I was once the pastor of a church where we were building a new worship center. The church was located in an extremely unchurched community (less than 5% of the population went to church anywhere) and our leaders believed that God wanted us to reach out to the spiritually lost around us. Demographic studies showed that the community preferred an intellectual approach to the Christian faith (as opposed to an emotional approach) and that they preferred a presentational worship style (as opposed to a participative style).
Six months before the building was completed, I encouraged the worship team to improve the quality of our Sunday services, including using more video and improving our music while singing fewer songs. One of the women on the worship team, who had always been a friend and supporter, took issue with my vision for our services. She wanted the congregation to sing for at least half an hour because this approach was meaningful to her. She began to lobby for her position to the point where I had to call a meeting with her and our worship leader. We all listened to each other’s viewpoints and she left the room agreeing that if she had any further problems with me or my policies, she would speak with me personally.
But soon afterwards, she was at it again. She vehemently complained to the chairman of the board (who was a friend of both of ours) about me and used language that was so full of anger that the chairman believed she was ready to launch a serious conflict. The chairman reiterated my position to her (the board had already approved it) but she was determined to have her way. After causing heartache to many people, she ended up leaving the church, an outcome that I did not welcome because I genuinely cared for her. But I couldn’t let her – or anyone else, for that matter – stand in the way of the ministry that God was calling our church to do.
When a believer in a church is upset with the pastor, how should that person handle their feelings?
According to Matthew 18:15-20 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21, if I as a believer sin against you personally, you as a believer have the obligation to come and discuss it with me in private. Neither Jesus nor Paul mention exclusions for pastors. As a pastor, I have sinned against people on occasion. When I’ve been aware of it, I have tried to take the initiative and make things right on my own. But sometimes I’m unaware that I’ve hurt someone. In the great majority of those cases, the individual who is hurt never comes to tell me how he or she feels. In fact, I can count on both hands the number of people who have had the courage to come and tell me that I’ve hurt them over 35+ years of church ministry. I suspect that most pastors have had similar experiences.
Instead, when the pastor hurts someone – consciously or unconsciously – that person usually tells their social network what the pastor has done rather than tell the pastor himself. A few years ago, a friend told me that a woman in our church was angry with me. I asked, “How many people has she told?” Using his hands to count, he concluded, “Ten.” Then I asked him, “What did I do wrong this time?” He said, “You didn’t say hi to her one Sunday.” I told him, “Go back and tell her to talk to me about it. If she does, then this is really an important issue for her. If she doesn’t, then it must not be that crucial.” Of course, she never came and spoke with me, and over time, she collected a plethora of offenses that I had committed against her and shared them with anyone who would listen.
Although many Christians are aware of Jesus’ words in Matthew 18, we need to distinguish between personal offenses and policy offenses. If I personally offend you – whether I’m a pastor or not – then you need to contact me, tell me how you feel, and let me have the opportunity to work things out with you. Most Christians choose to tell their family and friends instead which just spreads discontent throughout the church. Sometimes these harbored offenses build up to the point where believers who have been collecting them share them with others, and before long, as believers pool their hurts, the pastor becomes guilty of scores of offenses – and those offended become determined to get rid of the pastor at any cost.
But if a pastor commits a policy offense – that is, he makes decisions about the church’s ministry that attendees don’t like – I don’t believe that Matthew 18 applies. The pastor hasn’t sinned against anyone personally. You may feel that he has, but he’s simply making a decision that he believes will advance the ministry. If you don’t like the decision, you should be able to speak with the pastor or any official church leader (i.e., board member, associate pastor) and let them know how you feel. They may or may not agree with you, and the policy may or may not change, but at least you’ve gone on record as to how you feel, and that’s the mature way to handle matters.
Of course, if the pastor offends you personally, you may choose to instantly forgive him, and you may also choose to pray that God will help him see the light. But if you’re upset with your pastor for some reason, please don’t spread the virus of complaining to others. Either speak with the right person or keep it between you and God.
And if you’re upset with what I’ve written for some reason, you know what to do …
Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
This article is helping me resolve issues with The Pastor and Assistant Pastor, I will conduct a meeting. However, offensive statements are a virus in the church from leadership to the congregation.
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Theresa, please accept my apologies for not getting back to you sooner. My computer has been doing strange things and I just got it fixed … Lord willing.
