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Christian Leaders and Pain

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, tagged , , , , on May 4, 2012| 3 Comments »

Two days ago, I read an article about a Christian leader that broke my heart … and I can’t get it out of my mind.

Tom White, long-time executive director of Voice of the Martyrs, committed suicide several weeks ago as police were investigating a molestation charge against him.  You can read the story here:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2012/aprilweb-only/tom-white-accusations.html

I’ve admired the work that VOM has done for a long time.  My prayer is that this tragedy doesn’t affect the crucial work they’re doing in calling attention to persecuted believers all over the world … and that God will grant Tom White’s family and his VOM colleagues His peace.

While reading this article, I thought about the many Christian leaders that I’ve known or respected who were discovered to be all too human and fallible.

Professors at Christian schools.  Missionaries.  Prominent pastors.  Christian vocalists and musicians.  Parachurch leaders.  Evangelists.  Associate pastors.  Televangelists.

Some preached against divorce … and eventually went through their own divorce.

Others railed against adultery … only to be seduced themselves.

Some preached a prosperity gospel … and later lost everything.

And some have behaved in ways that we … and even they … cannot fathom.

Back in the late 1980s, when there was a rash of scandals involving Christian leaders, we were told that leaders needed to demonstrate greater accountability, and that this single step would halt most of the scandals.

Maybe so … but I have a different take on this.

I believe there is a direct correlation between doing ministry and personal pain.

The more committed you are to ministering to others, the more pain you will experience in your own life.

If you doubt me, read 2 Corinthians.   In 1 Corinthians, Paul tries to address various issues at Corinth and restrains himself when it comes to expressing his own emotions.

But in 2 Corinthians, Paul lets it all hang out, and at times it’s difficult to read.  Just a few examples:

1:8: “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.”

2:4: “For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you.”

4:8-9: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

7:5: “For when we came to Macedonia, this body of ours had no rest, but we were harassed at every turn – conflicts on the outside, fears within.”

11:23-25: “I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.  Five times I received frm the Jews the forty lashes minus one.  Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea.”

And then there’s this one:

11:28-29: “Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.  Who is weak, and I do not feel weak?  Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?”

Notice that?  Besides all the physical pain that Paul endured for Christ, he also felt emotional and spiritual pain because he cared so much for others.

When I entered church ministry, I was told in general terms that I would suffer.  I plowed ahead anyway.

What I wasn’t told … and most of us aren’t … is that there are times when the pain becomes so great that you have to pull back.

If there were more rejoicers than weepers … or just as many … the ministry would be more bearable.

But most of the time, there are far more weepers than rejoicers … and after a while, the hurts of others gets to you, and you don’t know what to do with all that pain.

You’d like to lean on your wife, but she has her own pain to deal with, and she’s already tired of hearing about yours.

You’d like to talk with a counselor, but you don’t know who to trust, and you suspect that counseling will uncover more of your own buried pain.

You’d like to tell your board, but you’re afraid they’ll condemn you or fire you, so you stay silent.

You want to tell somebody about your pain, but you can’t find anyone who’s safe enough to trust.

And so you stuff it … and the pain starts turning into anxiety, anger, and depression.

And when you finally do something stupid … or take your own life … people wonder why you didn’t reach out for help.

Maybe you should have reached out … or maybe you just didn’t know where to go for help.

I’ve visited a lot of churches over the past 2 1/2 years – probably at least 40.

And in the course of listening to many preachers, I’ve come to this conclusion: I wouldn’t dare share a personal problem with most of them.  Know why?

Because they don’t dare share their humanity with us.

When I hear a pastor tell a story on himself … or admit that he struggles with certain issues … or needs the gospel just as much as I do, I’m drawn to him.  I feel safe with him.

But when I don’t hear any humanity coming from the pulpit … when the pastor says “you” and not “we” … when he yells and condemns and intimates, “I have it all together” – I don’t feel safe … and I’m sure I’m not alone.

The ethos of much of the Christian world seems to be, “Even though you aren’t perfect, you better act like you are, so you can keep your job and your reputation.”

But Christian leaders aren’t perfect.  Every one is messed up in some way.  They all have their issues, wounds, and struggles … just like you do … and just like Paul did.

I don’t know whether Tom White did anything wrong or not.  We may never know.

But I do know this: we’re all weak and vulnerable at times.  Because of the pain in our lives, we’re all tempted to do stupid stuff.

And all of us – including Christian leaders – need safe people we can talk with and safe places we can go so that we can experience healing and continue in ministry.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul quoted Jesus as saying that His “power is made perfect in weakness.”

Not in strength … in weakness.

Act like you’re strong all the time, and you’ll eventually succumb to weakness.

