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Archive for the ‘Conflict with Church Board’ Category

Five Questions Christian Leaders Can’t Answer

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on February 21, 2014| 6 Comments »

There are a lot of things in this world I don’t understand.  For example:

Why is one baseball pitcher paid more than $30 million per season?

Why did they have to kill off Matthew on Downton Abbey?

And why does anyone pay attention to Miley Cyrus?

There are also areas of the Christian church I don’t understand:

Why are so many Christians afraid to stand up for their faith?

Why are most churches unprepared for guests?

Why don’t pastors preach on controversial issues anymore?

We can talk about those issues another time.

However, I have five questions that center around conflict in churches – especially involving pastors – that continue to puzzle me:

First, why do so many Christians resort to lying to get rid of their pastor?

When a pastor is innocent of any major offense (like heresy, immorality, or felonious behavior), but a group in the church wants to push him out, why do they lie to get their way?

And why do so many gullible Christians believe the lies without checking their veracity?

And why do churchgoers believe the liars and proceed to shun their pastor?

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:25, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

I hear stories all the time from pastors whose forced resignations were preceded by one lie after the other.

Why do we permit this in the body of Christ?

Can’t figure it out.

Second, why is a forced-out pastor considered “damaged goods?”

In our day, if a pastor is forced to resign from a church, the chances that he can find another church ministry are poor.

Why do search teams make blanket judgments about such pastors without doing a little more homework?

Why does the Church that espouses grace for sinners withhold that same grace from pastors who have been battered and bullied?

I know men with sparkling credentials … who have grown churches … who are excellent speakers … who have proven their stability by leading the same church for 20 years … who have given their lives to the ministry … who can’t get a search team member to even return an email.

If Peter denied that he knew Christ in our day, would God’s people let him back into ministry?

Many pastors are forced out of their positions because they chose to obey the Lord rather than the board.

Shouldn’t we celebrate these men as heroes rather than ban them from church ministry for life?

Can’t figure it out.

Third, why don’t more denominational leaders stand behind pastors under attack?

When I became a pastor, I was told that my district minister was “a pastor to pastors.”

So I shared with him some concerns I had about my church.

That was a big mistake … because he later used what I shared against me.

If you’re a pastor under attack, and you’re looking for someone to confide in, think twice about trusting your regional minister.

Why?

Because they are usually more interested in keeping the church – and its money – in the denomination than standing for what’s right.

If you’re a pastor, and you’re under fire inside your church, and you’re thinking about asking your district executive for help, ask him this one question first:

To what extent will you stand behind me in this conflict?

If you get a wishy-washy political answer … which is likely … RUN!

Before I draw a parallel with Pontius Pilate … why don’t more denominational leaders stand up for their pastors?

Can’t figure it out.

Fourth, why aren’t more Christian leaders doing something about the problem of forced terminations?

In my book Church Coup, I quoted researcher Marcus Tanner from Texas Tech University about the increase in clergy terminations.

Tanner stated, “Everybody knows this is happening, but nobody wants to talk about it.  The vast majority of denominations across the country are doing absolutely nothing.”

If 1,500 to 1,800 pastors are leaving church ministry every month – with most of them forced out – then why are good people sitting around and permitting this evil to happen?

And don’t give me this “autonomy of the local church” stuff.  That’s just an excuse for Christian fear and dysfunction.

If pastors are being abused and battered and lied about, why are most Christian leaders silent?

Can’t figure it out.

Finally, why are congregations so blind when it comes to Satan’s influence?

Satan uses two primary tactics to destroy pastors and churches: deception and destruction.

Jesus said in John 8:44 that Satan is a liar and the father of lies … and was a murderer from the beginning.

Deception and destruction … two words that are easy to remember.

Anytime that lies are being spread through a church … Satan is involved.

Anytime that someone is trying to destroy a pastor … Satan is involved.

And yet, when Christians are in the midst of a conflict involving their pastor, some attribute the chaos and consternation to anyone and everyone except the evil one.

Why are believers so easily fooled?

Paul wrote about Satan in 2 Corinthians 2:11, “For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

But during a conflict, most Christians seem spiritually deaf and blind.

Can’t figure it out.

It’s high time that Christians took the time to study and practice what the Bible has to say about church conflict.

Or else Jesus’ church is going to have an increasing number of questions that it can’t answer.

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Think Twice Before Terminating a Pastor

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on February 7, 2014| Leave a Comment »

The most-read article on this blog is called “If You Must Terminate a Pastor.”  It’s been viewed 3 times more than any other article, indicating that many church leaders seek help with this problem.

