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Archive for the ‘Church Conflict’ Category

Predictable Times for Trouble, Part 1

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues on January 21, 2011| 5 Comments »

I always knew when it was going to happen.

When I was a kid, my family drove from Orange County to Whittier on holidays to visit my grandparents.  Since they lived on a busy street, their ten grandkids were forbidden to play in the front yard but besides a swing, there wasn’t much to do in the backyard.  As the oldest of all the grandchildren, I learned early on to sit with my grandfather in the den and watch sports – mainly football.  That way, he could never yell at me for being disruptive.

But nearly every time all ten cousins congregated at that house, my grandfather would hear the racket the kids were making outside – and the incessant slamming of the kitchen door – and he’d get up, exclaim, “Yee, golly!”, and lock the kids out of the house.  It got to the point where I could have gone to the door and locked it for him – he was that predictable.

Trouble occurs in churches at predictable times, too.  According to conflict consultant Speed Leas in the book Mastering Conflict and Controversy, there are ten times when conflict is most likely to rear its ugly head in a local fellowship.  Let’s do this in typical Top Ten fashion:

Number 10: Increase in church membership (or attendance).  Why?  Because the addition of new people changes the personality of the congregation.

Let’s say that a church has an average attendance on Sunday morning of 150 people, but over the next year, it swells to 275.  That growth will alter its dynamics.  Since the church has almost doubled in size, some people who used to enjoy regular access to the pastor will find he no longer has as much time for them – and that may hurt them.  In addition, some people who served in two ministries will be asked to serve in only one so a newcomer can serve in the other – and sharing isn’t just difficult for toddlers.  When veteran attendees end up in the hospital, they may want the head pastor to visit them, but find he is out-of-town at a conference – so they get the new staff member instead.

As a church grows, it will need to add new worship services, train new leaders, and produce more ministries – and all of this can be disconcerting to those who used to be “big fish in a smaller pond.”  While everybody in a church claims they want the church to grow, some will actually sabotage the growth if their own star fades as a result.

The result?  Conflict!

Number 9:  Loss of church membership (or attendance).  Why?  Because as the number of people attending the church dwindles, so does the money.

Let’s reverse the attendance figures from the previous section.  Suppose a church with an average attendance of 275 plunges to 150 over the course of a year.  What will happen?  The giving will drop, probably substantially.  The leaders will have to institute cuts to ministries.  They may have to lay off staff.  The church may shift into maintenance mode.  And all the while, morale takes a dive as people wonder if they’re on a sinking ship and whether it might be better to grab a lifeboat (and row to another church) while they still can.  When a church experiences such drastic changes, some cast around for someone to blame, and their eyes usually rest on … the pastor.

The result?  Conflict!

Number 8: Completion of a new building.  Why?  Because different skill sets are required to build a building as opposed to filling a building.

A little more than five years ago, a church I served as pastor built a new worship center.  Before the project was completed, a former pastor quoted a statistic to me that seven out of ten pastors end up leaving their churches within a year of the completion of a building.  While that did not happen in my case, I understand why it does.

The construction of any building is an enormous undertaking.  While it’s very exciting, it’s also exhausting.  You’re on call 24/7.  In my case, I had to work with city bureaucracy, hostile neighbors (“We wish you’d go away for good”), the homeowners association, the project manager, the capital campaign leaders, the decorators (“Who chose that color?), the complainers (who thought the building would look differently than it did), the saboteurs (who talked down the capital campaign to others) and angry members (who left the church because they didn’t want to give).  And while all this was going on, I was trying to run our normal ministry while everyone constantly tiptoed around the construction site.

In my case, by the time the building was dedicated, I was eligible to take a sabbatical (and needed one desperately), but I delayed it for an entire year because we didn’t want to lose momentum.  While our church did grow, it didn’t grow at the rate everyone hoped – including me.

The result?  Conflict!

Number 7: Introduction of Baby Boomers into the Church (or any new generation).  Why?  Because the generation currently in charge of the church must surrender some authority to reach the next generation – and they resist doing so.

The church I attend has a great band that rocks out every Sunday.  While some from previous generations may take this style of music for granted, I appreciate it all the more because I was among the many pastors caught in the “worship wars” of the 1980’s.

It’s 1983.  I’m the new pastor of a church of 100+ people in the heart of Silicon Valley.  On Sunday morning, an older couple gets up to sing – but they really can’t.  They warble Out of the Ivory Palaces, not in English, but in Swedish.  I am not sure who was blessed, but I know I wasn’t.  I wanted to stand up and say, “This isn’t 1950 – this is 1983!”  But I didn’t – at least, not in public.  (And I could never tell this story in my former church because they had relatives there.)

Two years later, our church had a worship band for our Sunday service.  What they lacked in expertise they made up for in energy.  We started singing newer praise songs, and before I knew it, twenty percent of the church had left.  Guess who led them away?  That’s right – the Ivory Palaces couple.

Now, of course, I go to my local CVS store in the 55+ community in which we currently live and they’re playing Bruce Springsteen and Journey songs in the store.  And the church we attend has plenty of seniors, some in wheel chairs, and we sing edgy songs by Christian artists who weren’t even born in 1983.  My, how times have changed!

While the boomers wanted the builders (the previous generation) to accommodate their tastes, the boomers haven’t been as accommodating to the busters (the next generation).  But the churches that don’t reach the busters won’t last past 2025.

The result?  Conflict!

Number 6: Changes in the Pastor’s Family.  Why?  Because alterations in the pastor’s family, health, schedule, and energy will throw some people off-balance.

I served 10 1/2 years at my last church, and during that time, my wife had multiple surgeries and medical procedures.  Every time she came home from the hospital, I was not only her primary caregiver but her sole caregiver.  Because I had to put my energies into nursing her back to health, I was affected both physically and emotionally and consequently didn’t have as much to give to the church.  Whenever a pastor cannot operate at his normal level of energy, it affects the church because people have come to expect him operating at a certain level – and they get anxious when he can’t.

The result?  Conflict!

What are some of the other predictable times of conflict in a church?  See if you can guess what the Top Five are when I write my next article.

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Alliances

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists on January 18, 2011| 4 Comments »

I love the church that my wife and I attend.  It’s the church that I always wanted to pastor.  For example, as Kim and I were walking up to the lobby last Sunday, I told her that I first needed to stop by the men’s room.  Just then, the worship band began playing their opening song, and I heard a familiar guitar riff coming through the speakers outside.  I told Kim, “That’s All Because of You by U2.”  I quickly bypassed the men’s room.  We found seats four rows from the front, I listened to the band play the entire song, and then I quickly slipped out for a moment.

