Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Personal Stories’ Category

Christmas in Saudi Arabia

Posted in Personal Stories, tagged , , on December 22, 2014| 2 Comments »

Today’s guest blogger is my wife Kim, who discusses how the words “Christmas” and “Arabia” could once be used in the same sentence when she lived in the Middle East more than 40 years ago.  This post has become a Christmas tradition on this blog.  Ah, the magic and romance of the desert …

It seems so long ago.  The years were 1965-1970.  It was Christmas in Saudi Arabia, where my parents were missionaries to the Bedouin people in the desert.

We lived about 100 miles from the now beautiful, modern city of Dubai.

Dubai, May 2011

49 years ago, we traveled by open land rover on non-existing roads surrounded by sand dunes.  It took about 10 hours to travel 100 miles.

Several years ago, I went back to visit where I lived.  I took a taxi to the hospital where we used to work and it only took 1 hour and 15 minutes.  What a difference!

When the Arabs asked me why I was visiting, I told them, “I lived here 46 years ago.”  With amazement, they said, “There was nothing here.”  I said, “You are exactly right.”

In Front of Oasis Hospital, Where Her Father Worked in the 1960s

In Front of Oasis Hospital, Where Her Father Worked in the 1960s

Every year at Christmas time, my brothers, sisters and I came home from boarding school, either in Pakistan or India.  It was only at Christmas time that I saw my parents each year.  I counted every day for months when it was time to go home.  Home was where we had no homework and no strict schedules for two months.

We would get together with friends on the compound.  We hiked, cooked, played games, played tricks on each other, and saw our pets (cats, dogs, gazelles, goats, a donkey, a fox, and a hedgehog).

Sometimes we slept outside up on high beds to keep snakes and scorpions away.  We would wake up in the morning hearing camels eating our dried palm leaf fence.

Life was simple.  We would run around without shoes, help in the hospital, read books, listen to good music, and sit around and just talk.  I loved the simplicity.

When it came to getting a Christmas tree, we were creative.  We chose a thorn bush and brought it home to decorate.  We had fun adorning the tree with popcorn.  We wanted more decorations so we took Kotex and tore it apart to make snow with cotton.  I wasn’t sure my mom was very happy with us.

We learned to make taffy, pulling and pulling until we had a sweet, sticky treat.

But my best memory was camping in the desert.  I remember always having a sinus infection but I was determined to go – so I bundled up and went camping.  Being in the desert at night under a clear sky, you could see every star.  You could see the campfire for miles.  You were surrounded by sand dunes and the sound of nothing.  It was peaceful and quiet.

It must have been how the shepherds, Joseph, and Mary felt when Jesus was born.

Our Christmas service was held outside at night.  The glowing of candles and far off lights made the desert romantic and magical.  I was asked to play the organ and everyone from the compound came and sang Christmas carols.  This was my gift to Jesus.

Oh, the simplicity of Christmas!

Read Full Post »

Thankful For So Much

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , , on November 26, 2014| Leave a Comment »

For many years, I kept a condensed list called “Top Ten Things I’m Thankful For” in my wallet.

Whenever I saw the list … much less read it … I was reminded how much God has blessed me, even when I was having a bad day.

Let me briefly share an updated list of five things I’m thankful for in reverse order:

Number 5: I am thankful for faithful, lifelong friends.

Steve, Dave, Jim and Ken @ VBC August 16, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve made many friends over the years, especially in the 9 churches I’ve served.  In most cases, I’ve lost contact with those people, but I’m thankful for 3 friends who have been there for me no matter what for nearly 50 years … and we all came to attend the same church.

Steve (on the left) and I met on the first day of fifth grade.  He taught me more about sports than anyone I’ve ever known … and beat me in most of them, too.  It’s fitting that he became a high school athletic director and teacher.  He’s the best athlete … and game player … I’ve ever known.

Dave (second from the left) was my constant companion at Biola and Talbot.  We rode to school together … took classes together … and graduated together (twice).  Dave is a well-known pastor and speaker in the Calvary Chapel movement and has a nationwide radio program.  I often watch his sermons on Roku.

Ken (on the right) has been my friend since seventh grade.  He taught me how to play ping pong … invited me to his church (where I eventually met my wife) … and convinced me to go with him to camp at Hume Lake (where I ended up dedicating my life to Christ).  He’s a great dentist, too … I have an appointment with him next week!

What did Clarence the Angel write to George Bailey at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life?  “Remember no man is a failure who has friends.”

That’s how I feel.

Number 4: I am thankful for a Christian upbringing.

Jim with Dad and Mom (2)

From birth, I went to church involuntarily.

But when I was old enough to make up my own mind, I went voluntarily … and never stopped or rebelled.

Maybe that’s a credit to the churches I attended … the friends I made at those churches … or those who taught me God’s Word.

But my parents receive most of the credit.

I grew up in a home where I knew that my father and mother loved me, so it wasn’t difficult to imagine that God loved me, too.

And the older I get, the more grateful I am for parents who were godly role models … read me Bible stories … and took me to church.

IMG_2662

Number 3: I am thankful for two wonderful children: Ryan and Sarah; a special daughter-in-law: Vanessa; and two growing grandchildren: Jack and Liam.

My great kids Ryan and Sarah

IMG_0146

2014-10-10 22.52.15-2 (2)

Kim and I raised our children to love God and each other … and they’re still doing that today, for which I thank God.  I am so proud of my kids.

IMG_9495

IMG_6368

Jack turns two in a few weeks, and Liam turns six months this Monday.  I prayed for grandchildren for a long time, and I’m thankful that God answered that prayer.

Number 2: I am thankful for Kim, my wife of 39 years.

Amy Grant Concert - Trip to Alameda March 2-7, 2010 003

Who you marry largely determines how your life will go.  I married well.

I am grateful to Kim because:

*she tells me what she really thinks and feels.

