In my last blog, I wrote “an open letter to pastor terminators.”
The letter was a composite of stories I’ve heard over the years about the damage that members of the church board have caused pastors and staff members they’ve forced out of office.
One friend wrote me on Facebook and asked, “Would you send it?”
If I thought it would do any good, yes, I would send it.
But the odds are that it wouldn’t.
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It’s been nearly eight years since I left my last church ministry. Two weeks from today, I’ll be writing my annual article about the church coup I experienced.
Throughout the past eight years, I’ve had this fantasy: that one day, just one of the individuals most responsible for pushing me out would contact me and apologize for their actions.
Sometimes, when I go to the mailbox, I wonder if there will be a letter of confession from one of my opponents inside.
It’s never happened.
Sometimes, when I pick up the phone, I wonder if one of the perpetrators is calling me to say, “Oh, Jim, what we did was so, so wrong. Can you ever forgive us?”
It’s never happened.
I wrote a book called Church Coup about what happened from my perspective. I have written hundreds of blogs about the problems of pastoral abuse and termination.
The damage the terminators caused was unfathomable. I lost my job … income … career … reputation … house … and many, many friends.
A nine-person team investigated the charges against me and concluded that “there was no evidence of any wrongdoing.”
But I was lied right out of the church. It’s the only way “they” could get rid of me.
I was wronged … severely wronged.
But is anybody ever going to admit their part in the conflict to me?
Almost certainly not.
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So would I send a letter to specific terminators, hoping they would have a “come to Jesus” moment and apologize for their actions?
Pastor Guy Greenfield tried to do just that. In his excellent book The Wounded Minister: Healing from and Preventing Personal Attacks, Greenfield writes:
“When I was pressured to retire early in my last pastorate by the machinations of a small group of antagonists, I wrote each one a lengthy personal letter describing how I felt about what they did to me, my ministry, my marriage, my family, my health, and my future. I tried to be honest without being harsh. I felt they needed to know that they had hurt me deeply. Not one of them wrote in response, called me, or came by for a visit. Not one said he was sorry. Therefore, I had to move on with my life, shattered though it was, and start over somewhere else.”
Greenfield made the first move toward reconciliation. He followed Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
In essence, Greenfield rebuked those who hurt him. They didn’t repent … at least, not to him personally. Should he then forgive them?
Yes, he should forgive them unilaterally, and he did. He writes:
“For my own sake, I needed to forgive them even though none said he was sorry. I tried to do that even though it took me a long time. I wrote a note to each that I was forgiving him of his mistreatment of me, knowing it would be a process rather than something instantaneous. I had to do it for myself. I did not expect reconciliation, but I did need to be free of my resentment. I did not expect sorrow or repentance from them in order to forgive them. I made a distinct decision not to seek revenge. There were several things I could have done, but I chose not to do any of those vengeful acts. I could not afford to put my future happiness in the hands of those people who made me so miserable by their abuse of me.”
Greenfield exercised unilateral forgiveness. He “let go” of his anger, resentment, and desire for revenge. And that’s all he could do.
Because whenever a pastor or staff member are unjustly terminated, biblical reconciliation … or bilateral forgiveness … as outlined by Jesus in Luke 17:3-4 almost never takes place.
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On a rare occasion, I will hear the perspective of the “other” side … from a board member who tried to get rid of a pastor and later felt badly about it.
A friend once told me that his father was instrumental in pushing out his pastor, and that it haunted him for the rest of his life.
I suspect there are other board members and lay antagonists who later were horrified when they realized that their words or actions had destroyed their pastor.
When my father was pushed out of his last pastorate, a woman whose hurtful words had gone viral cried out in a public meeting, “I never meant for it to come to this. I crucified the man!”
But those kinds of confessions are all too rare.
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It’s amazing to me. To become a Christian, a person must confess their sins to the Lord and request His forgiveness, which He always grants.
To remain a Christian, a person must continually confess their sins to the Lord … as 1 John 1:8-10 specifies … and again, the Lord promises He will always forgive.
