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Archive for the ‘Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians’ Category

The Best Deal in the Universe

Posted in Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories on April 6, 2012| 2 Comments »

When I was in my early teens, our local radio station did something every Good Friday that now seems unbelievable.

For 15 minutes – from 3:00 to 3:15 in the afternoon – they did an audio narration of the crucifixion of Jesus as if seen by an eyewitness.

Up to that time, I didn’t know much about Good Friday.  I knew that Jesus died on a Friday, but the churches I attended didn’t celebrate that day, focusing all their efforts on Easter instead.

But that annual radio broadcast really brought it home for me.

Most of us are aware of the events of Good Friday … but how about its meaning?

The meaning of Good Friday is found in my favorite verse: 2 Corinthians 5:21.  Paul writes:

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”

At a point in time, God the Father made God the Son something He was not.

He made Him sin.

The Son incarnate became Sin incarnate.

When did that happen?  On the cross … on Good Friday.

I cannot imagine what it’s like to become sin.

There are sins I know about … sins I’ve read about, or seen depicted in movies … but I don’t even want to think about them.

There are sins I’ve committed that I never want to think about again.

There are sins I’ve been tempted to commit but haven’t … sins that nearly frighten me because of their repercussions.

But on that cross, Jesus became sin itself.

He became pride.  He became lust.  He became slander.  He became murder.

He became violence, and rape, and betrayal, and abuse … every sin you can think of.

No wonder Jesus felt forsaken by His Father.  No wonder the Father turned His back on His Son.

Why did Jesus do this?  Paul tells us:

“… that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”

The Son became sin that we might become righteous.

How does that happen?

If we admit our sinfulness to God … and trust Christ’s work on the cross for us … we gain divine righteousness.

Our sin … for His righteousness.

It’s the best deal in the universe.

I made that deal when I was six years old.  With my father kneeling beside me, I told Jesus that I was a sinner.  I asked His Son to become my Savior.

He did.

It’s the best deal I’ve ever made.

It cost me nothing.  It cost Jesus everything.

This is why we call the Friday before Jesus died Good Friday.

It initially looked like Very Bad Friday … until the events of three days later took place.

It’s only Good Friday in retrospect.

It’s why I sing with my brothers and sisters worldwide:

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present all too small,

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

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Can You Say “I’m Sorry?”

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians on February 15, 2012| 2 Comments »

While putting the finishing touches on the book I’m writing, I ran across this quotation from attorney Carl Lansing in his book Legal Defense Handbook for Christians in Ministry:

“The experts also indicate that very often a straightforward, genuine ‘I’m sorry’ is the key to unlocking a bitter legal debate . . . . ‘I’m sorry’ should not be seen as an apology from God.  Rather, His servants are imperfect and, on occasion, do cause harm.”

John Denver once had a song called “I’m Sorry.”  (I didn’t like it, but it hit Number One.)

Elton John sang, “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

Chicago sang, “Hard to Say I’m Sorry.”

And the Gin Blossoms had an album, Congratulations … I’m Sorry.  (Love their sound.)

When All in the Family was the top show in the nation in the 1970s, Archie Bunker mockingly criticized anyone who he felt was wrong, but when he was wrong, he just couldn’t say … “I’m sorry.”

Why can’t we admit we’re wrong at times?

Maybe we have a certain image of ourselves that we feel we must maintain at all times.

Maybe we’re afraid that if we confess a sin, someone important will turn their backs on us.

Maybe we don’t agree with our accusers that we did or said anything wrong.

Maybe it’s just our pride.

Or maybe it’s a combination of the above.

When I was a kid, I stole a piece of candy from Food Giant.  While I was clever enough to take it, I forgot to eat it, and my mother found it in my pants pocket.

She made me go back to the store and tell somebody, “I’m sorry.”

I felt awful.

Then she taught me 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

My part?

Confess my sins.  Agree with God that I messed up.  Tell God “I’m sorry” for breaking His law.

His part?

Forgive my sins.

Since He’s just, forgiving doesn’t violate His nature.

Since He’s faithful, He’ll forgive me every time I confess.

Yet for some reason, it’s easier to confess my sins to God than to others.

And this is especially true during a church conflict.

Christian conflict expert Speed Leas describes five levels of conflict.

If God’s people can keep a conflict at levels one or two, they can often resolve matters with a simple “I’m sorry.”

But when conflict escalates to levels four and five, Christians grant themselves blanket exonerations while demonizing their opponents.