*she is an incredibly hard worker.

*she always served alongside me in our various ministries without wavering.

*she was – and is – an awesome mother.

*she knows me and still loves me … a great feat indeed!

IMG_0624

Number 1: I am thankful for my salvation in Jesus Christ.

There are two ways to look at life:

*Assume that life is meant to be a utopia and that you should be anxious and angry about anything short of paradise

*Assume that life is a struggle and that you should thank God for every good thing that happens

The greatest thing in my life happened when I was a child and received Jesus Christ.

As Philippians 4:19 says so eloquently, I gained “riches in glory in Christ Jesus” when I became a believer.

And I’ve been drawing on those riches ever since.

Great friends … a godly upbringing … loving children and grandchildren … a wife for life … and salvation in Christ.

Regardless of my income, I am indeed a wealthy man.

Read Full Post »

A Sympathetic Profile of a Church Antagonist

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on November 14, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Have you ever been in a church where someone always seems to be antagonistic?

During my first pastorate, there was a man on the church board who used to drive me insane.  I’ll call him Rudy.

Rudy had been a pastor for many years, but somewhere along the line, his marriage failed, and his denomination prevented him from pastoring again.

Rudy became a public school teacher and married a second time.  When I first met him … at a church board meeting … he was a bit scary.  He was large but short with a booming voice, and it didn’t take much for him to start ranting about something.

Sadly, a few months after I came to the church, Rudy’s second wife filed for divorce and stopped attending.  I went to the board and requested permission to ask Rudy to step down from the board, which they reluctantly granted.  But a few months later, the remaining board members insisted that Rudy be reinstated … mostly because he was their friend.  I didn’t agree with them, but my protests fell on deaf ears.

So Rudy returned … but he was often full of rage.

One night, I was teaching a midweek class about Christ’s resurrection, and I made a point that Rudy didn’t like.  He stood up, shouted into the air, walked to the door, and slammed it behind him, which stunned everybody … especially me.

Another time, our church held a “business meeting,” and Rudy began yelling across the room at someone who said something he didn’t like.  Later that week, I told him that he had to apologize to the entire church the following Sunday or he wasn’t going to be a board member anymore.  So he apologized … sort of.

When I preached, I always had to watch what I said or Rudy might angrily confront me.  One time in a sermon, I mentioned the death and resurrection of Christ but didn’t mention His burial.  After the service, Rudy jumped all over me for that “omission.”

Another time, I wrote a newsletter article that featured some quotations from a British theologian I admired.  Rudy called me at home and let me know he didn’t agree with me at all.

Along the way, Rudy married a third time, and he began teaching the seniors’ class at our church.  Before I knew it, class members began holding secret meetings and making demands to the church board about my future.  When the board stood by me, Rudy’s class left the church en masse and started a new church in a school … one mile from our church.

As Rudy’s pastor, I was constantly on edge whenever he was around.

Why do antagonists like Rudy act the way they do at church?  Let me share three quick possibilities:

First, some antagonists dream of being in church ministry … even as the pastor.

While Rudy had been a pastor, a divorce may be all it takes to end a ministerial career, and Rudy had two of them.  Before he led his class out of our church, he had been trying to return to ministry as a missionary … but no Christian organization could get past those two divorces.

Rudy retained much of the knowledge and skills necessary to pastor again, but he knew it would never occur.  I was in the position that he so desperately coveted.  His anger toward me was his way of saying, “I’m just as good as you are, and if circumstances were different, I’d be where you are.”

Second, some antagonists are desperately seeking significance.

When I first met Rudy, he was 61 years young.  One day, I visited his fourth grade class at school, and he was honored that I was there.  But several years later, he retired and had too much time on his hands.

Dealing with the Rudys in a church can be challenging for a pastor.  If you let Rudy into leadership, he might use his position to build a following and push you out.  But if you don’t let Rudy into leadership, he might push you out anyway.

A better approach for a pastor is to sit down with Rudy … listen to his story … ask him what his hopes and dreams are … and guide him toward those that are feasible.

But to ignore Rudy completely is to dig your own grave.

Finally, some antagonists are tolerated by their church family.             

When people act in an antagonistic fashion, it’s natural to blame them for the way they behave.

However, I believe that there is something inherent in church systems that creates and tolerates antagonistic behavior.

Yes, Rudy bears some responsibility for his overreactions, but God’s people also bear responsibility for allowing him to misbehave time and time again.

When Rudy slammed the door, someone should have confronted him right away.  When he stood up in the business meeting, I shouldn’t have been the one to insist he apologize.

All too often in our church families, the pastor has to confront and correct the misbehavior of leaders by default, and when he does, he leaves himself wide open for retribution, especially if he’s standing alone.

Christians are usually strong but are seldom tough.  When it comes to antagonistic behavior, a church’s leaders need to define what they will and will not tolerate … and we never did that with Rudy.

I wasn’t asked to speak at Rudy’s funeral … no surprise there … but I did attend.  In spite of his temper, I liked Rudy, and I’m sure I will see him someday in heaven, although I’m glad he won’t be able to yell at me anymore!

Because while churches often tolerate antagonism, heaven does not.

Read Full Post »

When Satan Targets the Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on October 31, 2014| 8 Comments »

 

Today is Halloween.

Five years ago on Halloween … 1826 days ago … my wife and I were attacked by the devil.

I’ve never experienced such powerful spiritual warfare in all my life.

Not every Christian … or Christian leader … believes that Satan is alive and doing his best to negate the advance of God’s kingdom.

But put me down as a true believer.

Jesus believed in Satan.  He told Peter, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat” (Luke 22:31).

Peter believed in Satan, calling him “your enemy” and comparing him to “a roaring lion.”  His aim is to look for “someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

John believed in Satan.  He states that “the whole world is under the control of the evil one” and that “the Son of God appeared … to destroy the devil’s work” (I John 5:19; 3:8).

