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Archive for the ‘Church Health and Conflict’ Category

Can You Say “I’m Sorry?”

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians on February 15, 2012| 2 Comments »

While putting the finishing touches on the book I’m writing, I ran across this quotation from attorney Carl Lansing in his book Legal Defense Handbook for Christians in Ministry:

“The experts also indicate that very often a straightforward, genuine ‘I’m sorry’ is the key to unlocking a bitter legal debate . . . . ‘I’m sorry’ should not be seen as an apology from God.  Rather, His servants are imperfect and, on occasion, do cause harm.”

John Denver once had a song called “I’m Sorry.”  (I didn’t like it, but it hit Number One.)

Elton John sang, “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

Chicago sang, “Hard to Say I’m Sorry.”

And the Gin Blossoms had an album, Congratulations … I’m Sorry.  (Love their sound.)

When All in the Family was the top show in the nation in the 1970s, Archie Bunker mockingly criticized anyone who he felt was wrong, but when he was wrong, he just couldn’t say … “I’m sorry.”

Why can’t we admit we’re wrong at times?

Maybe we have a certain image of ourselves that we feel we must maintain at all times.

Maybe we’re afraid that if we confess a sin, someone important will turn their backs on us.

Maybe we don’t agree with our accusers that we did or said anything wrong.

Maybe it’s just our pride.

Or maybe it’s a combination of the above.

When I was a kid, I stole a piece of candy from Food Giant.  While I was clever enough to take it, I forgot to eat it, and my mother found it in my pants pocket.

She made me go back to the store and tell somebody, “I’m sorry.”

I felt awful.

Then she taught me 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

My part?

Confess my sins.  Agree with God that I messed up.  Tell God “I’m sorry” for breaking His law.

His part?

Forgive my sins.

Since He’s just, forgiving doesn’t violate His nature.

Since He’s faithful, He’ll forgive me every time I confess.

Yet for some reason, it’s easier to confess my sins to God than to others.

And this is especially true during a church conflict.

Christian conflict expert Speed Leas describes five levels of conflict.

If God’s people can keep a conflict at levels one or two, they can often resolve matters with a simple “I’m sorry.”

But when conflict escalates to levels four and five, Christians grant themselves blanket exonerations while demonizing their opponents.

At level four, believers wish to defeat their “enemies.”

At level five, they want to destroy them.

And when matters escalate to those levels:

*believers cannot resolve matters without outside help (a consultant, a mediator, a conflict manager)

*believers are unlikely to admit their part in the conflict for a long, long time

In other words, they’re convinced that in this situation, they’re 100% right and their opponents are 100% wrong.

Really?

Let’s be honest.  We all sin and fall short of the glory of God.  That was true at conversion, and it’s still true today.

We haven’t yet entered into a sinless state.

So that means that we mess up at times.

And when we do, we need to be honest enough to tell …

*our spouse

*our kids

*our parents

*our boss

*our co-workers

*our pastor

*our leaders

“Hey, I’m sorry.  I messed up.  Will you forgive me?”

I know people who never say those two words.  It’s hard to get close to them.  They seem inhuman.

Only one person never needed to say, “I’m sorry.”

And He’s the One who longs to hear you say it to Him so He can restore you to favor.

All together now: “I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t so bad, was it?

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Happy Valley, Tom Petty, and Reaching Out

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , on January 13, 2012| 2 Comments »

The church my wife and I attend opened last Sunday’s service with a Tom Petty song.

No, we didn’t sing it as a worship song.  The band performed it.

No, it wasn’t “Free Fallin’,” even though that song mentions Jesus.

No, it wasn’t “Southern Accents,” even though the bridge always moves me.  (“There’s a dream I keep having/where my mama comes to me/ and kneels down over by the window/and says a prayer for me.”)

The song was “Runnin’ Down a Dream,” and it was done well, even down to the “woo hoos.”  (The song went along with the theme “Catch the Vision for 2012.”)

With all the great worship songs out there, why would a church start a service with a song by a secular artist?

It all has to do with having an outreach orientation.

I grew up being taught the following evangelism philosophy:

The church gathers for worship weekly.  Then its people scatter back to their homes, neighborhoods, and workplaces to live out and share the gospel with unbelievers.

How well does that philosophy work?

At least in my experience, not very well.  The latest statistics are that only 2% of all Christians share their faith.  Most churches grow because believers leave smaller/unhealthy churches for a megachurch.

But how is that fulfilling Christ’s Great Commission?

I believe that being an outreach-oriented church isn’t about programming but about a mindset.

That’s why I was blown away by the State of the Church report that our pastor, Don Wilson, shared with our church last Sunday.

Let me share 12 things that Christ’s Church of the Valley (CCV) does well that demonstrates its outreach-orientation.  Please forgive me if it sounds like I’m a pitchman for the church.  The church has its flaws, but it does so many things right that it constantly amazes me.

1. Mission: WIN people to Christ, TRAIN believers to become disciples, SEND disciples to impact the world.

The church’s mission is WIN, TRAIN, SEND.

Notice the order: outreach is first, training is second.  Isn’t this the order of the Great Commission in Matthew 28:19-20?  “Make disciples … baptize them … teach them …”

In my experience, if outreach isn’t first, it won’t happen.

Parking Lot Attendant at CCV

2. Vision: Pastor Don doesn’t just want to win the community around the church for Christ.  He wants to win all of Phoenix for Christ because 86% of the people in Arizona don’t attend church.

