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Archive for the ‘Conflict with the Pastor’ Category

It is possible to read the New Testament dozens of times and yet miss the clear meaning of certain verses.

For years, I missed these two:

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?  If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”

These words of Paul from 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 sound like they come from the Old Testament: “If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him.”

What is God’s temple in this context?

God’s temple is a local church.  (The terms “you yourselves” and “you” in verse 16 are both plural.)

What’s Paul saying?

That anyone … believer or unbeliever … who destroys a local church will be destroyed by God Himself.  (Sounds like a guarantee, doesn’t it?)

Wow.

God’s Spirit lives among His people.  God’s church is sacred.

Therefore, if an individual or a group destroys a local church, God promises to destroy them.

How many times can you recall hearing anyone preach this text?

I’m not aware that I’ve ever heard any preacher or teacher highlight or explain these verses … but they are there all the same.

What’s the most common way of destroying a congregation?

That’s easy: attack the pastor until he’s forced to resign.  Gary Pinion writes in his book Crushed: The Perilous Side of Ministry:

“Spiritual leaders are prime targets in these last days.  The Bible tells us that if you strike a shepherd, the sheep will scatter.  Entire congregations can be wiped out with a single blow to one shepherd.  For this reason they are the number one public enemy on Satan’s hit list…. Corresponding with this gigantic loss of shepherds, new studies are also providing growing evidence of a great loss of churches.  A study in Exit Interviews by Hendricks shows the appalling results of the loss of ministers: there are now 53,000 people leaving churches weekly who are not coming back.  George Barna’s research sadly declares that we are losing one percent of our churches in America every year, as godly warriors depart from the battle arena.  As shepherds leave, sheep leave.”

Pinion then quotes a woman whose congregational experienced major conflict:

“The conflict resulted in the pastor being forced to leave.  Because of this decision, the people who supported the pastor left the church.  The church attendance was reduced to half, relationships were severed, weekly income was drastically cut, and various ministries in the church were forced to disband.  The church became known in the community as a place of power struggles, fighting and discontent.  I could go on and on.”

The latest statistic I’ve run across is that 4,000 churches close down every year in the United States.

Let’s acknowledge that a small percentage of pastors may contribute to the destruction of a church through domination, intimidation, manipulation, or retribution.  Some pastors have behaved so badly that they have almost singlehandedly wiped out a church they’ve pastored.

But the great majority of the time, churches are destroyed by lay powerbrokers who want to limit their pastor’s authority so they can expand their own influence and that of their friends.

If I disagreed with something my pastor was doing or saying, I would make an appointment and speak to him lovingly and directly.

If he didn’t agree with me, I would either stay and support him or leave the church … without taking anybody with me.  (Division in a church begins when people pass on their personal complaints to others.)

Based on the entire tenor of the New Testament … and specifically 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 … I would never want to do anything to destroy a church that Jesus is building in a particular community.

But if I found out that I had contributed to a church’s destruction, I would repent immediately … or else be wondering constantly when God was going to take me out.

These verses don’t specify how God chooses to destroy a church destroyer.  His wrath could be exhibited in this life (primarily for a believer) or in the next life (possibly for an unbeliever).

But however God decides to deal with someone, He has an infinite number of punishments at His disposal.

If you’re a lay leader in a church … maybe a board member, or a deacon, or a ministry team leader … I beg you: be very, very careful how you treat and speak of your pastor.

Pastors are not infallible.  They make mistakes.  And when they mess up, they need to be graciously and truthfully confronted.

But you should always aim for their restoration and redemption, never their punishment and destruction.

Remember Paul’s phrase: “If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him.”

Sounds scary, doesn’t it?

That’s exactly how God intended for it to sound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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When I was in my last year of seminary, I had a choice: take 6 units of electives or spend a year writing a thesis.

I chose the thesis.

It took me one semester to research and write a 100-page first draft, and after that, it was just a matter of making corrections.

But I wrote the thesis because I felt strongly about my topic: the public invitation, or as many Christians call it, the altar call.

I spent many years in fundamentalist churches, and at the end of nearly every service, the pastor would invite people who wanted to receive Christ to “come to the altar” (presumably the communion table even though the NT says that Jesus’ cross was the final altar.)

As a child, I just accepted the practice, but when I was old enough to read Scripture myself, I noticed something:

The New Testament does not record even one instance of an altar call.

So I started paying attention to the way my pastors handled their public invitations and comparing them with Scripture.

Why?

Because I sensed they were manipulating people into “making a decision” for Christ.  They were doing more than persuading people to come to Christ … they were pressuring them in an unethical manner.

Here are four pulpit manipulations that I’ve observed after a sermon over the years:

First, the pastor intimates that a person must do something physical to be saved.

How many times have you heard a pastor say, “Everyone Jesus called, He called publicly?”

The assumption behind this statement is, “You can’t become a Christian unless you take some overt action.”

If this statement is true, then Paul and the apostles should have implemented this practice as well.

But Paul writes in Romans 10:9: “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

To be saved, Paul doesn’t say that an unbeliever has to do anything with his body … just with his mouth (confess “Jesus is Lord”) and with his heart (believe Jesus is alive).

Paul goes on in verse 10: “For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.”

We’re saved by what we do with our heart (inward belief) and mouth (outward confession expressed through prayer; see verse 13), not with our body.  (When Jesus talks about confessing Him before men in Matthew 10:32, He’s referring to the mouth, not the body.)

And yet, when Billy Graham ended a message, he always called people to the front and intimated that if they didn’t come forward, they couldn’t be saved.

But then he’d turn to the television camera and say, “And if you’re watching this program at home, you can be saved as well by asking Jesus into your life.”

So if you’re watching Billy in person, you have to walk down near the stage to be saved, but if you’re watching him at home, you can become a Christian just by praying?

Wouldn’t it be more ethical to lead people in a prayer wherever they’re sitting … tell them that Jesus has now saved them … and then ask them to come forward or call/write to receive literature or counseling?

I knew a young woman who had received Christ but didn’t think she was saved because she was too scared to “walk the aisle” at church.  How many others have felt as she did?

