Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Following a Successful Leader

May 18, 2011 by Jim Meyer

“Never follow someone successful.”

That advice was given to me and seven of my classmates when I took a class on managing church conflict in seminary.  Our instructor was a retired army colonel who seemed to know what he was talking about.

I learned this the hard way at the last church where I was a youth pastor.

The previous youth pastor (let’s call him Bob) was a friend of mine who was moving to another state to complete seminary.  We had known each other off and on for quite a while.  As I recall, he had a hand in recommending me to be his successor.

I had many friends in that church already.  The search team was very positive toward me.  It seemed like a good fit.

But after Bob left, I was unaware of the affection that the adult leaders and the young people had for him.  Some of them practically worshiped him.  One girl told me, “I feel sorry for you.”  An adult leader told me, “You’re just so … different” – implying that there was something wrong with me.  There were even signs of rebellion among the ranks.

Since I had never been through this experience before, I began to feel tinges of jealousy toward Bob.  I didn’t really know why he was viewed as being godlike and why I was held in contempt by certain people.

One Christmas, Bob came home from school and was scheduled to speak on a Sunday morning.  You would have thought that Jesus was appearing live on stage.  There was a buzz throughout the campus that day that I didn’t know how to handle.

Years later, Bob and I got together for a meal, and I told him about his near-saint status inside the church and what a challenge that was for me.  We both had a good laugh about it.

But I wasn’t laughing at the time.

However, I learned some valuable lessons through that experience that I couldn’t have learned any other way.  How can a Christian leader stay sane when following someone successful?

First, realize some people grieve the loss of a spiritual leader for a long time.  I had a youth pastor that I greatly admired when I was at Biola.  Since he was in seminary, sometimes we’d ride back to the church together after school.  I could talk to him for hours.  He was smart, human, and funny – and he knew his Bible well.  I picked his brain about everything.  (One time, we tossed a Frisbee down the center aisle of the church while talking.  Then I went up to the balcony and tried to throw the Frisbee into the baptistry.  We called our game BapFrisbee.)

My youth pastor meant the world to me.  When he graduated from seminary and took a church in Colorado, it hurt – a lot.  He was my spiritual mentor, my go-to guy when I got stuck in life.

Darrell, I will never, ever forget you.  Without you, I would probably still be flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Although I became the church’s youth pastor after Darrell left, I never felt any sense of competition toward him.  As far as I was concerned, he could do no wrong.

And that’s how many of the kids felt about Bob.  He had taught them God’s Word, played crazy games with them, led them to Christ, and listened to their problems.  He had earned the right to be greatly loved over time, while I had not.  I slowly began to understand why they felt the way they did about him.

Second, determine to be yourself.  Bob couldn’t be me, and I couldn’t be Bob.  We were completely different individuals.  But I think it was difficult for some people to see that.

After a while, Bob became predictable to the adult youth leaders and the kids.  They learned to understand his humor.  They could tell when he was upset.  They became accustomed to his teaching style.  And then all of a sudden, Bob was gone, and I was taking his place.  At first, I wasn’t predictable.  My personality, leadership style, and methodology weren’t better or worse than Bob’s – just different.  Some people were just off balance around me.  While that bothered me, I couldn’t be a Bob clone.

There were times during the first year after Bob left when I just wanted to quit.  But slowly, changes began to occur because …

Third, expect that as a new leader, you will gain new followers.  Some of Bob’s biggest supporters gradually dropped out, moved away, or left the church, so they weren’t around forever.  And some of the new Jr. High kids didn’t really know Bob at all, so I was their first youth pastor.  Then some new students came to the church, and I instantly became their youth leader as well.

There was a group of high school and college guys in that church that I really loved.  We played sports and went to ballgames together.  They meant so much to me.  Some of us became friends for life.

I learned that youth groups, like churches, never remain static.  They are constantly turning over, maybe 10-20% per year.  If a leader just hangs in there, most of his opposition will eventually leave – and most newcomers will become supportive.  The process just takes time.

Fourth, pave the way so someone can succeed you.  When I finally left my last youth pastorate after 3 1/2 years, I truly loved the adult leaders and the students.  My wife and I sensed a great outpouring of love as we prepared to move to Northern California, a response we couldn’t have envisioned just three years before when I was chasing a ghost.

Now someone had to follow me.

So on my last Sunday, I took a few minutes to encourage the congregation to love my successor the way they had loved me.  I didn’t want anyone to go through the hell that I had gone through.

I learned a lot about following someone successful, so much so that those lessons have stayed with me for the rest of my ministry.  And I especially learned this lesson:

If they loved your predecessor, most people will gradually come to love you.

Finally, remember John 3:30.  For a few months, John the Baptist was the biggest star in all of Israel.  His appearance became iconic.  His preaching drew crowds.  His message sparked debates.  Arising out of nowhere, John had become THE MAN in the land.

And then Jesus came along.

Suddenly, the crowds left John and began following Jesus.  It would have hurt a lesser man.

Someone told me recently about a man who succeeded a well-known Bible teacher as pastor.  This Bible teacher had his own unique speaking and writing style that endeared him to thousands.  I have many of his books and once subscribed to his messages on cassette.  He would have been a tough act for anyone to follow.  After a few years, his successor resigned and became very upset about the way he was treated.

I can understand why he might have felt that way.  It’s unfair to be compared to someone else when you’re just trying to be yourself.

But remarkably, John adopted an alternative viewpoint.

John knew his role.  It wasn’t to be the Messiah.  It was to pave the way for Israel’s Messiah.  When the crowds left John and followed Jesus, John didn’t become jealous because that was the plan all along.

In John 3:30, John said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.”

Those are the best words I’ve ever run across for dealing with the whole predecessor-successor thing.  There’s a time for me to be in the spotlight followed by a time when the spotlight needs to shine on someone else.  Only a narcissist would insist that the spotlight shine on him forever.

But John was far from a narcissist.  He was truly humble in the best sense of the word.

In essence, John said, “Who gives a rip what people think about me?  I only care what people think about Jesus.”

I was once in a church where there was a little plaque fastened to the pulpit where only the preacher could see it.  It served as a reminder why we were all there in the first place.

The plaque said simply, “Sir, We Must See Jesus.”

I couldn’t say it any better myself.

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories | 2 Comments »

A View from the Pew

May 16, 2011 by Jim Meyer

Over the past sixteen months, my wife and I have been visiting various churches in the greater Phoenix area.  For ten of those months, we’ve been attending CCV – Christ’s Church of the Valley – a mega church in the northern Peoria area.  CCV knows what they’re doing and does it all extremely well.  We love everything about the church and try not to compare it to other churches that we visit from time-to-time – but sometimes, it’s hard not to do so.

Since all of my pastoring has been done in small and medium-sized churches, I understand them very well and have a good idea of what they need to do to reach the next level.  As Rick Warren is fond of saying, it’s harder for a church to go from 100 to 300 in attendance than it is for that same church to go from 1,000 to 3,000.

Let me share with you five ways that a smaller or medium-sized church can make some simple improvements that will help them reach more people for Jesus.  This is not intended as an exhaustive list but just some things I’ve been noticing recently:

First, station greeters outside from the parking area into the worship center.  Kim and I visited a medium-sized church yesterday and no one said anything to us until a woman gave us our bulletin at the door.  Then after we sat down, the pastor’s wife came and said hi to us.  But we would have felt much more comfortable with a greeting and a handshake before we got to the door.  Even though I’ve been a pastor for eons, I still feel nervous walking up to a new church for the first time.  Strategically-placed greeters help alleviate that anxiety more quickly, and a host of good things happen with guests once they relax.  CCV does this expertly.  We’re greeted by five or six people before we even get to the lobby.