That’s a huge vision!

The church is located on Happy Valley Road in northwest Phoenix, but people drive long distances to attend the church, coming from as far away as Surprise and Scottsdale.

A few years ago, CCV planted a church in Surprise.  In 2011, that church became CCV Surprise.  While the church in Surprise has a live worship time, Pastor Don’s messages are shown there on video.  In 2012, CCV will expand into Scottsdale.

3. Target: the church targets men.

If a church targets children, the whole family will come to church 7% of the time.

If a church targets mothers, 18% of the time.

If a church targets fathers, 93% of the time.

This may explain why there are TV monitors in the refreshment areas featuring sporting events every Sunday.  Last year, I watched an NFL playoff game at church while enjoying a hamburger lunch.  There was no reason to hurry home.

The church also offers competitive sports leagues on its campus, including an upcoming tackle football league.

Play Area for Kids at CCV

4. Strategy: the church encourages people to invite their friends, family members, and co-workers.

9% of the people who attend CCV came because they drove by.

9% found the church online.

11% saw the CCV bumper sticker on someone’s car.  (You see them everywhere in Phoenix.)

68% attend because they were invited by someone who already attends the church.

For churchgoers to invite others, their church has to offer people answers and experiences they cannot find anywhere else.

If I’m excited about my church, I will invite others.

Guests I Invited - They Each Get a Free Meal

5. Statistics: I do not believe any church can be measured merely by statistics, but they do tell a story.

Pastor Don said that the church aims to grow in 3 areas by 10% each year.

2010 worship attendance: 15,377 per week

2011 worship attendance: 17,855 per week

CCV Worship Center

2010 baptisms: 1,175

2011 baptisms: 1,539

2010 neighborhood group attendance: 5,711

2011 neighborhood group attendance: 8,158

6. Example: Pastor Don made a point of telling the church that he attends a neighborhood group, he invited neighbors to church, and he and his wife pledged to increase their giving for 2012.

Whenever a pastor challenges believers to do something, those people are wondering, “Are you doing what you’re asking us to do?”  Most people won’t know about a pastor’s involvement unless he shares it himself.

7. Training: CCV has four ways of training people: Starting Point (a once-a-month class orientation class); Foundations (where the church’s beliefs are presented); Neighborhood Groups (which are designed for both spiritual growth and outreach); and T-Groups (the “T” standing for Transformation, groups of 3 people who help each other grow spiritually).

Information Area, Normally Packed at Weekend Services

8. Missions: the church goes on short-term mission trips to places like Kenya, China, and Ireland, where they’re planting a church this year.  Pastor Don also travels to Africa several times a year to train pastors.  The church’s missions’ budget is $2.3 million annually.

Kenya? Did Someone Mention Kenya?

9. Compassion: the church assisted 1,400 families financially in 2011; provides free funerals (including the one for Harmon Killebrew); and has a team of people who assist widows.

Baseball Hall of Famer Frank Robinson after Harmon Killebrew's Funeral at CCV

My wife fell in the parking lot one Sunday morning, and within a couple minutes, a woman in a golf cart picked us up and drove us to the lobby entrance.  We were blown away by the culture of service.

10. Elders: the church has 9 elders, including a friend of ours we highly respect.

3 elders are selected every year.  Their names and brief biographies are placed in the program at the end of each year.  If you think there’s a reason they shouldn’t be an elder, you’re to write down that reason and submit it.

The elders are responsible for the church’s doctrinal purity and financial integrity, as well as praying for the sick and for the pastor before he preaches.

11. Impact: Toward the end of last week’s message, Pastor Don announced that CCV is now the 10th largest church in America, and one of the fastest growing.

And the church will celebrate its 30th anniversary this April.

Line for Christmas Eve Service at CCV

By the way, Pastor Don doesn’t compromise the gospel or any biblical commandments.  He hits the hard issues head-on.

12. Conflict: The more outreach-oriented a church truly is, the less conflict they have.  The more inreach-oriented a church is, the more conflict they have.

It’s possible that I may be leaving Phoenix soon.  If so, the Lord may have wanted me here in part to learn from a church like CCV.

I am not suggesting that your church should become like CCV.  Far from it!  But we can all learn something from other churches, especially those that are effectively winning people to Christ.

May the Lord richly bless you and your church in 2012!

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Confronting People Wisely

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged on December 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Years ago, a friend asked me to breakfast.  I had no idea what his agenda was.

Since we served together at church, I assumed we’d be discussing the ministry.

But he wanted to discuss something else: the way I’d been acting recently.

My friend told me that my attitude was alienating other church leaders.  Up to that point, I was unaware there was a problem.

He let me know lovingly but firmly that my attitude needed to change … and he gave me a letter reiterating his points, just in case I didn’t hear him accurately.  (I still have the letter.)

I have always been grateful for my friend’s actions because he confronted me in the precise way that Scripture commands.

Let’s assume that someone in your circle of influence has been displaying harmful attitudes or practicing destructive activity – and it’s negatively affecting your relationship with him or her.

My favorite verse to use during such times is Galatians 6:1-2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

How can you confront your friend wisely?  Let me quickly suggest five ways:

First, prepare your heart spiritually.  Galatians 6:1 says that only “you who are spiritual” should be involved in confronting others of sin.  Those who are reluctant to be involved are the most qualified, while those who are eager to confront others should leave the job to someone else.