After the service, we went to the information desk so Kim could confirm some details about a missions course she’s taking.  Then we bought hamburgers at the grill outside and watched the Bears pummel the Seahawks on one of five large-screen TVs in the patio area.  While we were eating lunch, kids and their parents were playing football, soccer, and basketball on the fields nearby. (It’s never winter in the Phoenix area.)  Yesterday someone who once attended the church termed it “Church Disneyland,” but I know what they’re doing and why: they are trying to reach spiritually lost people with the good news of Jesus and they’re doing it extremely well.

Our pastor is a truth teller and a straight talker, and I like that.  Last Sunday, he used three Old Testament stories to illustrate that because we have a big God, we need to think big as well, and his message resonated with us in a powerful way.  But for the third time in sixth months, he referred to an incident that happened to him years before, an occurrence that he shared with me privately before I ever heard him mention it publicly.

In the early years of the church, four staff members aligned themselves against the pastor.  I don’t know what their specific charges were but they engaged in character assassination.  When the pastor discovered their plot, he called a meeting of the entire church to expose them, and three of them immediately resigned.  That alliance threatened the entire mission and existence of the church.  The pastor survived, but it took him months to recover his drive and energy.

How often do professing Christians form alliances against a pastor?  Sadly, it happens all too often.  An alliance in a church can take many forms.  As in the above case, staff members can form a group to force the pastor to resign.  Or the governing board can initiate a “church coup” by blocking all of the pastor’s plans (and substituting their own).  Or a group can engage in “secret meetings” where people make a list of charges against the pastor and then issue a series of demands, threatening to leave the church en masse if their demands are not met.

Why do people form such alliances?  They do so because they feel powerless by themselves but powerful when they’re with others.  As they complain to their colleagues/friends/co-workers, they discover people who agree with them and share their agenda.  When they find enough willing participants, they form an unofficial group.  Someone assumes leadership, they begin meeting in secret, and they’re usually willing to use any means necessary to accomplish their goal: take out the top leader.

Isn’t this what happened with Jesus?  I’ve been studying The Gospels and have been surprised at how many alliances it took to execute Jesus.  The Pharisees enlisted the help of the hated Herodians in trying to pummel Jesus with tough theological questions (Matthew 22:15-22).  Judas struck a deal with the Sanhedrin to reveal Jesus’ whereabouts during Passover (Matthew 26:14-16).  Pontius Pilate and King Herod Antipas, who did not get along, initiated a friendship after both examined Jesus (Luke 23:12).  Even Israel (the Jews) and Rome (the Gentiles) had to form a partnership to eliminate Jesus.  Without these “strange bedfellows” – humanly speaking – Jesus would never have been crucified.

Dr. Luke notes several of these alliances in Acts 4:25-27.  After Peter and John were arrested and released by the Jewish Supreme Court, the early Christians met together and asked the Lord for boldness to share the gospel.  Notice the following phrases (italics are mine):

“‘Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain?  The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his Anointed One.’  Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed” (Acts 4:25-27).

When I was a pastor, I didn’t mind if a few individuals in the church complained about various matters as long as they spoke to me or another top leader directly and didn’t spread their discontent to others.  I actually welcomed such complaints because there were times when people observed matters that I couldn’t possibly notice.  I always thanked those who had the courage to come and speak with me personally.

But I was always on the lookout for complainers who started to form coalitions.  It is not a sin to feel uncomfortable about something in a church, or to share your concern with a church leader, or even to have a conversation with another attendee about that same matter.  But it is a sin to form a group within the church whose express purpose is to get its own way.  And once the group begins to deliberate, it usually concludes that it cannot get its way unless it first gets rid of whoever is standing it its way – and that person is usually the pastor.

No one can ever detect every budding alliance in a church, but just determine that you will never form or join such a group.

I once met with a group of Christian clergy who were dissatisfied with the leaders of the organization that we all served.  Several of these men began to suggest that we could remove the leaders and “take back” the organization.  While listening to my colleagues talk, I could sense how powerful they felt.  But I eventually spoke up and told my friends that I wouldn’t have anything to do with plotting against the organization’s leaders, even though I was distressed by some of their decisions.  My words of protest threw a wet blanket over the whole discussion, and the leaders never again entertained the idea of overthrowing their superiors.

But I shudder to think what might have happened if I had either agreed with them or remained silent.

If you’re unhappy with your church or upset with your pastor for some reason, choose not to complain to others, even your good friends.  Instead, go to the person you’re upset with and talk to them about the matter.  That’s what Jesus instructed us to do (Matthew 18:15-17).

But you can form an alliance with one party: the Lord Himself.  Go into your closet and have a secret meeting with Him.  Unload your concerns about your church and its leaders.

Because in the long run, forming a coalition with the Father is far more effective – and uniting – than forming an alliance with any of your spiritual brothers and sisters.

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Skipping Steps

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Fighting Evil, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians on January 14, 2011| 2 Comments »

Imagine this:

You work as a supervisor at a company that you really like.  You look forward to coming to work each morning, enjoy your co-workers, and find your position utilizes your special gifts and strengths.  Most of all, you believe that you are making a real contribution to your company.  You are always included in management meetings and believe that your ideas make your company better.  You plan on keeping your job for many years to come.

Your company has been undergoing some changes recently, and there’s a lot of anxiety on everyone’s part.  Then one day, you attend an all-company meeting at which the top leaders make a presentation concerning the company’s future and actively solicit feedback from its workers.  You quickly discover that you were excluded from the latest round of meetings and that decisions have been made without your knowledge or approval.

Suddenly, one of your co-workers stands up and accuses you of violating company policy.  You’re taken aback because this is the first time you’ve ever heard of this charge.  You know it isn’t true, and you want to defend yourself, when another co-worker stands up and makes a second charge against you.  You ask yourself, “What in the world is going on here?  Why are they attacking me?”

Before you know it, some other people are making accusations against you as well.  The charges sound like they could be true to others, but you know they are completely false.  After a few minutes, the tide of the meeting has turned so ugly that you just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.

For those of you who work in a company, how likely is the above scenario?

It’s not.  Why not?  Because most companies create policies that protect their workers – and leaders – from being ambushed like that.  If your supervisor believes that you’ve done something wrong, he or she is supposed to sit down with you and talk to you about it face-to-face.  You should never, ever hear negative information about yourself for the first time in a public meeting, and if it did happen, you might very well have legal grounds for taking action against that company.

Then why do all too many churches allow this kind of attack against their pastor?

