board.
The final four mistakes have to do with failures on the part of disgruntled congregational members.
I’ll write on that next time!
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Beating Back a Pastoral Termination
Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, Uncategorized, tagged countering a church coup attempt, forced termination of pastor, pastoral termination on November 17, 2017| Leave a Comment »
Pastor Joel could barely breathe.
The pastor of Good News Church for six years, Joel had just received a phone call from Tim, the board chairman. Tim informed Joel that a group in the church had just held a secret meeting intended to force Joel out of his position as pastor.
So many questions whizzed through Joel’s mind, among them:
*Who was in the group?
*What were they upset about?
*Why didn’t anyone share their concerns with Joel himself?
*How long had they been meeting?
*How much did the staff and board know about them?
Joel instantly became disoriented and confused. He couldn’t think clearly. He began having an anxiety attack … maybe even a full-blown panic attack.
He had been targeted before in his previous two ministries.
In his first pastorate, a group of former lay leaders organized and tried to push him out. But the board backed Joel completely, and the malcontents all left.
In his next pastorate, two staff members and three board members conspired to get rid of Joel, but their plot also failed, and they all departed together.
So Joel had been attacked before, but even though he had survived both attempts, he prayed that he would never have to go through another one.
And now this.
While Joel knew a lot intellectually about how to handle such a coup attempt, he also knew that when he was threatened, his emotions tended to overwhelm his brain, and that he quickly went into “fight or flight” mode.
He needed divine support, so he paused to ask God for wisdom and strength.
He needed human support, so he asked himself, “Which leaders do I know are 100% behind me?”
He identified three: Tim, the board chairman; Ron, the outreach pastor; and Craig, a former board chairman.
Joel contacted each person and asked if they could meet that night at a restaurant four miles outside town. All three agreed.
When everyone arrived, Joel asked Tim to tell the others about his phone call. Then Joel … thinking a bit more clearly … asked the following questions which he had written on a napkin:
*Tim, who told you about the plot?
*Why do you think they told you?
*Who do we know that opposes my ministry?
*What are their charges?
*What do you think their strategy is?
*Which staff members or board members might be with them?
After some discussion, Joel told his three supporters, “Based on my experience and research, I want to share with you how we can beat back this opposition and preserve congregational unity … provided that no staff members or board members are in on the plot.”
Pastor Joel told the leaders:
First, realize that nearly every plot against an innocent pastor is fueled by hatred.
Joel shared:
“Clear away the smoke, and you’ll find an individual who has contempt for his pastor. This individual – sometimes in concert with his spouse – has made a unilateral decision: the pastor must go.”
Joel then stated:
“If we can discover ‘the hater,’ we will have a better idea of discerning what’s happening.”
Joel went on:
“The hater is almost always the ringleader of the opposition. The pastor hasn’t recognized his brilliance … hasn’t paid him sufficient attention … hasn’t taken his ideas for the church seriously … hasn’t let his buddies be in charge … and hasn’t kept the church the way it was when I came in 2011 … so I must leave.”
Joel then said:
“When the hater is identified, his name probably won’t be a surprise to any of us. But others may say, ‘He really loves this church. He’s a fine man. He is so misunderstood. He’s just uncomfortable with all the changes. Cut him some slack.'”
Joel then shared:
“But once a plot is uncovered, there are only three possible outcomes:
*The hater repents of his rebellious behavior.
*The hater leaves the church.
*The pastor leaves.
Sadly, by this stage, haters almost never repent.”
Joel and his three supporters need to realize that the probable outcome of this conflict is that either Joel will leave … sending the church into turmoil … or the hater and a few of his minions will leave instead … the optimal option for the church’s mission at this point.
Second, the hater will hold secret meetings and invite disgruntled churchgoers to pool their grievances against the pastor.
Joel told his three supporters:
“The hater has already determined my fate: he wants me gone. But if he goes after me alone, he knows he won’t succeed. He’ll be outnumbered. He needs allies … as many as possible … so he calls a meeting … shares a few of his complaints … and then solicits complaints about the pastor from others … the more, the better.”
Someone will be asked to record the complaints.
If the pastor has committed a major offense (heresy, sexual immorality, or criminal behavior) … and it can be documented … anyone who attends the secret meeting can take their evidence to the church board, and the pastor most likely will be dismissed.