You can receive Christ even though you’ve never walked to the front at church … and you can walk to the front and not be saved.

So why do preachers and evangelists still engage in this practice?

Second, the pastor uses the foot-in-the-door technique.

This happened recently at a church I attended.  After the message, the pastor presented the gospel well.

Then he asked those who wanted to receive Christ to raise their hands so he could pray for them.  (“I see that hand … I see that hand.”)

So far, I was right there with the pastor, but I kept hoping, “Pastor, don’t do it … don’t do it.”

But he did.

He asked those who raised their hands to come and stand at the front … without telling them in advance.

Then he asked those who came forward to go into a side room for further counseling.

Why didn’t the pastor tell people how to receive Christ in their seats?  Why did they have to come to the front first?

I don’t really know.  Was this the way he came to Christ?  Was this the way his mentor taught him?

Since the church was having a baptism that afternoon, is it possible the pastor needed more candidates?

We take great pains in our culture to insure that babies are born in private, and for good reason.

Then why do so many preachers insist that spiritual infants be born publicly?  Couldn’t this be a barrier to the gospel?

Third, the preacher places undue pressure on unbelievers.

Years ago, I attended a worship service where the pastor told his congregation after his message, “God has told me that someone is going to come forward today.”

So we sang “Just As I Am” … not twice … not 5 times … not 9 times … but 12 times … and nobody came forward.

(I was thinking about going forward just so we could all go home.)

Why all that singing?  Was the repetition of the stanzas supposed to melt someone’s defenses and cause them to walk forward?

I think so.

But again … where do we find this kind of thing in the New Testament?

We don’t.

I believe that the gospel is indeed “the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes” (Romans 1:16).  If someone preaches the gospel well, why do they need to pressure people to embrace it?

Persuasion?  Yes.

Pressure?  No.

When the Holy Spirit is applying the gospel to the hearts of lost people, He brings people to Christ without using manipulation.

Finally, the altar call minimizes baptism.

When I was a youth pastor, I led a weekend college retreat, and a couple of brothers received Christ.

Both the brothers – along with their sister – wanted to be baptized.

I told my pastor that on a Sunday afternoon, and he said, “Jim, ask them to come forward tonight for baptism when I give the invitation.”

Although I didn’t want to do it, I passed on his wishes to them before the Sunday evening service.

They didn’t understand why they had to go forward.  When I suggested they needed to publicly profess their faith, one of the brothers asked me, “Isn’t that what baptism is for?”

Of course, he was dead on … and they didn’t walk forward that evening.  (To insist that they walk forward against their will would have been unethical.)

But I had the privilege of baptizing those siblings a little while later … the first baptism I ever did.

Why do many preachers insist that people publicly profess their faith in Christ twice …  once when they “walk the aisle” … and again when they get baptized?

Which is the biblical practice?

When I lived in Arizona, my wife and I attended a church that had a baptismal pool outside … and that pool got quite a workout.

They never had an altar call in church … they just kept pointing new converts to that pool as the biblical way to profess their faith in Christ publicly … and it worked beautifully.

_______________

My first pastorate was at a small church in Silicon Valley.  The congregation was composed of refugees from other community churches.  We rented a school cafeteria for services.

Even with a map, few people could find the church.  With one exception, everybody who attended was already a believer.

And yet, church leaders wanted me to give an altar call at every service.  In fact, two leaders came to my house one Saturday night and begged me to do it.

Had I done so, I wouldn’t have lasted long.

When nobody came forward, the leaders would have reasoned, “God isn’t blessing Jim’s preaching.”

So to get results, I would have been forced to resort to manipulation … just to get someone … anyone … including that one unbeliever … to come forward.

A few years later, he did receive Christ … in God’s time and way.

It’s commendable for preachers to want people to come to faith in Christ.  Our preaching should be filled with passion.

But manipulation?

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 4:2: “We have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God.  On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.”

Let’s set forth the truth plainly in our preaching … and renounce all deception and distortion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The following story is typical of every innocent pastor who has ever experienced the pain of forced termination:

You were spiritually lost.

But by God’s grace, you came to know Jesus … as a child, teenager, or adult.

You read your Bible … attended church … and grew in your faith.

Then one day, you sensed that God was calling you to pastoral ministry.

You sought counsel … told your loved ones … and consulted with your pastor.

You knew that by going into Christian ministry, you weren’t going to make a lot of money … but that was okay, because God would take care of you.

_______________

You applied for and entered a Bible college or Christian university.

You worked hard and graduated several years later.

Then you applied for and entered seminary.

You graduated with a Master’s degree … often a Master of Divinity … which took years to complete … and consumed most of your time.

During seminary, you worked hard to earn money and teach Scripture anywhere you could.

But after graduation, you only wanted to do one thing: preach God’s Word.

_______________

You wanted your call to ministry recognized, so you pursued ordination.

Your pastor and church board voted to ordain you.  Your pastor put you in touch with your district minister, who explained the process to you.

You worked hard at creating a statement of faith … anticipating questions … and preparing your answers.

You met with an ordination council, which grilled you pretty good … then recommended you for ordination.

You kneeled before God and your church family as pastoral colleagues laid their hands on you and prayed.

And you vowed before God that you would follow the Lord and preach the whole counsel of God.

_______________

Along the way, you got married and started a family.  They would go wherever you went.

You sent resumes to open churches, and finally, one showed an interest in you.

You flew there … met with the search team … preached several times … answered questions … and went home exhausted but hopeful.

You received a call several days later to return as a candidate.

You preached again … negotiated a salary package … and received a call to be that church’s next pastor.

You made plans to move to that community … hopefully for the rest of your life.

You said goodbye to family and friends … packed up your belongings … and put your life in the hands of people who claimed to love Jesus like you did.

You put your books in your new church office … met the staff and the board … and threw yourself into the work.

You rented an apartment until you could buy your first house … which you finally did.

You spent hours on your messages … met with all the church leaders … visited the sick … counseled the wounded … and worked inhumane hours.

You gave everything you had for God’s people.

You assumed things were going well.  The church was growing … giving was increasing … God’s spirit was moving … and you felt joyful.