Jesus, the Founder and CEO of the Christian Church, described the required protocol whenever one worker has a complaint against another worker.  The process is given to us in Matthew 18:15-20.  The steps are simple:

*If I believe that a fellow believer has sinned – especially against me – than I have the responsibility of going to that person directly and confronting him or her with what I have seen or heard.  If they “listen to you” and repent of their actions, then you have restored that person and no further action needs to be taken.

But you don’t first bring up their offenses in a public, all-church meeting.  That’s skipping steps.

*If they refuse to “listen,” Jesus says, then you are to take along one or two other people.  Once again, you repeat the first step but with additional witnesses present.  This elevates the seriousness of the charges.  Once again, the goal is restoration and redemption, not destruction and termination.

But you still don’t go to the church with your charges.  That’s skipping steps.

*Only if the accused individual refuses to change after the first and second encounter should anything be brought up before the church.  Jesus concludes in Matthew 18:17, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” – in other words, as someone who is excluded from the fellowship.

These steps are redemptive and deliberate.  Confronting another believer with sin involves a progressive process, Jesus says, and the steps are crucial.  You must work the steps in the order prescribed without blowing past the first two steps.  If you can’t work step one, then quit.  Don’t jump right to step three.

But in way too many Christian churches, pastors are ambushed in public meetings with charges they have never heard before.  And sadly, most people who attend those meetings let it happen.

Can you imagine how horrible you would feel if you were abused at your workplace in that fashion?  You’d probably reach for the phone and call an attorney right away.

But who can pastors call when this sort of thing happens to them and no one stands up for them?

If I attended a public church meeting, and someone stood up and began making public charges against a pastor, here’s what I would do:

I would grab my Bible and asked to be recognized by the moderator of the meeting as soon as possible.  Then I would read Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15-20 in a clear, bold voice.  Then I would ask this question of the accuser:

“Have Jesus’ steps in this passage been followed?”

If the answer came back, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” then I would ask the moderator to dismiss the meeting and make sure Jesus’ steps were followed before any charges were ever brought to the congregation again.  If the moderator would not comply, then I would turn on my heel and walk out of the meeting – because Jesus had ceased being the Head of that church.

But I would go further.  (It’s dangerous to have a pastor as a regular church member, is it not?)  I would insist that if the charges made against the pastor turned out to be false that the church exercise discipline on those who made the charges.

What’s the biblical basis for that?

In the Old Testament, what happened to false witnesses?  Moses writes in Deuteronomy 19:16-19: “If a malicious witness takes the stand to accuse a man of a crime, the two men involved in the dispute must stand in the presence of the Lord before the priests and the judges who are in office at the time.  The judges must make a thorough investigation, and if the witness proves to be a liar, giving false testimony against his brother, then do to him as he intended to do to his brother.  You must purge the evil from among you.”

Did you catch the second-to-the-last phrase?  “If the witness proves to be a liar, giving false testimony against his brother, then do to him as he intended to do to his brother.”  If the witness hoped his charges resulted in the stoning of the accused – and the charges proved to be false – then the witness should be stoned, Moses says.

The result?  One less malicious liar in Israel – and all the other gossips and haters are put on notice that their crap won’t be tolerated.

You say, “But that’s the Old Testament.  You won’t find anything like that in the New.”

But we do in Titus 3:10-11, where Paul writes, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time.  After that, have nothing to do with him.  You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.”

Paul advocates turning the tables on divisive individuals, working the steps in Matthew 18 in an attempt to get them to repent of their body-fracturing behavior.  While many of us would prefer just to boot them out of the church with a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” sentiment, once again, the steps cannot be skipped: they must be worked.

Even though these verses are in Scripture, how often are they carried out in our churches?  And if not, why not?  I’d like to hear your thoughts.

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Who’s Good at Confrontation?

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians on January 12, 2011| 7 Comments »

Have you ever had this happen to you?

Someone you know and love is heading in the wrong direction.  Maybe they’re drinking too much, or blowing money sky high, or are on the wrong career path.  You really want them to know how you feel, but you’re not quite sure you should get involved.

So you wait.  And you pray about it.  And you muster up your courage.  And you pray about it some more.  Then you wait for just the right time, all the while mentally rehearsing the words you’re going to use.

Then the moment presents itself … and you chicken out.  You let the opportunity pass.  You begin to second guess yourself, wondering if you’re just too critical.  But that good friend continues to make poor decisions, and you know you just have to say something.  So you do … and it all goes horribly wrong.

Your friend is hurt by what you said, so hurt that you fear you’ve risked your friendship for good.  You try phoning your friend, but she won’t call back.  You email her – zilch.  You text her, but she doesn’t respond.

You go over what you said again in your mind.  You tried your best to use the right words in a caring fashion.  You monitored your tone during the minute that you spoke and believe you showed genuine concern.  You honestly don’t feel that you did anything wrong, but your friend obviously doesn’t agree, and a cold war has broken out between the two of you.

It’s no wonder that people run from conflict like they’re fleeing from a rattlesnake on their front porch (a unique Arizona experience).

I hate confronting people.  Who am I to tell someone that they’re messing up their life?  Maybe I’m not the best person for the job.  Don’t I have enough dysfunctionality in my own life to work on without intervening in other people’s lives?  (The answer is “Yes,” so no need to comment!)  Why should I take on the responsibility for how someone else lives?

The average person doesn’t have to worry about engaging in too many confrontations.  Wives sometimes must confront their husbands.  Dads occasionally need to confront their sons.  Bosses periodically must confront those they supervise.  But most of us are adept at dodging confrontations because we’re just not very good at them.

But when you’re a pastor … confrontation is part of your job.  Staff members mess up.  Volunteers don’t show up.  Families nearly blow up.  While you’d prefer not to deal with matters, one of the jobs of a pastor is to intercept entropy.  If things are sliding downhill fast, you have to say something or else people will hit bottom and implode.

With staff members, you walk down the hall and have a little chat.  Most of the time, it goes well.  Occasionally, you have to call a staff member into your office so they know you’re serious.  Some of the staff take correction well, while others never do.  In fact, the source of a lot of conflict between pastors and staff members occurs right after the pastor engages in a confrontation, because from that moment on, many staff start viewing the pastor as their personal enemy.  While the pastor may not be conscious of this fact, that staff member will probably tell his network how much the pastor hurt him, and how unfair he is, and how he doesn’t know if he can work for the pastor anymore – and some in the network will side with their friend, which can keep the staff member from trying to change.

When the pastor confronts a volunteer, some listen and comply with the pastor’s concerns, while others ignore the pastor’s wishes, complain to their network, or eventually quit.

