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Archive for the ‘Conflict with the Pastor’ Category

How Anxiety Produces Chaos in Churches

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on May 12, 2014| 2 Comments »

I did something last Friday that I shouldn’t have done … and hopefully will never do again.

What was it?

At their parents’ request, I picked up two elementary age children from their school … and it was a nightmare.

The father teaches at the school, and the mother had to be away, so they needed someone to watch their boys for the afternoon, and my wife has done it before.

I arrived at the school ten minutes early … but nothing prepared me for the chaos that ensued.

Along with other vehicles, I moved into the left hand lane to turn into the school’s turnaround area.

We didn’t budge for at least 15 minutes.

But some cars began zipping past me on the right.  Where were they going?

The cars drove down the road … made a left … then made a U-turn … and came back toward the school so they could turn right into the parking lot ahead of those of us turning left!

Another woman drove up next to the cars in my line on the right … and then made an illegal U-turn in front of everybody!

It was absolute chaos … and nobody was directing traffic.

I finally turned left into the parking lot … looked everywhere for the boys amid a sea of faces … and couldn’t find them.

So I stopped the car next to the curb … stood up outside to get a better view … and was promptly reprimanded by a school official, who ordered me to get back into my car.

(All I was thinking was, “God, please don’t make me leave the turnaround area and go through that mess again!”)

We finally located the boys … they jumped into my car … and we traveled at a snail’s pace until we came to a fork.

Go right … and you’re stuck in an immovable line of cars making their way back to the street.

Go left … and you drive through some cones blocking the entrance to the street … but it was the quickest way out.

The chaos in that parking lot reminded me of three truisms about church conflict:

First, when people become anxious, they make up their own rules.

Some parents who were trying to pick up their kids didn’t care about propriety … or traffic laws … or taking turns.

So they cut in front of other vehicles … took shortcuts … and put others at risk.

I told the school official about some of the lawbreaking drivers … but the school had no plans to police incoming parents.

When major conflict surfaces in a church, some churchgoers forget they’re Christians and act like pagans instead.

They ignore everything Scripture has to say about conflict.

They spread nasty rumors without verifying their truthfulness.

They join the mob trying to force their pastor to quit.

And in the process, they model chaos for their families … new believers … and unbelievers.

But what’s worse is that it appears as if nobody is in charge.

If conflict ever breaks out in your church, remind people of what Scripture says about conflict resolution … or anarchy may result.

Second, when people become anxious, their focus becomes narrow.

Some parents who were picking up their kids were so intent upon finding their wee ones that they didn’t seem to notice anybody else.

The evidence?  Their selfish driving and lack of consideration.

When we become anxious, we block out the world around us, and focus on what’s troubling us.

Have you ever lost your child inside a store?

You don’t notice the merchandise on the shelves … or the people in your way … because you only have eyes for your child.

And you only expand your horizons when your child has been located.

When a church has a major conflict, people tend to focus on one person: the pastor.

In their minds, he’s either caused the conflict, or hasn’t stopped it … so he’s gotta go.

Anxious Christians fail to ask questions … do any investigative work … or hear from the other side.

They can’t see the bigger picture … that the devil is trying to destroy their congregation … so they join the mob … and the enemy smiles.

If conflict ever breaks out in your church, work hard to get people to see the bigger picture … or your pastor is toast.  

Finally, when people become anxious, they’ll do anything to find relief.

To leave that school in a hurry, some parents will willing to break the law … outrage other drivers … and risk injuries to their children and vehicles.

And when a major conflict surfaces inside a congregation, people … even God’s people … will do almost anything to make the conflict go away.

They don’t want to learn the truth about what’s really happening.

They don’t want to take the right road for resolving issues.

They don’t want to speak to people on both sides.

So they quickly choose a side … usually that of their friends … and lobby for the conflict to end.

And if that means that the pastor’s head rolls … so be it.

If conflict ever breaks out in your church, tell church leaders that you insist they use a biblical process for resolving matters … or hell itself will assume leadership.

If I could pound one thought into the head of every Christian churchgoer about congregational conflict, I’d say this:

When conflict erupts inside your church, apply biblical principles to your situation, and God will honor and bless your congregation.

But if your people make up their own rules … have a narrow focus … and do anything to find relief … a lot of innocent people are going to get hurt.

And God can’t bless your church until your congregation repents and learns what you should have done.

In the meantime, I’m going to avoid school parking lots.

_______________

While I was writing this article, I just hit 70,000 views on my blog.

If you come here from time to time, thanks for reading!

If this is your first time here, I invite you to return.

And if you read my blog regularly, thank you so much for your attention!  I am humbled by the fact you come back again and again.

Remember: I love interaction, so feel free to leave comments.  I strive to respond to all of them within 24 hours.  When it comes to church conflict, we’re all learners.

And if you’d like to chat privately, you can reach me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org or check out my website at http://www.restoringkingdombuilders.org

How do I know that anxiety produces chaos in churches?

I’ve written a book about my experiences called Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.  You can purchase the paperback or e-book from Amazon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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When Your Friends Become Friends with Your Enemies

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on May 8, 2014| 12 Comments »

Something happened on Facebook recently that distressed me.