You said to yourself, “God has me doing what I was born to do.”

And then one day, it all changed.

_______________

You received a phone call from a church friend who told you that a group of members had been meeting in secret.

They had a long list of complaints against you … complaints you knew nothing about.

You felt devastated … betrayed … and scared.

Suddenly, that group was all you could think about.  You wondered:

Who is in that group?

Why are they upset with me?

What are they going to do to me … and to this church?

The knowledge that people were out to get you negatively impacted you and your ministry.

You suddenly became paranoid … not knowing who wanted to harm you.

You became guarded … not wanting to give the faction any more ammunition.

You sank into depression … couldn’t focus on studying for sermons … and began to experience the symptoms of panic.

_______________

You attended the next board meeting, and quickly discovered that three board members were among the complainers.

They accused you of petty matters that happened months before … matters you couldn’t even recall.

They said that many others in the church agreed with their complaints.

And they gave you a choice: you could either resign or be fired …  and they wanted you to decide right then and there.

If you resigned, they would give you two month’s severance pay.  If you didn’t, you’d receive nothing.

You were stunned … wounded … and paralyzed with fear.

You couldn’t think straight.  You felt like throwing up.

You wanted to vanish.

You had been rejected … forsaken … and tossed aside … but you had no idea why.

_______________

They wanted you to resign, and so you did.

You went home and told your wife, who cried all night long.

You called family members, who could not believe what happened.

You returned to your office at church the next day … packed up your books and belongings … and carted them home.

You turned in your keys and said goodbye to the staff.

You contacted a realtor and put your home on the market.

You perused the want ads to find a job … anything you could do to support your family.

But all you wanted to do was preach the Word of God.

_______________

You sent out resumes to scores of churches, but received few replies.

You made it to the first round with two churches, but they both went in other directions.

Then one day, you discovered what the problem was.  Several people from your previous church were saying things about you that weren’t true.

They accused you of being a dictator … not cooperating with the church board … and insinuated that you had mental problems.

You were shocked beyond belief.  None of it was true … and nobody at the church had ever spoken with you about any of those issues.

But somehow, those charges were circulating around, and you had no forum in which to rebut them.

You felt marked … tainted … stained … and scarred.

You obeyed God’s call to ministry … went to college and seminary … became ordained … sacrificed in so many ways … gave everything you had to God’s people … and got kicked in the teeth for it.

Should you keep trying to find a church to pastor?

Should you settle for a staff position?

Should you start a church instead?

Should you borrow money, go back to school, and start over in some other field?

Or should you accept the fact that your career is now over?

_______________

This story is replicated every month among hundreds of pastors.  I’ve heard from many of them.

And most of all, they want to know what they did wrong … but they never get the real story … and it haunts them day and night.

In her book Crying on Sunday, Elaine Onley writes about her own husband’s forced termination.  She quotes a denominational executive who told her: “Not a week goes by that this does not happen to some pastor.  I mean to a good pastor – not novices, not those of wrong-doing.  It happens to men who are good, kind, faithful men of God.  It breaks my heart.”

I’m doing what I can to make a difference.

I have a doctoral degree with a focus on church conflict.  I’ve written a book … Church Coup … about my own experience.  I write a blog twice a week, usually on church conflict or forced termination.

I’m writing an e-book designed to help church decision makers think through the process of terminating their pastor … participating in a study on forced termination … attending a three-day conflict training course later this month … providing counsel for those who go through this horrendous experience … and praying that God will stop the epidemic of forced terminations in this country.

If I can help you in any way, please comment on this blog or write me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

We have to put a stop to this epidemic before Satan ruins more pastors, believers, and churches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I served as a youth pastor in my first staff assignment, and every two months or so, I was allowed to preach on a Sunday night, with varying degrees of success.

One night, I decided not to speak in “pastorese,” but to speak the way I normally did, using words like “guts” and “stuff.”

Several days later, my pastor told me that a prominent church couple was offended when I said “guts,” and that I should drop that term from my preaching vocabulary … along with “stuff.”

My purpose is not to argue about pulpit terminology, but to point out that the words of a pastor carry great weight for many people.

Let me share three quick examples:

First, many people remember what a pastor says in personal conversation.

When I was first a youth pastor, a young man (I’ll call him Bob) who attended our church often attended an earlier service at another church led by a famous televangelist.  Bob had known this pastor personally for years.

Bob was something of a rascal and took great delight in listening in on the post-service conversations of this well-known preacher and sharing what he said with his “other church.”

One time, Bob called the pastor by his first name in a crowd, and the pastor called him aside and said, “That’s Dr. __________ to you.”

Another time, a seminary professor told our class about a long conversation he had with that same televangelist at a banquet … that all the professor did was listen to that televangelist the whole night … and that he didn’t care for him at all.

The point: people were forming opinions about this televangelist simply from personal conversations he held with other believers.

And pastors need to know that people are not only listening carefully to their conversations … but even listening in on them.

Whether we know it or not, our words carry weight.

Second, pastors need to be careful when they point out someone’s faults in private.

I don’t know how to say this properly, but over 36 years of church ministry, I didn’t view myself as anyone special.

I always took the responsibility of being a pastor seriously, but sometimes, I didn’t realize how powerful my words were to some people.

Many years ago … and it pains me to this day to think about it … someone connected me to a nationally-known church consultant who was big stuff at the time.

The consultant reviewed our church’s documents and promotional materials … watched a video of our Sunday service … critiqued my preaching … and ran down where we needed to improve.

And he said that the people who were on the stage needed to look sharp … and not be overweight.

What should I do with that last suggestion?  Bury it?  Share it?  If so, with whom?  I honestly didn’t know what to do.

To my everlasting shame, I shared it … as gently as possible … with a handful of people … but I hurt people … needlessly … and what I said got around.

A new and talented couple immediately left the church.  Another faithful family left as well.

I learned firsthand that a pastor’s words can wound people for years.

Sometimes a pastor has to say the tough thing in private.  He can speak in a kind and sweet and loving way … and his words may still sting … but he has to do it.  It’s his job as shepherd of the flock.

