Something happened on Facebook recently that distressed me.
One of my friends – a good friend, I thought – became Facebook friends with one of my enemies.
This “enemy” wasn’t someone that I despised, but someone who, let’s just say, is not one of my biggest fans.
Why was I concerned?
Because I didn’t want my “enemy” to influence my friend to stop being friends with me.
You ask, “Jim, that doesn’t happen among Christians, does it?”
Oh, yes, it does … and it’s happened to me a lot over the past few years.
How does this happen?
It’s simple. Pastors … no matter how hard they try … make some enemies.
Those enemies have friends in the church … and the pastor is often friends with those same people.
A pastor’s enemies are usually vocal. They’re always trying to explain why they don’t like the pastor … or why they don’t attend their church anymore.
Let me give you an example.
Nearly 20 years ago, a woman demanded that I do something for her, and when I resisted, she went ballistic on me.
She told many people how unhappy she was with her pastor, including a newer believer who was gearing up to start a vital ministry.
The newer believer quit coming to church. When I went to her house, she refused to come to the door … and her whole family left en masse soon after that.
A friend had now become an enemy.
This kind of thing happens all the time in churches.
Someone is unhappy with the pastor … spreads their discontent to others … and usually finds someone who takes their side.
What do you do when a friend and an enemy become friends?
Do you “unfriend” your friend on Facebook and never speak with them again?
Do you distance yourself from your friend and think, “If you want to be friends with that person, then we are no longer friends?”
Do you contact your friend and demand that he or she “unfriend” your enemy?
These sound like responses an 11-year-old girl would make … but not a mature believer.
Over time, I’ve learned three important lessons about friends befriending enemies:
First, it’s okay for your friends to be friends with your enemies.
I don’t want anyone telling me who I can and can’t have as a friend … and I need to extend that privilege to others.
There are people that I don’t like but my wife adores.
There are people that I like that my wife can’t stand.
And there are people that my friends like who don’t like me.
It is possible for someone to be friends with you and friends with your enemy without being unduly influenced by either party.
This happens to many of us when two friends separate and divorce. We don’t take one side or the other … we remain friends with both individuals.
We must allow our friends the same courtesy.
Second, real friends stay loyal to you.
If Joe (an enemy) tells Judy (your friend) that you’re a no-good-so-and-so, and Judy ends up siding with Joe, Judy may drop you as a friend.
But what kind of friend was Judy if she’d abandon you like that?
But if Joe tries to persuade Judy that you’re no good, and Judy ends up defending you, Judy has proven to be a faithful friend.
Let’s say that a pastor leads a congregation of 500 people and that he assumes all 500 people are his friends.
But then a rumor flares up that the pastor has stolen money from the church … a rumor that’s totally false … but a rumor some people pounce on to say, “Let’s get rid of the pastor.”
The pastor may think to himself, “Okay, maybe I’ve lost a handful of friends, but 480 people are still loyal.”
But the accusation … whispered through the church … may result in the pastor losing several hundred friends … and even his position.
That’s when the pastor finds out who his real friends are.
Like all pastors, I’ve been accused of various wrongs over the years, and it’s hurtful to watch people I thought were friends walk away … often for good.
But I’ve also discovered that many people have vigorously defended me, even when it’s cost them friendships.
Those people are your real friends.
Finally, your friends may eventually have to choose between you and your enemy.
I have a good friend who was also friends with one of my enemies … although I didn’t know he was my enemy at the time.
Anyway, whenever my friend and my “enemy” got together, the “enemy” delighted in running me down.
Finally, my friend had had it. He told the “enemy” to stop running me down … and when he wouldn’t stop … my friend stopped being his friend.
I don’t like having enemies. I don’t want to hate anybody … a response I can control … but some people have chosen to hate me … a response I can’t control.
And when I hear that a friend and an enemy have gotten together, it makes me a little bit nervous.
But we all have to learn to trust people, and to believe that our real friends will defend us and support us no matter what our enemies might say.
