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Using Love and Power During Conflict

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Please Comment!, tagged , , on June 23, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Every day in our culture, we hear about people who try and resolve their conflicts by using power:

*They stand in front of microphones and condemn their opponents.

*They threaten to boycott a product or a company.

*They pass resolutions criticizing a leader they don’t like.

*They even pick up guns and join an army.

These tactics have been used and abused for hundreds of years … but they’re increasingly creeping into Christian churches.

Examples:

*A faction threatens to leave their church unless the pastor does its bidding.

*A woman demands that a staff member apologize to her for a remark he made.

*A pastor emphatically states that he’ll resign unless the church board agrees with him on an issue.

*A member promises to withhold her giving as long as the youth pastor is still employed by the church.

In my view, many churchgoers … especially leaders … go to power way too soon in a conflict.

What should they do instead?

Try love.

Whenever there’s a conflict, go to love first … and only use power last.

When Jesus came to earth the first time, He came in love … as a baby.

He became human.  He gave up “the independent exercise of His divine attributes.”  He listened to people and hurt with them and restored them.

Yes, He became ticked at the Pharisees, but He didn’t destroy them.  Instead, He tried to shake them out of their complacency by telling them the truth.

He didn’t force people to receive Him as Messiah.  He gave them evidence and let them choose.

Even though Jesus had access to power on earth, He never used any power on Himself, but only to help others.

Even while being mocked on the cross, Jesus chose not to use power to retaliate against His enemies.

When Jesus came the first time, He came in love.

But when He comes the second time, He will come in power.

He will ride a white horse … brandish a sword … wear many crowns … make war against God’s enemies … and reveal Himself as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

He will impose His will upon the people of this planet and force them to say and do things they don’t want to do: “every knee will bow, every tongue confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord.”

Personally, I can’t wait for that day … but it ‘s not here yet.

I believe the pattern of Jesus’ two comings provides today’s Christians with an outstanding example.

When you’re engaged in a conflict with a leader or a group or your pastor … use love first … and power last.

Most church conflicts are resolvable when both sides use love … demonstrated by listening, understanding, kindness, compassion, and choice.

But some people become anxious … just wanting the conflict to end … and so they take a shortcut and resort to power … demonstrated by monologues, manipulation, rudeness, heartlessness, and imposition.

And when they do, they make that conflict far more resistant to resolution.

Example 1: a pastor wants the worship director to stop using a certain female vocalist because she’s living immorally.

If the pastor uses love, he’ll ask the worship director kindly but firmly to remove her until her life turns around.  This will keep the conflict at a low level.

But if the pastor uses power, he might threaten to fire the worship director unless he removes her immediately.  This will cause the worship director to respond in kind and matters may quickly escalate.

Example 2: the church board wants the pastor to give them a written report of his activities at their monthly meeting.

If the board uses love, they’ll ask the pastor for the report and explain why they’d like to have it.

If the board uses power, they’ll demand that he issue that report or they’ll all resign.

Suddenly, a low-level conflict may spiral out of control.

There are times when those in leadership positions – especially pastors and church boards – need to use their God-given authority to make decisions.

But some Christian leaders tend to bypass the love route altogether and go straight to power … and when they do, they escalate matters exponentially.

I once did a word study on the words “threat” and “threaten” in the Bible.  I couldn’t find a single instance where those words were used in a positive context.

God doesn’t want His people characterized by the power tactics of our world.  He wants us to be characterized by love in all its forms.

Did Jesus say, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you impose your will on people and threaten them?”

No, He said, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).

Let us be known by our love … even in the midst of conflict … and only use power if God has given us that right through Scripture and if His Spirit is leading us to use it.

Are you currently involved in a conflict situation at your church?

Use love first … and only go to power when it’s clear that love can’t work.

If all Christians did that, we’d resolve most conflicts … and the world would pay more attention to the gospel.

 

 

 

 

 

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One Way to Resolve Church Conflicts

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 20, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I’ve recently been doing an intensive study of Numbers 16 … the story of Korah’s rebellion against Moses and Aaron.

Korah and three of his colleagues … along with 250 community leaders … decide that they don’t want to follow Moses’ leadership anymore.

Why not?

The group approaches Moses and Aaron and says in Numbers 16:3: “You have gone too far!  The whole community is holy, every one of them, and the Lord is with them.  Why then do you set yourselves above the Lord’s assembly?”

Translation: “There is nothing special about you two leaders.  We are just as holy as you are.  So why are you always telling us what to do?  We’re not going to take it anymore!”

Moses and Aaron were old men.  It’s possible that Korah was much younger and felt he could do a better job at overseeing priestly duties than Aaron could.

But as the story proceeds, it’s obvious that God sides with Moses and Aaron and opposes the attempted coup.

Most church conflicts begin because a group inside the church believes that they know how to run the church better than the official leadership … usually the pastor.

Their attitude is, “We’re more spiritual than the pastor … we’re smarter … we’re more resourceful … we’re more in touch with the congregation … so we should be running the church rather than him!”

Whenever these conflicts arise in churches … and they arise all the time … most people miss the best way to resolve the conflict.

The question is not, “Who is best qualified to lead this church?”

The question is, “Who did God call to lead this church?”

Moses told the coalition in Numbers 16:11: “It is against the Lord that you and all your followers have banded together.”  They thought they were rebelling against two human leaders, but Moses says, “No, by rebelling against God’s leaders, you’re really rebelling against the Lord.”

Moses goes on in Numbers 16:28, “This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea.”  Then he proposes a test to determine who is on God’s side and who is not.

Early in my ministry, I inherited a church board full of wonderful men … all except for Don.

Don wanted to take our church back to the 1950s – even though it was the late 1980s – and he wanted us to reinvent ourselves into a small, Midwestern church … even though we were located in California.