At level four, believers wish to defeat their “enemies.”

At level five, they want to destroy them.

And when matters escalate to those levels:

*believers cannot resolve matters without outside help (a consultant, a mediator, a conflict manager)

*believers are unlikely to admit their part in the conflict for a long, long time

In other words, they’re convinced that in this situation, they’re 100% right and their opponents are 100% wrong.

Really?

Let’s be honest.  We all sin and fall short of the glory of God.  That was true at conversion, and it’s still true today.

We haven’t yet entered into a sinless state.

So that means that we mess up at times.

And when we do, we need to be honest enough to tell …

*our spouse

*our kids

*our parents

*our boss

*our co-workers

*our pastor

*our leaders

“Hey, I’m sorry.  I messed up.  Will you forgive me?”

I know people who never say those two words.  It’s hard to get close to them.  They seem inhuman.

Only one person never needed to say, “I’m sorry.”

And He’s the One who longs to hear you say it to Him so He can restore you to favor.

All together now: “I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t so bad, was it?

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Conflicts at Downton Abbey

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians on February 13, 2012| 3 Comments »

Yes, I watch Downton Abbey.

And yes, I like the show.

I’m a sucker for almost anything British.  I bought a multi-region DVD player last year (they’re inexpensive) so I could order unedited shows from Amazon.co.uk (much better values) instead of buying their American counterparts.

I love Blackadder, Inspector Morse, A Touch of Frost, Midsomer Murders, Inspector Lewis (my favorite), Fawlty Towers, Spooks (the British version of 24), and yes, Mr. Bean.

And for me, the Sherlock Holmes shows starring Jeremy Brett are in a class by themselves.

So when I saw Season 1 of Downton Abbey for sale on Amazon several months ago – at a great price – I snatched it up.

The first season is a pre-World War 1 drama about a family that lives in a large English abbey.  The underlying plot line is that the family lacks a male heir to inherit their estate, which leads to all kinds of romantic and political intrigue.

The aristocrats and servants try and maintain their boundaries and spaces, but everyone gets involved in everyone else’s lives.

The second season occurs during the Great War.  My wife and I plan to finish watching Season 2 tonight on DVD.

The show has a soap opera quality to it at times, so I may lose my theology membership card if I go further … but let’s live dangerously.

And I’ll try not to reveal plot lines in case you haven’t yet seen the show … or are watching Season 2 now on PBS.

Let me make four comparisons between conflicts on Downton Abbey and conflicts in churches:

First, everybody is a mixed bag of good and evil.

At first, Robert and Cora – the Earl and Countess of Grantham – appear to be fair and flawless individuals.  But as the series moves along, their weaknesses become apparent.

Isobel, their distant relative, has a passion for helping people with medical problems, but as anxiety increases around the abbey, she becomes increasingly controlling.

Violet (played by Maggie Smith), Robert’s mother, believes that traditional ways are best.  I didn’t like her at first, but she has the best (and funniest) lines on the show.

In any church, you might think that the pastor and his wife are flawless, but the more you know them, the more you’ll realize they’re as human and hurting as you are.

And you’ll meet people you liked at first but don’t like later, as well as those you didn’t like at first but eventually come to respect.

Second, everybody has their own internal conflicts.

Mary has a complicated relationship with Matthew, his fiancee, and Sir Richard.  (I don’t understand how these things work, but hey, I’m a guy!)

Sybil is drawn to the socialistic chauffeur but knows that her family doesn’t approve.

Bates is torn between settling his past in London and courting Anna.

And poor Daisy feels pressured to make a huge decision against her own conscience.

So many church conflicts have their origins inside people.  Several years ago, when I contacted a consultant about a conflict I was having with certain leaders, he wanted to know what was going on in their lives before asking about the nature of the conflict.

Third, internal conflicts lead to interpersonal conflicts.

While Mary’s heart leans toward Matthew, her head leads toward Sir Richard … confusing both men.

Mrs. Hughes is torn between helping a servant and letting her rot … causing her to say one thing and do another.

Mrs. Patmore wants to feed the household as cheaply as possible, but when she turns to the black market … she has issues with kitchen personnel.

And Robert (the Earl of Grantham) finds himself drawn to someone new … resulting in confusion.

In church conflict, we notice problems between people because of criticism, harshness, scapegoating, and exaggeration.

But we never see people’s hearts, and they can be filled with jealousy, anger, revenge, and bitterness.

Finally, many characters hide their true feelings.

