Restoring Kingdom Builders

Every Sunday, millions of Americans discuss what happened after they leave their church’s worship service.

Maybe Mom will say, “I really liked today’s performance song.  The lyrics really inspired and comforted me.”

Just then Bill, the family’s 16-year-old son, chimes in and says, “Yeah, but I didn’t understand the message at all.  That talk had nothing to do with me.”

Then Rachel, the 14-year-old daughter, complains, “Mom, I’m glad you liked the song, but I’m not getting anything out of the youth group right now.  I try to listen, but these two girls are always goofing off and they’re so distracting I can’t hear the lesson.”

Then Bill adds, “Well, I heard it, but I thought it was lame.  I’m thinking about not going back to the youth group – maybe try out a new one.  In fact, my friend Steve has invited me to attend the group at his church and I’m thinking about checking it out.”

After listening to his family’s opinions, John wonders aloud, “I wonder if we should leave our church and look for a new one?”

What are the signs you should leave your church?

First, you can’t support the vision.  Maybe your church pours all its efforts into worship, and you think it should be engaging in evangelism.  Or your pastor is passionate about missions, but you care most about hurting people.  If you can get behind your pastor’s vision for your church, then by all means, stay!  But if you find that you and your church are going in opposite directions, then you should seriously consider leaving or you’re going to be frustrated all the time.

Please don’t say what some people say at this point: “Well, I don’t like the pastor’s vision for this church, so we’re going to make life unpleasant for him until he leaves.  Then we’ll hire a pastor who will do things our way.”  That is the epitome of selfishness and indicates that you think your views are more important than those of your pastor.  Don’t try and manipulate matters so that he leaves.  You leave.  In fact, if you and those who are opposed to the pastor’s vision would leave the church, the church would probably grow a lot more rapidly.

Second, you don’t like the pastor.  I’ve written about this issue before because it’s a huge factor in whether people stay or leave a church.

My wife and I visited a church a year ago where the music was so awful that after ten minutes, she turned to me and asked, “Can we leave?”  I told her, “We’re going to stay to the end,” but after a few more minutes, I wanted to leave with her.  The pastor screeched when he preached.  (He was a “screecher preacher.”)  It was awful.  And then during his message, he complained to the technical people about a hum on the stage and, in my view, humiliated them in the process.  When the service was over, my wife and I practically ran to the car and our tires screeched as we left the parking lot.

I am sure that pastor is a nice man and that many people love him, but his personality and style just didn’t work for us.  Rather than stay and eventually force him to leave, we left and he stayed put.

I believe this with all my heart: if you don’t like your pastor, leave your church.  Why?  Because you will invariably tell someone in the church about your feelings, and then you’ll find people who agree with you, and you’ll be tempted to form a group of likeminded people, and if a leader emerges, your group will try and force the pastor to leave, and it will all get ugly and nasty and divisive.  So when you’ve tried to like your pastor, but you just can’t pull it off, then find a church where you do like the pastor.

But it’s at this point that people say, “But I love the ministry I’m leading.  And I’ve been at this church a long time.  And all my friends are here.”  But the way you feel about the pastor will override all those other considerations – I guarantee it.  Find a church where you like the pastor and can follow his leadership or you will be miserable for a long, long time.

Third, the church is starting to embarrass you.  Maybe you have a new pastor and you find his jokes offensive.  Maybe your worship director sings flat or the band plays every worship song in a disco style.  I’m not talking about occasional mistakes or experiments gone awry.  That happens in every church.

But if you’re consistently cringing to the point where you’ve stopped inviting friends to your church – and you won’t even invite your mother on Mother’s Day – then maybe you need to look around for another fellowship.  You should feel proud of your church.  And when you don’t, consider finding another place to worship and to serve.  And that leads to the next factor:

Fourth, you can’t use your gifts anymore.  Years ago, I was in a church where I sensed that I could no longer teach youth.  That job was reserved for the new associate pastor.  So I looked around for a church where I could teach, and we ended up in one where I already knew  many people.  Before long, I was teaching a high school class, and due to God’s grace, I was eventually hired to be that church’s youth pastor.

A church may be growing, and the pastor’s messages may be top-notch, and your kids may be thrilled with everything, but if you can’t use your spiritual gifts there, you may need to find another church.  If you’re a singer and you can’t sing, find a church where you can.  If you’re a leader and you can’t lead, then look around.

Finally, ask God what He wants you to do.  There are times when we’re sitting in a worship service or standing in the church lobby and the Holy Spirit says to us, “You’ve stopped growing spiritually in this place, haven’t you?  And you really aren’t able to help others grow, either.  You’re stagnating spiritually right now.  I want you to think about leaving.”

Or whenever you think about your church, you either become angry (because you’ve been violated in some way and there is no recourse for reconciliation) or you become depressed (because the memories have become too painful).  When your emotions overrule your thinking, and you can’t see the way ahead, it may be that God is leading you to look for a new church home.

When I was a pastor, I usually tried to encourage people to stay in our church, but there were times when it was better for them to go somewhere else.

One well-known pastor became weary of all the people who attended his church and complained about it, so he obtained brochures from ten other churches in town.  He stood up one Sunday morning and said, “If you want verse-by-verse Bible teaching, then check out this church.  And if you want a choir, then visit this church.  And if you want a certain kind of youth program, then try out this church.”  He left the brochures in the lobby.  As I recall, attendance was down by 700 people the following Sunday, but three weeks later, attendance was right back where it had been.  The church said goodbye to those who were disgruntled and welcomed those who were thrilled to be there.

Maybe we need to add a “Musical Churches Sunday” to our Christian calendar!

What are your thoughts about when it’s time to leave a church?  I’d love to hear them!