How would you like to receive top-notch training from an expert you respect and admire?
That’s what happened to me last week when I flew to Minneapolis and received 14 hours of training in church conflict from veteran congregational consultant Peter Steinke. He’s the author of several books, including Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, one of my top five favorite books on church conflict.
Steinke has engaged in congregational interventions over 27 years. He’s been involved with 217 churches/Christian entities encompassing 16 states and 8 denominations.
And from his experiences working with churches, he’s created a process for helping churches in crisis called Bridgebuilder.
Steinke presented case studies … worked his way creatively through a syllabus … and made lots of offhand remarks, many of which I wrote down verbatim.
Here are ten insights concerning church conflict that I found fascinating and that I thought you might benefit from. They aren’t in any particular order.
Insight #1: “When you replace a music director, you sign your death warrant.”
Why is this? Because many people become emotionally attached to the staffer who leads them to God’s throne in worship.
And if a pastor or a board tries to force out that person and put someone else in their place, things can become very unpredictable.
Insight #2: “People engage in sabotage when they are losing control.”
How many times have you witnessed this experience?
A board member … staff member … key leader … or opinion maker is unhappy with a decision made by the pastor. The pastor meets with them … listens to their concerns … explains his position … and concludes the meeting in prayer.
Then that unhappy person immediately goes out and begins to undermine the pastor using threats, demands, and complaints.
Why?
Because the pastor seems to be in control … and the discontented person senses they’re not.
Insight #3: “Getting rid of a pastor won’t solve the [presenting] problem. The problem is within the system.”
It is common for some people in a church to think, “We’re having problems because of our pastor. If we get rid of him, this church will be far better off.”
This kind of thinking … borne out of anxiety … is counterproductive. Many churches have built-in patterns that cause them to go off the tracks. Those issues must be identified, faced, and resolved.
But if they aren’t, the next pastor … and the next one … and the next … may all be sent packing because the real issues haven’t been addressed.
Insight #4: “Peace is often preferred over justice.”
During a conflict situation, churchgoers just want the conflict to end, even if the pastor … staff members … or others are treated shabbily.
The mature congregation says, “We’re going to aim for justice, so we’re going to devise a process, take some time, and handle this wisely.”
The immature congregation says, “We just want peace, so we’re going to ignore processes, take shortcuts, and get this over with quickly.”
Insight #5: “It’s better for people to leave than go underground.”
When a major conflict surfaces in a church, there are going to be losses in attendance and donations and volunteers, no matter which choices are made.
When people leave the church for good, there is closure for everyone involved, painful though it may be.
But when people start meeting and plotting in secret, they’re prolonging and intensifying the conflict … and there’s going to be some form of implosion.
Insight #6: “The consultant is responsible for the process, not the outcome.”
Steinke says that when prospective congregations ask him about his success rate with interventions, he answers, “100%.”
He believes he’s been successful when he works the process he’s devised, which is his responsibility.
But the outcome of his intervention? That’s the responsibility of the congregation and its leaders.
For this reason, he doesn’t make recommendations to churches in conflict, but gets them to make their own recommendations.
Insight #7: “The top trigger for conflict is money.”
Steinke says these are the top 7 triggers for conflict in churches: money, sex, pastor’s leadership style, lay leadership style, staff conflict, major traumas/transitions, the change process.
Just my own observation: when money becomes the bottom line in a church, it becomes an idol, and God is relegated to second or seventh or tenth place.
But when God is first, money takes its rightful place.
But when giving goes down … or doesn’t meet budget … some leaders/people become anxious, and instead of turning to God, they try and control the money even more.
The result?
Conflict.
Insight #8: Conflicts in churches increasingly revolve around the change process.
Steinke said that 42 of the last 47 interventions he’s done … nearly 90% … have to do with change.
Many pastors feel that all they have to do is announce a change and it will automatically happen. Once they’re convinced, they assume others will be as well.
But people need time to process change … ask questions … share feelings … and seek clarification.
When they’re not given those opportunities … conflict results.
Insight #9: During public meetings, there will be no verbal attacking, blaming, or abusing of others tolerated.
During his interventions, Steinke gives church attendees opportunities to speak publicly about how they feel about the conflict.
But they are not allowed to begin their sentences with “You,” but must make “I” statements instead.
If people violate this rule, Steinke reiterates it and expects people to abide by it.
If only we’d had this rule during all those business meetings my churches had over the years …
Insight #10: The consultant focuses on working the process, not on changing others, alleviating their anxiety, or giving them answers.
When Steinke goes into a church situation, he focuses on his role and reactions, not those of others. He tries to remain a “non-anxious presence.”