I like expressive people.  I don’t like to guess what’s going on inside someone’s mind.  For that reason, I admire characters like Violet, and the chauffeur, and Anna, and Sir Richard because they’re open and honest … even if they’re not always wise.

But many of the characters conceal their emotions, and with all the eavesdropping that goes on at Downton Abbey, they’re wise to keep secrets to themselves.

So Mary won’t tell Matthew how she really feels.  She hints, and postures, but withdraws when things start to become intimate.

Carson and Mrs. Hughes respect one another and confide in each other, but neither one feels free to admit how much they like each other.

Sybil conceals her feelings for the chauffeur for a long time.

And poor Edith is afraid to tell anyone how she feels.  (Remember what happened to Little Joe on Bonanza whenever he fell in love with someone?)

It’s my nature to bury people’s personal secrets when they confide in me.  I want people to feel there is at least one person they can trust.

But I don’t like institutional secrets.  When I was leading a church, I felt that people should know as much as they wanted to know about the way the place was run and managed.

But just like in the church, most characters on Downton Abbey can’t keep a secret.  Much of the time, when a character confides in someone, that person runs off and tells others.  (If two characters want to share confidences, why don’t they go for a walk?)  Sharing secrets always makes me cringe, but I guess it’s human nature.

If you’re been watching Downton Abbey, are there other lessons about conflict you’d like to share?

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It’s Never Too Late to Forgive

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination on January 30, 2012| 2 Comments »

Today’s guest blogger is Chuck Austin.  He has been a pastor for many years and is currently serving as a transitional pastor at a church in San Jose, California.  We were talking on the telephone recently and he told me this unusual story that he witnessed.  I thought you’d enjoy reading it!

I arrived at one church where I served immediately following the dismissal of a pastor.  His dismissal had not been handled correctly and resulted in a great many people becoming unhappy, angry, and quite sad.  Many of the people had become disillusioned with their leadership and some called for all of them to step down.

As I listened and heard both sides of the event, I became convinced that the leadership of the church needed to do something proactive.  I even spoke with one of the men to specifically ask him to consider giving an apology to the church.  I left him alone to pray and to let me know when he reached a decision.  I knew that these men needed to go and visit the pastor who had been dismissed (which they all did over a period of time).

One Sunday, as we were getting ready to celebrate communion, the one I had spoken with came to me and told me that he needed to say something to the congregation – and he told me what it was.  He was quite nervous because he didn’t have any idea of the reaction he would receive.  Needless to say, I was excited about preaching God’s Word that Sunday, but I was also excited about this man taking this courageous step.

He spoke in a quiet voice that Sunday and I already knew that a lot of his biggest critics were sitting in the congregation on that particular day.  Following his statements to the congregation, we celebrated communion followed by a closing song and prayer.

Because the man who made this confession was involved in serving communion, he remained at the front of the auditorium following the service.  Immediately, a line of people lined up to hug this man.  Almost every one of them had taken the time to tell me what they thought of him since my arrival.  Now I watched as they waited patiently to talk to him.

There was no mistaking what was on their hearts: forgiveness.  You could see it in their faces, in their embraces, and in their words.  The mistake had been made and acknowledged and the congregation was there to show its support and love for the integrity the man showed.

Standing on the Word of God and doing what it says should never cause fear in any of us because when we attempt what the Lord has told us to do, He’s there to empower us.

On that particular Sunday, it made me proud to be a pastor, but even more proud to see someone take God’s Word and do the biblical mandate … and demonstrate that it’s never too late to ask for forgiveness.

And it’s never too late for a congregation to respond by forgiving as they themselves have been forgiven by God!

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Conflict Lessons from War Horse

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles on January 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

There’s an inspiring scene in Steven Spielberg’s new film War Horse that sheds light on the conflicts in our lives.

Joey, the war horse, is trapped in barbed wire in No Man’s Land during World War 1.  An English soldier spots him through the mist and boldly leaves his trench to free him.  Holding up a white flag to declare a temporary ceasefire – with his buddies in the trench calling for his return – the soldier reaches Joey but cannot free him alone.

A German soldier emerges from his fortifications to help Joey as well, and he knows how to remove the barbed wire from Joey’s body.  The German secures wire cutters and both men proceed to liberate this extraordinary horse – while keeping a wary eye on the other.

While the enemies work together to free Joey, they illustrate four lessons we can learn about conflict:

First, view combatants as humans.  After working on Joey, both men share their names with each other.  They aren’t faceless persons stuffied into combat fatigues, but real people with hopes and histories.