Before you take any further steps, pray for the person, their situation, and your role in any confrontation.  Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know if you’re the right person to speak with your friend – and it will require divine courage.

Second, ask to meet with them in person.  Do your best not to confront someone via email or texting or the telephone if it’s a personal matter.  (Work-related issues may occasionally require using those means, though they’re not optimal.)

Instead, set up an appointment … but avoid telling them why you want to meet with them.  If you do, your friend may insist you reveal your agenda immediately – or they may choose not to meet with you at all.

Some people prefer a public place, like a restaurant, because it minimizes the chance that one party will make a scene.  On the other hand, if you need strict confidentiality, you may want to choose a more private location.

Third, express your love for the person … lovingly.  Let them know that you value them as a friend, that you’ve had some great times together, and that you hope your friendship will continue for years.  Help your friend feel safe and secure in your presence.  Author and professor David Augsburger calls this care-fronting.

Most of us only make lasting changes in life in the context of unconditional love.

When you meet your friend, they’ll see the concern on your face, which can’t be done through email or phone conversations.

Fourth, share your concerns gently and humbly.  Referring back to Galatians 6:1 above, sharing gently means you don’t scream, or use sarcasm, or convey a preachy tone.  Instead, you speak softly and slowly, even in measured tones.  In tennis terms, lob the ball over the net so they can easily hit it back.

And when you share humbly, realize that (a) you may have been guilty of the same sin in the past, (b) you are currently guilty of sins that your friend has never mentioned to you, and (c) you may be guilty of the identical sin you’re discussing with your friend in the future.

It’s possible that someday, you and your friend will reverse roles … so ban all self-righteousness from your life!

Finally, specify the behavior that concerns you, finishing with a question.  Examples:

“I love you, brother, but I’ve seen you inappropriately touching some women recently.  Am I seeing things accurately?”

“I’ve heard you criticize our pastor behind his back recently.  Are you aware of this?”

“You’ve missed four church services in a row.  Is life going okay for you?”

“I read something on your Facebook page recently that alarmed me.  May I tell you what it is?”

When you ask a question, you’re inviting a dialogue.  You’re not a prosecuting attorney, but a friend.  If your friend doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, you may have to share some examples of their misbehavior.

However, since you may be wrong either in your observations or your conclusion, stay humble!

In my second youth pastorate, my pastor confronted me about a financial issue.  He warned me, “Never borrow money from a church.”  I asked him what he was referring to, and he told me that he heard that the governing board had given me $107 to fix my car.  (I had been driving the youth kids all over creation – without a mileage allowance – so the board chose to pay my expenses without informing the pastor.)

I assured the pastor that the $107 was a gift, not a loan.  If I had to do it again, I’d thank him for his concern but encourage him to check out the story with a board member.

The aim of a confrontation is never shame, or guilt, but always restoration.  Jesus talks about “winning” your brother in Matthew 18:15-16.  You’ve noticed that your friend has become stuck in life, and in the words of Galatians 6:2, you want to help carry his or her burdens.

Will a confrontation like this work?  I once read where Charles Swindoll said it works about half the time.  Confronting someone is admittedly risky because you can end a relationship forever.

But on the other hand, confronting someone can also strengthen your bond with them.

How did things turn out when my friend confronted me many years ago?

We became even better friends … lifelong friends … and we enjoyed a three-hour lunch yesterday!

What additional ideas do you have for confronting people?

_____

Happy 2012 to all of my readers!  I’m nine views short of 11,000, so thank you for reading.  I never dreamed I’d have that many.  Some blogs receive thousands of views every day, and that would be nice … but I’m content with anyone who is helped by my articles.

If you want to suggest a topic, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

Meet you here next year!

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Forgiving Offenders … Jesus’ Way

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Please Comment! on December 28, 2011| 3 Comments »

His words still reverberate in my ears.

25 years ago, I served as pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.

People attend small churches for various reasons.  Near the top of the list is significance.

Many churchgoers want to have a say in decision-making, so leaders schedule lots of “business meetings.”

We had such a meeting one Sunday night after the evening service.

A woman made a statement in the meeting.  While I cannot recall her precise wording, she mentioned something positive about her Bible teacher, who was also a board member.

The board member interpreted her comment in a negative manner.  He quickly yelled out a response in front of the entire church, mentioning her indirectly.

The meeting was spinning out of control – and the moderator stood there in silence.

A few days after the meeting, I contacted the shouting board member and told him that he needed to apologize to the entire congregation for his behavior.

(If you sin in the presence of one person, you need to apologize to that one person.  Sin in front of a group, apologize to that group.  Sin in front of the congregation, apologize to the congregation.)

It took courage for me to speak with him.

He was twice my age.

He had been a pastor and a missionary in the past.

He was an intimidating individual.

He had vented his wrath on me at times, too.

But he had crossed a line, and he needed to acknowledge his mistake in front of his church family.

Sometimes we had guests on Sunday mornings, so that wasn’t the optimal time for his apology.

I invited him instead to make his apology during our next Sunday evening service when only our church family was present.

It was a so-so apology – maybe good for him, although not as sincere as I would have liked.

If the board member hadn’t apologized, I would have asked him to step down from the board.  Yes, leaders mess up, just like everyone else, but when we do, we need to make things right by admiting our sins and requesting forgiveness – especially when we sin in a public setting.

In this case, we forgave him, and that was that.

If this incident happened in your church, how would it have been handled?

Some Christians prefer to deny that anything happened.

Others excuse such misbehavior.