Paul believed in Satan.  He told the Corinthians that Satan might try to “outwit us.  For we are not unaware of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11) and that “Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14).

Jesus … Peter … John … Paul.  When it comes to spiritual authority, it doesn’t get any better than that.

Not only did the Son of God and three of his apostles believe in Satan … each one had met the enemy themselves.

Some days fade with time.  But October 31, 2009 will always remain in my consciousness because of what happened spiritually that day.

That Saturday morning, I consulted with two church experts … met with the church board briefly … met with my wife … watched in horror as she was spiritually attacked … called a friend to assist me in praying for my wife … called the paramedics for assistance … called family members for encouragement and prayer … tried to arrange for a special speaker the next day … met with my daughter … then plunged into an emotional abyss.

All on Halloween … the night of our biggest outreach event of the year … normally led by my wife … who was prevented from attending.

A wise Christian leader told me that he receives more calls concerning church conflict in September and October than any other time of the year.

Is this because churches are making financial plans for the next year … or because Satan’s henchmen are turned loose around Halloween?

Let me share with you three ways that Satan attacked my wife and me during our 50-day conflict:

First, Satan sent fear like we had never experienced it before.

We jumped when the phone rang … when we received an email … when there was a knock at the door … and when we opened the mail.

We even felt afraid inside our own house.

The fear was irrational.  We tried praying it away … commanding it away … running away from it by leaving the house … but the fear remained.

Why were we afraid?

Because some people we thought were our friends had turned against us, and we didn’t know who was in what camp.

In most cases, we still don’t.

I know mentally that Jesus defeated Satan on the cross, and that he has only a “short time.”  But all my theology was put to the test during that time span.

The fear was so great that both my wife and I just wanted to vanish.  In a very real way, we had been “negated.”

And I suppose the worst part of all is that we became afraid to have any contact with the people who attacked us … people who had once been our friends.

Fear creates distance … makes you want to flee … harms your psyche … and stabs your heart.

God is not the author of confusion or fear, but those are both Satan’s specialties.

The fear was real but not of God.

Second, Satan incessantly and falsely accused us of offenses we had not committed.

Pastoring has its challenges, but I think being lied about is the worst thing I’ve experienced in ministry.

All my life, I’ve been careful with money … with women … with the truth … and with power.  While I’ve been tempted to do wrong … just as Jesus was … I’m thankful that I’ve resisted the wrongdoing that leads to scandal.

Then suddenly, some people started making allegations about me.  Each one hurt.  And each one was false.

But I didn’t know who was making them … I didn’t have any forum for answering them … and the longer I waited to respond, the more people believed them.

And when the lies reach critical mass, you’re toast, even if you’re innocent of every single charge.

This is a huge flaw inside Christian churches.  When a pastor is accused of various offenses, he has no fair and just process … or forum … to dispel the charges.

And Satan knows this all too well.

This shouldn’t surprise us.  Jesus labeled the devil “a liar and the father of lies.”  Jesus said that “when he lies, he speaks his native language” (John 8:44).

Whenever a pastor who is under attack contacts me, I ask him to tell me about the lies.  They’re always present.

After my wife and I left the church, a torrent of accusations circulated about us, and many people believed them because we weren’t around to defend ourselves.

I’m sure we only heard a few of the charges, but the ones I heard were deeply troubling, and completely malicious.

And nobody had the courage to ask us about those accusations to our faces.

The only way Satan can get rid of a godly, competent, effective pastor is to lie about him.  When the lies are repeated over and over again, people believe them.

And the evil one is behind it all.

Third, Satan sent the conflict in an attempt to destroy our church.

When Jesus speaks to the seven churches of Asia Minor in Revelation 2,3, He mentions Satan by name when speaking to four of the churches.  Satan was working in those fellowships even when believers weren’t aware of his presence.

If you had asked me several weeks before our conflict surfaced if Satan was circulating throughout our congregation, I would have said, “Probably not.”

But I was wrong.

Our church was located in one of the most unchurched parts of the United States.  Our church was the largest Protestant church by far in a city of 75,000 people … and the most we averaged in a single year was 466.

Slowly but surely, the other churches in town had been attacked, and one by one, they either imploded or folded.

In 2009, I suppose it was our turn to be attacked.

But Satan didn’t choose to attack us through city government, or the planning department, or the neighborhood.

No, he chose to attack us from within.

I may be wrong, but I don’t believe that anyone inside the church wanted to ruin my ministry career.  They just wanted me to leave and never return.

But Satan did want to end my career, and because of my age, that’s precisely what happened.

I’ve written this several times before, but I need to say it again:

When professing Christians attack their pastor, they are attacking their church at the same time.

Aim to destroy (not lovingly confront) the pastor, and you will destroy your church.

Good people will leave.  Donations will shrink.  Outreach will stop.  Morale will plunge.  New believers will get hurt.

It will take years to rebuild your church.  Is that what you really want?

A pastor friend who reads this blog told me that he was ousted for no good reason from a church he had served for many years.

Five years later, the church folded.

Who won … Satan or God?

There are two practical keys to defeating Satan’s influence in your church:

First, always tell the truth about spiritual leaders, including your pastor. 

Never overreact.  Never exaggerate what you’ve heard.  Never believe information that can’t be verified.

Stay calm.  Be accurate.  Remain skeptical.

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

During a major conflict, truth becomes a casualty.  Only the naïve believe the first thing they hear.

Second, never aim to destroy your pastor or your church. 

Don’t hold secret meetings.  Don’t join a mob.  Don’t harm the pastor’s reputation.  Don’t “run him out of the church.”

Watch that righteous anger.  Hang around godly people.  Listen to all sides of the issues.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 are still in The Book: “Don’t you know that you yourselves [the church] are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?  If anyone destroys God’s temple [the church], God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”

Destroy God’s church, and God will destroy you.  I didn’t say it … I’m just pointing it out.