I was trying to take the church forward, while he insisted we go backward.

Don had not been called by God to pastor a church … but he was called by friends to lead a rebellion.

Don had not been formally trained in biblical interpretation or pastoral ministry … but he knew something about politics and power.

Don had not been given the spiritual gifts of leadership or teaching … but he didn’t need those gifts to subvert his pastor.

Don had not been ordained to gospel ministry … but that didn’t matter to him.

Don held secret meetings … listed all my faults, including those of my wife and children … and then demanded that I resign.

The elders of Israel supported Moses and stood by him … and the elders in our church did the same.

Don’s group quickly left the church … started their own church a mile away … and used our church as their mission field.

But a year later, their church folded.

God had called Don to be a dock worker, not a pastor.

And He had called me to be a pastor, not a dock worker.

God had called Moses to lead Israel, not Korah.

And He had called Korah to be a Levite, not the leader of a nation.

Many church conflicts could be resolved if God’s people would take some time to read Scripture … do some reflection … and ask this question:

Who did God call to lead this congregation?

If the answer is Moses … follow him.

If the answer is your pastor … follow him.

But if you follow Korah … or Don … things aren’t going to work out for you … guaranteed.

All you’re going to do is hurt a lot of people … including you and your family.

If your pastor isn’t leading or preaching or pastoring like he could be … then pray for him … and love him … and listen to him … and support him … as long as he follows the Lord.

That’s far better than watching the ground open up and swallow you and your family whole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Must Pastors Be Perfect?

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 13, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Do you know any pastors personally?

If so, are you under the illusion that they’re perfect?

My grandfather … father … step-father … and father-in-law have all been pastors.

They are godly men … in my mind, even great men.

But many pastors … if not most … wish they could be perfect … and sometimes put on the façade that they are.

But there are always people around a pastor to remind him that he is very, very fallible.

During my 36 years in church ministry, I did my best to make as few mistakes as possible … but I still made my share.

Here’s the first one:

When I was 19, I was hired by my church to work with the high school and college groups over the summer.

A few days after being hired, our church held a missions conference.

The first night, a missionary showed slides of the new Bible Institute that his organization had built in India.

The missionary was quite a character.  His presentation was hilarious.  I laughed … hard … along with everybody around me.

As soon as the service was over, the Church Gestapo confronted me and said that since I was now a paid youth leader, I needed to set a better example for the young people.

I told him, “But the presentation was funny!”  He agreed … but reiterated what he said anyway.

I learned two things from that initial encounter: first, as long as I was in ministry, some people were always going to be keeping me under surveillance; second, some people weren’t going to allow me to be normal.

That puts a lot of pressure on you to meet everyone’s expectations.

Fast forward ahead 35 years.

My wife had spent five days in the hospital with great abdominal pain.  She didn’t receive a diagnosis until Friday.  It was scary … but she was going to be okay.

Our church was holding a rare Saturday morning conference.  Should I stay at home and care for my wife or attend the conference?

If I didn’t attend the conference, some people might accuse me of being unsupportive … so I went.

I felt almost giddy.  I could dress down.  I had no duties.  I could be a person.

The conference speakers were excellent.

I sat in the back, and the only person near me was a woman I’d known for years.

From time-to-time, I turned around and made little comments to her about what was being said.  It felt good to be away from the hospital.

At the break, someone came up to me and reamed me out for being rude.

To quote Yogi Berra, it was deja vu all over again.

Was I rude?  I didn’t think so at the time, but maybe I was.  I certainly didn’t mean to be.

But once again, I had that feeling that I had to be perfect every time I came within three miles of the church campus.

In his book, Leadership That Works, Leith Anderson introduces the concept of “parish poker.”  He writes:

“Becoming a pastor is like joining a poker game.  Although I am neither a gambler nor a poker player, I know that at the beginning of a game each player has a limited number of chips to play with and must use them strategically to win.”

Anderson goes on:

“Churches generally give new pastors 50 to 100 ‘chips’ to get started.  After that, they either gain chips or lose what they have, depending on how well they learn the catalog of rewards and penalties the church runs by (which, of course, no one bothered to tell the new pastor about).”

Anderson then lists various behaviors and the number of chips involved:

Preach a good sermon (+2 chips)

Preach a bad sermon (- 8 chips)

Visit sick person in hospital (+7 chips)

Sick person dies (was expected to recover) (-10 chips)

Sick person recovers (was expected to die) (+40 chips)

Bring cookies to monthly board meeting (+ 1/2 chip)

Lose temper and shout at monthly board meeting (-25 chips)

In my last ministry, I thought I had earned thousands of chips over the years, so if I made a mistake, I’d still have thousands more left … but some people insisted that if I made even one mistake, I deserved to lose all my chips.

Sometimes “parish poker” doesn’t seem fair.

Let me make three observations about pastors and perfection:

First, expect that your pastor will disappoint you somewhere along the line.

He will say something in a sermon that will make you wince … or angry.

He will make a decision you don’t agree with.

He will make an inappropriate comment to you personally … laugh about something serious … or fail to greet you while passing.

I didn’t say you had to like it … just expect it.  He isn’t an angel, so don’t idealize him.

But realize this: every other pastor is just as imperfect.

Second, if you’re really upset with him, talk to him directly.

Whenever somebody spoke with me personally about my perceived misbehavior, I tried to thank them.  It takes courage to confront your pastor.

If you do it out of anger, your pastor will invariably become defensive.

If you do it calmly and lovingly, he will hear what you’re saying much better.

Try not to come off as the Church Gestapo.  Every church has them … and every pastor runs from them.

Finally, let your pastor be a person.

I read around 75 books for my doctoral program.  One of them was called The Pastor as Person.

The basic thesis of the book was this: the pastor is a person before he is a pastor.