Admit that you’re weak, and you’ll become strong.

Your thoughts?

I’ll write more on this topic another time.

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Hints on Confronting Others

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on April 30, 2012| 6 Comments »

There’s a scene in the film “Raiders of the Lost Ark” that reminds me of the wrong way to confront someone.

It’s the scene where Indiana Jones races through a Middle Eastern city looking for Marion, who has been kidnapped.  As Indiana runs around frantically, the crowd quickly disperses and Indiana is left staring at a large, scary-looking guy whipping his sword around.

What will Indiana do?  Yell at the guy?  Run?  Call for reinforcements?  Ask for a sword of his own?

Indiana takes out his gun … and shoots the guy dead.  (When I first saw the film, my friends loved that scene.)

That may be the way to handle sword-wielding bad guys, but it’s not the best way to handle a confrontation with someone you love.

And yet that’s what many people do when they confront another person.

In essence, they shoot them.

Jesus suggested a better way in Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

Your brother is another Christian believer.  This passage applies to sisters in the Lord as well.

And the implication is that your brother or sister has sinned against you, violating you in some way.

Let me share five hints for handling a potential confrontation in a more healthy manner:

First, confront in person. 

It is not fair to confront someone in an email, or on Facebook, or in a text, or via snail mail.

The person you’re confronting can’t see your face, or hear your tone of voice, or read you at all.

I don’t like the telephone for confrontation, either – and no, I haven’t confronted anyone via Skype.

Unless impossible, confrontations should almost always be done in person.

You can convey your love for the person through your voice tone, body language, and facial expressions.

You can enter into a dialogue rather than force the other person into listening to your monologue.

You can encourage them to listen to you much easier if you confront them in person.

Second, confront them alone.

If I’m struggling with something you did wrong, or I’m concerned about our relationship, Jesus commands me to talk to you alone “just between the two of you.”

It’s not fair for me to ask someone else to confront you.

It’s not fair for me to bring two or three people into the situation … yet.

What if I’ve got the facts wrong?  What if I’m seeing things incorrectly?  What if I’m overreacting?

Meeting with you one-on-one is the fairest way to handle matters.

Third, deal with issues as they arise.

There is an immediacy to Jesus’ words: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault …”

But what do most of us do?

We avoid confrontation, so we wait … and stew … and get hurt again … and avoid confrontation … and stew … and get hurt again … and then:

WE EXPLODE!

And the object of our wrath probably has no idea about our strong feelings.

It’s an old expression, but true: keep short accounts with people.

As Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”

Handle people’s offenses as they arise.

When you avoid dealing with issues as they arise, you’ll be tempted to accumulate offenses.

You’ll keep a running list.

You’ll try and rope others into agreeing with your list.

You’ll eventually be tempted to dump the whole list of offenses on your brother or sister at once, which will seriously damage your relationship and may even end it for good.

Practice confronting people within a short time after they commit an offense.  If you can’t do that, LET IT GO.

Fourth, ask for permission to confront.

We have a right to confront people with whom we are close: family, friends, long-time co-workers.

But we have the right to confront because people give us that right.

I’ve learned to say this at times: “I’ve noticed something you do that I’m not sure you’re aware of.  Would it be all right for me to share that with you sometime?”

When they say yes – and most people will because they’re curious – they have just given you permission to share your concerns with them.

I went to lunch one time with a man who attended my church.  We barely knew each other.

He started criticizing my preaching.  I stopped him cold.

I told him that he hadn’t yet earned the right to criticize me that way … and he hadn’t.  If I changed for him, how would those who liked my preaching feel?

It’s not that I can’t learn from others.  I can.  But some rights must be earned.

Finally, affirm your relationship.

Let the person you’re confronting know that you value their friendship and that you are “for” them, not “against” them.

Tell them, “I hope we’ll always be friends.”

In my own life, I only confront people if (a) they’re harming themselves or others, or (b) they’re harming our relationship.  Otherwise, you have to let most things go.

You can never predict how people will handle a confrontation, but if you (a) confront in person, (b) confront them alone, (c) deal with issues as they arise, (d) ask for permission to confront, and (e) affirm your relationship – you have a far greater chance for success.

Your thoughts?

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Your Church’s Inner Circle

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Current Church Issues, tagged , , on April 27, 2012| 6 Comments »

It was one of those moments you never forget.

I was sitting in the office of our new pastor when suddenly, the phone rang.

The pastor took the call.  It would change both of our lives forever.

Several leaders in our church – including people who had taught me the Bible – were caught in behavior unbecoming of spiritual leaders.

And these leaders were prominent in our fellowship.

Because I stayed in the room, I could tell by the pastor’s conversation that this was serious stuff.