My wife and I have not been defeated.  We are still serving God, though not in church ministry.

Because I did not want Satan’s lies to get the last word, I wrote a book about our last church experience called Church Coup.

I stand behind every word that I wrote.  No one has contacted me to challenge anything in the book.

And God has called me to expose Satan’s strategy which can be summarized in 11 words:

Satan seeks to destroy churches by using deception to destroy pastors.

Please … do not let him win in your church.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Throwing Away a Ministry

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on October 29, 2014| Leave a Comment »

When I started out in church ministry at the age of 19, I didn’t have many Christian books.

I had Unger’s Bible Dictionary … several volumes on Romans by Martyn Lloyd-Jones … and books I inherited from my father and grandfather – both pastors.

The following year, a book came out called The Minister’s Library.  The book was filled with the best recommendations on commentaries and theological works.

I made a list and began acquiring those books any way I could.

My girlfriend …  now my wife … gave me books and wrote little notes in the front.

My family give me books for my birthday, Christmas, and graduation.

The first youth group I served even gave me several sets of books.

I reveled in those books, and acquired a pretty good library over the years … but recently, I’ve been paring down that library.

My wife and I hope to retire in six years or so, and we’re not going to have room for all those books.  (I’ve talked her into keeping 5 of the 9 bookcases we own, though.)

Some books I keep … some I set aside to sell on Amazon (I’ve listed 5 in the past, and sold them all) …  some I plan to send to pastors in Kenya (22 boxes and counting) … and some I hope to sell at a garage sale.

How do I decide which books to keep?

I keep all books:

*relating to conflict.

*signed by the author.

*by certain authors: Alister McGrath … J. I. Packer … R. C. Sproul … John Stott … and Philip Yancey, to name a few.

*that I’ve read, marked up, and envision using again.

*that I still want to read.

I set aside books:

*I never used and never will (Hodge’s Systematic Theology, Word Biblical Commentaries).

*I once used but which now seem dated (Keil and Delitzsch’s OT Commentaries, Hendriksen’s NT Commentaries).

*on church growth (I’m amazed I bought and read so many).

*that I’ve already bought as e-books.

*that I think someone else needs more than me.

When I started this project several months ago, I’d go to our small storage area before sunrise, go through 3 or 4 boxes of books, place them in categories, and be done for the day.

Why go so slowly?

Because I’ve found it difficult to part with most of those books.

When my wife does a project like this, she’ll start in the afternoon and finish late at night.  Bang!  She’s done in one day.

But I find discarding so many books to be a gut-wrenching exercise.

How can I give away books that others gave me as gifts?

How can I set aside books that cost $25 or more?

How can I say goodbye to books that were my father’s or grandfather’s?

How can I discard books I might read if I live to be 95?

Thankfully, I finished going through all my books several days ago.

Then I had to go through several boxes of cassette tapes … including many of my old sermons.  (Those weren’t as hard to toss.)

Yesterday, I threw out a whole box of baseball magazines, including several I’ve kept for 50 years.

Today I started going through several boxes filled with issues of Leadership and The Wittenberg Door … both filled with many great articles.

If I died today, my poor wife or children would have to go through those boxes, but because I want to spare them the agony, I choose to do it myself.

And when I’m done with my books, someday I’ll have to tackle my baseball cards … all 18 huge boxes full.

Thankfully, my wife is cheering me on, but I keep reminding her: “I’ve found a few boxes that you need to go through as well.”

I once heard a wise man say that we should get rid of 10 percent of what we own every year.

Dishes?  Sounds good.

Furniture?  Makes more space.

Clothes?  Call Salvation Army.

Old photos?  Get ’em down to one box.

But books?

They should be among the last items to go.

Because it doesn’t feel like I’m saying goodbye to books.

It feels like I’m throwing away a ministry I built over 36 years.

Most pastors eventually face this day.  It’s probably better that I’m doing it now rather than later.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to bid adieu to Swindoll … Strobel … Spurgeon … and Colson.

Because every time I bought a new book, it felt like I discovered a new friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Playing Politics in Our Churches

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on September 12, 2014| 2 Comments »

Most churchgoers have no idea what really goes on behind-the-scenes at the average church.  What really happens in meetings of the board and staff?  How many decisions are really made on the basis of Scripture and prayer?  How do the key leaders really behave when they’re immersed in a crisis?

When I first joined a church staff – and later when I became a pastor – I was horrified at how many decisions in a church were made on the basis of politics, pure and simple.  I was shocked because I thought Christian leaders would make spiritual decisions rather than political ones.  While I have been in churches where the leaders truly “walked the walk” in every situation, I have also been in churches where the leaders seem to forget they’re in a church.

The best illustration in the Bible of politics in action occurs when the Sanhedrin sent Jesus to Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor.  Let me share with you five political strategies that Pilate used that I have seen used in local churches:

First, politicians succumb to outside pressure.  When Jesus was first brought before Pilate, the Jewish leaders accused Him of “subverting our nation.  He opposes payment of taxes to Caesar and claims to be Christ, a king” (Luke 23:2).  In other words, Jesus was accused of trying to overthrow Rome.  But after Pilate initially questioned Jesus, he told His accusers, “I find no basis for a charge against this man” (Luke 23:4).  And yet, when Jesus’ countrymen continued to accuse Him of stirring up the people, Pilate lost his nerve and backed down.

In my first pastorate, the board chairman asked me to take action over a theological issue involving two of his family members.  After I researched the issue, I presented relevant materials to the board in a three-hour meeting, after which we made a unanimous decision.  When I tried to explain our decision to the family members, they threatened to leave the church and demanded a personal apology.  When I asked the board for support, they flipped on me and told me to apologize, but I refused.  I reminded them that we had made a decision together based on Scripture, but that didn’t matter to them.

