Restoring Kingdom Builders

Have you ever been accused of doing something that you didn’t do – and someone demanded that you apologize to them?

One time, the church I was pastoring held a service on a major holiday.  After the service, the musicians and vocalists and others involved in the service were milling about and congratulating each other on a job well done – all except for a man who had also participated in the service.  Out of the blue, he told me that he overheard me saying something derogatory about him right after I closed the service.  He was visibly hurt – and angry.  He implied that I better apologize to him – and quickly.

But I didn’t say anything negative about him at all.  In fact, I don’t think I had ever said anything negative about him in my entire life.

When I tried to tell this gentleman that he was somehow mistaken, he insisted that his hearing was excellent and that he had heard me loud and clear.

I had to give him credit for speaking with me directly and swiftly.  He didn’t let it fester and he didn’t spread his discontent to others.  But he was just plain mistaken.  I never said what he claimed I said.

Now what should I have done?  What would you have done?

I apologized – and have regretted it ever since.

Pastors face this problem all the time, as do believers in visible roles like staff members, ministry leaders, vocalists, and musicians.  Well-meaning individuals sometimes misinterpret what we say or do – or accuse us of doing things we never did or saying things we never said.  And when the matter finally comes to our attention, the person who is upset with us demands an apology.  Should we give it?

Many Bible teachers say, “Yes, we should.  It is important for Christians to get along with each other, so if I offend you, and it comes to my attention, then it is my responsibility to apologize to you and make things right with you.”  Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:22-24 are often cited as the text that supports this idea.  (Although I have never been convinced by some of the interpretations of this passage that I’ve heard.)

But incidents from Jesus’ own life make me wonder.

I John 2:6 says that “whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.”  Although Jesus led a sinless life, He is still our Ultimate Role Model.  Believers are to major in Christlikeness.  WWJD, right?

What do we do with the story in Matthew 15:1-14 then?

On this occasion, the Pharisees and teachers of the Jewish law confronted Jesus about the fact that His disciples didn’t wash their hands ceremonially before eating.  Jesus defended His followers by accusing the Jewish authorities of being hypocritical in the way that they applied Scripture to their lives.

Jesus’ disciples came to Him privately and informed Him, “Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?”

Now if Jesus responded to this charge the way that many preachers teach us to, then He would have said, “You know, you guys are right.  I was a little hard on those leaders, wasn’t I?  The next time I see them, I’ll tell them I was sorry and that it won’t happen again.”

What did Jesus say instead?

In Matthew 15:13-14, He said, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.  Leave them; they are blind guides.  If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into the pit.”

Did you catch that?  Instead of expressing remorse that He had offended the Jewish leaders, Jesus intensified His attack against them by calling them “blind guides.”

Now Jesus clearly offended the Jewish leaders, and if He wanted to get along with them – and set a good example for His closest followers – then He should have apologized to them, correct?  The text seems to imply that’s what they wanted from Him.

But Jesus refused to do it.  Why?  Because He didn’t do anything wrong.  And if He had apologized, it would have been a lie.

And even though Jesus was accused of doing and saying many wrong things during His three-year ministry, He never apologized for anything He said or did.

Had you and I been living during Jesus’ ministry, we probably would have been offended by some of the things He said as well.  For example, we’re told in John 6:60-66 that Jesus made some statements that offended the crowds to the point that most of them deserted Him.  His congregation dwindled significantly.

Faced with an identical set of circumstances, some pastors might have gone on television to explain themselves a little better, or taken out a full-page ad in the newspaper.  Not Jesus.  He let them all go – without apologizing.

This means there will be times when leaders offend people and they need to stand by what they said or did.  But if a leader has done something wrong, he or she does need to apologize for it.

One time, a church leader wanted to meet with me and “clear the air” over some issues.  He brought a whole list of things that I had done to offend him.  (I wish he had kept short accounts and spoken with me about each issue as it arose, however.)  I sincerely apologized for a couple of behaviors where I was wrong, and he said he forgave me – but I staunchly disagreed with some of the other issues he raised, and I did not apologize for those.

Which of the following three leaders would you rather follow?

Leader One never admits he makes any mistakes.  If he gets a date or a name wrong in a sermon, and you mention it to him, he’ll defend himself rather than admit he did anything wrong.  If he falsifies an expense report, and you happen to catch him, then God help you for confronting him.  This kind of leader blames all of his problems on other people.

Leader Two is always apologizing for everything.  She apologizes if she makes a tough decision and someone is hurt by it.  She apologizes if even one person doesn’t like what she says after leading her small group.  She even apologizes for sharing the gospel with a seeker if someone objects to being identified as a sinner.

(I once knew a woman who apologized to the congregation before she sang a solo.  She was sitting near me in the back of the church, and right before she got up to sing, she overheard someone mentioning her name and assumed it was done in a negative fashion.  When the soloist got up to sing, she told the congregation that even though she knew that some people didn’t care for her singing, she would try and do her best for the Lord!  What she never heard – but I did – was that the woman who mentioned her name was looking forward to hearing her sing!)

Leader Three apologizes to the appropriate party when he has done something wrong.  He realizes that as a leader, people will occasionally misinterpret what he says and misunderstand what he does.  When he’s wrong, he quickly admits it – often before anyone confronts him on his offense.  When he’s right, he stands his ground and tries to deal with the hurt feelings that someone might be feeling.

(This whole area of forced apologies gets trickier when a husband and wife have a big argument, so for now, this article applies only to church leaders!)

If Christians are to live in community with each other inside a local church, then we all need to admit that we make mistakes at times, ask people to forgive us for those mistakes, and then grant people forgiveness when they do mess up.  This should be an ongoing part of church life – and it should all be done from the heart.

But when certain people insist that we’ve sinned against them – and we know that we haven’t – then we need to follow Jesus’ example and stand our ground.