I didn’t like most of the music from the late Seventies, but I did like this song by the late Andrew Gold – his only real hit – called Thank You For Being a Friend (otherwise known as the theme to The Golden Girls TV show).
And I dedicate this song to all of my real friends … and want you to know how much I appreciate and love each one of you!
(Choose the first song in the top left corner … and skip the ad.)
Some people are friends of your enemy because they don’t really understand what that person did to hurt you. One of my former staff members was extremely rebellious and helped split the church. He has moved to another state. I heard this week that one of the church members, who was supportive of me, is going on vacation to that state and wants to stay at his house. They are still friends. It is stunning to me that this person was so hateful to me and sinned greatly by rebelling, yet this friend of mine doesn’t seem to see the problem. I know a lot of people who are Facebook “friends” with pastor abusers. They forget about that verse that says, “Don’t even eat with such a one” (1 Cor. 5:11). I believe that pastor abusers are “revilers” in this verse.
I think this is the root of the problem—that pastors feel the pain because we are the bulls-eye on the target, but our church friends don’t experience any pain because they aren’t getting hit with bullets like we are (chapter 6 in Pastor Abusers). God bless, Kent
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I understand completely. In the situation I described at the beginning of today’s article, one of our best supporters became friends with one of our worst enemies … someone that hurt us and the church severely. If sins could be converted into crimes, the “enemy” was guilty of a Class 1 Felony. But for some reason, most lay people don’t view these situations as pastors do. They think, “Well, enough time has passed … we should all forgive … and this person seemed really nice to me when I saw them recently.” Because the pastor is long gone … and far away … people who once separated because of the conflict start coming together again … without repentance … like nothing ever happened.
In our case, anyone who supported us during the conflict was vilified, and they did experience pain for standing up for us. But carnal Christians get angry … and get away with it … and the godly don’t get angry … and when a conflict becomes a street fight, the carnal ones shout down the godly ones. The question I can never understand is: Why doesn’t anyone ever ask the carnal Christians in a church fight to repent of their sin or leave the church? Why do they get to stay while the pastor has to leave? It’s inconceivable that scenario would happen in a church under the apostle Paul’s supervision.
My wife’s mom always says, “The people of the church were there before the pastor and his wife came, and they’ll still be there after they leave.”
My biggest detractor has a Facebook page where nearly every one of my detractors is his friend … and he has comparatively few friends compared to most people. He was Grand Central Station in the conflict, but most people excused his behavior, even though he was up to his eyeballs in the conflict.
One of these days, we’re going to overcome this problem! In the meantime, let’s keep making noise by writing about it.
Thanks, Kent!
Jim
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This is a story which I never really got to express the facts of, nor get an objective perspective on the topic because my pastor was also my father.
Just recently a former church member passed away. It has revived stifled and unwanted emotions.
Let me back up.
Years ago, that now-deceased person left the church after having gossiped, drawn alliances, and planted seeds of bitterness among members. The topic isn’t really important, but I will say that that person wanted to have a leadership role of a ministry for which they had no education nor tools, and felt slighted at every turn by the pastor, his family, and those in charge of that ministry. We had qualified, educated, senior members running that ministry.
Years of trying to insert themself in a position into this ministry became an exercise against those in authority that resulted in that person’s frustration, anger, backbiting, gossip, and finally, from what I experienced, true hatred.
The situation went on for years before the pastor (dad) and the church board decided to ask that person to go before the congregation and come clean and repent or they and their family had to leave the church. Ironically, they and their family left a week before the church board was going to speak to them. Coincidence? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.
Because we ourselves didn’t wish to gossip or tear down, we kept it to ourselves. We didn’t want to seem to garner sympathy or draw sides, so we suffered silently. I felt that the Church’s needs were to be placed above my own, so I didn’t even share with my friends in the church the wrongs that had been done. It is such a lonely experience, and in hindsight, I should’ve handled things differently: I would now speak (and upset my mother, I’m sure, who wishes to keep the peace above all else, even truth. I love my mother, but this is a fact) and tell the truth whenever God wished. I would be strong in the Lord.
