Imagine that you have a friend who is married and has two kids.
She’s been struggling with her marriage, and one day, she tells you that she and her husband have separated.
She proceeds to tell you – in great detail – why her husband is 100% to blame for their failed relationship and why she has done everything right … and nothing wrong.
You want to support your friend … to listen to her pain, and be a safe person, and gently offer her advice … but you also know that she’s responsible for at least some of the problems in her marriage.
Here’s your dilemma:
Do you become so empathetic that you side with her completely? (“You should never have married him, he’s a selfish pig, and you deserve full custody of the children.”)
Or do you share with her biblical principles of marriage? (“Marriage is for life, you lack biblical grounds for divorce, and the right counselor could help you both rekindle your old flame.”)
As a pastor, I actually relished most forms of counseling … all except marriage counseling. I discovered that:
*I rarely sensed I was getting the real story from either partner until the third or fifth or seventh session … by which time one or both of them had already quit.
*I couldn’t watch their real-life interaction at home (like Jo, the British nanny, did with parent-child situations on TV).
*I sometimes suspected that one partner was mostly responsible for the mess … until I spoke with the other partner.
*I couldn’t form an alliance with either one … I had to be on the side of their marriage instead.
Now let’s apply these ideas to conflicts at church.
*It’s hard to get the real story about a conflict at times. If you talk to the pastor, you’ll get one story … and if you talk to the pastor’s detractors, you’ll hear another story.
It’s okay to remain friends with one or both parties during a conflict. Just realize that if you only hear one side, you’ve chosen friends over principles … and when you do that, you’ve lost all objectivity.
*It’s unlikely you’ll be able to watch any real life interaction between the pastor and his detractors. Most conflicts happen behind closed doors during board meetings or staff meetings … or after those meetings in parking lots or corners of the church campus.
Most people – especially church leaders – are on their best behavior in public.
Because you can’t witness any conflicts yourself, be careful about publicly taking sides just because one party is a better friend than the other. You can’t be 100% certain you know what’s happening.
*Be careful about blaming everything on one party … usually the one you like least.
This is a trap.
I have been a Los Angeles Lakers fan for almost 50 years. While I deplore their recent trend toward thuggery, I remain a loyal adherent of the team.
Sometimes I’ll watch a game, and I’ll see a player on the Lakers take an elbow or a punch from an opposing player … and my first reaction is, “Throw that guy out, ref!”
Then the TV people show the replay, and I’ll notice that my guy threw the first elbow, or pushed his opponent hard, or was guilty of a flagrant foul … or flopped unnecessarily.
I love my team, but come on … sometimes both parties are guilty … although one may bear more responsibility than the other.
Wouldn’t it be great to have instant replay in church settings?
*Instead of backing one party 100%, isn’t it better to be on the side of truth and righteousness?
So let’s say you’re in a church, and a conflict breaks out between the pastor and a small group of detractors.
Resolve that:
*because you don’t know the full story, and …
*you can’t witness their interactions (or lack thereof) …
*you won’t blame the conflict totally on one party, and …
*you will lobby for the truth to emerge and for righteousness to prevail.
If someone tries to draft you to be on their side in a conflict, simply state:
“I love all the parties involved and wish them well. But I really don’t know the full truth about this conflict, so I’m not going to take sides at this time. Instead, I will take the side of truth and righteousness, and I will suspend final judgment until I have all the facts.”
We all want to be loyal companions, but sometimes … as Jesus reminds us … we need to risk appearing disloyal to our loved ones so we can be loyal to greater principles.
I once witnessed a major conflict involving a pastor where sides were quickly chosen up. You were either for the pastor or against him … there was no middle ground.
I did my best to point people to biblical truth during the whole sad situation. While I had feelings about what was happening, I tried to be an advocate for higher principles … even though some of my friends wanted me to take their side.
Once we choose sides, we want to win … and we want the other side to lose.
There are times when one side is clearly in the wrong and the other is clearly in the right … but even then, we want to make decisions on the basis of principles, not personalities.
How do you feel about this issue?
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Contrasting Leaders with Teachers
June 27, 2012 by Jim Meyer
Who is your political hero?
George Washington? Abraham Lincoln? JFK? Ronald Reagan? Barack Obama?
My personal favorite among politicians is former British prime minister Winston Churchill, who saved the West from the iron will and evil intentions of Adolph Hitler.