And it was even more serious when I learned the names of the people involved.

I didn’t want to know anything … but it was unavoidable.

And I was only 19 at the time.

This revelation shook me up.  People I had put on a pedestal weren’t the angels I thought they were.

That night, I went with the pastor to visit people in their homes.  As we discussed the events of that morning, he told me something I’ve never forgotten:

“Jim, don’t ever be shocked by what Christians do.”

That was my baptism into the inner circle of church life.

The inner circle of a church is composed of the pastor, staff members, and key leaders who know what’s going on and make decisions that influence church life.

After being in the inner circle of eight churches over 35 years of ministry, I’ve come to four conclusions about that circle:

First, the inner circle deals with the back side of church life.

When I was a kid, there was a piece of wood that was used for home plate whenever we played baseball in our driveway.  I kept the wood on the side of our house.  The wood looked great on its surface, but when I turned it over, the back side was full of bugs.

Churches can look like that, too.

It’s not that staff members are partying or board members are swearing at each other.  It’s more subtle than that.

It’s that people who appear to be Christians on Sunday may act like secular people behind the scenes.

I’ve known leaders to make threats.  A few have used passive aggressive tactics.

Some have agreed to a decision in a board meeting and then sabotaged the decision in the parking lot afterwards.

Most people who serve in the IC are right-on believers, but life in the IC can become stressful.

You have to be called to serve in that IC … and refuse to be shocked by what you see and hear.

Second, the inner circle is composed of humans, not saints.  My first few years in church ministry, I wanted to believe that my pastor and board members were truly saints of God.

And then I got to know them.

And the more I got to know them, the more I discovered how human they really were.

And the more human they were, the more I liked them.

When I discovered that a leader liked baseball, or a movie I enjoyed, then we shared something in common that we could discuss whenever we saw each other.

But I was shocked at times by how non-human some leaders seemed because they tried to give the impression that they were perfect.

I always had trouble with those leaders.  In fact, most of the leaders I’ve had trouble with over the years never admitted that they did anything wrong.

The human ones were comfortable being authentic.  The inhuman ones tried to act angelic.

That’s one of the benefits of reading Christian biographies.  You find that people you admire are human … just like you.

A veteran Christian leader recently told me that the key to God’s blessing in a church is when the leaders become real with each other.

He may be right.

Third, the inner circle sometimes makes decisions in a messy manner.

My first-ever job was in a butcher’s shop.  I had to go into a closet and clean out the machine where hamburger was made.

Believe me, you don’t want to see how hamburger is made.

And you might not want to see how decisions are made in a church, either.

Some people think a pastor comes to a board meeting, makes a proposal, everyone nods their heads, and the decision sails through.

But reality is far different than that.

I’ve brought proposals to a board meeting that I thought would be approved in five minutes … and one hour later, the board was still haggling about it.

Not arguing … just haggling.

Some people can handle it.  Others cannot.  Those who cannot should probably serve elsewhere.

But those God calls into the IC gradually accept that decision making can be messy.

It’s the price we pay for letting a multiplicity of leaders manage a church.

Finally, the inner circle tests all who are in it.

A friend of mine sits on the board of a prominent church.  He told me recently that his pastor receives scores of critical notes about his preaching every single week.

My friend believes in his pastor and in his church’s mission … but it’s obvious that not everyone does.

If you sit in the back of a church sanctuary on Sundays, you’d never know about all the stuff that’s going on behind the scenes.

And in a healthy church, you never will.

By contrast, the Four Gospels give us glimpses into Jesus’ IC.

There were events that only The Twelve knew about … like Peter trying to walk on the water.

And there were conversations that only Peter, James and John heard … like Jesus’ prayers in Gethsemane.

I must confess, when I first read the Gospels, I was shocked by much of what happened in Jesus’ IC.

But as I grew in my faith, I came to realize this one crucial truth:

God only uses imperfect people.

And that includes the IC at your church, too.

If you’re in the IC, loosen up a bit.  Be authentic rather than legalistic.

And if you’re not in the IC, pray for those who are.

Because they represent you.

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When Pastors Are Married to Their Churches

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues on April 13, 2012| 2 Comments »

How committed should a pastor be to the church that employs him?

I grew up in an era when pastors were expected to be available 24/7 to the people in their congregation.  In my first-ever class in seminary, Dr. Charles Feinberg – Mr. Talbot at the time – told our class, “If you can be anything other than a pastor, do it.”

Since I felt called to pastoral ministry, I didn’t know what else I could do.  (I had already tried working at McDonald’s and that experiment didn’t go so well.)

I had a friend in seminary who was a carpenter.  After he graduated, he went into that profession rather than pursue pastoral ministry.  He was able to be something other than a pastor.