A few believers choose to avoid the sinner in the future.

Some decide to ostracize the offender instead.

And some believers quickly forgive the person without waiting for any type of confession on the offender’s part.

The church as a whole tends to ignore Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Notice the sequence: Your brother sins.  You rebuke him.  He repents.  You forgive him.

But we tend to ignore the rebuking and the repenting steps.  It’s too much work … and, truth be told, we often lack the courage to rebuke anyone … even our kids or friends.

So when our brother sins, we take a shortcut.  We instantly forgive him … but we really choose to overlook his sin instead.

That doesn’t help him at all.  He’s more susceptible to repeating his behavior.

And some people will choose to tiptoe around the offender from then on.

In the process, we teach our church that when you sin, nothing happens.

I seek to practice these words of Jesus in my own life and ministry.

They deal with sin realistically.

They heal relationships.

They provide true reconciliation.

This week, when a Christian brother or sister sins, gently rebuke him or her so they will repent.  In essence, Jesus says, “No repentance, no forgiveness.”  (Re-read the second half of verse 4 above.)

And when they repent, let them know you forgive them.

That’s Jesus’ way.

If Christians obeyed Luke 17:3-4, we’d have far less conflict and broken relationships in our churches.

And that’s the biblical way of dealing with sinning Christians.

So why don’t we do it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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How Good Do You Feel About Your Church?

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Personal Stories on December 21, 2011| Leave a Comment »

My wife and I currently live in Phoenix, Arizona.

When we arrived here two years ago, we had no idea how to find a church home.

So we went to the Willow Creek Association’s website, made a list of the churches in the WCA, and proceeded to visit them, one by one.

It was not an encouraging process.

Six months later, on July 4th weekend, we visited Christ’s Church of the Valley in northern Phoenix – at least a 20-minute drive from our home.

Except for a brief six-week interlude, we’ve been going there ever since.

Let me share with you eight qualities (among many) that cause believers to feel good about their church:

First, the greetings are sincere.  As we walk from our car to the worship center, parking attendants tell us with a smile, “The service is going to be great.”  Several hundred feet from the entrance, greeters smile, wave and say hello.  It’s not uncommon for us to be greeted ten times before we enter the lobby – and the greeters are stationed so we don’t have to guess where the worship center is located.

Second, the music is awesome.  The church has three worship leaders, they’re all terrific, and they work together well on stage.  We sing three worship songs – including a hymn sometimes – and enjoy hearing at least one performance song every week.

And the music is often surprising.  Last Sunday, after everyone left the stage, a lone guitar player lingered, and then sang and played a blues song about Jesus’ birth called “Baby Boy.”  The style was totally unexpected, but it worked.

Third, the atmosphere is relaxed.  You can dress the way you want.  You can bring water or coffee into the service.  Few people talk, though, because they want to hear what’s happening on stage.  The only time I’ve encountered the church police is when I tried to photograph something on stage using a flash.  (I was arrested but got out on bail.)

Fourth, the stage is creatively presented.  The last series was on the life of Joseph.  When you entered the worship center, the letters JOSEPH were spread across the back of the stage in a desert motif and stood at least six feet tall.

During the current series, “The Other ‘F’ Word” (family), there are four monitors placed on stage at varying heights.  Last week, each monitor displayed falling snow.  Really cool effect to set the mood.

Fifth, the messages are contemporary.  Don Wilson is our pastor, and although he’s not nationally known, he’s by far the best preacher I’ve heard in the Phoenix area.  His messages are biblically-grounded, well-researched, application-oriented, and delivered in a no-nonsense style.  When he talks about couples living together, or sex outside marriage, or other hot-button issues, he gives it to us straight, but in love.

Sixth, the messages include a testimony.  Most of the time, someone from the church is interviewed about the theme of the morning.  A few weeks ago, we heard a testimony from a former NFL player who is in an accountability group with Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback Tony Romo.  Last Sunday, a staff member was interviewed inside his home about the way he manages his family – and he and his wife shared some great ideas!

Seventh, the performance songs are moving.  I loved the Sunday last spring where the service began with U2’s “Until the End of the World.”  Several weeks ago, the song “100 Years” was done – a song I knew nothing about.  But it was so great I bought two versions on iTunes.  (It’s by Five for Fighting.)  The church has its pulse on where people are at both spiritually and culturally.

Finally, the church is consistently innovative.  Six or so years ago, Christmas fell on a Sunday, and some prominent evangelical churches closed their doors so their people could celebrate Christmas Day with family.  Both secular and Christian critics lambasted those churches, even though some of them held multiple Christmas Eve services.

Since Christmas Day falls on a Sunday this year, I wondered what CCV would do.  Pastor Don told us last Sunday.

The church doors will be open this Sunday from 9-11 am.  The staff will be present (in revolving shifts?).  A film about The Nativity will be constantly playing, and worshipers are invited to come and take communion.  You can bring your family to church, worship the Lord for a few minutes, and then go back home.

Brilliant.

I love so much about CCV.  It’s not heaven on earth, but it must be close, becaue I see so many CCV stickers on the back of cars all over Phoenix.

The church is having ten Christmas Eve services on its campus this year (six on its other campus), and you need tickets to guarantee you have a seat.  Based on last year’s crowd, we’ll be arriving early.

Two Sundays ago, I brought a long-time friend (the first person I ever led to Christ) to church, and he LOVED it – especially after he enjoyed scrambled eggs, bacon, and French toast after the service for free.  (All guests and their families receive a complimentary meal.)