When fortified inside their own trenches, soldiers on both sides demonized their opponents as threats to be eradicated.  But when they began to work together, they grasped that their enemies weren’t evil spirits, but normal people like themselves.

Second, move toward each other.  As long as both men remained in their trenches, Joey’s life was in danger.  But when the two soldiers took the risk of standing next to each other, they were able to do together what they couldn’t do alone.

When we’re having a conflict with a spouse or a boss or a pastor, it’s human nature to stay hidden in our own trench so we feel safe.  But when we emerge from our safety and stand near our opponent, we open up the possibility for healing.

Third, speak with your combatant.  While working on Joey, the two men discussed the impact the war was having on them.  They knew that after the ceasefire, they’d start lobbing bombs at each other again.  I sensed that if not for the war, these men would have freed Joey and then shared a meal together.  But at least they talked with each other directly.

If Christians just followed Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15, most conflicts between Christians – and inside churches – would instantly die: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

When in conflict with others, our natural tendency is to move away from them and to tell others about them.  But Jesus says to move toward them and speak to them directly instead.

Finally, people desire peace, not conflict.  During Spielberg’s combat scenes, the soldiers battle their feelings and try to slaughter their opponents, but nobody enjoys war except masochists.  It’s normal to get to know another person.  It’s abnormal to try and kill them.

I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  When the two soldiers had liberated Joey, they both claimed him as their own, and could have started their own conflict – but they flipped a coin for him instead.

This scene in this film was so moving that I plan to show it when I teach on conflict.

If you haven’t seen War Horse yet, it’s a film of grandeur and sensitivity.  But be forewarned – there are some real tear-jerking moments.

But I will always remember it because of two soldiers from opposing armies who united together to free a horse.

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Confronting People Wisely

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged on December 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Years ago, a friend asked me to breakfast.  I had no idea what his agenda was.

Since we served together at church, I assumed we’d be discussing the ministry.

But he wanted to discuss something else: the way I’d been acting recently.

My friend told me that my attitude was alienating other church leaders.  Up to that point, I was unaware there was a problem.

He let me know lovingly but firmly that my attitude needed to change … and he gave me a letter reiterating his points, just in case I didn’t hear him accurately.  (I still have the letter.)

I have always been grateful for my friend’s actions because he confronted me in the precise way that Scripture commands.

Let’s assume that someone in your circle of influence has been displaying harmful attitudes or practicing destructive activity – and it’s negatively affecting your relationship with him or her.

My favorite verse to use during such times is Galatians 6:1-2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

How can you confront your friend wisely?  Let me quickly suggest five ways:

First, prepare your heart spiritually.  Galatians 6:1 says that only “you who are spiritual” should be involved in confronting others of sin.  Those who are reluctant to be involved are the most qualified, while those who are eager to confront others should leave the job to someone else.

Before you take any further steps, pray for the person, their situation, and your role in any confrontation.  Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know if you’re the right person to speak with your friend – and it will require divine courage.

Second, ask to meet with them in person.  Do your best not to confront someone via email or texting or the telephone if it’s a personal matter.  (Work-related issues may occasionally require using those means, though they’re not optimal.)

Instead, set up an appointment … but avoid telling them why you want to meet with them.  If you do, your friend may insist you reveal your agenda immediately – or they may choose not to meet with you at all.

Some people prefer a public place, like a restaurant, because it minimizes the chance that one party will make a scene.  On the other hand, if you need strict confidentiality, you may want to choose a more private location.

Third, express your love for the person … lovingly.  Let them know that you value them as a friend, that you’ve had some great times together, and that you hope your friendship will continue for years.  Help your friend feel safe and secure in your presence.  Author and professor David Augsburger calls this care-fronting.

Most of us only make lasting changes in life in the context of unconditional love.

When you meet your friend, they’ll see the concern on your face, which can’t be done through email or phone conversations.

Fourth, share your concerns gently and humbly.  Referring back to Galatians 6:1 above, sharing gently means you don’t scream, or use sarcasm, or convey a preachy tone.  Instead, you speak softly and slowly, even in measured tones.  In tennis terms, lob the ball over the net so they can easily hit it back.

And when you share humbly, realize that (a) you may have been guilty of the same sin in the past, (b) you are currently guilty of sins that your friend has never mentioned to you, and (c) you may be guilty of the identical sin you’re discussing with your friend in the future.