One of my friends – a good friend, I thought – became Facebook friends with one of my enemies.

This “enemy” wasn’t someone that I despised, but someone who, let’s just say, is not one of my biggest fans.

Why was I concerned?

Because I didn’t want my “enemy” to influence my friend to stop being friends with me.

You ask, “Jim, that doesn’t happen among Christians, does it?”

Oh, yes, it does … and it’s happened to me a lot over the past few years.

How does this happen?

It’s simple.  Pastors … no matter how hard they try … make some enemies.

Those enemies have friends in the church … and the pastor is often friends with those same people.

A pastor’s enemies are usually vocal.  They’re always trying to explain why they don’t like the pastor … or why they don’t attend their church anymore.

Let me give you an example.

Nearly 20 years ago, a woman demanded that I do something for her, and when I resisted, she went ballistic on me.

She told many people how unhappy she was with her pastor, including a newer believer who was gearing up to start a vital ministry.

The newer believer quit coming to church.  When I went to her house, she refused to come to the door … and her whole family left en masse soon after that.

A friend had now become an enemy.

This kind of thing happens all the time in churches.

Someone is unhappy with the pastor … spreads their discontent to others … and usually finds someone who takes their side.

What do you do when a friend and an enemy become friends?

Do you “unfriend” your friend on Facebook and never speak with them again?

Do you distance yourself from your friend and think, “If you want to be friends with that person, then we are no longer friends?”

Do you contact your friend and demand that he or she “unfriend” your enemy?

These sound like responses an 11-year-old girl would make … but not a mature believer.

Over time, I’ve learned three important lessons about friends befriending enemies:

First, it’s okay for your friends to be friends with your enemies.

I don’t want anyone telling me who I can and can’t have as a friend … and I need to extend that privilege to others.

There are people that I don’t like but my wife adores.

There are people that I like that my wife can’t stand.

And there are people that my friends like who don’t like me.

It is possible for someone to be friends with you and friends with your enemy without being unduly influenced by either party.

This happens to many of us when two friends separate and divorce.  We don’t take one side or the other … we remain friends with both individuals.

We must allow our friends the same courtesy.

Second, real friends stay loyal to you.

If Joe (an enemy) tells Judy (your friend) that you’re a no-good-so-and-so, and Judy ends up siding with Joe, Judy may drop you as a friend.

But what kind of friend was Judy if she’d abandon you like that?

But if Joe tries to persuade Judy that you’re no good, and Judy ends up defending you, Judy has proven to be a faithful friend.

Let’s say that a pastor leads a congregation of 500 people and that he assumes all 500 people are his friends.

But then a rumor flares up that the pastor has stolen money from the church … a rumor that’s totally false … but a rumor some people pounce on to say, “Let’s get rid of the pastor.”

The pastor may think to himself, “Okay, maybe I’ve lost a handful of friends, but 480 people are still loyal.”

But the accusation … whispered through the church … may result in the pastor losing several hundred friends … and even his position.

That’s when the pastor finds out who his real friends are.

Like all pastors, I’ve been accused of various wrongs over the years, and it’s hurtful to watch people I thought were friends walk away … often for good.

But I’ve also discovered that many people have vigorously defended me, even when it’s cost them friendships.

Those people are your real friends.

Finally, your friends may eventually have to choose between you and your enemy.

I have a good friend who was also friends with one of my enemies … although I didn’t know he was my enemy at the time.

Anyway, whenever my friend and my “enemy” got together, the “enemy” delighted in running me down.

Finally, my friend had had it.  He told the “enemy” to stop running me down … and when he wouldn’t stop … my friend stopped being his friend.

I don’t like having enemies.  I don’t want to hate anybody … a response I can control … but some people have chosen to hate me … a response I can’t control.

And when I hear that a friend and an enemy have gotten together, it makes me a little bit nervous.

But we all have to learn to trust people, and to believe that our real friends will defend us and support us no matter what our enemies might say.

I didn’t like most of the music from the late Seventies, but I did like this song by the late Andrew Gold – his only real hit – called Thank You For Being a Friend (otherwise known as the theme to The Golden Girls TV show).

And I dedicate this song to all of my real friends … and want you to know how much I appreciate and love each one of you!

(Choose the first song in the top left corner … and skip the ad.)

https://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AiyyiGzjjtBgG6oYMxz1f8ybvZx4?fr=yfp-t-901-s&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&p=andrew%20gold%20thank%20you%20for%20being%20a%20friend%20youtube

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tips for Confronting a Pastor

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on May 2, 2014| 2 Comments »

Imagine that you’re enjoying a family get-together on Father’s Day, when suddenly, your brother decides to confront you about a remark you made several hours earlier – only he does it in front of your entire family.

You might feel defensive responding in front of others.  Your brother might engage in theatrics to put you on the spot.  Various members of your family might immediately take sides.  The entire confrontation could divide your family and result in one big mess.

So rather than responding in front of your family, the wiser course might be to say, “Can we discuss this matter in private rather than in front of the entire family?”

The implication underlying Matthew 18:15-17 is that your brother – in this case, your pastor – has said or done something that threatens to harm your relationship, or even his ministry.   Nowhere in Matthew 18:15-17 are pastors or church leaders excluded from Jesus’ directives.

