I recently met a woman who told me why she will never serve in a church again.
While a new believer, she became the office manager for a prestigious megachurch. She served in that position for seven years.
The pastor governed the church without any kind of board or advisory group … an acceptable practice within that church’s wider Christian movement.
After she eventually left her position – she said she “knew too much” – she was asked to go back and comb through seven years of financial records.
When she did so, she found that the pastor had used church funds to do work on his house, among other things.
But then the coup de grace came when the pastor had an affair … divorced his wife … and married his lover.
The pastor left his position, but several years later, was placed in another church by the leader of that wider Christian movement.
That was it for her.
She told me that she attends a church with her husband, but that they will not serve as volunteers or in any other fashion.
I asked her, “So you just sit on the back row and leave after the service?”
“Yes,” she said.
This woman was thoughtful, intelligent, and interesting, with a great personality.
But she also has her limits for witnessing and tolerating bad behavior … as is true for most of us.
_______________
Christian leaders are fond of proclaiming that Jesus wants His Church to fulfill His Great Commission … to “make disciples of all nations” … and making disciples initially involves bringing people to faith in Christ.
So Christians share Christ through mass crusades … rock concerts … youth camps … men and women’s retreats … movies and literature … and numerous other methodologies.
But we devote little to no personnel, time, energy, or resources to believers who are the victims of Christian misbehavior.
Our country is littered with tens of thousands of Christians who feel so wounded and violated by the sins of Christian leaders (pastors, staffers, board members and other leaders) that they either don’t go to church or, if they do, they sit on the back row.
And when they hear the pastor say, “We need volunteers for Vacation Bible School next week,” or “We ask you to give so our mission team can go to Russia,” they immediately exempt themselves from any involvement.
These people are believers in Jesus Christ … they have just stopped believing in the local church.
After they have seen and heard “enough,” they pull back on church participation. They become isolated … sometimes from other Christians, mostly from local churches.
And they don’t identify themselves inside the Christian community. They just keep quiet.
I encouraged the woman I mentioned above to tell me her story. She was hesitant to do so. Like most believers, she didn’t want to cause any trouble.
_______________
Thirty years ago, I read an article in Leadership Journal written by John Savage. Based on his research, Savage claimed that whenever a churchgoer stopped attending their home church for six to eight weeks, they would reinvest their lives in other pursuits and quit church altogether because they concluded that nobody at the church cared enough to notice they were missing.
Savage believed that congregations need systems to track their attendees and that they should be contacted by someone from their church well before that six-week period.
For instance, in our last ministry, once a regular attender was missing for two Sundays, someone contacted them the very next week and said, “We’ve missed seeing you. Is everything okay? How can we help?”
Savage said that once someone stops attending for eight weeks, there is only one way to get them to return.
He said a loving, well-trained person/couple need to set up an appointment with the lapsed attender(s) … and the meeting needs to take place in the attender’s home.
Savage said that the people from church should only stay one hour … and that they should spend at least fifty minutes of that hour listening rather than talking.
Savage said it takes five or six similar meetings before the lapsed churchgoer(s) shares the real reasons why they aren’t attending church … and only then is there hope they might return.
Assuming that Savage’s research was accurate, there are obvious downsides to his approach.
To reclaim lapsed attenders, a church would need to:
*make such a ministry a priority
*identify people who could do it well
*get them to buy into Savage’s approach
*train these people to listen attentively to the hurts of lapsed attendees
*expect little return from such a ministry
That’s why it’s far better for a church to set up a ministry to identify and contact missing churchgoers within two weeks than to wait two months.
And the pastor can’t engage in such a ministry personally because many of the complaints center around him … and most churchgoers will never share that information in his presence.
_______________
How can we minister to people who have been deeply wounded by Christian leaders?
Let me offer four suggestions:
First, stop blaming them for the way they feel.
If you’ve been hurt by a Christian leader, you may feel anger … disappointment … hurt … and fear.