A growing church really has to answer only one simple question:

Do you feel good enough about your church to invite family, friends, and co-workers?

If the answer is “yes,” your church is growing – and most likely, so are you.

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Tribute to a Mentor

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories on December 16, 2011| Leave a Comment »

How often do you reflect upon the people who have made a significant impact on your life?

Nearly twenty years ago, Gary McIntosh, a teacher from Talbot School of Theology (my seminary), stopped by the church I served as pastor in Silicon Valley.  Gary came to visit a former student, John, who was also our church’s outreach director.  John kindly introduced me to Gary.

I knew Gary from his Church Growth Newsletter and appreciated his work, as did many pastors I knew.

A few years later, when Gary was writing his book Make Room for the Boom … or Bust, he invited me to write the chapter on the rebirthed church model.  I had two weeks.  (The book has long been out-of-print, but ten years ago, I found and bought three copies at the Crystal Cathedral bookstore.)

Shortly after the book was published, Gary invited me to lecture for one of his doctoral classes at Talbot.  As exciting as that was, I valued the hours we spent together – five of them at his home – even more.

Several years later, I invited Gary to a lead a Saturday seminar at our church involving forty of our leaders.  Many of the profound changes we made to reach our community originated with those meetings.

When I was nearing the end of my doctoral studies at Fuller Seminary, the director of the final project/disseratation tried to switch advisors on me, which would have negated all the work I had already done.  (I was integrating Scripture with family systems theory and the recommended advisor insisted I use another system.)

I called Gary to ask him what I should do, and he volunteered to be my reader – and with his sterling reputation, Fuller quickly approved him.  It was an honor to have him critique my work – and saved me scores of hours of work.

Last summer, Gary invited me to attend the Society for Church Consulting conference at Biola/Talbot last month, where I met various Christian leaders who are trying to turn around churches that are struggling.

Calvary Chapel at Talbot School of Theology

With the room filled with experts like Paul Borden, Aubrey Malphurs, and Carl George, Gary hit a grand slam with his presentation on how a consultant can help turn around churches of various sizes and ages.

Beginning of Gary's Lecture on Church Turnarounds

During the conference, Gary introduced me to several Christian leaders who have already made a profound impact in my life and ministry.

While at the SFCC meetings, I also learned how many other students, pastors, and leaders have been impacted by Gary, who has already published 18 books, with three more coming out in 2012!

I thank God for raising up people like Gary who are fulfilling their calling and making a difference in the lives of so many leaders and churches.

Who has made a significant difference in your life?

When is the last time you thanked them?

With Gary McIntosh at the SFCC Conference

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How to Leave a Church

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Healing After Leaving a Church, Ten Most Viewed Articles on December 14, 2011| 10 Comments »

It’s tough to say goodbye, isn’t it?

It’s tough saying goodbye to your family after Christmas, or to a friend you may never see again, or to someone who is ready to meet Jesus.

And it’s especially tough saying goodbye to a church family.

In fact, two years ago yesterday, my wife and I said goodbye to a church family we served for 10 1/2 years.  We tried our best to leave in a Christ-honoring way.

Years ago, I learned this adage: “The way you leave is the way you’ll be remembered.”

The following article is written primarily for lay people (rather than pastors and paid staff) who are thinking about leaving their church.

(If you want to think through whether or not you should leave, check out this article: https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2011/05/09/when-to-leave-your-church/)

Assuming the Lord is leading you to leave, how can you honor Him in the way you do it?

Let me suggest five ways:

First, articulate why you’re leaving.  Put it in clear language.  Examples:

“I cannot support the change in direction from missional to institutional.”

“I can no longer use my spiritual gifts in this church.”

“We need a church closer to home.”

“I need to be in a church that takes community outreach seriously.”

“I simply do not like the pastor.”

Be honest with yourself at this point.  While it’s possible that you’re leaving because of a single issue, the likelihood is that you’re withdrawing because of multiple issues.  Write them all down.

Second, compose a note to the pastor and church leaders.

When they leave a church, most people slip into the night and say virtually nothing to their church’s leaders.

As a pastor, I’d sometimes wonder, “Where has So-and-So gone?  I haven’t seen them around the church for weeks.”  In a smaller church, I’d contact those people myself.  In a larger setting, I’d ask a staff member to do it.

But invariably, the ensuing conversation would be awkward for both parties.  Those missing weren’t honest either with me or the staff member.  We’d hear, “I’m just taking a break” – but what the missing member wouldn’t say is: “I’m checking out other churches on Sundays, and if I find the right one, I’m not coming back.”

Without a letter, the church’s leaders, as well as your friends, will privately speculate as to why you left – and they’ll most likely get it wrong.

They’ll guess it’s your walk with the Lord, or your marriage, or job stress … in other words, they’ll blame you for leaving … and in the process, they won’t stop to ask if there’s something they’re doing wrong that prompted you to go.

Only you can enlighten them.

That’s why once you’ve decided to leave, it’s best to write a letter to the leaders and make a clean break.

You’re still free to visit the church and retain friendships.  But you need to clarify your status so people won’t guess (wrongly) why you’re not around … and so people stop contacting you to join a small group and serve in the nursery.

Third, write and send a classy letter.  Guidelines:

*Address the Senior Pastor, the governing board members, and any staff you’ve worked with closely.  If you send a letter to one person, they may choose not to tell the other leaders you’ve left – or why.  By sending your letter to all the key leaders, the reasons for your leaving will be shared accurately.