Matthew 18:15 does not say: “If your brother sins against you, ask someone else to confront the offender.”

And it does not say, “If your brother sins against you, tell everyone but your brother how much he hurt you.”

And if you’re a member of a church board, this verse does not say, “If your brother sins against you, ask the board chairman to confront the pastor.”

And nowhere does Jesus say, “If you’re upset with your pastor, send him an email and let him know what you really think.”

No, if you heard the pastor say something sinful, or you saw him do something wrong, it’s your job to confront the pastor – or you need to let it go.

But if it’s serious enough that you can’t let it go, then work up your courage and set up a one-on-one meeting with your pastor as soon as possible.

*When should you have the meeting?

One Sunday in my first pastorate, I tried serving communion a different way.  The following Sunday, a board member reprimanded me for my little experiment – five minutes before the following Sunday’s service in the men’s bathroom.

The very worst times to have a confrontation with your pastor are right before and directly after a service where he’s preaching.

Before the service, the pastor will be focused on his message and may not take your concerns seriously.

After the service, the pastor will have expended an enormous amount of adrenaline and may not be in full control of his emotions.

You want to speak with your pastor when he’s at his best, not when he’s at his worst.

A pastor friend once surveyed his colleagues and discovered that the optimal day to confront a pastor was on a Tuesday.  This makes sense because the pastor has recovered from his adrenaline loss the previous Sunday and is just beginning to focus on his message for the following Sunday.

When I was a pastor, my preference was for individuals to call and make an appointment with me.  Depending upon that person’s identity, we’d agree on a meeting place together.

*Where should you have the meeting?

If you meet in the pastor’s study at church, you’re on his turf, and he can control the environment … but in some cases, that might be the only possible place.  A neutral room at the church might work as well.

If you invite the pastor to your house, he may become wary and not come at all.

My preference – if possible – was to have a tough meeting in a public place (like a restaurant) where both parties had to be on good behavior.

It’s extremely difficult for most people to confront their pastor about an offense.  Most people prefer to let things go or tell others how they feel.

But if you really love your pastor – and you want him to change – confronting him may be something that God is calling you to do.

And nobody said that obeying God would be easy.

__________

The article you have just read is adapted from an e-book I’m writing for church boards (and decision makers) who are frustrated with their pastor and are exploring the possibility of terminating him.

I’m about 80% done with the first draft and welcome your comments about what I’ve written.

 

 

 

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Traumatized by Friendly Fire

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , on April 28, 2014| 4 Comments »

My wife and I recently watched a television show where a soldier who had seen combat overseas was experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder back home.

The soldier kept reliving an attack upon an enemy compound, leading him to believe, for example, that a routine thunderstorm outside his house was really caused by enemy fire.

I’ve seen these kinds of shows before, but what struck me during this episode was the real source of the soldier’s pain.

After reenacting events, it came out that the soldier was torn up inside because he saw his commanding officer accidentally kill a fellow soldier … and nothing in his training had prepared him for that moment.

He couldn’t comprehend how a leader on his side could take the life of a colleague.

Only when the truth came out was the soldier finally able to start the healing process …. and sleep through the night.

In churches all across our land, pastors and their family members are suffering emotional and spiritual trauma, even to the point where some have been diagnosed with PTSD.

For example, I recently read an article about a pastor’s son in his early teens.  Because this young man couldn’t handle the attacks upon his father any more, he contemplated suicide by standing above a river … and nearly jumping in.

What causes such trauma for pastors and their family members?

It’s not criticism.  Pastors get used to that.

It’s not having people disagree with you.  Pastors automatically factor that into their ministries.

It’s not watching people leave the church.  Pastors know that they need “blessed subtractions” from time-to-time.

No, what causes trauma is when professing Christians – especially Christian leaders – relentlessly assassinate their pastor’s character, seeking to destroy him at all costs … and the congregation lets it happen.

Why is that traumatizing?

Because pastors teach their congregations to love one another … to work out their differences … to treat each other with dignity and respect … and to realize that we’re all made in God’s image.

But when the pastor is treated like he’s a criminal … or evil … or demonic … there is nothing in his theology or his experience he can draw upon to make sense of things.

Pastors cannot fathom how Christians – including church leaders – can act like non-Christians inside God’s holy church.

When I wrote my book Church Coup, I removed the following quotations because of space, but I thought I’d share them with you now:

__________

Dr. Shelley Rambo is professor of theology at Boston University.  In her recent book, Spirit and Trauma: A Theology of Remaining, Dr. Rambo challenges Christian leaders to think about trauma survivors in a theological way.  Citing Dr. Rambo’s work, columnist Anthony Bradley explains:

A traumatic event is not like a death of a loved one or being rejected by a friend.  Instead, it involves activities that were life-threatening, either physically or in one’s perception, creating a sense of unrecognizable fear, utter helplessness, or horror.  Rambo points out that trauma is a wound that ‘remains long after a precipitating event or events are over,’ and it ‘exceeds categories of comprehension’ related to an event.  Trauma is an encounter with death that exceeds the human capacity to take in and process the external world.  In fact, because of trauma, what one knows about the world is shattered.  What is true and safe are ruptured . . . . Life is not the same anymore.  The trauma interprets life for the sufferer.[1]

__________

Did you catch that?  “What one knows about the world is shattered … the trauma interprets life for the sufferer.”

I know pastors who were forced out of their churches who experience similar trauma nearly every day.  They ask me, “When will my suffering end?  When will I be whole enough to serve God again?”

__________

Bradley continues:

Surviving post-trauma is a life of navigating one’s way through a minefield of triggers that remind the sufferer of the traumatic event or events.  Triggers can lead to random bouts of sobbing, irregular and disturbed sleep patterns, outbursts of anger, depression, anxiety, loss of hope, loss of interest in things once loved, thoughts of suicide, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, as well as running away from thoughts, conversations, people, places that might arouse traumatic memory.  Because trauma survivors re-experience the event in ways outside of one’s control, healing is not a matter of believing the right things about God.  Or getting the gospel right.  Time does not heal traumatic wounds.  Traumatic memory is something only God can heal.  The Holy Spirit must empower trauma sufferers to re-imagine their future . . . . Those limping around in life after experiencing trauma need people who love them enough to realize that they may never ‘get over it’ and that their on-going struggle does not represent weak faith.[2]

__________

In our case, my wife was diagnosed with PTSD by a counselor.  My wife and I are familiar with the triggers:

*Christmas and Easter

*visiting a worship center laid out like our former church

*seeing a random comment on Facebook by a one-time opponent

*running across a photo showing the faces of people who betrayed you

*trying to explain for the umpteenth time why you are no longer in church ministry

*reading our situation into a TV show or movie plot

*noticing what David wrote about his enemies in the Psalms

Several months ago, I gave a copy of my book to a family, who passed it on to a family member who had once been a pastor, but was forced out of his church.

His response after reading the book?  “I am glad to learn that I am not alone.”

It’s one of the most common responses I receive from pastors.

People sometimes ask me, “Are you healed now?”

My answer is always the same: I feel much better, but I will probably never fully get over what happened 52 months ago … and I know I am not alone.

Why not?

Because there is nothing so traumatic as knowing that fellow Christians are intentionally shooting to harm you.

May God forgive each one.

[1] Anthony Bradley, “When Trauma Doesn’t Heal,” World Magazine Online, 4 May 2011; available from http://onlineworldmag.com; Internet.

[2] Ibid.

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Three Thoughts on Pastoral Resignations

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on April 25, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Several years ago, I had breakfast with the president of a seminary in Africa.

He told me that pastoral transitions are handled poorly almost everywhere … and much of the time, major conflict breaks out as a result.

Although I’m still a learner, let me share three brief guidelines for pastoral resignations:

First, make the announcement sooner rather than later.

There are at least two schools of thought on this point.  When a pastor definitely knows that he’s going to resign:

*Let the information leak out slowly.

*Make a public announcement and get it out in the open.

In most cases, I favor the latter approach.

If a pastor tells a few people in confidence that he’s leaving, one of them will invariably tell others … including their spouse … but few will share the pastor’s reasoning accurately.

The more people who know, the more they’ll speculate as to why he’s really leaving … and the pastor can easily lose control of the situation.

My first ministry as a youth pastor went well, but I was only part-time, and the church wanted to hire a full-time associate pastor … and I was too young for that position.

When I knew that I wasn’t going to be staying, I stood in front of the church, announced my resignation … effective a few months later … and ended all speculation that I would be the new associate.

This allowed me take control of the situation.  I announced my reasons for leaving publicly, and gave people plenty of time to adjust to my departure.

It’s hard to keep secrets in churches.  Better to just get it all out in the open than to play games.

Second, leave a gap between the last pastor and the next one.

I know a church where a staff member left one Sunday, and his replacement started the next Sunday.

That’s as disconcerting as having your mother die, and a week later, your father remarries.

People need time to grieve the departure of a pastor or staffer, especially someone who has meant a lot to them or been in the church for a long time.

And if people don’t have the time to grieve, guess who receives the brunt of their criticism?

That’s right … the new guy.

In the case of a staff member, it’s better to plug the gap with volunteers from inside the church … other staff members … board members … and even people hired from outside the church.

In the case of a senior pastor, it’s better to bring in special speakers until an interim arrives.

After a little while, people will start asking, “When’s the new guy coming?”

That’s far better than hearing them say, “This new staffer doesn’t compare to our beloved __________.”

Finally, leave the church completely.

Just yesterday, a former church leader told me what happened at his church.

The pastor of his church was retiring, so he resigned … and stayed in the church.

The result?

The church split.

Why would that happen?

I know why.

After I resigned from my first staff position, another position opened up … church custodian.  (The theological term is ecclesiastical engineer.)

I planned on getting married … needed a full-time job … and was hired to clean the church.

The church went on to hire an associate pastor, and we got along well.

But people began approaching me to complain about the youth program … and about the associate pastor.

I listened … but shouldn’t have.  Sometimes I commiserated … but should have kept my mouth shut.

The associate worked for the senior pastor … not for me.

But because I was a former staff member … and many people knew me … my opinion carried weight.

And I’m sure my opinions were shared with others.

Without thinking, I was undermining the associate pastor just by my presence on the church campus.

