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Archive for the ‘Church Conflict’ Category

It’s Never Too Late to Forgive

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination on January 30, 2012| 2 Comments »

Today’s guest blogger is Chuck Austin.  He has been a pastor for many years and is currently serving as a transitional pastor at a church in San Jose, California.  We were talking on the telephone recently and he told me this unusual story that he witnessed.  I thought you’d enjoy reading it!

I arrived at one church where I served immediately following the dismissal of a pastor.  His dismissal had not been handled correctly and resulted in a great many people becoming unhappy, angry, and quite sad.  Many of the people had become disillusioned with their leadership and some called for all of them to step down.

As I listened and heard both sides of the event, I became convinced that the leadership of the church needed to do something proactive.  I even spoke with one of the men to specifically ask him to consider giving an apology to the church.  I left him alone to pray and to let me know when he reached a decision.  I knew that these men needed to go and visit the pastor who had been dismissed (which they all did over a period of time).

One Sunday, as we were getting ready to celebrate communion, the one I had spoken with came to me and told me that he needed to say something to the congregation – and he told me what it was.  He was quite nervous because he didn’t have any idea of the reaction he would receive.  Needless to say, I was excited about preaching God’s Word that Sunday, but I was also excited about this man taking this courageous step.

He spoke in a quiet voice that Sunday and I already knew that a lot of his biggest critics were sitting in the congregation on that particular day.  Following his statements to the congregation, we celebrated communion followed by a closing song and prayer.

Because the man who made this confession was involved in serving communion, he remained at the front of the auditorium following the service.  Immediately, a line of people lined up to hug this man.  Almost every one of them had taken the time to tell me what they thought of him since my arrival.  Now I watched as they waited patiently to talk to him.

There was no mistaking what was on their hearts: forgiveness.  You could see it in their faces, in their embraces, and in their words.  The mistake had been made and acknowledged and the congregation was there to show its support and love for the integrity the man showed.

Standing on the Word of God and doing what it says should never cause fear in any of us because when we attempt what the Lord has told us to do, He’s there to empower us.

On that particular Sunday, it made me proud to be a pastor, but even more proud to see someone take God’s Word and do the biblical mandate … and demonstrate that it’s never too late to ask for forgiveness.

And it’s never too late for a congregation to respond by forgiving as they themselves have been forgiven by God!

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Conflicted About Church Music Personnel

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Please Comment!, tagged , , on January 25, 2012| 1 Comment »

Pretend you’re the pastor of a new church plant.

You have the funds to hire one part-time staff member.

Who would you hire first?

Some might say, “An office manager.”

But right now, the church office is in your home.  I’d hire her second.

Others might say, “A youth pastor.”

But you don’t yet have any youth, and besides, I’d hire the youth person fifth.

How about a children’s director?

I’d hire him or her (probably her) third.

My first choice?

A worship/music director.

Why?  Because people in our day expect good music on a Sunday.  If the music makes people cringe – even if the message is a home run – many people won’t come back, and they’ll encourage their friends not to attend.

But if the music is great, you’ll start attracting people more rapidly.  Great Music + Great Message = Growing Church

If the Sunday service is all you’ve got when you start, make it as good as possible.

But part-time worship directors are not easy to find.

As a pastor, you want a strong believer in that role, someone who professes what they perform.

That rules out the leader of the neighborhood garage band.

You also want someone who is musically competent, who plays and sings skillfully.

That rules out many church volunteers … and most of them will run when there’s a conflict.

You want someone who can recruit musicians and vocalists, or else it’s going to be a one-man/woman show each week.

Because the more gifted the leader, the higher quality people he/she can attract.

You want someone who gets along with people, because musicians and vocalists tend to be perfectionists.

So you can’t hire a Simon Cowell clone for the job.

And you want someone who performs in the style of your target …

which eliminates Dino and George Beverly Shea (much as I appreciate GBS; Dino is another matter).

And you especially want someone who gets along with you as pastor.

Because if the two of you constantly disagree, guess who’s leaving?

But because you’ve hired a part-timer … they may already have a full-time job, and there’s always the danger their job will intrude on the music ministry or they’ll have to move away.

So let’s say that you as pastor have hired this person, and he begins to recruit others onto the team.

What about the spiritual lives of prospective musicians and vocalists?

Can any be unbelievers?  What about someone guilty of immorality?  What if a gifted guitar player isn’t a team player?  What if someone on the team knows about another person’s sordid past?

Your new worship director may be competent musically, but how strong are their leadership skills?

Because if they can’t handle some of the above situations, they’ll revert to you as pastor … and the sparks will start to fly.

The key to everything is the relationship between the pastor and the worship director.

They must get along both personally and professionally.

They must agree on the kinds of people who can sing and play on the team.

They must agree on the predominant style of music for weekend services.

They must clarify these decisions by putting them in writing.

They must learn to trust and support each other in public, even if they’re negotiating in private.

The music director has to handle these kinds of complaints from team members:

“Why does he get to play a guitar solo on his second Sunday when I’ve been in the band for two years?”

“How can you let her sing onstage when she’s obviously a prima donna?”