Should you send an email?  You can, but you have no idea to whom it will be forwarded.  I’d send hard copies of letters via snail mail to people’s homes (not the church, where lay leaders may not check their mail for weeks) so everyone gets it at the same time.  (And it makes it harder to pass your letter around.)

*Write a one-page letter, but no more.  Be succinct.

*Thank the pastor and the leaders for their service and what they’ve meant to you.  Even if you’re feeling angry or hurt, you can always say something positive about the church and its leaders on paper.  (If you write a nasty letter, the leaders will forget your reasoning and focus on your tone – and you will look bad.)

*Be truthful about why you’re leaving.  If the music director is an alienating egomaniac, then speak the truth in love.  If you feel like a misfit, tell the leaders you’ve tried but can’t seem to fit in.  If you think the church is going liberal theologically, say so.

If your letter is gracious but candid, it will be taken seriously, and may even do some good.  For instance, if three good people leave because of the arrogance of the music director, the leaders may need to look into that matter more closely.

However, my experience is that once you announce that you’re leaving, the chances that anyone from the church will contact you are minimal … except for those people who want to use your departure to make a case against the pastor.  Refuse to play their game!

*Write a first draft and let it sit for a few days.  Then read it again and make appropriate changes.  Ask family or friends to read your letter and offer suggestions.

Fourth, when you leave, LEAVE.

The worst antagonist I ever had in a church left the church … and then returned a year later to lead a rebellion.  It was classless, tasteless, and unambiguously evil.

When some people leave a church, they stop attending services, serving, and giving, but sneak back around to be part of a small group.  While some church leaders may look the other way if you do that, do you realize the signals you’re sending?

Please, find another church and leave your former one behind.  It will cause less heartache for everyone involved.

Finally, leave with your head held high.

God leads us to jobs – then leads us to new ones.

The Lord may call us to live in the West – then call us to live back East.

The Lord leads us to one church for a few years – then He leads us away.

If you’re leaving because you’re bitter, then maybe you should feel guilty when you depart.  But if the Lord is directing your steps, then just obey your Savior – and go.

If people from the church contact you, there’s no need to manufacture reasons for your departure.  You’ve already worked through why you’re leaving in your own mind.  Stick to your story without deviation and people will respect you.

But no matter how nicely you leave, some churchgoers will be hurt and some friends may shun you … and then you’ll learn who your real friends are.

Just realize there are seasons to all of our lives.

The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes put it this way in 3:1-7:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

… a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away …

a time to be silent, and a time to speak …”

If you’re happy with your church, great!

If you’re not … maybe it’s time to make a tough decision.

May the Lord grant you the courage you need.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Christian Exclusion

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues on December 2, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There’s an article in the news right now about a small church in Kentucky that has voted to ban interracial marriage in its midst.  The church is being widely condemned for its stance.

Based on the number of people who voted on this issue (fifteen, with many abstentions) it seems like the church has been excluding a lot more than interracial couples.

This led me to thinking: how often do Christian churches unintentionally exclude people from their midst?

Here’s a partial list of those we tend to exclude:

First, churches exclude non-Christians.  When I was 16, I invited two friends to my church after months of sharing Christ with them.  We had a missionary as a guest speaker, and the service went nearly two hours.  I could never get my friends to return to church after that.  The truth is that we weren’t ready for them at any service we had.

We assumed that unbelievers wouldn’t be interested in our church – so they weren’t.

Okay, you say, the church is for believers, not unbelievers.  By God’s grace, I led a friend to Christ when he was 17, but when I finally brought him to church, he did not feel included, and didn’t attend for years.

That’s why I’ve always loved the approaches of Willow Creek and Saddleback churches toward spiritually lost people.  Those churches make them feel welcome.

Second, churches exclude those from other denominations.  I grew up in Baptist churches for the first 14 years of my life.  I attended a non-denominational church for the next 7 years, and have served in Baptist churches ever since.

I’m drawn to Baptist emphases like biblical authority, personal conversion, and eternal security.

But I’m embarrassed by Baptist tendencies to be legalistic, contentious, and anti-intellectual.  (You guessed it – the Kentucky church that banned interracial marriage is Baptist.)

Jesus never commanded us to make Baptists – or Lutherans, Methodists, or Quakers, for that matter.  He commanded us to “make disciples of all nations.”

The more a church emphasizes its denomination, the fewer people it will reach for Jesus.  Let’s partner with Christ in making followers of Jesus, not members of any particular organization.

And if you can show me a New Testament verse that shows me I’m wrong, I’ll repent in writing.

Third, churches exclude those who are politically liberal.  While I’m against abortion and gay marriage on biblical grounds, I’m enthusiastically pro-gospel – but I don’t think we can preach both messages effectively at the same time.

I visited a church not long ago where the pastor twice condemned abortion during his message while attempting to convert unbelievers to Christ.  While I admired his courage, he may have needlessly turned off possible converts.

I spent nearly 30 years serving as a pastor in politically liberal communities, and I made two discoveries: (a) some political liberals are open to receiving Jesus, and (b) they are open to hearing sermons about what Scripture teaches about moral and social issues if they are well-thought out and presented – but not in the same message.

If we insist that people become conversatives before they become Christians, we’re replicating the error of the early church which insisted that Gentiles had to become Jews before they could become believers.