But I’ve learned that pastors are often unaware of how powerful their words are … especially when they’re correcting someone … and even if it’s necessary.

Finally, the words of a pastor can bring people great healing.

When I was a youth pastor, I invited one of my college professors to conduct a weekend retreat in the mountains for 50 students.

All of his talks were from Proverbs … and the talk with the most impact included verses like these:

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  Proverbs 10:19

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.  Proverbs 11:13

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  Proverbs 12:18

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.  Proverbs 13:3

Hearing those verses in concentrated form, I realized … as did many of us in that mountain cabin … that our tongues had the potential to harm or heal others.

So I’ve tried to bring healing through my words … by using Scripture … by keeping confidences … by restraining my speech … and by encouraging people.

I haven’t always succeeded … and it devastates me when I mess up … but every time my words touch others, I’m grateful … because I know how much encouraging words mean to me.

Twelve years ago, I turned in a 70-page class project to Dr. Archibald Hart from Fuller Seminary toward my Doctor of Ministry degree.  While I did my best on that paper, I wondered how Dr. Hart …  one of my few Christians heroes … would respond to what I wrote.

When I got it back in the mail, I was petrified, until I read his words on the title page: “An excellent paper … among the top 5% I have ever received …”

I keep that title page in a frame five feet from my desk.

Without Dr. Hart’s encouragement, I would never have written a blog … a book … or anything else.  “The tongue of the wise brings healing.”

If you’re a pastor, I beg you … heal people with your words … and with God’s Word.

But I wonder … how many times have the words of a pastor healed you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m constantly hearing about church leaders who are upset with their pastor … or their associate pastor … or their youth pastor.

And all too many of these leaders end up dumping the pastor or staff member unceremoniously.

Sometimes the pastor or staff member is responsible … while other times the employer/search team must shoulder their share of the blame.

Here are five mistakes I’ve seen pastors make (in hiring staff) and search teams make (in hiring pastors) when it comes to contacting their references:

First, occasionally a search team doesn’t contact any references at all.

I was once hired to be a full-time staff member in a church … and nobody checked my references.

Although the pastor had known me for years, the church board only knew me through him.  I wanted them to contact my references and to know my strengths and weaknesses … but it didn’t happen.

Why not?

Was it too much of a hassle?  Were certain people anxious to get me on board?  Or had I sold myself so well that nobody thought my references would matter?

To this day, I don’t really know … but this isn’t a wise policy.  Neither is the next mistake:

Second, sometimes an employer will contact a reference after already hiring someone.

I once hired a part-time youth pastor (let’s call him Bart) who did a good job.  When I offered Bart a full-time position, he laid out some demands that we couldn’t meet, and so we parted company amiably.

Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when I received a phone call from a pastor many states away.  The pastor told me that he had already hired Bart but still wanted to call his references.

To me, that’s like eloping with a woman and then asking her family and friends, “What kind of a person is she, anyway?”

After the pastor hired Bart, he told me that he sensed Bart had a problem with a certain issue … and that issue must have affected Bart’s employment, because he didn’t last a year.

No pastor or search team should ever be in such a rush that they fail to contact a prospect’s references before hiring them!

Third, sometimes an employer fails to ask one or two more tough questions before ending the interview.

A church I served as pastor once went through a long, protracted process in trying to hire a youth pastor.

We reviewed scores of resumes.  We narrowed the field down to a handful of candidates.  We brought many of them in … but nobody was a fit.

And then we found him.  Outwardly, Frank was everything the search team, parents, and youth were looking for.  We were thrilled!

I remember speaking to Frank’s supervisor at the church where he was still employed.  I asked some tough questions … but for some reason, I backed off just when I needed to accelerate.

We hired Frank, but a year later, his behavior was driving me crazy.  I called Frank’s former supervisor and asked him the questions I should have asked a year earlier … and found out something very disturbing.

Frank’s supervisor only told me great things about Frank a year earlier because he wanted us to hire Frank so he could get rid of him.

Our church was so anxious to hire a youth pastor that we settled on someone we shouldn’t have hired.

When you’re looking to call a pastor or a staff member for a reference, do your best to ask the hard questions or you may pay for it down the line.

Fourth, some churches don’t do a criminal background check or a credit check.

I’ve heard about churches that don’t insist on either one of these checks … but they usually regret it later on.

One time, I interviewed a prospect for a staff position, and I was blessed to have a copy of his driving record in front of me.

Within a short amount of time, he had recently received five speeding tickets.  Five.

I asked him about the tickets.  He said that he was in a Christian leadership program and was consistently late for class.

I drew some quick conclusions:

*This guy doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes.  He keeps repeating them.

*Why didn’t he alter his behavior?  Get up earlier?  Drive the speed limit?  Avoid the traps?

*To what extent could I let him drive young people around?  What would happen if we hired him and he got into an accident with youth in his car?

Needless to say, we didn’t hire him.

It’s crucial to complete a credit history, too, because the way a staff member manages their personal finances is the way they’ll manage church money.

Finally, in many cases it’s foolish not to contact a staff member’s former supervisor.

I’ve learned that after many staff members leave a church, they won’t list their previous supervisor as a reference.

Maybe the staff member resigned under pressure … or was fired outright … or didn’t get along with their supervisor (usually the pastor).

So it’s understandable that many staff members don’t list their previous supervisor as a reference … but a prospective employer should speak with them anyway … because sometimes only the supervisor and a handful of others know the real truth about that individual.

What if a pastor or staff prospect stole church funds … or slept around … or consistently lied … or resolved conflict with his fists … or harmed children or youth?

There may be legal repercussions if a former supervisor handles specific questions in an unwise fashion, although there are ways to answer questions without being too direct.

But as a Christian leader, I believe in giving people … even former pastors or staff members … second chances.

I’ve certainly needed a second chance in my own life.  For example, during my freshman year at a Christian college, I flunked my Christian service assignment … yet went on to spend 36 years in church ministry.

So just because a worker … volunteer or paid … made some mistakes or errors in judgment does not indicate they’re irredeemable.

For that reason, if someone calls me for a reference, I’ll focus on all that’s good about that person … and will all I do to help them get another job.