While politicians wilt when pressured, spiritual leaders stand strong.

Second, politicians avoid the tough calls.  Dr. Luke tells us that when Pilate heard that Jesus was a Galilean, he sent Jesus to see the ruler of Galilee, King Herod, who was visiting the Holy City for Passover.  Pilate hoped that Herod would make a decision about Jesus’ fate that would take the Roman governor off the hook, but Herod merely ridiculed Jesus and sent him back to Pilate.

I once was informed about some inappropriate material on the social networking site of an important person in my church.  I consulted with that person’s supervisor who promised to address the issue, but months later, the objectionable material was still there.

While a politician prefers not to confront a friend, a spiritual leader seeks that person’s repentance and restoration.

Third, politicians scapegoat innocent people.  Which crimes had Jesus committed against Rome?  He hadn’t committed any.  Pilate twice confessed that Jesus was innocent of all the charges hurled His way (Luke 23:4, 14), but instead of exonerating and then releasing Him, Pilate decided to punish Jesus (by beating) before releasing Him.  Why?  This is what His vocal constituents demanded even though Jesus was blameless before the law.  Rather than declaring Jesus completely innocent, Pilate declared Jesus partly innocent.

I know a church where the pastor resigned because a member of his family was accused of a crime they didn’t commit.  No one in that church moved a finger to right the wrong – until the new pastor came.  When he heard the truth, he arranged for the former pastor to return.  In public, those who falsely accused the pastor admitted their error, the church asked his forgiveness for permitting a grave injustice, and the pastor and church experienced a liberating reconciliation that allowed both parties to move on with God’s blessing.

While politicians apportion blame for conflicts indiscriminately, spiritual leaders apportion blame accurately.

Fourth, politicians don’t seek divine wisdom.  With the Sanhedrin breathing down his neck, Pilate did not seek guidance from Scripture, or a prophet, or prayer.  God tried to speak to him through a dream that He gave Pilate’s wife (Matthew 27:19), but Pilate brushed off the message.  He was used to making unilateral decisions based on Roman interests + common sense, but both of those touchstones failed him at this juncture.  Had he only looked above instead of around … history might have judged him differently.

I have been all too many board meetings where the board members – who have been chosen primarily because of their walk with God – never even consider consulting God when they get stuck on an issue.  They don’t quote Scripture or turn to key passages.  They don’t stop the meeting to consult with the Lord in prayer.  I have even been in meetings where the meeting wasn’t opened with prayer.  It’s like the Lord isn’t even there.  Board members just discuss issues using worldly wisdom but never truly seek the Lord’s mind on anything.

While politicians consult exclusively with their peers or constituents, spiritual leaders initially seek the Lord’s face on everything.

Finally, politicians want to look good.  They care more about their image than their character.  They care more about how they appear to others than how they appear to God.  John makes a profound statement about many of the Jewish leaders who believed in Jesus but would not confess Him openly: “For they loved praise from men more than praise from God” (John 12:43).

Stuart Briscoe from Elmbrook Church in Wisconsin is one of my all-time favorite preachers.  I once heard him make this simple but profound observation: “Most people want to feel good and look good.  They don’t want to be good and do good.”

While politicians are primarily concerned with feeling good and looking good so they can be re-elected, spiritual leaders care more about being good and doing good – even if that means they’re one-termers.

If we’re serious about wanting God’s blessing on our churches, if we truly wish to obey God’s Word, if we want to impact our communities for Jesus, if we want to see revival in our time – then we need to stop making decisions in our churches purely on the basis of politics and start making decisions on the basis of righteousness instead.

 

Read Full Post »

The Power of a Pastor’s Words

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on July 24, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I served as a youth pastor in my first staff assignment, and every two months or so, I was allowed to preach on a Sunday night, with varying degrees of success.

One night, I decided not to speak in “pastorese,” but to speak the way I normally did, using words like “guts” and “stuff.”

Several days later, my pastor told me that a prominent church couple was offended when I said “guts,” and that I should drop that term from my preaching vocabulary … along with “stuff.”

My purpose is not to argue about pulpit terminology, but to point out that the words of a pastor carry great weight for many people.

Let me share three quick examples:

First, many people remember what a pastor says in personal conversation.

When I was first a youth pastor, a young man (I’ll call him Bob) who attended our church often attended an earlier service at another church led by a famous televangelist.  Bob had known this pastor personally for years.

Bob was something of a rascal and took great delight in listening in on the post-service conversations of this well-known preacher and sharing what he said with his “other church.”

One time, Bob called the pastor by his first name in a crowd, and the pastor called him aside and said, “That’s Dr. __________ to you.”

Another time, a seminary professor told our class about a long conversation he had with that same televangelist at a banquet … that all the professor did was listen to that televangelist the whole night … and that he didn’t care for him at all.

The point: people were forming opinions about this televangelist simply from personal conversations he held with other believers.

And pastors need to know that people are not only listening carefully to their conversations … but even listening in on them.

Whether we know it or not, our words carry weight.

Second, pastors need to be careful when they point out someone’s faults in private.

I don’t know how to say this properly, but over 36 years of church ministry, I didn’t view myself as anyone special.

I always took the responsibility of being a pastor seriously, but sometimes, I didn’t realize how powerful my words were to some people.

Many years ago … and it pains me to this day to think about it … someone connected me to a nationally-known church consultant who was big stuff at the time.

The consultant reviewed our church’s documents and promotional materials … watched a video of our Sunday service … critiqued my preaching … and ran down where we needed to improve.

And he said that the people who were on the stage needed to look sharp … and not be overweight.

What should I do with that last suggestion?  Bury it?  Share it?  If so, with whom?  I honestly didn’t know what to do.