It’s possible that someday, you and your friend will reverse roles … so ban all self-righteousness from your life!

Finally, specify the behavior that concerns you, finishing with a question.  Examples:

“I love you, brother, but I’ve seen you inappropriately touching some women recently.  Am I seeing things accurately?”

“I’ve heard you criticize our pastor behind his back recently.  Are you aware of this?”

“You’ve missed four church services in a row.  Is life going okay for you?”

“I read something on your Facebook page recently that alarmed me.  May I tell you what it is?”

When you ask a question, you’re inviting a dialogue.  You’re not a prosecuting attorney, but a friend.  If your friend doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, you may have to share some examples of their misbehavior.

However, since you may be wrong either in your observations or your conclusion, stay humble!

In my second youth pastorate, my pastor confronted me about a financial issue.  He warned me, “Never borrow money from a church.”  I asked him what he was referring to, and he told me that he heard that the governing board had given me $107 to fix my car.  (I had been driving the youth kids all over creation – without a mileage allowance – so the board chose to pay my expenses without informing the pastor.)

I assured the pastor that the $107 was a gift, not a loan.  If I had to do it again, I’d thank him for his concern but encourage him to check out the story with a board member.

The aim of a confrontation is never shame, or guilt, but always restoration.  Jesus talks about “winning” your brother in Matthew 18:15-16.  You’ve noticed that your friend has become stuck in life, and in the words of Galatians 6:2, you want to help carry his or her burdens.

Will a confrontation like this work?  I once read where Charles Swindoll said it works about half the time.  Confronting someone is admittedly risky because you can end a relationship forever.

But on the other hand, confronting someone can also strengthen your bond with them.

How did things turn out when my friend confronted me many years ago?

We became even better friends … lifelong friends … and we enjoyed a three-hour lunch yesterday!

What additional ideas do you have for confronting people?

_____

Happy 2012 to all of my readers!  I’m nine views short of 11,000, so thank you for reading.  I never dreamed I’d have that many.  Some blogs receive thousands of views every day, and that would be nice … but I’m content with anyone who is helped by my articles.

If you want to suggest a topic, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

Meet you here next year!

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Forgiving Offenders … Jesus’ Way

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Please Comment! on December 28, 2011| 3 Comments »

His words still reverberate in my ears.

25 years ago, I served as pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.

People attend small churches for various reasons.  Near the top of the list is significance.

Many churchgoers want to have a say in decision-making, so leaders schedule lots of “business meetings.”

We had such a meeting one Sunday night after the evening service.

A woman made a statement in the meeting.  While I cannot recall her precise wording, she mentioned something positive about her Bible teacher, who was also a board member.

The board member interpreted her comment in a negative manner.  He quickly yelled out a response in front of the entire church, mentioning her indirectly.

The meeting was spinning out of control – and the moderator stood there in silence.

A few days after the meeting, I contacted the shouting board member and told him that he needed to apologize to the entire congregation for his behavior.

(If you sin in the presence of one person, you need to apologize to that one person.  Sin in front of a group, apologize to that group.  Sin in front of the congregation, apologize to the congregation.)

It took courage for me to speak with him.

He was twice my age.

He had been a pastor and a missionary in the past.

He was an intimidating individual.

He had vented his wrath on me at times, too.

But he had crossed a line, and he needed to acknowledge his mistake in front of his church family.

Sometimes we had guests on Sunday mornings, so that wasn’t the optimal time for his apology.

I invited him instead to make his apology during our next Sunday evening service when only our church family was present.

It was a so-so apology – maybe good for him, although not as sincere as I would have liked.

If the board member hadn’t apologized, I would have asked him to step down from the board.  Yes, leaders mess up, just like everyone else, but when we do, we need to make things right by admiting our sins and requesting forgiveness – especially when we sin in a public setting.

In this case, we forgave him, and that was that.

If this incident happened in your church, how would it have been handled?

Some Christians prefer to deny that anything happened.

Others excuse such misbehavior.

A few believers choose to avoid the sinner in the future.

Some decide to ostracize the offender instead.

And some believers quickly forgive the person without waiting for any type of confession on the offender’s part.

The church as a whole tends to ignore Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Notice the sequence: Your brother sins.  You rebuke him.  He repents.  You forgive him.

But we tend to ignore the rebuking and the repenting steps.  It’s too much work … and, truth be told, we often lack the courage to rebuke anyone … even our kids or friends.