But when those same professing Christians severely wound the person and position of someone God has called to serve their congregation, they stop looking at any sins they might have committed and only see the sins of their pastor/staffer.
They completely exonerate themselves and just as fully blame the person they’ve driven from office.
In the words of Jesus, they’re focused on the “specks” in their pastor’s life while ignoring the “planks” in their own lives (Matthew 7:3-5).
I have a friend who occasionally holds meetings after a pastor has been forced out. He gathers together the leaders of the church … places an empty chair at the front of the room (signifying the presence of Jesus) … asks for a period of silence … and then lets the leaders say whatever comes to their mind.
There is often a time of confession as people finally admit to others that they did indeed play a part in getting rid of their pastor … and harming their local body as well.
Maybe, since the deed was done with others, confession can only come in concert with those same people.
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I’ve long since given up hope that anyone who meant to harm me will ever admit it to me.
If they did … since I have already forgiven them unilaterally … I would joyfully forgive them on-the-spot.
But I realize it’s unlikely to happen.
In his wise book Healing for Pastors & People Following a Sheep Attack, Dr. Dennis Maynard writes the following:
“Before we can reconcile with another we have to know that they are truly sorry. We need to hear their words of repentance. We need to know their contrition is genuine. To reconcile with those who are not truly contrite is to excuse their offense as though it never occurred…. We are basically giving them permission to hurt us again. We need to hear the person who hurt us take responsibility for their behavior.”
Maynard then continues:
“Those that target clergy are oblivious to the pain they cause others. They have actually deceived themselves into believing they have done the right thing. They are consumed with their public image.”
He then writes something both remarkable and scary:
“I have not found a single case of an antagonist seeking to reconcile with the pastor they targeted for destruction. True repentance would also include trying to undue the damage that their conspiracy of lies brought on their pastor…. Some will rationalize their acts of sin and evil as righteous and justified…. Reconciliation is simply not an option. To do so would be to fail to hold them accountable for the pain they have caused. We cannot reconcile with them, but for our soul’s sake we still must forgive them.”
I have a theory that the people who target an innocent pastor for termination have surrendered themselves … at least temporarily … to some sort of dark force. You can’t be a Spirit-filled, Spirit-led individual and go after your pastor with a vengeance. Kindly show me one place in the New Testament where God blesses that kind of behavior and I’ll eat my words.
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I now live some 500 miles away from my former church. I cannot envision ever visiting the church again for any reason, and I have vowed never to visit the city in which the church is located, either.
There is just too much pain involved.
I accept the fact that even successful ministry tenures end. Casey Stengel won ten pennants in twelve years for the New York Yankees – including five World Championships in a row from 1949-1953 – and even he was forced out after the Yankees lost the World Series in 1960.
But to get rid of a leader, God’s people often throw away their Bibles and engage in satanic shortcuts … adopting the strategy of deception leading to destruction (John 8:44).
Since they can’t force their pastor to resign any other way, they start spreading lies about him.
Lies designed to harm his reputation. Lies designed to cause others to call for his dismissal. Lies designed to create pain for him and his family.
And that decision … to get rid of a leader at all costs … is guaranteed to cause the leader … his family … his supporters … and their congregation … immense heartache for many years to come.
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The reason that I wrote this article is to encourage the pastors and staffers who have been forced out to:
*accept that the church of Jesus Christ handles these situations horribly … so you aren’t alone.
*accept what happened to you as being part of God’s overall plan.
*accept that you will never fully reconcile with those who caused you harm.
*accept that you can and should forgive each person who hurt you unilaterally.
*accept that God still loves you and wants the best for you.
So will those who terminated you ever repent for what they did to you?
It’s highly unlikely.
After Judas betrayed Jesus, our Savior let him go.
We need to follow His example.