Pastors and staff members: please … when you resign … LEAVE THE CHURCH.

Only return if you’re invited.

It doesn’t matter how many of your friends or family members attend that church.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve served.

It doesn’t matter if your kids were dedicated and baptized there.

It doesn’t matter how cordial and kind you are.

Your presence will undermine your successor and confuse God’s people … so after your last day, pack up your things and go … please.

My second staff position was in a church that had existed for nearly a century.

In the back of the church, little plaques listed the name of each pastor, along with the years he served.

Back then, those names and dates meant nothing to me.

But today, I’d look at those names and ask:

I wonder how well each transition was handled?

If a quarterback fumbles a handoff, the other team may end up with the ball.

My prayer is that God’s servants will hand the ball off so wisely that the devil and his teammates never touch that ball.

 

 

 

 

 

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Four Reasons Some People Dislike Their Pastor

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , on April 15, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Fifteen years ago, I was called to become the associate pastor of a church led by a pastor friend.  If things went well, the plan was for me to become the senior pastor after he retired.

And things went well … most of the time.

I went to the church with one primary agenda:

I wanted to get along with everybody … including the senior pastor … the other staff members … members of the church board … the children, youth, and seniors … and everyone else.

So I worked harder than normal at relationships, and tried not to give people any reasons to dislike me.

As always, my go-to verse concerning relationships was Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

From my angle, I listened well … tried to understand where people were coming from … monitored my speech … and worked hard to address people’s genuine concerns.

And yet when I left that church nearly 11 years later, some people hated me anyway.

Why do some people dislike their pastor so much?

Let me offer 4 possible reasons among many:

First, some people want a different kind of pastor.

On my initial visit to the church, my wife and I were scheduled to meet with the church board for an interview on Saturday morning.

The night before, the church treasurer … who sat on the board … resigned and announced he was leaving the church.

And he hadn’t even met me!

Why did he leave?  Because he wanted the church to hire an associate from a specific liberal seminary … and that was never going to happen in that evangelical church.

Had this individual stayed at the church, he might have caused all kinds of trouble.

Some people will never like their pastor because he isn’t ideal in their eyes …

But if the pastor is going to be faithful to his calling, there’s nothing he can do about it.

Second, some people want full access to their pastor.

Before my first board meeting, the pastor asked me to lead a discussion in the meeting from a chapter in a book the board was reading.

After I asked one question, a board member responded, “Who cares?  Next question!”

I had barely started, and this board member was already on my case!

It didn’t take long to discover that in his eyes, I was a terrible preacher … my ideas were unworkable … and my ministry philosophy was crazy.

And he let others know how he felt.

I tried to talk to him …. suggested we have lunch together …  but there was no interest.

Before I came, this man had full access to the pastor.  After I came, he lost some of that access because of my new position.

This gentleman wanted similar access to me after I became pastor, but he couldn’t imagine it happening … so he strongly disliked me … and eventually left.

Pastors need to be accountable … first to God … and then to the church board … but not to individuals on that board.

And when the pastor obeys God first, some leaders may very well hate him …

But if the pastor is going to be faithful to his calling, there’s nothing he can do about it.

Third, some people take offense at statements the pastor makes.

Last Sunday in Rome’s Vatican Square, the Pope went “off script” and delivered his homily off-the-cuff.  Many people praised the Pope for this approach.

But many pastors prepare a manuscript of their messages because they need structure when they speak.

My best lines often came when I was unscripted … but that’s when I was susceptible to saying stupid things, too.

One time, I made a statement … with passion … about a topic I felt strongly about.  I could have … and should have … said it better.

One couple were outraged by my statement.  They demanded that I apologize to them.

Although pastors are not infallible while speaking, apologizing for what you’ve said in the pulpit sets a bad precedent, especially since someone is always offended by God’s Word.

(How would you feel if your pastor began every few sermons with this statement: “I want to apologize for something I said last Sunday?”)

But this couple wouldn’t let up.  They complained to the church board … but the board supported me.  They then wrote the board a letter … and the board still supported me.

So this couple left the church … and we were all relieved.

Yet even when a pastor speaks the truth in love, somebody isn’t going to like it … and they’re going to dislike the pastor in return …

But if the pastor is going to be faithful to his calling, there’s nothing he can do about it.

Finally, some people violently disagree with their pastor’s decisions.

Whenever I made major decisions as a pastor, I solicited input and sought the approval of the staff and board … but some people still thought I was a dictator anyway.

One time, I wanted to make changes in our Sunday services.  I took my time and asked for input … drew up seven brief guidelines … and presented them to the board for approval.

They were all approved.

But a relative of one of the board members didn’t like the guidelines.  She became angry … and let others know how she felt.

I liked her.  And I met with her … listened to her … explained my position … which she seemed to understand … and asked if she would contact me if she had any other concerns.

She promised me she would … but her disagreement morphed into hatred.  She proceeded to engage in sabotage, eventually leaving the church in anger … and I never saw her again.

Was there anything I could have done to salvage that relationship?

Some laymen might say yes.  Many pastors would say no …

But if the pastor is going to be faithful to his calling, there’s nothing he can do about it.