But … if their character is warped … especially if they aren’t forthcoming about past mistakes … that’s a different matter.

Several times, I’ve heard about an ex-staff member who was hired by another church and yet no one ever contacted me as their former supervisor.

And I’ve thought to myself, “If they didn’t contact me, who did they contact?  Who would know more about the way they performed at our church than me?”

While I’ve learned a lot about ministry references over the years, I still find it a tricky topic to master.

What are your thoughts and experiences concerning pastoral references?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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In my last post, I wrote about three characteristics of narcissistic pastors that lead to conflict in churches:

First, narcissistic pastors are obsessed with their image, not their character.

Second, narcissistic pastors delight in putting down their rivals.

Third, narcissistic pastors cannot empathize with the pain of others.

Here are two more qualities of the narcissistic pastor:

Fourth, narcissistic pastors become wounded when people don’t constantly admire them.

Congregational consultant Peter Steinke writes: “The narcissist functions to maintain a projected, inflated image of self.  By coercing, charming, or controlling others, the narcissist ensures that the need for supplies will be satisfied.  Functioning to mirror his grandiosity, others guarantee him a sense of specialness, exaggerated importance, and superiority.”

Tell the NP, “That’s a great suit,” and he feels admired.  Tell him, “That was a great sermon, ” and he feels special.

There’s nothing wrong with making either statement.

But if you stop doing it, the NP will eventually turn on you and despise you.  They keep mental scoreboards in their heads.  Steinke says they become “vindictive, vengeful, devaluing, and abrasive.”

It’s hard to hang around someone who constantly needs to be told, “You’re great.  You’re fantastic.  You’re larger than life!”  But the NP needs to hear those words just to feel normal.

And when those around the NP … his wife … his staff … and his board … stop saying, “There’s nobody like you!” … the NP will humiliate them, even in public.  The NP then becomes ruthless toward those who don’t see him as special.

And in a church situation, that attitude leads to conflict.

Finally, narcissistic pastors need groupies to supply them constantly with admiration.

Wherever you find a NP, you will find an inner circle of devoted fans.

How does the NP acquire these fans?

He chooses them from among those in the congregation who make him look good.

The NP scans his congregation and discovers the most prestigious individuals … especially those who have money.

He also listens for accolades that indicate who holds him in high esteem.

When he finds them, he focuses on them like a laser beam and basically ignores the rest of the congregation.

These two groups – the prestigious and the praisers – make up the NP’s Fan Club.  This is who he socializes with … listens to … and confides in.

As long as the NP’s fans worship him, the NP will continue to tell them that they’re great as well.

But if any of the NP’s fans fail to adore him, he’ll drop them from the club … so they have to keep telling him, “You look great!  You’re so talented!  You’re the best!”

But … the NP’s fans don’t realize that he is controlling them … for his own purposes.

And this is how NPs foster division in a church.  They control a group of followers … mutually reinforce each other’s specialness … and when the NP begins to attack others … especially other pastors and leaders … they march in lockstep.

Steinke writes:

“The narcissist functions like a magnet, possessing the power of attraction.  People caught in the spell surrender obediently.  Under the spell of enchantment, they become dedicated followers as impervious to reason and truth as infatuated lovers.”

He continues:

“In the circle of charm, there are no checks and balances.  Groupthink develops.  Not surprisingly, many narcissistic leaders shield their swooning constituency from outside influences.  They demonize outsiders who might potentially uncover the truth of things or expose the charismatic figure.”

Steinke concludes:

“Those who are most vulnerable to charm are those people or groups who need stimulation outside themselves.  Often they are depressed or demoralized.  Many are looking for a high, some brightness or good feeling in their lives, to make them special…. By associating with the special person, they get dusted with the same magic and importance.”

_______________

Let me conclude this post by sharing 5 ways to deal with NPs:

First, it’s okay to identify narcissistic symptoms … but resist the urge to label someone a narcissist.

I can meet a pastor … or hear a pastor preach … and say to myself, “He certainly seems to have some narcissistic tendencies.”

But I can’t say definitively that he’s a narcissist.  Only a qualified psychologist can do that.

So don’t go up to a pastor and say, “I think you’re a narcissist.”  And don’t tell others, “I think our pastor is a narcissist.”

The most you can say is, “I believe he has narcissistic traits.”

Second, realize that narcissistic pastors know much more about church than they do about God.

Why do I say that?

Because NPs are consumed with outward signs of success (like church attendance and their salary) rather than inward signs of success (like the fruit of the Spirit).

For this reason, a NP may impress you with his dress and humor and stories, but he’ll rarely help you to know God better.

Third, narcissistic pastors are fun in the short-term and obnoxious in the long-term.

When you first meet a NP, they’re fun to be around.  They make you feel good.  They seem larger-than-life.

But the more you get to know them, the more you realize that they only love themselves … and that ultimately makes them hard to like.

Fourth, you can’t get close to a narcissistic pastor.

Because the narcissist is always mindful of his image, he’s not going to tell you anything that might ruin the way you view him.

You might spill your guts to a NP, but he’s only going to reveal so much of himself.

So if you suspect that your pastor is a narcissist, stop hoping that you’re going to become best friends.

He’s probably not even close to his wife or children.

Finally, narcissistic pastors just don’t change.

In Johnson and Johnson’s book The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments, the authors write about narcissists:

“Referrals for therapy are generally not likely to be helpful.  Not only do narcissistic persons rarely follow through with treatment, there is no significant evidence that they benefit from any form of intervention.”

If you’re on a church staff … or on a church board … or regularly attend a church … and you suspect your minister is a NP… please realize that he will probably stay that way until Jesus returns.

God has the power to change him … it’s just that he doesn’t think he needs to be changed.

_______________

Many of us have been deeply wounded by narcissistic pastors.  When we play their games, they’ll accept us into their fan club, but when we stop playing their games, we find ourselves permanently ostracized.

I’ve observed that narcissists carry around two lists: the good list and the bad list.

If you tell them they’re great, you’re on their good list.  If you tell them they’re ordinary … or you stop telling them they’re great … then you’re transferred to their bad list.