Once again, the consultant’s job is not to analyze the church and fix everything, but to work a predetermined process that causes a church’s members to discuss and affect their own outcome.
After attending Bridgebuilder, I am now qualified to offer it to congregations in conflict. If you know a church that might benefit from this process, please send them my way.
Thank you!









Emotional Reactivity in the Church
Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged anxiety in churches, confronting a pastor, correcting a pastor, emotional reactivity in churches on September 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »
You’re in the fast lane on the freeway.
A car going 25 mph faster than you’re going crosses four lanes and cuts in front of you, forcing you to brake suddenly.
You’re rightfully furious.
How should you handle things?
You’re walking around at home without shoes.
You accidentally stub your toe on an immovable bookcase.
You’re in mortal pain.
How should you handle things?
You’re sitting in a worship service waiting for the pastor to begin preaching.
The pastor announces that a staff member … a close friend of yours … has resigned.
You’re positive she was forced out … and you’re angry.
How should you handle things?
The typical way we humans handle anxiety is to react emotionally.
We swear at the driver who cut us off.
We scream when we stub our toe.
We blurt out, “Noooooooo!” when our friend resigns.
We react automatically … instinctively … reflexively … and immediately.
And often … mindlessly.
God has wired us for self-preservation, so when we feel threatened, or sense that an injustice has been done, we act naturally … and sometimes foolishly.
Several weeks ago, an 18-year-old young man was shot and killed by a policeman in Ferguson, Missouri.
Many local residents reacted by protesting and marching … but some … including members of the press … pronounced the policeman guilty even though they have no idea what really happened.
The American justice system does not permit citizens to take justice into their own hands, and for good reason. Better to let a grand jury hear the evidence and return with a possible indictment several months later.
Why?
Because when we’re emotionally reactive, we can’t think straight. We’re focused on the way we and others feel. We’re not thinking process … we’re thinking relief.
And reactivity usually leads to greater reactivity … and that’s how wars start.
Several weeks ago, I attended a training session for Bridgebuilder, a church conflict intervention process designed by Dr. Peter Steinke.
During the course of the training, Dr. Steinke made two observations that especially intrigued me.
Observation #1: Steinke said that when a pastor is doing something that bothers or upsets church decision makers, the pastor needs to be confronted and given time to make changes.
(This does not refer to heresy, sexual immorality, or a felony).
How much time?
Steinke says the pastor should be given 12 to 15 months to make changes, and if he hasn’t made them by then, he should be asked to resign.
But in evangelical circles, pastors are often fired outright or asked for their resignation without any kind of formal confrontation and without any corrective process.
Why does this occur so often?
Because the governing leaders … sometimes in collaboration with staff members and/or a faction … can’t tolerate their anxiety.
So they resort to emotional reactivity, and then they’re shocked when the pastor protests his dismissal, or the pastor’s supporters become angry and leave the church en masse.
And when this happens, those same leaders often resort to lying to cover up their mistakes … and to scapegoat the departing pastor.
If the governing leaders of your church want to blow it to smithereens, then force out the pastor without speaking to him directly and without using any kind of deliberate process.
It’s guaranteed: the emotional reactivity of the governing leaders will lead to emotional reactivity in others … and negatively impact your church for years.
Observation #2: Steinke says that when a church is in conflict, he recommends that they engage in a 2-4 month process to work through the issues … which is what Bridgebuilder is all about.
Rather than making instant decisions that will harm many people, it’s crucial that God’s people take time to move from emotional reactivity to rational reflection … as hard as that process may be.
Seventeen years ago, I was pastoring a fantastic church. Over the previous five years, we had experienced virtually no internal conflict. If people didn’t like something, they just left.
But we eventually had to move our Sunday service from one location to another five miles away, and in the process, we lost 1/3 of our congregation … and their donations … overnight.
The stress started taking its toll on several leaders who were involved with finances. A key couple left the church, and soon after, another key couple stayed home one Sunday, which they didn’t normally do.
The uncertainty of our situation made me extremely anxious. Was our congregation about to unravel?
I confided in a wise Christian leader, and he told me, “Jim, it’s too soon to know what’s going to happen. You need to let this play out.”
He was right. The more anxiety I demonstrated, the more anxious I made everybody else.
If you’re experiencing conflict in your church … your workplace … or your home … there are two ways you can manage matters.
You can react instinctively … move quickly … and try and find instant relief.
Or you can respond wisely … devise a deliberate process … and work the process until most people agree upon solutions.
The arrest … trials … passion … and crucifixion of Jesus took less than a total of ten hours. Those who executed Jesus have been castigated and pilloried for twenty centuries.
If the Jewish and Roman authorities had taken more time, would they be viewed any differently by history?
Think about it.
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