Many pastors forget that they’re persons.  Since so many people at church want them to be angels instead, that’s what they try to be.

But after a while, a pastor has to stop trying to be somebody else and just be himself.

If you want your pastor to be an angel, you’re being unfair.  He can’t be who you want him to be.

But if you accept the fact that he’s human … and that he gets weak and tired and frustrated and even angry at times … then you’ll be doing him a great favor.

Because the New Testament tells us that Jesus was human … that, at times, He was weak and tired and frustrated and angry … and that He was made “a little lower than the angels.”

Jesus was morally perfect.  Your pastor isn’t.

But Jesus was also a person … a human being … and He had limitations.

Just like pastors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Should Pastors Ever Defend Themselves?

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 9, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Several weeks ago, I heard a well-known pastor make this statement: “Christians should never defend themselves.”

The pastor said that when Jesus was arrested, He refused to defend Himself.

As 1 Peter 2:23 puts it: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats.  Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”

Yes, Jesus suffered unjustly.  He did not engage in self-defense when He was charged with blasphemy against Jewish law and sedition against Roman law.

But suppose that after that well-known pastor finished preaching that day, when he went back to his office, he was met by two church leaders, along with two detectives.

And then one of the detectives told that pastor, “I am arresting you on suspicion of child abuse.”

Would that pastor hire an attorney to defend him against the charges?

Would that pastor protest his innocence to church leaders and to his congregation?

Would that pastor assure his family and friends that he wasn’t guilty of the charges made against him?

The answer in each case is a resounding, “Yes!” … but didn’t he just preach that Christians … including pastors … should never defend themselves?

I’ve never been a fan of such blanket statements, and believe that they defy both Scripture and common sense.

Let me try and offer some clarity on this issue:

First, pastors need to ignore most criticisms and slanders.

Why?  Because it’s easy to become so obsessed with your critics that you can’t get anything done.

In his classic book Lectures to My Students, Charles Spurgeon provided wise counsel to young pastoral students in his matchless chapter “The Blind Eye and the Deaf Ear”:

“We would say of the general gossip of the village, and of the unadvised words of angry friends – do not hear them, or if you must hear them, do not lay them to heart, for you also have talked idly and angrily in your day, and would even now be in an awkward position if you were called to account for every word that you have spoken, even about your dearest friend.”

In Richard Foster’s book Celebration of Discipline, he writes:

“The tongue is our most powerful weapon of manipulation.  A frantic stream of words flows from us because we are in a constant process of adjusting our public image.  We fear so deeply what we think other people see in us that we talk in order to straighten out their understanding.  If I have done some wrong thing (or even some right thing that I think you may misunderstand), and discover that you know about it, I will be very tempted to help you understand my action!  Silence is one of the deepest Disciplines of the Spirit simply because it puts the stopper on all self-justification.”

When I was a young pastor, every criticism wounded me, regardless of the source.  But as I grew older … and hopefully, more mature … I learned to shrug off many comments.  I couldn’t let them divert me from what God wanted me … and our church … to be and to do.

And sometimes I would engage in self-talk and say, “Who are you to think that you can please everybody?”

Second, pastors do need to address major charges … sometimes publicly.

A megachurch pastor once told me that four of his staff members were making false accusations about him.  The four had joined forces and were hoping to push out the pastor so they could lead the church instead.

The pastor instantly called a meeting of the congregation, and when he did, three of those staff members instantly resigned … which should tell you something.

One Sunday afternoon, the pastor sat on the stage and answered question after question related to the charges and resignations of those staff members.  As I recall, the meeting lasted many hours.

The pastor was able to convince the congregation that the charges made against him were untrue, and he stayed as pastor of the church, which has since become one of America’s largest and most impactful.

If those four staff members had successfully driven their pastor from his position, where would that church be today?

And if the pastor had taken the advice, “Christians should never defend themselves,” where would he be today?

Spurgeon put it this way:

“Standing as we do in a position which makes us choice targets for the devil and his allies, our best course is to defend our innocence by our silence and leave our reputation with God.  Yet there are exceptions to this general rule.  When distinct, definite, public charges are made against a man he is bound to answer them, and answer them in the clearest and most open manner.  To decline all investigation is in such a case practically to plead guilty, and whatever may be the mode of putting it, the general public ordinarily regard a refusal to reply as a proof of guilt…. when the matter assumes more serious proportions, and our accuser defies us to a defense, we are bound to meet his charges with honest statements of fact.  In every instance counsel should be sought of the Lord as to how to deal with slanderous tongues, and in the issue innocence will be vindicated and falsehood convicted.”

In Matthew 19:17-20, Jesus told His twelve disciples that they would be brought before governors and kings and the Gentiles because of their allegiance to Jesus.  The Master said: “But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it.  At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”

Notice Jesus doesn’t tell His followers, “Don’t defend yourself and say nothing.”  Rather, He says, “The Spirit will tell you what to say when you need to say it.”  In fact, isn’t the last quarter of the Book of Acts a recounting of Paul’s attempts to defend himself against false charges?

In addition, how many times did Jesus defend Himself against charges made by the Jewish leaders of His day?  Just read John chapters 5-9 and you’ll be amazed how adamantly Jesus defends Himself and His ministry against His critics.

But when it was time for Jesus to die, He refused to defend Himself, and even though He was abused, He left His reputation in the hands of His Heavenly Father.

Whenever you hear a statement like, “Christians should never defend themselves,” stop and ask yourself, “Is that what the whole Bible teaches on the subject?”

And then imagine yourself asking the speaker: “If you were falsely accused of a major offense, would you really refuse to defend yourself at all?”

What do you think?  When should a pastor ignore any charges made against him … and when should he defend himself?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Five Safeguards for Protecting Pastors

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 6, 2014| 4 Comments »

Like you, I’ve heard a lot in the past few days about U.S. Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl.