And once you’re on their bad list, you’ll never get back on their good list.

What are your experiences with (presumably) narcissistic pastors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One December evening 30 years ago, I broke my left elbow playing church basketball.

It was an awkward time.  My left arm was immobilized, so I did almost everything with one arm.

My wife helped me get dressed.  I drove using just my right hand.  When I preached, I could only gesture right-handed.

Several days later, I attended a luncheon of area pastors at a megachurch where the pastor (I’ll call him Pastor Billy) was on television.  My grandmother, who lived in another state, watched him all the time.

Pastor Billy welcomed everyone, then minutes later, said something that caused a pastoral colleague to interrupt Billy and point out that I had a broken elbow.

Pastor Billy just stared at me without saying a word.  He seemed upset that someone else had deprived him of the limelight for just a moment.

Welcome to the world of narcissistic pastors!

Approximately one percent of the population in our country has narcissistic personality disorder.  We’re familiar with narcissists in the entertainment industry … the world of sports … and politics.  But somehow, it doesn’t seem proper for there to be any narcissists inside the church of Jesus.

But they’re there all the same … especially among the ranks of pastors.  Although I haven’t met that many (less than 10), I’ll never forget the ones I have met.

We all have narcissistic tendencies.  Given the right circumstances, each of us can behave in a self-centered, vain and childish manner.

But the true narcissist behaves this way all the time.

At first, narcissistic pastors are a kick to be around.  They’re charming … entertaining …  clever … and interesting.  They tend to develop a following … at least for a while.

But narcissistic pastors can also become the source of much conflict in a local church, and the sad thing is, they remain oblivious to their own part in creating and sustaining conflict.

Let me share with you five ways in which narcissistic pastors create conflict (three today, two next time):

First, narcissistic pastors are obsessed with their image, not their character.

Narcissists believe that they’re perfect or nearly perfect already.  They lack the ability to engage in self-examination because they’re vacant at their core.

So because they don’t focus on their inner selves, they focus on their outer selves instead.

They’ll brag that they wear the best clothes … live in the best house … drive the best car …  attended the best school … and visit the best doctors.  If someone or something is associated with them, then that person or thing automatically becomes the best.

The problem, though, is that their secular value system clashes with the values of Scripture, which emphasize virtues like love, faith, worship, and obedience.

When the pastor’s values and biblical values clash at church, there’s going to be conflict … guaranteed.

Second, narcissistic pastors delight in putting down their rivals.

The narcissistic pastor engages in a silent competition with other pastors.  He’s constantly comparing his achievements to theirs, especially the Big Three: bodies, bucks, and buildings.

The NP becomes inwardly joyful when he hears that a fellow pastor’s church is shrinking … or that the church down the road isn’t meeting its budget.

In fact, the NP is always dishing dirt on Christian leaders, but because he does it in a humorous way, most people just accept it.

I once invited a NP to be a guest speaker.  During the course of his message, he harshly criticized several other pastors, to the point that I was embarrassed.  Most people were unaware of what he was doing, but sadly, I knew.

More than most people, the narcissist believes that when others are descending, that means that he’s ascending …. and he’s often willing to help that process along.

A NP that I know was having trouble with his church board.  After he announced his resignation, he preached a final sermon, and severely criticized the board before the entire congregation … leaving a bigger mess for the congregation to clean up after his departure.  (Years later, I visited that church’s website, and his name and ministry were conspicuously absent.)

Third, narcissistic pastors cannot empathize with the pain of others.

So when someone shares a struggle, they reply with stock phrases: “That’s terrible” or “That’s horrible” … but they don’t feel terrible or horrible for the other person because they feel nothing.

The NP isn’t vulnerable or transparent.  He rarely admits that he does anything wrong because imperfection ruins his image.

So it’s difficult … if not impossible … to get close to a NP because you can only truly befriend someone who is authentic.

It’s hard to like someone who conceals who they really are.  Consequently, NPs have few close friends.

Because they don’t understand how their words and actions can cause pain for others, they never admit the wrongs they commit, choosing to blame anyone and everyone for conflict except themselves.

And when the leader of a church … or a business … or a country … refuses to take personal responsibility for his decisions and actions, that creates resentment, and conflict grows.

_______________

Peter Steinke, a congregational consultant, wrote the book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times 8 years ago, and his 11-page postscript is titled, “People of the Charm” and describes narcissism in Christ’s church.  The book is fantastic, but for anyone who has struggled to serve with narcissists in the church, that postscript is worth the price of the book.

Next time, I’ll add two more ways that NPs create conflict in churches, and then suggest some ways to limit narcissism in the church.  See you next time!

 

 

 

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When I was in third grade, my class received music instruction from Miss Rose via closed-circuit television.

I loved to sing, and I liked Miss Rose – until she visited our classroom one day.  I was disappointed because Miss Rose didn’t look like she did on TV.

So when my class was lining up after recess, I told somebody that I thought Miss Rose was ugly.  A girl immediately wheeled around and told me, “Ummm.  I’m going to tell the teacher you said that.”

Okay, I shouldn’t have said what I did, but it wasn’t any of that girl’s business, either.  If she had told the teacher – or Miss Rose – she could have turned a thoughtless remark into a larger incident.

And this kind of thing happens all the time in churches.

Let me share with you three kinds of boundary violations that happen in churches all the time:

First, sometimes a previous pastor interferes with the ministry of his successor.

Several years ago, I read about the pastor of a megachurch (let’s call him Wally) who resigned and moved 800 miles away to become the pastor of another church.

The church he left called a new pastor (let’s call him Harry) whose ministry began to go well.

But Wally’s new ministry wasn’t going that well, so he decided he wanted to return to his original church.

So he orchestrated Harry’s departure, and then returned to his old church … and damaged hundreds of people in the process.

When a pastor leaves a church, he needs to leave that church alone.

It’s okay to stay on the mailing list … to have friends in the church … to have a general idea of what’s going on … and to pray for the church’s pastor and ministry.

But it’s wrong to become a complaint center for naysayers … to undermine the new pastor’s ministry … to second-guess leadership decisions … and to provide counsel for the pastor’s detractors.