But I was very young at the time and wanted to be obedient to the Church and my pastor-father, and I thought his counsel and example to suffer in silence and look the other way was right.
– Churches in America…I can’t vouch for elsewhere…seem to view forgiveness and suffering in silence as the higher road, even trumping justice. Maybe it is the invasion of culture that has corrupted the church, but that misapplied tolerance posing as forgiveness, I believe, is really man’s errant attempt at nobility that should not overreach and negate God’s plan for keeping His Church holy. –
While the leadership took the high road for years and was nonconfrontational (and actually tried at times to placate that person’s thirst for recognition), people’s reputations were unnecessarily undone, and that damage was primarily to the church leadership and the pastor’s family. (One thing of note, when a gossiper gossips, the listener believes it’s enough to remain silent and nonparticipatory. That’s a fallacy. The listener needs to remind the gossiper not to backbite and gossip.)
Now, of course, sometimes we are to suffer quietly and not give an answer in defense; but as an adult I’ve learned that God needs to lead you to choose where to be silent and when to defend truth. We are not defenders of our own self, but of truth, and we can’t back down from the lovely, loving command to speak the truth.
Over the years, I have had some of the best relationships with people I’ve labored with and shared authority in the same ministry even though we are from very disparate backgrounds. We do at times disagree on implementation and method, but the difference in these brother and sisters and those who become bitter and vindictive are that, while they have fleshly desires as we all have, they do not behave or respond in the manner in which, thankfully, the majority of Christians do.
These foxes seldom ask for Godly advice from the leadership, and even less frequently follow it. They tend to be easily offended (it can masquerade as hurt), and refuse to go to the person who they believe has offended them to seek reconciliation. It is their compilation of actions in response to offense that begins to build, one brick at a time, the wall of “Them and Us.”
(By the way, Pastors out there, don’t diminish problems with youth as “just kids,” problems with young boys as “Boys will be boys,” and problems with some ladies as, “Women stuff.”)
There were those who thought that our silence meant that the perpetrator was the victim. This is a really slippery slope. This is why it is incumbent upon the church leaders to handle these situations quickly on a case-by-case basis. Truth must be not only spoken in love, but carried forth through action in that same love.
What the Body of Christ must do is not so much overcome its detractors and the little foxes that come to nest for a while. They are here, and some will stay. What we must do is, when they come, the Church must overcome instead its inability to apply Matthew 18.
Back to the present:
At that person’s passing, a couple of mutual friends have contacted me for solace, and as I’ve said, it has brought up emotions never dealt with or reconciled. Some of these folks don’t know the back story, but some definitely do, having only gotten the original version from that removed member.
It has been very hard for me to remain friends with those people who know what happened because I believe instinctively that I cannot truly trust them, and have decided that it is simply a sad fact that this is just one way that friendships are lost not to be revived to their former fulfilling state.
And what is the elephant in the room? The fact that they believe I offended another member — their friend — and mistreated that person until that person — the victim — left for kinder, greener pastures. That’s the myth that stands between us now. Obviously, God needs to restore me once again all these years later.
What a legacy.
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Thank you so much for writing. You write very clearly, and I take seriously everything you wrote. My father was a pastor as well, so I know what it’s like to be a PK in such a situation.
The NT is clear: there are factious, divisive people in every church. We don’t need to look for them … they almost always reveal themselves. They take offense easily … complain about petty issues … want to control what goes on at church … overreact continually … and are just plain nuisances. The longer a church tolerates these people, the more followers they acquire, and when they reach critical mass, they take dead aim at the pastor.
Most pastors aren’t trained to deal with these people in seminary, so they don’t have any plans when a bully raises his/her nasty head up. The pastor is wounded and caught off guard. If the pastor chooses to remain silent, and does not tell others about them, they will wear him down over time until he burns out or becomes largely ineffective.