Like you, I have some personal opinions about the wisdom of exchanging five terrorist leaders for the sergeant.

Like you, I wonder why Sgt. Bergdahl ended up being captured by the Haqqani network.

And like you, I don’t know whether Sgt. Bergdahl is guilty of desertion … or innocent … or something in between.

But I do know this: Sgt. Bergdahl has not yet told his side of the story … and until he does … we need to be very careful about making final judgments.

Why bring this up on a blog devoted to pastors and church conflict?

_______________

Several months ago, a friend and colleague sent me an email.

My friend had spent several hours with a pastor who was forced out of a church he had planted.

One of the staff members began spreading a rumor that the pastor and his wife were taking illegal drugs.

Someone called a public meeting.

When the pastor stood up to confront the charges being made about him, those who opposed him stood up and shouted, “You’re lying!”

Because they kept yelling at their pastor, he finally stopped talking and walked out of the church … and resigned soon afterward.

Satan couldn’t have planned it any better.

That pastor – and all pastors – need to be protected by the following safeguards in every church:

First, the pastor has the right to know any charges being made about him.

How many people told that pastor that people were saying he was taking illegal drugs?

My guess: few, if any.

I was recently told for the first time about a charge some people made about me 4 1/2 years ago.

The charge was 100% false, but why wasn’t I told about it sooner?  How many people believe it to this day?

And why wasn’t I ever given a chance to defend myself against that charge?

Second, the pastor has the right to meet with his accusers.

The staff member who made the accusation about drug usage needed to speak with the pastor and his wife before taking his charge to anyone else.

By taking his charge to others first, he could have ruined their reputations and careers.  What if the charge was totally false?

If a similar charge was made against a top leader in a secular corporation … and it proved to be false … the person making the charge would be dismissed and possibly sued for slander.

When people make charges against a pastor … but never make the charges to his face … they almost always exaggerate the charges.  Remember that.

Third, the pastor has the right to see any and all evidence against him.

What kind of evidence did the staff member have that the pastor and his wife were taking drugs?  Blood tests?  Photographs?  Eyewitness accounts?

Or was it all just speculation?

The pastor needed to be presented with all the evidence.

If the evidence was strong, the pastor might have privately asked for forgiveness … or gone into rehab … or resigned on his own … without involving the congregation.

But if the evidence was fabricated … or misinterpreted … then the pastor needed to be able to tell his side of the story.

Otherwise, when we don’t like a pastor, we can just manufacture lies about him, and he’ll be forced to leave … without anyone ever discovering where those lies originated.

Fourth, the pastor should never initially be confronted with a charge in public. 

Why would a staff member take a charge against his pastor public?

To embarrass him?  To humiliate him?  To use the power of the mob?

Yes, yes, and yes … but most of all, to engage in retribution.

Many of the charges that people make against pastors are really punitive in nature.

How can you tell?

Because the people making the charges never talk about restoring their pastor … or redeeming him … but only about removing him.

Where do we ever find that sentiment in the New Testament?

Finally, the pastor should be given due process whenever charges are made against him.

Many … if not most … churches lack such a process.

And even if they do have one, the process (found in church bylaws) is often ignored because people become anxious and overly-emotional.

But it’s critical that a pastor … as well as any spiritual leader … be allowed to have a hearing and tell his version of events.  Proverbs 18:17 says, “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”

When do church leaders ever question those who make charges against their pastor?

The ethos in most churches is that whenever people make accusations against a pastor, they’re almost always accurate.

But they aren’t … not by a long shot.

In the story about the pastor allegedly taking drugs, why did the pastor’s opponents shout him down when he tried to answer their charges?

Because they didn’t want their pastor to be given due process.  They had already selected themselves as judge, jury, and executioner, and in their eyes, he was guilty.

But if he had been allowed to speak, the truth would have exposed their own guilt and hatred, and they could not allow that to occur.

My prayer for churchgoers everywhere is that whenever they have concerns about their pastor’s character or behavior, they will insist on a fair process rather than immediately declare his innocence or his guilt.

_______________

I don’t know the complete truth about Sgt. Bergdahl.  Maybe nobody does right now.

But he shouldn’t be tried in the press, especially when he can’t answer the charges that people are making against him.

In the meantime, I’m going to try and keep an open mind about his guilt or innocence, especially after I read this article today from the pastor of the Bergdahl family:

Bowe Bergdahl’s Former Pastor Shares His Personal Reflections on the Recent Events

He will have his day in court.  Then we’ll find out the truth.

But please remember: neither the mainstream media … nor social media … nor your dinner table … constitute a fair and final court.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three Tips for Disagreeing with a Pastor

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on June 4, 2014| 1 Comment »

Even though the event happened thirty years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I was in my second pastorate.

As a young pastor, I was trying to put a new twist on some old practices … so one Sunday morning, I did communion differently.

I substituted pita bread for those small wafers, and used Styrofoam cups instead of the tiny plastic ones.

In my mind, it was just an experiment.

After the service, many people told me how much they enjoyed communion … especially the young couples.

As I recall, nobody voiced any objections … until the following Sunday.

At 10:55 that morning … five minutes before the service began … I stepped into the men’s room.  The church’s 77-year-old songleader joined me.

While standing where men momentarily stand, the songleader told me:

“I didn’t like the way communion was done last Sunday.”

I replied, “Well, many people told me how much they enjoyed doing communion differently.”

When I asked him why some didn’t like it, he responded, “Too unsanitary.”

And then he added, “And many people agree with me.”

I asked him, “How many?”  He replied, “Five.”

I then asked, “What are their names?”

He replied, “I’m not telling you that.”

My well-meaning friend … who has long since gone to be with Jesus … could have handled the situation much better.

In fact, let me share with you three tips for disagreeing with a pastor:

First, never confront a pastor right before or right after a worship service.

