Restoring Kingdom Builders

Have you ever wanted to tell a pastor what you really think about his ministry?

Pastors are gifts from the risen Christ to His church.  They are called by God to ministry, trained in Bible schools and seminaries, and devoted to advancing Jesus’ kingdom.  They work long and unpredictable hours, are sometimes poorly compensated, and endure nitpicky complaints.

When I first became a pastor, I didn’t appreciate the feedback some people gave me.  One Sunday, a woman shook my hand at the back door after the service and asked, “You’re not growing a beard, are you?”  I should have said, “Yes, I am, because I want to be like Jesus in every way possible.”  Instead, I replied, “Kathleen, you’re not being a Pharisee, are you?”

Over three-and-a-half decades of church ministry, I’ve learned a few things about giving and receiving feedback.  Let me share seven ways to give your pastor feedback so he can receive it:

First, speak only for yourself.  One Sunday years ago, five minutes before the service started, I went to use the men’s room, and Jim, the song leader, followed me.  As we were doing what men do, Jim told me that he and many others didn’t like the way we did communion the previous Sunday.  I asked Jim how many others didn’t like it, and he replied, “Five.”  I then asked who they were, and he refused to tell me.

In other words, Jim and four anonymous individuals didn’t like the way we did communion.

If Jim wasn’t going to tell me who they were – and I could pretty well guess anyway – then in my mind that was one complaint, not five.

It would have had far more impact on me if all five individuals had spoken with me directly.  That would have showed me they cared.  Maybe Jim originated the complaint and the others all nodded their heads.  Maybe they felt pressured to agree with him.  And maybe they all had different reasons for their views.  I needed to hear those from each individual.

Second, speak to him directly.  I once saw a comparison of the traits that are found in functional and dysfunctional families.  In functional families, people speak directly to those with whom they have an issue.  In dysfunctional families, people expect that others will speak for them.  For example, if I’m upset with my cousin Bill, I share my anger with his wife Betty in hopes that she’ll tell Bill – but I never tell Bill myself.

I have resolved that I will not carry negative messages from one person to another.  If Carla is upset with my neighbor, I refuse to pass that on to my neighbor.  Instead, I encourage Carla to tell my neighbor herself.

The same principle applies with a pastor.  Please don’t tell other people that you’re upset with him because it puts them in an awkward position.  It’s your issue, not theirs.  By complaining to others, you may be trying to gain allies in hopes that someone will pass on your feelings.  Resolve to either speak with him directly or remain silent and talk to God instead.

Third, speak to him wisely.  When I was a pastor, people gave me feedback in a variety of ways:

*A note on a response card

*An email

*A letter via snail mail

*A phone call to my church office or home (I preferred church)

*A quick conversation before or after Sunday services

*An appointment either in my church office or at a restaurant

If it was a relatively small issue, I welcomed a personal conversation or a quick email.  But if it was a serious issue, I preferred an appointment where I could look someone in the face as we talked.

I had lunch a few months ago with a longtime staff member from a megachurch.  This individual handles all the emails that people send to the senior pastor.  Evidently this is a pretty common practice in larger churches.  You’re just not going to reach the senior pastor through writing, so you have to catch him in the patio before and after services – or fight through his secretary to get an appointment.

But in small and medium-sized churches (under 500 in weekly attendance), you should expect the pastor to respond to you within a day or two.  Although many pastors ignore their emails, I made it a practice to reply to every person who wrote me – and I believe most pastors can find a way to do that.

Fourth, speak to him positively.  Most pastors are unsure how effective they are in ministry.  They can discern attendance and giving trends but they’re often uncertain how much they’re helping people.  So if your pastor does something well, tell him!

Years ago, I watched an episode of a TV show that I thought was outstanding.  I was telling my brother-in-law about it, and he asked me, “Have you told the people who produced the show about your feelings?”  I confessed that it hadn’t entered my mind – so I wrote them and thanked them for the show.

Find a way to tell your pastor that he did a great job when you really feel that way.  It won’t give him a “big head” at all.  A sincere compliment will encourage him, lift his self-esteem, reinforce the behavior you liked, and help him to remember your name!

Here’s a little secret: if you tell your pastor what you like about his ministry, he’ll listen better when you tell him about something you don’t like.  You’ll come off as objective rather than as a chronic complainer.

I’ll share a few more ways to give your pastor feedback next time.

What have been your experiences with giving a pastor feedback?