However, these greeters need to just say “hi” or “it’s a great day” or “welcome to our church” rather than do any prying.  Whenever people ask our names, they love to say, “Oh, Jim and Kim!  That rhymes!”  A staff member at a church recently went on-and-on asking Kim about herself and he was practically hyper-ventilating in the process.  “It’s SO GOOD to have you today.  We hope you’ll come back and see us again SOON!”  We couldn’t leave that guy fast enough.

Second, do whatever it takes to have outstanding music.  If I were starting a church, the first person I would hire would be a worship director who could attract people who could sing and play well.  We live in the American Idol age where everybody expects great music and everybody thinks like a critic.  If the music isn’t good, people cringe.  If it is, they relax and might sing.  From what I’ve been noticing, the better the music is, the more the people in the congregation sing.

I realize that there will be days when the music director is gone and the quality of the music will suffer.  But this just argues for the importance of having a deep bench.  At CCV, they rotate the worship leaders, the band members, and the vocalists and spread them all over the stage – but they always have at least two guitars.  Kim and I recently visited a church where the band used a keyboard, drums, and a bass guitar but didn’t have any guitars – and I cringed all through the worship time.

Third, the service can run between 60 and 75 minutes but not too much longer.  If a church is trying to reach Christians, then a service can go on for hours.  But if you’re trying to reach unbelievers, 60 minutes is best, and 75 minutes is as long as you can go if the service is good.

The last two churches that we visited had services that both went 90 minutes.  Again, that’s fine for the people who go there, but if a church wants to grow, it needs to tighten up the service, especially the transitions.  At CCV, every service lasts exactly one hour and you’re left wanting more.

Fourth, avoid mentioning the denomination during the service.  We live in a post-denominational age where people care much more about the quality of the local church they attend and far less about the affiliations that church has with headquarters.  At a service we recently attended, several of the announcements specifically mentioned denominational doings.  Because we aren’t a part of that denomination, the references made us feel like outsiders.

I have a theory: the better a church is doing, the less it mentions its demonination, and the worse its doing, the more it mentions it.  (Or the worse a denomination is doing, the more it asks its constituent churches to promote it.)  Think about it.

Finally, tell us what the Bible means.  Decades ago, I learned this little truth: there is one accurate interpretation of a biblical passage, but scores of personal applications.  One interpretation, many applications.  When the Holy Spirit inspired the authors of Scripture, He did so with a single intent in mind.  John 3:16 doesn’t mean whatever you want it to mean.  It means whatever John – as inspired by the Spirit – meant it to mean.  When I study a passage, it’s not my job to impose my own views on it (called eisegesis) but to take out of the passage what is actually there (called exegesis).

Let me give you an example.  In Revelation 3:20, Jesus spoke these familiar words: “Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.”  Who is Jesus talking to in context?  Many people believe that Jesus is encouraging unbelievers to open the door of their lives and let Him be their Lord and Savior.  But Jesus is speaking to “those whom I love” and those whom “I rebuke and discipline” (verse 19) instead.  In other words, Jesus is talking here to believers, not unbelievers – and specificially to believers who have shut Him out of their lives.

We can’t twist Scripture into saying what we want it to say.  It’s our job to discern and discover what the Spirit meant by a passage and only then to apply it to our lives.

Why bring this up?  Because we’re living in a day where too many preachers are coming up with their own thoughts and then scouring the Bible for support.  And in the process, we’re getting borderline heresies and novel teachings that make the teacher famous but cause God’s people to starve spiritually.

The first four ideas above are just my ideas.  Feel free to disagree with them.  Better yet, prove me wrong.  But the last idea is non-negotiable.  Surrender that idea and we’re going to have syncretistic Christianity – and we’re already headed in that direction because many pastors only preach what’s culturally acceptable so they can stay popular.

That’s why Jeremiah is my favorite prophet.  He told the Lord, “Ah, Sovereign Lord, I do not know how to speak.  I am only a child.”  The Lord replied, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’  You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.  Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you.”  After touching Jeremiah’s mouth, the Lord told him, “Now, I have put my words in your mouth.  See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

Talk about an impossible assignment!  It’s far easier to build and to plant than it is to uproot and tear down.  But Jeremiah was faithful, and he got a book in the Bible for his trouble.

And that’s where I’m headed right now – to Jeremiah 32.  This is “A View from the Pew” signing off.

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, Please Comment! | 2 Comments »

Enraptured

May 13, 2011 by Jim Meyer

This morning, I drove out to Surprise for my monthly chiropractic appointment.  While listening to the Nearly Famous Barry Young Show, the host happened to mention the advertised date for the rapture: May 21.  While I was laying on the chiropractor’s table, her assistant also mentioned the Judgment Day date independently of anything I said.  He said that in his town of Wickenburg, there are billboards touting the May 21 date.  Maybe you’ve seen a few of them yourself.

Why do Christian leaders feel the need to make ridiculous predictions like these?

I’ve heard about the rapture since I was a teenager.  When I was 16, one of my Bible study teachers predicted that Jesus would come back within five years.  Jesus didn’t come.

Years ago, I received a booklet in the mail entitled 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will be in 1988.  I looked at a few of the reasons and remained unconvinced.  The booklet was written by a man I had never heard of and wish not to remember.  Jesus didn’t come.

I believe in the rapture as taught in 1 Corinthians 15:51-52 and 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.  It would be wonderful if I was alive when it happens … but I’m not counting on it.

Many years ago, I was invited to teach on a radio program called “The Pastor’s Study.”  I was given some instructions and dutifully showed up in time to tape the show at station headquarters.  I spoke into a microphone for five minutes each time and talked about holiness.  When I was done with the broadcast, I left.

A while later, I was invited back.  When I was done with my talks, I was invited to tour the facilities, and I was taken aback by the reach that this particular radio station had all over the world.  When I was ready to leave, my hostess said, “And that’s Dr. Camping’s office over there.”

I thought to myself, “Camping?  Harold Camping?  I’ve been taping a show on Harold Camping’s radio station?”

Maybe I should have done some research before agreeing to do the show.

Two weeks later, I received a letter in the mail that “The Pastor’s Study” radio show had been discontinued.  I never did find out if the whole show was cancelled or just my talks, but evidently I did something wrong, although I have no idea what it was.

Harold Camping is a strange guy.  He’s almost ninety.  Many months ago, I was doing some channel surfing in a hotel room, and I stumbled upon a man sitting in a chair talking softly to the camera.  This man did some Bible teaching and then took questions from callers.  There was nothing really special about his manner or his answers.  I later found out it was Camping.  Later that day, he spoke at a church service in a school, and that service was broadcast as well.  As the camera scanned the room, I don’t think there were as many as 100 people present.  Harold Camping dominated an entire television channel but I couldn’t figure out why!

Camping has declared that the Church Age is over and that God no longer saves people primarily through a local church.  Since he owns a big radio station, I assume it’s okay for God to save people through the use of radio waves.  But how possible is it that Camping believes the Church Age is over because his church ministry has become relatively insignificant?