So when our brother sins, we take a shortcut.  We instantly forgive him … but we really choose to overlook his sin instead.

That doesn’t help him at all.  He’s more susceptible to repeating his behavior.

And some people will choose to tiptoe around the offender from then on.

In the process, we teach our church that when you sin, nothing happens.

I seek to practice these words of Jesus in my own life and ministry.

They deal with sin realistically.

They heal relationships.

They provide true reconciliation.

This week, when a Christian brother or sister sins, gently rebuke him or her so they will repent.  In essence, Jesus says, “No repentance, no forgiveness.”  (Re-read the second half of verse 4 above.)

And when they repent, let them know you forgive them.

That’s Jesus’ way.

If Christians obeyed Luke 17:3-4, we’d have far less conflict and broken relationships in our churches.

And that’s the biblical way of dealing with sinning Christians.

So why don’t we do it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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Shadow Christians and Post-Conflict Pain

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church on November 30, 2011| 6 Comments »

I recently attended a conference for church consultants.

The theme of the conference was how to turn around a church, especially one that’s sick or dying.

We heard presentations from top consultants like Aubrey Malphurs, Paul Borden, and Gary McIntosh.  Gary introduced me to Carl George, a legend in the field.

Some presentations dealt with the recommendations that a consultant might make to turn a church around, especially if the previous pastor left under less than optimal circumstances.

During my time at the conference, I never heard anyone discuss what to do with those Christians who were still in pain after their pastor left.

Here’s a common scenario:

A pastor and the governing board aren’t getting along.  The pastor wants to reach out more into the community and win people to Christ, while the board prefers to focus on building up Christians inside the church.

While a few people in the church are aware of the problem, most can’t tell there’s anything wrong at the top.

Until one day, the low-level conflict explodes into the congregation as a whole.  Some people start accusing the pastor of various misdeeds.  Rumors abound.  Groups huddle together on Sundays.  People begin taking sides.

And suddenly many of the people in this nice, loving church begin to demonize each another.

The pastor becomes so demoralized and battered that he can’t manage the conflict effectively.  He feels rejected and plunges into depression.  Some call for his resignation.  Others mount a campaign to get rid of him.

His sin?  He let the conflict happen – and he hasn’t yet fixed it.

While some people relish this kind of in-fighting, most believers lack the stomach for it.  Some flee the church for good.  Others stay at home and wait for more peaceful times.  Some organize and press the pastor for his resignation and begin dreaming of taking over the church when he finally leaves.

Over on the sidelines, there’s a contingent of the church who are shocked by what’s happening.  Everything they see and hear brings them pain.  They love their pastor.  They love the board and the staff.  They have many friends in the church, and now they see Christians acting unchristian.

It grieves them.  They’re confused, hurt, repulsed, demoralized, paralyzed.

These people watch their pastor resign.  They watch some people rejoice at his departure.  They watch as the church hires a transitional pastor and puts together a search team for a new pastor.

And all the while, nobody ever told them what the conflict was about or why their pastor left.

But they watch from the shadows because they don’t want to say or do anything that will make matters worse.  Let’s call them Shadow Christians.

They just hope that when the transitional pastor comes, he will address their pain.

And they hope that someday, they’ll be able to express their sorrow to opinion-makers inside the church as well.

The interim pastor comes, and he preaches on unity, but he never addresses the concerns of the Shadow Christians, either through his messages or on an individual basis.

Then the transitional pastor leaves, and the new pastor is hired.  Once again, the Shadow Christians hope that their new pastor will address their pain, but he assumes that the transitional pastor did all that, and besides, he’s eager to lead the church into winning new people for Christ.

So the Shadow Christians feel marginalized.

They lose their motivation for serving.  They start finding reasons to miss a Sunday here or there.

And no one seems to notice.

Mind you, these people aren’t troublemakers.  They’re the quiet, faithful people who built the church.

They prayed for the pastor, board, and staff every day.  They discovered their spiritual gifts and used them excitedly.  They gave sacrificially to the building campaign.

But now … they’re relegated to the shadows.

And because they’ve become hidden, they decide to slip away and see if anybody misses them.

And no one does.

So they leave … for good … still in pain.

Maybe, they hope, I will receive healing at my next church.

But they’re not eager to serve, or give, or even attend regularly … because they still hurt so bad.

And here’s the sad part … if someone had noticed them, and sat down with them, and listened to them, and cared about them, they might have experienced healing, and stayed in their church, and continued to be a blessing to others.