“How come I can’t sing on the worship team?  My parents say I have a great voice.”

“Why is he allowed to play on Sunday when he missed rehearsal?  I was there!”

Then there are complaints from people in the congregation:

“The music was way too loud last Sunday.  Can’t you turn it down?”

“I tried but couldn’t make out the words to the performance song, so I thought it was a waste of time.”

“Can we sing more hymns?  The worship songs sound all the same.”

“The dress on the young woman who sang last Sunday was inappropriate for church.  You need to talk to her!”

When I was a pastor, I had people tell me at times, “I wouldn’t want your job for anything.”

That’s how I feel about the job of a worship director.  No wonder some people call music the War Department of the Church.

Everybody wants to look good and sound good, but they may not want to be good and do good.

For that reason, let me make three suggestions:

First, pray for your worship/music director(s) by name on a regular basis.

Second, thank them for their ministry when it really rings the bell for you.  (I emailed a worship director from our church last year to thank the band for doing a U2 song, and he wrote back to thank me.  I meant to do it two Sundays ago when the band performed Did You Hear the Mountains Tremble by Delirious?, but forgot.)

Finally, insist that those who criticize the worship director either (a) go to him directly, (b) stop griping, or (c) go somewhere else.

Being responsible for leading worship is a challenging task and not for the faint of heart.

So let’s cherish those who do a great job … and keep working through the inevitable conflicts.

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Conflicted About Church Music Styles

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues on January 23, 2012| 8 Comments »

Which single issue has the greatest potential for conflict in a church?

The amount of a pastor’s salary?

The color of the ladies’ bathroom?

The temperature in the worship center?

How about the style of music played on Sundays?

I don’t know if that’s the big issue now, but it sure used to be.

In one church I served in the late 1970s, the youth planned to put on a musical by John Fischer called The New Covenant.  Based on 2 Corinthians 3, the musical was contemporary but hardly edgy.

One Saturday afternoon, after the youth practiced for the musical, a couple of men walked into the worship center and found a student playing drums.  The men immediately ordered the youth to leave the worship center.  They weren’t going to have drums in their church!

Wow, we’ve really come a long way since then, haven’t we?

Let me share three thoughts about resolving conflict involving church music styles:

First, choose a target group before settling on a music style.  If a congregation is filled with octogenerians who are sensitive to loud sounds, rock isn’t going to work.  But if a church is primarily composed of young families, rock may be the only style that works.

A music style is a language.  Styles are not inherently right or wrong.  While rock was once considered to be rebellious, everyone under 65 has grown up with it as the language of their generation.

When I attended Biola College (now University), someone in student leadership invited The Resurrection Band to play in chapel.  (Their motto was, “Music to wake the dead.”)  The band played uncompromisingly fast and hard.  While it wasn’t my style of music, some students walked out during their performance.  (I can still see the red face of a school administrator during the band’s set.)

There wasn’t anything wrong with Rez Band.  Their style worked great in certain venues.  But did it work that day in chapel?  Rather than foist that style on everyone, it might have been better for the planners to ask, “What kind of music do most of our students listen to?  Knowing that, who should we invite for chapel?”

Rather than start with a band or a style, it’s better to start with the target group and work backwards.

Second, determine a style and stick with it.  Every weekend at my church, I know which musical style to expect.

Rock.

Not classical.  Not jazz.  Not gospel.  Not hip hop.  Not show tunes.  Not folk.

Rock.

I don’t know when Pastor Don and his music leaders made that decision.  It may have been twenty years ago.  I’m sure when they made it, some people left the church.  When Saddleback Church changed their music years ago, Rick Warren said they lost hundreds but gained thousands.

If a church’s leaders don’t settle on one style, then people will lobby for the style they want behind the scenes.  And if that happens, conflict will break out, and it may not be controllable.

The style chosen should not be the pastor’s preference, or that of the worship leader, or the board, or the biggest donors, or the loudest complainers.

Instead, a style should be chosen that best speaks the language of the target group.

That’s not music – that’s missions.

Finally, make provision for those that prefer another style.  The builder generation grew up on gospel songs and hymns sung to piano and organ accompaniment.  When rock came along, it slowly wiped out gospel songs and most hymns.

When this happened, attendees had five choices:

*sit at home on Sundays and stew.

*watch Charles Stanley, Robert Schuller, or the Crouches on TV on Sundays.

*find a church where you liked the music style.

*threaten to stop attending and giving while recalling the board and firing the pastor.

*try and adapt to the style as much as possible.

I don’t like the “take it or leave it” approach.  There is something inherently selfish about it.  If you’ve been attending a church for years, and you love the church and its mission and its people, but you can’t stomach the new music, should you be forced to leave?

I don’t think so.

Imagine that you love rock, but that this Sunday, the worship music is done in a hip hop style.  It’s done that way the next Sunday … and the next … and the next …

You’d probably ask, “Hey, aren’t we switching back to rock on Sundays?”  If the answer was, “No, we’re a hip hop church now,” what would you do?

That’s how many churchgoers felt when hymns were exchanged for rock.

That’s why I’m a big advocate of the multi-venue approach on Sundays.  Everyone hears the same sermon – live or via a DVD – but people can choose the music they prefer from several different styles.