If you don’t like your pastor … and you’re tempted to spread your feelings to others … please leave your church instead … quietly.

And if you’re a pastor who wants everybody to like you … please choose another profession.

The night before He died, Jesus warned His disciples, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first…. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also” (John 15:18, 20).

The world hates Jesus’ followers.  I get it.

But I will never understand why some Christians hate Jesus’ appointed and anointed servants: pastors.

And I don’t think Jesus understands it, either.

Do you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Who Cares for Lost Shepherds?

Posted in Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on April 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

When I first became a pastor in my late twenties, I was appalled at how many pastors in our district were forced to leave their ministries because they were opposed by a handful of antagonists.

As a rookie pastor, I met on a monthly basis with the district minister and other area pastors for lunch, and whenever I heard about a pastor who was forced to resign, I wanted to know why it happened and how he was faring, especially since I had become friends with some of those pastors.  The dominant impression I received was that each minister resigned because “he had it coming” and that lay leaders reluctantly handed out the treatment he deserved.

For example, one pastor in our district told his congregation in frustration that they “didn’t give a damn” about a certain issue, but because the pastor used the word “damn” in a public meeting (not a church service) some leaders believed that he had disqualified himself from service.  But I wanted to know why he used that language.  When I first entered the district, this pastor took a special interest in me, and if he became so incensed that he used emphatic language inside church walls, then maybe some detractors pushed him over the edge.

Another pastor friend was forced to leave his church because his daughter had been falsely accused of an offense and he resigned to protect her.  (The truth came out sometime later.)

But in district circles, we rarely heard about unhealthy congregations.  Instead, the implication was that if a pastor was forced out of office, you could trace his departure to something he did or said wrong.  The very presence of conflict indicated his guilt.  It’s like saying, “Caiaphas is furious; the Pharisees are incensed; Pilate is anxious; the mob is unruly.  Who is responsible?  It must be the fault of that man hanging on the center cross.”

So early in my career, I learned how district leaders viewed pastors who experienced a forced exit.  The pastor was usually blamed for whatever conflict occurred.  Upon hearing the news that another colleague had resigned, I would call that pastor and ask him why he left, and every man was transparent enough to tell me.

Then I’d ask, “How many other district pastors have called to express their concern?”  The answer was always, “You’re the only one.”  As I recall, in my first several years as a pastor, seven colleagues were forced to leave their churches, and every one told me I was the only minister who called, which broke my heart.  I later did a study of pastors in our district and discovered that out of sixty pastors that had departed, fifty were no longer connected to the denomination.  I felt so strongly about this issue that I wrote an article for our denominational magazine titled “Who Cares for Lost Shepherds?”

Why don’t pastors demonstrate more concern for their colleagues who experience forced exits?

Maybe pastors have enough happening inside their own churches to reach out to peers, or they wouldn’t know what to say to a colleague, or they don’t want to become embroiled in another church’s issues.  But my guess is that most pastors don’t want to associate with anyone they perceive as a loser.

If you’re forced out of a church, the perception is that you must be incompetent, immoral, or ignorant of church politics.  There is something wrong with you, not the church, and if you were smarter, you wouldn’t have such problems.

For example, I recently heard a seminary professor refer to a leadership structure he utilized when he was a pastor, stating that he never really had a major conflict with a congregation over two decades of ministry.  Translation: If you handled matters my way, you wouldn’t have any conflict.

But this sentiment seems arrogant to me.

Jesus wasn’t crucified because he was unhealthy but because the political and religious leaders of his day were spiritually rebellious.

Paul wasn’t chased out of European cities because anything was wrong with him but because his hearers were hostile toward the gospel.  (Were all Paul’s problems with the churches in Corinth and Galatia his fault?  Doesn’t he usually place the responsibility for church troubles at the feet of the whole church rather than single out certain leaders?)

It’s popular to say, “If the team isn’t winning, fire the coach,” but some pastors have led their churches to growth and yet are forced to leave because the powerbrokers feel less significant as the church expands.

While a small percentage of pastors deserve termination, the great majority who are involuntarily sacked have done nothing worthy of banishment.  [David] Goetz recommends that denominations keep better records of forced exits to identify repeat-offender churches and suggests that denominations discipline churches that slander or abuse their pastors.

__________

This is an excerpt from my book Church Coup which was published a year ago by Xulon Press.  The book describes a real-life conflict that happened nearly five years ago in my last church ministry.

I wrote the book to describe how a major conflict feels from the pastor’s side and to suggest a multitude of ways that such conflicts can be avoided.

If you’re interested in purchasing the book, you can buy a hard copy or download the e-book from Amazon.com.  Just click on the picture.

Thanks for reading!

 

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A Proposal for Limiting Pastoral Terminations

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on April 7, 2014| 12 Comments »

According to widespread statistics, 1500 to 1900 pastors leave church ministry every month due to burnout, moral failure, or forced termination – most through forced termination.

And yet according to Alan Klaas – who investigated the reasons why pastors were forced out in various Christian denominations – only 7% of the time do pastors leave because of personal misconduct, while 45% of the time they leave because of a minority faction.

And much of the time, that faction is composed of the official church board, whether they’re called elders, deacons, or the church council.