To my everlasting shame, I shared it … as gently as possible … with a handful of people … but I hurt people … needlessly … and what I said got around.

A new and talented couple immediately left the church.  Another faithful family left as well.

I learned firsthand that a pastor’s words can wound people for years.

Sometimes a pastor has to say the tough thing in private.  He can speak in a kind and sweet and loving way … and his words may still sting … but he has to do it.  It’s his job as shepherd of the flock.

But I’ve learned that pastors are often unaware of how powerful their words are … especially when they’re correcting someone … and even if it’s necessary.

Finally, the words of a pastor can bring people great healing.

When I was a youth pastor, I invited one of my college professors to conduct a weekend retreat in the mountains for 50 students.

All of his talks were from Proverbs … and the talk with the most impact included verses like these:

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  Proverbs 10:19

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.  Proverbs 11:13

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.  Proverbs 13:3

Hearing those verses in concentrated form, I realized … as did many of us in that mountain cabin … that our tongues had the potential to harm or heal others.

So I’ve tried to bring healing through my words … by using Scripture … by keeping confidences … by restraining my speech … and by encouraging people.

I haven’t always succeeded … and it devastates me when I mess up … but every time my words touch others, I’m grateful … because I know how much encouraging words mean to me.

Twelve years ago, I turned in a 70-page class project to Dr. Archibald Hart from Fuller Seminary toward my Doctor of Ministry degree.  While I did my best on that paper, I wondered how Dr. Hart …  one of my few Christians heroes … would respond to what I wrote.

When I got it back in the mail, I was petrified, until I read his words on the title page: “An excellent paper … among the top 5% I have ever received …”

I keep that title page in a frame five feet from my desk.

Without Dr. Hart’s encouragement, I would never have written a blog … a book … or anything else.  “The tongue of the wise brings healing.”

If you’re a pastor, I beg you … heal people with your words … and with God’s Word.

But I wonder … how many times have the words of a pastor healed you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Five Mistakes in Contacting Pastoral References

Posted in Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on July 21, 2014| 2 Comments »

I’m constantly hearing about church leaders who are upset with their pastor … or their associate pastor … or their youth pastor.

And all too many of these leaders end up dumping the pastor or staff member unceremoniously.

Sometimes the pastor or staff member is responsible … while other times the employer/search team must shoulder their share of the blame.

Here are five mistakes I’ve seen pastors make (in hiring staff) and search teams make (in hiring pastors) when it comes to contacting their references:

First, occasionally a search team doesn’t contact any references at all.

I was once hired to be a full-time staff member in a church … and nobody checked my references.

Although the pastor had known me for years, the church board only knew me through him.  I wanted them to contact my references and to know my strengths and weaknesses … but it didn’t happen.

Why not?

Was it too much of a hassle?  Were certain people anxious to get me on board?  Or had I sold myself so well that nobody thought my references would matter?

To this day, I don’t really know … but this isn’t a wise policy.  Neither is the next mistake:

Second, sometimes an employer will contact a reference after already hiring someone.

I once hired a part-time youth pastor (let’s call him Bart) who did a good job.  When I offered Bart a full-time position, he laid out some demands that we couldn’t meet, and so we parted company amiably.

Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when I received a phone call from a pastor many states away.  The pastor told me that he had already hired Bart but still wanted to call his references.

To me, that’s like eloping with a woman and then asking her family and friends, “What kind of a person is she, anyway?”

After the pastor hired Bart, he told me that he sensed Bart had a problem with a certain issue … and that issue must have affected Bart’s employment, because he didn’t last a year.

No pastor or search team should ever be in such a rush that they fail to contact a prospect’s references before hiring them!

Third, sometimes an employer fails to ask one or two more tough questions before ending the interview.

A church I served as pastor once went through a long, protracted process in trying to hire a youth pastor.

We reviewed scores of resumes.  We narrowed the field down to a handful of candidates.  We brought many of them in … but nobody was a fit.

And then we found him.  Outwardly, Frank was everything the search team, parents, and youth were looking for.  We were thrilled!

I remember speaking to Frank’s supervisor at the church where he was still employed.  I asked some tough questions … but for some reason, I backed off just when I needed to accelerate.

We hired Frank, but a year later, his behavior was driving me crazy.  I called Frank’s former supervisor and asked him the questions I should have asked a year earlier … and found out something very disturbing.

Frank’s supervisor only told me great things about Frank a year earlier because he wanted us to hire Frank so he could get rid of him.

Our church was so anxious to hire a youth pastor that we settled on someone we shouldn’t have hired.

When you’re looking to call a pastor or a staff member for a reference, do your best to ask the hard questions or you may pay for it down the line.

Fourth, some churches don’t do a criminal background check or a credit check.

I’ve heard about churches that don’t insist on either one of these checks … but they usually regret it later on.

One time, I interviewed a prospect for a staff position, and I was blessed to have a copy of his driving record in front of me.

Within a short amount of time, he had recently received five speeding tickets.  Five.

I asked him about the tickets.  He said that he was in a Christian leadership program and was consistently late for class.

I drew some quick conclusions:

*This guy doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes.  He keeps repeating them.

*Why didn’t he alter his behavior?  Get up earlier?  Drive the speed limit?  Avoid the traps?

*To what extent could I let him drive young people around?  What would happen if we hired him and he got into an accident with youth in his car?

Needless to say, we didn’t hire him.

It’s crucial to complete a credit history, too, because the way a staff member manages their personal finances is the way they’ll manage church money.

Finally, in many cases it’s foolish not to contact a staff member’s former supervisor.

I’ve learned that after many staff members leave a church, they won’t list their previous supervisor as a reference.

Maybe the staff member resigned under pressure … or was fired outright … or didn’t get along with their supervisor (usually the pastor).

So it’s understandable that many staff members don’t list their previous supervisor as a reference … but a prospective employer should speak with them anyway … because sometimes only the supervisor and a handful of others know the real truth about that individual.