When people are under stress, they stop thinking rationally (or even spiritually) and begin handling things emotionally. Sounds like that’s the case in your situation. Their options narrow and they shift into survival mode. If you haven’t yet conducted your meeting, try and be as kind but clear as you can be. God bless you in your endeavor!
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Seems like the articles I’ve read on this are sloughing off the accountability of pastors to the church. I have a personal commitment to God, & when the pastor doesn’t take time to touch base with his workers for the kingdom who serve under him I think there comes a time when they should and especially when people have requested the meeting. If the pastor doesn’t have time, he should be honest about it.
I’ve tried to make these request only as necessary-maybe 3 times a year. The only way he gets info is if we text him. I try to be considerate of his sports coaching etc, but with football then basketball then baseball, then 4 weeks vacation a year that leaves very little time. So, yes, after working nonstop in the church for 13 years, it’s beginning to get old. The last request was only about six weeks ago, so maybe I SHOULD be a bit more patient, huh?
It’s not like I jump church to church. Her for 13, and the rest of my life in one other church. Played piano since age nine- forty-nine now. The pastors son took that over like a bull dozer & I forgave& now sing instead. Other jobs we won’t get in to, but please don’t put ALL the blame on us-agree that we deserve our pastor’s input on some things. That’s all
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Hi Robin,
Thanks for writing. I’m glad you can share with me how you feel.
No, I’m not an apologist for pastors not being accountable. They need to be accountable – first to God, then to a church’s governing leaders, and certainly to any other authority in their lives. If you look through my blog posts, I look at pastor-centered conflict from all sides. You just happened to read the very first article I wrote.
I was writing mainly about churchgoers who are upset with their pastor but talk to others rather than contact him directly. Seems like you have contacted him directly, and for that you should be commended.
If you’re getting frustrated, keep trying to have that meeting. Sometimes pastors just forget. But when they do, it can make you feel unimportant. I know the feeling. When I was a pastor, and I contacted other pastors, they got back to me immediately. Since leaving the full-time pastorate three years ago, only about half the pastors get back to me now.
Robin, I’m not trying to blame anyone for an impasse between a pastor and a parishoner. I’m trying to empower you instead. There are steps you can take – steps that God approves – to try and work things out. Sounds like you’ve done more than your share.
If you try again, and the pastor still doesn’t contact you, write me back. We’ll put our heads together and figure this out.
Deal?
Jim
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What is your recommendation on how to deal with your pastor post ridiculous status’ on his personal Facebook page directed to his church congregation? “Don’t you love it when those who contribute the least to the church are its loudest critics. Neither does God.”
I have met with him previously about this issue and I have been told I have the right to call him out again if I have issue. By the way I’m not the critic being spoken about i just have issue with him using Facebook like this
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Thanks for writing! Let me share a few thoughts about what you wrote.
On the one hand, there is some truth in the statement that a church’s worst critics are often those who serve and give the least. On the other hand, his statement strikes me as being a bit sarcastic, which is probably why it bothers you.
If he put that comment on the church’s Facebook page, I would have more of a problem with it. He’s obviously frustrated with a particular person or group and didn’t want to name them specifically.
Pastoring a church can be rewarding but can also be extremely frustrating. The pastor was expressing his feelings. There are probably better places to do that than on Facebook, like his wife, the church board, or friends outside the church.
Since he didn’t aim the comment at you personally, but at the congregation in general, you might consider letting someone else address him on this issue. My guess is that others may be bothered by his comment as well.
But if you do feel compelled to say something, just tell him how you felt about his comment rather than telling him, “You shouldn’t have done that.” Sharing your feelings will have more of an impact.
But your pastor is to be commended for telling you to call him out if you have a problem with something he’s done or said. Few pastors adopt that attitude anymore.
When I was a pastor, I was very goal-oriented, and that often leads to pastoral frustration. And sometimes, when you do what you believe God wants you to do, you’re still hammered by thoughtless people.
I’d encourage you to pray for your pastor daily and to let him know when he does or says something you agree with. Catch him doing something right! Sometimes pastors go weeks without hearing a positive word from anyone in the church, and it can be discouraging.
I hope what I’ve written is helpful. Thanks for caring enough to write!
Jim
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