Hello Jim, I always appreciate your transparency and courage bringing to light the tragic events that happen in churches all across America but are summarily swept under the carpet. I must say that having been in ministry for over 16 years. I have seen a lot of ways that God has changed people’s lives, has used people greatly, and miraculous transformation of godly people. However; it must be noted that there is a fundamental ingredient that is key to the ways these lives have changed, their hearts must be pliable, moldable, and submissive for God to affect change. The TYPE of person you mention in your article, have none of the effective traits that allows for a platform of godly use. In other words, they “…have a form of godliness but denying its power”. 2 Timothy 3:5. They want to appear “holy” and “good” but they want the appearance to be based on their own platform. They have no desire to change, only the narcissistic desire to change others to conform to the world as they see it, and are comfortable with it. They are social dictators bent on changing everyone, and everything but themselves. They are consummate professionals at picking out the slightest perceived blemish on others, while in their own minds they are guardians of the standards they have set. In reading your article I must say one thing about the nature and character of these individuals, DISGUSTING!! This may not sound very pastoral of me, but I figured since we are speaking in a venue of transparency I must not suppress my true feelings; beside God already knows how I feel about these self-righteous guardians of self serving piety. I have experienced the pain of being forced from a church, and know the struggle of trying to start over. There is a deeply ingrained emotional, psychological, spiritual, vocational, social, mental anguish that is associated with having been the target of these church antagonists. I had to claw, scratch, pray, weep, mourn, persist my way out of the snare my antagonists had left me in. Never did I receive a letter of reconciliation, never did I receive a phone call from ANYONE asking if my and my family were okay. My children at the time were in middle school and were experiencing the aftermath also of what had occurred. They couldn’t understand why “christians” in the church they loved would treat their father so poorly. They also cried, and suffered, as did my wife. I must say however, that I did in fact receive one letter from the wife of my greatest antagonist. The wife of the man who would call me at all hours, would barge into my office regardless of who I was with or what I was doing, the man who would interrupt my bible study class and demand that I meet with him, I received a letter from his wife. In the letter she told me that she forgives me for my “actions”. After reading the letter, I placed it where it belonged, in the garbage. I do not anticipate that any of these people will ever seek me out and tell me they are sorry, they simply do not have it within their character. They are void of any capacity to see what they did as wrong, in their eyes they did what they needed to keep the church as they like it. One member even told me that he believed that “God did not want the church to grow” it needed to stay the same. So I have left the whitewashed tombs of my past, and rest in the fact that God will have the final say, and place my future, and the future of my family in his hands. Thank you for your article. Your friend, Gil Morales Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Gil, after reading what you wrote, I must say … I love you, brother! It’s good to hear from you again.
I love what you wrote as well. It’s so quotable.
In my case, a couple of people might have had deficient character, but they never seemed that way to me. They seemed like good people. I knew who the idiots were, and yes, there were a few, but not all that many. But somehow, in some way, groupthink takes over, and people who know better suddenly act in concert, and unite to harm their pastor.
I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. Too many churches have lay leaders who may seem more spiritually mature than others in the fellowship, but when they’re tested, they fail miserably. And then they spend weeks, if not months, blaming the pastor for the messes they created. And the church’s reputation takes a hit.
Stand strong, my friend. We need many more like you!
Your friend as well,
Jim
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Jim, as usual you place everything in a context that helps me know that what happened to me is not unique. Your work has helped normalize my own experience and know that I am not crazy. Like you I don’t ever plan to be back in the church or town–way too much pain.
One thing that has been bothering me is how most of the people with whom I had worked and served for 13 years never even sent a note of any kind. Just silence. I don’t understand and guess I never will. I have given up ever getting an apology of any kind from these people. In my anger I pray that God will reveal to them what they did but I don’t think they will ever ‘get’ it.
It has been hard to get back into any sort of church situation. A church in New Hampshire contacted me but I decided I could never put my well-being into the hands of a group of people who could be persuaded to get rid of me at the behest of one or two disgruntled people.
Thank you for your hard work in helping us heal. Your courage in living in the mess in order to help us get through the agony.