But that was never true of me or many of my colleagues.  Bill Hybels used to say of pastors, “We’ve been had.”

Wives often complain that their hubands are married to their jobs, but in the case of pastors, it’s very much true.

While Roman Catholic priests have been instructed not to take a wife so they can be “married” to The Church, Protestant pastors usually commit bigamy: they marry both a woman and a local congregation.

When I grew up, pastors were more married to their churches.  Today, they’re more married to their wives … and that’s much healthier.

But pastors still struggle with how committed they should be to their church.

Let me share several thoughts about this topic:

First, pastors tend to be overly-responsible individuals.  They want their churches to grow both spiritually and numerically.  They want seeking people to find the Lord.  They want to visit sick people in the hospital and counsel people in pain.  They want to manage the church well and start new ministries and oversee worship services and make sure the church looks good and run the staff well … and on and on and on.

Scott Peck said that people who take too much responsibility tend to be neurotic.  If that’s true, then pastors must be among the most neurotic people on the planet.

When I was a pastor, I cared about every aspect of the church: music, small groups, leadership training, youth ministry, children’s ministry, and everything else.  Sometimes I was accused of not caring about certain ministries, but I tried to keep tabs on everything through the staff.  However:

Second, pastors are overly-sensitive to criticism.  In my second pastorate, I tried to help the deaconesses with their ministry and basically got kicked out of the meeting.  (I never interfered with women’s ministry again.)  But in that same church, the seniors were upset with me because I didn’t interact with them in any way – and they felt I had abandoned them.

While it sounds spiritual to say that pastors work for the Lord, He doesn’t directly pay their salary.  People in the church do.  And every pastor knows that when people in a church aren’t happy, they stop coming, giving, and serving.

So a pastor tries intensely to please as many people and groups as possible.  He knows that when people are unhappy, they spread their discontent to others … and bad things happen.

So the pastor runs around like a wedding planner trying to make sure that everything at the church is always perfect so people won’t complain about his leadership … or his caring … or his spirituality … or his preaching … and on and on.

However, pastors wish they could be divine.  While they represent a divine God, they themselves fall far short of divinity.

Pastors don’t know everything.

Pastors can’t be everywhere at once.

Pastors don’t have all power.

Only God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.

Many years ago, a prominent church leader went into the hospital for a procedure.  He was angry with me for not coming to see him in the hospital, but I knew absolutely nothing about it.

He expected me to be omniscient, but I couldn’t be.  Even pastors have their limits.

I honestly believe that many pastors burn out because they’re trying to serve without limits (an indication of divinity) when they actually have many limits (an indication of humanity).

When pastors feel overly-responsible for their churches … when they act overly-sensitive … and when they feel like they have to be divine to succeed … they gradually drift toward being married to their church.

And in the process, the pastor puts himself in danger of being divorced by his spiritual bride.

I’ll write more about this topic next week.

What are your thoughts about pastors being married to their churches?

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Keeping Our Promises

Posted in Current Church Issues, Personal Stories on April 9, 2012| 1 Comment »

Several weeks ago – my next-to-the-last day in Phoenix – I drove over to the Dodger camp in Glendale for one last look at spring training before moving to California.

While the fans lined the ropes hoping that a Dodger player might stop and autograph a ball for them, I spotted two men walking through the crowd: Don Mattingly, Yankee legend and current Dodger manager, and Peter Gammons, Hall of Fame sportswriter.

While Don Mattingly was once a household name, Peter Gammons is known mostly to baseball fans.  For years, he offered commentary on baseball matters on ESPN and now works for the Major League Baseball Network.  He’s been named Sportswriter of the Year three times.

As you can see from this photo, there weren’t many people around yet that day.  One fan asked Gammons for his autograph (not Mattingly) and Gammons used the timeworn phrase, “I’ll get you later.”

Now if I was Gammons, I probably wouldn’t have stopped, either.  After all, he was walking with Mattingly – probably preparing to do a report on the Dodgers – and he wanted to keep the conversation going.  Fair enough.

But when Gammons did return – this time, walking with a Dodger minor league coach – he was once again asked for his signature, only this time he didn’t stop and sign as he had promised to do – he just kept going into the Dodger clubhouse.

It would have taken Peter Gammons less then ten seconds to sign something for the gentleman who requested his signature – and I doubt if a mob would have ensued afterwards.  The man asking would probably never see Gammons again.

But I’m not trying to jump on Gammons – after all, I didn’t request his signature – but on the casual way we make and break promises.

How many of you have had someone make one of the following promises to you recently?

“I’ll drop that in the mail today.”

“I’ll call you back by tomorrow night.”

“I’ll be home by six.”