Harold Camping is not a biblical scholar.  He has a Civil Engineering degree from the University of California at Berkeley but not from any recognized Christian school of higher learning.  He is not an ordained minister.  While he may know what the Bible says, that does not automatically mean he knows what the Bible means.  He predicted Jesus would return in 1994, and when that didn’t happen, his followers should have walked away from him for being a false prophet.  While some have, others have still chosen to follow him.

So is Jesus coming back on May 21?  Yes, there are lots of earthquakes, and yes, there are false Messiahs, and yes, Israel is back in the land.  But that doesn’t mean that Jesus is coming back on May 21 or this year or even this century.  While I hope He returns today, He may not return for a long, long time.

Just remember:

First, Jesus will return when He deems it right.  He is not obligated by our anxiety, our timetables, or our predictions.  When the disciples asked Jesus right before His ascension if He was going to restore the kingdom to Israel, Jesus responded in Acts 1:7-8, “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.  But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses …”  In other words, Jesus told His closest followers that they were not to pour their energies into figuring out when He was going to return.  They were to occupy their time with sharing the gospel instead.

Second, setting dates for Christ’s return discredits the date-setter – and sometimes the gospel.  How many times throughout history have Christians predicted Christ’s return, only to have Him be a no-show?  The Millerites sold all their possessions and stood on a mountain waiting for Jesus to return on a particular date – but He didn’t come back.  So they recalculated, and tried it again – but when He didn’t return, their movement imploded.

If Jesus doesn’t return on May 21, I suggest the name Harold Camping be quietly forgotten.  The sad thing is that some people may reject Christ because of his misuse of Scripture and his defiant date-setting in light of Jesus’ prohibition.  However, if Jesus wanted to come for Harold Camping on May 21, I personally would not object …

Third, realize that some Christians chase novelties to seem significant.  Remember the whole “holy laughter” phenomenon in the 1990s?  It started at a church in Toronto that met in a hotel ballroom.  People visited the church and ended up rolling on the floor in laughter for long periods of time.  Gullible Christians (along with some leaders) flocked to Toronto to get in on the spiritual laughing gas for themselves.  But the Bible doesn’t emphasize “holy laughter” at all.  Are we ever told in Scripture that Jesus and His disciples used to hang out in the Temple or someone’s house and roll around the floor laughing?  What does that have to do with living a life pleasing to the Lord?

Being a pastor for nearly four decades, I have seen the competitive nature of pastors – including famous ones – up close.  Most pastors want to gain significance for something.  If they can’t build a big church, or preach to thousands, or write bestselling books, then some are liable to find a little novelty that turns the spotlight onto them.

For Camping, it’s Bible prophecy.  While I can’t diagnose the condition of his heart, it seems as if his date-setting is a way of saying to Christians, “I have a little corner on the truth that none of the rest of you have.  My life and ministry are nearly over, and I’ve had my critics, but if I’m right, I’ll get the last laugh.  If I’m wrong … oh, well, I’ve been wrong before.”  But while we’re debating the merits of Camping’s biblical interpretations, we’re still talking about him – and that makes him a player of sorts, even if he doesn’t deserve it.

When I was in my late teens, several of my friends got married, and I observed a phenomenon I began to call “Meyer’s Law.”  Meyer’s Law states that whenever a couple decides to get married, and they discuss an initial date, they always move the date up.

Wouldn’t it be fascinating if Jesus did the same thing and came on May 20 instead?

Posted in Current Church Issues | 6 Comments »

Book Excerpt: Protecting Reputations

May 11, 2011 by Jim Meyer

There is a plague that continues to make its way through Christian churches in our day: the forced termination of pastors.   The same church board that carefully checks out a prospective pastor over time discards that same pastor overnight.  The same people that act like loving Christians in hiring a pastor act like Satan’s messengers in forcing him to leave.  The same individuals who want a pastor to meet biblical qualifications before he’s called use crass political games to get rid of him.

And when a pastor is forced to leave a church, there are usually people who do their best to destroy his reputation.

This is an excerpt from a book I’m writing about what happened to me – and what happens to my fellow pastors – when a group in the church decides you need to leave for good:

When I first became a pastor in my late twenties, I was shocked at how many pastors in our district were forced to leave their ministries because they were opposed by a handful of antagonists.  As a rookie pastor, I met on a monthly basis with our district minister and other area pastors for lunch, and whenever a pastor was forced to resign, I wanted to know why it happened and how he was faring, especially since some of those pastors were my friends.  The dominant impression I received at those ministerial gatherings was that those ministers were forced to resign their positions because the pastor did something wrong and the lay people – usually the church board – reluctantly handed out the treatment he deserved.

For example, I once heard about a pastor in our district who told his congregation in frustration that they “didn’t give a damn” about a certain issue, but because this pastor used the word “damn” in a public meeting (not a church service), the person who relayed this news to me believed that the pastor had disqualified himself from office.  In other words, if a Baptist pastor can’t control his tongue in public, then he shouldn’t be a pastor at all.  But I wanted to know why this pastor used such strong language in public.  Was this the first time he had ever done that?  What might have caused him to use such language?  When I first came into the district, this pastor took a special interest in me.  One Sunday morning, he called me at home just to pray with me over the phone.  He seemed to be a good man, and if he became so incensed that he used strong language inside the four walls of his church, then maybe he had a good reason.  Maybe a few less than spiritual individuals in the church pushed him over the edge.  But in district circles, we rarely heard about unhealthy congregations.  Instead, the implication was that if a man was forced out of the pastorate, you could trace his departure to something he did or said.  In essence, he was a loser.

So early in my ministerial career, I learned how the district (and by implication our denomination) viewed pastors who experienced forced termination.  In general, the pastor became the scapegoat and was blamed for whatever conflict occurred.  Upon hearing the news that another colleague had bitten the dust, I would call that pastor and let him know that I cared for him.  I would also ask him about the factors that conspired to force him to resign, and every man I called was transparent enough to tell me.  Then I’d ask this question: “How many other pastors from the district have called to express their concern for you?”  The answer was always, “No one has called me.  You’re the only one.”  As I recall, in my first several years as a pastor in our district, seven pastoral colleagues were forced to leave their churches, and every one told me I was the only one to call.  That information broke my heart.  I later did a study of pastors who had served inside our district and discovered that out of sixty pastors that had left their churches, fifty were no longer connected to the denomination.  I felt so strongly about this issue that I wrote an article for our denominational magazine entitled “Who Cares For Lost Shepherds?”

Why don’t pastors seem to demonstrate concern for their colleagues who experience forced termination?  Maybe pastors have enough on their plates inside their own congregations to reach out to their peers.  Maybe some pastors are better leaders or teachers or administrators than they are shepherds and wouldn’t know what to say to a colleague undergoing crisis.  Maybe some pastors just don’t want to become embroiled in another church’s issues.  It also might be true that a lot of pastors know very few of their colleagues.  But my guess is that many pastors don’t want to associate with their terminated brethren because they are stigmatized as losers.  In other words, if you’re a pastor and you’re forced out of your church, the perception is that you are either incompetent, guilty of immorality, or don’t know how to play church politics properly.  There is something wrong with you, not the church, and in rare cases, that’s true.  But it’s not always true.  Jesus wasn’t crucified because He was unhealthy but because the political and religious leaders of His day were spiritually dysfunctional.  Paul wasn’t chased out of European cities because something was wrong with him or his message but because his hearers were hostile toward the gospel.  It’s popular to say, “If the team isn’t winning, fire the coach,” but some pastors have led their churches to growth and yet are forced to leave anyway because the old-timers feel insignificant as the church expands – and they wish to feel powerful once again.  While there are always pastors who deserve termination, the great majority who are forced to leave their churches have not done anything worthy of banishment.  But whether or not a pastor deserves termination, the church board should always treat him with dignity and respect.