The scenario usually looks like this:

Someone on the church board becomes upset with the pastor.  The grievance might concern the way the pastor does his job.  It’s just as likely that the grievance is personal.

He or she does not speak with the pastor personally about the matter but talks to one or more board members instead, who add their own grievances to the mix.  In fact, it’s common for personal grievances to morph into official charges.

The pastor almost never has any idea that these grievances are being discussed.

When a few regular attendees step forward with grievances against the pastor – even though the number of dissatisfied individuals may barely reach 5% of the congregation – some board members will conclude, “We must remove our pastor from office.”

The church board then meets in secret … compiles a laundry list of the pastor’s “offenses” … and concludes that the pastor must be evil.

And because the pastor has become demonic in their thinking, any method used to get rid of him is justified.

Even though the Bible specifies how to deal with these situations, Scripture is ignored.

Even though the church’s governing documents usually spell out the process for removal, that process isn’t followed, often because removal requires an unpredictable congregational vote.

Even though the law lays out parameters, it suddenly becomes irrelevant.

So one day, the pastor attends a regular board meeting, and they ask for his resignation.  Or the board calls the pastor to a special meeting, and when he arrives, he’s told that he must resign or be fired.

And the pastor has no idea that his board has been plotting against him for weeks, if not months.

The carnage to follow may ruin the pastor’s career … split the church … divide friendships … and damage the church for years.

Is there a better way to handle pastoral termination?

I believe there is.

Every church needs a small team of fair-minded individuals whose charter is to teach the congregation the biblical way to resolve disputes … including disputes between the pastor and the board.

Let’s call it The Conflict Resolution Group (CRG) for lack of a better term.  They could be appointed by the board or voted into office by the congregation.

The group could be as small as three or as large as seven.  The CRG might be composed of a military officer … or a human resources director … or an attorney … people who must abide by certain operating procedures in their own professions.

The CRG would become their primary ministry in the church.

Those in the CRG would receive periodic training on church conflict prevention and resolution based on Scripture.  They would help to mediate and resolve various disputes within the church.

And if the church board wanted to remove the pastor, the board would have to consult with the CRG first.

Why?

Because too many boards use deceptive and destructive methods to force their pastor to resign … methods the board doesn’t want the rest of the church to know about … including demands and threats.

But under this plan, the CRG would monitor the board to make sure that a pre-determined process was used that would minimize harm to all parties involved.  A couple of CRG members might even attend board meetings, insuring that everyone be on their best behavior.  And CRG members might meet with the pastor – whether he stays or leaves – to make sure that he felt he was treated fairly.

If the board followed a specified process in all their dealings with their pastor, everyone would know that the process was fair.

But if the board refused to follow the process … or they deviated from the process without the CRG’s approval … or they acted without informing the CRG … then the entire board would be expected to resign (as specified ahead of time) and the CRG would inform the congregation that the board tried to circumvent the pre-determined process for removing the pastor.

Let me say this loud and clear: some pastors need to leave their churches for a host of reasons.  No pastor deserves a lifetime contract.

But it isn’t the pastor’s removal that results in massive carnage … it’s the deceptive and dangerous way that removal is carried out … because most church boards don’t want anyone looking over their shoulder when they move to eliminate their pastor.

You need to know: I detest bureaucracy.  If this proposal is just another layer of red tape, then forget it!

But most pastors are accountable to their boards and issue verbal or written reports at every meeting.

Yet while most boards are accountable to their congregations in theory, it doesn’t work in practice – especially concerning pastoral termination – because boards rarely tell the church the real reason why their pastor resigned.

So if a board knows in advance that it will be accountable to a group that’s watching their every move – and if that board knows that any missteps can be reported to the congregation – they will have to handle matters the right way or leave office.

I don’t know whether or not my theory works.  I hope it does.

But I do know this: the way that a typical church board removes a pastor in our day usually results in pain for hundreds if not thousands of people.

In fact, if the process I just described could have been implemented twenty years ago, tens of thousands of pastors might still be in church ministry today instead of sitting on the sidelines with broken hearts.

What do you think of my proposal?

Feel free to comment or send me an email at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

 

 

 

 

 

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I Forgive You Anyway

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on April 3, 2014| 1 Comment »

I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness,

Even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore

-Don Henley, The Heart of the Matter

In my book Church Coup, I related the story of Pastor Guy Greenfield who had been forced into early retirement by a small group of antagonists from his church.

As related in his book The Wounded Minister, Greenfield wrote each person who hurt him a lengthy personal letter detailing how he felt about “what they did to me, my ministry, my marriage, my family, my health, and my future.”

Did anyone answer their former pastor?  Not one.  They didn’t want to make things right with him – they wanted him to disappear.

How can a pastor find closure when he can no longer interact with those who have tried to harm him?

The only remedy is unilateral forgiveness.

Let me write a letter to church antagonists and bullies on behalf of those thousands of pastors who have been forced to leave their previous positions prematurely:

__________

Dear Christian Friend,

You didn’t follow Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18:15-17 or Paul’s instructions in 1 Timothy 5:19-21 that deal with confronting a believer/leader who has done offended you.  This made me feel violated … but I forgive you anyway.

