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Authentic Praying … and Singing

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, tagged , , , on May 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

I’m slowly reading through the Psalms in Eugene Peterson’s biblical paraphrase The Message, and I’ve been increasingly blessed by what I’ve been reading.

This morning, I read Psalm 77, where Asaph speaks in the first 6 verses:

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,

I yell at the top of my lungs.  He listens.

I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;

my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.

When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”

I didn’t believe a word they said.

I remember God – and shake my head.

I bow my head – then wring my hands.

I’m awake all night – not a wink of sleep;

I can’t even say what’s bothering me.

I go over the days one by one,

I ponder the years gone by.

I strum my lute all through the night,

wondering how to get my life together.

Do these words from Asaph resonate with you?

Asaph is comfortable enough in God’s presence to “yell at the top of my lungs.”  The psalmist doesn’t contort himself into adopting a sanctimonious tone.  He just tells God how he feels … and in this case, loudly.

He also states that “my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.”

I don’t know what Asaph was going through, but it was like an arrow pierced his heart.  He bled out a bit … but his wound refused to get better.

I know so many Christians – even people I admire – who have wounds that won’t heal: tortured memories … incessant regrets … bodily frailties … psychological plagues … emotional scars.

In Asaph’s case, his wound wasn’t private – it was public.  Everyone who knew Asaph knew about his wound.

When Asaph’s well-meaning friends tried to encourage him, Asaph couldn’t adopt their viewpoint.  Only he knew his pain.

And when he thought of God, Asaph could only shake his head and wring his hands.

Even though Asaph had petitioned God for relief, the Lord remained silent and inactive.

One of the worst nights of my life happened when I was a sophomore in high school.  My insect collection was due the following day, but I didn’t have it done.  I stayed up all night wondering what I was going to do.

I hated biology.

In my case, I knew why I was up all night.  In Asaph’s case, he couldn’t even say what was troubling him.

He reviewed his life – looking for clues as to why he was so miserable – but he received no answers.

So he turned to music.  In his case, he played the lute.

In my case, I play my iPod … sometimes listening to hymns all night.

But I love the last line of this text, where Asaph admits that he’s “wondering how to get my life together.”

Let me make three quick observations about this text:

First, God loves it when His people are honest.

If God didn’t like honesty, He would have made sure that Asaph’s little song was never published in Scripture.

But Asaph isn’t the only honest psalmist.  What about King David in Psalm 31?

Be kind to me, God –

I’m in deep, deep trouble again.

I’ve cried my eyes out;

I feel hollow inside.

My life leaks away, groan by groan;

my years fade out in sighs.

My troubles have worn me out,

turned my bones to powder.

To my enemies I’m a monster,

I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.

My friends are horrified;

they cross the street to avoid me.

They want to blot me from memory,

forget me like a corpse in the grave,

discard me like a broken dish in the trash.

The street-talk gossip has me

“criminally insane”!

Behind locked doors they plot

how to ruin me for good.

There’s no attempt on David’s part to be super-spiritual, or self-righteous … he just tells God, “I’m hollow, worn out, forsaken, ridiculed – and some people want to destroy me.”

How do these two prayers – and there are scores of sections like these in the Psalms – match up with your prayers as far as honesty?

Second, honesty draws us closer to God.

I grew weary of rote prayers as a kid.  My family had a 12-word rote prayer that we sometimes uttered around the dinner table:

“Thank you Father for this food in Jesus’ name we pray Amen.”

Memorized and careless statements aren’t going to draw us any closer to God.  Instead, He wants to know how we really feel.

Twelve days after our first date, I took Kim for a drive to the beach.  That night, we both shared things with each other that we had never shared with anyone else.

Up until that night, I had always tried to impress girls with my cleverness, or humor, or sports ability.

But Kim wasn’t impressed by those things … so I dropped the pretense and felt safe enough to share who I really was with her.

The honesty we started to display that night has bound us together for nearly 40 years.

God wants us to act in the same way toward Him.  The more honest we are with Him, the closer we’ll feel to Him.

And that often starts with being more candid and expressive with God in our prayers.

Finally, honesty attracts others to our faith.

Although Asaph laments his life in Psalm 77, he still refers to “my God” and “my Lord.”

He still held onto his relationship with God even though his life felt like crap.

There are millions of people in our culture who have rejected the Christian faith and do all they can to avoid church.

I have often wondered if what we’re missing in our worship is the authenticity found in the Psalms.

If you know me at all, you know how much I love music.

And the more honest the song, the better I like it, which is why I love songwriters like Dylan, Van Morrison, Johnny Cash, Neil Young, and Bono.  (Ever listened to the lyrics to U2’s “Acrobat?”  That’s a whole blog right there.)

But most of the Christian music that I own isn’t very honest.  I get the impression that the songwriter is writing what he or she feels they’re supposed to write rather than what they’d like to write … if their record company would let them.

Since the Psalms were the hymnbook of Israel, can you imagine singing the words of Psalm 77 or Psalm 31 in a worship service as Israel did?

In most churches, I look around and notice less than half the people singing.

Could it be that the words don’t reflect the way they feel inside?

I realize that in many of the Psalms, the songwriter may view life negatively at the beginning of the psalm and later view life – and God – more positively later in the psalm.

But I usually don’t see this pattern reflected in worship lyrics.

Maybe if our music was more authentic, we’d feel closer to God … and attract more people.

Because while people want answers to their questions about life, they want something else even more:

They just want someone to listen to them.

And God loves to listen to authentic praying and singing.

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Viewing Your Family … and Church … as a System

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , , on April 10, 2013| 5 Comments »

When I was ten years old, my friend Steve invited me to spend a Friday night at his house.  It was an experience I’ve never forgotten.

We flipped baseball cards … slept in the living room in separate sleeping bags … and ate toast with an egg in the middle for breakfast.