What if a pastor or staff prospect stole church funds … or slept around … or consistently lied … or resolved conflict with his fists … or harmed children or youth?

There may be legal repercussions if a former supervisor handles specific questions in an unwise fashion, although there are ways to answer questions without being too direct.

But as a Christian leader, I believe in giving people … even former pastors or staff members … second chances.

I’ve certainly needed a second chance in my own life.  For example, during my freshman year at a Christian college, I flunked my Christian service assignment … yet went on to spend 36 years in church ministry.

So just because a worker … volunteer or paid … made some mistakes or errors in judgment does not indicate they’re irredeemable.

For that reason, if someone calls me for a reference, I’ll focus on all that’s good about that person … and will all I do to help them get another job.

But … if their character is warped … especially if they aren’t forthcoming about past mistakes … that’s a different matter.

Several times, I’ve heard about an ex-staff member who was hired by another church and yet no one ever contacted me as their former supervisor.

And I’ve thought to myself, “If they didn’t contact me, who did they contact?  Who would know more about the way they performed at our church than me?”

While I’ve learned a lot about ministry references over the years, I still find it a tricky topic to master.

What are your thoughts and experiences concerning pastoral references?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Narcissistic Pastors, Part 2

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on July 17, 2014| 10 Comments »

In my last post, I wrote about three characteristics of narcissistic pastors that lead to conflict in churches:

First, narcissistic pastors are obsessed with their image, not their character.

Second, narcissistic pastors delight in putting down their rivals.

Third, narcissistic pastors cannot empathize with the pain of others.

Here are two more qualities of the narcissistic pastor:

Fourth, narcissistic pastors become wounded when people don’t constantly admire them.

Congregational consultant Peter Steinke writes: “The narcissist functions to maintain a projected, inflated image of self.  By coercing, charming, or controlling others, the narcissist ensures that the need for supplies will be satisfied.  Functioning to mirror his grandiosity, others guarantee him a sense of specialness, exaggerated importance, and superiority.”

Tell the NP, “That’s a great suit,” and he feels admired.  Tell him, “That was a great sermon, ” and he feels special.

There’s nothing wrong with making either statement.

But if you stop doing it, the NP will eventually turn on you and despise you.  They keep mental scoreboards in their heads.  Steinke says they become “vindictive, vengeful, devaluing, and abrasive.”

It’s hard to hang around someone who constantly needs to be told, “You’re great.  You’re fantastic.  You’re larger than life!”  But the NP needs to hear those words just to feel normal.

And when those around the NP … his wife … his staff … and his board … stop saying, “There’s nobody like you!” … the NP will humiliate them, even in public.  The NP then becomes ruthless toward those who don’t see him as special.

And in a church situation, that attitude leads to conflict.

Finally, narcissistic pastors need groupies to supply them constantly with admiration.

Wherever you find a NP, you will find an inner circle of devoted fans.

How does the NP acquire these fans?

He chooses them from among those in the congregation who make him look good.

The NP scans his congregation and discovers the most prestigious individuals … especially those who have money.

He also listens for accolades that indicate who holds him in high esteem.

When he finds them, he focuses on them like a laser beam and basically ignores the rest of the congregation.

These two groups – the prestigious and the praisers – make up the NP’s Fan Club.  This is who he socializes with … listens to … and confides in.

As long as the NP’s fans worship him, the NP will continue to tell them that they’re great as well.

But if any of the NP’s fans fail to adore him, he’ll drop them from the club … so they have to keep telling him, “You look great!  You’re so talented!  You’re the best!”

But … the NP’s fans don’t realize that he is controlling them … for his own purposes.

And this is how NPs foster division in a church.  They control a group of followers … mutually reinforce each other’s specialness … and when the NP begins to attack others … especially other pastors and leaders … they march in lockstep.

Steinke writes:

“The narcissist functions like a magnet, possessing the power of attraction.  People caught in the spell surrender obediently.  Under the spell of enchantment, they become dedicated followers as impervious to reason and truth as infatuated lovers.”

He continues:

“In the circle of charm, there are no checks and balances.  Groupthink develops.  Not surprisingly, many narcissistic leaders shield their swooning constituency from outside influences.  They demonize outsiders who might potentially uncover the truth of things or expose the charismatic figure.”

Steinke concludes:

“Those who are most vulnerable to charm are those people or groups who need stimulation outside themselves.  Often they are depressed or demoralized.  Many are looking for a high, some brightness or good feeling in their lives, to make them special…. By associating with the special person, they get dusted with the same magic and importance.”

_______________

Let me conclude this post by sharing 5 ways to deal with NPs:

First, it’s okay to identify narcissistic symptoms … but resist the urge to label someone a narcissist.

I can meet a pastor … or hear a pastor preach … and say to myself, “He certainly seems to have some narcissistic tendencies.”

But I can’t say definitively that he’s a narcissist.  Only a qualified psychologist can do that.

So don’t go up to a pastor and say, “I think you’re a narcissist.”  And don’t tell others, “I think our pastor is a narcissist.”

The most you can say is, “I believe he has narcissistic traits.”

Second, realize that narcissistic pastors know much more about church than they do about God.

Why do I say that?

Because NPs are consumed with outward signs of success (like church attendance and their salary) rather than inward signs of success (like the fruit of the Spirit).

For this reason, a NP may impress you with his dress and humor and stories, but he’ll rarely help you to know God better.

Third, narcissistic pastors are fun in the short-term and obnoxious in the long-term.

When you first meet a NP, they’re fun to be around.  They make you feel good.  They seem larger-than-life.

But the more you get to know them, the more you realize that they only love themselves … and that ultimately makes them hard to like.

Fourth, you can’t get close to a narcissistic pastor.

Because the narcissist is always mindful of his image, he’s not going to tell you anything that might ruin the way you view him.