When a person receives Jesus, He transforms people’s hearts and ultimately aligns their values with Scripture.  There’s a time to be evangelistic and a time to be prophetic, but let’s not place unnecessary barriers in the way of lost people.  The crucial issue is, “What will you do with Jesus?”

Fourth, churches exclude singles.  I once served in a church that had an annual Sweetheart Banquet around Valentine’s Day.  For a price, couples could come to church and eat a meal, listen to a speaker, and enjoy entertainment.  That’s fine, although I’d rather be somewhere else with my wife on Valentine’s Day …

Anyway, every time we had a Sweetheart Banquet, the singles at church complained that the event automatically excluded them … and they were right.

So the next year, we’d try and have a Friendship Banquet for singles and couples … but it rarely worked.

I’m all for celebrating love and romance, but can’t churches offer something more for singles as well?  After all, Valentine’s Day is the single most painful day for them in the entire calendar.

Finally, churches exclude the poor.  When do we do that?

Ever heard announcements like these?

“We’re taking signups for summer camp right now.  The cost is $875 per kid.  Parents, we need your deposit of $350 by next Sunday to hold your spot.”

“Ladies, come out to our annual Mother-Daughter tea next Saturday.  The cost is only $50 per family.”

“Men, we’re getting ready for our annual men’s retreat this winter.  $200 will hold your spot and we’ll need another $300 one week before the retreat.  This year’s theme is “Touching the Poor for Jesus.”

Do you know how the poor react when they hear announcements like these?  They feel violated.  Their church has excluded them from activities and events on the basis of money.

Yes, they can always attend church services and small groups for free … but most of the time, they’re not going to tell anyone how hurt they feel about not being able to afford these gatherings.

I know … some churches offer scholarships, but you either have to know someone or ask for help … and that gets old after a while.

My wife and I had a policy for years that if our church did have a big event, we’d set aside 10% of the tickets for people who couldn’t afford to go … and we’d pro-actively invite certain people to come as guests.

Let me end this article by quoting from Eugene Peterson’s introduction to The Gospel of Luke in The Message:

“Most of us, most of the time, feel left out – misfits.  We don’t belong.  Others seem to be so confident, so sure of themselves, ‘insiders’ who know the ropes, old hands in a club from which we are excluded.

One of the ways we have of responding to this is to form our own club, or join one that will have us.  Here is at least one place where we are ‘in’ and the others ‘out’ … but the one thing they have in common is the principle of exclusion.  Identity or worth is achieved by excluding all but the chosen….

Nowhere is this price more terrible than when it is paid in the cause of religion.  But religion has a long history of doing just that, of reducing the huge mysteries of God to the respectability of club rules, of shrinking the vast human community to a ‘membership.’  But with God there are no outsiders.”

And then Peterson goes on to tell us how Luke’s Gospel includes outcasts like Gentiles, women, common laborers (like shepherds), the racially different (think Samaritans), and the poor.

Didn’t the angel tell the shepherds, “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people?”

If our God includes everyone in His message of salvation, shouldn’t our churches work harder at removing barriers that exclude people?

My wife and I attend a church that includes everyone.  Maybe that’s why it’s grown so rapidly.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter.

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Shadow Christians and Post-Conflict Pain

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church on November 30, 2011| 6 Comments »

I recently attended a conference for church consultants.

The theme of the conference was how to turn around a church, especially one that’s sick or dying.

We heard presentations from top consultants like Aubrey Malphurs, Paul Borden, and Gary McIntosh.  Gary introduced me to Carl George, a legend in the field.

Some presentations dealt with the recommendations that a consultant might make to turn a church around, especially if the previous pastor left under less than optimal circumstances.

During my time at the conference, I never heard anyone discuss what to do with those Christians who were still in pain after their pastor left.

Here’s a common scenario:

A pastor and the governing board aren’t getting along.  The pastor wants to reach out more into the community and win people to Christ, while the board prefers to focus on building up Christians inside the church.

While a few people in the church are aware of the problem, most can’t tell there’s anything wrong at the top.

Until one day, the low-level conflict explodes into the congregation as a whole.  Some people start accusing the pastor of various misdeeds.  Rumors abound.  Groups huddle together on Sundays.  People begin taking sides.

And suddenly many of the people in this nice, loving church begin to demonize each another.

The pastor becomes so demoralized and battered that he can’t manage the conflict effectively.  He feels rejected and plunges into depression.  Some call for his resignation.  Others mount a campaign to get rid of him.

His sin?  He let the conflict happen – and he hasn’t yet fixed it.

While some people relish this kind of in-fighting, most believers lack the stomach for it.  Some flee the church for good.  Others stay at home and wait for more peaceful times.  Some organize and press the pastor for his resignation and begin dreaming of taking over the church when he finally leaves.

Over on the sidelines, there’s a contingent of the church who are shocked by what’s happening.  Everything they see and hear brings them pain.  They love their pastor.  They love the board and the staff.  They have many friends in the church, and now they see Christians acting unchristian.

It grieves them.  They’re confused, hurt, repulsed, demoralized, paralyzed.

These people watch their pastor resign.  They watch some people rejoice at his departure.  They watch as the church hires a transitional pastor and puts together a search team for a new pastor.

And all the while, nobody ever told them what the conflict was about or why their pastor left.

But they watch from the shadows because they don’t want to say or do anything that will make matters worse.  Let’s call them Shadow Christians.

They just hope that when the transitional pastor comes, he will address their pain.