Those feelings are all legitimate.
When most Christians are violated in some way by a leader, they can’t reconcile that leader’s behavior with the gospel or New Testament Christianity.
Especially since most of the time, sinning leaders don’t repent and ask forgiveness from their victims.
The closer a Christian was to that leader, the more deeply they feel the pain.
When a pastor commits a major offense, he creates unknown collateral damage … so we shouldn’t blame the victims.
I’ve heard pastors criticize these Christian victims from the pulpit. It doesn’t work.
Instead:
Second, we have to understand where they’re coming from.
I once knew a pastor who was trying to convince the people in his congregation to serve as volunteers.
He proudly told me what he told them: “If you aren’t serving in this church, you’re out of the will of God.”
That statement was not only insensitive … it was just plain dumb … and designed to drive people away from service rather than move them toward it.
Is is possible that some people in that church had tried to serve in another church and had a terrible experience?
Yes.
Then why condemn them because they didn’t want to feel the same kind of pain again?
It would be better for someone in that church to set up meetings and listen to people’s stories than to tar them all as being “out of the will of God.”
In fact, if I’d been wounded by a leader, the only way I’d even consider participation in a church again is if I could tell my story to a safe Christian.
Where are such safe Christians today?
Third, most Christians will only tolerate so much sin in their leaders.
Most people know who actress Patricia Heaton is. She is a Roman Catholic Christian who stands strongly against abortion and often quotes Scripture on her Twitter account.
Yesterday she tweeted about a priest who has been found guilty of raping young boys. She wrote: “The church will continue to decline and lose people like me if they keep tolerating this abomination.”
The woman I wrote about at the beginning of this article was most upset that her former pastor was given another church by his superior. She felt that his behavior was so horrendous that he should never pastor again.
Since I don’t know the details, I can’t comment on that pastor’s reassignment.
But that reassignment came with a price … one that most people would never hear about: the alienation of a good woman and her husband from Christian service.
I know many pastors who have been married for decades and have always been faithful to their wives … yet because they were forced to resign from their churches, no church will even consider them as a pastoral candidate.
But if a church has a pastoral opening, shouldn’t those pastors be considered before someone guilty of sexual immorality?
Finally, we need to speak openly about wounded Christians because their ranks are growing.
Many years ago, when I was still a pastor, I had a conversation with a Christian couple I’ve known for decades.
When I asked them about their current church commitment, they told me they weren’t going to church anymore.
They told me a story about how they went to their pastor, and tried talking to him about a family issue, and how insensitive the pastor was toward them.
Instead of trying to understand, I got on them a bit, telling them, “But all pastors and churches aren’t like that.”
What I failed to understand was that the experience was so painful that they couldn’t go through it again … so their best solution was just to stay away from church altogether.
Right now, I know many Christians who used to attend church regularly and serve enthusiastically. But now they aren’t going to church at all, go only sporadically, or warm a pew and then zip right home.
Sometimes they have good reasons for their non-participation. Other times, their reasons don’t seem very compelling.
But there are thousands and thousands of good, solid believers who could be reclaimed, restored, and renewed if only someone in Christ’s church would devise a ministry for them.
Any ideas?
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
“My Pastor is a Dictator!”
Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged confronting a pastor, firing a pastor, pastoral termination, pastors who are dictators on July 27, 2018| 6 Comments »
One of the most common complaints that church leaders have about their pastor is this one:
“He acts like a dictator.”
This complaint usually states that the pastor:
*spends money without authorization
*makes major decisions unilaterally
*withholds valuable information from key leaders
*verbally abuses staff members
*threatens people who try to confront him
*doesn’t listen to people’s concerns or complaints
*becomes angry easily
All too many pastors want to run the church their way … and they will take down anyone who tries to oppose them.
The difference between leaders and dictators:
*Leadership requires collaboration. A pastor who is a good leader has to make presentations for various projects to the church board, staff, and other key leaders to seek their approval.