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Hello Dale, I am sorry for your experience. I too have shared the same fate, and can empathize with your pain. I too was shut out of a church and had to make a decision for the interest of my family because the environment had become way too hostile. It was incredible to me that wanton lack of control people had towards the end of my pastoral tenure in that church, and their true nature revealed itself in their deeds. If you need someone to speak with contact Jim, he had my cell phone number and let him know that I give permission for you to have it. Praying for you and your family. Gil Morales
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Thanks so much for your kind words, Dale. They really mean a lot to me.
Why didn’t more people contact you? This is just a guess, but I’d venture that the church board cooked up a narrative and spread it to enough people that it got all over the church.
The narrative probably wasn’t all false … just a mixture of some true things, some false things … but whatever was being said was enough for people to abandon you as a person.
If the board never told you why they were bouncing you, then they were … forgive me, God, but it’s the truth … typical Christian cowards. They’re not loving and godly enough to speak with you to your face, so they push you out, wait until you’re gone, and then start spreading their narrative around so people won’t contact you anymore. After all, they can’t have you contradicting their story, and that’s what you would do if they let you know what it was.
I still maintain that church leaders need to use a biblical, consistent process when they are dealing with their pastor. No shortcuts. No false narratives. No back room manipulation. Speak to the pastor directly, lovingly, and redemptively. See if you can win him over. If you can’t, give him the opportunity to find another ministry.
Why don’t they do it? Because they don’t know what they’re doing … and whenever a board acts independently of their pastor, they almost never do.
May God continue to use you as you walk a different path, Dale. There are thousands of us doing it.
Jim
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Hello Jim…I love you too. Your ministry as painful as it was when it birthed, was conceived from the mire of “great difficulty” as the apostle Paul refers to hardship in his statement in Acts 27:8. Your pain may have seemed pointless at the time but it was because of your pain, that you have helped me and countless others. I was completely LOST, and in great confusion about the church, its leadership, God, my future, and the future of my family. But your experience and your attitude of perseverance following has defined your ministry. Your book was a Godsend to me at the time, and making yourself available to me via phone calls after phone calls, and even meeting me in person helped me take each step out of my valley; God has definitely used you. I never saw a purpose, or could make any sense out of my experience, because pain has a way of clouding our ability for rational judgement, and clutters our emotions. But in looking back at my experience that happened 4 years ago, I have learned many things in the process. I have also grown fruit that has matured, and has allowed me to help others in similar unfortunate situations. I am no longer hurting, or angry, like I was 4 years ago, but I continue to have reservations about placing my financial, and vocational future of me and my family in the hands of a church body. I work at a fantastic job that seems like a dream to me, and I know was only made possible by God Almighty. I love church people, but I trust few, and am not so willing to give myself away like I was before. I hold onto the ministry that God has given me, but I cling to my family with an even greater intensity, and my decisions are made in light of the interest of my family. Although I am on the healing side of my experience, I know that this phenomena will not end, I know that it will play out in many churches across the United States. I pray for the many ministers today, who are suffering, and who are trying to recover after facing the devastating betrayal at the hands of some who profess to be “christians”. If there is any way I can be of support to anyone you know that is facing this crisis here in Northern California, I am available brother; I will walk hand in hand with them out of the miry pit, just like you did for me. Thank you Jim!
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Thanks so much, Gil, for your note. I do love your passion!
If we had to do it all over again, would we go into church ministry? Yes, we would. The Father clearly called us, and we had to obey His call.
But pastors and denominations have to think ahead better and anticipate what might happen if the pastor/board relationship goes south. We need to draw up guidelines on how to handle matters in a biblical and loving way. And we need to penalize those churches that ignore or sabotage those guidelines.
Yesterday, my wife and I visited a church where the pastor gave a good, solid message. I told my wife, “He preached just like they taught him in seminary.” He had a good outline and interpreted the passage in context, which is more than we can say for most pastors these days!
But there was no imagination … no creativity … and little to recall afterwards. Nearly every Sunday, I listen intently to the preaching, but wonder if God will ever give me the opportunity to preach again. It’s the single thing I miss most about church ministry.
Thanks for your encouragement and your friendship, Gil. Keep following Jesus! Maybe we can make a difference in the body of Christ yet.
Jim
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