You failed to speak to me directly about any of my personal shortcomings or ministry mistakes although you freely discussed them with others.  This wounded me to the core … but I forgive you anyway.

You made false accusations against my character which caused churchgoers to distance themselves from me.  Losing those friendships hurts me to this day … but I forgive you anyway.

You did not provide me with a fair forum where I could answer any charges made against me.  Even a serial killer gets his day in court … but I forgive you anyway.

You ignored the section of the church constitution and bylaws that delineates how to remove a pastor, making up the process as you went along.  In my case, I played by the rules … but I forgive you anyway.

You seemed to have no interest in my restoration, using the tactic of “mobbing” to force me to resign.  Being abused by God’s people stings … but I forgive you anyway.

You didn’t know – and probably didn’t care – that when you forced me to resign, you may have ended my pastoral career.  This causes me unspeakable pain … but I forgive you anyway.

You hurt my family deeply – to the point they’re unsure if they want to attend church anymore – even though they viewed you as their spiritual family.  When they hurt, I hurt … but I forgive you anyway.

You have tried to hurt my reputation – some things you’ve said have been reported back to me – and I cannot understand why.  I committed my life to serving you … but I forgive you anyway.

You probably thought you were doing good by removing me from office, but the way you did it was wrong.  I’m still disappointed that you didn’t follow God’s Word … but I forgive you anyway.

Because I have a lot of forgiving to do, it’s going to take me a while.  Only God can forgive those offenses instantly.

I guess the next time we meet will be in heaven.  I look forward to reconciling with you there.

Sincerely,

Your Former Pastor

__________

I have found that when a forced-out pastor takes his last book down from the shelf … stares for the final time at the worship center … and drives away from the church campus forever … he cannot fathom why professing Christians treated him like he was demonic.  There’s nothing in his theology or experience to explain why he was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced without any kind of process, biblical or otherwise.

But pastors who have been forced out of their congregations can better understand these words of their Master on the cross:

“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”

Even though they thought they knew what they were doing, we pastors do know what they were doing.

And to each of them we say, “I forgive you anyway.”

 

 

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Why Push Out a Pastor?

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment! on March 19, 2014| Leave a Comment »

The following article is from a working draft of my e-book tentatively titled Thinking of Terminating Your Pastor?  The book is directed to church decision makers – especially board members – who are responsible for correcting a pastor and/or starting the process of removing him from office.

_______________

One of my pastor friends once went through a harrowing experience.  After the Sunday worship service, the church board called him into a meeting.  A few minutes later, the pastor emerged from that gathering without a job.

To this day, that pastor doesn’t know why the board terminated him – and it gnaws at him.  Was it his preaching?  His leadership?  His refusal to surrender to a wealthy church bully?  Since the board never gave the pastor specific reasons why they let him go, that pastor has been forced to guess.  Imagine that you’re visiting a country overseas, when suddenly the police burst into your hotel room and haul you off to jail.  Wouldn’t the first question out of your mouth be, “What have I done wrong?”  That’s how pastors feel when they undergo a forced exit – and they are entitled to know why they’re being pushed out.

Legally, you may not have to tell the pastor why you’re letting him go, but on a spiritual basis, it’s essential.   According to Scripture, you must have specific reasons for dismissing a pastor (Matthew 18:15-17; 1 Timothy 5:19-21).   Once you formulate and agree on them, you’ll need to share them with:

*The pastor, who in turn will share your reasons with his wife, children, extended family, friends, ministry colleagues, advisors, and any prospective churches or employers that may be interested in hiring him.

*Denominational leaders, who will want your board to account for why you dismissed your pastor.

*An interim pastor and any future pastors, who will need to know the truth about why you dismissed your current pastor because it will affect whether they’ll want to come to your church.  In fact, they may wonder if you’ll dismiss them the way you dismissed your current pastor.  When I was called to my first pastorate, I had great apprehension about taking the position because the board had fired their previous pastor after only one year of service.   What assurances did I have that they wouldn’t do the same thing to me?

*Future board members, some of whom may be reluctant to join a board that pushed out their pastor.   After a pastor is forced to leave a congregation – especially a pastor who is loved by many people – some churchgoers will look for someone to blame, focusing their attention on the church board.  Because board members may be vilified after a pastor is terminated, it may be difficult to fill future board positions in the future, at least for a while.

Should you share your reasoning with family and friends?  What about the congregation?

While I tend to lean toward at least partial disclosure, do all in your power not to harm the pastor’s reputation or ability to secure a new position.  There may be legal repercussions if you do.

Regardless of your reasoning, make sure to keep your story straight.   Avoid giving various parties different sets of reasons why you made the decision you did.   If you share varying reasons with different parties, some will compare notes and seek to discover the real reason why you removed your pastor … and your board won’t look credible.

You may have noticed that I didn’t mention one particular party in my list above: God.

Hopefully, you won’t be telling God why you dismissed your pastor … you’ll be responding to God’s guidance instead.

Never say, “Lord, please bless our decision to remove our pastor from office.”

Say instead, “Lord, we strongly sense that You are leading us to remove our pastor from office, and we only want to obey Your will.”

And if you cannot sincerely say that last line to the Lord, seek to handle the difficulties you’re having with your pastor in another way.

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