Sad to say, but some pastors are so narcissistic that they’ll cross ethical boundaries just to harm someone else’s ministry … and that creates major conflict.

Second, sometimes people try and turn their current church into their previous one.

21 years ago, I was involved in rebirthing a church.  We changed our ministry, sold our property, and started over in a new location with a new name.

An upper-class couple began attending our church.  They had once attended a nationally-known megachurch and seemed intent on helping us.

One night, the husband gave me a piece of paper on which he had evaluated major church leaders by certain categories, like appearance … work ethic … giftedness … and so on.

He even evaluated the pastor … me.

I was shocked by how brazen his actions were.  He’d only attended our church a few times … and he didn’t serve in any capacity … but he had the audacity to try and remake our church into his previous one.

After I overcame my depression, I told the gentleman that I didn’t need his help anymore, and I never saw him or his wife again.

While he tried crossing boundaries, I’m thankful that I caught it and put a stop to it.  Sometimes pastors … and church leaders … have to define and enforce boundaries or people will run roughshod over them.

Finally, sometimes people snoop around where they don’t belong.

When I first entered church ministry, I heard the pastor talking one day through a wall.  He seemed animated and passionate, so I put my ear to the wall to hear what he was saying.

Suddenly, I was seized with guilt, and quickly backed off.  Whatever he was saying wasn’t meant for me.

In a dysfunctional family, boundaries are violated all the time.  Dads search their son’s rooms for drugs and magazines.  Moms try and read their daughter’s diaries.  After their children leave home, the parents interfere with their marriages, offer unsolicited advice, and take over family gatherings without permission.

The parents think they’re helping, but they’re just making things worse.

By the same token, it’s wrong to drive by the church to see if the pastor’s car is there … to snoop around the church office looking for classified information … to monitor the pastor’s behavior to find some dirt on him … and to form conclusions without knowing the facts.

I’ve noticed that whenever there’s major conflict in a church, some individuals have violated their boundaries:

*The board begins disciplining staff members directly … usurping the role of the pastor.

*The pastor starts lying down guidelines for the women’s ministry … rather than letting the women do it.

*The youth pastor starts telling people how the church should really worship … although that’s the role of the worship director.

*The worship director starts demanding that he should make all the final decisions for the services … but that’s the pastor’s job.

*The associate pastor tells friends that he’s the best preacher in the church … but that’s not his assignment.

And on and on and on …

In 2 Chronicles 26, King Uzziah of Judah violated divine boundaries when he entered the temple to burn incense.  Azariah the priest confronted him and said in verse 18:

“It is not right for you, Uzziah, to burn incense to the Lord.  That is for the priests, the descendants of Aaron, who have been consecrated to burn incense.  Leave the sanctuary, for you have been unfaithful; and you will not be honored by the Lord God.”  And then God gave Uzziah leprosy until the day he died as a way of saying, “The king is to be a king, not a priest, and a priest is to be a priest, not a king.”

Read 2 Chronicles 26:18 again and let it serve as a warning from Almighty God:

Violate the space of others … and go where you don’t belong … and you will cause many to suffer.

But if you stay in your own space … and refuse to cross boundaries … God will reward you.

What are some other boundaries that Christians cross at church?  I’m interested in hearing your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Do you always have to be right?

I know the temptation all too well.

In my first pastorate, I visited shut-ins, and one day, I visited Cecil and Freda.

Due to their age, they rarely came to church, and Cecil told me that he said the Lord’s Prayer every day.  But he had a bone to pick with me.

Cecil said that when I read or said the Lord’s Prayer, I said, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”  But Cecil wanted me to know that it was really in earth as it is in heaven, not on earth.

I took out my pocket New Testament, and Matthew 6:10 said “on earth,” not “in earth.”  (When in doubt, let Scripture decide.)

But doggone it, Cecil had been saying the Lord’s Prayer for many years, and he was saying it the right way, and everybody else – even Bible translators and his pastor – were wrong.

What can a young pastor do?  I just smiled and changed the subject.

In that instance, I was wise.  But on another occasion, I was anything but.

I once visited a newly-married couple in their home after they had visited our church the previous Sunday.

While we were chatting, the woman blurted out, “But all sins are equal in God’s eyes, right?”

I should have let it go … I should have let it go … but I didn’t.

I gently explained what I believe Scripture teaches: that any and every sin will condemn us before a holy God, but that some sins are definitely worse than others in this life.  (For example, uncontrolled anger and murder are both sins, but murder is far worse than uncontrolled anger.)

But this couple had come from a church background where they had heard the phrase “all sins are the same before God” and my little two-minute explanation wasn’t what they wanted to hear.

They never came back to the church … and I needed to learn that I didn’t always have to be right.

How many conflicts in this world occur because people insist that they’re right and the other party is wrong?

How about Israel and the Palestinians?

How about Democrats and Republicans?

How about creationists and evolutionists … or global warning proponents and skeptics … or those who welcome illegal immigrants and those who don’t?

In the same way, many conflicts in churches occur because some people … even pastors and church leaders … have to be right all the time.

They have to be right about every nuance of theology … the proper interpretation of tough passages … the color of the nursery … and how long the pastor preaches.

And even when they violate Scripture, they still insist they’re right … and that those who disagree with them are wrong.

But Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 8:1, “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.”

You can know a lot … and be right nearly all of the time … and yet do it all with a prideful heart … and so be very much wrong.

Let me offer three thoughts about “being right”:

First, it’s right to take and present a position.

My wife recently did some redecorating for her home preschool.  She asked me what I thought.  I told her what I really felt … once.

She listened … countered with a few ideas of her own … and that was that.

I stated my position and then dropped the matter.  Since it’s her preschool, she needs to make the final decision.

There would be far fewer conflicts in churches if churchgoers treated pastors the same way.

For example, let’s say you don’t like a change in the worship service.

It’s all right to feel the way you do … and to tell your pastor how you feel … but then let the issue go.

Trust that he will make the right call, even if it takes a while.  You had your say … but must you have your way?

Second, learn who you can argue with … and who you can’t.