But a pastor who is a dictator bypasses that collaboration and makes major decisions unilaterally … and then expects key leaders to support him fully.
*Leadership requires ownership. In my last church, we built a new worship center, a project that eventually cost about two million dollars. The building team worked on the plans. The church board handled the financing. The staff gave their input at every turn. We asked the architect to stand before our congregation and present his plans … allowed people to ask questions … and then held a meeting where people shared their input. We later listed every word people said on the church website which let everyone know we took congregational input seriously.
We needed broad ownership in decision making so that we could have broad ownership when we asked people to give toward the building.
But a pastor-dictator will bypass as many of those steps as possible. He and a few of his buddies inside the church will do most of the work … and then expect people to buy in with their finances … and things usually won’t go very well.
*Leadership requires patience. I once heard a prominent pastor say that it takes four years to make a major change in a church. A good leader will devise a process where he charts a clear course … people’s complaints are heard … their objections are answered … and change is not rushed.
But a pastor-dictator is always in a hurry. He doesn’t want to give the complainers any kind of forum because they might waylay his plans. He doesn’t want to devote any time to answering objections because he’s thought things through and that should be good enough for everyone else. The dictator thinks it’s his church far more than it’s the people’s church.
*Leadership requires love. I once knew a pastor who took a ministry class in seminary. The professor told his students you have to “love the sheep” and then “lead the sheep.” My friend approached the professor after class and said, “That was really great … you have to lead the sheep then love the sheep.” The professor said, “No, you have to love the sheep and then lead the sheep.” Big difference!
The pastor who is a true leader loves his people and then leads them. He motivates them by recommending ministries that are in their best interests.
But the dictator doesn’t even lead his people. He manipulates the congregation into doing what are in his own best interests. He bulldozes them … threatens them … and sends out the signals, “I alone know what is good for this church.”
To quote Paul Simon, such an attitude “sure don’t feel like love.”
*Leadership requires humility. The leader’s attitude is, “I believe this is the direction God wants us to go as a church. I’ll need your help along the way.”
But the dictator equates his own wishes, words, and plans with the will of God … and to question him is to doubt the Lord Himself.
If you’ve read my words …
What can you do about a pastor who is a dictator?
First, realize that most pastors who have adopted a dictatorial leadership style are rarely going to change.
Such pastors have enjoyed at least some success with their style which is why they keep using it. But whether it’s a personality flaw, or a narcissistic bent, or a defense mechanism, most dictators never change.
You can plead with them to become more collaborative … threaten to leave the church … or send them for counseling … but it won’t do any good.
I have never known a dictatorial pastor to alter his modus operandi. Have you?
Now if a pastor has exercised a collaborative style, and temporarily becomes dictatorial, that’s different. Sometimes a pastor senses that unless he pushes a project hard, nothing’s going to happen. I had to do that at times, but if people called me on it, I backed off and tried to reset matters.
In this article, I’m talking about pastors who have demonstrated unilateral dominance from Day One.
Second, realize that dictators will keep going until someone tries to stop them.
Once a dictator has momentum, that person will continue to use their domineering style because they’re getting results.
And if nobody ever calls them on their tactics, they’ll just keep using them.
The only way to stop a dictator is to stage some kind of an intervention. Let them know that what they are doing is counterproductive to the leadership and the congregation.
Much of the time, church leaders will tell me, “He’s a dictator, but boy, is he a great Bible teacher! He really knows the Word! Our people love his teaching!”
But sometimes, good teachers make lousy leaders. Many Bible teachers would rather spend all their time researching, writing, and delivering messages than doing anything to improve their leadership skills.
If so, let the pastor teach … and get someone else on board to lead the church.
Third, realize that dictators sow the seeds of their own destruction.