At the very least, a church can offer one or two contemporary services along with a more traditional one.

When people have:

*attended a church faithfully for years

*served the Lord with their gifts

*donated thousands of dollars, and

*prayed consistently for its leaders …

how can church leaders force those people to leave because they don’t like a church’s new musical direction?

Let me suggest a truce:

Church leaders can freely choose the musical style they believe will best reach their target group without interference,

and in exchange,

church leaders make provision for those who don’t like the new music to enjoy their old music in another venue.

Your thoughts?

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Conflicted About Church Music

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, tagged , on January 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

I am crazy about music.

In fact, as I’m writing, I’m listening to the aching beauty of Phil Keaggy’s guitar on iTunes.

But I can remember a time in the late 1970s when many Christians would go ballistic if they heard drums or a guitar in a worship service.  In fact, the 1980s featured the infamous “worship wars” in thousands of churches.

In some ways, the worship wars have subsided.  Boomers and their music are dominant in most churches today.  It’s rare to hear exclusive piano-organ instrumentation in services anymore.

But that doesn’t mean that music ministries are conflict-free today.  Far from it.

In fact, I believe there are qualities inherent in music ministry that readily lend themselves to conflict.

Let me share some of them with you:

First, people involved in music ministry want to sing and play perfectly.

I once had a discussion about music with Craig Bidondo, our music director in Santa Clara for three years.  Craig told me that he loved to play jazz on his keyboard because he was free to improvise, but if he played a classical piece, he had to get it note-perfect.

This is why vocalists and musicians rehearse for hours.  They want to present God their best when His people gather together.

But what happens if a backup singer is off-key, or the bass player keeps missing notes, or the sound guy doesn’t get the mix right?

That one person can affect everyone else on the team – and greatly upset the other musicians and singers.

But if they express their concerns, the offender may lash out or feel hurt.

Those of us who aren’t musical performers need to understand the stresses that singers and instrumentalists feel when they’re onstage.  We need to pray for them by name that God will use them to honor Him and touch people’s spirits – and that they will all support each other.

Second, those involved in music ministry want to look good onstage.  Microphones pick up every note played and sung to the congregation.  Lights reveal the various shapes and wardrobes and hairstyles of musicians and singers.

It’s natural for those onstage to want to look and sound their best – and this can make them feel self-conscious.

Those of us in the congregation do notice how people look and sound onstage, especially in churches where everyone up-front appears larger than life on giant video screens.

This magnficiation of people’s appearances and voices can make vocalists and musicians extremely sensitive.

25 years ago, I visited the Oakland Coliseum on a Friday morning to watch a Fantasy Baseball Game involving former members of the A’s.  There were maybe 100 of us in the stands.  At one point, I looked at the scoreboard and saw my face up there – and I was horrified.  If I had known I looked like that … I would have hidden my face between pitches … and I had no appreciable talent.

Christian musicians and singers can feel that way sometimes as well.  Just understand – and encourage them.

Third, the pastor and the music/worship director sometimes aren’t in sync.  This one is huge.

I was on the staff of an Orange County church where the music director was a woman.  She was a gifted accompaniest and vocalist – and I liked her personally – but boy, was she opinionated!  She liked a certain music style and was going to do things her way, and if you didn’t like it – tough.

She rubbed many in the congregation the wrong way.  They in turn constantly complained about her weight and aggressiveness and stylistic preferences.

When the pastor backed her up, she was fine.  But if he caved on her, she was toast.

She didn’t last very long.

My pastor is fond of saying that he doesn’t have to adjust to his staff – his staff have to adjust to him.

I’m in complete agreement with that sentiment.

I believe that the lead pastor and the worship director need to settle on a host of issues, including:

*the predominant style on Sundays

*the number of praise/worship songs

*the number of vocalists/musicians onstage

*the pre-service/post-service music

*a host of other issues

And just in case matters aren’t clear, they should put their decisions in writing.

While the pastor is ultimately responsible for the worship services, the music director is directly responsible for the music.

My preference was for the music director to suggest praise/worship/performance music.  I valued that input.  And if I had a song I wanted done, I would tell him.

I also had the right to veto songs I didn’t think fit, especially sappy songs that men couldn’t sing in church.

The pastor and the music director need to communicate constantly.  The worship director has the right to share his opinions, but he ultimately needs to abide by the wishes of the lead pastor.

And it’s the job of the music director to communicate and gently enforce the pastor’s directives for music to his team.

When the worship director can no longer do so, he needs to make plans to leave rather than use his musicians and vocalists to push back against the pastor.

J. Vernon McGee was fond of saying that when Satan fell from heaven, he fell in the middle of the choir loft.

While there are fewer choirs in our churches today, Satan still knows how to stir up trouble involving music.

But when everyone is working together, the music ministry can lead people into God’s presence and prepare hearts for the preaching of God’s Word.

Any thoughts on what I’ve written?

I’ll share more about music in my next article.

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Conflict Lessons from War Horse

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles on January 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

There’s an inspiring scene in Steven Spielberg’s new film War Horse that sheds light on the conflicts in our lives.

Joey, the war horse, is trapped in barbed wire in No Man’s Land during World War 1.  An English soldier spots him through the mist and boldly leaves his trench to free him.  Holding up a white flag to declare a temporary ceasefire – with his buddies in the trench calling for his return – the soldier reaches Joey but cannot free him alone.

A German soldier emerges from his fortifications to help Joey as well, and he knows how to remove the barbed wire from Joey’s body.  The German secures wire cutters and both men proceed to liberate this extraordinary horse – while keeping a wary eye on the other.

While the enemies work together to free Joey, they illustrate four lessons we can learn about conflict:

First, view combatants as humans.  After working on Joey, both men share their names with each other.  They aren’t faceless persons stuffied into combat fatigues, but real people with hopes and histories.

When fortified inside their own trenches, soldiers on both sides demonized their opponents as threats to be eradicated.  But when they began to work together, they grasped that their enemies weren’t evil spirits, but normal people like themselves.

Second, move toward each other.  As long as both men remained in their trenches, Joey’s life was in danger.  But when the two soldiers took the risk of standing next to each other, they were able to do together what they couldn’t do alone.

When we’re having a conflict with a spouse or a boss or a pastor, it’s human nature to stay hidden in our own trench so we feel safe.  But when we emerge from our safety and stand near our opponent, we open up the possibility for healing.

Third, speak with your combatant.  While working on Joey, the two men discussed the impact the war was having on them.  They knew that after the ceasefire, they’d start lobbing bombs at each other again.  I sensed that if not for the war, these men would have freed Joey and then shared a meal together.  But at least they talked with each other directly.

If Christians just followed Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15, most conflicts between Christians – and inside churches – would instantly die: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”

When in conflict with others, our natural tendency is to move away from them and to tell others about them.  But Jesus says to move toward them and speak to them directly instead.

Finally, people desire peace, not conflict.  During Spielberg’s combat scenes, the soldiers battle their feelings and try to slaughter their opponents, but nobody enjoys war except masochists.  It’s normal to get to know another person.  It’s abnormal to try and kill them.

I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  When the two soldiers had liberated Joey, they both claimed him as their own, and could have started their own conflict – but they flipped a coin for him instead.

This scene in this film was so moving that I plan to show it when I teach on conflict.

If you haven’t seen War Horse yet, it’s a film of grandeur and sensitivity.  But be forewarned – there are some real tear-jerking moments.

But I will always remember it because of two soldiers from opposing armies who united together to free a horse.

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How Pastors Handle Confrontation

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged on January 6, 2012| 6 Comments »

“Pastor, I’d like to set up an appointment with you soon.  When are you available?”

Whenever someone asked me that, my first reaction was to wonder if I had done something wrong.

I’d plumb the catacombs of my memory trying to figure out what I had done.  Was it something I said in a message?  Were they coming to complain about the music?  Or did their visit concern a problem with a spouse or another churchgoer?

I almost always got it wrong.

Like most people, pastors do not enjoy being confronted about anything – so pastors respond to confrontation in various ways. But as I mentioned in the previous article, it is biblical to confront a pastor about wrongdoing, although you may question if you’re the best one to do it.

If you do confront a pastor about a personal sin, let me share with you six possible reactions you might encounter, from the least to the most likely:

First, some pastors will question your right to confront them at all.  They will tell you they work for the Lord, not for anyone else, and that He alone corrects them.

In that case I’d be tempted to say, “If the Lord is the One who corrects you, maybe He hasn’t been paying attention recently,” but that’s probably unwise.

The pastor might even pull out that famous Old Testament phrase, “Touch not the Lord’s anointed.”

But realize that this phrase refers in context to David’s refusal to kill King Saul when he had the chance (1 Samuel 24:6,10).  Gently tell your pastor that you do not intend to end his life but to prolong his ministry by discussing a concern with him.

My guess is that there are few pastors around today who will respond this way.  Pastors may not admit it, but they do listen to their wives, kids, key donors, and close friends, so they don’t just listen to the Lord.

Second, some pastors will criticize you to others.  If you confront them, they will tell the staff, the board, their colleagues, and their family that you dared to take them on.  I even know of a pastor who would bring up people’s criticisms of him in the pulpit and then slam them (though not by name) in front of the congregation.

That’s one way to keep people from approaching you with their concerns.

This is the response many Christians fear most if they confront a pastor over an issue.  While it’s legitimate for a pastor to ask those closest to him if someone’s criticism might be valid, it’s unethical and unprofessional for him to take that concern into the pulpit.

Third, some pastors will listen to your concerns but disagree with your assessment.

If you express concern about the church’s direction, they’ll say you’re the first person who has ever disagreed with it.

If you tell them their humor borders on the tasteless, they’ll tell you that others seem to appreciate it.

If you criticize their preaching, they will tell you they don’t see it your way.

Many pastors are masters at making you feel like there is something wrong with you for having and sharing a different viewpoint.  If you receive this response, stand your ground but leave the ball in his court.

No matter who it is, you must earn the right to confront somene about an issue.

I once went to lunch with a man on the fringe of the church (and society) who decided to tell me what was wrong with my preaching.  In my view, he hadn’t earned the right to tell me how to teach God’s Word, so I told him, “If you don’t like my preaching, go somewhere else.”  He was the wrong messenger.

It’s not that I can’t learn from others.  I can.  (A board member once scolded me for putting down his beloved Dodgers during my sermons.  I stopped.)

Fourth, some pastors will confess, “You may be right.”  I learned that phrase from Marshall Shelley’s classic book on church conflict, Well-Intentioned Dragons.  This phrase lets people know they’ve been heard without committing the pastor to change.

“Pastor, the music is too loud in our worship services.”

“You may be right.”

“Pastor, I don’t think this church is ready for 55-minute messages.”

“You may be right.”

However, you can’t expect the pastor to use that phrase in a robotic fashion:

“Pastor, you should disband the board and run the church yourself.”

“You may be right.”

“Pastor, you should fire the associate pastor because he’s incompetent.”

“You may be right.”

The good thing about this phrase is that it shows your pastor has heard you – and isn’t that one of the goals in Matthew 18:15?  Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

Fifth, some pastors will thank you for speaking with them.

This has been my response whenever people have confronted me about an issue.  Whether I agreed with them or not, I would tell them, “Thanks for bringing your concern directly to me.”

It takes courage to talk to a pastor, especially when he’s revered or has enjoyed a long tenure.  So whenever anybody came to me, I’d reinforce their adherence to Matthew 18:15 by acknowledging how difficult it must have been for them to approach me – and how much they must care about me for taking the risk.

I believe the great majority of pastors today will thank for you speaking with them as long as you approach them wisely.  (See previous article.)

Finally, some pastors will hear you out and make appropriate changes.  Pastors can be a very proud species.  You’re more liable to receive a defensive response to a confrontation than hear the phrase, “I totally agree with you.  I’ll make immediate plans to implement the changes you’ve suggested!”

So the likelihood is that if a pastor agrees with the substance of your concern, he may wait a while before making changes … so it looks like it was his idea.  But who cares as long as changes are made?

And he may have you to thank!

What are your thoughts about pastors and confrontation?

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Confronting Your Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles, tagged , , on January 4, 2012| 3 Comments »

*True or false: pastors are infallible.

That’s false.  I grew up in a pastor’s home, married a pastor’s daughter, and became a pastor myself, so I know better than most that pastors are sinners saved by God’s grace, just like every other believer.

*True or false: pastors need other believers to help them grow.

That’s true.  No matter how close a pastor is to God, he is still an imperfect being, and will be until he becomes like Jesus in the next life.  Pastors need mentors and friends and family just like anybody else.

*True or false: pastors sometimes need to be confronted about an issue in their life.

That’s true.  We all have our blind spots, pastors included.  Pastors can be lazy, or bitter, or insensitive, or arrogant – just like non-clergy.  If someone who loves a pastor confronts him about a possible sin, and that pastor changes, then he will grow more quickly to become like Christ.

*True or false: a pastor’s wife is the only person qualified to confront him.

That’s false.  While she may be in the best position to do so – living with him all week long – she may become so accustomed to his faults that she’s learned to overlook them.  Because my own wife has been so positive toward me and my ministry over the years, when she has taken the risk of confronting me, I know she’s usually right.

However, a pastor has interactions with many people when his spouse isn’t around, such as staff members, board members, counselees, ministry leaders, and people in the community.  A pastor’s wife can’t possibly witness all of his relationships.

*True or false: God may choose to use you to confront your pastor about an issue.

That’s true.  He may use you.

Imagine that some men from your church invite you to play basketball, and your pastor comes along.  You’re excited because you’ll have a chance to see who he really is away from the church.

But it doesn’t take long to discover that your pastor is extremely competitive.  He travels with the ball but won’t admit it, fouls other players without owning up to it, and throws in a few profane words at inopportune times.  And besides, every time his team scores, he engages in trash talk.

You’re hurt, disappointed, and even a bit angry.  What, if anything, should you do about it?

Your options:

You can let it go and treat his behavior as an anomaly.

You can ask other players what they thought about the pastor’s behavior.

You can go home and pray for your pastor.

You can write a letter to the church board and tell them how he misbehaved.

You can throw the ball at the pastor, or give him an elbow on the next rebound, or …

You can talk to the pastor yourself.

I recently saw the film We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon.  (Great film, by the way.)  In the film, Damon’s character has a talk with his son and refers to the importance of “twenty seconds of insane courage.”

In other words, if you have something important to say to someone, but you’re afraid, you only need “twenty seconds of insane courage” to say it.

Why should you be the one to say something?

Because you witnessed his behavior … which is why you can’t pass this assignment off on someone who didn’t experience it.

Some tips:

*Talk to him directly.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you [and your pastor is your brother, too], go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

Instead of pronouncing judgment upon him (“May God strike you dead for using foul language!”), ask him a question, like:

“Why do you use those words out here but not in the pulpit?”

“Why can’t you admit that you’re guilty of fouls like the rest of us?”

Even if the pastor is in a competitive zone and brushes you off initially, if he’s truly a man of God, he’ll eventually grapple with your questions.

I have a theory: in the majority of cases where a pastor is involuntarily terminated, those who are angry with him (staff members, the church board, others in the congregation) have never shared their concerns with him directly.  They tell everybody except the pastor … a clear violation of Jesus’ words.

*Talk to him privately.  Nobody likes to lose face by being reprimanded in public, including pastors.  Jesus says to “go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

If you’ve trained yourself to confront other believers, then you could wait until after the game and ask the pastor if you could speak with him for a moment.  During those “twenty seconds of courage,” let him know that you love him but that his behavior stepped over a line.  Next:

*Talk to him lovingly.  Jesus says, “If he listens to you …”

Let me be honest here.  Many pastors are not good listeners.  They love to hear themselves talk but aren’t quite as generous when others are speaking.  You need to use a tone that compels your pastor to hear you.  I’d opt for a gentle tone (not a judgmental one) as mentioned in Galatians 6:1.  Finally:

*Talk to him redemptively.  What’s the aim of any confrontation?  Jesus encourages us to win our brother over.

We’re not trying to harm our pastor, but restore him.  He’s temporarily become fragmented.  We’re trying to help him become whole again.

Let me end today’s article with a quote from Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker:

“Your responsibility to go to someone who is caught in sin does not vanish just because that person is in a position of authority over you (e.g., an employer or a church elder).  Since these people are as human as you are, they will also sin and need correction (see 1 Tim. 5:19-20).  Of course, you may need to exercise special care in choosing your words when you talk with such a person.  Speak in a respectful manner, and do all you can to affirm your regard for that person’s authority.  In doing so, you may not only encourage needed changes, but also increase that person’s respect for you.”

Next time, I’ll discuss various ways that pastors respond when someone confronts them.

Have you ever confronted your pastor about an issue?  If so, how did it turn out?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Confronting People Wisely

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged on December 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Years ago, a friend asked me to breakfast.  I had no idea what his agenda was.

Since we served together at church, I assumed we’d be discussing the ministry.

But he wanted to discuss something else: the way I’d been acting recently.

My friend told me that my attitude was alienating other church leaders.  Up to that point, I was unaware there was a problem.

He let me know lovingly but firmly that my attitude needed to change … and he gave me a letter reiterating his points, just in case I didn’t hear him accurately.  (I still have the letter.)

I have always been grateful for my friend’s actions because he confronted me in the precise way that Scripture commands.

Let’s assume that someone in your circle of influence has been displaying harmful attitudes or practicing destructive activity – and it’s negatively affecting your relationship with him or her.

My favorite verse to use during such times is Galatians 6:1-2: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

How can you confront your friend wisely?  Let me quickly suggest five ways:

First, prepare your heart spiritually.  Galatians 6:1 says that only “you who are spiritual” should be involved in confronting others of sin.  Those who are reluctant to be involved are the most qualified, while those who are eager to confront others should leave the job to someone else.

Before you take any further steps, pray for the person, their situation, and your role in any confrontation.  Ask the Holy Spirit to let you know if you’re the right person to speak with your friend – and it will require divine courage.

Second, ask to meet with them in person.  Do your best not to confront someone via email or texting or the telephone if it’s a personal matter.  (Work-related issues may occasionally require using those means, though they’re not optimal.)

Instead, set up an appointment … but avoid telling them why you want to meet with them.  If you do, your friend may insist you reveal your agenda immediately – or they may choose not to meet with you at all.

Some people prefer a public place, like a restaurant, because it minimizes the chance that one party will make a scene.  On the other hand, if you need strict confidentiality, you may want to choose a more private location.

Third, express your love for the person … lovingly.  Let them know that you value them as a friend, that you’ve had some great times together, and that you hope your friendship will continue for years.  Help your friend feel safe and secure in your presence.  Author and professor David Augsburger calls this care-fronting.

Most of us only make lasting changes in life in the context of unconditional love.

When you meet your friend, they’ll see the concern on your face, which can’t be done through email or phone conversations.

Fourth, share your concerns gently and humbly.  Referring back to Galatians 6:1 above, sharing gently means you don’t scream, or use sarcasm, or convey a preachy tone.  Instead, you speak softly and slowly, even in measured tones.  In tennis terms, lob the ball over the net so they can easily hit it back.

And when you share humbly, realize that (a) you may have been guilty of the same sin in the past, (b) you are currently guilty of sins that your friend has never mentioned to you, and (c) you may be guilty of the identical sin you’re discussing with your friend in the future.

It’s possible that someday, you and your friend will reverse roles … so ban all self-righteousness from your life!

Finally, specify the behavior that concerns you, finishing with a question.  Examples:

“I love you, brother, but I’ve seen you inappropriately touching some women recently.  Am I seeing things accurately?”

“I’ve heard you criticize our pastor behind his back recently.  Are you aware of this?”

“You’ve missed four church services in a row.  Is life going okay for you?”

“I read something on your Facebook page recently that alarmed me.  May I tell you what it is?”

When you ask a question, you’re inviting a dialogue.  You’re not a prosecuting attorney, but a friend.  If your friend doesn’t agree with what you’re saying, you may have to share some examples of their misbehavior.

However, since you may be wrong either in your observations or your conclusion, stay humble!

In my second youth pastorate, my pastor confronted me about a financial issue.  He warned me, “Never borrow money from a church.”  I asked him what he was referring to, and he told me that he heard that the governing board had given me $107 to fix my car.  (I had been driving the youth kids all over creation – without a mileage allowance – so the board chose to pay my expenses without informing the pastor.)

I assured the pastor that the $107 was a gift, not a loan.  If I had to do it again, I’d thank him for his concern but encourage him to check out the story with a board member.

The aim of a confrontation is never shame, or guilt, but always restoration.  Jesus talks about “winning” your brother in Matthew 18:15-16.  You’ve noticed that your friend has become stuck in life, and in the words of Galatians 6:2, you want to help carry his or her burdens.

Will a confrontation like this work?  I once read where Charles Swindoll said it works about half the time.  Confronting someone is admittedly risky because you can end a relationship forever.

But on the other hand, confronting someone can also strengthen your bond with them.

How did things turn out when my friend confronted me many years ago?

We became even better friends … lifelong friends … and we enjoyed a three-hour lunch yesterday!

What additional ideas do you have for confronting people?

_____

Happy 2012 to all of my readers!  I’m nine views short of 11,000, so thank you for reading.  I never dreamed I’d have that many.  Some blogs receive thousands of views every day, and that would be nice … but I’m content with anyone who is helped by my articles.

If you want to suggest a topic, you can email me at jim@restoringkingdombuilders.org

Meet you here next year!

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Forgiving Offenders … Jesus’ Way

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Please Comment! on December 28, 2011| 3 Comments »

His words still reverberate in my ears.

25 years ago, I served as pastor of a small church in Silicon Valley.

People attend small churches for various reasons.  Near the top of the list is significance.

Many churchgoers want to have a say in decision-making, so leaders schedule lots of “business meetings.”

We had such a meeting one Sunday night after the evening service.

A woman made a statement in the meeting.  While I cannot recall her precise wording, she mentioned something positive about her Bible teacher, who was also a board member.

The board member interpreted her comment in a negative manner.  He quickly yelled out a response in front of the entire church, mentioning her indirectly.

The meeting was spinning out of control – and the moderator stood there in silence.

A few days after the meeting, I contacted the shouting board member and told him that he needed to apologize to the entire congregation for his behavior.

(If you sin in the presence of one person, you need to apologize to that one person.  Sin in front of a group, apologize to that group.  Sin in front of the congregation, apologize to the congregation.)

It took courage for me to speak with him.

He was twice my age.

He had been a pastor and a missionary in the past.

He was an intimidating individual.

He had vented his wrath on me at times, too.

But he had crossed a line, and he needed to acknowledge his mistake in front of his church family.

Sometimes we had guests on Sunday mornings, so that wasn’t the optimal time for his apology.

I invited him instead to make his apology during our next Sunday evening service when only our church family was present.

It was a so-so apology – maybe good for him, although not as sincere as I would have liked.

If the board member hadn’t apologized, I would have asked him to step down from the board.  Yes, leaders mess up, just like everyone else, but when we do, we need to make things right by admiting our sins and requesting forgiveness – especially when we sin in a public setting.

In this case, we forgave him, and that was that.

If this incident happened in your church, how would it have been handled?

Some Christians prefer to deny that anything happened.

Others excuse such misbehavior.

A few believers choose to avoid the sinner in the future.

Some decide to ostracize the offender instead.

And some believers quickly forgive the person without waiting for any type of confession on the offender’s part.

The church as a whole tends to ignore Jesus’ instructions in Luke 17:3-4:

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Notice the sequence: Your brother sins.  You rebuke him.  He repents.  You forgive him.

But we tend to ignore the rebuking and the repenting steps.  It’s too much work … and, truth be told, we often lack the courage to rebuke anyone … even our kids or friends.

So when our brother sins, we take a shortcut.  We instantly forgive him … but we really choose to overlook his sin instead.

That doesn’t help him at all.  He’s more susceptible to repeating his behavior.

And some people will choose to tiptoe around the offender from then on.

In the process, we teach our church that when you sin, nothing happens.

I seek to practice these words of Jesus in my own life and ministry.

They deal with sin realistically.

They heal relationships.

They provide true reconciliation.

This week, when a Christian brother or sister sins, gently rebuke him or her so they will repent.  In essence, Jesus says, “No repentance, no forgiveness.”  (Re-read the second half of verse 4 above.)

And when they repent, let them know you forgive them.

That’s Jesus’ way.

If Christians obeyed Luke 17:3-4, we’d have far less conflict and broken relationships in our churches.

And that’s the biblical way of dealing with sinning Christians.

So why don’t we do it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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How to Leave a Church

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Healing After Leaving a Church, Ten Most Viewed Articles on December 14, 2011| 10 Comments »

It’s tough to say goodbye, isn’t it?

It’s tough saying goodbye to your family after Christmas, or to a friend you may never see again, or to someone who is ready to meet Jesus.

And it’s especially tough saying goodbye to a church family.