And they hope that someday, they’ll be able to express their sorrow to opinion-makers inside the church as well.

The interim pastor comes, and he preaches on unity, but he never addresses the concerns of the Shadow Christians, either through his messages or on an individual basis.

Then the transitional pastor leaves, and the new pastor is hired.  Once again, the Shadow Christians hope that their new pastor will address their pain, but he assumes that the transitional pastor did all that, and besides, he’s eager to lead the church into winning new people for Christ.

So the Shadow Christians feel marginalized.

They lose their motivation for serving.  They start finding reasons to miss a Sunday here or there.

And no one seems to notice.

Mind you, these people aren’t troublemakers.  They’re the quiet, faithful people who built the church.

They prayed for the pastor, board, and staff every day.  They discovered their spiritual gifts and used them excitedly.  They gave sacrificially to the building campaign.

But now … they’re relegated to the shadows.

And because they’ve become hidden, they decide to slip away and see if anybody misses them.

And no one does.

So they leave … for good … still in pain.

Maybe, they hope, I will receive healing at my next church.

But they’re not eager to serve, or give, or even attend regularly … because they still hurt so bad.

And here’s the sad part … if someone had noticed them, and sat down with them, and listened to them, and cared about them, they might have experienced healing, and stayed in their church, and continued to be a blessing to others.

But rather than make waves, they slipped quietly out the back door … for the last time.

And by the time anyone noticed, they were long gone.

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Truth versus Tranquility

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church on November 4, 2011| 2 Comments »

I’ve seen it all my life.

Maybe you have, too.

Something ominous happens at work … or inside your family … or at church … but nobody is willing to talk about it openly.

Somebody lost their job … or went to jail … or is no longer attending your church … but everything is hush hush.

Is that wise?

The reason I bring this up is because most church leaders that I know are great at covering up stuff.

Let me explain.

Imagine that some individuals inside a church of 300 attendees band together to change the music during worship.  They don’t like guitars and drums and want the church to use the piano and organ instead.

So they begin making demands of the pastor and governing board, threatening to leave the church – and take their offerings with them – unless the pastor capitulates in their favor.

While there are pastors who would cave in at this point, let’s pretend that the pastor of this church refuses to meet the group’s demands.

So the group – composed of 35 people – all leaves the church together and forms another church at the local high school cafeteria (where they can’t have a piano or organ, but that’s another story).

What should the pastor and governing board tell the congregation about what happened?

Here are some options:

(a) Pretend those people never existed and refuse to talk about them again.

(b) Talk about them only inside the confines of staff and board meetings.

(c) Only talk about them if church attendees ask about them.

(d) Tell the whole church during Sunday worship … or in an all-church letter … or in a public meeting.

Which option above would you prefer?

The vast number of leaders I have known would opt for option “a,” including taking their names off the membership roster, church directory, and newsletter list as soon as possible.

Option “b” is a given.  Only certain churches would opt for option “c.”

And few if any churches would opt for option “d.”

However, congregational consultant Peter Steinke has a different take on this matter in his insightful book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times:

“A conflict-free congregation is incongruent not only with reality but even more with biblical theology.  Jesus upset many people emotionally.  The life of Jesus takes place against a backdrop of suspicion, opposition, and crucifixion.  The Christian story is underlined with conflict.  Early on, we encounter the emotional reactivity of the religious leaders, who see Jesus as a threat to their authority and belief system.  Eventually the tension between the roaming preacher and the established religious order comes to a dramatic point.  Tension leads to crucifixion.”

Most of us would agree with those seven sentences.

Steinke continues:

“The church has had divisions from its inception.  No doubt, it has fought senseless battles, squandered its resources on frivolous issues, sent negative signals to society, shattered its unity, and forfeited chances to share its goodwill.  Some churches work through the reactive period and emerge stronger.  Others shuffle from crisis to crisis.  What makes the difference in outcomes?”

(By the way, don’t you just love Steinke’s writing?  He’s good.)

And then he says this:

“Nowhere in the Bible is tranquility preferred to truth or harmony to justice.  Certainly reconciliation is the goal of the gospel, yet seldom is reconciliation an immediate result.  If people believe the Holy Spirit is directing the congregation into the truth, wouldn’t this alone encourage Christians who have differing notions to grapple with issues respectfully, lovingly, and responsively?”

Hmm.  Do you agree with the author at this point?

Then how about this question:

“If potent issues are avoided because they might divide the community, what type of witness is the congregation to the pursuit of truth?”

Using the group of 35 people I mentioned earlier as an example, should the pastor and leaders tell the congregation anything about their departure?

Here is one final statement from Steinke:

“In the early stages of a conflict, it is almost impossible to over-inform.  As much information as possible is needed.  Providing information tends to minimize the need for people to create information for themselves through gossip and embellishments of what they have heard from rumor.  By communicating forthrightly, leaders also treat the members as mature adults who can handle whatever information is shared, not as children who need to be protected from bad news.”

I do not pretend to have the final answer concerning this dilemma, but more and more, I lean toward truth over tranquility.

Someone recently told me about a controversy that surfaced in his church.  Within one week, half the people had left.

This stuff happens, and because pastors know how emotionally reactive some people are whenever they share potentially volatile information, most pastors choose not to mention such issues in public.

Where do you stand on this issue?

For example, if a staff pastor suddenly vanished from your church, do you want the leaders to tell the congregation why?  Or do you think such an announcement would be divisive?

Truth or tranquility?

Your call.

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