I like to argue, to test my positions and learn how other people think.  Ultimately, I’m after Truth with a capital “T.”

I try to argue without being argumentative, but sometimes, that doesn’t work out.

My wife and I were once invited by a friend and his wife to a dinner honoring various kinds of ministry chaplains.

While sitting at dinner, I made a comment about abortion, assuming the person sitting next to me would agree with my position.

He didn’t.

We quickly got into a verbal exchange … all because I didn’t yet know who he was.

If you know someone who loves a friendly argument, by all means, go at it … just so you remain friends afterwards.  Jesus certainly argued with both His disciples and His enemies a lot.

But if you’re around someone who doesn’t like to argue … let it go!

And my guess is that the vast majority of people do not like to argue.

Finally, realize that everybody is wrong at times … even you.

Last Saturday, my wife and our daughter and I visited San Diego.

I suggested that we visit the collection of shops and restaurants known as Seaside Village.

My wife gently called it Seaport Village.

I said, “No, I think it’s Seaside Village” … but then I wondered, “What if she’s right?”

When we walked up to the village, it was Seaport Village all right.

Because I didn’t make a big deal about the name, my wife and daughter let it slide.

But if I had said, “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I’m right,” they wouldn’t have let me forget it all weekend.

When we know we’ve been wrong in the past, that knowledge should give us humility the next time that we’re positive we’re right.

But when we always insist that we’re right, we alienate our loved ones and people stay away from us.

In U2’s song Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own, Bono sings to his dying father, “You don’t have to put up a fight, you don’t have to always be right …”

If Christians would memorize and practice those lyrics, we’d have fewer conflicts and more far peace in our churches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pastor Jon was in trouble.

He had graduated from Yale as a young man, becoming valedictorian of his class, and later became a faculty member there.  But he sensed that God wanted him to become a pastor rather than a professor.

So Jon was called to pastor the church that his grandfather had led for 57 years … a prestigious church of 600 members.

Several years later, Jon’s ministry gained great fame when 300 people were converted within 6 months.  He later preached one of the most influential sermons of all time.

But although Jon was held in high esteem outside his church, his influence gradually began to wane among his own congregation.

For starters, Jon was paid by the local town council, and some people objected to the fine clothes and jewelry that his wife wore.

Since the townspeople paid his salary, they felt they had a right to know how Jon and his wife Sarah spent their money, so they requested an itemized family budget.

Sarah began having nightmares about “being driven from my home into the cold and snow” and “being chased from the town with the utmost contempt and malice.”  She imagined that her enemies surrounded and tormented her, worrying “if our house and all our property in it should be burnt up.”

In addition, Jon had noticed that many of his converts seemed to be more emotional than devout about their Christian faith, so he began to stiffen the requirements for church membership.

He also insisted upon “closed communion,” believing that only believers who had given evidence of conversion should take it, eventually resulting in the suspension of the Lord’s Supper for many years.

Jon also believed that a church should be a theocracy (ruled by God through the minister) rather than a democracy (ruled by congregational decision-making).

While Jon could sense that some were rebelling against him, he was often locked away in his study.  But his wife could feel what he couldn’t see.

He wrote a book to explain his views … but hardly anyone read it.  People began to spread hearsay testimony against him, claiming that he wanted to “judge souls.”

After 23 years as pastor, Jon was finally voted out of office by a 10-9 vote.  His ministerial career was over.

Because Pastor Jon was dismissed over a matter of conscience, the church had a hard time attracting pastoral candidates.  Because Jon couldn’t sell his house, he stayed in town, and even did some guest preaching for the church that fired him.

Finally, Jon was asked to be a missionary and moved across the state.  During that time, he wrote books … mainly on theology … works for which he is still known today.

Jon was asked to become the president of Princeton, and died a few months later at the age of 54.  Sarah died 6 months afterwards.

If you haven’t guessed already, Pastor Jon was one of the greatest philosophers, theologians, and preachers that America has ever produced: Jonathan Edwards.

He pastored a church in Northampton, Massachusetts, from 1727 to 1750 … and found himself right in the middle of the First and Second Great Awakenings.

Edwards’ case shows that given the right conditions, every pastor is susceptible to forced termination.

There is a general consensus among Christians that when a pastor is forced to resign, he must have done something to cause his dismissal.

But I know many pastors who have sterling character … are wonderful preachers … and caring pastors … who have been pushed out of a church.

In fact, the latest statistics say that 28% of all pastors have gone through at least one forced termination … and I know good men who have been through this experience two or three times.

Yes, a small percentage of pastors probably shouldn’t be in church ministry.  And yes, there are some highly dysfunctional churches out there, most of them ruled by a single individual or family.

But many … if not most … pastoral terminations occur because of a “perfect storm.”

I once knew a pastor who had great success in two churches.  When he was called to the third church, things did not go well, and he quickly latched onto another position.  Was that last situation all his fault – or was it simply a combination of circumstances?

In my own case – which I’ve recorded in my book Church Coup – my departure occurred because of a variety of factors, including a national recession (which impacted giving), inexperienced and over-reactive leaders, an undermining predecessor, exaggerated charges, and my own exhaustion, which caused me to be reactive rather than proactive in handling conflict.

In the case of Jonathan Edwards, here was an authoritarian pastor, a town increasingly receptive to democratic ideals, three wealthy individuals who opposed Edwards, the unfortunate death of his best ally, and the long shadow of Edward’s grandfather Samuel Stoddard, who was still venerated by the people of Northampton … and some of whose practices Edwards tried in vain to change.

But that’s not the whole story.

According to William J. Petersen’s book 25 Surprising Marriages, the union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards produced the following descendants: “13 college presidents, 65 professors, 100 lawyers, 30 judges, 66 physicians, and 8 holders of public office, including 3 senators, 3 governors, and a vice president of the United States.”

There’s an old saying that states that history is written by the conquerors.  So I suppose that whenever a pastor undergoes forced termination, those who pushed him out think that their story is the final account.

But as the life of Jonathan Edwards demonstrates, even the greatest of men can be rejected by their contemporaries.

Just like Jesus.

 

 

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