In fact, two years ago yesterday, my wife and I said goodbye to a church family we served for 10 1/2 years.  We tried our best to leave in a Christ-honoring way.

Years ago, I learned this adage: “The way you leave is the way you’ll be remembered.”

The following article is written primarily for lay people (rather than pastors and paid staff) who are thinking about leaving their church.

(If you want to think through whether or not you should leave, check out this article: https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2011/05/09/when-to-leave-your-church/)

Assuming the Lord is leading you to leave, how can you honor Him in the way you do it?

Let me suggest five ways:

First, articulate why you’re leaving.  Put it in clear language.  Examples:

“I cannot support the change in direction from missional to institutional.”

“I can no longer use my spiritual gifts in this church.”

“We need a church closer to home.”

“I need to be in a church that takes community outreach seriously.”

“I simply do not like the pastor.”

Be honest with yourself at this point.  While it’s possible that you’re leaving because of a single issue, the likelihood is that you’re withdrawing because of multiple issues.  Write them all down.

Second, compose a note to the pastor and church leaders.

When they leave a church, most people slip into the night and say virtually nothing to their church’s leaders.

As a pastor, I’d sometimes wonder, “Where has So-and-So gone?  I haven’t seen them around the church for weeks.”  In a smaller church, I’d contact those people myself.  In a larger setting, I’d ask a staff member to do it.

But invariably, the ensuing conversation would be awkward for both parties.  Those missing weren’t honest either with me or the staff member.  We’d hear, “I’m just taking a break” – but what the missing member wouldn’t say is: “I’m checking out other churches on Sundays, and if I find the right one, I’m not coming back.”

Without a letter, the church’s leaders, as well as your friends, will privately speculate as to why you left – and they’ll most likely get it wrong.

They’ll guess it’s your walk with the Lord, or your marriage, or job stress … in other words, they’ll blame you for leaving … and in the process, they won’t stop to ask if there’s something they’re doing wrong that prompted you to go.

Only you can enlighten them.

That’s why once you’ve decided to leave, it’s best to write a letter to the leaders and make a clean break.

You’re still free to visit the church and retain friendships.  But you need to clarify your status so people won’t guess (wrongly) why you’re not around … and so people stop contacting you to join a small group and serve in the nursery.

Third, write and send a classy letter.  Guidelines:

*Address the Senior Pastor, the governing board members, and any staff you’ve worked with closely.  If you send a letter to one person, they may choose not to tell the other leaders you’ve left – or why.  By sending your letter to all the key leaders, the reasons for your leaving will be shared accurately.

Should you send an email?  You can, but you have no idea to whom it will be forwarded.  I’d send hard copies of letters via snail mail to people’s homes (not the church, where lay leaders may not check their mail for weeks) so everyone gets it at the same time.  (And it makes it harder to pass your letter around.)

*Write a one-page letter, but no more.  Be succinct.

*Thank the pastor and the leaders for their service and what they’ve meant to you.  Even if you’re feeling angry or hurt, you can always say something positive about the church and its leaders on paper.  (If you write a nasty letter, the leaders will forget your reasoning and focus on your tone – and you will look bad.)

*Be truthful about why you’re leaving.  If the music director is an alienating egomaniac, then speak the truth in love.  If you feel like a misfit, tell the leaders you’ve tried but can’t seem to fit in.  If you think the church is going liberal theologically, say so.

If your letter is gracious but candid, it will be taken seriously, and may even do some good.  For instance, if three good people leave because of the arrogance of the music director, the leaders may need to look into that matter more closely.

However, my experience is that once you announce that you’re leaving, the chances that anyone from the church will contact you are minimal … except for those people who want to use your departure to make a case against the pastor.  Refuse to play their game!

*Write a first draft and let it sit for a few days.  Then read it again and make appropriate changes.  Ask family or friends to read your letter and offer suggestions.

Fourth, when you leave, LEAVE.

The worst antagonist I ever had in a church left the church … and then returned a year later to lead a rebellion.  It was classless, tasteless, and unambiguously evil.

When some people leave a church, they stop attending services, serving, and giving, but sneak back around to be part of a small group.  While some church leaders may look the other way if you do that, do you realize the signals you’re sending?

Please, find another church and leave your former one behind.  It will cause less heartache for everyone involved.

Finally, leave with your head held high.

God leads us to jobs – then leads us to new ones.

The Lord may call us to live in the West – then call us to live back East.

The Lord leads us to one church for a few years – then He leads us away.

If you’re leaving because you’re bitter, then maybe you should feel guilty when you depart.  But if the Lord is directing your steps, then just obey your Savior – and go.

If people from the church contact you, there’s no need to manufacture reasons for your departure.  You’ve already worked through why you’re leaving in your own mind.  Stick to your story without deviation and people will respect you.

But no matter how nicely you leave, some churchgoers will be hurt and some friends may shun you … and then you’ll learn who your real friends are.

Just realize there are seasons to all of our lives.

The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes put it this way in 3:1-7:

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

… a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away …

a time to be silent, and a time to speak …”

If you’re happy with your church, great!

If you’re not … maybe it’s time to make a tough decision.

May the Lord grant you the courage you need.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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