The best course … as you mentioned … is for the pastor to train his board/council/top leaders to deal with the complaints as soon as they surface. I believe every pastor needs to say this to his congregation: “Here is how we handle conflict around here. If you have a problem with me personally, you need to speak with me directly. If you have a problem with a church policy, you may speak to any of the policy makers. But we will not tolerate any kind of divisiveness or factions around here.” Then if someone violates those rules, the leaders need to approach them quickly and stop it.
However … the leaders are usually friends with the divisive person, and doesn’t want to harm them or cause them to leave the church, so they tolerate the misbehavior … and then the bullies just get bolder because they know that no matter what they do or say, nothing is going to happen to them.
The troublemaker that you mentioned was probably tipped off that he was going to be called before the church. Some people probably would have viewed that action as persecution, so it’s usually better to meet with them privately and be loving but firm: we do not tolerate this kind of behavior in our church.
When Jesus’ opponents criticized Him to His face, He took them on. Read John 5-9. Or read Paul’s speeches in the last few chapters of Acts. When people make clear, definite, and public charges against a pastor, the pastor must answer them or risk losing his entire ministry. I wrote a blog article about this several weeks ago: https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2014/06/09/should-pastors-ever-defend-themselves/
As far as the now deceased powerbroker goes … you are free to tell your friends your side of the story now. It may or may not change the way they view you, but it may make you feel liberated.
I wrote a book called Church Coup about what my wife and I went through 4 1/2 years ago at a church I pastored for more than 10 years. I quote Scripture and conflict experts in trying to interpret what happened in our situation. Someone publicly accused me of a host of offenses even though it was the first time I heard most of them before. A consultant made me promise that I wouldn’t respond in the meeting, and I didn’t, but when I remained silent, people assumed I was guilty of all those offenses, which I wasn’t. If I had to do it all over again, I’d recruit and train a small group of wise Christians who would form a Conflict Resolution Group, and whenever these kinds of conflicts arise, they would lay down the ground rules for the way people are to behave. When a pastor is attacked, he needs others around him to support and protect him. I’m sorry that didn’t happen in your father’s case.
Just be comforted by the fact that the bully who died can no longer harm anyone again. My sense is that the Lord is giving him a stern lecture … assuming he went up, not down.
Jim
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Thank you so much for responding.
In defense of my father, he is an incredible man whose greatest strength has always been his gentle nature. Probably that also is his Achilles Heel. He is the man who would hear the advice of a 5-year-old child and not dismiss it before it had been considered.
He and I talked briefly about the situation over the years, but now that he’s elderly I have decided not to fully flesh it out with him because I don’t want him to suffer regret about what is past and can’t be changed. He has done so much right. As you said, having never trained for this scenario in seminary, I whole-heartedly believe he agonized over it and did what he thought was right.
And I completely agree that the family should have been approached through the years as incidents occurred. People need to know what they’re doing wrong before everything hits the fan; both in time for their reconciliation, and to diminish the possibility of further damage to the church.
The last time I saw this person was last year at a church Homecoming where all were invited, which was roughly 20 years after the family had left. At the time of Homecoming, this person was in remission from cancer. I only spoke to that person once at Homecoming — when we were both alone in the lavatory — where I said “hi” and they leaned in without so as an hello in return and said to me in a loud whisper, “Hi, (my name), you haven’t changed a bit, have you?”
I honestly for the life of me didn’t know what that meant, and wondered how so seamlessly we’d been jettisoned back in time to the 1990’s, so I put my hand on their arm, told them they looked good (it was true), and welcomed them to the event. I don’t think most rational people would believe me if I told them that story.
I think the struggle now is my sense of renewed loss over what my friendship should have been with certain people. It is all so fresh again. I feel like I am pretending when I comfort them. It has taken a lot of prayer and consideration before speaking with them to be sure I have the right words. I guess I have to take the time to allow God to work both in me and the situation now that this has happened.