I had never flipped cards before … slept somewhere in total darkness … or had anything other than pancakes for breakfast on a Saturday.

For the first time I could recall, I realized that the way someone’s family did things was vastly different than mine.

Families not only have systems … families are systems … and family systems theory teaches that every group or organization operates like a family.

Let me make several observations about family systems:

First, the way our family of origin operated seems normal to us.

I grew up without color TV.  To me, watching a black-and-white television was normal.

But when I watched television at someone else’s house, they invariably did have a color set.

In fact, it’s only when we visit the homes of friends that we discover that everyone is not like us … but it’s not easy to shake family culture.

Remember the old TV show The Munsters?  Whenever Marilyn Munster brought home a guy to meet her family, he’d scream and run away.

The Munsters assumed that they were normal and that Marilyn’s boyfriend was the weird one.

And yet to those outside the family … including TV viewers … Marilyn was the only normal member of the family.  It was the rest of the Munsters who were weird.

This same dynamic happens in our churches as well.

After a while, we become so accustomed to the way things are done that we just accept things rather than try and change things.

My wife and I recently visited a church where the music was really bad.  It was obvious to us … but not to church leaders.

They accepted it because it had gone on for so long that it became normal … and yet the music was killing their attendance.

What they needed was for someone from the outside to help them see the problem … if they had the courage to solicit help.  However:

Second, families search for scapegoats when things go wrong.

My wife and I once lived in a place that shared a wall with a family.  We got along fine with them, but on occasion, we could hear blood-curdling screams coming through the wall.

The screams came from a female teenager who had seemed to have some serious life issues that disrupted her family’s tranquility.

Several times, this girl’s parents sent her away for various forms of rehabilitation.  Each time, she thrived in her new surroundings, and was deemed well enough to return home.

But each time she came back, she slipped into her former behavior.

The simplest way to deal with this situation was for the other family members to blame the girl entirely for the way she was disrupting their family.  After all, the screaming stopped when she wasn’t around.

In fact, this is the way that many families handle matters when one family member’s behavior seems intractable: the others blame every family issue on the one who’s acting out.

In our quick-fix culture, organizations … which all operate like families … have a tendency to blame problems on just one person.

*If a sports team isn’t winning, the general manager fires the coach … but some teams fire coach after coach and never improve.

*If a company’s profits are down, the board cans the CEO … but sometimes the entire organization is 20 years behind the curve.

*If donations are down, some churches remove the pastor … only to find giving continuing to slide under the next pastor.

Sometimes in our anxiety, even Christians forget that Jesus was crucified, not because He had done anything wrong … but because the system of His day demanded a scapegoat.  And yet:

Finally, it’s far more productive to treat the whole family system when things get unhealthy.

When the girl in the above story was away from her family, she did well … but when she was with her family, she regressed.

Most likely, the problems in that family weren’t due entirely to her … they were due to her family system.

So instead of sending just her to counseling, the entire family needed to go … but first, they needed to become convinced that they were part of the problem … and pride makes that a tough sell.

In the language of family systems theory, this girl had become the identified patient, or the family scapegoat.

By blaming her for the family’s problems, the others didn’t have to think about making changes in the family system … or in their own lives.

Many churches do the same thing.  They hire a pastor … and then fire him.  They hire another … and soon afterward let him go … time after time.

Most pastors can readily tell that a church suffers from a serious pathology.  But every time he attempts to point out problems and resolve issues, he becomes a threat to the current system … so he has to go.

The church at Corinth was like that … as was the church in Galatia.

So when Paul wrote his letters to those churches, he didn’t address the pastor or lay leaders … he intended that his epistles be read to the entire congregation.

Let me be blunt: there are many churches in this world where the problem isn’t the pastor … it’s several individuals or a group that doesn’t want the church to change.

Because as long as the church maintains the status quo, they maintain their level of power.

But if the church did change, these powerbrokers would be forced to reflect on their own lives, confess their sins, and get right with God … and quit blaming all their church’s problems on their pastor.

When Israel continually rebelled against Moses in the wilderness, the people demanded new leadership on multiple occasions.

But God didn’t immediately fire Moses and replace him with Joshua.

No, God stuck with Moses.  In fact, it wasn’t Moses whose heart needed to change … it was the heart of the people.  God had to kill off an entire generation before he could let Israel into the Promised Land.

Let me summarize this post by posing three sets of questions:

*How healthy is your family of origin?  Your church?

*How often do people at home or at church blame others for problems rather than look at themselves?

*What might be the best way to help your family or your congregation become healthier?

 

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Should Pastors Know What Leaders Give?

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, tagged , , , on March 22, 2013| 2 Comments »

I was a pastor for 36 years.  During that time, I never wanted to know how much churchgoers gave to the church.

Why not?

Because I didn’t want the amount people gave to influence the way I served them.

If someone who was poor went to the hospital, I didn’t want to think, “They don’t give much to the church, so I won’t see them.”

There’s a difference of opinion on this matter among pastors.

I’ve read that about half of all pastors know how much people from their church give.  The pastor enters his office on Monday morning and reviews computer records stating who gave how much at the previous weekend’s services.

Pastors who access this information argue that it’s tremendously helpful.  For example, if a family has stopped giving, maybe they’re having job or financial issues, and the pastor can reach out to them.

More ominously, a family that stops giving may be angry with the pastor or the church and may be hoping to (a) influence church policy, or even (b) eventually get rid of the pastor.  Withholding giving may be an early warning sign of trouble.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to know what everybody is giving.

But a pastor absolutely needs to know about the giving patterns of key church leaders … especially members of the staff and board … and preferably before they become church leaders.

Years ago, a district minister told me that when he was a pastor, and he was considering someone as a board member, he first checked with the financial secretary to discover that person’s giving pattern.