But rather than make waves, they slipped quietly out the back door … for the last time.

And by the time anyone noticed, they were long gone.

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The Museum of Your Life

Posted in Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories on November 22, 2011| 2 Comments »

It’s quiz time.  What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when I say …

Moses?

Maybe the term “leader,” or the ten plagues, or the Ten Commandments.

Shakespeare?

Possibly “playwright,” or Hamlet, or Stratford, or even the new film Anonymous.

Barry Bonds?

How about Giants, or 73, or 762, or steroids?

Richard Nixon?

Watergate.

My wife and I visited the Richard Nixon Library and Museum last weekend in Yorba Linda, California.  The place was packed.

Entrance to Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum

Nixon is the only native Californian to be elected President.  For that reason, I heard his name a lot growing up.

He was a Congressman and Senator from California and then Vice-President under Dwight Eisenhower for eight years.  Then he ran for President against John Kennedy in 1960 and barely lost.  When he ran for Governor of California two years later and lost (to current Governor Jerry Brown’s father Pat), most people wrote Nixon’s political obituary.

I remember sitting in the living room of my grandparents’ house in Whittier – where Nixon lived and went to college – in 1968.  My grandfather said, “God help this country if Nixon isn’t elected President.”

Later that year, Nixon held a rally at the Anaheim Convention Center, just a couple miles from my house.  My friend Steve invited me to come and sing in a youth choir, which I did.  We followed a woman all through the Convention Center, certain it was Pat Nixon.  (It wasn’t.)  We later sang, “Nixon’s the One” with everyone else.

This time, Nixon barely won the election, and easily defeated George McGovern for President in 1972.

The left hated Nixon, as did the press, but a lot of significant events occurred during his Presidency, such as the first men landing on the moon …

Apollo 11 Space Suit

and Nixon’s visit to China after more than two decades of world isolation …

Statues of Nixon and Chou-en-Lai

and, of course, Watergate … the third-rate burglary of the Democratic National Headquarters located in the Watergate complex in Washington, DC.

I’m old enough to remember the Watergate hearings featuring John Dean and all the revelations of a secret taping system in the Oval Office … and the shock many of us experienced reading transcripts from those tapes … because our President, who was raised a Quaker, swore profusely on them.

The Nixon Museum has an entire section devoted to Watergate – and nothing is covered up.

And then on August 9, 1974, Nixon resigned the Presidency and flew away on this helicopter:

US Navy Helicopter used during Nixon Presidency

Nearly four years later, I got Nixon’s autograph on a 3×5 card after an Angels-Brewers game at Anaheim Stadium.  Nixon lived down the coast in San Clemente and was a frequent guest of Angel owner Gene Autry.  There were only four of us around him that night, and the Secret Service allowed us to approach the former President because he liked the attention.

When Nixon was finally laid to rest, I remember watching his funeral on television, with Billy Graham presiding.

President Nixon's Gravesite

Why am I writing about Nixon?

Because for many people, he’s remembered for only one thing: the way he left office.

How fair is that?

Nixon was also a multi-instrumentalist, and a brilliant student, and a devoted husband and father, and an expert in foreign affairs, and the author of many books, and a huge sports fan, and a lover of model trains, as we saw when we initially entered the museum:

Model Trains in Nixon Museum

He also appeared on the cover of Time more than anyone else in history: 54 times.

I’m not a big fan of former President Bill Clinton, but I thought that what he said at Nixon’s funeral was the most profound thing I saw all day at the library.  His words are etched above one of the entrances:

Quote from former President Clinton above entrance

He said: “May the day of judging President Nixon on anything less than his entire life and career come to a close.”

Amen.

We’ve all messed up in our lives.

Some of us have nagging habits we’ve never quite been able to shake.

Some of us have done some really stupid things that few people ever found out about.  (While walking around my college recently, I remembered opening emergency doors three separate times during my freshman year.  In each case, I quickly walked away so I wouldn’t get caught.  Thankfully, I’ve never opened one since.)

Some of us finally conquered a temptation as we got older, only to meet an even greater temptation soon afterwards.

If we’re going to remember Nixon only for Watergate, then maybe we should only be remembered for failing a class, or a divorce, or a temper tantrum, or overspending, or committing a crime … but aren’t our lives much more than our mistakes?

Besides, the whole world hasn’t been watching and recording every detail of our lives.