No one ever puts “confrontation” into a pastoral job description, but it’s a necessary part of a pastor’s calling.  Very few pastors are good at it, either by technique or by results.

Speed Leas is, in my judgment, the greatest living Christian consultant on conflict management.  He takes a biblical yet realistic approach to the whole issue.  I have read everything that he’s written on the topic that is currently in print, as well as his out-of-print manual Managing Your Church through Conflict, the single greatest resource on conflict I have ever read.

In the book he co-authored titled Mastering Conflict & Controversy, Leas wrote:

“I’ve always struggled with conflict in my life.  Conflict has been hard for me.  I haven’t understood it, and I haven’t understood myself when I’ve been in conflict.  My work is partly a quest to understand what happens to me when I get in a conflict, so I can do better.”

I struggle with conflict, too.  As a pastor, I never liked it and usually tried to avoid it, but there were times when I was forced to engage in it or else (a) a person might be destroyed, (b) a family might be destroyed, (c) the church might be destroyed, or (d) I might be destroyed.  Knowing that confrontations can easily backfire, whenever a pastor senses God leading him to do it, that confrontation must be considered a loving act.

Paul put it this way in Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”  Translation: only spiritual individuals (not just leaders) should confront others, but they should do it gently and with humility.  Most of us are pretty fragile inside, no matter how we appear externally, and we rebel against harsh, arrogant attempts at correction.  Most people – including children – only respond positively to demonstratable love.

I have found that I can usually control a lot of elements when it comes to confrontation: the place, the time, the seating, my tone of voice, my language, my facial expressions.  But what I cannot control is how another person will respond to my correction attempt.  That’s what makes confrontation so … adventuresome … and troublesome … at the same time.

Although I can’t locate the exact book in which he said it (half of my books are in boxes in the garage), I recall reading something Charles Swindoll once wrote.  He said that about half the time that he had to confront someone, things turned out well, but the other half, things turned out poorly.  Same confronter, different confrontees, varying results.

Maybe the primary reason we’re uncomfortable confronting people is because we can’t predict with certainty how our friend will respond – or if we’ll still be friends afterwards.  But followers of Jesus need to obey their Lord, and Matthew 18:15-20 is still in The Book: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

If that one verse was obeyed by all parties, friends would nearly always stay friends, pastors would almost never be forced out of churches, and churches would never split.

Although I’m not very good at confrontation – and admit it, you aren’t, either – we need to learn to do better.  When confrontation works, people are transformed, families are saved, and churches become healthier.

With God’s help, it’s worth it.

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Innocent Bystanders

Posted in About Restoring Kingdom Builders, Church Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination on January 11, 2011| 3 Comments »

Have you ever looked back on your life and wished you had taken a different path than the one you chose?

Humanly speaking, I should have turned down the first invitation I received to become a pastor.  After graduating from seminary, I was ordained by my home church.  A few months later, I was invited to speak at a small church in Silicon Valley.  I was in my late twenties and the church was mostly composed of seniors – not exactly a recipe for church growth!

In the five years that church had been in existence, I was their fourth pastor.  The previous pastor was forcibly terminated after he became angry at a church bowling party.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have contacted him and asked him directly why he had been fired.  At least I would have gotten both sides of the story.

But I didn’t contact him, the church called me as pastor, and I accepted.  Before long, my family of three left Orange County for Santa Clara Valley.

Those were the days when a pastor was still expected to do home visitation, so every Thursday night, one of the deacons and I visited people from the church- only there weren’t many people in the church.  So the deacon suggested that we visit the people who left the church when the previous pastor was fired.  Not a good idea.

Sometimes we’d set up an appointment, other times we’d make cold calls.  The people we visited tried their best to be polite, especially when the deacon introduced “our new pastor” to them, but the whole exercise was a colossal waste of time.  We’d stay for an hour or so, but it was obvious that none of the people we visited ever intended to return to the church.

Why not?  Because they liked the previous pastor and the church board had fired him.

Those poor people looked lost.  They didn’t sound very enthusiastic about their faith (if they ever did) and they weren’t very excited about going to church (if they were going anywhere at all).  When the board fired the pastor, they ended up damaging a lot of people who viewed the pastor as someone special in their life.  And while this may sound borderline heretical, that pastor represented God to them.

Yes, some pastors are too incompetent to be in the ministry, and yes, some eventually disqualify themselves by their sinful lifestyles and harmful actions.  But if a pastor must be released from ministry, the way he’s released will indicate whether (a) he and his family, (b) his church friends, (c) new believers, and (d) new members continue to follow Christ and/or continue attending any local church in the future.

Last Saturday down in Tucson, a lone gunman tried to assassinate a member of the United States House of Representatives.  While she is still clinging to life (and we pray for her complete recovery), we sadly realize that his actions did not just damage his target, but harmed many innocent bystanders, entire families, and even our whole nation.  The assassin may not have intended to harm others but he did so all the same.

I beg you: if you are ever involved in the termination of a pastor or staff member – either as a board member or a church member – make sure the process is done biblically, graciously, slowly, and redemptively.

That’s why I’m starting our new ministry Restoring Kingdom Builders.  One of my goals is to educate as many Christians as I can about the devastating effects of forced exits on pastors, their families, and the congregations they leave behind.  We as Christians can handle these situations so much better than we do.

I would appreciate your prayers for our new ministry.  And if I can answer any questions for you about church conflict or the forced termination of pastors, I would be happy to do so.  May the Lord richly bless you!

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Detecting The Enemy’s Work

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination on January 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »

How can we know when the devil is responsible for conflict in a church?

I asked that question over lunch many years ago to a worldwide expert on spiritual warfare, Dr. Ed Murphy, who wrote the massive book The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare.  Dr. Murphy was a professor of mine both in college and in seminary and had been supported as a missionary by my home church.

His answer?  “That’s the $64,000 question,” he replied.

James seems to indicate that conflicts originate in our sinful nature.  He writes in James 4:1-2: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.”  Paul appeals in the name of Christ to his spiritual family in Corinth and pleads “that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (I Corinthians 1:10).  Neither James nor Paul indicate that Satan is involved in every conflict, whether it’s between a husband and wife, parent and child, or pastor and staff member.  Many conflicts – perhaps most – arise out of our stubborn desire to get our own way.

It’s important that we discern the real source of a conflict so that we know best how to resolve it.  Jesus’ words in Luke 17:3-4 indicate the best way to resolve an interpersonal conflict: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”  Jesus states that rebuke + repentance + forgiveness = reconciliation.