(I have two friends who hope to see me at the funeral, but I just cannot go. But I will pray and consider your advice to tell them. I have an extraordinarily difficult time expressing myself verbally, and I have a terrible time dealing with emotion, especially in public. The emotions have caught me completely off guard.)
I will also look into that book you mentioned. It was horrible watching my parents suffer silently for years. I also plan to surreptitiously send my pastor some links to some of your articles. He is much more attuned to your methods of dealing with dissenters.
Mr. Meyer, I am so grateful to God for having found this article today when I was online. It was perfect timing. It is so ironic what we mourn when someone dies, and it is not always the person themself.
Thank you so much for your time and wisdom.
God bless you and your family.
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One of the ironies of church life is that the very people who drive us crazy … keep us up at night … and test our faith … don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. My all-time worst church nemesis – who organized a group of people to try and get rid of me as pastor – met me at someone’s deathbed several years after he left the church. We talked for a few minutes and “reconciled” as much as possible. He didn’t think he had done anything wrong.
Some people who try and harm pastors have character or personality disorders. They lack the capacity and insight to see that they do wrong from time-to-time and blame others for their negative feelings instead. If they don’t like the pastor, or think he should leave, that’s the pastor’s fault, not theirs. At least 4% of the population falls into this category. Since these people never change – because they never admit they’ve done anything wrong – all a pastor and/or his leadership team can do is ask them to leave the church. During my ministry career, I’ve met narcissists … sociopaths … and paranoids (the Big 3). The wise pastor needs to keep them out of leadership and if necessary, make sure they leave the church. The late G. Lloyd Rediger’s book Clergy Killers deals with this phenomenon, as does the more expensive The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments by Johnson and Johnson. Both books are on Amazon, as is mine.
I used to feel guilty because I didn’t get along with everybody in a particular church, but then I started asking myself, “If Jesus didn’t get along with everybody … and He didn’t, classing some people as dogs and swine … then why do I think I’m better than Him?” Try as we might, we just can’t get along with everybody … Romans 12:18. Your response in the bathroom was perfect. I might have ignored the person altogether!
15 years ago, a Christian leader died who tried to harm me professionally. I never liked him, and he didn’t like me. He viewed ministry institutionally, and I did not, so he had no time for me. When he died, I didn’t go to his memorial service, either, but in my case, I sent a generous check to his memorial fund as a way of saying, “You can never hurt me again.” And he hasn’t. Maybe we’ll meet in glory and have a good laugh over everything … or maybe he’ll stick to his corner and I’ll stick to mine.
By the way … you may have trouble expressing yourself verbally, but you write extremely well, and you’re very articulate.
May God richly bless you and give you His peace in the days ahead.
Jim
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Dear Jim,
Thanks so much for your counsel and encouragement.
Last Saturday, mutual friends of this person wanted me to inform my parents of the passing, and in doing so I did speak for a while with my dad this past Saturday evening. He did say that the person was spoken to once about the issue and only when matters progressed and got worse that they tried to get the husband and wife to speak with the deacons together, but that the spouse showed up alone and the troublemaker would not come. It was then that the pastor and deacons considered the congregational angle and the family got wind and left.
Over the weekend, I had a little time to put some pieces together.
Even though I was one of the targets, I was young and not involved in the leadership and higher-up politics of the church so I didn’t know all the ins and outs of what happened.
As a pastor’s kid, I was compelled to follow the rules by not only the pastoral authority in my life, but by parental authority as well. This authority meant that I had direct access to what the rules were. (Daily!) There was honestly no other option, and I have no problem with rules. I really only would challenge a rule if I thought they were against scripture, but I would go to the authority source to get guidance.
The troublemaker…I honestly don’t know what else to call them…wanted to work outside the rules and change the administration’s mind over their Biblical understanding of that ministry (in which I had no authority), and in which they wanted a role.