Right now, I’m working on an e-book targeted for church decision makers – especially church boards – that are thinking about removing their pastor from office.  Tentatively, the first chapter is about why pastors are special … a consideration most decision makers block from their minds when they want to remove their shepherd.  Here is an excerpt from that initial chapter in draft form.  Feel free to comment.  

__________

I know a lot about pastors, far more than I know about people in any other profession.  My grandfather was a pastor.  My dad was a pastor.  My father-in-law and step-father were pastors.  (They were both missionaries, too.)  In seminary, I got to know professors who had dedicated their lives to training pastors, as well as fellow students who sensed God’s call to ministry.  In my own life, I’ve held eight church positions over thirty-six years, and today I work with pastors from various denominations in a non-profit ministry.  I like pastors.

But as a church decision maker, it’s possible that your experience with pastors has been limited.  Maybe the only pastors you’ve known are the ones that have served your present church.  Or maybe this is your first assignment as a church decision maker and you’ve been a bit surprised by what really goes on behind-the-scenes.

Let me share with you several truths about pastors that you need to keep on your frontal lobes as you consider removing your pastor from office:

First, your pastor has been called by God to ministry. 

Through a convergence of events that He orchestrated, God selected your pastor – out of thousands of individuals – to serve Him in church ministry.  The call may have come all at once like a bolt of lightning, or it may have come upon your pastor gradually over time.  But your pastor did not call himself to ministry – God called him.

My Old Testament professor in seminary, Dr. Charles Feinberg, used to tell prospective pastors, “If you can do anything other than being a pastor, do it.”   Why did he say that?   Because the best pastors are the ones who know that God has called them and don’t quit when things get rough.  Many seminary students have no idea what it’s like to be a pastor, and if they really knew what it takes, the majority would probably drop out.  The hours are long.  The pay isn’t great.  The emergencies never stop – and neither does the criticism.  Especially the criticism.

Many years ago, a man who was a bit odd asked if we could meet for lunch.  He didn’t come to church very often.  He wasn’t a member.   To my knowledge, he had never volunteered for any ministry.   He didn’t have any friends at church.  But during our lunch together, he tried to tell me how to preach.   I had a style that I had developed over more than thirty years, and this occasional attendee was going to tell me how to teach God’s Word?  He could barely put two sentences together.

Not every person who claims that God has called him or her to ministry has really been called.  The call must be confirmed through a process called ordination, which is done by a candidate’s local church.  Although there is no one way to become ordained, the process usually involves the candidate writing out his conversion experience and call to ministry, along with a summary of his biblical beliefs. Then the ordination council – usually composed of pastors from other churches as well as laymen from the candidate’s congregation – examines the candidate, posing questions designed to test his knowledge of Scripture and theology.

When the time of examination is concluded, the candidate is dismissed, and members of the council deliberate as to whether or not the candidate should be ordained.  If the council recommends ordination, the ordination ceremony takes place a few days later – usually in front of the entire congregation – where the pastor takes ordination vows and his call to ministry is officially recognized by those who know him best.

How much do you know about your pastor’s call to ministry?  Do you know when and where he was ordained?  Do you know the name of the church that ordained him?

My friend Charles Wickman, who was a pastor for many years, was fond of saying that a church should celebrate their pastor’s call to ministry on an annual basis as a way of saying, “Our pastor is God’s man for this church.”   When was the last time your church celebrated your pastor’s call to ministry?

This does not mean that you can never remove your pastor from office.  But it does mean that you need to tread lightly if you seek to remove him.   God had His hand on your pastor at one time.   Could that still be the case?

Second, your pastor was assigned by God to your particular church.

While God calls individuals to church ministry in general – which is recognized through ordination – He calls specific pastors to specific churches … recognized through an investigative process often known as candidating.

When a search team from your church initially contacted your pastor, many people were obviously impressed by him.  The search team and pastor probably traded emails, phone calls, and written documents, maybe leading to an interview via Skype.  Then the pastor was invited to visit your campus and meet members of the search team, and if they were sufficiently pleased, your pastor later preached before the congregation and did a question-and-answer session before the entire congregation, the church board, and other relevant groups.

If the search team and governing board received positive feedback about the candidate, then your congregation probably took a vote and invited the candidate to become your pastor.   After such a lengthy investigative process, many people in your church undoubtedly concluded that God had called your pastor to your church.