While we have all experienced interpersonal conflict, and know how to resolve matters in most cases (though we often lack the courage), devil-inspired conflict is very, very different.

In the midst of a knockdown, drag-out debate with the Jewish leaders in John 8, Jesus attributed their attitude toward Him to “your father, the devil.”  Beyond supernatural discernment, how did Jesus know that His enemies had aligned themselves with the enemy?  Boldly and confidently, Jesus says:

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire.  He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44).

This is the single greatest statement in all of Scripture on the work of Satan, made by the single greatest authority on spiritual matters.  In short, the devil is “a murderer” and “a liar.”  That is, Satan specializes in destruction and deception.

The Jewish leaders were trying to destroy Jesus.  They hated Him so much that they wanted to kill Him.  He knew it and deliberately attributed their hatred to Satan.  And because those who want to destroy another person will use any means necessary to accomplish their goal – including blatant lies – Jesus attributed the malicious charges of the Pharisees to Satan as well.

Peter, who may well have witnessed this very debate, wrote in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

Over the past several weeks, I’ve seen a large coyote trotting through our backyard on two occasions.  (None of the backyards have fences.)  This morning, while driving home from an errand, I saw what might have been the same coyote walking through a neighborhood near our house.  (I pulled off the road to watch him.  He split.)  What is that coyote doing?  “Looking for someone to devour” (like a rabbit).  While that coyote doesn’t frighten me – my four-pound dog Tito barked at one and made it run last summer – a roaring lion gallivanting through my neighborhood certainly would!

But notice Peter’s language: the devil is seeking someone “to devour.”  He is in the job of destroying Christians.  While he destroys believer’s bodies all the time through terrorism and martyrdom, he also tries to destroy Christian movements and churches by targeting spiritual leaders (like Jesus, the apostles, missionaries, and pastors).  And what’s saddest of all is that sometimes Christians are the perpetrators of that very destruction.

Let me confess: I have known some Christian leaders I don’t like.  Some are interpersonally cold.  Others never listen to anyone’s voice than their own.  A few just care about money.  A handful are massive hypocrites.  But I would never, ever take action to destroy them or their ministries, even if I had likeminded allies.  That’s doing the devil’s work for him.  That is what he wants.  Remember, the Pharisees and Sadducees believed they were doing God’s work by arranging for Jesus’ execution when all the time, they were just putty in Satan’s ugly little hands.  Their hatred for Jesus caused them to form an alliance with Satan.

In addition, Satan aims to deceive people into believing lies.  His arsenal includes innuendo, exaggeration, speculation, rumors, misinterpretation, false accusations, and outright falsehood.  Jesus asked His countrymen’s leaders in John 8:46: “Can any of you prove me guilty of sin?”  They couldn’t.  But because they wanted to destroy Jesus, they eventually chose to deceive people into believing that He was guilty of three capital crimes: blasphemy against God, desecrating the temple, and sedition against Rome.  Jesus was executed on trumped-up charges and behind them all was the forked tongue of the deceiver himself.  Satan’s lies were parroted through the mouths of religious people.

If Satan uses destruction and deception to eliminate Christian leaders – and he hasn’t changed his template in twenty centuries – how can twenty-first believers defeat his attacks?

First, seek restoration rather than destruction.  When Christians lie about a leader to get rid of him, that’s Satanic.  When believers “play politics” to kick out a leader, that’s Satanic.  When believers charge a leader with unproven charges to force him to resign, that’s Satanic.

Before Christmas, I was sharing the story of the way I was forced to leave the last church I served as pastor, and the person with whom I was speaking, a long-time Christian leader, interrupted me and said, “That’s Satanic.”

The biblical way to handle a sinning or ineffective leader is to gently encourage that person (Galatians 6:1-2) to repent of any known sin (1 Timothy 5:19-21) with the purpose of “winning” them (Matthew 18:15-17) or “restoring them” (Galatians 6:1) to spiritual health.  While the New Testament clearly permits “kicking out” believers from a church, it is only to be done when those same believers have been sinning and repeatedly refuse to repent (Matthew 18:15-17; Titus 3:9-10).  The New Testament knows nothing about destroying a leader’s reputation or lying about him just to force him to leave.

Second, seek truthfulness instead of deception.  Christians, who believe that Jesus is “the truth” and that “the truth will set you free,” can sometimes become the purveyor of lies.  If we like someone, we are slow to believe anything negative we hear about them.  If we don’t like someone, we are quick to believe the dirt.  The better way to handle rumors and speculation is to go to the source about an accusation and ask him/her about its accuracy.  If possible, ask the person for evidence that they’re telling the truth.  Sometimes it takes just one phone call to dispel a rumor.

But more than anything, be determined to tell the truth in every situation and to every person.  I know that’s what our parents taught us to do, but it’s amazing how Christians have a hard time doing just that sometimes.  The best way to combat lies is with the weapon of truth.  Tell the truth, over and over and over again, and watch Satan run!  Lie and he’ll move toward you.  Be truthful and he’ll scamper away.

One of my mentors was forced to leave his church as pastor, but before he left, he told the congregation that he would vigorously defend his character and his ministry.  (And he had an attorney friend in the church to make sure that happened.)  Pastors, when people lie about you and you leave the record uncorrected, who gains?  Not Jesus.  Not the kingdom.  The enemy does.  And he not only seeks to harm you, he seeks to harm that church as well.

If you’re in a church, and you’re unhappy with your pastor for some reason, refuse to harm him or spread lies about him.  Instead, pray for him.  Encourage him.  Do something tangible for him.  Expect nothing in return.  If matters don’t change after a while, refuse to say, “This is my church!  He needs to leave!”  Instead, you quietly depart and begin searching for a church where you can fully support the minister and the ministry.

The greatest thing Peter ever said was that Jesus was “the Christ, the Son of the living God.”  Jesus attributed Peter’s insight to “my Father in heaven” (Matthew 16:16-17). But maybe the worst thing Peter ever said followed Jesus’ prediction that He would eventually be killed: “Never, Lord!  This shall never happen to you!”  Jesus immediately told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!”

If God could speak through Peter one moment, and Satan could speak through him the next, then you and I need to be on our guard so that the enemy does not use us as well.

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Criticism is Inevitable

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories on January 3, 2011| 4 Comments »

Christian songwriter-singer Chris Tomlin is coming to our church for two concerts several months from now.  For some reason, this announcement took my mind back to the mid-1980’s and a conflict I had with two church leaders over contemporary Christian music.