Years ago, I sat with a pastor friend at a restaurant.  My friend had been forced to leave his former church exactly one year beforehand.  His daughter had been falsely accused of something she hadn’t done and the pastor chose to resign to protect her.  (The truth came out sometime later.)  The “clergy killer” in his congregation was both a church board member as well as member of the trustee board in our district.  Guess whose story got out first?  One year later, my friend had no idea why he had been mistreated so badly.  What had he done wrong?  I gave him a book called Forced Termination by Brooks Faulkner, and after reading it, my friend told me that he now understood what had happened to him.  But how much did our district help him?  According to my friend, they didn’t help him at all.

Several months ago, I was having a meal with a pastor, and I asked him if he knew how an old pastor friend of mine was doing, and this pastor told me that my friend left his church “because he was having some problems.”  The implication was that my friend left because of problems he had, not problems that were lodged inside the church family.  The pastor who told me that my friend “had problems” probably figured I would never reach out to my friend and discover his side of the situation.  Pastoral reputations can be ruined with a few key phrases or awkward pauses.

In my opinion, we can handle these situations much, much better.

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination | Leave a Comment »

When to Leave Your Church

May 9, 2011 by Jim Meyer

Every Sunday, millions of Americans discuss what happened after they leave their church’s worship service.

Maybe Mom will say, “I really liked today’s performance song.  The lyrics really inspired and comforted me.”

Just then Bill, the family’s 16-year-old son, chimes in and says, “Yeah, but I didn’t understand the message at all.  That talk had nothing to do with me.”

Then Rachel, the 14-year-old daughter, complains, “Mom, I’m glad you liked the song, but I’m not getting anything out of the youth group right now.  I try to listen, but these two girls are always goofing off and they’re so distracting I can’t hear the lesson.”

Then Bill adds, “Well, I heard it, but I thought it was lame.  I’m thinking about not going back to the youth group – maybe try out a new one.  In fact, my friend Steve has invited me to attend the group at his church and I’m thinking about checking it out.”

After listening to his family’s opinions, John wonders aloud, “I wonder if we should leave our church and look for a new one?”

What are the signs you should leave your church?

First, you can’t support the vision.  Maybe your church pours all its efforts into worship, and you think it should be engaging in evangelism.  Or your pastor is passionate about missions, but you care most about hurting people.  If you can get behind your pastor’s vision for your church, then by all means, stay!  But if you find that you and your church are going in opposite directions, then you should seriously consider leaving or you’re going to be frustrated all the time.

Please don’t say what some people say at this point: “Well, I don’t like the pastor’s vision for this church, so we’re going to make life unpleasant for him until he leaves.  Then we’ll hire a pastor who will do things our way.”  That is the epitome of selfishness and indicates that you think your views are more important than those of your pastor.  Don’t try and manipulate matters so that he leaves.  You leave.  In fact, if you and those who are opposed to the pastor’s vision would leave the church, the church would probably grow a lot more rapidly.

Second, you don’t like the pastor.  I’ve written about this issue before because it’s a huge factor in whether people stay or leave a church.

My wife and I visited a church a year ago where the music was so awful that after ten minutes, she turned to me and asked, “Can we leave?”  I told her, “We’re going to stay to the end,” but after a few more minutes, I wanted to leave with her.  The pastor screeched when he preached.  (He was a “screecher preacher.”)  It was awful.  And then during his message, he complained to the technical people about a hum on the stage and, in my view, humiliated them in the process.  When the service was over, my wife and I practically ran to the car and our tires screeched as we left the parking lot.

I am sure that pastor is a nice man and that many people love him, but his personality and style just didn’t work for us.  Rather than stay and eventually force him to leave, we left and he stayed put.

I believe this with all my heart: if you don’t like your pastor, leave your church.  Why?  Because you will invariably tell someone in the church about your feelings, and then you’ll find people who agree with you, and you’ll be tempted to form a group of likeminded people, and if a leader emerges, your group will try and force the pastor to leave, and it will all get ugly and nasty and divisive.  So when you’ve tried to like your pastor, but you just can’t pull it off, then find a church where you do like the pastor.

But it’s at this point that people say, “But I love the ministry I’m leading.  And I’ve been at this church a long time.  And all my friends are here.”  But the way you feel about the pastor will override all those other considerations – I guarantee it.  Find a church where you like the pastor and can follow his leadership or you will be miserable for a long, long time.

Third, the church is starting to embarrass you.  Maybe you have a new pastor and you find his jokes offensive.  Maybe your worship director sings flat or the band plays every worship song in a disco style.  I’m not talking about occasional mistakes or experiments gone awry.  That happens in every church.

But if you’re consistently cringing to the point where you’ve stopped inviting friends to your church – and you won’t even invite your mother on Mother’s Day – then maybe you need to look around for another fellowship.  You should feel proud of your church.  And when you don’t, consider finding another place to worship and to serve.  And that leads to the next factor:

Fourth, you can’t use your gifts anymore.  Years ago, I was in a church where I sensed that I could no longer teach youth.  That job was reserved for the new associate pastor.  So I looked around for a church where I could teach, and we ended up in one where I already knew  many people.  Before long, I was teaching a high school class, and due to God’s grace, I was eventually hired to be that church’s youth pastor.

A church may be growing, and the pastor’s messages may be top-notch, and your kids may be thrilled with everything, but if you can’t use your spiritual gifts there, you may need to find another church.  If you’re a singer and you can’t sing, find a church where you can.  If you’re a leader and you can’t lead, then look around.

Finally, ask God what He wants you to do.  There are times when we’re sitting in a worship service or standing in the church lobby and the Holy Spirit says to us, “You’ve stopped growing spiritually in this place, haven’t you?  And you really aren’t able to help others grow, either.  You’re stagnating spiritually right now.  I want you to think about leaving.”

Or whenever you think about your church, you either become angry (because you’ve been violated in some way and there is no recourse for reconciliation) or you become depressed (because the memories have become too painful).  When your emotions overrule your thinking, and you can’t see the way ahead, it may be that God is leading you to look for a new church home.

When I was a pastor, I usually tried to encourage people to stay in our church, but there were times when it was better for them to go somewhere else.

One well-known pastor became weary of all the people who attended his church and complained about it, so he obtained brochures from ten other churches in town.  He stood up one Sunday morning and said, “If you want verse-by-verse Bible teaching, then check out this church.  And if you want a choir, then visit this church.  And if you want a certain kind of youth program, then try out this church.”  He left the brochures in the lobby.  As I recall, attendance was down by 700 people the following Sunday, but three weeks later, attendance was right back where it had been.  The church said goodbye to those who were disgruntled and welcomed those who were thrilled to be there.

Maybe we need to add a “Musical Churches Sunday” to our Christian calendar!

What are your thoughts about when it’s time to leave a church?  I’d love to hear them!

Posted in Church Conflict, Current Church Issues, Ten Most Viewed Articles | 6 Comments »

Grace, Grace, Grace

May 6, 2011 by Jim Meyer

When I was running on my treadmill yesterday, a scene popped into my head that I hadn’t recalled for a long time.  Years ago, when I was pastoring in Silicon Valley, our family became friends with a family that attended another church.  This family invited our family over for dinner one night along with their pastor and his family.  I was looking forward to meeting this pastor about whom I had heard some good things.