There’s also a sense in which your church hired your pastor, and any employee who is hired can also be fired.  But when pastors talk about leaving their home and moving their family to serve a new congregation, they invariably tell people that God called them to that church.  I’ve observed that whenever a pastor initially comes to a church, many people refer to the pastor’s call, but if the pastor later finds himself in hot water with church leaders, the language changes. People start dropping the term “call” and start saying that the pastor was “hired” instead.  When leaders stop referring to the pastor’s call, they imply that God wasn’t involved in bringing your pastor to your church and that your leaders were the real reason he came.  But this doesn’t change the fact that at one time, the leaders and congregation of your church believed that your current pastor was God’s man for your people.

Ask yourself: if God clearly wanted him to come here, what evidence do we have now that God wants him to leave?  Regardless of how you currently feel about your pastor, please do not factor God out of your discussions and deliberations.  Just as church leaders sought God’s will when your pastor first came, so too church leaders need to seek God’s will if your pastor’s time at your church is drawing to a close.

__________

If you were a church decision maker, and you were contemplating forcing your pastor to resign, how much weight would the above arguments have on you?  Let me know.

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That Independent Streak in Pastors

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged , , , , on January 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Not long ago, a pastor told me that a key leader in his church was angry with him.

When I asked the pastor why, he replied that he had refused to marry that leader’s daughter because her fiancée was not a professing believer.

The leader’s attitude seemed to be, “I help pay your salary and volunteer my time around here, so my daughter is entitled to be married in my home church by my pastor.”

The pastor’s attitude seemed to be, “I promised to obey the Word of God at my ordination, and since Scripture forbids the marriage of a believer to an unbeliever, I cannot in good conscience perform that wedding.”

I’ve had church members say to me, “Come on, pastor, can’t you be flexible in this case?  It would really mean a lot to our family.”

I understand that sentiment completely … but the answer still has to be “no.”

But when a pastor doesn’t do something that a prominent member wants him to do, conflict can easily break out.

Pastors are asked to do many things they simply cannot do, either because God’s Word condemns a practice, or because their conscience won’t permit them to do it.

For example, in the churches I’ve pastored, I’ve been asked to:

*Publicly support home schooling while condemning the public school system.

*Stop preaching on any topic that’s even remotely political.

*Give weekly altar calls.

*Forbid the youth from attending Christian rock concerts.

*Go back to singing the old hymns.

*Wear a suit every Sunday (long after I ditched the suit altogether).

*Insist that my two-year-old son sit in the morning worship service.

*Tell people at a funeral that their deceased loved one was in heaven when I didn’t know his/her spiritual condition.

In each of the above cases, I said “no.”

I’m sure that when I refused, I upset some people … but had I said, “Yes,” I would have upset even more.

And more than anything … especially on the preaching issue … I would have upset the Lord.

Most … if not all … pastors believe that they work primarily for the Lord.

So when a board member says to a pastor, “I insist you do this,” the pastor’s attitude may come off as, “I work for the Lord, not for you.”

That board member then interprets the pastor’s attitude as one of non-cooperation … or even defiance … and the board as a whole may start to think, “We can’t control this guy … and he seems insubordinate.  Let’s get rid of him.”

I believe that this independent/control dichotomy is one of the main reasons why there is so much friction between pastors and board members today.

The board forgets that their pastor has been called to ministry by Almighty God … and that call has been confirmed by God’s people through the process of ordination.

Ordination does not confer infallibility (nor insensitivity) on a pastor … but it does mean that the pastor’s call to lead and preach has been recognized by his home congregation.

My friend Charles Wickman, founder of the Pastor-in-Residence program and author of the book Pastors at Risk, told me on several occasions that he believes that every local church should celebrate the anniversary of their pastor’s call to ministry on an annual basis.   It’s a way of reminding the congregation, “This man isn’t ours to control.  This is God’s man.”

Yes, pastors need to be sensitive to the needs and wishes of the board, the staff, and the congregation … and sometimes, they aren’t.

For example, on one occasion, the elders of my church were evaluating my preaching at a retreat.  The quietest board member told me, “I don’t like it when you elevate your favorite baseball team at the expense of my favorite team.”

He was right …  I did that several times a year.

Since it wasn’t a big deal, I stopped.

But when a board member once told me that I couldn’t raise money … I was not a happy camper … and justifiably so.

While this topic needs further exploration, let me ask you:

Do you know how and when your pastor was called into ministry?

Before you insist that he follow your dictates, find out … and you just might learn why he acts the way he does.

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Will Our Church Prosper if the Pastor Leaves?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , on December 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Would your church be better off without your present pastor?

Sometimes I’m surprised by how many lay people – especially board members – think this way.

Here’s a typical scenario:

Joseph is called to be the pastor of Trinity Church, which averages 80 people when he arrives.