“I’ll pick up your medicine on the way home.”

“I’ll be there at ten o’clock sharp.”

“I’ll pray for you as you visit the doctor.”

We make casual promises to each other all the time, don’t we?

We give others – often members of our family – assurances that they are important to us and that we’ll come through for them.

But what happens when we don’t come through as promised?

When my kids were small, I did everything in my power to keep my promises to them.  If they could learn to trust me, I figured, then maybe they could learn to trust their teachers, their employers, their pastors … and their God.

I don’t know how many promises I didn’t keep.  (I hope it wasn’t many.)  But I tried to keep every one I made … and made as few as possible so I could remember them all.

In The Message, Jesus says this in the Sermon on the Mount:

“And don’t say anything you don’t mean…. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it … Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’  When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.”

It’s especially important for Christian leaders to keep their promises.  For example, if a pastor wants to avoid conflict with churchgoers, then he needs to follow through with these promises:

“I’ll stop over and see your mother in the hospital later today.”

“I’ll bring a report to the meeting next week.”

“I’ll bring that book you asked about on Sunday.”

“I promise I’ll spend some time in prayer for your family.”

“I will see you for lunch tomorrow at 11:45.”

Keep your promises … and your credibility goes up.

Start breaking them … and watch your trust level go south.

Let me encourage everyone reading this to make fewer promises but to keep the ones you make.

Most of us do not have Alzheimer’s.

And when we realize we’ve broken a promise, we need to admit it, apologize for it, and then make good on that promise at the first opportunity.

I’m sure that Peter Gammons didn’t mean to break his promise to that fan.  He probably just forgot.

And we’ll forget our promises sometimes, too.

But if we want others to trust us … and we want our word to mean something … let’s keep the promises we make.

After all, where would we be if God did not keep His promises to us?

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Getting the Creeps … In Church

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on April 4, 2012| 2 Comments »

Have you ever gone to church and suddenly developed a serious case of … the creeps?

It happened to me recently.

My wife and I visited a church that was recommended by a colleague.

After parking our car, we felt creepy because we didn’t know where the worship center was – so we guessed its location.  Fortunately, we guessed correctly.

As we walked toward the worship center, though, we didn’t know where to enter it.  Suddenly, a flustered woman appeared and tried to open the door.  It wouldn’t budge.

It felt … creepy.

She did open it on the second attempt, though, and we walked into a small worship center jammed with people … and I instantly felt claustrophobic.

And creepy.

We couldn’t find seats without assistance, so an usher pointed out two empty seats near the back.  We hurriedly sat down.

The worship time was somewhat pleasant, but also felt … well, you know.  I’ve seen worship bands arranged on the stage in various ways, but I’ve never seen six band members on the right side of the stage while the worship leader stood in the corner on the left side of the stage before.  It looked awkward.

I wore jeans to church, like I usually do, but the elders – who served communion – all wore coats and ties.  Some of you may be acclimated to that kind of formal attire, but nobody in our church in Arizona dressed formally, so it felt uncomfortable.

But nothing prepared me for the pastor’s message.

I look for three things when I hear a message: biblical accuracy, intellectual stimulation, and emotional connection.

The pastor was biblically accurate.

There was zero intellectual stimulation.  Many churchgoers may not need that, but I do.  Platitudes aren’t enough.

But I was most troubled by the pastor’s tone while preaching.  It was like he was divine and expected divinity from the rest of us.  We weren’t allowed to be human … nor was anyone else.

A pastor connects best with a congregation when he admits his humanity.  He includes himself in his preaching by using the term “we” and by telling stories that demonstrate that he’s struggling with living like Jesus, just like the rest of us.

But this pastor didn’t tell even one story … and made me feel like I could never measure up to his expectations, much less those of Jesus.

At the conclusion of his message, he told us that if we had fear or anxiety in our lives, we needed to repent of our sin before the Lord.

I felt terrible, because the church had already created so much fear and anxiety in me that by the end of the service, I still hadn’t repented of all my fear and anxiety.

Creepyville.

We couldn’t wait to leave.  All I was thinking was, “Where did I park?  Get me out of here.”

I freely admit that I am not the measure of normalcy when it comes to churchgoing.  There were people who seemed to love the church regardless of my feelings about it.

But the number one feeling I had that morning was:

THIS CHURCH IS NOT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.

And, quite frankly, they aren’t ready for any newcomers, either.

I felt like I invaded their secret club.

Have you ever had a creepy church experience?  If so, my readers would love to hear about it.

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Quick Quiz on Church Conflict

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on March 16, 2012| Leave a Comment »

It’s the end of the week, and I’m exhausted, so I thought I’d put together a quick quiz concering what the Bible has to say about the causes and solutions to conflict.