When that didn’t work, and when counseled against their overt actions, they began using back doors to accomplish their objection and building alliances. It could have been so easy! They could have done what was asked of all and been allowed small assignments, but they wanted to accomplish their ends by their own proviso. This makes perfect sense looked under the light of what you said about personality disorders. I used to think that Christians, of course, would be compelled by truth. I never really thought of narcissists, sociopaths, and paranoids as Christians filling seats here and there in the Church.
This person felt that the true obstacle was nepotism and favoritism when, in fact, it was just one person following rules; the other one not. It became sort of a mini version of the soil offering vs. the firstborn of the flock offering, do you know what I mean? I’m definitely not minimizing the horror of the original story.
In fact, what complicated matters was that my parents were reticent to do anything to defend or even support me because I was family and they wanted to avoid the appearance of nepotism. (My parents actually went overboard not to favor their kids sometimes to exclusion.) It was so ironic! And of course I wasn’t supposed to speak and defend myself, so I felt completely unrepresented.
Over the weekend, I started to think about how God could have used this in my life to strengthen and prepare me for where I am presently and I can attest to the ways He has.
Over the years, I’ve learned not to be a passive objector to gossip inside and outside the church. I have taken to heart how first to deal directly with people who deal damage to the church, and I’ve learned to also “mark” people who cause troublemakers who can’t be reasoned with.
(Folks rarely send gossip my way, but sometimes the people under me in ministry will come and tell (“warn”) me of gossip, to which I tell them to not be silent, but rather tell the talebearer that they have to be careful not to engage in gossip and that they should go to the person who is their topic of conversation. By and large, we have really great people. I do have to watch that their disclosure and our discussion doesn’t become a tearing down, but also that honesty is not lost in so doing.)
Sunday we had a guest missionary speaker who spoke about the importance of the church and relationships and it hit the spot. Amazing how God can orchestrate a sermon to simultaneously meet the different needs of a large group of people.
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. I am guessing no one is exempt from dealing with this in churches. I have a question. What do you mean by “viewing ministry institutionally”? Do you mean that in the way that some churches are run as a business corporation?
I am so intrigued by the list of books to read. And I am glad that they can be purchased off Amazon.
I think my next step is to do some “David-like” prayer and Bible meditation where I just go to God in humility and pour my angst out at His feet and tell him what’s going on in all its inglorious detail and get His strength and guidance. I think a lot was stifled and never was resolved.
For example, I still have a horrible time speaking up for myself. I tell myself, in defending truth, sometimes it may be to one’s benefit and sometimes it may be to one’s detriment, but to never mind the outcome – whether it be to my benefit or detriment — because that’s not the point, and I try my best to keep follow that precept.
Plus, I can write my thoughts fairly well, but when I speak I sometimes perceive that the listener is looking at me like I have two heads, and I don’t think I’m getting my point across. I think I sometimes start nearer the conclusion of the point I’m trying to make and leave out some of the steps of how I got there, and then I have to explain things to my lost listener. I annoy even my own self! I guess I can add that to my list of things I need help with.
It has been so good to get objective perspective these past few days, and to be judged by the facts. I am glad the weekend in over and while I’m not “cured,” I’m pretty sure that I’m on the way. God has been so gracious to me in all my shortcomings and weaknesses and has not have allowed me to suffer circumstances that may have hardened my own heart. May I never grieve the Holy Spirit in a futile attempt to hinder the work of those in my own church.
I truly hope I’m not overly bothering you. The work you do is such an important one and I’ve appreciated your candor.
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Well, no one who writes me bothers me, and I’m honored that anyone writes! I have a small non-profit ministry and I’m trying to make a difference in Christ’s church through writing myself. I was in pastoral ministry for 36 years and enjoyed my time very much, but I think that over time, I became tired of all the hassling and wrangling that goes on behind-the-scenes in churches. God retired me against my will, but in so doing, prepared me for the next – and maybe final – stage of my life.