My friend had one full week to discuss his feelings with me.

He could have called me on the phone or set up an appointment.

Had he shared his concerns during the week, we could have had a relaxed discussion.

But right before a service, pastors are intensely focused on their message.  Their entire week culminates with their sermon.

Because pastors are usually sensitive individuals, one stray comment can negatively impact their feelings and thus their sermon, impacting an entire congregation.

After a pastor preaches, he’s drained … especially if he has to speak more than once.

Although pastors work hard to be gracious after they preach, they’ve emptied themselves spiritually and emotionally … and if people criticize him, his reactions can be unpredictable.

It’s far better to write the pastor an email on Monday or give him a call during the week … but let him go before and after he speaks.

Second, choose an optimal setting for dialogue.

I can’t speak for women, but men don’t have substantive conversations in a restroom.

The pastor’s study might be a good place for a discussion … or a restaurant … but not a place where men tend to get in and then get out.

I realize that some people see their pastor on a Sunday and think, “Oh, I meant to call him this past week, but he’s right there, so I’ll talk to him now.”

But the heavier the issue, the more time it requires … and the church patio is not the optimal place for discussion.

It’s better to say to the pastor, “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you this next week.  When would be the best time to talk?”

Then let the pastor tell you how to approach him … and I guarantee he’ll listen better.

Third, always speak for yourself when you have a disagreement.

My friend thought that if he told me that others agreed with him, it would add weight to his argument, but it had the opposite effect.

Because if you don’t tell me who you represent, I can’t verify the truthfulness of your claim.

All he needed to say was, “I didn’t like the way you did communion last week.”  Now the two of us can dialogue one-on-one.

But when you bring phantom individuals into the room … and you won’t tell me their names … what am I supposed to say?

“You’re right … I’ll never do that again?”

After that encounter, I learned to make an additional statement to anyone who called upon phantom witnesses:

“Please tell anyone who is upset to speak with me personally.  If they do, I promise to listen.  If they don’t, then I will assume the issue isn’t that important.”

Over the years, know how many phantom witnesses later came to me?

That’s right … not one.

That should tell you something.

Pastors are not popes or angels.  They make mistakes … and it’s all right to discuss their mistakes with them.

Just avoid sermon time, bathrooms, and phantom witnesses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why Keep Church Troublemakers?

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on May 27, 2014| 5 Comments »

Imagine that you own a business.  You have ten employees.

Because business hasn’t been going well recently, you have to lay off two workers.

Eight employees are loyal and work hard.  Two have conspired to attack you behind your back and don’t do much of anything.

Your decision is a no-brainer, right?

Now imagine that you’re a board member in a congregation of 200 adults

Ten individuals … meaning five percent of your congregation … have abused, slandered, and attacked your pastor to the point that he has resigned.

As a church leader, what are you going to do about it?

If you follow the New Testament, the decision is simple for you and your fellow board members:

Confront the troublemakers and give them a choice: either repent of your sin or leave the church.

Those who are truly spiritually-oriented will repent.  Those who aren’t will leave the church kicking and screaming … but if you mean business, they will leave.

But how often do board members confront those who pushed out their pastor?

Hardly ever.

Why not?

It could be because board members:

*don’t think the troublemakers did anything wrong.

*are afraid of the troublemakers.

*are friends with the troublemakers.

*are ignorant of the New Testament’s directives on divisive individuals.

*know the New Testament’s directives but choose to ignore them.

*leave the thankless task to an interim pastor.

*reason, “We need all the attendees, donors, and volunteers we can get … even if they are troublemakers.”

*are so exhausted after the pastor’s departure that they don’t even consider confronting anybody.

However … there is a price to be paid for failing to confront the troublemakers, and it’s a high price indeed:

Many of your church’s spiritual, healthy, and valuable people will leave.

Imagine these two scenarios:

Lisa had been away from church for years, but she came back to the Lord because of Pastor Bill.

She rarely missed his sermons … joined a small group … discovered her spiritual gifts and began serving in a ministry … and became a generous giver.

But every Sunday when she comes to church now, she sees five troublemakers sitting together, and she says to herself, “Those are the people who pushed out my pastor.”

If she confronts them, she’s liable to blow her top.  So she stays silent … and simmers … and assumes that nobody ever addressed the troublemakers.

Going to church eventually becomes such an unpleasant experience that she leaves the church for good.

Paul received emails from the troublemakers denouncing Pastor Bill on a regular basis.

At first, the notes made him feel important, but after a few weeks, they upset him and made him feel like a traitor, so he began deleting them without reading them.

But Paul knows the troublemakers were telling twisted lies about Pastor Bill, and he wonders why they seem to be immune from correction.

When it’s time for the church to vote on new board members, two troublemakers are nominated, and Paul feels sick inside.

How can he attend and support a church where the people who attacked and slandered his pastor have been placed into leadership?

So Paul slips out the back door … and never attends that church again.

Dr. Leith Anderson is one of America’s foremost pastors and thinkers.  I had the privilege of taking my last Doctor of Ministry course with him at Fuller Seminary.  In his book Leadership That Works, Anderson writes about the failure of church leaders to discipline church troublemakers:

“The result is that the church keeps the dissenters and loses the happy, healthy people to other churches.  Most healthy Christians have a time limit and a tolerance level for unchristian and unhealthy attitudes and behaviors.”

Do church leaders know that when they ignore divisive behavior they are alienating the very people they need to make their church productive?

If leaders don’t confront the troublemakers, the following things will happen:

*Church morale will plunge.

*Many of the pastor’s supporters will leave.

*Giving will take a dive.

*The church’s heart will be cut out.

*The troublemakers will stay around to cause trouble again.

*The church may never recover.

*God will withhold His blessing until the leaders do what is right.

