My wife and I were enjoying a fine dining experience at In-N-Out Burger the other night when I overheard a conversation at the table next to us.
An elderly gentleman … after using the terms “church” and “split” … told his assembled friends, “We are not going to get tangled up in church anymore.”
There was a time when I would have thought, “That man and his wife will not be able to grow spiritually outside the realm of a local church.” And there is undoubtedly some truth in that thinking.
But I’m hearing of more and more people who are walking away from church … not for doctrinal reasons … but because there are just too many conflicts.
One Christian friend told me that he and his wife really liked their pastor … but one day, their pastor resigned and disappeared.
So the church called a new pastor. My friend’s wife especially liked him. But after he was there a short while, a bully forced the pastor to resign.
At that point, my friend and his wife said, “We’ve had enough of this. We’re not going to invest our lives in church anymore.”
They still love and follow Jesus, but they’ve tossed in the towel on the institutional church … at least for now.
Another Christian friend told me that he had attended five churches over the past few years. And in every church, a major conflict eventually broke out – almost always involving the pastor – and my friend decided that he couldn’t take it anymore.
So he no longer attends a local church.
When I was a pastor, sometimes newcomers would tell me, “We’ve just come from a church that suffered a horrific conflict. We’re a bit shell-shocked right now, so we want to take time to heal before we volunteer to do anything.”
At the time, I didn’t completely understand.
But after being in the middle of a major conflict several years ago, now I do. Going through a conflict can make a believer more guarded … less trusting … and even paranoid.
I’m all for winning unbelievers to Christ. But while we’re seeking to bring the lost into our churches, how conscious are we that conflicts are driving the found out of our churches?
Several weeks ago, I met a Christian leader who travels the world presenting the gospel. When I mentioned to him that American churches are rife with conflict, he responded matter-of-factly, “It’s not just America. It’s a problem all over the world.”
How can we reduce and resolve conflicts in churches?
Let me offer four quick solutions:
First, pastors need to teach the biblical way to resolve conflicts at least annually.
If the pastor doesn’t do it, it won’t happen. If it’s not done annually, people will forget. As a pastor, I used to plan a brief “unity” series every November … right before our church’s annual meetings. Whenever this is done, it should be viewed as essential.
Second, pastors need to model biblical peacemaking.
Most pastors try and cultivate an image of perfection … even when it comes to relationships. But when pastors act like they’re always right … which they aren’t … they don’t model biblical confession and forgiveness. I used to admit to my children when I messed up, hoping to demonstrate humility and reconciliation for them. Pastors need to model healthy interpersonal behavior as well.
Third, church leaders need to address potential conflicts sooner rather than later.
Whenever a church suffers a pastoral termination … or a church split … the signs of discontent were usually present beforehand. Let’s learn to read the signs and resolve issues before the sun goes down (Ephesians 4:25-27) or it’s like giving the devil the keys to our church.
Finally, bullying in church must be exposed and outlawed.
There are people in every church who use intimidation to get their way. They threaten to leave the church … take others with them … withhold their giving … and throw the church into chaos unless church is done their way. Bullies use threats and make demands. Spiritual people share their concerns and abide by the decisions of their leaders … or leave quietly.
And most churchgoers are unaware of this behavior because it happens behind the scenes … and because bullies usually charm their followers in public.
This behavior in our churches must stop. We need to realize that bullying has consequences … including the damaging of people’s souls.
Many years ago, I attended a major league baseball game with a friend (who happened to be chairman of the church board).
We took the local rapid transit train toward home, when suddenly, a nasty fight broke out in one of the cars between two men … one a fan of the local team, the other a Yankee fan.
These guys were determined to hurt each other. They were hitting each other … hard. Knives and guns could have emerged next.
Know what happened?
Everybody ran into adjoining cars … as far away as they could … so they wouldn’t be injured.
When pastors and church boards fight … when staff members are disloyal to their pastor … when a faction rises up to remove the pastor … most people run.
They don’t want to be caught in the crossfire.
And they don’t want to watch people they love hurt one another.
Let’s create ways to prevent conflicts in churches so that God always wins and Satan always loses.
How can we do this better? I’d love to hear your ideas.
The intern pastor after you left, immediately did a message on unity. My first response to this was, it should have been done weeks earlier. We need to hear the message often whether about church issues or in other situations in our lives.
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Thanks for writing, Sara. Sometimes “unity” is a cover for “don’t disagree with the decisions of the leaders,” and that kind of “unity” isn’t helpful at all. Real unity says, “Since we agree on the essentials from Scripture, let’s listen to each other and respect each other, even when we disagree.” As far as the interim goes … I’m told he did little to bring healing to the church, which is sad. Hopefully there wasn’t an agenda there.
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“Sometimes ‘unity’ is a cover . . . ” I think it is more than “sometimes”. More and more in my “church” experiences I have heard more and more calls for submission and accountability to authority than I used to. It doesn’t surprise me anymore when I visit a new church and they are in the middle of some teaching series on authority, or they are displaying their authority by publically disfellowshipping somebody (with just enough details to make it sound really suspicious) or talking about how someone’s imperfections have been keeping them from being members in good standing. I remember teaching Sunday School classes and really enjoying doing an exegesis of the text and having everybody share input on how a deeper understanding of what the bible actually says has an impact on their lives. I can hardly remember anymore being in a Sunday School class where there wasn’t a “study” from an officially authorised “bible study guide” and the class didn’t consist of reading from it and congratulating each other and patting each other on the back for their denominational orthodoxy while giving sidelong glances to those whom they aren’t quite sure of yet (yeah, the visitors and new members). I was at a home bible study once that usually involved reading a letter from the pastor, but for some reason the pastor hadn’t sent out the letter. I audaciously suggested that we could just kind of study the bible but was told that wasn’t really a good idea. These folks knew who they got their marching orders from. Reminds me of the characteristics I learned about in Cultism classes. The reason there is no real unity is these cults tend to have sub-cults who are all maneuvering and intriguing to get their hands on that authority. The word “Machiavellian” comes to mind.
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Les,
I find your comments to be very interesting. I believe that unity should be based on truth, not authority or its flip-side, submission. A church should have a mission and a vision that people agree on which forms the basis for decisions. I do believe in strong pastoral leadership, but not pastoral coercion. Church members should have the right to disagree with leaders – and present their disagreements in a formal way – but then abide by the decisions of the leaders, or a church will descend into chaos. No successful church is led by a board or a congregation. Every successful church is led by a loving pastor. But pastoral authority has its limits. Most churches that have evident conflicts are really fighting about mission and vision, and yet conflict manifests itself as a power struggle. Evangelical churches have got to resolve these issues or we’ll continue to drive people away.
By the way, have your experiences been in various denominations or in the same one?
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Hi Jim,
When you say “very interesting” do you mean that in a good way or something else? 🙂 I know I can have some peculiar perspectives on “church” things, and I like to wait until people get to know me before I share them so they don’t feel the need to light the bonfire to burn me as a heretic. Lately, that sharing hasn’t happened very much.
Sometimes when I am reading your blogs I feel that the points you are making are right in line with and justify some of my personal doctrinal quirks and pet peeves. For instance, in your reply to me, you say “pastoral authority has its limits” and that rings true with me. I agree with you that the pastor of a church is the leader of that congregation. Something that bothers me, though, is when I hear the words “clergy” and “laity”. I’m not sure these are actually biblical concepts. The only time I see such a religious stratification is in the priestly system for the Temple or in ancient paganism. According to the bible the leaders in the church lead because of their abilities and willingness to serve, rather than by title and position. The pastor is the shepherd, but is a unique shepherd, as he is also one of the flock. I believe that when there is a mental and perceived spiritual boundary between clergy and laity, it tends to invite the natural (and unbiblical) feelings and behaviors of jealousy and factionalism.
Here in the South there doesn’t seem to be a lot of options, and fewer still that I have an interest in. I feel that my personal beliefs tend to be most in line with Baptist, but I also usually do not have a problem with many independent congregations. Although I have an education from a “Restoration” college, I am far from comfortable with many of the Church of Christ’s way of doing things. While I have been specifically told something along the lines of “the Southern Baptist way or the highway”, the incidents I mentioned in my post were in an independent congregation.
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Les,
No, I thought your comments were truly very interesting … sincerely. I think most of us have some different perspectives on the local church … I know that I do … but if you put them out there, you can’t predict how you’ll be received.
I think I use the terms “clergy” and “laity” just to communicate. I don’t mean it in a derogatory sense. It’s just a concept people understand.
In our culture, we give pastors a lot of authority. Is it too much? It probably is sometimes, but other times, that’s how churches grow. The Calvary Chapels tend to give their pastors a lot of authority, and many of them are doing well. If the Great Commission is the measure, I can make a general statement: the churches that have strong pastoral leadership … without much interference … tend to grow more quickly and solidly. The churches that have weak pastoral leadership … or are led by lay people … tend to stagnate or not grow at all. Is all this biblical? It’s hard to say. I tend to think that most of the NT churches were pretty small, and that when a church gets beyond 400 or 500 people, it’s harder to bring it in line with biblical structures. Just one of my peculiar beliefs.
I’ve served mostly in Baptist churches, but independent churches can be terrific as long as they’re biblically-based.
Feel free to write whatever you want, Les. I don’t mind comparing my heretical views with yours! (Just kidding.)
Jim
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Every organization needs a mission and a leader who will lovingly lead people toward that common goal.. The key-the mission is bigger than any one person or group in that organization, including the CEO, pastor, etc. Having said that, when we call a pastor to a church we are asking him to take on the responsibility of growing the church through teaching, preaching, and leading. The one who has the responsibilty should have the power. I think we need to look at how that power is used, not how much the pastor has. Is he focused on the Great Commission? Is he thinking about meeting the needs of the congregation? Is he willing to listen to reasonable people and consider making needed changes? The pastor truly is one of the flock-does he surround himself with sound counsel? It’s a shame when power is abused. It is a blessing when it is used for good. This applies no matter the denomination.
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Thank you for your thoughts, Ce Ce. The key phrase in what you wrote is “lovingly lead.” People will follow a leader if they know that the leader loves them. Based on what you wrote, you should be a church staff member!
Jim
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