I’m not catching why you were targeted by the powerbroker in your church. With some people, they target the pastor for removal, but if they can’t find an impeachable offense, they turn to his wife. If they can’t find anything on her, they turn to his kids. That sort of thinking is evil and from the pit of hell, but it happens thousands of times. Just this morning, I read about a woman in a church who attacked a pastor’s wife and kids to force him to leave. Since you seem like a sensitive and conscientious person, did you assume that the attack meant that you had done something wrong? Even if you had, why was it this person’s business? Just wondering.
The troublemaker left the church because his actions were about to be exposed. The darkness despises the light. Church leaders need to realize that if they (a) addressed these issues more swiftly, and (b) exposed them more quickly, the bullies almost always run away. They attack and attack until someone says, “That’s it! No further!” Then they run.
I’ve counted at least 4 alliances that formed to get rid of Jesus, including Pilate and Herod as well as the Herodians and Pharisees. When Party A is having trouble getting along with Party B, Party A looks for an ally and “triangles” Party C into the problem. Party C should stay out of it and insist that Party A and Party B work it out, but it’s usually Party C that causes problems in churches. Division begins when alliances form.
I’m a PK, too, but my father was run out of church ministry by a faction and he died 20 months later at the age of 38, so this conflict stuff is very personal for me.
When I said that Christian leader viewed ministry institutionally, I meant that he was 100% behind everything the denomination and district did, and if you didn’t feel the way he did, he had no time for you. I don’t find districts and denominations in the NT, and I think that participation in them is voluntary, not compulsory, but he disagreed with that viewpoint. When I didn’t attend district meetings, and when our church didn’t give a lot of money to the district, he wrote me off. I felt that the district demanded that we support them – whether or not they served their churches well – and so I chose not to participate. Loyalty is earned, not demanded.
I encourage you to read the Book of Numbers and see how God responded when complainers in Israel took on Moses and Aaron. Read Numbers 16 especially. I’ve been doing a lot of work in that chapter and hope to write something on it in the near future.
When you don’t like something, it’s good to be assertive. That means you speak up for yourself. But it’s not good to be aggressive, which means that you add anger to being assertive. But you do write very well, and the Lord can use your writing, too!
I don’t like saying this, but churches don’t handle conflict well. We value “niceness” in our churches and confuse that with love, but pastors and church leaders need to protect the flock from danger. It sounds to me like you were in a church situation where the leaders around you were hesitant about taking action when division surfaced. We have to pounce on these things quicker.
Thanks again for writing … and write anytime!
Jim
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Dear Mr. Myer,
I wanted to reply for the past few days, but I was busy at work trying to get ready to go away for the next few days. Also, the reason why I’ve left out identifiers is because the conversations can be seen by others online. I would like to respond and give you more context, but I am wondering if there is an email address that won’t be seen by Internet searchers that I can communicate through.
After I return I will reach out.
E
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Yes, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks for writing!
Jim
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It’s my understanding that not everyone who is on Facebook attaches the proper meaning to the word “friend” when connecting with others on that site-still, if I were in your shoes, Jim, I would probably feel the same as you do.
People have short memories…their own agendas,,,or just plain don’t understand how their relationships with hurtful people affect the ones who were hurt. I am dealing with this in my extended family.A certain family member won’t stand up against evil and is alienating everyone else. It’s so frustrating.
We have to draw a line in the sand sometimes.
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Thanks for your comment. Yes, some people gather “friends” on Facebook even though they don’t know the people they’re “friending.” In my situation, that wasn’t the case … a friend chose to put distance between herself and one of my staunchest “enemies” (because the hatred was on the enemy’s part, not mine) because of this person’s role in my departure. Becoming Facebook friends might be the beginning of a reconciliation process or the culmination of such a process. In any event, it’s difficult to see people becoming friends again without knowing if there’s been any repentance on the part of the “enemy,” which I assume there hasn’t been.
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