It’s happening all over America:

When a group attacks their pastor, the troublemakers stay, and many solid Christian people leave.

Doesn’t sound like a good deal, does it?

Then why does it happen so often?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Church Where Nothing Happens

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , on May 22, 2014| 3 Comments »

Pastor Rick couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.

Steve, the board chairman at Third Church, had called to tell Rick that a group had formed inside the congregation and were making accusations against him.

Pastor Rick was stunned by the news … so stunned that he felt dazed and sick inside.

Who was in this group?  What were they saying about him?

His hand trembling as he called Steve back, Rick asked Steve those same two questions.

Steve assured his pastor, “Don’t worry.  I’ll take care of it.”

But one week later, the group had grown, and there were even more accusations.

What had Steve done to stop the carnage?

Absolutely nothing.

Pastor Rick didn’t eat.  He couldn’t sleep.  In fact, he was barely functioning.

As he answered phone calls and emails … and prepared his message for Sunday … and tried to pray … he wondered, “Who is standing against me?  And what are they saying to others?”

Rick didn’t know … and nobody was telling him anything.

When he stood up to preach the following Sunday, he momentarily surveyed the 300-strong congregation that he’d led for 12 years.

He silently asked, “Lord, which of those people is building a case against me?”

When the service was over, Rick stayed at the front to pray with people, but nobody came.

He looked around to see if he could speak with members of the board, but when he went outside, they were all gone.

What were they doing to help their pastor?

Absolutely nothing.

The church had three staff members – a full-time associate and two part-timers – and Rick decided to risk discussing matters at their regular Tuesday meeting.

He asked them if they knew anything about a group in the church that had organized to oppose him.

The associate claimed that he hadn’t heard anything.

The part-timers said that they weren’t close enough to the inner circle.

The pastor told his staff that he hoped he could count on their loyalty in case a conflict broke out.

He reminded them that his future and their futures were intertwined.

Know what the staff that Rick handpicked and championed did to support him?

Absolutely nothing.

Two nights later, the board held their regular monthly meeting.  Chairman Steve began the meeting by reading a letter from the group that opposed the pastor.

They made the following claims about Pastor Rick:

*His messages were too long, sometimes exceeding half an hour.

*He wasn’t approachable on Sundays, an indication he didn’t care about people.

*He seemed to favor the men’s ministry but neglected ministries to women and children.

*He was non-supportive of the local denominational district.

*He failed to give the associate pastor more preaching opportunities.

*He didn’t emphasize church membership enough.

When Steve was done reading the letter, he asked the pastor, “What are you going to do about these accusations?”

Rick felt blindsided … betrayed … and deeply hurt.  Was Steve agreeing with the accusations?

Rick asked, “Who signed the letter?”

It was signed by “The Group.”

In effect, this was an anonymous letter … and pastors are taught to ignore letters that aren’t signed.  (How can they respond to any allegations if they don’t know who made them?)

Rick received a sudden inspiration and asked the board, “What are you going to do about these accusations?”

Thirty seconds into Steve’s four-minute response, Rick knew the answer.

Absolutely nothing.

Two weeks after the board meeting, The Group demanded that the board call a business meeting so they could air their grievances against the pastor.

Steve consulted with the rest of the board, and they scheduled a meeting for the Sunday after Father’s Day.

The Group assigned three people to make public charges against the pastor.

But they didn’t stop with the charges in their letter.  They added many others, including personal attacks upon the pastor’s wife and two teenage children, who were present.

At his breaking point, the pastor stood up to answer the charges, but within thirty seconds, he was shouted down by members of The Group, so he and his family walked out.

Although the pastor assumed he had many friends in the congregation, what did they do to support him that Sunday afternoon?

Absolutely nothing.

The kangaroo court accomplished its purpose.  The pastor knew he couldn’t stay and subject himself and his family to any more abuse.

So he told Chairman Steve that he planned on resigning, but he wanted to know if the board would grant him a severance package.

Steve consulted with the other board members.  Even though the church had more than six figures in a reserve fund, several board members refused to use it to help their pastor support his family.

So when Rick finally resigned, what kind of monetary outlay did he receive for his dozen years of faithful service to Christ?

Absolutely nothing.

Pastor Rick resigned, his heart broken.

His wife had an emotional breakdown.

His children refused to have anything to do with church ever again.

Rick had no job prospects and no hope for the future.

This man who had been called by God to ministry … who had graduated from seminary … and who was ordained to preach the gospel … found his career obliterated.

How much had he tucked away into savings?

Absolutely nothing.

The board at Third Church met to form a search team for a new pastor.

They put together a seven-member team … including three vocal members from The Group.

Two other members from The Group became board members the following year.

And what did the board or staff or congregation do to confront or correct those unruly members?

Absolutely nothing.

The New Testament has much to say about addressing conflict from antagonistic individuals.

Paul named names (like Hymenaeus and Alexander in 1 Timothy 1:19-20).  John fingered Diotrephes (3 John 9-10).

Paul warned the church in Rome (Romans 16:17) to “watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way …”

He warned the church in Corinth in 1 Corinthians 3:16-17: “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?  If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”

He warned Titus, “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time.  After that, have nothing to do with him.  You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).

There are many other New Testament directives … addressed to church leaders and congregations alike … commanding them to confront and warn divisive individuals and groups.

What did the board do to obey these Scriptures and to protect their pastor’s reputation?

Absolutely nothing.

This church … and thousands like it … forcefully claim they believe in truth and righteousness.

They rail against lies coming from the federal government … but permit lying inside their own church.

They condemn the moral relativism of popular culture … but practice that same relativism inside their own congregation.

They preach reconciliation between God and sinners … but refuse to do anything to bring about reconciliation toward pastors they have abused and slandered.

How much blessing from God can they expect in the future?

Absolutely nothing. 