At Churchill’s Family Gravesite, Bladon Churchyard, England
After being in political exile for years, England turned to Churchill to prevent Hitler from overtaking Great Britain during the Second World War. Churchill’s expert leadership behind-the-scenes, coupled with his fierce and inspiring speeches in public, rallied the spirit of the British people to defeat German’s Fuhrer.
Entrance to Churchill’s Underground War Rooms, London
Churchill was both a great leader and a great communicator … but such greatness is uncommon.
Churchill Statue in Parliament Square, London
Most people are either gifted leaders or gifted teachers, not both.
Let me contrast the two groups in three ways:
First, leaders tend to see the future clearly, while teachers tend to see the past clearly.
When George H. W. Bush was President, he confessed he had trouble with “the vision thing.” He wasn’t sure where he wanted to take the country, but Bill Clinton was sure, and defeated Bush for President in 1992.
Leaders have to be able to see the future clearly and describe it to others.
By contrast, teachers see the past clearly and can accurately describe its lessons.
I have always had trouble envisioning the future. As a leader, I shied away from 5-year plans because they were illusory to me. I usually knew the next thing to do … but not necessarily the next thing after that.
But the past … that’s very real to me. For many of the special experiences in my life, I can recall the date, the place, the weather, the people involved … all kinds of stuff.
For example, I remember when Nolan Ryan set the all-time season strikeout record. It happened on a Thursday night in September 1973. The Angels played the Twins in Anaheim. Going into the game, Ryan had 367 strikeouts … and was trying to beat the all-time record of 382 set by Sandy Koufax in 1965. After 9 innings, Ryan had 15 strikeouts (tying the record), but the game itself was tied. Ryan couldn’t get that last strikeout in the 10th inning, and with two outs in the 11th, he still didn’t have it. In fact, he was laboring with each pitch. But he struck out Rich Reese of the Twins on a very high fastball for Number 383.
How do I remember all that? I was there … with some friends … sitting in the upper deck down the left field line. That event occurred 39 years ago … but I remember it like it was yesterday. That memory seems unremarkable to me, but others have told me they’re amazed I can recall those things.
But it’s natural for a teacher.
Second, leaders tend to work with groups, while teachers tend to work alone.
I once heard Pastor Bill Hybels describe ten types of leaders. He said the leaders who build the big churches are the kind of leaders who can put teams together quickly. They recruit people, give them a charter, and turn them loose … and then do it again … and again … and again.
The best leaders like being with people. They feed off their energy and ideas.
By contrast, teachers prefer to work alone. They like to reflect, and do research, and write … and then march into a classroom or worship center and speak to a group on their own … without assistance.
Here’s the perfect day in my work life:
It’s raining and I’m confined to my study. I comb my bookshelves for relevant books on a passage or topic and pull out 15 of them. Slowly and methodically, I read sections of each book … not to steal what someone else has written, but to stimulate my own thinking. Without effort, an outline begins to form in my head. I put it on paper and begin to work it over.
While that process is happening, I don’t want anybody to interrupt me. It’s just me and God and the books and some ideas.
Heaven.
That’s the reseach end … but I also love delivering the message to a group of people … especially if we can enjoy interaction. However, without the research, the teaching time isn’t nearly as much fun … or productive.
Third, leaders tend to be repetitive, but teachers like to say things once.
I remember learning that churchgoers need to be reminded of a pastor’s vision every thirty days. The pastor needs to remind people … over and over again … why that church exists and where it’s going.
The leader may do this in a variety of ways … like slogans, symbols, stories … but he has to remind people constantly why the church is doing what it’s doing.
By contrast, teachers hate saying the same thing over and over. The repetition bores them.
Teachers like to keep truth fresh … illustrating and applying it in countless ways.
Recently I engaged in a painful activity: I re-read some sermons I preached a few years back.
When a message was good, it was full of fresh stories and thoughts.
When a message wasn’t very good, I was overly repetitive and predictable.
An effective leader needs to be repetitive, but an effective teacher longs to be original.
Jesus was both a great leader and a master teacher. He led His disciples while teaching the masses. He combined the two disciplines better than anyone who has ever lived.
So remember … your pastor is probably a gifted leader or a gifted teacher … and he gravitates toward the one he does best.
And he’ll probably receive far more criticism in his non-gifted area.
So if you think he falls short in one area, cut him some slack.
Because not all great leaders are great teachers … and not all great teachers are great leaders.
While you can usually tell if someone is a great teacher right away, the fruit of leadership only happens long-term.
What are your thoughts on these two disciplines?
Class dismissed!
Share this:
Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Please Comment! | 2 Comments »