If the person was a generous giver (what looked like a tithe), he’d be considered for the governing board.  If he wasn’t a generous giver, his name would be dropped from consideration.

From what I understand, this is standard practice among growing, impactful churches.

Why is this important?

First, church leaders are required to set an example for the rest of the church.

If they’re giving generously, they’ll communicate that to their social network … and challenge their friends to follow their giving example.

But if they aren’t giving generously – or at all – they will also communicate their non-giving in subtle ways.

I heard Bill Hybels speak on giving several times, and during his message, he invited his listeners at Willow Creek to look at his checkbook after the service to see if he was practicing what he was preaching.

Following his example, I issued the same challenge whenever I preached on giving.

Wouldn’t it be great if the pastoral staff and governing board of your church did the same thing?  At the end of a service on giving one Sunday, the pastor and leadership team could all stand at the front of the worship center with their checkbooks open, as if to tell the people of their church, “As your leaders, you can follow our example of generosity.”

After all, doesn’t 1 Peter 5:2-4 state that spiritual leaders should not be “greedy for money” but “examples to the flock?”

And how can leaders let people know they’re generous givers unless the leaders tell them?

Second, church leaders need to invest in advancing Christ’s kingdom locally.

When a leader gives abundantly to his church, he’s saying, “I believe in what we’re doing and where we’re going.  I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is.”  By investing his money, he’s investing himself.

But when a leader isn’t giving, he’s implicitly communicating, “I’m not behind our pastor or our vision.”  In that sense, withholding giving can become a subversive action.

And yet, in staff and board meetings, whenever the topic of money comes up, the other leaders assume that every leader present supports the ministry financially … but nobody is going to confess that they don’t.

Jesus put it clearly in the Sermon on the Mount: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21).

If your treasure is all at home, that’s where your heart will be.  If some of your treasure is at church, your heart will follow.

By the way, many people assume that a pastor listens attentively to the desires of the large givers in a church, while ignoring the pleas of sparse givers.  But some wealthy believers are up to their neck in debt and give little to their church, while some relatively poor people faithfully give a tithe.

In fact, I cannot ever remember a time when someone in a church threatened to my face to give or not give funds.

Third, church leaders are the ones making financial decisions for the rest of the church.

Generous givers know from personal experience that when they give to God, He is likely to replenish those funds.  They’ll treat church funds the same way.

Stingy givers are making a silent confession that they don’t trust God in their personal life … and that lack of trust will eventually manifest itself when money is discussed at church meetings.

Pastors don’t want non-givers making decisions about church budgets involving hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Non-giving leaders will usually want to curtail spending because they assume everyone is like them.  They say through their attitudes, “Money is god.  If we don’t have the money, let’s not spend anything.”

But generous leaders are more likely to say, “The Lord is our God.  Money is not god … it’s just a tool.  If God is telling us to do something, let’s step out in faith and do it, trusting Him to take care of our church.”

The phrase on our coinage says, “In God we trust.”  But I’ve met my share of church leaders who trust gold far more than God.

Because most Christians rarely discuss their finances or giving with others, some believers like to quote Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:3-4: “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret.  Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Jesus says, “Don’t call attention to your giving or brag about it.”  But Jesus never says we can’t discuss it with our family or friends or fellow believers!

In fact, Jesus did discuss other people’s giving with His disciples.  Mark 12:41 says:  “Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury.  Many rich people threw in large amounts.”

Then Jesus noticed a widow who deposited two small copper coins … and called over His disciples to discuss her generosity.

Jesus noticed and discussed how much other people gave with His disciples.

And it seems to me that parents should talk about their giving with their kids … veteran believers with new believers … and current leaders with prospective ones.

Let me put it bluntly:

Church leaders who are generous givers are the ones who stand behind their church and their pastor when crises come.  They’re invested.

Church leaders who are miserly givers are the ones who bail on their church and their pastor when things go south.  They’re not invested.

I can tell you from personal experience: it’s better never to let non-givers into leadership.

And if that reduces the size of the church staff and governing board, so be it.

Because every healthy, growing church is led by generous, obedient leaders.

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The Benefits of Hiring an Older Pastor

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, tagged on March 6, 2013| 7 Comments »

If a church is seeking to hire a new pastor, how old should he be?

Based on what I’m seeing in the Christian community these days, most churches are looking to hire pastors who are 35-50 years of age.  In fact, I recently saw an ad where a church stated they preferred candidates ages 30 to 50.  (Isn’t it illegal to advertise the age you’re seeking?)

This trend is understandable.  Someone in that 20-year age span probably:

*has started a family.

*has completed his education.

*is in good health and possesses loads of energy.

*knows technology and social media.

*can reach younger families.

*understands popular culture and its language.

*intends to stay for many years.

I was ordained at age 26 and became a solo pastor at age 27.  Although my pastor felt I was ready to lead a church, I wanted to wait until I was 30.

In retrospect, I wish I’d become an associate pastor for 2-3 years before becoming a pastor.  The jump from youth pastor to pastor is quite a leap.

From ages 27-35, I got beat up … a lot.  Every other Monday, I wanted to resign.  Maybe this is why 70% of seminary grads quit the ministry 5 years after leaving school.  Church ministry is hard work … and can be soul-damaging.

But the best years of my ministry started when I was 35 … unlike most athletes, who are washed up by that age.

However, once a pastor passes 50 years of age … some would say 55 … it’s very difficult to be hired by a church.  Why?

*The pastor’s kids may have grown up and left home … and some churches want a pastor with kids.

*A pastor 50+ is probably slowing down and lacks the energy of his youth.

*An unspoken concern is that an older pastor may become chronically ill or even die due to ministry stress.  (I knew a church where the pastor had a heart attack and it took him 9 months to recover.)

*There may be concerns that an older pastor won’t be able to relate to youth or younger families.

*And the perception is that an older pastor may be set in his ways.

However, I believe that many churches could benefit from hiring older pastors … those 50 and up.  Examples:

*My mother’s church in Arizona hired a pastor who was 58.  The church has grown significantly, having just remodeled their worship center.

*A long-time friend and college classmate – who is in his late 50s – was recently hired as pastor of a church in New England.

*Another friend and seminary classmate became a pastor in his fifties … he’s almost 60 now … and the church he leads is growing like crazy.

*The pastor of the church we attended in Arizona … one of America’s best churches … is in his sixties.

*A pastor whose church I visited in Arizona leads a church for seniors … and he’s having the time of his life!

In fact, many pastors enjoy their best years after age 50.

What are the benefits of hiring an older pastor?

*He knows his God-given calling, temperament, and giftedness and so is more secure with himself.  Many younger pastors struggle for years trying to figure these things out … and some never do.

*He knows that he doesn’t have the energy to do everything … a temptation most younger pastors have … so he chooses to share the ministry with other gifted staff and leaders.

*He has a 20-30 year history of knowing what works and doesn’t work in church ministry … so he can focus on what works instead.

*He may not need to be paid as much as a younger pastor.  (He may not need as big a home, but he does need medical insurance!)

*He isn’t shocked by the misbehavior of Christians … has been through most life experiences … and has developed a compassionate heart.

*He isn’t as anxious or impatient as many younger pastors are … and these traits have a calming effect on the entire church.

Contrary to popular perception, many older pastors do use social media … and keep up with the culture well … and love all forms of music (rock included) … and are very healthy … and would be willing to make ministry commitments of 5-10 years.  In fact, I’ve been told that some churches prefer to hire an older, “bridge” pastor for 5-7 years before hiring someone younger.

Hiring a pastor … just like anyone else … all comes down to fit.

In many situations, a younger pastor works best.

But for other scenarios, an older pastor might be optimal.

Why should a church consider an older pastor?

I’d love to hear your reasons!

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Pursuing Relational Peace

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, tagged , , on February 25, 2013| 2 Comments »

Several years ago, my wife and I hired a handyman to do some work in our kitchen.

At first, he seemed like a good guy.  He invoiced me … I paid him promptly … and he continued working.

But many weeks later, I came home one night and did not like the work he was doing.

The handyman asked me specifically what I thought of his handiwork.  Trying to be diplomatic, I did not praise his work as he wished.

He started packing up his stuff and putting it in his truck … and then he made his move.

He demanded that I pay him right then and there.

The work wasn’t done.  It was far from over.

While my wife looked on, he got right in my face and demanded that I write him a check.

I did.

He turned on his heel and walked away … leaving our kitchen in shambles … and forcing us to hire someone else to complete the job.

After taking a few days to calm down, I wrote the handyman a letter, detailing the work he had agreed to do but had not finished.

He responded by sending me a text message featuring a four-letter word and threatening to harm me.

I didn’t know how to respond, so I called the police.  An officer came over and took my statement.  If I ended up dead on the side of the road, at least detectives had a lead.

What should I have done with my grievances?

I spoke directly with the handyman and did not overreact emotionally.  When he got in my face, I stood my ground.

But how much is being right worth?  What if he had a gun in his truck?

My favorite relational verse in Scripture is Romans 12:18.  Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Let me make four quick observations about this verse:

First, Paul addresses his directive to the entire congregation in Rome.

Most contemporary materials on conflict management for believers are directed to pastors and staff members, followed by board members and key leaders.

But there is little available for the average layperson in the church.

Is this because books on conflict don’t sell?  Because research shows that people won’t read them?  Because churchgoers won’t follow their directives even if they do read them?  Because most conflicts are between leaders?

I’m not sure, but the New Testament epistles were usually read to the entire church.  While Paul did address 3 of his letters to church leaders (two to Timothy, one to Titus) along with one to a friend (Philemon), he addressed his other 9 epistles to 7 church congregations.

Paul knew what he was doing.  It’s not enough to target leaders with biblical teaching about conflict management.  The entire church needs the teaching … and I believe pastors need to plan to teach about conflict management/resolution to their congregations at least once every year.

Second, Paul encourages believers to “live at peace with everyone.”

Who’s everyone?  Just believers?

I believe “everyone” refers to every single person you meet.  For example, Paul writes in Titus 3:1-2: “Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.”

This includes that rude waitress … and the driver who just cut you off … and the government official who treats you like dirt … and that unpredictable teenager living in your home.

Can a Christian confront wrongdoing?  Yes.  Can we stand up for ourselves assertively?  Yes.  Can we express displeasure at the way we’ve been treated?  Yes.

But we need to know when to back down … when to cool off … and when to walk away.

That’s pursuing peace.

Third, Paul directs believers to take responsibility for their own responses.

There’s a phrase I used to use but retired years ago: “You make me mad.”

That phrase implies that someone else can control my emotions, but the truth is that God wants me to control my own emotions.

You can provoke me … you can bully me … you can threaten me … but you can’t make me mad.

Only I can make myself mad.

I realize that sometimes people push our buttons and we react a split second later with anger.  But as we grow in Christ, we need to learn to (a) delay our anger, (b) defuse our anger, and (c) divert our anger.

But even if I do feel or demonstrate anger, I am responsible for my choices.

And I can choose to pursue peace rather than retaliation.

Finally, Paul implies there will be times when we cannot reconcile with someone.

He gives us an out with the phrase “if it is possible.”

I can do everything in my power to get along with someone, but if they are determined to ignore or hate me, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can pray for reconciliation … and try and speak with them … and ask others to serve as mediators … but like that handyman, if someone chooses to walk out of my life, I can’t prevent it.

Try as we might, we cannot make anyone love us.  While we can choose to pursue peace, others can choose to pursue hatred.

Three decades ago, I pastored a church where a married couple held the top lay leadership positions in the church.  He was the head of the deacons, she the deaconesses.

They attended a Christian university famous for its intolerance.  I assumed they were better than their schooling.

They weren’t.

The youth pastor took the youth group to a Christian rock concert, which I supported.  But this couple didn’t agree.

They gave me a 15-page document detailing why “Christian rock” was evil.

The deacon chairman wanted me to agree that the youth would never attend another Christian rock concert.  I suggested we meet and talk instead.

He announced that his family was leaving the church.

Even though I considered him a friend, I never saw him again … and when their daughter married a young man from the church, everyone was invited to the wedding … except my wife and me.

He made me choose: music or me?

I chose music.

The pain of that loss has long since dissipated, but I’ll never forget that incident … or any of the others where I had to make a similar choice.

Maybe we’ll meet someday in heaven and laugh about that time … but I refuse to feel guilty about it because of these words:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

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Risking It All for Jesus, Finale

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , on January 25, 2013| 1 Comment »

Want to know a dirty little secret about large churches?

Many of them … if not most of them … grow because they’re far better at reaching the already-saved than spiritually lost people.

I once heard a nationally-known pastor confess that after 15 years of ministry, the next thing his church was going to focus on was evangelism.  A friend who attended that church told me that 98% of all their new members were Christians who came from other area fellowships.

If that’s ministry success, then maybe Jesus should have stated the Great Commission this way:

“Therefore invite disciples from smaller churches to your church, baptizing them and teaching them so they can pad the membership roster and turn your ministry into a megachurch.”

But, of course, Jesus’ Commission is to “make disciples of all nations [people groups]” … and making disciples always begins with bringing people into a relationship with Christ first.

As I mentioned in my last article, I came to a place in my life nearly 25 years ago where I saw that the gather/scatter philosophy was not working.  (The church gathers for worship on Sundays and then scatters for evangelism during the week.)

No matter how many times I told people to share their faith … or trained them how to do it … few if anybody ever did it.

(Is it because Christians can’t answer the objections of secular people?  Because we’re not filled with the Spirit?  Because we don’t make time for spiritual discussions?  Or because we don’t think anybody is really going to hell?)

Whatever the reason, I learned that 85% of all churches are either stagnant or declining, while only 15% are growing … and many growing churches are simply siphoning off believers from smaller churches.

I can tell you the day things changed for me.

A pastor friend loaned me four tapes of some talks given by Bill Hybels.  By the second tape, I was in tears.  Bill said that a high school football player at his church was so excited about their services that he reserved an entire row for members of his football squad to join him.

I wanted to be in a church like that!

So after much prayer, research, and discussion, the church I led voted to sell our property … all 1.8 acres of it … and used the proceeds to start over in a light industrial building several miles away.

In the process, we took some major risks, convinced that God was leading us:

*It was risky to sell our property… some experts advised against it … but the place had run its course.  It was time to try something new.

*It was risky to convert a warehouse into a worship center … but when it was done, it felt like heaven on earth.

*It was risky to start a new church with a group of 50 veteran Christians … but they made a great core group for a new church.

*It was risky to let a cautious, seminary-trained pastor lead such a venture … but I was able to make the transition, even though it took time.

But taking risks for Jesus is never easy, and we paid many prices:

*We sensed strong spiritual opposition constantly.

*We were continually hassled by the building department.

*We were cheated by our contractor, who charged us three times what that remodeling project should have cost.

*We kept setting and missing deadlines for our grand opening service … seven deadlines, in fact.

*We constantly battled discouragement because the remodeling project went so slowly.

One night, we took a risk and planned a concert with a well-known Christian artist for a Sunday evening.  The concert could only come off if we obtained our conditional use permit.

We finally obtained it the Friday before … with a few minutes to spare.

400 people attended that concert … one of the greatest nights of my life.

And one month later, when our church officially opened to the public, we had 311 people at our first service.

God performed miracle after miracle for our church.  Unbelievable stuff.

Many people came to faith in Christ and were baptized.

Our worship services were incredible … the best I’ve ever witnessed … and were so good that people constantly invited friends and family to them.

A bond formed among the leaders that will always be present …  and most of those individuals later became leaders in other churches.

Here are five lessons I learned by taking risks for Jesus:

*I had to change as a pastor and as a person.  I could no longer preach one way and live another way.  I had to incarnate change before anybody bought it.  But leading that church made me feel fully alive!

*Our core group had to change as well.  Some couldn’t make the changes and left the church … but most were transformed as leaders and people.

*We were forced to our knees in prayer … forced to address relational issues with others … forced to give beyond a tithe … and forced to rely on the Lord for everything … because we wanted God’s blessing on our ministry.

*We had to rely on the Lord every single day.  We were a couple offerings away from extinction … just like Willow Creek Church in their early days.

*God honors faith.  Hebrews 11 is filled with stories of people who heard God’s voice and obeyed Him against great odds, even though their actions didn’t make sense to those around them.

The late Guy Greenfield, a pastor for many years, once wrote:

“When a church is focused on taking care of itself, paying off its mortgage, paying its bills, and saving money, and shows little interest in outreach, evangelism, ministry, and missions, it is often headed for trouble. . . . Outreach, evangelism, ministry, and missions will keep a congregation on its knees in prayer (which always frightens Satan away). Satan can more easily invade a church that is consumed with secondary matters.”

I have found this to be true in all of the churches that I served as pastor.

When we were focused on reaching lost people, we were forced to get into spiritual shape, make sacrifices, and take risks.

When we were focused on ourselves, we became spiritually shabby, sought our own personal comfort, and stopped doing anything that required real faith.

God did not make churches to become self-contained clubs.  He made churches to become service-oriented organisms.

In the Parable of the Talents, Jesus commended the two men who took their master’s talents … “put his money to work” … and doubled their talents.  But Jesus harshly judged the man who received one talent and hid it in the ground.

The Christian church in America is hiding most of its talents in the ground … spending its time, energy, and funding on staff salaries and building mortgages.

It’s why our services are unexciting … why we’re not growing spiritually … why people are bored at church … why nothing of any consequence is happening.

Where is the sense of adventure?

What is happening in your church that requires God as the only explanation?

It’s time we started taking risks for Jesus … just like the first church in Jerusalem.

Even if we fall flat on our face.

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Risking It All for Jesus

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Health and Conflict, Personal Stories, tagged , , , on January 23, 2013| 6 Comments »

Somebody recently asked me two similar questions: “What was your best church experience?  What was your worst church experience?”

My worst experience – by far – was the second church I served as pastor.

The church was the result of a merger between two small churches.  I was the pastor of the smaller church … my rookie pastorate.

We merged with a church five miles away whose pastor had been ill for months.

We gained property with a building … the other group gained a pastor and some money in savings.

I served as pastor of that church for 7 years.

Most people from the two churches were philosophically incompatible.

The group from my church – mostly seniors – kept looking back to the 1950s and wanted to replicate that culture in their new church.

The other group sought to be more contemporary.

Since I didn’t know the other group very well, I spent more time initially getting to know them … and found that I liked them a lot more than the group that came with me.

18 months after the merger, the whole thing blew up when 25 people from my group left the church.

For the next few years, the ministry was difficult.  I battled depression constantly … mentally resigned every other Monday … and began perusing classified ads to find another job.

In desperation, I began asking God to do something drastic.  I told Him that I saw 5 possibilities for my future:

*Stay at the church as pastor

*Move to another church as pastor

*Become a staff member at another church

*Go into secular work

*Sell the church property and start over in a new location

I told the Lord that I wasn’t smart enough to make the decision and that I would do whatever He told me to do.

In my mind, the second and third possibilities made the most sense.  The last one made the least sense.

Guess which one God chose?

The last one: sell the church property and start over in a new location.

Years later, I sat in the office of a seminary professor whom I had met for the first time.  As we were talking, he said to me, “I even read a story in a book about a pastor whose church sold their property and started over somewhere else.”

I told him, “That was me!”

And I still can’t believe we did that.

Why did we take that risk?

First, the church didn’t have a worship center.  At one time, the congregation met in their small gymnasium.  When I came to the church, they were meeting in their fellowship hall.  When 70 people were present, the place felt full … and people felt content.  Without a dedicated worship center, we looked minor league to newcomers.

Second, the church property was decaying.  There was a perpetual gas smell in the nursery.  Water flooded into a classroom when it rained.  The place looked deserted from the street because the parking lot was located in the back.  We looked at the costs of upgrading the place and it felt prohibitive for our smallish congregation.

Third, the church could not retain young families.  Young couples would come to our community for their first jobs, but because most couldn’t afford the cost of housing, they would move to Colorado or Texas where houses were more attainable.

Finally, the church lacked a vision of what it could become.  For years, we had the same ministries … Sunday School, men’s fellowship, women’s meetings, AWANA … and it just wasn’t working.

One year, we baptized just one person.

When I was in seminary, I was told, “Preach the Word and your church will grow.”  I did preach it, teaching through books like Numbers, Joshua, Judges, Nehemiah, Malachi, Mark, Acts, Ephesians … but we didn’t grow.

What was the problem?

In my view, it was our ministry philosophy toward spiritually lost people.

I believed that if I equipped God’s people well, they would go to their homes and workplaces, share their faith, win people to Christ, and then invite them to come to the church.

But it almost never happened that way … and yet we kept up that line of thinking for years.

We played it safe … just treading ministry water … and the people in our community responded accordingly.

Until we risked it all for Jesus.

The experience of selling our property and starting over somewhere else initially frightened me … but as I look back, it was one of the best decisions I ever made … even though it just about killed me.

The ministry that resulted was the best church experience I’ve ever had.

More next time!

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Pastors Who Overfunction

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Ten Most Viewed Articles, tagged , , , on November 12, 2012| 4 Comments »

I’ve done a lot of stupid things in church ministry.

But what I’m about to tell you was one of the stupidest.

Many years ago, in my second pastorate, I became discontented with the level of giftedness in our Sunday morning service.

We started the service with announcements.  (It was the trend back then.)

Then we had a few hymns.

Then we had a time where people in the congregation could share testimonies … followed by another hymn.

Then I preached … followed by a final hymn.

I didn’t like the way the guy who made announcements made them … so I made them instead.

And we didn’t have anyone decent to lead singing … so I led singing instead.

And I was already leading the testimony time … and saying the prayers … and preaching.

It’s a wonder I didn’t play the organ and piano, run sound, take the offering, and watch the kids in the nursery.

Because of personal anxiety, I started doing more and more things myself.

There’s a word for the way I behaved: overfunctioning.

When someone overfunctions, they assume an unhealthy responsibility for the behavior of others.

And pastors, if they’re not careful, can become classic overfunctioners.

Let me share with you four reasons why pastors should not overfunction:

First, overfunctioners deny the giftedness of the body of Christ.

Jesus had every spiritual gift, didn’t He?  He had the gift of leadership … and miracles … and teaching … and faith … and prophecy … and healing … and giving.

He could have been a one-man show.  Instead, He chose 12 disciples to be with Him, and to send them out to preach, and to have authority to drive out demons (Mark 3:13-15).

Jesus could have overfunctioned, but He never did.  He set the pace, but He let His disciples share His ministry … and learn from Him along the way.

Paul didn’t overfunction, either.  He served with Barnabas and Silas and Timothy and Titus and Priscilla and Aquila and Epaphroditus.

While Jesus could have done ministry better than any of the Twelve, He chose to share ministry with them anyway … and when He returned to heaven, they took over.