If church leaders fail to take Scripture seriously … permit malcontents to spread rumors unabated … allow their pastor to be publicly abused … refuse to give him a severance package when he’s forced to resign … and put contentious people into leadership positions … then that church is going in only one direction:

Absolutely nowhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How Does a Terminated Pastor Heal?

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Conflict with the Pastor, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , on May 19, 2014| 14 Comments »

When a pastor is forced to leave a church unjustly, how does he heal?

This is a question that I’m asked a lot … and one I wonder about myself.

Let me handle this in a question and answer format:

How do pastors feel after they’re forced to leave a church?

Abandoned.  Betrayed.  Crushed.  Devastated.  Exiled.  Forsaken.  Grief-stricken.  Hated.  Isolated.  Judged.  Kicked.  Lanced.

I’ll let you fill in the words beginning with M-Z.

Most pastors give everything they have when they serve a church, and when they’re dismissed … or forced to resign … the pain is indescribable.

It feels like your grandparents, parents, siblings, and children have all made a pact that they never want to see you again.

And in the process, you stop trusting people … and that’s understandable.  It takes time to rebuild that trust.

What kind of losses does a terminated pastor experience?

The pastor loses his job … his income … and maybe his home … which will harm his credit rating.

He loses his significance … his self-esteem and confidence … most of his church friends … and possibly his career.

And what hurts most of all is that some “Christians” are determined to ruin the pastor’s reputation through exaggeration and misinterpretation … and the pastor doesn’t know who these people are or what they’re saying.

But when he starts making contacts in the Christian community, he discovers that some Christian leaders have already heard one version of why the pastor left … the wrong version.

Six months after I’d left my previous church, I visited a denominational executive … from another denomination … and he already knew about my departure.

The Christian world is all too small.

How long does it take a pastor to heal?

It takes one to three years, depending upon several factors:

*How much abuse did the pastor receive before he finally left?

*How concerted was the effort to destroy his reputation after he left?

*How much of a severance package was the pastor given?

*How do the pastor and his family handle criticism?  (Can the pastor’s family hold him up, or does he need to hold them up?)

*What kind of a support system does the pastor have?

*What hope does the pastor have of future employment?

Why do pastors hibernate for a while after termination?

They can’t stop thinking about what happened to them.

They can’t believe the people who betrayed them.

They can’t fathom why they weren’t treated in a biblical manner.

They can’t understand how Christians could abuse and forsake their pastor.

After pastors initially experience termination, their thoughts … words … and expressions become toxic.

The pastor figures, “I’m such a wreck that nobody wants to be around me.”

Some people attempt to listen to and love the pastor, but when their efforts aren’t successful, they distance themselves from the pastor.

And the pastor feels rejected all over again.

Why don’t pastors heal more quickly?

Because the grief process works slowly.

This past weekend at Saddleback Church, Pastor Rick Warren gave a message called “How God Blesses Broken Hearts” from Matthew 5:4.  His message greatly ministered to me.  Here’s the link:

http://mediacenter.saddleback.com/mc/archives/

Pastor Rick says:

“Never minimize other’s pain.”

“Never rush people.  Pain and grief takes time.  I can’t tell you what’s the appropriate time to grieve for anything in your life.”

He said that since the suicide of his son Matthew over a year ago, he has cried every single day.

I believe that churchgoers want … and even need … their pastors to be superhuman.  When they discover that their pastor is as frail as they are in the face of loss, they feel let down … and often abandon the pastor altogether.

When I went through this experience 4 1/2 years ago, I believe that I lost friends because I didn’t become “the old Jim” fast enough.  It was painful for friends to see me in pain … but I’ve never been able to fake how I feel.

But I am eternally grateful to those few people who chose to be present … listened to my pain … and loved me anyway.

Those people will always be my real friends.

What steps can a pastor take to accelerate healing?

The following steps all have one thing in common: a pastor must humble himself before God and receive help from others … especially in the body of Christ.

Step 1: Get a physical examination.

See your doctor immediately.  Tell him what happened to you.  Anti-depressants can be a godsend.

Step 2: Contact a Christian counselor.

Only 20% of forced-out pastors seek counseling after they’ve been terminated.

Why only 20%?

Maybe the pastor doesn’t know the right counselor … but it only takes a few phone calls to find someone.

Maybe the pastor is afraid the counselor will blame him for his dismissal … but that’s highly unlikely.

Maybe the pastor is afraid of the cost … but how much is healing your soul worth?  (And most counselors will give a discount to a terminated pastor.)

After I left my last church, I saw two counselors … both women … and they were terrific.  They understood my situation because both women had been in ministry.  They provided valuable insights into congregational life and made positive suggestions for healing.

It’s the right move.

Step 3: Attend church when you feel like it.

Why not every weekend?

Because attending worship can be an incredibly painful experience for a pastor who has undergone termination.

I still have a hard time singing praise and worship songs 53 months later … and I don’t know what to do about it.

And when I listen to preaching, I need to hear someone who acknowledges and understands pain … which is why I’ve been listening to Rick Warren recently.

It’s why I sat under the teaching ministry of Don Wilson in Phoenix for 18 months.

And it’s why it’s difficult to find a church home near the community where I live.

Step 4: Spend lots of time in the Psalms and in 2 Corinthians.

David and the other psalmists openly express their feelings to God in unedited form.  I keep coming back to the Psalms constantly.

And when Paul wrote 2 Corinthians, he was defending his ministry to the church in Corinth, where he was being hypercriticized in an attempt to discredit him as an apostle.

Read these books in different versions.  I love reading them in The Message.

Find a good devotional book that deals with suffering in a realistic way as well.  I recommend Beside Still Waters by Charles Spurgeon.

Step 5: If you’re a pastor, commit your future to God.

He knows you.  He loves you.  He cares about you.