If you finish the quiz – regardless of your responses – you get an automatic “A+” from me.

And if you get all 7 questions right, please let me know.  You’ll find the answers at the end of the quiz.

1. If your relationship with a Christian friend is strained, what does Jesus tell you to do about it?

a. Get a new friend.

b. Tell your other friends about the problem.

c. Tell your pastor about the issue.

d. Talk to your friend directly.

2. In which book of the Bible do we find this counsel: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

a. The Gospel of John

b. Romans

c. Titus

d. Hebrews

3. Many Christians are suprised to learn that the Apostle Paul had such a sharp disagreement with a fellow leader that they parted company.  Who was that believer?

a. Timothy

b. Titus

c. Barnabas

d. Silas

4. True or false?  The NT teaches that God will destroy those who destroy his church.

5. The NT mentions the names of specific troublemakers in its pages.  Which person is not mentioned as a troublemaker?

a. Stephanas

b. Diotrephes

c. Philetus

d. Alexander

6. What does the NT say that a church should do with members who abuse and slander others?

a. Love on them real good.

b. Break their necks.

c. Report them to denominational headquarters.

d. Identify them, confront them, and if they’re unrepentant, remove them from the church.

7. If people in a church accuse their pastor of wrongdoing, which of the following should NOT happen to the pastor?

a. He should be kicked out immediately.

b. He should be treated with dignity and respect.

c. He should be treated without partiality.

d. He should be able to face his accusers in private before he’s accused in public.

Answers:

1. d

Jesus tells His followers in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

Most relational and church conflicts would be resolved if we’d just put that one verse into practice.

2. b

This verse is found in Romans 12:18.  It tells us that while we can control our responses to other people, we can’t control their responses.

3. c

The story is found in Acts 15:36-41 and has been a blessing to many Christians … because try as we might, most of us have found that there are Christians we like with whom we cannot serve.  On this occasion, Paul and Barnabas parted company over the value of John Mark.

4. True.  Paul states in 1 Corinthians 3:16-17: “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?  If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”

The pronoun “you” in these verses is plural. The temple mentioned here isn’t the temple of our body (as in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20) but the place where God dwells with his people. Destroy a church, and God will destroy you. I didn’t say it … I’m merely pointing it out.

5. a

The household of Stephanas is mentioned in 1 Corinthians 16:15 as being Paul’s first converts in Achaia.  John had a problem with Diotrepehes in 3 John 9-10.  Paul had problems with the other two guys in 1 and 2 Timothy.

6. d

But churches today don’t do this.  We prematurely forgive antagonists and troublemakers without ever rebuking them or asking them to repent.  It’s like we’ve cut these verses out of our Bibles because we lack the courage to obey Scripture.

7. a

1 Timothy 5:19-21 lays out principles for dealing with pastors and church leaders in a fair way that are accused of wrongdoing.  Paul tells us in verse 21 that all of heaven is watching the way a local church deals with its pastor.  However, many … if not most … churches restort to option “a.”  If the pastor is accused of doing something wrong, he’s assumed to be guilty and is driven out of the church.  This is a scandalous plague that needs to be eradicated in Christian churches.

How did you do?  Let me know if you got 100%.

I apologize for sending out two of these quizzes prematurely.  I hit the “enter” button twice trying to format the outline.

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Bilbo Baggins and Two-Faced Christians

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Current Church Issues on March 12, 2012| 4 Comments »

There’s a scene in the first Lord of the Rings film – The Fellowship of the Ring – that reminds me of some Christians that I’ve known.

While relaxing in gorgeous Rivendell – right before the Fellowship takes off for Mordor – Frodo reunites with Bilbo.  After Bilbo offers Frodo his sword and the protective Mithril, Frodo unbuttons his shirt to reveal the ring.  The kindly Bilbo tells Frodo how much he’d like to hold it one last time, but when Frodo buttons his shirt back up – indicating he doesn’t want Bilbo to touch it – Bilbo snarls, his face turns hideous, and he lunges at Frodo.

I’ve seen that look before … on the faces of Christian people.

I’m thinking in particular of three kinds of two-faced believers:

First, there’s the believer who praises God on Sunday and dishonors God during the week.

I once knew a man who hit on women at church.  Every week, he’d sit next to or near a different woman, brazenly making his intentions known.  I didn’t find out about his approaches until he hit on a high school girl.  (He left the church right before I threw him off the property.)

One night, I was channel-surfing and ran across a telecast of a worship service from a megachurch in our area.  A man in the front row was singing gustily to the Lord with his hands outstretched.

Guess who?

By the measure of some Christians, the enraptured believer on the front row just HAD to be a spiritual man.  However, I knew differently … and so did the Lord.

I’m reminded of David’s words in Psalm 24:3-4: “Who may ascend the hill of the Lord?  Who may stand in his holy place?  He who has clean hands and a pure heart …”

Sometimes we worship God with two faces, don’t we?

Second, there’s the believer who shows one face to their pastor and another to their friends.

I once knew a woman who displayed a face of sweetness and innocence in public.  She developed a reputation as a kind and loving person who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

But there was another side to her that most people never saw.

One time, I confronted her about undermining me.  She completely denied it … and her face resembled Bilbo’s when he eyed the ring around Frodo’s neck.  It was unbelievable.

Now here’s the kicker: she undermined me all the time.  I knew she was doing it, but she never knew that I knew.

She displayed one face around me … and another face when I wasn’t around.

James 5:11-12 says, “Brothers, do not slander one another …. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy.  But you – who are you to judge your neighbor?”

But I can act differently around pastors, too.

Our church just hired a new teaching pastor.  He’s really good.  After yesterday’s service, my wife and I left the worship center and doubled back toward the grill for a hamburger lunch … and ran right into the teaching pastor, who was on the patio after the service.

This is more unusual than it sounds.  There were thousands of people on campus at the time.

Because we enjoyed and benefited from his message, we walked right up to him and told him so.  We engaged in conversation for a couple minutes … and he asked me to send him a copy of my book (which is finished and going out for endorsements).

But imagine that right after the service, I criticized his message instead.  Would I have wanted to meet him?

Nope, I would have avoided him at all costs.

There’s a lesson in there somewhere.

Finally, there’s the believer who can see faults in others but not in themselves.

True or false: a Christian should never confront another person about their behavior.

That is so false.

Jesus tells us we can in Matthew 7:3-5.  He asks why we focus on the specks of sawdust in another person’s eyes while ignoring the plank in our own eye.  And then He says:

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (verse 5).

It’s okay for a follower of Jesus to remove small faults from the eyes of other believers … as long as we’ve removed the large faults in our own lives first.

And that process can take quite a while.

I once knew a man who was kind and loving and hospitable.  To me, he was a phenomenal Christian.  He constantly let me know that he cared about me and listened to me and prayed with me.  I haven’t seen him for many years, and I miss him very much.

But he didn’t seem to have time to criticize others because he was so focused on his own imperfections.  He was brutally honest about them, too … and his authenticity drew me toward him.

While he was honest about his own faults, he was gracious toward the faults of others … including mine.

That, my friends, is the indication of a truly spiritual man or woman.  Whether in public or in private, he seemed to wear only one face.

But hypocrites wear two or more faces, depending upon who they’re with at the time.

May I encourage you: wear only one face in all times and places – and before all people.

Just like Jesus did.

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Hypercritical Christians, Part 2

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on March 9, 2012| 5 Comments »

Jesus once summarized the entire Old Testament Law this way:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37).

God wants us to love Him with our minds.

He wants us to use our brains to distinguish between truth and falsehood and good and evil.

This means that the Lord wants us to critique the culture we live in, the speakers we hear, the books we read, and all that goes on around us.

In that sense, it is good to be critical, as I mentioned two articles back when I asked, “When is Christian Criticism Right?”

However, there are professing Christians in every church who are hypercritical.

They aren’t involved in spiritual ministry and look for flaws in their church and pastor.

Here are two more traits of Christian hypercritics:

For starters, Christian hypercritics rejoice when other Christians fall. 

When a hypercritic hears about a scandal involving a Christian leader, they’re actually happy about it.  As they recount the details to their friends, they feel good inside . . . as if they have ascended a spiritual ladder one rung because someone higher up fell all the way down.

And when someone’s marriage in the church is on the rocks . . . or the teenage girl of a prominent family gets pregnant out of wedlock . . . or a staff member says something stupid in a worship service . . . they love passing on that information to their network and consider it to be good news.

But in the Love Chapter, Paul says that “love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:6).

From a pastoral perspective, when churchgoers publicly sin or privately hurt, it’s not good news, it’s bad news.  God can turn the bad news into good news, but it takes a lot of prayer, love, and time for that to happen.

But the hypercritic rejoices when others hurt because the pain of others gives them something to talk about.

Finally, Christian hypercritics apply ministry to others, not themselves.

When I was in seminary, I took homiletics (preaching) from the late Howard Yim.  One day in class, Howard surprised me with something he said.

After a sermon, a pastor sometimes asks people to close their eyes and raise their hands if they’d like to make some kind of commitment to God as a believer.

Howard mentioned that he sometimes raised his hand after such a message.  I thought to myself, “You do?”