Even if a pastor can do various ministries better than anyone in a church, it will only grow to a certain level.

A pastor has to recruit, train, and release people to do ministry … and trust that they can do ministry better than he can.

Second, overfunctioners play Holy Spirit in people’s lives.

Years ago, I talked to my board chairman about how frustrated I was with the slow spiritual growth in the lives of some churchgoers.

I’ll never forget what he told me: “Jim, you’ve got to let the Holy Spirit work in their lives.”

I was trying to hurry up people’s spiritual growth so they would attend and serve and give more consistently … but I was trying to do it in the flesh rather than letting God do the work.

When we’re trying to straighten everybody out … when we’re trying to acclerate the pace at which people grow … when we’re doing it for our benefit, not theirs … then we’re overfunctioning and playing Holy Spirit in people’s lives.

And there is no vacancy in the Trinity.

Let’s let God be God.  He has no limits.

And let’s let us be us.  We are very limited indeed.

Third, overfunctioners fail to let people wrestle with their own problems. 

This shows up most in the pastor’s study when he does counseling.

Many pastors go into ministry because they want to rescue people from their maladies.

So when they listen to someone’s problem in a counseling setting, they want to “fix” them right away.

They recommend a book, but give a copy to the counselee rather than letting them buy it themselves.

They open and close the session with prayer, rather than letting the counselee pray at all.

They tell the counselee five ways to deal with their issue rather than letting them make their own discoveries.

Paul writes in Galatians 6:5, “For each of you should carry your own load.”  The word “load” has the idea of a backpack, something that each of us can carry on our own.

Yet back in verse 2, Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”  The term “burdens” has the idea of a load so heavy (think of a piano) that you can only carry the load with the help of others.

Pastors need to help people carry the pianos in their lives while letting people carry their own backpacks.

Finally, overfunctioners eventually run out of steam.

If a pastor tries to be the body of Christ … and he tries to play Holy Spirit in people’s lives … and he fails to let people wrestle with their own problems … then he’s going to collapse emotionally … and he won’t be able to help others for a long time.

Pastors need to know their limits … but in the church, we applaud pastors who work insane hours.

I have a theory about workaholic pastors.  Because they’re not convinced of their giftedness – after all, it seems like other pastors lead and teach and administrate better – they try and outwork others so they can feel good about themselves.

In my second pastorate, I arrived at church at 6 am every Tuesday for a men’s prayer meeting.  We had board meetings on Tuesday nights, and I would stay through and work a 15 or 16 hour day.

One of the board members lived behind the church.  One time, he called me at my office and said, “I see your car in the parking lot.  Go home to your wife and kids.”

That was some of the best advice I ever received.

Because if I just use the spiritual gifts God gave me … then I free others up to use the gifts God gave them.

And if I stop playing Holy Spirit in people’s lives … then maybe they can let the real Holy Spirit take control.

And if I let people wrestle with their own problems … then maybe they’ll solve them when I’m not around.

And if I empower others in the church to carry out their ministries … without my help … then maybe I can spend most nights at home with my family.

When pastors overfunction in a church … the body of Christ underfunctions.

And God never intended for a pastor to be the entire body.

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Chasing Away Ex-Pastors

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, tagged , , , on October 22, 2012| 2 Comments »

If a former pastor came to your church, and he wanted to use his spiritual gifts, where could he serve?

Last year, my wife and I were attending a great church.  We loved everything about it … except there wasn’t any venue for me to use my gifts and teach there.

So we began visiting other churches in hopes that I might find a place to teach.

One Sunday morning, we visited a church with about 70 people in attendance.  From where we were seated, I counted 8 empty rows between us and the stage.  The music wasn’t very good, the pastor ran the whole service, and the entire experience was underwhelming.

Before the service, the pastor and his wife came over and introduced themselves to us, which I thought was cool.  They seemed to be happy we were there.  I gave the pastor my card at the door and told him I’d like to take him out to lunch.

We went out a few days later.  I shared with him that we were looking for a church home and that I was looking for a place I might be able to teach from on occasion.

The pastor blurted out, “I don’t even know you!  It would take a year for you to be able to teach in our church!”

(If he had been open to having me teach, he could have vetted me with a couple phone calls, one or two speaking mp3s, and a resume.  Would have taken two hours.)

Obviously, I had hit a nerve.

I didn’t want to take the pastor’s job, or preach every Sunday, or take the spotlight off him in any way.

I just wanted to teach the Bible to Christians … and I thought he might welcome an offer of help.

But I was wrong.

More recently, I visited a church that advertised a contemporary service … at 11:30 on Sunday morning.

When I got there, I didn’t know where the bathroom was … couldn’t find the door to the worship center … wasn’t greeted by anybody when I finally found the entrance … and counted 43 people at that service.

Several weeks later, my wife came with me and we counted 25 people at that same service.

So I took the pastor out to lunch, and casually mentioned that I had been doing contemporary services for 22 years, and if he ever needed help, I would be glad to assist him in any way I could.

He hasn’t called yet.

There are thousands of ex-pastors who aren’t helping to advance the kingdom of God because they’re not permitted to serve in local churches.

Why not?

Because they’re perceived as a threat by the lead pastor.

Even though it’s bad theology, pastors like to view themselves as being omnicompetent.

Inside their congregations, they believe they know more about the Bible and leadership and preaching and administration and fundraising and evangelism and managing staff and prayer than anybody else does.

Or at least they want people to think that they do.

So if someone comes along that might know Scripture or leadership or staff management as well or better than they do, they feel threatened.

Here’s the irony: that same church would open its arms to an untested young man in his early twenties who felt called to ministry.

He’d be allowed to work with children … or youth … or the worship team … or a small group … and maybe even speak on ocassion.

Why?

Because he’s obviously in an inferior position to the pastor.