Once you’ve woken up to the fact that your pastor is a dictator, know that a Day of Reckoning is bound to occur … and maybe soon. Godly, gifted, intelligent people rebel inwardly against dictator-pastors … and if they conclude that things won’t change, they’ll quietly head for the exits.
Here is what will happen:
*your best leaders will leave the church first
*key ministries will be curtailed due to a lack of volunteers
*staff members will be laid off due to lack of funds
*those remaining will be the passive takers, not the active givers
*the dictator-pastor will then jump ship as soon as he can
This may not sound kind, but it’s better to take out the dictator before the death spiral occurs than to do nothing and watch your church slowly die.
Finally, the only way to deal with a dictator is to defeat them.
That means you’re going to have to fight them for control of the church.
And if you do engage them, I guarantee it’s going to get nasty … and bloody … and people are going to get hurt … including you and your family.
For this reason, if you’re in a church with a dictator as pastor, it’s preferable that you and your family quietly look for another church.
But if you’re determined to stay, you’re going to have to deal with your pastor … and there are ways to do this that are consistent with Scripture and the Christian faith.
If I was a board member, and I felt that the pastor had to go to save the church, I’d take the following steps:
*Call a special meeting of the official board away from the church campus.
*Express your concern about the way the pastor has been operating. Share real-life examples.
*Go around the room and let each board member share how they feel about the pastor. If the pastor has strong support, and you can’t convince them of your position, mentally make plans to leave the church. YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH A DICTATORIAL PASTOR UNLESS YOU HAVE FULL BOARD SUPPORT. If you do have full board support, then:
*Take time to pray and read Scripture together. Ask God for His guidance … and for courage. Confronting a dictatorial pastor will be among the hardest things you will ever do.
*Consult your church’s governing documents. Hopefully there’s a section that lays out how to hire and fire a pastor. If not, obtain the governing documents from three other churches that are governed like yours and summarize their process in a few steps. Then write out what you believe are the best practices for terminating a pastor and adopt them as a board.
*Do not make a laundry list of all the pastor’s shortcomings. That’s destructive. Instead, focus on the one or two areas that concern you the most … no more than two. (People can’t change in multiple areas of their lives.) Come up with several examples under each area of concern. You’re going to share these concerns with the pastor.
For example: “Pastor, whenever we ask you to give a report of your activities at the monthly board meeting, you just say, ‘Everything’s fine.’ But we need much more information than that! We’d like you to bring a one or two page written report to every board meeting so we know specifically what you are doing.”
That’s a reasonable request. (I brought a written report for years to every board meeting.) But the dictator usually resists such accountability.
*Prayerfully ask two people to meet with the pastor to express the board’s concerns. If possible, the chairman should be one of those people. (Otherwise, the pastor will wonder, “Does the chairman know about and agree with this confrontation?”)
*Ask the pastor to meet the two board members at a neutral location, like a restaurant, rather than in the pastor’s study or someone’s home. While you want privacy, it’s harder to make a scene in public.
*Give the pastor a choice. Tell him, “We love you and we’re happy for you to remain our pastor, but we need to see the following changes in your life and ministry or else we will take further action.” Then share with him how you want him to behave in the future. If he becomes angry, wait until he calms down. If he storms off, you’ll have to meet with him again. Tell him that if he leaves the meeting and contacts his supporters, you will recommend to the board that he be dismissed immediately.
*The pastor has four options at this point:
First, he can act like you’ve never met and continue operating as usual.
Second, he can contact his supporters, tell them about the meeting, and thereby institute an all-our war within your congregation. YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS POSSIBILITY.
Third, he can agree to make the changes you’ve suggested … in which case the board has the right to monitor his progress.
Finally, he may outwardly comply with the board’s wishes while starting to search for a new job.
I can’t give you a flow chart for what might happen under each option, but these kinds of situations can become unpredictable fast!
Let me share with you the single best way of dealing with a dictator-pastor.
Don’t hire one in the first place.
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