The first church that I served as pastor met in the cafeteria of an elementary school that was difficult to find even with a map.  We almost never had guests, and when we did, they rarely came back, and I couldn’t blame them.  Few people were looking for a church that was a throwback to the 1950’s, and that’s what we were, at least for a while.

One December Sunday morning, I was out sweeping the walks before our service when a family of four walked toward the cafeteria.  I introduced myself to them and privately thought, “Wow!  Wouldn’t it be something if this family made ours their church home?”  Miraculously, they stayed, even though we had no youth ministry for their daughter and son.

Over time, the man of the house became a member of the deacons (our governing board) and later chairman of the board.  His wife became head of the deaconesses.  We all got along very well.

One Saturday night, our youth pastor took the expanding youth group to a Christian rock concert in a neighboring community, and this couple’s kids went along.  I trusted the youth pastor’s judgment and didn’t feel any need to veto the activity.  After all, the youth group weren’t going to hear Madonna or AC/DC but Christian artists.  What could possibly be wrong with that?

It just so happened that this father and mother had attended a Christian university that believed that all rock music – even with Christian lyrics performed by Christians – was wrong, if not of the devil.  When they found out what kind of concert their kids attended, they became quite upset.

Soon afterwards, this couple gave me a 15-page typewritten document specifying the evils of rock music.  The document was lifted from a book that condemned all contemporary Christian music.  I read the document carefully and made notations in the margins, disagreeing with some points and seeking evidence for others.  Eventually, I bought and read the book this couple used to make their points.  Most of it was way overblown.

I called the deacon chairman, told him I had thoroughly read his document, and asked if we could meet to discuss it.  He asked me point blank, “Are you still going to allow the youth group to go to Christian rock concerts?”  I told him, “Yes.”  I’ll never forget his next words: “Well, then, we’re leaving the church.”  And they did.

I tried to get together with him again, but to no avail.

Suddenly, our church didn’t have a chairman of the deacons or a woman leading the deaconesses.  They were there one Sunday and gone the next.  To compound the situation, this couple’s daughter fell in love with one of the young men in the church and they made marriage plans.  Although this young couple met at our church, neither my wife nor I were invited to their wedding (held somewhere else) even though nearly everyone else at our church was.

I’ve had more than 25 years to reflect on what happened back then, and I don’t know what I could have done differently.  Maybe I shouldn’t have allowed a husband-wife combo to both be in such prominent places of leadership, and maybe I should have thought twice about putting anyone into leadership who attended their particular legalistic school.  But our church was small, and we didn’t have many volunteers willing to serve in leadership capacities.

But there was no way I could have known about their beliefs toward “Christian rock.”  At the time, I listened to Keith Green, Chuck Girard, Phil Keaggy, and Amy Grant, and their music was tame compared to mainstream artists.  For me, reaching young people for Jesus was far more important than legalistic rules, but this was a big issue for them.  What bothered me most wasn’t their attitude toward the music, but that they refused to meet and discuss the matter.  They laid down an ultimatum: quit taking kids to Christian rock concerts or we’ll instantly leave this church.  I wouldn’t, so they did.  I never saw them again.

Pastors make scores of decisions behind-the-scenes of their churches every week, and because they can never know the personal convictions of each person in their fellowships, pastors can’t possibly know how each judgment call will be perceived.  Some of the time, his leadership will be applauded.  Occasionally, someone will take offense at something.  Sometimes he’ll hear about it, other times he won’t.  But criticism of a pastor nearly always gets around.

A pastor’s decisions will both attract people to a church and repel people as well.  In the last church I served as pastor, a woman visited the church on two consecutive Sundays and then wrote me a note on her response card.  For some reason, I did not receive the note until after the following Sunday.  She criticized me for not preaching on John 3:16 every week and said she would no longer return for that reason.  What she did not know is that the next Sunday – which she missed – I did preach on John 3:16 (it had nothing to do with her) and some people received Christ into their lives.  The following day, I received her note.  How was I to take that?

What’s my point?  A pastor has to lead a church the way in which God leads him.  He has to set out a course and stick to it.  When he does – regardless of the direction – he will receive criticism, and some of it will originate from people whom he loves dearly.  And when that happens, some people will leave the church and blame the pastor for their departure.

The only time I’ve ever seen Rick Warren cry was when he talked about all the people who have left Saddleback Church over the years.  Even when some followers reject their leader, a good shepherd continues to care about those precious sheep.

If you’re a pastor, ask God for direction, seek confirmation from other leaders, put your head down, and lead!  Some will leave, but most will follow your leadership.  If you hurt when people leave, it shows you still have a shepherd’s heart.

And if you have a church home, and the pastor does something you don’t like, you have at least four choices: pray for him regularly, support him anyway, speak with him directly, or leave the church permanently.

I trust that the latter option will be your last resort.

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Neutralizing the Church Police

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Fighting Evil, Personal Stories, Please Comment! on December 29, 2010| 3 Comments »

It’s quite a challenge to be a youth pastor in any era, but it was particularly difficult in the late 1970’s.  I served in a church that was about ten miles from Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa, California, and many of our people were drawn to the verse-by-verse teaching of Pastor Chuck Smith as well as the praise choruses emanating from that body.  (Contemporary Christian music originated at Calvary.)  Some people would attend the Sunday morning service at our church but then sneak over to Calvary for the evening service – and then they would come back to our church and want it to be like Calvary, which it was never going to be.

Our church had a piano, an organ, and a choir (with robes), but Calvary had guitars at several of their evening services during the week and rock bands at their Saturday night concerts.  It wasn’t long before that influence crept into our youth group, a development I welcomed.  We sang a lot of praise songs – with acoustic guitar accompaniment – but that was as far as we could go.

Until one day, a young man in the church decided to put on a youth musical written by John Fischer.  The musical required drums.

One Saturday afternoon, before or after practice (I forget), as the youth were banging on drums and other instruments in the worship center, two retired men walked into the sanctuary and threw everyone out.  These men especially expressed their disdain for drums.  (Hadn’t they read Psalm 150?  Guess not.)

I liked these men personally and always counted them as friends and supporters.  But without warning, they assigned themselves the unofficial role of church police.

Suddenly, they were wreaking havoc everywhere they went.  They would drive by the church at different hours of the day.  If the pastor’s car was missing from its customary space, they assumed he was at home napping or watching television.  If my car was missing, they assumed I was out goofing around someplace.  The pastor preferred being away from the church building because he liked to visit people in hospitals and their homes.  Because I was attending seminary in the mornings, I didn’t arrive at the church until 10:30 am, but even then, my ministry wasn’t confined to the church campus.

Before long, the church police began making all kinds of wild accusations, mostly against the pastor.  They believed that because they didn’t see his car parked outside his office all the time, he wasn’t working hard enough for them.  They successfully began to find allies who agreed with them.  A man walked up to me after a Sunday evening service and told me that if the pastor didn’t start working harder, ten percent of the church was going to leave.

I loved my pastor and tried to do everything I could to defend him against the attacks that were building against him.  I went to the governing board and pleaded with them to stand behind their pastor, but they chose to do nothing.  Frustrated, I then took a friend with me and we visited the most powerful layman in the church, but only because we knew he supported the pastor whole-heartedly.  As we recounted the onslaughts against our pastor, we tried to protect the identity of the troublemakers, but this wise man told us, “Gentlemen, when Paul talked about those who caused him trouble in his ministry, he used names.  Who are these people you’re talking about?”  Reluctantly, we told him.

As far as I could tell, no action was ever taken against the Destructive Duo.

Then one day, when the pastor was on vacation, I received a phone call.  One of the two “church policemen” dropped dead of a heart attack.  He was in the process of moving to another state when he collapsed and immediately expired.  Since I was the only other pastor on staff, I went to this man’s home to console his shocked widow.  His funeral was held a few days later, and I’ll never forget it, because our pastor had to come home from vacation to conduct the service – and he wasn’t very happy about it.

After that pastor retired, another pastor came to the church.  After a short while, he was tired of the antics of the second retired guy who complained about everything.  After several warnings, this pastor told the complainer to leave the church campus and never come back.  It didn’t matter that his wife was a sweet woman, or that they had friends in the church, or that they had been there longer than the pastor.  The pastor had had enough, and since nobody was willing to take any action concerning the griper, he took matters into his own hands – and it worked.  The church was able to get on with its mission because an internal dissenter had left.

Hear me loud and clear: when people cause trouble in a church – whether they are charter members or have many friends or are politically connected – they need to be informally or officially confronted and warned to stop their complaining, because complaining has a way of growing into church cancer.  If they won’t stop, then there are at least four possible scenarios:

First, their complaints spread while more people take up their cause.  This is a recipe for a church splinter, split, or coup.  Believe me, you do not want this to happen.

Second, their complaints spread and eventually focus on the pastor, who becomes the scapegoat for all that is wrong in the church.  These kinds of complaints can easily lead to the pastor’s forced exit and throw the church into chaos.

Third, the official leaders of the church gain some God-given courage and confront the complainers, telling them that they have three choices: (a) come to a board meeting and lay all your complaints out there, (b) then stop the complaining altogether and let the board handle matters, or (c) leave the church without taking anyone with you.  Unfortunately, many boards back down at this point because some of the complainers are their friends, and after all, they reason, it’s easier to get a new pastor than it is new friends.

Finally, God strikes somebody dead.  “It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:26).

One of the constant themes of this blog is that the people of the church – not just the pastors and the governing board – have the power to stop troublemakers dead in their tracks.  Complainers are only permitted to operate because the people of the church listen to their gripes or look the other way even when they are aware that divisive actions are happening all around them.

If you attend a church and know that certain people are engaged in divisive activities, what could you do about it?  I’d love to hear your responses.

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Lying About Pastors

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , , , on December 28, 2010| 2 Comments »

My family enjoyed Christmas dinner with my brother-in-law’s family this past weekend, and we played a game around the table that proved to be oodles of fun.  Someone called it “telephone pictionary.”

We were each given small notepads and asked to write down a Christmas phrase like “figgy pudding” or “Santa Claus is coming to town.”  Then we passed our notepads to the next person who had to draw a picture of the phrase on the next page.  When that person was done drawing, they passed the notepad to the next person who examined the crude drawing, flipped the page, and tried to write down the original phrase.  Then we passed our notepads along, alternating between creating a drawing and coming up with a phrase.  When all fourteen of us finally received our original notepads back, it was quite amusing to hear how a phrase like “silent night” ended up becoming “dead potato” within just a few minutes.

The same phenomenon happens in churches all the time.  And unfortunately, the greatest victims of distorted communication are pastors and their families.

Years ago, I served as the pastor of a church that chose to write a new constitution and set of by-laws.  Four people served with me on the “constitution team” and we had some fascinating discussions about how our church should operate.  When we completed our draft, I preached on every major section of the document and invited questions and comments after each message.  (This was done at a Sunday evening service.  Remember those?)  The team recorded the best suggestions and included them in the final document before the congregation voted on it.  The whole process was transparent and participative.

I specifically asked that the following phrase be included: “This constitution will be null and void after five years.”  I took the phrase from a suggestion made by Ted Engstrom, one of the leading Christian management experts.  The purpose of the phrase was to ensure that the church’s governing documents would constantly be reviewed and revised.

However, a group in the church held a meeting around this time and invited a secular attorney to join them.  When the attorney was told about the “null and void” phrase in the proposed constitution, he concluded that I didn’t want the church to have any constitution after five years so that I could become the constitution and take over the church!  Sadly, this is what some people chose to believe even though they never asked me about it.

More recently, in the midst of a major conflict, a former attendee began telling people that “They finally caught him!”  (The “him” was me.)  Evidently she believed that I was guilty of some horrible sin in previous churches (even though she had never attended any of them) and that I was using the same modus operandi.  But I had no idea what she was talking about, although I’m sure there were souls who were willing to supply that information.  In some people’s eyes, my ecclesiastical crimes – although still unspecified – merited the worst possible punishment.  But, to be honest, being lied about is punishment enough.

Not long after this accusation surfaced, I ate separate meals with three different former board chairmen, none of whom evidently knew that they were breaking bread with someone who had committed unspeakable felonies when we had served the Lord together!

I have heard terrible things about many Christian leaders over the years.  While the charges are occasionally dead-on, more times than not they are completely twisted.

Charles Spurgeon, whose sermons were often harshly reviewed in the London papers of his time, encouraged the pastors of his college with regular talks on ministerial life.  In his classic book Lectures to My Students, Spurgeon’s chapter “The Blind Eye and the Deaf Ear” is the single greatest counsel on handling criticism I have ever read.  Spurgeon writes:

“In the case of false reports against yourself, for the most part use the deaf ear.  Unfortunately liars are not yet extinct, and … you may be accused of crimes which your soul abhors.  Be not staggered thereby, for this trial has befallen the very best of men, and even your Lord did not escape the envenomed tongue of falsehood.  In almost all cases it is the wisest course to let such things die a natural death.  A great lie, if unnoticed, is like a big fish out of water, it dashes and plunges and beats itself to death in a short time.  To answer it is to supply it with its element, and help it to a longer life.  Falsehoods usually carry their own refutation somewhere about them, and sting themselves to death.  Some lies especially have a peculiar smell, which betrays their rottenness to every honest nose.  If you are disturbed by them the object of their invention is partly answered, but your silent endurance disappoints malice and gives you a partial victory, which God in his care of you will soon turn into a complete deliverance.  Your blameless life will be your best defense, and those who have seen it will not allow you to be condemned so readily as your slanderers expect.  Only abstain from fighting your own battles, and in nine cases out of ten your accusers will gain nothing by their malevolence but chagrin for themselves and contempt for others.”

While Spurgeon notes exceptions to the above rule, his counsel is timeless.

They lied about David.  They lied about Job.  They lied about Jesus.  They lied about Paul.  And if you are doing anything worthwhile for the Lord, “they” (meaning Satan and his minions) will lie about you, too.  While I don’t like to be lied about (no one does), haven’t we all – knowingly or unknowingly – spread lies about others at times?

Years ago, I read Steven Covey’s classic The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  Some of the phrases in that book have become part of our culture (like “seek first to understand, then to be understood”).  But one of the best phrases in that book is just five words long: “Defend those who are absent.”  As conflict expert Speed Leas says, we tend to exaggerate when we talk about someone who isn’t around to defend themselves.  But when that person is in our presence, it’s surprising how carefully we phrase our words.

Resolve that you will never intentionally lie about anyone, especially Christian leaders.  If you hear what you suspect might be a lie going around about someone, contact them directly and ask if it’s true.  Isn’t that what you would want that person to do for you?

Proverbs 6:19 links “a false witness who pours out lies” with “a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.”  Deception and division go together.  Liars destroy reputations and separate friends.  Resolve to tell the truth in every situation, especially when it comes to Christian leaders.

Because when we spread lies about another person, we are doing the devil’s work for him.

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Disgraced or Graced?

Posted in About Restoring Kingdom Builders, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination on December 22, 2010| 3 Comments »

While reading the Christmas story again last week, I was struck by a phrase in Matthew 1:19.  After Mary was discovered to be pregnant – presumably with another man’s child – Joseph her fiancee had several choices to make.

Because he was “a righteous man” – a man who thoroughly kept the Mosaic law – he intended to break off their betrothal because she had been sexually unfaithful to him.  According to Deuteronomy 22:23-24, Joseph had every right to not only “divorce” Mary but also to insist that she be stoned in order to “purge the evil from Israel.”  Scripture seems to indicate that most men in Joseph’s situation would have had Mary executed.

But Matthew tells us that Joseph was guided by a different spirit.  The ex-taxman writes that Joseph “did not want to expose her to public disgrace” so he decided to “divorce her quietly.”

He did not want to expose her to public disgrace.  How unlike our culture.  How unlike our media.  And sadly, how unlike Christ’s church.

I’ve been reading Gayle Haggard’s book Why I Stayed recently.  As you may recall, Ted Haggard was the pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs – a mega church of 14,000 – as well as the president of the National Association of Evangelicals.  Some unflattering news surfaced about him a few years ago, and Pastor Haggard resigned from both his positions.  Many women – even Christian women – would have left Mr. Haggard at that point, and would have been biblically justified in doing so.  But Gayle chose to stick it out with her husband, thus the title of the book.

The story of her relationship with Ted makes for fascinating reading, but I was far more interested in the latter half of the book.  Gayle describes the way that prominent Christian leaders, the church’s governing board, and their friends treated them during this time, and although she maintains a gracious, non-vindictive spirit throughout, the same cannot be said for the believers involved.

The Haggards – including Gayle, who was innocent of wrongdoing – were treated in a humiliating way by the church they founded in the basement of their home.  Within a week of their departure, all traces of their ministry at the church had been purged.  People who knew them were interviewed so as to find more “dirt” on them.  Both believers and non-believers were able to say anything about them they liked but the Haggards were not permitted to reply.  They were even told they had to leave the state of Colorado which meant that their children had to leave behind their friends and schooling.

No matter what they did, it was eventually misinterpreted.  No matter what they said, it was flagrantly disregarded.

Pastors are fond of preaching on the fact that God can use anyone, even a liar like Abraham, a murderer like Moses, an adulterer like David, and a hothead like Peter.  But let that same pastor fall into sin and he will be tarred, feathered, and blogged about ad infinitum, often by people who are his own teammates.

Phil Keaggy, who has long been my favorite Christian male artist, co-wrote a song with Sheila Walsh called “It Could’ve Been Me.”  The song always makes me think and can bring me to tears.  (The song is found on the CD Way Back Home and is available on iTunes if you’re interested.)  After describing the fall of a Christian leader, Keaggy’s powerful chorus nails each one of us to the wall:

But it could’ve been me,

I could’ve been the one to lose my grip and fall.

It could’ve been me

The one who’s always standing tall.

For unless you hold me tightly, Lord,

And I can hold on too,

Then tomorrow in the news

It could be me, it could be me.

Just four chapters after Matthew 1, the grown-up Jesus said in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matthew 5:7).  When Mary “fell” – which is what Joseph thought until the angel enlightened him – Joseph chose mercy over vindictiveness.  Mary’s pregnancy undoubtedly caused her to lose her local reputation as a virtuous woman.  It might even have ended her chances of ever marrying anyone.

But although we now know the back story, neither Joseph nor the folks in Nazareth did at the time.  A modern love story would probably tell us that Joseph married Mary anyway, but as a keeper of the law, he couldn’t bring himself to do that … until God told Joseph that Mary was not only his soul mate but also the mother of the promised Messiah.

When pastors are forcibly terminated from their churches, they suffer many losses: their jobs, their income, their houses (in some cases), their careers (potentially), their marriages (sometimes) and most of their church friends.  And though they’re almost always innocent, their family members suffer those same losses.

But just like Mary and Ted Haggard, they also lose their reputations, whether the charges made against them are valid or not.

I find it ironic that pastors, who are conduits of God’s grace to scores of sinners throughout their ministries, cannot find that same grace when someone accuses them of wrongdoing.

May I urge you, not only at this Christmas season, but in every season of life, to be gracious toward every sinner who comes into your life, whether it’s a woman pregnant out of wedlock or a pastor who has been forced to leave his church because our Lord Jesus Christ suffered public disgrace that we might become recipients of His grace.

That’s why II Corinthians 8:9 is my favorite Christmas verse: “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.”

May God give us the ability to treat wounded Christian leaders with the same grace that Christ has shown us … because only grace can lead us home.

Merry Christmas!

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