But secret meetings aren’t intended to come up with serious charges, but many charges … any one of which are trivial and petty.
Pastor Joel told the men:
“This is what happened to me in my second pastorate. A group of 15 people came up with a list of 22 offenses I had supposedly committed. The list was then distributed via email all over the church as if to say, ‘Anyone so flawed should never be our pastor.'”
Pastor Joel went on:
“I was accused of not dressing appropriately for a church event … driving a car that’s too expensive … counseling women alone (even though there’s a window on my study door) … changing the worship order too often … letting my wife miss a Sunday when she was sick … and so on. They were all that trivial … and many of my accusers were guilty of the very same things!”
Joel added:
“The problem with soliciting grievances is that everybody has a different set of complaints. I might feel passionate about two complaints of my own, but I don’t feel as strongly about the complaints of others in the group.”
Joel went on:
“We need to find out who attended the secret meeting, and then send a message to the hater and his minions: ‘Select two people to present your complaints. The board will select two leaders to hear those complaints. That’s fair … a two-on-two meeting.'”
Joel then asked Tim:
“Has any list been distributed to the church yet?” Tim said, “Not as far as I know.” Joel replied, “Good. Let’s put together this meeting before any list goes out.”
Third, the pastor’s opponents will assume that the sheer quantity of charges against him will be enough for him to be terminated.
Some charges might be incident-based: “We saw the pastor do this after a service … we heard his wife say this after a small group meeting … we know that the pastor’s son was sent to the principal’s office at school.”
Other charges will be pattern-based: “The pastor is too intellectual when he speaks … he never takes my phone calls … he doesn’t show up for workdays … he strikes me as being depressed.”
Joel shared:
“Once again, if my opponents can produce even one impeachable offense, they won’t need to create a list of offenses. The list is their confession that they really don’t have anything substantive to use against me. We could create such a list against anyone in this church. Remember that.”
Joel then said:
“Most charges will be exaggerated to some extent. Listen for the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’ And listen for complaints to be overstated: ‘When the pastor made that decision, fifty people left the church.'”
Joel then told his supporters:
“When two leaders meet with two others from the faction, ask them how many offenses they’ve recorded. Then ask them to read each one … and you answer each one before they read the next one. Do not let them read the whole list because you can’t answer the whole list at once!”
Joel continued:
“As you answer each complaint, they will begin to lose heart. They may not even finish the list. When their complaints have been exhausted, ask them what they expect to do next. They will probably say, ‘We need to report to our group.'”
Joel advised:
“Ask them at that point, ‘Who is in your group? Who is leading your group?’ They probably won’t share any information with you, but they’ll know you’re onto them. By answering their charges, you will have exposed their plot … and their hearts.”
Joel then shared an insight from family systems theory:
“I have learned that when you can ‘peel off’ one or two of a pastor’s antagonists, the whole plot usually unravels. Suddenly all the fun is taken out of attacking the pastor.”
Joel then shared one more step:
Finally, tell the group in writing what you expect from the pastor’s opponents … including them.
Joel explained:
“Tell them that we have a simple process for handling complaints at our church. If you believe the pastor has wronged you personally, then set up a meeting with him and share your concern directly. If you want, one of us can meet with you as an impartial witness.”
Joel then added:
“If you are upset about church policy, you are free to speak with anyone on the board because the board sets policy. We will either ask you to make your complaint in writing or ask you to attend the next board meeting personally. After we have heard your complaint, we will discuss it and make a decision, and ask you to abide by it.”
Joel then said:
“Ask them, ‘Do you understand our process? Will you abide by it?’ Assuming they agree, then hold them to it.”
Joel then added:
“Then tell them, ‘We believe that our policy for handling complaints is consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15-17 and Paul’s words in 1 Timothy 5:19-21. We believe the Bible teaches that conflict should be handled above-ground (in the light, not in darkness) and that those who are accused of sin should be able to face their accusers.'”
Joel then said:
“It’s my belief that if you handle matters this way, the two individuals will either leave the church immediately (the more likely scenario) and take others with them, or they will slink away and lose their appetite for getting rid of their pastor. And if they bow out of the ‘get the pastor campaign,’ others will probably follow suit.”
After some discussion, Joel concluded:
“If we as leaders take control of the process for resolving these differences, then we will likely take control of the results as well.”
What do you think about Joel’s strategy for beating back his opposition?
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