When we sat down to eat, this pastor could not stop talking – about himself.  He was arrogant, rude, self-centered, and totally uninterested in anything or anybody but himself.  I could not believe it.  He never asked any questions about our family or our ministry.  It was all about him, him, him.  (Maybe I was invisible and didn’t know it.)  By the end of the evening, I don’t even think he knew my name, he was that oblivious to those around him.

I thought to myself, “This guy’s a pastor?  Aren’t pastors supposed to be a bit more others-oriented?”

Some of you might be thinking, “Well, I’m sure that’s the only time that’s ever happened to you.”

Uh, no.

Remember when O. J. got in his White Bronco and stopped traffic on LA freeways because the authorities were afraid he was going to harm somebody – especially himself?  I watched the whole drama from a hotel room outside Chicago with a leader from our church.  That night, we were supposed to be attending a banquet for Christian leaders, but I was gun-shy after an experience I had earlier that week.

While attending a conference, I was sitting at lunch around a table with seven other pastors.  I was hoping to get to know several of them, but it immediately became evident that we weren’t allowed to talk.  Instead, two pastors, who both led mega churches, did all the talking.  They talked, and they talked, and they talked.  I don’t remember anyone interacting with them.  They just lectured the rest of us on how to do church.  It was like we were supposed to be taking notes.  The longer this went on, the more upset I became.  It was obvious there was a pecking order at the table and that we little chickees weren’t even allowed to interrupt with a question or a comment.  The dominant feeling I had was that I was worthless.

You ask, “Jim, how common is this kind of rudeness among pastors?”  It’s hard to say, but I’ve encountered it too many times.

When I was at the same church I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I fractured my left elbow playing basketball.  The doctor immobilized my arm in a sling but I still carried out my normal duties.  At the time, pastors in the San Jose area met on a monthly basis for luncheons sponsored by the National Association of Evangelicals.  With my left arm in a sling, I dutifully attended the next luncheon which was held in a large room at a church where the pastor was on television.  (My grandmother used to watch this guy from Arizona).

Anyway, some of the pastors that were sitting around me wanted to know how I broke my arm, so I told them the story.  A little while later, this television preacher stood up and mentioned a time when he broke a limb, and when he did that, one of my new pastor friends raised his voice, pointed to me, and said that I had recently broken my arm as well.

I know some pastors who would have stopped and said, “What’s your name?  How did you break your arm?  How are you going to preach with only one hand?”  Stuff like that.  But you know what this guy did?  He just glared at me for a few seconds.  In my opinion, he wasn’t upset that he had been interrupted but that the limelight shone on someone else for a brief moment.

I believe that most pastors are tender people.  They really care for others, especially those who are hurting.  I’ve been around colleagues who bleed when they hear that someone went into the hospital or lost a loved one.  These pastors are true shepherds who care about their flock.  They are sensitive, dedicated, and kind.  In a word, they are servants.

But not all pastors are this way.  Sadly, a few are condescending and ego-driven.  I have often wondered how these guys stay in the ministry.  They never seem to see or hear anyone but themselves.  I’m pretty sure they would never give their life for the sheep, but they would definitely ask the sheep to die for them.  In a word, they feel entitled.

Entitled pastors cause trouble in churches.  Servant pastors bring hope and healing.

When I was seven years old, my family visited a Sunday night service where my uncle and aunt and cousins went to church.  A missionary spoke that night.  Sometime during the evening, a hymn was sung that I had never heard before.  It was called, “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go.”  The chorus went like this:

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

O’er mountain or plain or sea

I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,

I’ll be what You want me to be

It was a song of commitment and complete abandonment to the Lord.  The song was saying, “Lord, I will not do whatever I want to do.  I will do whatever You want me to do.  I will not go wherever I want to go, but wherever You want me to go.”  The song meant so much to me that I dug up the lyrics out of our hymn book and memorized all three stanzas.  Even now, when I think about that song, it reduces me to tears.

I am not entitled.  You are not entitled.  No person or pastor is entitled to anyone or anything.  We are who we are by the grace of God.

If anyone had a right to feel entitled, it was Paul.  Can you imagine the introduction he might receive if he appeared on Leno or Letterman?  “Our next guest composed half the books in the New Testament.  He rubbed shoulders with other biblical writers like Mark, Luke, and James.  He launched the Christian movement in modern-day Turkey and Europe by planting churches in population centers.  And some people say he’s the greatest Christian who ever lived.  Ladies and gentleman, the Apostle Paul!”  (And then the band plays Hello Pauly.)

Would Paul strut from the Green Room to the guest chair?  Would he spend all his time bragging about himself?

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:9-10: “For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.  But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.  No, I worked harder than all of them – yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”

Paul was saying, “I am not entitled to be a Christian leader.  I have done things I’m not proud of.  Whatever good I have done, it’s by God’s grace working through me rather than any inherent talent that I have.  It’s not about me, me, me, but about grace, grace, grace.”

I have a real heart for wounded pastors.  Based on some of the ex-pastors I’ve been meeting, there are others who feel the same way I do.  Pastors are ordinary people that God has called and gifted to serve Him and others.  When a pastor enjoys success in ministry, it’s not ultimately because of his talent or his personality or his intellect.  It’s because of God’s grace.  As Paul wrote years later in 1 Timothy 1:15: “Here is a trustworthy statement that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst.”

It’s only when we pastors forget about God’s grace that we become thoughtless and rude.  When we start to think that we are entitled to all the good things God has done for us, we will dishonor God and alienate people.  But the more conscious we are that we don’t deserve salvation or our family or a leadership position, but that all we have and are comes from The Father of Lights, the more others-oriented we will be.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to follow an ego-driven Christian leader very far.  But I’m more than willing to follow a grace-filled leader anywhere.

Let’s pray that God will fill our pastors – and our own lives – with His grace, grace, grace.

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor | 2 Comments »

Criticizing Pastors

May 4, 2011 by Jim Meyer

My wife and I recently visited a church that meets in a high school.  When we drove into the parking lot, we had no idea what to expect.  As we walked toward the front door, we wondered: What’s this church all about?  What kind of service will they have?  Will the pastor’s message be something we can relate to?

At the church we’ve been attending for the past ten months, people arrive early to get a good seat.  That wasn’t necessary at this church, so the place largely felt empty until well into the worship time.  When the service did start, worship was led by a guy wearing a cap who told us that those on the stage were “stoked” that we were present.  Although the worship leader and his band sounded okay, there wasn’t as much dignity during the worship time as I would have liked.

When the pastor got up to speak (at 11:02 am – I always time the preacher), he looked like a friend from my former church.  His message was a bit paradoxical to me.  While his written notes were intricate and extensive, he didn’t spend much time interpreting Scripture and spent most of his time making rambling applications.

At one point during the message, the pastor asked how many people were watching the NBA Playoffs.  I think three people raised their hands.  (If the Phoenix Suns aren’t in the playoffs around here, basketball doesn’t exist.)  He then asked if there were any Lakers’ fans in the house.  Even though I am a HUGE Lakers’ fan, I kept my hand down.  (I’m a low-profile kind of guy.)  But my wife instantly raised her hand and went, “YEAH!”  She was the only one in the whole place with her hand up.

Oh, no.

The pastor wanted to launch into an anti-Lakers tirade (evidently quite a popular pasttime in Phoenix churches), but after looking at Kim, he said, “Maybe I shouldn’t say anything.  It looks like her husband can take me.”  (I looked that way because I knew he was about to disparage my second-favorite all-time sports team.)  The pastor then criticized Kobe Bryant for something and moved on.  As a first-timer, I did not like being singled out, but what can you do when your wife expresses her undying support for your team in front of strangers?

The pastor’s message lasted slightly more than an hour.  When Kim and I got into the car, we quickly discussed the church and the message for a few brief moments, and then we talked about something else.  We haven’t talked about that experience since.  We instinctively knew that church was not for us.

However … it perfectly met the needs of the people who attend it.  They absolutely love their church and their pastor, as well they should.  There was obviously a connection between the shepherd and his flock.  It wasn’t one that I understood, but it was palpably real.  After all, the guy has been there forever.

Based on our little experience, let me share a few comments about criticizing pastors:

First, find a church – and a pastor – you like.  When a pastor stands in front of a congregation week after week, he can’t hide who he is.  It just emerges.  Sooner or later, you’ll learn how he relates to God, his wife, and his kids.  You’ll learn what he thinks about politics and social issues.  (And the Lakers.)  You’ll even learn how he feels about himself.  Discerning listeners could write a brief biography of their pastor after hearing him speak for a while.

To remain under a pastor’s teaching ministry, you have to like and respect him.  You don’t have to agree with everything he says.  But if you cringe every time he preaches, then find a church where you’re comfortable.  Because if you stay in a church where you don’t like the pastor, you will inevitably tell others about your feelings.  If you tell 50 people, 48 might disagree with you, but even if only two agree, you’re starting to form a critic’s coalition – and you’ll start lobbying for more members.  (And that’s how conflicts begin.)  Although I’m sure I could be friends with the pastor I mentioned, I didn’t resonate with his preaching.  If I stayed, I’d become a critic, and that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us.  So I need to visit enough churches until I find a pastor I can listen to consistently.

Second, pray for your pastor before he preaches.  It is amazing how prayer can turn critics into supporters.  If you pray for your pastor’s teaching ministry during the week – and especially right before he speaks – you’ll have formed an alliance with God on your pastor’s behalf.  Rather than nodding off during the message, you’ll eagerly listen for God’s voice.  Rather than picking apart the pastor’s logic, you’ll be rooting for him to make sense.  Praying frequently and fervently for your pastor will not only make you a better listener – it will make him a better preacher.

When I first started preaching as a young man, a group of people always stood around me and prayed for me right before the message.  At times, I sensed God’s power coming upon me during those prayer times.  I became more energized, passionate, and courageous  because I knew that those who prayed for me were interceding on my behalf.  When Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms in Exodus 17, Israel prevailed in battle over the Amalekites.  When the two men took a break, and Moses’ arms fell to his side in exhaustion, the Amalekites gained momentum.  Pastors can only hold up their arms for so long.  They need solid supporters who will stand next to them and hold them up before the Lord.  If you’ll do that for your pastor, I guarantee that he will preach better – and you’ll criticize him less.  You’re invested.

Third, realize your pastor is all too human.  He will screw up on occasion.  He will screw up in his preaching, his leadership, and his pastoring.  Count on it.  He may execute his duties flawlessly 97.3% of the time, but he will goof up – sometimes badly.

A few years ago, I was asked to speak at a memorial service for a man I did not know well.  The service was scheduled to be held in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.  I had prepared my remarks well in advance and was positive I knew the time the service started.  So I casually made my way over to the local retirement center, thinking I’d be early.  But when I entered the public assembly room, I discovered I was half an hour late instead … and everybody was waiting for me.  (And not all of them were happy.)  I know why I was late: the wife of the deceased kept changing the time over the  phone, and I latched onto one of the times without double-checking.  (My fault.)  Naturally, I apologized to everyone present.  But I didn’t look prepared that day, and I was a sitting duck for criticism.

If you were in that room, would you have forgiven your pastor or criticized him to others?  If the deceased was your husband or father, would you have been tough on him?  If the pastor was late to every memorial service, okay, he’s got a problem, but if he’s only late to one in his life – and this was the only one in my three decades plus career – it’s an anomaly, not a pattern.  (By the way, the wife of the deceased told me that she was just glad I made it, and our friendship never missed a beat.)  When a pastor makes a mistake, and he apologizes for it, forgive him and let it go or else you’re the one in the wrong.

Finally, keep most criticism to yourself.  The pastor of the church Kim and I have been attending is a terrific preacher.  He’s prepared, passionate, relevant, and courageous.  But he’s been letting someone else preach more recently, and while this person appeals to a younger crowd, my wife and I don’t enjoy listening to him.  Instead of interpreting a passage accuarately and then doing creative applications, he prides himself on doing creative interpretations – some of which do violence to the text as well as the history of the Christian faith.  We’re both so uncomfortable listening to him that we plan to check out other churches on the Sundays he preaches.

I don’t know this pastor, and I will probably never meet him, so I haven’t earned the right to criticize him to his face.  While I don’t think he’s a heretic, he’s an emerging church guy … and that’s all I’m going to say right now.  His views of Scripture, Jesus, and the church are vastly different than my own.

We won’t lobby to have him removed.  (Nobody would listen to us anyway.)  We won’t share our feelings with our friends.  (Unless he starts teaching heresy.)  So instead of insisting that he leave (and how selfish that would be), we plan to look for a pastor and a church whose vision and preaching we can fully support.

What are your thoughts on criticizing pastors?  I would love to hear them.  Thanks!

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues | 8 Comments »

Charging Leaders with Wrongdoing

May 2, 2011 by Jim Meyer

I’ve been writing this blog about pastor-congregational conflict issues over the past five months.  Every day, I’m given the terms that people type into their search engines to find the blog, and the top two phrases have been “how to terminate a pastor” and “facing your accusers.”  Evidently there is a lot of confusion among Christians as to how to handle the correction and termination of a pastor.  (And pastors don’t help because they rarely teach on this issue.)  Take a moment to imagine how differently pastors would be treated if every church took Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 19:15-21 seriously:

“One witness is not enough to convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed.  A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If a malicious witness takes the stand to accuse a man of a crime, the two men involved in the dispute must stand in the presence of the Lord before the priests and the judges who are in office at the time.  The judges must make a thorough investigation, and if the witness proves to be a liar, giving false testimony against his brother, then do to him as he intended to do to his brother.  You must purge the evil from among you.  The rest of the people will hear of this and be afraid, and never again will such an evil thing be done among you.  Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.”

Please notice several things about this passage:

First, an accuser must be a witness.  An individual had to see someone committing a crime before they could report it to the authorities.  You were not allowed to say, “Well, I heard that Joshua stole a cow” or “some of my friends told me that Seth assaulted the high priest.”  If you reported what you heard from someone else, that might make you a prosecutor but not a witness.  There’s a big difference.  You had to witness the events firsthand for someone to be tried.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t even be heard.  J. A. Thompson notes in his commentary on Deuteronomy that this section deals with “the false witness who has been a menace to society in every age and among many peoples.”

How differently matters are handled in our churches.

Can you imagine going to a meeting of the governing board or standing up in a public meeting and accusing your pastor of a litany of charges without ever having witnessed any of his offenses yourself?  And yet this is exactly what happens in many churches.  Rather than instantly believing (or disbelieving) the charges, someone should ask the accuser point blank, “Have you personally seen or heard the pastor commit any offenses?  If so, when and where?”  If not, the person has been disqualified as a witness and should be silent.  Then those who have seen the pastor say or do something wrong should come forward.  If nobody does, the charges – according to Scripture – should be dismissed.

One of the best features of American jurisprudence is that a plaintiff is able to face his or her accusers.  In other words, a witness cannot make charges against someone – resulting in their arrest – and then be able to hide out as the accused is tried and sentenced.  The accused must be able to face their accuser in court and have his or her attorney cross-examine them.  Many Christians believe that this legal principle comes straight from passages like this one.  It would be a shame if unbelievers obeyed biblical principles in a greater way than believers.

Second, one witness is not enough to establish guilt.  What does Scripture say?  There must be “two or three witnesses” to a crime, not just one, because one person could easily misrepresent an event.

When I was in high school, I was walking home from school one day with a friend when we both witnessed an accident between a motorcycle and a car.  The motorcyclist ran a stop sign, hit the car broadside, and then flew over the car, landing on the pavement.  (He was okay.)  While I told the police what I saw, my friend saw things a bit differently – and probably more accurately – because he planned to become a policeman (which he eventually did).  We both saw the same accident and yet came to several different conclusions.  Several witnesses are able to give a more complete version of events than a single witness could ever do – and this protects the accused from a personal vendetta by one person.

Both Jesus and Paul later quoted from this passage when they mentioned the necessity of having “two or three witnesses” establish the facts in a confrontation (Matthew 18:16; 1 Timothy 5:19) – and Paul’s words to Timothy deal specifically with Christian leaders.

Third, every charge against an individual must be investigated by an impartial body.  While I’m stating the obvious here, a witness cannot say, “I saw So-and-So commit such-and-such an offense” and be instantly believed.  Their charges must be tested.

The other night, I was watching a dramatic depiction of the trial of Sir Thomas More, who served as Chancellor under King Henry VIII of England.  Henry had More (a Roman Catholic) arrested for high treason and confined to The Tower of London.  More’s Protestant opponents (sad to say) continually accused him of denying the right of the king to be the head of the church in England.  While More successfully beat back the initial wave of charges, he was finally accused by Richard Rich (the king’s Solicitor General) for denying the king’s right to lead the church during a personal conversation.  Based on the testimony of one man, a jury required a mere fifteen minutes to pronounce More’s guilt and arrange for his execution.

Regardless of how you might feel about Henry VIII and Thomas More, isn’t there something inside of us that recoils when we hear that a private conversation with a single person could result in the death of a Christian leader?  By the same token, how can the wild accusations of one person result in the besmirching of a pastor’s reputation in our day?  And rather than just take one person’s word for it, shouldn’t an impartial body be appointed to check into the charges?  Isn’t this what Paul had in mind when he told the church in Corinth (in 1 Corinthians 6:1-8) that they should be able to handle their own affairs without involving the secular court system?

Finally, if the charges proved to be false, then the witnesses were to receive the exact punishment the accused would have received.  What Brown writes about societies applies even more stringently to Christian churches: “Any society is sick if people within it will lie deliberately in order to inflict harm on others.  The Lord is a God of truth; he does not deceive us by anything he says.  Therefore, the word of those who belong to the covenant community must also be reliable and trustworthy.”

Please note that the law of lex talionis (known as “an eye for an eye”) specified the limit of punishment (if Joseph harmed your eye, you could harm his eye but not his ear) rather than demanded punishment (if he harmed your eye, you had to harm his eye).

Several weeks ago, I had lunch with a veteran Christian leader who told me about his church’s policy when it comes to accusing staff members of wrongdoing.  Two women in the church claimed they had seen a staff member engaging in inappropriate behavior.  Their claims came to the attention of my friend and he did a thorough investigation of the matter.  While he concluded that the staff member did not use his best judgment, he exonerated him from any serious wrongdoing.  One of the women was dissatisfied with the decision and began to repeat her charges to others.  My friend then contacted her and told her that if she did not stop her accusations, then discipline would be exercised against her.  Her accusations ceased.

This step is missing in Christian churches today.  We have created a climate where people can make accusations with impunity – whether they’re true or not – because they know that nothing will happen to them.  These accusations are often passed around the church in the form of gossip and are believed before the accused leader even hears about them or can respond to them.  Because the leader is then perceived to be in the wrong, he or she is asked for their resignation.  What a travesty!

I recommend that Christians find ways to include the principles embedded in this Deuteronomy passage (not necessarily the penalties!) into church life so we can protect our Christian leaders from false and malicious charges.  As Moses said, “You must purge the evil from among you.”

But the truth is that this passage is a safeguard for everybody – including leaders.  Isn’t this the way you would want to be treated if you were accused of an offense?

What do you think about this passage and these principles?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination | 5 Comments »

Book Excerpt: Steps Toward Healing

April 29, 2011 by Jim Meyer

Seventeen months ago, my wife and I chose to leave a church that we loved – with a few people trying to push us out the door.  When we left, we knew that it was possible that our careers in church ministry were over.  What kind of steps can a pastoral couple take to heal after such a devastating experience?

Here is an excerpt from the last chapter of my book, which is nearly complete:

I have been told on good authority that it takes pastors one to three years to heal after an involuntarily termination.  As is my nature, there were times when I tried to hurry my healing along.  I discovered that if I experienced the depths of depression on a particular day, I would probably feel better the next day, but if I tried to force myself to feel better one day, I’d pay for it with depression the following day.  While I don’t consider myself an expert in this area – more like a survivor – here are seven steps that helped our healing along:

*We did little that was productive for the first couple months.  (We were both fortunate that we didn’t have to work for the first few months.)  I think I wrote three pages on this book.  Kim spent time reading and sleeping.  Since we didn’t expect much out of ourselves, we didn’t have to worry about expectations.  This time was important for slowing down our bodies and our minds so we could heal.

*We didn’t force ourselves to attend church services initially.  We didn’t have an aversion to church like some pastors and their wives have after leaving a church, but there was still pain involved because Kim wasn’t serving and I wasn’t preaching.  We missed a few Sundays over the first three months or so but have hardly missed any since then.  We needed to be in a church where we felt safe, and to be honest, some of the churches we visited felt anything but safe.  While some churches continue to debate the propriety of reaching seekers in a worship service, many churches do not realize how many Christians in their congregations are in great pain.  It took us six months to find a church because we tried to find a church where we would feel safe and still receive ministry.

*We took the time to grieve.  If Kim felt like getting angry, I let her express herself.  If I felt like crying, she encouraged it.  We both had mini-meltdowns – times when we would go on a rant for three to five minutes – but they never lasted long.  Almost every memorable occasion hurts during the first year: Super Bowl Sunday, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and Christmas.  If our marriage had already been strained, the ugly emotions that we constantly felt could have ended our relationship, but because we’ve always allowed each other to be human, our relationship grew stronger, not weaker.

*We both saw a counselor.  When you come to a new community, it’s difficult to find a good counselor right away.  We sought referrals from several churches and finally settled on a woman who really cared about us.  She and her husband had been in a parachurch ministry a few years previously and left in an involuntary manner as we had.  The counseling gave us a place to talk about our negative feelings and receive back the assurance that we were normal people who had been through an extraordinary crisis.

*We talked about what happened – a lot.  We never tried to tell each other, “I don’t want to hear about the past anymore!”  One time, we’d be driving to church and Kim would say, “I still can’t believe that this happened.”  Another time, we’d take a walk around our neighborhood and I would share an insight with Kim about what happened in our former ministry.  Rather than hush each other into silence, we allowed each other the freedom to share or not share as we saw fit.  It’s been sixteen months since we left our former church, and although we still refer to matters on occasion, we’re much more focused now on our future ministry.

*I wrote about what happened to us.  I’ve been working on this book for more than a year.  People have asked me, “Isn’t it difficult to rehearse the pain you’ve gone through?”  There are times when my intestines get tied in knots, but on the whole, writing has been very therapeutic for me.  It’s how I figure things out.  I’m able to take events and conversations and perspectives that have crowded into my brain and let go of them through the simple exercise of putting things on paper.  While I’ve had some rough days, I recommend writing as a way of telling your story and clearing out your brain.  There is catharsis through the written word.

One year after we left, I also started writing this blog concerning pastors and conflict.  For years, all these thoughts have been rattling around in my head, and now I have an outlet for sharing them.  And the funny thing is that the more I write, the more ideas are generated.

*We began dreaming about the future.  We went out together every week and reviewed all of our options for the future.  Could I pastor again?  If so, would I be a senior pastor?  An associate?  An interim pastor?  If not, could I teach in a seminary or Bible college?  Would we prefer to go overseas for a year or two?  We came to believe that God was calling us to begin a new ministry designed to help pastors who experience involuntary terminations, but we had no illusions that it would be easy.  We came up with a unique name – Restoring Kingdom Builders – and slowly but surely began assembling various aspects of the ministry.

One day, I asked a man who has counseled many pastors, “How do you know when you’ve been healed?”  He told me to look for three markers: first, you need to grieve your losses; second, you need to forgive your enemies; finally, you need to become involved in a local church once more.  From my experience, this is sound advice – but it’s easier to hear than to live.

Posted in Healing After Leaving a Church, Personal Stories | 2 Comments »

Ready! Aim! Preach!

April 27, 2011 by Jim Meyer

Do pastors ever intentionally target specific individuals in the congregation when they preach?

Yes.

And in the process, they also provoke conflict.

When I first started preaching, I was only nineteen.  When I prepared a sermon, I was just trying to put together some coherent thoughts based on the Bible so I could fill the half hour or so I had been assigned.  It wouldn’t have dawned on me to scold anyone in particular from the pulpit.  I had a hard enough time just trying to make sense.

As time went on, I became more issue-oriented when I preached.  If I detected a topic that wasn’t being addressed in our church, I’d talk about that.  My thoughts were centered on content, not people.

But that all changed when I became a pastor.

I was 27 years old in a church where the average age was sixty.  (Doesn’t sound so old anymore.)  When I stood up to speak, I looked out on a congregation of … 30-40 people.  I quickly got to know them all, and I didn’t like some of them.  (You wouldn’t have, either, but that’s another story.)

These people were ultra-fundamentalists, hyper-critics who wanted the church to go back in time three decades.  The music reflected that, as did the way the church was governed.  I grew not to like some of those growling faces when I got up to present the Word of God.

So when I prepared a message at home – and I spoke three times a week – I’d say to myself, “So-and-so really needs to hear this point.  I will tailor it to her specifically.”  Then I’d go to church and let it fly.

Only much of the time, whenever I aimed a portion of the message at someone … they didn’t show up!

For example, whenever I got on people for not attending church on a regular basis, I was saying that to people WHO WERE ALREADY IN ATTENDANCE!  (The people who weren’t there never heard the message anyway.)

There were other times when I’d say something for the benefit of one person, and I’d look out, and they’d be asleep, or talking to someone, or not paying attention, and I’d realize that I had just wasted my time.

And, of course, even if they heard me loud and clear, they probably thought I was talking to someone else, not them!

So it didn’t take me long to learn that preaching to one person was a colossal waste of time.  Maybe it was therapeutic for me, but it didn’t do anything to visibly change the person I was “aiming” at.  Besides, how would I even know when my missives had hit the mark?

One of my preaching mentors – and he was definitely old school – advised me to target specific people in the congregation when I spoke.  He did it, and he felt he had success with it, but after a while, I could not bring myself to do it anymore.

I should have learned from the last pastor that I served under as a youth pastor.

The pastor was gone one Sunday.  At the end of the service, some kind of praise anthem was sung, and a few people raised their hands to the Lord.  As I recall, some of those people were in the choir.  Handraising was not done at our church.  It was a practice imported from those divisive charismatic churches, and we weren’t about to become charismatic!

So when the pastor returned home, he was informed – probably by those same people from my first church – that handraising occurred in our church last Sunday!  Oh my!

So what did the pastor do?  He prepared a sermon for the following Sunday about controversial issues in the church, ticking off some examples … and then mentioned handraising.

Uh oh.

That was strategic product placement, wasn’t it?

Suddenly, the congregation was divided.  You were either for handraising or against it.  No middle ground.

Those against it stayed at the church.  Those for it began making for the exits.

Years later, I had breakfast with the pastor.  We got to talking about his handraising sermon.  He told me candidly that he never should have highlighted that issue.  He said, “People just wanted to express their love for the Lord.”  And he was right.

As the years went on, whenever I prepared a message, the faces of certain people would naturally flit through my brain.  It happens to every speaker.  We don’t want to speak to a mass of people, but to individuals.  And it helps if we speak to certain individuals, not those we don’t like or those we think are stuck in sin, but those who are hurting.

As I worked on a message, sometimes I would write down the names of a few people in the church on my worksheet, not because I wanted to “nail them” with the message, but because I sincerely wanted to help them advance in their walk with Christ.  I would ask myself, “What kind of applications would free them to live for Jesus?”

As the congregations I spoke to increased in size, I no longer tried to aim a message at any one person.  Why aim at one when dozens more needed help?

But from time-to-time, I believed that God wanted me to say something that I knew might offend certain people in the church.  Although I’d ask the Lord what He wanted me to do, most of the time, I said it anyway.  I subscribed to the philosophy of teacher extraordinaire Stephen Brown:

When in doubt, say it.

Why?  Brown believed that would usually be the most interesting and memorable part of the message.  And while many pastors try not to offend anyone in their message, my top two spiritual gifts are teaching and prophecy.  The gift of prophecy leads me toward saying the hard thing rather than shying away from it.  But I always tried to do it with grace rather than with rancor.

In fact, my preaching philosophy comes from John 1:17: “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.”  I tried to preach the truth with grace.  Rather than bind people, I wanted to liberate them.

Our pastor speaks to several thousand people every Sunday.  His applications seem to be aimed at the congregation as a whole.  He has a big enough staff that they can handle the problem situations.  And if he’s having problems with a church leader, he’ll probably call them into his office during the week and deal with the situation in private.

That’s the way it should be done.

So do pastors sometimes aim part of a message at certain individuals in a church?

My guess is that the younger the pastor, and the smaller the church, the more it’s done.  But the older the pastor, and the larger the church, the less it’s done.

Let me conclude with this thought: while pastors can be controversial when they preach – just teaching what the Bible says provokes controversy in our culture – they should never deliver a message in anger or aim a message at a particular person.

When a pastor gets worked up, he raises the conflict level in his church.  When he remains calm, he brings the conflict level down.

This Sunday, listen carefully to your pastor’s message.  If part of his preaching seems like it was aimed at you, he didn’t do it on purpose.  He may not even know you.

That’s the Holy Spirit.

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor |

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »