Probably the worst ministry nightmare that a pastor can experience is to be either fired or forced to resign.
You lose so much: your position … your income … your reputation … most of your church friends … your sense of self-worth … and more than you ever feared.
Having been through this experience more than seven years ago, I’d like to share some events that helped me to heal. Maybe my situation can help someone who wonders, “Will I ever get better?”
Each of the following events contributed in some way to my healing:
First, I chose to leave the area where the church was located.
My wife and I loved our house so much!
It took us thirty seconds to walk to the shores of the San Francisco Bay. When I looked to the right, I saw the Oakland Coliseum where the A’s play. When I looked to the left, I saw AT&T Park where the Giants play.
I saw the Bay Bridge … and the San Francisco skyline … nearly every day.
There was a bench on a small bluff facing the water. Sometimes I would sit there and study for sermons while the wind blew the water crazy at high tide. (Although it’s at low tide in the next photo.)
The entire seven years we lived in that house, I knew that in a moment, it could all be gone. That knowledge gave me a profound sense of gratitude for every day we lived in that beautiful place.
But when I was attacked by a small but vocal group within the church, I could not envision staying, much as we loved where we lived. My wife suffered greatly, and we were constantly on guard that we would run into our antagonists and melt down emotionally.
We had to go.
Seeing the church … and the community … in the rear view mirror was necessary for survival. We didn’t have kids in school, and though the economy was leaking, we chose to sell our house in a short sale (neighborhood comps were dreadful at the time) rather than stay or rent it out.
Had we stayed in that community, our healing would have been stalled.
But many pastors lack the funds to move away, or they stay because their kids are entrenched in schools, and I believe this delays their ability to heal. The sooner a forced-out pastor can leave a community, the better.
Why stay where you’re not wanted?
Second, I only stayed in contact with churchgoers who were truly my friends.
If I even suspected someone of colluding against me, I unfriended them on Facebook. And in almost every case, my instincts were right.
I remember a man who invited me to attend some sporting events with him. We enjoyed our times together, and before I moved away, he told me that he had contact with a leader who was instrumental in pushing me out. This man called that leader “nasty.”
But several months later, when I attempted to converse with him online, my sports friend had turned on me.
Why stay in contact anymore? He had chosen sides. It would have taken several hours of meetings to bring him around, and I was nearly 800 miles away.
Unfriend.
I need more rather than fewer friends, but when someone clearly stands against you, you’re not really unfriending them. You’re just accepting the truth … and that’s healing.
Third, I spent a lot of time reading the Psalms.
David knew how it felt to be attacked as a leader. He also knew how to articulate and universalize his pain.
For months, I only read authors who understood that same pain.
I was depressed. I didn’t feel like praising the Lord. I didn’t want to evangelize the world. I didn’t want to become a church member or use my spiritual gifts.
But I found great comfort in the ancient wisdom of Israel’s Psalter.
Because I found it difficult to pray, I sometimes let David do the praying for me.
I also sensed God’s touch when I read 2 Corinthians. Paul defends his apostolic ministry throughout the entire book, and lets us know that sharing our raw emotions is sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do.
I needed to know that I was not alone, that I was suffering as many other saints had done in time past.
And that insight helped a great deal.
Fourth, I found a church home.
My wife and I moved to Arizona after we left our last church, and we visited a new church nearly every Sunday for six months.
We ended up at Christ’s Church of the Valley – or CCV – which became one of the largest churches in the US while we were there.
I always thought that megachurches were cold and impersonal, but I didn’t find CCV that way at all. It’s the closest to a perfect church that I’ve ever seen.
The church was outreach-oriented. They served their community well. During playoff season, they broadcast NFL games outside on monitors after services so men could stay at church while watching football. They served breakfast before services, pizza after services. They even gave guests a free meal.
I tried to use my gifts to serve there, but I found out the hard way there’s only one teacher in most churches these days – the lead pastor.
But I looked forward to every service, and found the people at the church both joyful and grounded.
One of the hardest things about moving from Arizona back to California was leaving CCV.
Although I believe that a forced-out pastor needs to attend church, I found serving problematic. Most churches don’t welcome ex-pastors with open arms.
But attending a good, solid church helped me heal.
Fifth, I forgave those who attacked me.
It took a few months to do this. If someone had told me, “You have to forgave those who hurt you right now,” I would have replied, “I am simply not ready.”
I’m always amazed at those who claim that they instantly forgave the murderer who killed their husband or child. The words sound good, and play well in the media, but three months later, do they still feel the same way?
There were people who joined the “Crucify him!” mob that I didn’t need to forgive. I didn’t hold them responsible for what happened to me.
But three Christian leaders in particular knew exactly what they were doing: a former pastor, a staff member, and a board member.
I forgave them all a few months after I left my last position … but then I would hear new revelations of their collusion, and have to forgive them all over again.
I don’t think forgiveness is always an event. Sometimes it’s a process.
In all honesty, I wish those well who plotted against me, and I don’t hope they die of the plague or rot in a prison somewhere.
The Lord will take care of things. He always does.
But I wish that someone wise and fair could have set up a process for real reconciliation.
When I forgive someone from a distance, that’s unilateral forgiveness.
When I forgive someone to their face – and we become friends again – that’s bilateral forgiveness, or reconciliation.
That’s the kind I long for, but I’ve given up hope it’s ever going to happen.
Maybe accepting that fact is just as essential for ultimate healing.
Sixth, I largely blocked out my previous ministry whenever I did any teaching.
For many years, I’ve led workshops on church conflict at the Christian Leaders Training Association Convention in Pasadena, California.
I’m excited whenever I lead workshops because I’m doing what I believe God has called me to do.
But those conventions only last for a couple of days.
Five years ago, I became the interim pastor of a wonderful church in New Hampshire, and most of my time there, I reveled in the history of the area and formed friendships that I enjoy to this day.
And during that time, the pain of my previous ministry was largely forgotten.
It’s very healing to preach or teach others. You’re focused on the present, not the past, and you can use your former experiences to enrich your hearers.
But because those opportunities aren’t common, I now teach the best way I know how.
I write.
Seventh, I could tell I was healing when I didn’t want to tell my story anymore.
For a few years after leaving my last church, whenever I met someone, I wanted to tell them, “I used to be a pastor, but I no longer am. Since I don’t want you to think I left ministry due to a major offense, here’s why I did leave.”
Then I’d launch into my story … even when I didn’t mean to.
Several months after our departure, my wife and I attended an Amy Grant concert nearly 250 miles from our house. Amy is my wife’s favorite artist.
We waited after the concert to meet her … there were only three of us … and when Amy signed a photo for me, I told her that I used to be a pastor, but I wasn’t one anymore …
Why in the world did I do that?
I can’t remember the exact date, but when I started telling people “I’m a retired pastor” and that my wife and I work together in our own business … that was a day of great healing.
If anybody wants to talk about what happened at my last church, I’m always willing, and I don’t feel much … if any … pain in doing so.
But I’d rather talk about something else.
A very good sign.
Finally, I felt the greatest sense of healing when my wife and I finally made enough money to pay our own expenses.
It took me 25 years to make a decent wage in church ministry. My family did without so many things … as my wife often reminds me.
Early in my first church, I drove a car worth $200 and had large holes in the bottom of my dress shoes.
In our last ministry, we finally made enough to save money and take some trips overseas … things my best friends do routinely.
Before I left my last ministry, I negotiated a separation package with the new church board, and those funds carried us for many months.
My wife then got a job with a charter school, but we had to withdraw funds from my retirement account to supplement our needs … funds that disappeared all too quickly.
For the past several years, the Lord has blessed us with our own business – one that we run from our house – and we just purchased a new home … more than seven years after losing the last one.
The day I went into a store and paid for food based on what we earned in the present rather than what we had accumulated in the past was a day of great liberation.
That’s why I tell pastors, “The day you can pay your bills from a new job is the day your healing really begins.”
I hope sharing my experiences have been helpful.
What else helps former pastors to heal?
Quite a nightmare. Hard to believe Christians hurt each other but they do. A former (wonderful) youth pastor of a church I belonged to for years, Jim Meyers, has written a great very informative book, “Church Coup”. He tells of his and his wife’s heartache and challenges in being asked/forced out of a church. Really good read.
It seems you and your wife are more than fine now. God is so tender.
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Sharon, were you aware that I’m Jim? Just curious. Which church were you at?
Jim
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What a great way God is using your experience. Thank you for sharing in your blog. I attended Nutwood St. Baptist Church, as did Sharon Smith. You would have known her as Sharon Boyd.
Teena Pojar (Nesbitt)
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Teena, It’s been so long so I’ve had any contact with you! Thanks for writing. Of course I knew Sharon Boyd. She lived at the end of my street with her family, and my brother John was best friends with Tim. I trust that you are doing well these days, Teena. May the Lord richly bless you.
Jim
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Great article, Jim. I’m afraid that I am not at the forgiveness stage… it’s been three years since it all went down but I can’t seem to get past hatred of those who have cost me so so so much.
I am reading the book by Desmund Tutu and his daughter, Mpho, called “The Book of Forgiving.” In that book she has a ‘Prayer Before the Prayer.’ That is where I am.
Prayer Before the Prayer
I want to be willing to forgive
But I dare not ask for the will to forgive
In case you give it to me
And I am not yet ready I am not yet ready for my heart to soften
I am not yet ready to be vulnerable again
Not yet ready to see that there is humanity in my tormentor’s eyes
Or that the one who hurt me may also have cried
I am not yet ready for the journey I am not yet interested in the path
I am at the prayer before the prayer of forgiveness
Grant me the will to want to forgive
Grant it to me not yet but soon
Can I even form the words Forgive me?
Dare I even look?
Do I dare to see the hurt I have caused?
I can glimpse all the shattered pieces of that fragile thing
That soul trying to rise on the broken wings of hope
But only out of the corner of my eye I am afraid of it
And if I am afraid to see
How can I not be afraid to say Forgive me?
Is there a place where we can meet?
You and me
The place in the middle
The no man’s land
Where we straddle the lines
Where you are right
And I am right too
And both of us are wrong and wronged
Can we meet there?
And look for the place where the path begins
The path that ends when we forgive
Tutu, Desmond; Tutu, Mpho (2014-03-18). The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (p. 10). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
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Dale, I really like that prayer … especially the part about we’re both right and we’re both wrong. There is a self-righteous bias in the evangelical world that says, “If I say it, it’s right. If I do it, it’s right. If I feel it, it’s right.” Even if Scripture opposes that bias, many Christians plow on and do wrong so they can feel relieved in the end. I also think the whole idea of “instant forgiveness” is horribly misguided, as Lewis Smedes articulated so well in his two books on forgiveness. In my case, “I forgive you” means that I am going to let things go, that I am not going to try and hurt you the way that you hurt me, that I am not going to play God and try and take you out. But I don’t believe that the presence of wounded feelings in our lives means that we haven’t forgiven. Maybe forgiveness comes in stages or phases. In my case, I don’t care to see any of my attackers again unless there is repentance accompanying their contact with me. I doubt that will ever happen because if one admitted that they did wrong, they would be indicting the others as well. I can’t straighten anybody out, so I just have to move on. But the damage my attackers did still lingers to this day in the lives of many people, and I’m sure that’s true in your case as well.
Your Friend,
Jim
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Another great article! Thanks!
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You are welcome, Susan. Thanks for reading what I write!
Jim
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Hey Jim! Great article/blog as always. I think the hardest thing to accept (especially when the separation is brutal) is recognizing the truth that God is sovereign. I was given a great piece of advice when my situation happened: “leave them [those who perpetrated the event] in God’s hands as He will take better care of them than you or I ever could.” That was so solid and dovetailed with the Scripture. It was hard to do that. But if I continued to carry the hatred around with me, then they won. It took time for the people who were left to realize that they were in error and not me. But it was good that I let them discover that through God’s grace and not through me feeling that I had to defend myself.
Out of that event came the opportunity to speak at various churches and realize that God will still using me. I became, for a time, a transitional pastor (a ministry role I would never have envisioned for myself). I loved that ministry very much as God continued to open doors. And I honesty thought I would never be the Lead Pastor again. But God surprised me and I am thoroughly enjoying being Lead Pastor at a wonderful multi-cultural church in San Jose. What a blessing this church has been.
I also think it’s important to thank God for the church that dispensed the hurt and realize that He never abandoned us nor forsook us. He supplied all our needs according to His riches in glory in Christ. What blessings we learned because of those events that we might not have learned any other way.
Time is a great ally. And you know you’ve really healed when those events pass by on the anniversary of their occurrence and you never think of them. Praise God for His healing which brings these times about!
Keep writing Jim … God has blessed you!!
~~Chuck
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Chuck, thank you for your words of wisdom which have been hard won over the years. My days are filled with meaningful work and enjoying life, but it’s been a long, painful road to arrive at this place.
My departure was fueled by hatred on the part of those who wanted me gone, and I felt that hatred for a long time. It spread to many people and was enabled by Christian leaders who knew better. That’s hard to deal with.
I forgive them in the sense that I don’t want to seek revenge and that I wish them well in life, but I’m still disappointed that there isn’t a process in the evangelical world for dealing with these situations in a fair and just manner. Jesus will bring justice someday, but that day may be a long way off!
Nobody was ever held accountable for either their hatred or the cruel way my departure was handled. The evangelical church rewards the victors and punishes the “losers” in these cases. We watch thousands of pastors go through the same kinds of experiences and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
In our former church, there were people who wanted to kill outreach ministry. They wanted a smaller church, one they could more easily control, and now they have it. Rather than celebrating all the people who were coming to Christ and the church, there were people who wanted those people to leave so they could have church like it used to be. I still can’t fathom that mindset, but few stood against it, and they weren’t vocal enough to make a difference.
One of the trends I’ve been noticing is how many pastors in their late 50s and early 60s are being forced out of their positions … and most of them opted out of Social Security decades ago. I hurt for these men who were advised by their denominations to get out of SS. They have nowhere to go and precious few funds to carry them through life after years of dedicated ministry.
Yes, God is sovereign, but for months after my exodus, I could only sense His sovereign control long-term, not in the short-term. In the words of a U2 song, “One day you’ll look back and you’ll see where you were held out by this love,” and my wife and I have seen that love manifest in so many ways. But there has been a lot of damage done along the way to a lot of wonderful servants.
What’s ironic is that I did all I could to stay on good terms with everyone in that church on a personal basis, to monitor the congregation for signs of unrest every time we made a major change, and to walk with the Lord as well as I could … and they still got me in the end because those who orchestrate a pastor’s departure do so covertly, without his awareness. And then those same people end up in leadership later on … and few people know the truth.
How can we stop this kind of thing from happening to others? I’m not sure I know the answer.
I’m very glad for you, that the Lord has given you another ministry. Most of the pastors I deal with fade into the ether and don’t find new ministries, at least not for a long time, so you are blessed to have been placed where you are.
May the Lord continue to bless you abundantly, Chuck. And may the Giants soon rise above .500 and make a run for the top of the NL West!
Your Friend,
Jim
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Hey Jim,
We each need to travel the path. For some it is a long and lonely road. We’re battered and bruised and hurting and those who once seemed to care about us no longer do. In the midst of all the hurt we can still listen for God’s voice…it may be quiet at first but it continues to penetrate the hurt as we try to understand what happened. For some of us, we may never know the real reason as to why and we have to learn to live with that.
I do agree with you — it would be great if there was some type of system in place. Unfortunately, because most of never tell our stories and no one spearheads such a thing, it won’t come to be.
And the pastors must learn to cope with everything usually on their own. Unless you’ve made friends with some retired pastors who come alongside and nurture and support you. I certainly had that when I went through my time. One is now with the Lord and I think back on all our times with great fondness. He helped me to see how wicked the people were who had perpetrated the events. One is still living and we still get together for lunch about 4 times per year. He was a source of great encouragement (and continues to be a very good friend). Another lived in another state yet reached out in ways I never would have suspected. God used all three of those guys greatly and I’m the better person for it.
And I was at your former church when your letter was read to them. Both services were packed with people. I recall people crying. Yet I knew instinctively that you were hurting as well. Which is one reason that I reached out to you because I knew you needed someone who was “safe” and where you could be yourself. And you know what? It’s sort of funny that our friendship has never included a face-to-face meeting. But our telephone chats have been super and our love for the Giants is strong.
I’ve watched you heal from afar. And God has certainly used your excellent writing ability to reach out to so many people. You are their voice. So keep it up…and the Lord will continue to use you!
~~Chuck
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Thanks, Chuck, for your note, which I greatly appreciate. Thankfully, there are Christian leaders who are trying to do something about this issue, but it’s difficult to make headway when denominational officials and church boards don’t want to hear about the problem. When I was a kid, my dad was forced out of a church that he planted, and he died 20 months later at the age of 38, so the whole issue of forced termination is one that I have wrestled with most of my life. If I had one wish, it would be that those who are upset with their pastor – for whatever reason – would act as Christians when they deal with him. Don’t use politics, or the law of the jungle, or purely business practices – consult the Bible and do everything in truth with love. It does happen – I wrote a blog a while back on a church that did everything right in dealing with their pastor – but it’s rare.
The Giants have won 3 straight! Seems like a miracle right now. They’re out of sync as a team, and they should have acquired a left fielder with power. A home run here or there can break open or win a game, and the Giants have few guys that hit them with consistency. I guess they didn’t have room in the budget for such a hitter, but several week spots in the lineup put too much pressure on the other hitters.
Thanks again for following up. I enjoy the give-and-take involved in discussing these topics.
Jim
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Hey Jim,
You know what? Boards are composed of people who don’t work in the church world. They work in the corporate world. And when those men in the corporate world do something, it’s quick, brutal (sometimes), and you are escorted out. What they never take into consideration (I think) is that the Pastor has formed bonds with people due to the following: (1) the pastor led them to saving faith in Christ; (2) the pastor baptized them; (3) the pastor married them; (4) the pastor counseled them and helped to save their marriage; (5) the pastor oversaw the funeral of a loved one; (6) the pastor delivered excellent messages filled with the spirit. Those six things contribute to the bonds between a pastor and his flock. And I didn’t even mention hugs, putting his arm around people, crying with people, etc. So there’s lots that goes into the pastoral relationship. These guys just think it can be cut and dry and let’s move on. They never stop to consider the consequences of their actions.
I know stories that would shock a lot of people about how boards have acted.
The cure? Someone like you offers such a workshop for church boards. Complete with handouts etc. Why? Because these boards don’t even know (sometimes) where in the Bible to look. I remember hearing this phrase: “The pastor’s time and ministry here may be through according to you on the board. At least treat him fairly and don’t be stingy.” Unfortunately, that church board got even stingier (and the church eventually died).
Yes, the Giants have won 3 in a row. One of these days let me know when you’re attending a game and we can meet up!! I, too, appreciate our give and take!
~~Chuck
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Chuck, you’re right on about the lack of expertise that most church boards/board members have concerning pastors. I’d love to do workshops for boards if they wanted to attend, and some have attended the workshops I’ve done in Pasadena every spring. But a lot of people have read my blogs on pastoral termination, and right now, that’s my best ministry.
The point I make all the time about pastors and boards is that people don’t come to a church to hear or see the church board. They come to hear and see the pastor. And if the board is going to push him out, it better be for a major offense, or they should at least try some other strategies first, which gives the pastor time to find another ministry. I think a lot of forced exits are prompted by hatred and revenge, though, even though few people will admit that’s their real motive.
Hope the Giants are at least competitive this year.
Jim
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Hi Jim!
I agree 100% with the revenge and/or hatred factor. It’s almost undetectable too. And the fault has to lie with someone so why not the Pastor?? It’s just so sad because it doesn’t have to be that way. Most Pastors would step aside for the health of the church but that option is not given.
I recall when my situation occurred that one person said this: “They never thought that they were truly pushing you to the street. No employment. No severance.”
Why did it occur? Because of the hatred/revenge factor.
Well, the Giants are losing today….but they have had a nice homestead. Now on to St. Louis and Chicago!
~~Chuck
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Great article. A verse that has always encouraged me is Genesis 50:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” I have found that God takes care of situations in His timing, and His servants by leading them to a much better place. The place may or may not be in ministry. I have seen God discipline people who have hurt pastors or staff. I have seen churches go from thriving to barely surviving because of evil personnel practices. I just hate it for pastors who are called to these churches. The church is stagnant because of some kind of spiritual stronghold that the pastor had nothing to do with and until that church repents, it’s going nowhere of any significance.
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I agree with everything you wrote, Anthony. I like that term “spiritual stronghold.” It explains a lot. And I fully support your last statement: “until that church repents, it’s going nowhere of any significance.” As I see it, most people in a church scapegoat the forced-out pastor for everything that went wrong with the church so they can exonerate themselves in the process. And all the while, their church goes downhill fast. Thanks for writing!
Jim
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