You might spill your guts to a NP, but he’s only going to reveal so much of himself.

So if you suspect that your pastor is a narcissist, stop hoping that you’re going to become best friends.

He’s probably not even close to his wife or children.

Finally, narcissistic pastors just don’t change.

In Johnson and Johnson’s book The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments, the authors write about narcissists:

“Referrals for therapy are generally not likely to be helpful.  Not only do narcissistic persons rarely follow through with treatment, there is no significant evidence that they benefit from any form of intervention.”

If you’re on a church staff … or on a church board … or regularly attend a church … and you suspect your minister is a NP… please realize that he will probably stay that way until Jesus returns.

God has the power to change him … it’s just that he doesn’t think he needs to be changed.

_______________

Many of us have been deeply wounded by narcissistic pastors.  When we play their games, they’ll accept us into their fan club, but when we stop playing their games, we find ourselves permanently ostracized.

I’ve observed that narcissists carry around two lists: the good list and the bad list.

If you tell them they’re great, you’re on their good list.  If you tell them they’re ordinary … or you stop telling them they’re great … then you’re transferred to their bad list.

And once you’re on their bad list, you’ll never get back on their good list.

What are your experiences with (presumably) narcissistic pastors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

Do You Always Have to be Right?

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on July 7, 2014| 8 Comments »

Do you always have to be right?

I know the temptation all too well.

In my first pastorate, I visited shut-ins, and one day, I visited Cecil and Freda.

Due to their age, they rarely came to church, and Cecil told me that he said the Lord’s Prayer every day.  But he had a bone to pick with me.

Cecil said that when I read or said the Lord’s Prayer, I said, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”  But Cecil wanted me to know that it was really in earth as it is in heaven, not on earth.

I took out my pocket New Testament, and Matthew 6:10 said “on earth,” not “in earth.”  (When in doubt, let Scripture decide.)

But doggone it, Cecil had been saying the Lord’s Prayer for many years, and he was saying it the right way, and everybody else – even Bible translators and his pastor – were wrong.

What can a young pastor do?  I just smiled and changed the subject.

In that instance, I was wise.  But on another occasion, I was anything but.

I once visited a newly-married couple in their home after they had visited our church the previous Sunday.

While we were chatting, the woman blurted out, “But all sins are equal in God’s eyes, right?”

I should have let it go … I should have let it go … but I didn’t.

I gently explained what I believe Scripture teaches: that any and every sin will condemn us before a holy God, but that some sins are definitely worse than others in this life.  (For example, uncontrolled anger and murder are both sins, but murder is far worse than uncontrolled anger.)

But this couple had come from a church background where they had heard the phrase “all sins are the same before God” and my little two-minute explanation wasn’t what they wanted to hear.

They never came back to the church … and I needed to learn that I didn’t always have to be right.

How many conflicts in this world occur because people insist that they’re right and the other party is wrong?

How about Israel and the Palestinians?

How about Democrats and Republicans?

How about creationists and evolutionists … or global warning proponents and skeptics … or those who welcome illegal immigrants and those who don’t?

In the same way, many conflicts in churches occur because some people … even pastors and church leaders … have to be right all the time.

They have to be right about every nuance of theology … the proper interpretation of tough passages … the color of the nursery … and how long the pastor preaches.

And even when they violate Scripture, they still insist they’re right … and that those who disagree with them are wrong.

But Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 8:1, “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”

You can know a lot … and be right nearly all of the time … and yet do it all with a prideful heart … and so be very much wrong.

Let me offer three thoughts about “being right”:

First, it’s right to take and present a position.

My wife recently did some redecorating for her home preschool.  She asked me what I thought.  I told her what I really felt … once.

She listened … countered with a few ideas of her own … and that was that.

I stated my position and then dropped the matter.  Since it’s her preschool, she needs to make the final decision.

There would be far fewer conflicts in churches if churchgoers treated pastors the same way.

For example, let’s say you don’t like a change in the worship service.

It’s all right to feel the way you do … and to tell your pastor how you feel … but then let the issue go.

Trust that he will make the right call, even if it takes a while.  You had your say … but must you have your way?

Second, learn who you can argue with … and who you can’t.

I like to argue, to test my positions and learn how other people think.  Ultimately, I’m after Truth with a capital “T.”

I try to argue without being argumentative, but sometimes, that doesn’t work out.

My wife and I were once invited by a friend and his wife to a dinner honoring various kinds of ministry chaplains.

While sitting at dinner, I made a comment about abortion, assuming the person sitting next to me would agree with my position.

He didn’t.

We quickly got into a verbal exchange … all because I didn’t yet know who he was.

If you know someone who loves a friendly argument, by all means, go at it … just so you remain friends afterwards.  Jesus certainly argued with both His disciples and His enemies a lot.

But if you’re around someone who doesn’t like to argue … let it go!

And my guess is that the vast majority of people do not like to argue.

Finally, realize that everybody is wrong at times … even you.

Last Saturday, my wife and our daughter and I visited San Diego.

I suggested that we visit the collection of shops and restaurants known as Seaside Village.

My wife gently called it Seaport Village.

I said, “No, I think it’s Seaside Village” … but then I wondered, “What if she’s right?”

When we walked up to the village, it was Seaport Village all right.

Because I didn’t make a big deal about the name, my wife and daughter let it slide.

But if I had said, “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I’m right,” they wouldn’t have let me forget it all weekend.

When we know we’ve been wrong in the past, that knowledge should give us humility the next time that we’re positive we’re right.

But when we always insist that we’re right, we alienate our loved ones and people stay away from us.

In U2’s song Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own, Bono sings to his dying father, “You don’t have to put up a fight, you don’t have to always be right …”

If Christians would memorize and practice those lyrics, we’d have fewer conflicts and more far peace in our churches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »