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Archive for the ‘Conflict with Church Antagonists’ Category

High Noon at Your Church

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Jim's Ten Favorite Articles, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , , , on March 25, 2013| 4 Comments »

Toward the end of the last millennium, the American Film Institute produced a list of the Top 100 Films of All-Time.  Since I was unfamiliar with most of them, I systematically visited the local video store and checked out as many as I could.

One of those films was High Noon – now listed by the Institute as the 27th greatest film ever.

Last night, through the magic of Roku, my wife and I watched the film again.

Gary Cooper stars as Marshal Will Kane.  (My brother John has lived for years in Montana on land once owned by Gary Cooper.)  As the film opens, it’s Kane’s wedding day.  He’s marrying Amy (played by Grace Kelly).

But as they’re ready to leave on their honeymoon, Kane and his wife learn that the dreaded Frank Miller has been released from prison … and is coming to town on the noontime train … to wreak vengeance on the marshal who put him behind bars.

As evidence of this fact, Miller’s brother and two cohorts ride through the middle of town toward the train depot while all the townspeople scatter.

Marshal Kane is advised to hightail it out of town with his bride and not look back.  After all, a new marshal is scheduled to take over the next day.  Let him handle the Ferocious Four.

Kane is torn.  On the one hand, everybody’s telling him to leave town with Amy … so that’s what he does.  But five minutes outside town, he turns around and goes back, telling Amy that they’ll never be safe if he doesn’t confront Frank Miller and his boys now.

As I watched the film with fascination, I saw many parallels between the way people reacted to the conflict inside their town and the way churchgoers respond to open conflict at their church:

First, everyone feels anxious when a group’s leader experiences an attack.

The opening scenes of High Noon show a town that’s been rejuvenated.  The people of the town are having fun and laughing.

But when Ben Miller (Frank’s younger brother) and his two buddies ride through town, everybody gets off the street and hides.

The town became a happy place because of the work done by Marshal Kane.  He’s the one who cleaned up the streets and made the place safe for women and children.

But as anxiety rises in the town, people begin to engage in self-preservation.

When a group – and it’s always a group – attacks a pastor, the entire church senses something is wrong.

Sometimes people can tell a pastor is under attack because he’s no longer himself.  He lowers his head, doesn’t smile, and seems jittery.

Other times, people start to hear rumors about the pastor – or charges by people who don’t like him.

And as anxiety begins to spread around the church, people start heading for the tall grass.

Second, a leader under attack needs reinforcements.

Marshal Kane was a tall, strong man who knew how to handle a gun.  But would he prevail in a showdown with four experienced gunmen?

Probably not – so Kane began asking the townspeople for help.  He asked men whom he had once deputized.  He asked the guys in the local saloon.  He even interrupted a church service and asked the congregation if a few men would volunteer to assist him.

After all, if 8 or 10 men stood shoulder-to-shoulder next to Kane, then maybe Frank Miller and his gang would see they were outnumbered and just ride out of town.

No pastor attacked by a group in a church can survive unless he has reinforcements.

Maybe some staff members are willing to stand with him … or the entire governing board … or some former leaders … or a group of longtime friends.

If the associate pastor stands with the pastor … along with the board chairman … and a few other key leaders, the pastor may have enough support to turn back the Gang of Gunmen.

But without that support, the pastor … and possibly the church … are toast.

Third, most people bail on their leader when he needs them the most.

This is the heart of the film.

Amy, the marshal’s new bride, runs away from her husband when they return to town because she’s a Quaker and doesn’t want to see any killing.

The guys in the saloon prove worthless.

The people in the church discuss helping their marshal … then decide against doing anything at all.  (The pastor says he doesn’t know what to do.)

And Marshal Kane can’t convince any of his deputies to help him.  One who said he’d stand by his leader runs when he discovers nobody else will help the marshal, and the current deputy is angry with Kane because he wasn’t selected to be marshal after Kane’s tenure.

Kane even goes to see a former girlfriend … and she announces she’s leaving town, too.

Over 25 years as a solo or senior pastor, there were attempts to get rid of me on three separate occasions.

The first two times, the board stood with me.

The last time, most of the staff and a group of current and former leaders stood with me.

But when most pastors are threatened, everybody bails on them.

Why is this?

Because people aren’t informed?  Because it’s not their fight?

No, it’s usually because those who stand beside their pastor when he’s under attack end up enduring the same vilification that the pastor receives … and few are willing to suffer like that.

Finally, the only way to defeat the attackers is to stand strong.

After Frank Miller came in on the noon train, he and his boys left for town to carry out their plan: kill Marshal Kane.

At the same time, Kane’s former girlfriend climbed onto the train … along with his wife Amy.

When Amy hears shots, she instinctively bolts off the train and heads for town.

When she gets there, her husband has already killed two of the four gunmen.

While the drunks in the saloon nervously wait … and Kane’s friends hide in their homes … and the congregation down the road prays … Amy, of all people, defends her husband.

And in so doing, she saves his life … and their future together.

When a group attacks a pastor, they have one of two goals in mind: defeat him (by forcing him to leave) or destroy him (by ruining his reputation and damaging his career).

Because most pastors are tender souls, he usually has just two chances to emerge victorious after such a showdown: slim and none.

Even if the pastor wilts while attacked … and most do … the attackers can be driven away – and even eradicated – if the pastor has just a few Amys on his side.

While we have several incidents in the New Testament where a spiritual leader is corrected (Paul opposed Peter to his face in Galatians; Aquila and Priscilla instructed Apollos in Acts 18), we don’t have any incidents in the New 
Testament where a group of believers tries to destroy their spiritual leader.

So let’s do our best to eliminate this ecclesiastical plague in the 21st century.

With the Gang of Four lying motionless on the town’s streets, the townspeople come outside and cheer Amy and Marshal Kane … who drops his badge onto the street and leaves town for the final time.

Once upon a time, pastors would endure an attack in one church … then go to another church, where they’d be attacked again … then do the same thing several more times.

In our day, most pastors are leaving ministry after the first attack.

If High Noon ever comes to your church, don’t just talk or pray.  If your pastor is being unfairly accused, be willing to fight with him.

Because if he leaves town, the Gang of Four will end up in charge.

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Should Christians Burn Relational Bridges?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, tagged , , , , on March 20, 2013| 2 Comments »

Rick Warren tweeted the following a couple nights ago: “God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection.  Don’t run after them.”

I can certainly envision scenarios where Rick’s advice is warranted.

We’ve all had toxic co-workers leave our workplace and ask if they could keep in touch with us … but after exchanging email addresses, we never write.

And we’ve all had neighbors that we waved goodbye to as they left the neighborhood … while thanking God they’re out of our lives.

But what about fellow Christians?  Is it ever appropriate to burn bridges with another believer?

Rick’s tweet doesn’t distinguish between unbelievers/believers.  I’m not sure what kind of person he had in mind, but I believe his counsel is sound.

And yet some of us … especially those of us who are sensitive … wish we could get along with everybody.

Sometimes God removes people from our lives … and we’re glad.

In my first pastorate, a board member continually became angry about some things I did or said.  One time, he walked out of a class I was teaching and slammed the door.  Another time, he called me at home to criticize me for something innocuous I had written in the church newsletter.  He could be a teddy bear or a momma bear … and I never knew which he’d be.

Since he was 34 years older than me, I tried placating him, but it never worked … for long.

And then one day, he was directly involved in leading 20 people out of our church … hoping he’d become their new pastor.

When he left, I didn’t run after him.  I never saw him again until I attended his funeral several years later.

And I never felt bad that our relationship was over.

Because with him and his crew out of the way, our church was free to take ministry risks we couldn’t have taken had he been around.

God removed him from my life … first when he left the church, and finally when he died.

And I felt a great sense of relief.

Sometimes God removes people from our lives … and we’re sad.

I once had a friend who was a pastor in a nearby church.  We got along so well that we began having breakfast together every week.  I felt like I could tell him anything.

Through a series of circumstances, we both ended up as candidates for the same church job.  I didn’t want the job, but it was offered to me, forcing him to take a church position hundreds of miles away.

No matter how much I protested that it wasn’t a setup, he became convinced that the process wasn’t fair and that I should have found another ministry like he did.

While this incident happened 30 years ago, it still hurts to think about it.

The more we invest our lives in specific individuals, the more hopeful we become that our friendship will last forever.

But most friendships last only for a season … until one of us leaves a job, or moves away, or becomes interested in other things.

I never burned my bridges with my friend.  I hope we run into each other someday.

But God allowed that rift for some inexplicable reason … just like He let Paul and Barnabas sail away from each other in Acts 15.

Rick Warren is usually an upbeat, joyful person.  I’ve heard him speak many times, and although he can be serious, he rarely expresses sorrow.

But the only time I’ve seen him cry is when he started talking about the people who have left his church.

And when people leave a church, most pastors view their departure as a personal failure.

Sometimes God removes people from our lives … and we’re mad.

Sometimes we pastors drive people away from our church without knowing it.

In my rookie pastorate, I became incensed at some teaching I was hearing on the radio from a married couple.  One time, I named the heretics, quoted them – and then refuted them.

But because a deacon and his wife loved their teaching, they left the church soon afterwards.

From that experience, I learned to refute teaching without necessarily naming the teachers.

It’s one thing for God to remove people from our lives.

It’s another thing for us to burn the bridges ourselves.

Another time, a family who had been with the Jehovah’s Witnesses came to our church.  The wife eventually wanted to begin a ministry to JWs.  I was excited.

And then the family suddenly stopped coming to church.

One night, I went by their place and knocked on their door.  The husband emerged but didn’t want to talk to us.

They had left … for good.  I grieved their exodus for 2 weeks.

I later found out that a troubled woman had misrepresented our ministry to this family and that’s why they left.

And that angered me.

The truth is that we’ve all burned relational bridges with people over the years.

We burn bridges passively when we fail to call or email or visit someone we once knew well.

We burn bridges actively when we cut them off without their knowledge.  (Ever “unfriend” someone on Facebook?)

While it’s hard to make new friends if I hang onto all my old friends, there’s nothing better than hanging out with old friends.

Several months ago, my wife and I enjoyed dinner with my oldest friend and his wife.  We met when we were 10 years old.  I still remember the time and place.

He remembered incidents I had long forgotten … and I recalled people’s names he could no longer place.

We’ve been friends for 49 years.  I want to hang on to his friendship!

But I know others whom I once treasured.  Maybe they eventually moved away … or I did … and the friendship slowly fizzled.

And if we tried to resurrect our relationship, it might not be worth the effort.

We might say that time and distance burned our relational bridge.

18 years ago, I attended the 40th anniversary of the church where I first joined a church staff … and later met my wife.

It was a glorious night … seeing people I hadn’t seen for 20+ years.  We reminisced and laughed and cried.  I didn’t want to leave.

But after I did, I’ve hardly seen any of those people since.

That’s what heaven is for.

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Profile of a Clergy Killer, Finale

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , on February 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

When pastors get together, what do they talk about?

Their walk with God?

Their family?

Church progress?

Yes, but in my experience, when pastors congregate, they talk about their ecclesiastical adversaries more than any other topic.

Why is this?

Maybe it’s because pastors can’t discuss this issue with anyone in their own congregations … or because their wives don’t want to hear about it anymore … or because they know that other pastors are the only ones who really understand how they feel.

Pastors must endure chronic complainers … and occasional critics … and these individuals can be found in every church, regardless of size.

Most pastors don’t lose too much sleep over these people.

But ministers do lose sleep over a special brand of critic: the Clergy Killer.

I wrote about CKs in my last article, highlighting three traits they all have in common:

*A CK is someone who strongly disagrees with the direction the pastor is taking the church.

*A CK is someone who collects the complaints of others.

*A CK is someone who seeks additional power in the church.

As I mentioned last time, I can only identify 15 CKs that I’ve known over 36 years of church ministry … and 5 of them were people who attacked my pastor when I was a staff member.

That means as a solo or senior pastor, I’ve only been attacked by 10 CKs … but one is far too many.

Let me share two additional traits of a CK:

Fourth, a CK is someone who makes a conscious decision to lead a charge against a pastor.

A CK isn’t just a critic or a complainer.  Those people can stay in a church for years and never become a CK.

A CK wants to destroy his or her pastor.

When is an attack by a CK most likely to occur?

According to research, between years four and five of a pastor’s tenure.

Why then?

Because by then, a pastor has clearly laid out the direction he wants his church to go.

The pastor’s agenda usually prompts two strong responses from parishioners: agreement or resistance.

Those who resist the pastor’s leadership at this point can go in one of two directions: either they choose to leave the church or they choose to stay and push out their pastor instead.

In my second pastorate, I had this happen to me right on schedule … between years four and five.

When CKs make the choice to force out their pastor, they will use any means at their disposal to get rid of him: threats … rumors … exaggeration … and clear cut lies.

In most cases … and this is going to be a strong statement … CKs believe that it’s permissible to commit evil actions as long as they eventually get rid of their minister.

This is why CKs must be identified and stopped … but only by using the twin weapons of truth and love.

As a wise man once said: beware lest in fighting a dragon, you become a dragon.

Finally, a CK is someone who will never admit that what they’re doing is wrong.

CKs are rightists … people who seek to control everyone around them … insisting that people – including their pastor – do church the way they want church done.

I know of a church that seems to be going down the tubes.  They have been looking for a new pastor for more than a year.  One of their conditions for any candidate is that the person agrees not to use contemporary music during worship.

How much do you want to bet that a CK is chairman of the search team?

The CKs I have known exhibit personality traits that tend toward narcissism, sociopathy, and paranoia.

Their narcissism tells them that they are superior to the pastor.  They don’t believe the pastor knows the right direction for the church … they do.

Their sociopathy tells them that they need to defeat the pastor to feel good about themselves.  The pastor can’t be reclaimed or restored … he must be obliterated.

Their paranoia tells them that they better “get” the pastor before the pastor “gets” them.  So the CK overreacts to every possible slight or offense, interpreting things the pastor says or does in the worst possible light.

What happens to a CK after their attack on the pastor?

Some stay in their church … but rarely repent.

Some leave their church … but only if the pastor can amass a supportive coalition that will confront the CK head-on.

Some are disciplined by the Lord … either through tragedy or death.

I take no pleasure in writing about CKs, but there is a place in Christ’s church for prophetic warnings, and I want to sound the alarm.

For you see, when I was a boy, several CKs banded together and pushed out my pastor.

Less than two years later, my pastor died.

That pastor was my father.

And not long afterwards, that church went out of existence.

What most Christians fail to understand is this:

An attack on your pastor is ultimately an attack on your church.

Never, ever join forces with a CK.

Instead, if you suspect someone is demonstrating the traits of a CK, confront them.  Expose them.  And defeat them.

This is the way of apostles like Paul and John and Peter and Jude.

And it needs to become our way in the 21st century as well.

_________________________________________

This is the 250th article that I’ve posted since December 2010.  I used to think it was a good day if I had 25 views in a day.  Now I regularly receive 3 times that number, for which I praise God.

I’m not writing about issues for the general Christian public … I’ll let others address those things.

Instead, I want to write about topics that Christians think about but can’t find much guidance on.  I want to expose the dark side of the church to the light.

I literally have scores of topics I can write about … all I have to do is peruse the terms people type into their search engines to find my blog.

My Top 10 all-time most viewed articles are:

1. If You Must Terminate a Pastor (3 1/2 times more views than the second most-read article)

2. Pastors Who Overfunction

3. Secular Songs You Can Sing in Church, Finale

4. When to Correct a Pastor

5. Secular Songs You Can Sing in Church, Part 1

6. When You’re Upset with Your Pastor

7. Pastors Who Cause Trouble

8. Conflict Lessons from War Horse

9. Facing Your Accusers

10. Why I Love London

Like most writers, sometimes I write for myself, and other times, I write to shed light on a problem area.

I can never predict how many times a particular article will be read … but I’m grateful every time someone reads even one.

And that includes you, my friend.

Thanks for reading!

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Profile of a Clergy Killer

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on February 1, 2013| 6 Comments »

Have you ever seen the British TV show Whitechapel?

The show is about detectives in London’s East End who deal with gruesome murders committed by copycat killers who emulate famous criminals.  The first series deals with attempts by the detectives to detect and arrest a murderer who has been replicating the crimes of the infamous Jack the Ripper.

To find the murderer, the show’s three stars must examine crime scenes, check forensic evidence, interview those who knew the victims … and attempt to write a profile of the actual killer.

If they can create such a profile, they hope to stop more murders in the future.

Unfortunately, most churches have another kind of murderer in their midst … a clergy killer.

I first heard the phrase “clergy killer” 16 years ago when I attended a seminar for pastors and their wives.  On that occasion, I was given an article by G. Lloyd Rediger about this issue.

That same year, Rediger published his pioneer work Clergy Killers.

While I will use Rediger’s phrase in this article, the rest of the work is mine.

Over the course of 36 years in church ministry (4 churches as a staff member, 4 as a pastor), I have been able to identify at least 15 CKs in the 8 churches I served in.

*3 churches had 3+ CKs, while 3 others had none.

*Most CKs were men – by a 2-1 ratio.

*3 married couples in separate churches worked in concert to force out their pastor.

*3 were board members at the time they surfaced as a CK, while one was an office manager.

*2 of the 15 died of heart attacks at inopportune times.

Clergy killers are not simply chronic complainers … or those who disagree with leadership decisions … or those who get mad and leave a church.

No, clergy killers are self-appointed individuals who are on a mission to get rid of their pastor … and they will use any means at their disposal to accomplish their goal.

What is the profile of a clergy killer?  Here is a composite from my experience:

First, a clergy killer is someone who strongly disagrees with the direction the pastor is taking the church.

These are complaints I’ve heard over the years (some were directed at the pastors I worked for, some at me):

“The music on Sunday mornings is awful.”

“The church doesn’t do enough with the denomination.”

“The pastor doesn’t work hard enough.”

“The church is mismanaging its money.”

“The pastor is lazy because he doesn’t teach enough during the week.”

“The pastor is too focused on the needs of the unchurched and not the congregation.”

“This church is not run enough like a business.”

After each complaint, add the phrase, “And it’s all the pastor’s fault … so he needs to go.”

A person doesn’t qualify as a CK because they mentally toy with these thoughts, or because they share them privately with their spouse or a friend.

No, a person becomes a CK because they boldly – even brazenly – begin to share their complaints with their network at church … almost indiscriminately.

And the upshot is that since the pastor is going in the wrong direction, he must be removed.

Second, a clergy killer is someone who collects the complaints of others.

The CK knows that his or her complaints aren’t enough to eliminate the minister.  They’re just opinions … and not impeachable evidence.

So the CK begins to contact churchgoers they suspect have their own complaints against the pastor … often after worship on Sundays.

The CK shares their complaints in hopes that (a) their compatriots will agree with them, and (b) share some of their own issues.

This gathering of grievances is wrong.

In fact, I’ll even go further: it’s sinful.

And if it continues, it’s downright satanic.

When I collect complaints from others, I encourage them to share their offenses with me.  In the process:

*I haven’t made any attempt at sharing my own feelings with the pastor so he can explain his position or make things right between us.

*I don’t encourage others who are upset with the pastor to speak with him directly … but with me instead.

*I’m using their complaints to build a case against the pastor in direction violation of Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21.

*I’m not interested in a fair process or in reconciliation … I’m interested in becoming judge, jury, and executioner for my network.

One pastor calls this pooling of offenses “the bait of Satan.”

Here’s the interesting thing: the pastor often finds out who is doing the complaining as well as the nature of at least some of the complaints anyway.

Years ago, when a CK went after me, he began making calls to people who had left the church, suggesting that they left because of me.

One woman vehemently denied that I was the reason she left … and proceeded to tell me what was going on … which was exactly the right thing to do.  Her call provided evidence that a CK was at work in our midst and allowed church leaders to construct a strategy to force him out instead.

Just remember: if the CK had one clear-cut spiritual/moral felony to report about the pastor … like denying the deity of Christ … or an illicit sexual relationship … or stealing money from the offering plate … that might be sufficient to push out the pastor.

But because the CK can’t produce evidence of such felonies, the CK tries to pile up a host of lesser offenses instead … hoping the sheer volume of complaints will be enough to compel the pastor to leave.

And that is not the work of God.

Third, a clergy killer is someone who seeks additional power in the church.

The CK feels that he or she is superior to the pastor … smarter than the pastor … and more connected with the congregation.

Because the CK has an inflated view of their greatness, they believe that they know what’s best for the church … and that the pastor does not.

As I think about those who were CKs in previous ministries, they fall into two categories: those who had a church position and wanted greater authority, and those who did not have a church position but felt they deserved one.

The majority of CKs I have known fall into the latter category.

Some of them had once been on the church board but had not been asked to serve again, which made them resentful over time … especially when they noticed who did get onto the board.

Some of them taught a class or held a leadership role, but felt they deserved more authority because they alone knew what was best for the church.

The truth is that most CKs feel powerless in life.

Maybe they no longer wield the power they once did at work … or the government is after them … or they’re not getting along with their spouse … and they sense they can regain a measure of control if they seize power at church.

Some CKs were even called to the ministry earlier in life … and rejected that call … but still wish to be the Protestant Pope of their congregation.

If you’ve read this far, you might be wondering, “Jim, does this stuff really happen in churches or are you exaggerating to make a point?”

No, it really happens.  In fact, 25% of all pastors have been forced out of church ministry by CKs at least once.

Know anybody who fits this profile so far?  (I hope not.)

I’ll finish up next time.

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Five Reasons Why Pastors Vanish, Finale

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on January 30, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Imagine that you attend your church this weekend. You’re in a great mood: your family is healthy, work is going well, and all is right with your world.

You vibrantly sing the worship songs … take notes during the pastor’s message … and feel great about your church.

Then at the end of the service, your pastor stands and reads a letter: he’s resigning … leaving your church forever … after many years of productive service.

He tells you he’s tired … that he’s looking forward to future opportunities … but you wonder what the real story is.

In my last article, I mentioned three reasons why pastors suddenly disappear:

*They’re tired of fighting a handful of antagonists.

*They’re frustrated in their efforts to reach their community for Christ.

*They are tired of being so lonely.

Let me add just two more reasons … even though I could add many more:

Fourth, their family members are hurting because of relentless criticism.

While all pastors believe that God has called them to ministry, many pastor’s wives did not receive that same call.  They believe that God has called them primarily to love their husbands and their children.  They are willing to attend services and serve in a ministry as long as it doesn’t negatively impact their home life.

But when a pastor’s wife sees her husband unfairly attacked … and she sees the toll it takes on his health and his joy and his walk with God … she begins to pull back from church people and church work.

This scenario alone can cause a pastor’s wife to beg him to quit church ministry.

And inevitably, as a few critics focus on the pastor’s shortcomings, they will target her with attacks as well.  They will criticize the way she dresses … whether or not she works outside the home … and how she performs her ministries, among other things.

As these criticisms float back her way, she will be deeply hurt … and such criticisms are meant to hurt.

She’ll pull back even more and strongly suggest that her husband resign.  Some may even threaten to leave him if he doesn’t.

But when people start attacking their children … and if the pastor hasn’t left by now, some will … she will shift into protective mode and insist that her husband resign to save their family.

Pastors going through such situations are torn.  On the one hand, a pastor once took a vow that he would stay married to the same woman forever.  On the other hand, he also went through an ordination process recognizing God’s call upon his life.

When the vow and the call clash, a pastor feels pulled in two directions.  If he goes with the vow, he may lose his ministry career.  If he goes with the call, he may lose his wife … and possibly his career … anyway.

To save their families, many pastors choose to resign from their positions instead … and the pastor normally won’t acknowledge this factor publicly.

My guess is that when pastors vanish, this factor probably plays a role more than 50% of the time.

Finally, they have been asked or forced to leave by official church leaders.

This problem is now at epidemic levels in the Christian community.  Although I’ve read that 1,300 pastors per month are forcibly terminated, it’s safe to say this is true of at least 1,000 pastors per month.

There are so many possible scenarios at work here:

*Sometimes a pastor becomes frustrated with the board because board members focus more on maintenance and money than taking risks to reach people for Christ.

*Sometimes the board becomes frustrated with the pastor because he seems to be tone deaf toward their suggestions and needs.

*Sometimes a board member is personally offended by something the pastor did or said … but never talks to him directly … and gets back at the pastor by leading the charge to get rid of him.

*Sometimes the board becomes convinced they can run the church better than the pastor, so they take shortcuts, trump up some charges, and attack him with every weapon in their arsenal.

*Sometimes the board forces the pastor to resign because they’ve lined up the associate pastor or an interim pastor to preach … while they run the church their way.

Whatever the real reason why pastors and boards stop working well together, when their relationship starts to break down, the pastor will probably be the one who ends up leaving … even if he gets along with every other person in the entire church.

When the pastor stands up to announce his resignation, he probably won’t mention his problems with the board … especially if it affects any separation package he may receive.

Just like baseball managers, elected politicians, business CEOs, and rock bands, few positions in this world come with automatic lifetime appointments.

But for some reason, many of us assume that our beloved pastor will stay at our church forever.

When he leaves, we may grieve for a while, but in the back of our minds, we wonder:

Why did he really leave?

I’ve shared five possible reasons with you.

But if you really want to know, there’s one surefire way to find out:

Why don’t you ask him?

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Five Reasons Why Pastors Vanish

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , on January 28, 2013| 6 Comments »

Several years ago, a prominent pastor announced his resignation to a shocked congregation.

I knew something about this pastor because he had taught me in school and had once led a retreat for our youth group.

After his announcement, I went online and read comments from people who loved this pastor and appreciated his ministry.

They didn’t buy the public reasons he gave for leaving.  They wanted to know the real reasons.

Why do at least 1,500 pastors leave church ministry every month?

Let me share five real reasons:

First, they’re tired of fighting a handful of antagonists.

Most pastors – about 75% – are feelers rather than thinkers.  No matter how much they claim they can handle constructive criticism, any criticism wounds them to the core.

There are people in every church who have figured this out.  They know instinctively that if they continually find fault with their pastor, he will wilt, become ineffective, and eventually quit.

While these people know the pastor’s values, the pastor doesn’t know theirs.

Regardless of church size, when push comes to shove, most pastors leave a church because of a group of 7-10 individuals.

The pastor of a megachurch once told me that no matter how well things went on Sunday, he received a barrage of critical comments on Monday.

When the criticism occurs week after week, month after month, and year after year, it’s no wonder some pastors finally say, “I’m out of here!  I’ve had enough.”

This is why every pastor needs a few spiritual bodyguards who will serve as his protectors and encouragers.

Second, they’re frustrated in their efforts to reach their community for Christ.

If a church truly wants to reach people for Jesus, it will have to make some changes.

It will have to make changes in its worship service(s) … in its leadership structure … in the way funds are allocated … in the way decisions are made … in the way people interact with Scripture.

While some Christians are eager to make such changes, many … if not most … are not.

Too many believers have a vested interest in keeping things the same – year after year – regardless of how effective their church is.

I hesitate to quote Robert Schuller at this point, but I’m going to do it anyway because I believe he’s right.  I once heard him say:

“Any church can grow if it puts the needs of the unchurched ahead of the churched.”

He’s not saying that a pastor should ignore the needs of his people.  Far from it.

But if a pastor only focuses on pleasing the congregation he already has, few if any people (other than the kids of believers) will come to faith in Jesus Christ.

If evangelism isn’t front-loaded, it won’t happen.

The pastor of a rapidly growing church once told me that as his church grew, Christians were constantly trying to get him to change the church’s mission so that it focused exclusively on believers.  Pastors can sense this resistance.

When the pastor is the only one who really cares about reaching the community – and this happens in all too many churches – don’t be surprised if he quietly disappears.

Third, many pastors are tired of being so lonely.

Why is this?  Two thoughts:

*For starters, pastors carry around the problems and pains of their people 24/7.

If you’re in a small group, you know about the sufferings of a handful of people.  But the larger a church grows, the more problems come to the pastor’s attention … and if he’s a caring pastor, he’ll be thinking and praying about those problems constantly.

And most pastors are legally forbidden from sharing the problems of counselees with anyone else … even their wives.

Many times, I’d be out with my wife, and she’d wonder why I was staring into space … but I couldn’t tell her that I was hurting for someone at church.

*In addition, pastors know they can have friends at church … just not close friends.

Why not?

It’s simple: a pastor’s primary vocational problems concern others in his church … like staffers … and board members … and loudmouthed antagonists … and the pastor does not want to run down those people to others.

Because if the pastor really opened up about how he felt, his feelings might get around the church … and hurt people … and hasten his own demise.

So he remains silent … and talks only to people outside the church … if he can find someone who will listen.

Christian counselors will listen … but they can cost a lot of money.

Pastoral colleagues might listen … if you can set up an appointment three weeks in advance.

Many pastor’s wives will listen … but the pastor can’t tell her everything.

Many pastors quit because it’s lonely at the top … and they’re tired of being perpetually lonely.

I’ll add two more reasons next time!

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Book Excerpt: Provocative Quotations About Church Conflict

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , on October 29, 2012| Leave a Comment »

With Hurricane Sandy beating upon the Eastern seaboard … and headed north toward my position in New England … let me share with you a few provocative quotations from my soon-to-be-published book on church conflict (called Church Coup) before the power goes out.

While these quotations have been wrested from their context, they are designed to make all of us think.

Here’s the first one from Lloyd Rediger on page 53 of his book Clergy Killers:

“Because the church as a whole has succumbed to the business model of operation . . . the pastor has become an employee, and parishioners the stockholders/customers.  The pastor is hired to manage the small business we used to call a congregation. This means his primary task is to keep the stockholders happy; the secondary task is to produce and market an attractive product. When this mindset infects the church, the church is no longer a mission but has become a business . . . the introduction of a business mindset is producing dissonance in the church continually.  For though businesses advocate mission and discipline, the budget is necessarily the bottom line.  This is the reverse of how a healthy congregation functions.”

Here’s a second quotation from Guy Greenfield on page 56 of his book The Wounded Minister:

“Administration is a necessary part of directing a church’s life, but administration must always be a means and never an end. When deacons and other lay leaders see themselves primarily as administrators, then control is likely to be more important than ministry. When deacons emphasize that they are a ‘board’ (not a biblical concept), or when elders call themselves ‘ruling elders,’ watch out.  Control will become the primary issue.”

Here’s a third quotation from page 53 of Peter Steinke’s book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times:

“When we are flooded with anxiety, we can neither hear what is said without distortion nor respond with clarity. Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist, comments that stress limits our repertoire of responses. Fixated on what is endangering us, we forfeit our imaginative capacities. We act with a small and sometimes unproductive repertoire of behaviors.  With fewer alternatives, we act foolishly . . . . Our mind is set in imaginative gridlock, we obsess about the threat, and our chances of changing our thinking are almost nonexistent.”

Finally, here’s a quote from page 116 of Speed Leas’ book Leadership and Conflict:

“Confidentiality just increases the amount of fear in the system.  If we believe that we cannot share what is going on in a meeting or in a conflict, the secretive aura enhances rather than diminishes assessments of just how dangerous this situation is.  The more that is shared, the more that is talked about, the less threatening the experience . . . . I can’t say enough about the problems of confidentiality in organizational settings. In my experience the norms of confidentiality are serious barriers to managing conflict.  Secrets inhibit rather than open up communication, secrets raise fear, secrets keep out people who might be able to help, secrets presume that truth will enslave rather than set one free, secrets are often lies that keep the accused from confronting them because he or she supposedly doesn’t know the ‘charges.’”

If you’d like to interact with one of the quotations above, feel free to leave a comment.  As for me, I’ve got to batten down the hatches.  Sandy’s coming, and she’s pretty upset.

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Betrayed: A Film Exposing Clergy Killers

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , on October 10, 2012| 6 Comments »

Did you know there are individuals in our churches who seek to destroy pastors?

There is a term for such people: “clergy killers.”

I first heard the phrase used by Dr. Lloyd Rediger in an article promoting his book Clergy Killers which was published in the late 1990s.

The late Dr. Rediger was an ordained Presbyterian minister, a pastoral counselor, a church consultant, and the author of books on clergy burnout and toxic congregations, among others.

In 2011, when I learned that Dr. Rediger lived in the Southwest, I contacted him about the possibility of meeting someday.  However, he told me he couldn’t meet because he was busy working on a film about the clergy killer phenomenon.

The film has now been released, and it’s called Betrayed: The Clergy Killer’s DNA.

My wife and I recently viewed the 90-minute film in its entirety … hitting the pause button along the way to discuss what we had just heard.  (I can be annoying that way.)

The film features unscripted interviews with pastors, psychiatrists, and Christian leaders who seek to expose what they say has been “the best kept secret in the Church.”

And these leaders hail from evangelical, mainline, and Roman Catholic congregations.

Those who are interviewed discuss the motivations of those who attack clergy … our need to label this kind of behavior as “evil” … the viciousness of the attacks … the role of Satan and spiritual warfare … and the heavy cost that clergy killers exact on pastors, their families, and congregations.

In fact, clergy killers consider themselves to be on a mission: to destroy a pastor at all costs … regardless of how much the CK hurts others.

The film not only exposes people who attempt to harm their pastors, but also indicts churchgoers who allow this “emotional terrorism” to happen without doing anything.

I encourage you to order this film and watch it with other believers.  It’s one of the best things you can do to keep your church healthy … and to protect your pastor from unwarranted attacks.

In fact, if you’re in a small group, I encourage you to show the film sometime and discuss it afterwards.

You can order the film from the following website (and they’ll send it right out):

http://www.betrayedthemovie.com

It’s one of the best moves you can make to protect your pastor … and your church … from clergy killers.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Standing up to Emotional Terrorism in Churches

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Jim's Ten Favorite Articles, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on October 8, 2012| Leave a Comment »

A wise old pastor once warned me to avoid “the kiss of death.”

The kiss of death for a pastor isn’t administered by a woman … or a governing board … or a government agency.

No, the kiss of death occurs when a pastor resigns his position without anywhere else to go … because when churches are looking for a pastor, they prefer to call one who is already serving in a church rather than one who is in secular work or unemployed.

I nearly experienced the kiss of death in my second pastorate.

The church I served as pastor was the result of a merger between two churches … and I had led one of those churches.

The church board and I went on a retreat in the mountains.  We evaluated the entire ministry, including ways to improve everything we did.

This included the music ministry.

The board agreed to allow a band of young men to play for our services on Sunday mornings and evenings.

(The mother of the board chairman liked the band so much that when she died, she requested they play at her memorial service.)

However, when we made this change, I warned the board in advance that some people weren’t going to like it.

And I was right.

One middle-aged couple in particular became incensed about the music.  The wife refused to come to church.  Her husband eventually stayed home as well.

One year later, this antagonist contacted my district minister to complain about me.  By this time, he had gathered together a small but vocal contingent of people who viewed me as the antichrist.

One night, my district minister and I had a conversation in which he recommended that I resign to keep the peace in the church.

However, the entire board had told me that if I resigned, they would all resign along with me … leaving the church in the hands of the antagonists … who didn’t have a collective clue as to how to run a church.

Fortunately, the board stood with me … but the district leadership wilted.

For years, this scenario has played itself out in thousands of churches:

*The district leaders of a denomination hold a training time for pastors.

*The pastors are encouraged to institute changes in their churches so they will grow numerically.

*The changes always involve taking risks … and such risk-taking always angers some attendees.

*Those attendees who are angry about the changes don’t speak directly with their pastor about their feelings.

*Instead, they go around the pastor and form a faction inside the church designed to oust the pastor … threatening to boycott services and withhold giving unless their demands are met.

*In the process, someone in their group calls the district minister and complains to him about the pastor, intimating that the pastor is so divisive and/or ineffective that he should be removed from office.

*The district minister listens to the complainers, ends up taking their side, and then recommends that the pastor resign to keep peace in the church.

That’s exactly what happened to me 25 years ago.

Here’s the problem, however.  For any church to grow:

*The pastor needs to assume leadership.

*Leadership involves taking risks.

*Risk-taking always provokes change.

*Change always provokes anxiety and even anger.

*And those reactions are always aimed at the leader … in this case, the pastor.

*If the pastor receives support from the church’s governing board, he will survive and the church has the best chance for success.

*The pastor also needs support from his “superior,” whether that’s a district minister or a bishop.

*But if either the board or the district collapses on the pastor, he may be forced to resign.

I’ve recently been reading an insightful and motivating book on denominational leadership at the district level.

It’s called Hit the Bullseye by former denominational executive Paul Borden.

Borden says that district leaders need to become coaches for pastors, who need to become better leaders in their churches.

And if this occurs, Borden writes about district leadership:

“We are also willing to confront those congregations and congregational leaders (the emotional terrorists) who for years have chewed up pastors and spit them out.  We have confronted both pastors and congregations even though it has cost the region the loss of financial support.”

That last statement takes great courage to implement.  One of the reasons district leaders side with a church over against their pastor is to keep donations to the district flowing.

Borden continues:

“Finally, we are adamant about not letting the region be used to promote congregational triangulation, which allows laity to condemn pastors anonymously.  If any lay leaders call the region to complain about their pastor those leaders are told they must first confront their pastor before we will become involved in offering assistance, if that is required.”

Borden goes on to say that “congregational transformation will create tremendous conflict in dysfunctional, dying churches” and that “the worst thing that can happen in the midst of such conflict is mediation, since the conflict is more about the transfer of power and who will lead the congregation, than individuals or groups not being able to get along.”

Let me tell you one reason why so many churches aren’t growing and so many pastors are ineffective.

It’s because pastors instinctively know that for a church to grow, they’ll have to take risks … and if they do, they may very well end up standing alone without any support … because many Christian leaders will not stand up to emotional terrorism.

Will you?

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Repeat Offender Churches

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on September 12, 2012| 5 Comments »

Someone recently asked me the following question:

“What is the likelihood that a forced termination or major conflict could happen at the same church more than once?  (Let’s say within a 10-15 year span.)  Are there any statistics on that subject?”

Yes, there are.

Leading Edge, a resource for leaders of healthy churches, reported the following statistics in September 2003:

*25% of US pastors have experienced a forced exit at some point in their ministry.

*33% of US churches have had a pastor leave due to a forced exit.

*62% of ousted pastors were serving a church that had forced one or more pastors to leave in the past.

And the most chilling statistic of all:

*10% of US churches have forced three or more pastors to leave in their past and are considered “repeat offenders.”

The driving force behind a pastor’s forced exit is usually a small faction inside the congregation … composed of only 3-4% of the people.

The second largest catalyst is a member of the church’s governing board.

The typical size of the small faction is 7-10 people.

Once a faction or a board forces out their pastor, they know the template and may feel free to use it on the next pastor … and the one after that.

Let’s freely acknowledge that a small percentage of pastors should leave due to heretical teaching, sexual immorality, or a criminal offense.

But in most cases, the pastor hasn’t done anything worthy of banishment.

Presuming that a pastor is innocent of any major offense, how can the people of a church that has experienced this tragedy prevent the forced exit of their next pastor?

First, identify the perpetrators by name.  A congregation needs to know the identities of those who forced their pastor to leave.  If you don’t know who did it, you won’t be able to stop them from doing it again.  This is biblical.  (Paul fingered Hymenaeus, Philetus, and Alexander the coppersmith as troublemakers, while John cast a spotlight on Diotrephes.)

Second, confront the perpetrators for their divisive actions.  Even if a congregation identifies the perpetrators, little has been accomplished if those same people are quickly placed into leadership positions.  See Titus 3:10-11.

Let me say this as emphatically as I know how: it is spiritually and morally wrong for a congregation to place people into leadership who used deception and destruction to force out the previous pastor.

If you doubt me, read the Book of Numbers sometime soon.  Moses and Aaron were frequently criticized by various leaders and factions in Israel … but God always sided with his chosen leaders and always disciplined those who attacked them.

And God never said to the perpetrators, “You know, you guys are right.  Moses shouldn’t be in leadership.  I’ll open up the earth and swallow him up … and let you guys lead Israel instead.”

In fact, in Numbers 16, God opened up the earth and swallowed the 250 people who stood with Moses’ three critics instead.

Third, prayerfully ask the perpetrators to repent for their actions.  However, this rarely happens.

I know a church where four staff members tried to force out their pastor many years ago.  The pastor threatened to expose them … and three of them quickly resigned.  (The perpetrators in such cases fear public exposure more than anything.)

About five years later, one of the four wrote the pastor a letter of apology, admitting that what he had done was wrong.  The other three?  He’s still waiting to hear from them.

I don’t know why this is, but some people demonize their pastor and then believe that they are justified using any and all means to force him to quit.

Such methodology damages more than the pastor, though: it damages a church’s soul.

Finally, realize that pastors are most vulnerable between years four and five.  Most pastors enjoy a honeymoon of a year or two when they first come to a church, especially if they don’t initiate much change.

During year three, the pastor’s critics begin to emerge.

Between years four and five of a pastor’s tenure, the pastor typically announces and promotes a specific agenda for the church’s future.  Because change provokes anxiety, some people will rebel against the pastor’s agenda.

The pastor’s critics will begin to question everything he does and says.  They will talk to others who feel the same way.  If a leader emerges, they will form a faction to take back their church.

If the pastor is a strong individual … and especially if he has board support … he will continue to communicate the direction he believes God wants him to take the church.

And this will force much if not all of the faction to leave the church.

But if the pastor collapses emotionally … or his family wilts under the pressure … or the pastor’s health is affected by the constant criticism … and especially if the board caves on him … then the pastor will choose to resign instead.

And a tiny, vocal faction will privately take credit for getting rid of their minister.

This information is contained in Carl George’s brilliant article called “The Berry Bucket Balance.”

Many years ago, I did a study of pastoral tenure in my district.  I examined the tenures of 60 pastors.

The average tenure of those pastors was 4 1/2 years … midway between years four and five.

This is a time to be hypervigilant … but an attack can come at any time.

A few years ago, I wrote my doctoral project at Fuller Seminary on church antagonism.

During my research, I analyzed five major conflicts that my church at the time had experienced over the years.

I discovered that the church’s culture was one of non-confrontation.  When people acted up … or committed evil … nobody did anything about it.

The perpetrators felt free to attack, criticize, and even destroy people because they knew that nothing would happen to them.

We have to hit this issue head-on or there will be even more repeat offender churches in the future.

Your thoughts?

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