*True or false: pastors are infallible.
That’s false. I grew up in a pastor’s home, married a pastor’s daughter, and became a pastor myself, so I know better than most that pastors are sinners saved by God’s grace, just like every other believer.
*True or false: pastors need other believers to help them grow.
That’s true. No matter how close a pastor is to God, he is still an imperfect being, and will be until he becomes like Jesus in the next life. Pastors need mentors and friends and family just like anybody else.
*True or false: pastors sometimes need to be confronted about an issue in their life.
That’s true. We all have our blind spots, pastors included. Pastors can be lazy, or bitter, or insensitive, or arrogant – just like non-clergy. If someone who loves a pastor confronts him about a possible sin, and that pastor changes, then he will grow more quickly to become like Christ.
*True or false: a pastor’s wife is the only person qualified to confront him.
That’s false. While she may be in the best position to do so – living with him all week long – she may become so accustomed to his faults that she’s learned to overlook them. Because my own wife has been so positive toward me and my ministry over the years, when she has taken the risk of confronting me, I know she’s usually right.
However, a pastor has interactions with many people when his spouse isn’t around, such as staff members, board members, counselees, ministry leaders, and people in the community. A pastor’s wife can’t possibly witness all of his relationships.
*True or false: God may choose to use you to confront your pastor about an issue.
That’s true. He may use you.
Imagine that some men from your church invite you to play basketball, and your pastor comes along. You’re excited because you’ll have a chance to see who he really is away from the church.
But it doesn’t take long to discover that your pastor is extremely competitive. He travels with the ball but won’t admit it, fouls other players without owning up to it, and throws in a few profane words at inopportune times. And besides, every time his team scores, he engages in trash talk.
You’re hurt, disappointed, and even a bit angry. What, if anything, should you do about it?
Your options:
You can let it go and treat his behavior as an anomaly.
You can ask other players what they thought about the pastor’s behavior.
You can go home and pray for your pastor.
You can write a letter to the church board and tell them how he misbehaved.
You can throw the ball at the pastor, or give him an elbow on the next rebound, or …
You can talk to the pastor yourself.
I recently saw the film We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon. (Great film, by the way.) In the film, Damon’s character has a talk with his son and refers to the importance of “twenty seconds of insane courage.”
In other words, if you have something important to say to someone, but you’re afraid, you only need “twenty seconds of insane courage” to say it.
Why should you be the one to say something?
Because you witnessed his behavior … which is why you can’t pass this assignment off on someone who didn’t experience it.
Some tips:
*Talk to him directly. Jesus said in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you [and your pastor is your brother, too], go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”
Instead of pronouncing judgment upon him (“May God strike you dead for using foul language!”), ask him a question, like:
“Why do you use those words out here but not in the pulpit?”
“Why can’t you admit that you’re guilty of fouls like the rest of us?”
Even if the pastor is in a competitive zone and brushes you off initially, if he’s truly a man of God, he’ll eventually grapple with your questions.
I have a theory: in the majority of cases where a pastor is involuntarily terminated, those who are angry with him (staff members, the church board, others in the congregation) have never shared their concerns with him directly. They tell everybody except the pastor … a clear violation of Jesus’ words.
*Talk to him privately. Nobody likes to lose face by being reprimanded in public, including pastors. Jesus says to “go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”
If you’ve trained yourself to confront other believers, then you could wait until after the game and ask the pastor if you could speak with him for a moment. During those “twenty seconds of courage,” let him know that you love him but that his behavior stepped over a line. Next:
*Talk to him lovingly. Jesus says, “If he listens to you …”
Let me be honest here. Many pastors are not good listeners. They love to hear themselves talk but aren’t quite as generous when others are speaking. You need to use a tone that compels your pastor to hear you. I’d opt for a gentle tone (not a judgmental one) as mentioned in Galatians 6:1. Finally:
*Talk to him redemptively. What’s the aim of any confrontation? Jesus encourages us to win our brother over.
We’re not trying to harm our pastor, but restore him. He’s temporarily become fragmented. We’re trying to help him become whole again.
Let me end today’s article with a quote from Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker:
“Your responsibility to go to someone who is caught in sin does not vanish just because that person is in a position of authority over you (e.g., an employer or a church elder). Since these people are as human as you are, they will also sin and need correction (see 1 Tim. 5:19-20). Of course, you may need to exercise special care in choosing your words when you talk with such a person. Speak in a respectful manner, and do all you can to affirm your regard for that person’s authority. In doing so, you may not only encourage needed changes, but also increase that person’s respect for you.”
Next time, I’ll discuss various ways that pastors respond when someone confronts them.
Have you ever confronted your pastor about an issue? If so, how did it turn out?
Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Let’s Go See the Pastor
Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged complaining about a pastor, confronting your pastor, disagreeing with a pastor, grievance against a pastor on November 6, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Imagine that someone approaches you at church and says, “I’m upset with the pastor.” This individual then proceeds to tell you exactly why they’re angry.
What should you do about their complaint?
Listen?
Agree?
Disagree?
Walk away?
I recently shared a meal with a friend who once served as board chairman in a church where I served as pastor.
He reminded me that whenever churchgoers approached him to complain about me, he told them:
“Let’s go see the pastor.”
My friend was seeking to carry out Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18:15 by bringing the complainer directly to me.
I asked him, “How did people respond?”
He replied, “They said, “No, no, we don’t want to see him.'”
I asked, “Did this happen during my entire tenure or just at the end?”
He said, “No, it happened at the end.” (That church went through some stressful times that were beyond our control.)
Over the course of my 36-year pastoral career, I estimate that less than a dozen people ever sat down with me in a loving, biblical fashion and shared a grievance with me.
Some complained through letters and emails … others through response cards and phone calls … and a few accosted me before or after a worship service.
But very few ever made an appointment … met with me one-on-one … and then shared their heart with me.
So when someone did that, I commended them for their courage … and listened very carefully.
But the more common approach in churches is for someone to bypass the pastor and broadcast their feelings/complaints/grievances about him to their network.
I wonder how many did just that over the years? 50? 125? 250? Only God knows.
Why don’t most people speak directly to their pastor about their concerns?
*They don’t know the pastor personally.
*They can’t predict the pastor’s reactions.
*They don’t want to be labeled as complainers.
*They don’t want to take up the pastor’s valuable time.
*They aren’t sure the pastor will take them seriously or make any changes.
One time, a new couple made an appointment to see me. They didn’t like our small group format and wanted it overhauled to their liking.
I listened. I understood what they were saying. But I didn’t agree with them … so they left the church … but at least they came to me with their suggestion.
But a long-time member used to stop by my office every year and ask me, “Pastor, would it be all right if I made a couple of suggestions?”
Great approach, by the way.
When I assented, he’d make several observations … and I almost always agreed with them. I valued his views.
If you’re upset about a church policy, speak to any of the policy makers … usually members of the governing board. You don’t have to share policy concerns exclusively with the pastor.
If you’re upset with someone personally, though, you need to speak directly with them in a loving fashion … even if that someone is your pastor … or let it go.
Above all, avoid spreading any discontent to others. Those kinds of complaints are infectious and divisive … and have been known to destroy both pastoral careers and entire congregations. Churches that permit verbal assaults on their pastor sow the seeds of their own destruction.
Remember the words of James 3:5 in relation to the tongue: “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.”
But if someone walks up to you and says, “I want to complain about the pastor,” there’s an effective, biblical way to handle that.
Simply tell that individual:
“Let’s go see the pastor.”
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