Up to that time, part of me thought that Howard was too cool to need changing.  But when he heard God’s Word preached – even though he taught preaching – his heart was open to the Lord’s work in his life.

I suddenly realized that as a preaching student, I was more interested in how a preacher crafted his message than how that message could impact my life.

Instead of hearing a message and thinking, “I hope my wife’s catching that point . . . and Joe over there needs to listen to that verse with both ears . . . and those gossips in the back need to pay attention to this …” – I’d apply the message 100% to my own heart.

I’d block out everybody else and just focus on what God was saying to me.

Hypercritical Christians won’t do that, though, because they’re critical of everyone but themselves.

As Paul asked in Romans 2:21-22: “You, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself?  You who preach against stealing, do you steal?  You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery?  You who abhor idols, do you rob temples?”

A key mark of spiritual growth is that you apply God’s Word to your life, not the lives of everybody else.  Let the Holy Spirit work in their lives … and realize you’re not the Holy Spirit.

I’d write more about hypercritical Christians . . . but I’m coming dangerously close to becoming one myself.

What are your thoughts about hypercritical believers?

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Hypercritical Christians, Part 1

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! on March 7, 2012| 2 Comments »

During the old Muppets show on television, Kermit and Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear and Cookie Monster and the gang were doing their best to put on a show on stage with different guest stars every week.

But up in the balcony, two old codgers ridiculed much of what they did.  These self-appointed critics didn’t sing or dance or act (although they were funny at times).  Instead, they hypercriticized whatever the Muppets did.

The spirit of those critics lives on in way too many churches today.

Let me share with you two qualities of a Christian hypercritic (I’ll finish up next time):

First, hypercritics aren’t involved in spiritual ministry.  You might find them on the facility team, or running the soundboard, or counting money – all worthwhile endeavors – but hypercritics tend to avoid getting too close to God.

For that reason, you won’t find them at a prayer meeting, or in a small group, or sharing their faith.

Hypercritics prefer not to stand on the front lines and fight shoulder to shoulder with their fellow soldiers.

Instead, they’d rather do their own thing – while focusing on the backsides of those on the front lines.

In the initial episode of Black Adder (a British comedy starring Rowan Atkinson of Mr. Bean fame), the king calls all able-bodied men out to battle the following morning.  Black Adder oversleeps and meanders toward the battle on his horse … but rides away instead.  When he sees the back of a solider standing by a tree, Black Adder sneaks up and cuts off his head … only to realize that he cut off the head of his own king!

That, my friends, is an all-too-accurate picture of a Christian hypercritic.

Christians on the front lines don’t have time to hypercriticize everybody else.  They’re too busy serving their King and waging war with the enemy.

But hypercritics are rarely visible – possibly so that others won’t hypercriticize them.

Please don’t misunderstand: I am not saying that every believer who isn’t on the front lines is a hypercritic.  (No believer can serve on the front lines forever.)  However, you’ll find most Christian hypercritics as far away from the real battle as they can get.

Second, hypercritics look for flaws in their pastor and church.  Remember what the Pharisees and their allies did to Jesus?  Right at the beginning of His ministry, they watched Him heal a man with a shriveled hand on the Sabbath … and began to plot how to kill Him (Mark 3:1-6).

For the rest of Jesus’ ministry, His opponents spied on Him relentlessly.  He became a threat to their authority and influence, so they tried to find something they could use to discredit and destroy Him.

A few years ago, I took a class on conflict management from Dr. David Augsburger at Fuller Seminary.  During the week, a former megachurch pastor (whose name I knew well) was the class chaplain.  If you wanted to meet with him, he’d schedule a time for you.

I immediately asked if we could have lunch together, and we went out for pizza.  During our time together, he told me how he served the same church for nearly 30 years … and how nasty so many of the people were.  He said no matter how well he preached on Sunday, or how well the services or ministries went, he knew he’d receive a barrage of criticism the next day.

I had visited this pastor’s church and admired it from afar … and had no idea those people were so mean.

Hypercritical Christians find flaws in everything at their church:

*The pastor’s message was too short … or long.

*The pastor didn’t dress appropriately.

*I didn’t like his introduction … or his illustrations … or his applications … or the way he read Scripture … or his attempts at humor … or his accent … or his enunciation … or his haircut … or his voice …

*The music went too long … or we should have had more hymns … or the guitar was too loud … or I didn’t like the soloist … or the mix was bad … or I didn’t know any of the songs … and on and on and on.

It’s one thing to notice things that go wrong at church.  It’s another thing to look for things to go wrong.

Hypercritics want things to go wrong … so they can gripe about them later on.

I guess that makes them feel important … but I have yet to find the spiritual gift of hypercritic in the New Testament.

What are some other qualities of hypercritics that you’ve noticed?

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