The gospel of Jesus Christ promises that those who repent of their sin and receive Christ are granted complete and lasting forgiveness by God’s grace.  The hope of every believer is that when we stand before God someday, He will not see our sin but Christ living in us.  We want the Lord to evaluate the totality of our lives rather than just focusing on our failures.

When people someday walk through the museum of your life – which may be done either through a written obituary or a memorial service – how do you want them to evaluate you?

That’s how the Lord wants us to evaluate others.

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Truth versus Tranquility

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church on November 4, 2011| 2 Comments »

I’ve seen it all my life.

Maybe you have, too.

Something ominous happens at work … or inside your family … or at church … but nobody is willing to talk about it openly.

Somebody lost their job … or went to jail … or is no longer attending your church … but everything is hush hush.

Is that wise?

The reason I bring this up is because most church leaders that I know are great at covering up stuff.

Let me explain.

Imagine that some individuals inside a church of 300 attendees band together to change the music during worship.  They don’t like guitars and drums and want the church to use the piano and organ instead.

So they begin making demands of the pastor and governing board, threatening to leave the church – and take their offerings with them – unless the pastor capitulates in their favor.

While there are pastors who would cave in at this point, let’s pretend that the pastor of this church refuses to meet the group’s demands.

So the group – composed of 35 people – all leaves the church together and forms another church at the local high school cafeteria (where they can’t have a piano or organ, but that’s another story).

What should the pastor and governing board tell the congregation about what happened?

Here are some options:

(a) Pretend those people never existed and refuse to talk about them again.

(b) Talk about them only inside the confines of staff and board meetings.

(c) Only talk about them if church attendees ask about them.

(d) Tell the whole church during Sunday worship … or in an all-church letter … or in a public meeting.

Which option above would you prefer?

The vast number of leaders I have known would opt for option “a,” including taking their names off the membership roster, church directory, and newsletter list as soon as possible.

Option “b” is a given.  Only certain churches would opt for option “c.”

And few if any churches would opt for option “d.”

However, congregational consultant Peter Steinke has a different take on this matter in his insightful book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times:

“A conflict-free congregation is incongruent not only with reality but even more with biblical theology.  Jesus upset many people emotionally.  The life of Jesus takes place against a backdrop of suspicion, opposition, and crucifixion.  The Christian story is underlined with conflict.  Early on, we encounter the emotional reactivity of the religious leaders, who see Jesus as a threat to their authority and belief system.  Eventually the tension between the roaming preacher and the established religious order comes to a dramatic point.  Tension leads to crucifixion.”

Most of us would agree with those seven sentences.

Steinke continues:

“The church has had divisions from its inception.  No doubt, it has fought senseless battles, squandered its resources on frivolous issues, sent negative signals to society, shattered its unity, and forfeited chances to share its goodwill.  Some churches work through the reactive period and emerge stronger.  Others shuffle from crisis to crisis.  What makes the difference in outcomes?”

(By the way, don’t you just love Steinke’s writing?  He’s good.)

And then he says this:

“Nowhere in the Bible is tranquility preferred to truth or harmony to justice.  Certainly reconciliation is the goal of the gospel, yet seldom is reconciliation an immediate result.  If people believe the Holy Spirit is directing the congregation into the truth, wouldn’t this alone encourage Christians who have differing notions to grapple with issues respectfully, lovingly, and responsively?”

Hmm.  Do you agree with the author at this point?

Then how about this question:

“If potent issues are avoided because they might divide the community, what type of witness is the congregation to the pursuit of truth?”

Using the group of 35 people I mentioned earlier as an example, should the pastor and leaders tell the congregation anything about their departure?

Here is one final statement from Steinke:

“In the early stages of a conflict, it is almost impossible to over-inform.  As much information as possible is needed.  Providing information tends to minimize the need for people to create information for themselves through gossip and embellishments of what they have heard from rumor.  By communicating forthrightly, leaders also treat the members as mature adults who can handle whatever information is shared, not as children who need to be protected from bad news.”

I do not pretend to have the final answer concerning this dilemma, but more and more, I lean toward truth over tranquility.

Someone recently told me about a controversy that surfaced in his church.  Within one week, half the people had left.

This stuff happens, and because pastors know how emotionally reactive some people are whenever they share potentially volatile information, most pastors choose not to mention such issues in public.

Where do you stand on this issue?

For example, if a staff pastor suddenly vanished from your church, do you want the leaders to tell the congregation why?  Or do you think such an announcement would be divisive?

Truth or tranquility?

Your call.

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