Others may have abandoned and forsaken you.  He never will.

Tell the Lord you’ll do anything He wants and you’ll go anywhere He sends.

Then follow the Spirit’s promptings.

The Spirit led me to a church in New Hampshire … for only three months … but it was just what my wife and I needed at the time.

Can God use a terminated pastor again?

The Lord used Peter in an even greater way after he denied Christ three times.

Paul was chased all over the ancient world but planted churches and wrote half the New Testament.

And Jesus was terminated on the cross … but He had a powerful post-resurrection ministry.

Yes, God can use terminated pastors again … and in an even greater way than before.

I believe the “stain” that a pastor receives after being unjustly terminated is the same stain that Jesus, Paul, Peter, and the other apostles received.

If only church search teams and denominational executives believed this.

What are your thoughts about how terminated pastors can heal?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pastors in the Crosshairs

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , on May 15, 2014| 2 Comments »

Someone is out to get your pastor.

It’s not the FBI … nor the CIA … nor the NSA … nor the IRS.

Well, maybe the IRS.

But who among all beings would like to see your pastor discouraged … depressed … and ultimately destroyed?

Answer: The devil.

Dr. Ed Murphy – and I don’t know if he’s still alive – has been one of the world’s foremost authorities on spiritual warfare for decades.

I took two classes from Dr. Murphy – one in college, another in seminary – and have had the privilege of lunching with him and consulting with him.

In 1992, Dr. Murphy published his magnum opus titled The Handbook of Spiritual Warfare.  On pages 444-445 of the book, Dr. Murphy writes about a story whose accuracy he has personally verified.  He writes:

“One of my prayer partners in the San Jose area … was flying out of San Jose.  She sat in an aisle seat.  The seat next to her was empty but the window seat was occupied by a young man.  When it was time for the stewardess to serve the meal my prayer partner accepted hers.  The young man refused, saying he was fasting.

‘I overheard you tell the stewardess you are fasting,’ my friend said.  ‘Then you must be a Christian.’

‘No, I am a Satanist,’ was the reply.

Pat was taken back by his remark.  She did not know if she should look for another seat on the plane or what!  She decided to stay where she was and engage the young man in conversation if he would.  In fact, he was quite willing to talk of his faith and witness to the power of Satan.

In the course of the conversation, Pat asked him about the specific targets of his fasting and praying.  (Such fasting and praying is a curse attempt, not humble supplication.)  He said the targets were the leading churches and pastors in the San Jose area and two leading Christian missions.  When Pat asked which missions were the targets, without hesitation he said they were Partners International and OC International [Overseas Crusades, Dr. Murphy’s organization].”

Dr. Murphy continues:

“Within the next few years a half dozen key pastors in the San Jose area fell into immorality and were removed from their churches.  Coincidence?  This had never happened before.”

I know about these situations because I lived in the San Jose area during that time.

When I began an outreach-oriented church in that area in the early 1990s, the spiritual attacks upon our church were relentless.  Without knowing it, we had moved into Satan’s territory.

The intersection where our church was located was a place where drugs were dealt and money was exchanged for sex.

In addition, during our new church’s startup phase, my family was assaulted with harassing phone calls and threats.

I consulted with Dr. Murphy about these issues, and he told me, “It sounds like someone has put a curse on you and your church.”

We persevered, and had a great ministry for years … but the spiritual attacks – mostly from outside the church – never stopped.

Based upon my nearly four decades in church ministry, let me suggest three things you can do personally to counteract Satan’s assaults on your pastor:

First, pray for your pastor … by yourself … with your family … and with other believers.

Pray for his walk with God … his family members … his leadership and teaching ministries … and his shepherding.

And when you pray for your pastor, let him know that’s what you’re doing.  I was always encouraged when someone said to me, “I’m praying for you, pastor.”

In fact, I’m still encouraged whenever that happens.

In addition, pray with your pastor spontaneously.

Pastors are constantly listening to people’s problems and asking, “Can I pray for you?”

But who ever asks their pastor, “Would it be all right if I prayed for you right now?”

You don’t have to be ordained … or know Greek … or be a spiritual giant … just obey the Spirit’s promptings.

What a blessing it is for a pastor to be the recipient of prayer!

Second, encourage your pastor verbally … especially after a message.

You might think that people are constantly telling pastors, “Wow, that was really a great message today!”

Not necessarily.

When I was a pastor, there were Sundays … sometimes a few in a row … when I didn’t hear any positive comments about a message.

It’s not that I wanted to be praised … I just wanted to know that I was effective.

If I heard from just two people that they benefited from the message, I was content … and was motivated to study hard for the next week’s sermon.

But if I didn’t hear from anybody, I’d wonder, “Is there something wrong with me that I don’t know about?”  And study would come hard that week.

Because spiritual work is usually invisible and slow, pastors can easily become discouraged when they don’t see results.

But when the people they serve say, “We’re glad you’re our pastor … we appreciate your ministry … and you’re really helping us grow” … those comments will infuse courage into a pastor … and keep the devil away.

Finally, defend your pastor when he’s absent.

If you’re with a group of people, and someone starts criticizing your pastor, suggest that the critic speak with the pastor personally … or remain silent.

Re-read that last line again.  It can be the difference between a church that splits and a church that’s healthy.

When churches split, it’s usually because churchgoers consistently talk about their pastor with others until a faction/mob forms and assaults the pastor in some fashion.

When churches are healthy, churchgoers insist that those who are upset with their pastor personally speak with him directly.

Whose job is it to keep a church healthy?

It’s the job of every person who calls that church home.

And what’s the primary way to turn a healthy church into a dysfunctional mess?

Attack the pastor … or stand idly by while others attack him.

As your pastor goes, so goes your church.

And if your pastor leaves, others will leave with him.

That’s what Satan wants.

What do you want?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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