Restoring Kingdom Builders

How can you tell when a leader is trying to control you?

In my last post, I mentioned that control freaks:

*use guilt

*use manipulation

*are insensitive

Let me add three more characteristics:

Fourth, control freaks exude anxiety.  As I neared my 40th birthday, I realized that a lot of my thinking was affected by anxiety.  I was always concerned about what might happen.  This led me to try and plan my life so that I could minimize being hurt or harmed by others.

You might wonder, “How has that worked out for you?”

Not as well as I’d hoped.

It struck me that the more anxious I became over something, the more controlling I came off to others.

For example: most of the time when my wife and I travel, I drive.  On those rare occasions when she drives, I find myself inadvertently telling her how to drive.  (For some reason, she doesn’t like this.)  If we’re on the open road with no one around and she’s going 70, it’s all good.

But if road conditions are crowded, or I spot a Highway Patrol officer nearby, or it starts to rain, my anxiety leads me to start telling her what to do.

This happens with pastors, too.  As long as the road ahead looks good, and there aren’t any obstacles around, pastors can be charming and pleasant.  But when things at church get complex, and they’re feeling stressed out, and anxiety rises – many pastors can shift into control mode pretty easily.

And it’s not a pleasant thing to watch!

Fifth, control freaks utilize intimidation.  And this is where staff, board members, and ministry leaders want to jump ship on a pastor.

It’s always better for a pastor to draw sheep toward new pastures than to drive them.  It’s better to use persuasion than coercion.  But when the other leaders in a church become afraid of their pastor and his reactions, it’s impossible for those leaders to do their best work.

I once worked for a supervisor who scared me to death.  When he drove onto the premises, I’d freeze up inside.  I couldn’t predict his moods or his words.  He never commended me for anything but pointed out lots of things I did wrong.  Under that kind of pressure, I just wanted out.

But then a new supervisor was assigned to work with me, and he was fantastic.  He took the time to ask me questions about the job.  He demonstrated a caring attitude.  And he even pitched in and helped me at times.  I John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”

In the context of love, a pastor can correct a staff member or confront a board member.  But if a pastor uses fear as a continual weapon, he shouldn’t be suprised if people only do a minimal amount of ministry for him.

Finally, control freaks dictate methodology.  Such a person cannot assign you a job and let you do it your way.  They have to tell you how to do it as well.  They want everything done “my way.”

Let’s say that I ask you to clean a room at church.  It’s fine for me to say, “I’d like this room to look neat and clean by 4:00 pm because there’s a board meeting in here at 5:00.”  Then I can delegate that task to you.

But a control freak will say, “I want you to clean this room before the board meeting at 5.  So get the vacuum and a rag and the furniture polish and the window cleaner.  Here, let me show you how to clean the windows.  And here’s how I want the chairs.  No, not like that – like this!  And give me your cell phone.  I don’t want any distractions between now and 5.”

Control freaks want to be the source of all information.  They do not desire collaboration.  They don’t want your input on cleaning the room – they don’t care about what you think.  But they definitely want you to care what they think!

It’s difficult if not impossible to work with control freaks, either at work or in the church.  They may not realize it, but they demean and disrespect their fellow workers because they do not know how to train and delegate responsibilities.

How many pastors are control freaks?  There are as many control freaks as there are anxious pastors.

I’d guess, oh, 212,376.

Is your pastor one?

If so, pray for him.  Encourage him.  And give him more lead time when it comes to your ministry assignments.

But it’s hard for control freaks to change.  And if it all gets too much for you, you might have to prioritize preserving your health, sanity, and sanctification.

Of course, the ultimate solution for a pastor is to let Jesus Christ lead and control His own church on a daily basis.  As one of my seminary professors was fond of saying, “While Christ is the Head of the church in the body of Christ, some pastors want to be the neck.”

If you’re unsure what to do about a CFP (control freak pastor), consult with the Head.