But if you have years of experience, and you could do something better than the senior pastor, you would find yourself unwelcome in most churches.

This is why most ex-pastors do one of four things:

*Quit going to church.

*Form their own ministry.

*Find a megachurch and just veg.

*Become an interim pastor.

In each case, that seasoned pastor doesn’t threaten anybody.

Do pastors really want to see the kingdom of God advance in America?

Then they should seek out former pastors as mentors … and coaches … and consultants … and trainers … and unpaid staff members … and fill-in preachers … and teachers of special classes.

But if they’re more interested in being the undisputed sovereigns of their little church empires, then they should chase away anyone who is more gifted in some area than they are.

And from where I sit, they’re doing it quite well.

Why do you think current pastors fail to utilize the gifts and experiences of former pastors?  I’m interested in your observations.

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Conflict on the Road … and in the Church

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged , on October 15, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Where in life do you experience the most conflict?

On the job with passive-aggressive subordinates or insensitive supervisors?

In the neighborhood with barking dogs and mischievous students?

At your church with loud worship bands and unfriendly ushers?

In your home with lazy kids and an uncooperative spouse?

How about on the road?

My wife and I just returned today from a little trip to the Revolutionary War sites of Concord and Lexington, both in Massachusetts.  We drove about 60 miles each way.  (I’m serving a church in New England for a few months.)

In the short distance we traveled, we met some drivers who caused some conflict.  Let me draw some parallels between these drivers and certain churchgoers.

First, some drivers … like some churchgoers … are always driving in the slow lane.

Six days a week, I drive 21 miles up and down Interstate 93 here in New Hampshire.  The 93 features two wide lanes and excellent road surfaces.

Some drivers stay in the slow lane … not because they’re going the speed limit, but because they’ve chosen a speed that’s comfortable for them.

I hate driving behind those people.

Some churchgoers are like this, too.  They want life at church to go slowly.  They especially resist change.

They prefer to find their place on the road, put their life on cruise control, and force everyone else to pass them.

I don’t blame church attendees for feeling this way.  If they wish to camp in the slow lane, that’s allowed.

However, some slow laners swerve into the fast lane on occasion … not for passing … but to obstruct faster drivers.

I’ve seen staff members try this trick … along with board members … musicians … youth leaders … and seniors.

They want to keep the church from changing too quickly, so they do their best to slow everything down.

Rule-of-thumb: if you want to travel at a leisurely pace, stay in the slow lane … and let others pass you by.

Second, some drivers … like some churchgoers … are always pushing you from behind.

This afternoon, as I drove from New Hampshire into Massachusetts, a woman came racing up behind me in the fast lane and placed her car nearly up against mine.

Such driving is characteristic of people with road rage.

I was already going plenty fast … and we were at a place on the highway where there are several miles of turns without straightaways … and I couldn’t get into the slow lane.

My wife was so bugged at the woman … who was smoking … that my wife turned around and stared at her to get her to back off.

But she didn’t back off.

After I got over, the woman passed me going at least 90 miles an hour.

Some church leaders … especially pastors … have a habit of pushing people from behind as well.

Instead of leading the sheep, they drive the sheep.

“Read your Bible!  Join a group!  Deposit your tithe!  Use your gifts!  Come every Sunday!  Share your faith!  Pray without ceasing!”

All good counsel for believers.  It’s the way the pastor does it that counts.

If he’s doing it for his own purposes, that’s manipulation.

If he’s doing it to help others grow spiritually, that’s motivation.

The driver who kept pushing me didn’t know me and certainly didn’t love me … especially when my car bore a California license plate.

And when a pastor drives his people, one suspects he doesn’t know or love them very well, either.

Rule-of-thumb: follow leaders who know and love you … and get as far away as possible from the others.

Finally, some drivers … like churchgoers … want to occupy the same space at the same time as you do.

We were preparing to merge tonight from Interstate 95 going east onto Interstate 93 going north … and there was a lot of traffic around us.

As I tried to merge into the slow lane about 1/2 mile away, I couldn’t do it because a driver was going very slow.

So I sped up … and just as I planned to get over … an unbroken line of cars merged into our lane from Interstate 93 going north.

It didn’t look like I could get over in time … but I did … barely … after loudly lamenting the fact that some engineer made a mistake by putting a freeway on-ramp about 1/8 mile from a freeway off-ramp.

Conflict occurs in churches when two parties want the same space at the same time.

The children’s director asks for and receives permission three months ahead of time to hold a special event in the youth room on November 20.

The youth director never notices … assuming he’ll always have use of the room.

On the morning of November 20, he walks into the youth room only to find the children’s director decorating the room for her event.

The youth director goes nuts.  That’s his room!

Conflict.

Or here’s another scenario.

The young moms group meets every other Thursday at the church from 10-11:30 am … but this month, they decide to have a potluck lunch after their meeting … without telling anybody.

All the moms bring their favorite dish and place it in the refrigerator before the meeting.

While they’re meeting, the leader of the seniors’ group walks into the kitchen to take out the food for the seniors’ luncheon … and finds piles of unauthorized food blocking her authorized food instead.

Conflict.

Sometimes conflict at church just happens.  It’s nobody’s fault.

But sometimes, it’s the result of poor planning … or faulty communication … or a way too aggressive attitude.

Rule-of-thumb: plan your moves early, signal your intentions clearly, and move into daylight boldly.

Last month, my wife and I drove 3,200 miles across America.

We encountered some terrible roads (especially in Oklahoma), some awful weather (especially in Missouri), some horrendous drivers (especially in Massachusetts), and some costly toll roads (especially in New York.)

But even though I experienced conflicts on the road, I quickly forgot about each one.

Why?

Because driving has been second nature to me for more than four decades.

When we learn to practice what the Bible says about resolving conflicts, they will become second nature for us as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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