38 1/2 years. That’s how long my wife Kim and I have been married.
We “went together” for two years before we got hitched. I was 21, she was 20. Sounds pretty young, doesn’t it?
During our more than four decades together, we’ve had our share of conflicts.
For starters, we come from very different families. My family tends to be private, cautious, and conscientious. Kim’s family tends to be public and risk-taking, with a no-holds-barred attitude.
On Myers-Briggs, we’re exact opposites: I’m an ISTJ, while she’s an ENFP.
Before we got married, I was a spender and she was a saver. After we got married, I became the saver, she became the spender.
And when it comes to sleep … I don’t sleep all that well, while Kim can sleep anytime, anywhere.
In spite of our differences, Kim and I have learned how to resolve the inevitable conflicts in our relationship.
Let me share with you four things (among many) that we’ve learned:
First, marital conflicts need to happen.
I once heard the famous evangelist Luis Palau say that if two married partners agree on everything, one of them is mentally challenged.
It’s exciting to be with people who are different. It’s boring to be with people who are clones of yourself.
There was a time in our marriage when I’d come home from work and Kim had completely redecorated the living room … without consulting me.
I learned that she has a high need to be creative, while I want everything to be functional. We had some pretty good go-rounds about her decorating decisions years ago, but we’ve identified the issues and learned how to discuss and negotiate our differences since then.
When you and your spouse disagree about an issue – even if you strongly disagree – quietly tell yourself, “This is the price I pay for living with someone I love.”
That attitude will help you work toward reconciliation.
Second, stay calm when you’re arguing.
Why do people yell and scream when they’re arguing with someone? Because they’re frustrated that the other person isn’t hearing them.
But raising your voice ten decibels only increases the anxiety in your relationship … and when anxiety is high, so is conflict.
Sometimes your points are more powerful when you use a softer approach.
When my wife and I have a strong disagreement – and we still do on occasion – I don’t want the neighbors hearing our conversation … but I do want to hear what my wife has to say.
So I place my hand above my head and slowly bring it down as if to say, “Please use a calmer voice.”
Am I being controlling? I don’t think so. I want to hear my wife’s points, but I can’t discern them if the volume is too high.
Think about this: parents insist that their children “use a quiet voice” when they’re upset about something. Shouldn’t dads and moms set an example?
We haven’t mastered this skill yet, but we’re getting better at it.
Third, focus on understanding your partner’s viewpoint.
More than 20 years ago, Kim and I had a backlog of issues to resolve, and we just weren’t getting it done.
So we set aside some time and set up a “Peace Conference.”
Kim could discuss any issue on her mind … for two minutes. Then it was my job to tell her what she’d just told me.
When she assured me that I understood her, we both shared back and forth – using the two minute rule – until we came to a resolution.
Then we wrote the decision down … and it was my turn to initiate an issue.
The two minute rule gave us structure and injected fairness into our discussions. We calmed down, knowing that we’d both get turns to share as long as we both showed we understood the other.
Years ago, when I wasn’t quite understanding what Kim wanted from me, I’d ask her, “If I could say/do this over again, how would you like me to handle it?”
Then I’d listen … ask questions … and do all I could to comply with her wishes.
You haven’t understood your partner until you can put into words what they want from you.
Finally, avoid going to bed angry.
Ephesians 4:26 encourages us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. What wise counsel!
In his book Sleep: It Does a Family Good, Dr. Archibald Hart cites research from his daughter Sharon indicating that “80 percent of wives cannot get to sleep after an argument. They need to talk a problem through and arrive at some resolution before they can turn it off.”
But according to the same study, “80 percent of husbands are incapable of talking through a difference without getting angry and withdrawing.”
Dr. Hart shares three principles to prevent arguments at bedtime:
1. Never open up a topic that is likely to be contentious just before you go to bed.
2. If you find yourself in an argument or heated discussion about any topic, call a truce as soon as possible.
3. If you do not have good argument skills, Dr. Hart recommends reading Dr. Sharon (Hart) May’s book How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen.
In the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray and Debra usually have their arguments when? Right before bedtime!
For the first several years of our marriage, Kim and I tried to observe Ephesians 4:26 by staying up late – sometimes after midnight – to resolve issues.
Now that our wonderful children live on their own, we have much more time to keep current with each other’s needs and views.
I’ll write more on this issue another time.
How do you resolve conflicts in your marriage?












































































Is There Life After Church Ministry?
Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged forced termination of pastor, life after pastoral termination, ministry for ex-pastors, ministry for former pastors, pastoral termination on March 3, 2014| 5 Comments »
Since I left church ministry more than four years ago, I’ve had some good days and some bad days.
Mondays through Saturdays tend to be good days. Sunday afternoons and evenings are good, too.
But Sunday mornings are rough.
Why?
Because Sunday mornings used to be the highlight of my week. All my thoughts, energies, and prayers culminated in those two worship services, when I would stand before God’s people and bring them God’s Word.
I lived for Sunday mornings.
But now, Sunday mornings don’t seem so exciting … and like many pastors, I wonder:
Is there life after church ministry?
That’s what many ex-pastors want to know … whether or not they deserved being pushed out of church ministry.
I’ve written extensively on this topic, especially in my book Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.
Let me share four quick thoughts on this topic:
First, God retires many pastors from church ministry before they’re ready.
Neil Diamond once issued an album called Tap Root Manuscript. There was a song on there called “Done Too Soon.”
After recounting the names of a host of famous people like Jesus Christ, Mozart, Genghis Khan and Buster Keaton, Diamond sang:
And each one lived, there’s one thing shared
They have sweated beneath the same sun
Looked up in wonder at the same moon
And wept when it was all done
For being done too soon
For being done too soon
Most pastors who have experienced a forced exit thought they would retire from church ministry around age 65 … on their terms … rather than much earlier … on someone else’s terms.
Their careers were definitely “done too soon.”
But as I look back on my situation more than 50 months later, I see that God retired me from church ministry because of His grace … and it takes a long time to accept that.
Jesus had to accept that His ministry was “done too soon” after only 3 years.
But this truth doesn’t mean that God is done with ex-pastors because:
Second, God has moved many ex-pastors into kingdom work.
Who is better qualified to do kingdom work than former pastors?
I have a friend who does conflict mediation for churches … and he went through pastoral termination three times.
I have another friend who trains Christian leaders worldwide … and he went through termination twice.
The list of pastors who were pushed out of their churches includes Jonathan Edwards … Billy Graham … and many well-known leaders and authors whose ministries have become much broader than a local church.
In fact, I’ve learned that most ex-pastors involved in kingdom work went through one or more forced exits … and that God had to fling them out of the church first.
Fourteen years ago, I took a doctoral class at Fuller Seminary taught by Dr. Bob Logan. During every lunch period, Dr. Logan met with several students and asked us what we wanted to do after we received our doctorate.
I told him that I wanted to minister to pastors and churches that were going through conflict. (Privately, I also wanted to write.)
There was no known pathway to turn my dreams into reality. I planned to be a pastor until retirement and then think about conflict ministry … but God had other plans … and I’m glad He did.
Because every time a pastor calls me on the phone or a church leader sends me an email, I say to God, “Thank you, Lord, for calling me to this important work.”
Third, God takes care of His children … especially former pastors.
About 2/3 of the time I served as a pastor, I enjoyed a secure income with benefits.
My wife and I didn’t worry about medical bills … having the money for vacations … or saving money.
But when you suddenly find yourself out of your career field, you have to start practicing all those sermons you gave about “trusting God.”
Over the past 4+ years since leaving church ministry, my wife and I haven’t gone into debt and we’ve met all our obligations.
Sometimes the Lord has provided us with unexpected gifts. Other times, He’s reduced expenses that we assumed were fixed.
While our income isn’t close to what it was five years ago, God has consistently provided for us, and for that, we praise Him!
The Lord knows how to take care of His servants.
Finally, God rearranges your priorities when you’re away from the church.
When I was a pastor, I wanted my priorities to look like this:
*God
*Family
*Ministry
But all too often, my priorities really looked like this:
*Ministry
*Family
*God
When you’re a pastor, the local church assumes a double identity: it’s both the source of your friendships and the source of your income.
And all too often, it creeps into first place on your priority list.
In fact, there were many times when I missed a family event because it seemed like I was married to my church.
But when you’re no longer a pastor, it’s natural for your priorities to look like this:
*God
*Family
*Ministry
And that can be a very good – and healing – thing.
If you know a pastor who has experienced forced termination, you can encourage him in two primary ways:
*Pray for God to use him mightily again … and to meet all his financial needs.
*Keep in regular contact with him. (When people stop contacting you, you assume that they’ve turned on you.)
And if you are a pastor who has experienced forced termination, remember this adage I learned from my mentor Charles Chandler:
They can take your job, but they can’t take your calling.
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