Three years later, average church attendance stands at 240, meaning that Trinity has tripled in size.

While most churchgoers are excited by Trinity’s growth, three veteran couples – along with two board members – are very unhappy with Pastor Joseph.

Why?

They claim that he preaches too long … doesn’t offer enough invitations for salvation … doesn’t use enough Scripture when he preaches … isn’t involved in denominational work … and doesn’t listen to their ideas.

Most of their complaints are smokescreens … except the last one.

That’s the real issue: these pioneers sense that they’re losing control of their church.

Go back and read that last sentence again and note three key phrases:

these pioneers = since they’ve been in the church longer than most, the 8 believe that their feelings take precedence over the rest of the church.

losing control = the pastor’s values, ideas, and plans are being adopted by 95% of the congregation … while theirs aren’t being taken seriously by anyone.

their church = they mistakenly believe that the church is owned by human beings –  not Jesus Christ – who boldly proclaimed, “I will build My church!”

In all too many churches, some people are uncomfortable unless they’re running the church.  And when the pastor becomes too successful, they feel threatened … especially when he’s attracting too many newcomers … who seem to adore their pastor without knowing much of anything about the pioneers.

And the pioneers resent the influx of newcomers because they don’t know them and can’t control them.

In this case, the three couples and two board members – a total of 8 people – begin holding informal meetings … especially in restaurants and in each other’s homes.  These meetings are initially closed to anyone else.

The purpose?  To stop the chaos … and all the newcomers … and return the church to the way it used to be … when they were in charge!

If they’re that unhappy, why don’t the 8 just leave?

Because most of the time, they feel that they’ve invested too much time, sweat, and money to let someone else – even their pastor – run the ministry.

And so, 8 people meeting in secret will attempt to subvert the will of the other 232 people in the congregation just so they can alleviate their own anxiety.

It’s the height of selfishness … but this is precisely what happens in thousands of churches every year.

Of course, the pastor is too busy focusing on leading, preaching, counseling, and loving people to even pay attention to those secret little meetings.

And he’ll continue to be unaware when each of the 8 works their network and tries to recruit a few more people to join their subversive cause.

And then one day … after a Sunday service … or during a regularly-scheduled board meeting … the church board will ask the pastor for his resignation.

And the pastor will be so shocked that he’ll give it to them.

And after the pastor leaves, the following five things will happen at the church:

*The church board – and their network – will exaggerate charges against the pastor in an attempt to ruin his reputation so that people in the congregation drop all contact with him.

*Most of the pastor’s supporters will gradually leave the church – something the 8 never foresaw.

*The 8 will not be venerated, but vilified by most of the pastor’s supporters … causing several of them to leave the church.

*The congregation will struggle financially for a long time because (a) the pastor’s supporters took their money with them; (b) the church will now need to hire an interim pastor … usually at the same rate of pay that the pastor received; (c) the church will need to put together a search team for a new pastor; (d) several staff members will be released because the church can no longer pay them; (e) some ministries will have to be dismantled because the church can no longer staff them or fund them; and (f) overall costs will jump 10-15%.

Finally, the congregation will never fully heal because few people will ever learn the real reason why the pastor resigned … and most church leaders won’t want to tell the real story.

Wouldn’t it have been better for the 8 to leave the church quietly if they were that unhappy?

What do you think?

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What Church Boards Need from Pastors

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , on November 20, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Once upon a time, when I was a pastor, I enjoyed board meetings.

Sometimes we ate a meal together before the meeting officially began.

Sometimes we read from Scripture and spent time praying for each other.

Sometimes we talked into the night … even past midnight on occasion.

For the most part, those were good times.

I needed those leaders.  I needed their encouragement … perspective … counsel … and prayers.

In my last article, I discussed what pastors need from church boards … but what do boards need from their pastors?

Governing boards need their pastor to be a godly man … a competent leader they can follow … and an example of righteous living.

But more than anything, a church board needs a pastor who is authentic:

*about his walk with God.

*about staff problems.

*about future plans and challenges.

*about his personal and family life.

*about issues relevant to the ministry overall.

Many years ago, when I was a youth pastor, I rode with a group of men to a mountain retreat.  One man asked me, “How is the youth group going?”  He seemed genuinely interested.

When I shared some concerns I had – especially about needing more adult leaders – he said, “Jim, that’s the first I’ve heard about some of your needs.  We can’t help you if you don’t tell us.”

I never forgot that conversation.

I knew what was going on … the students knew … their parents sort of knew … but the rest of the church – including board members – didn’t know because I hadn’t told them.

My silence wasn’t intentional … I just didn’t want to bother anybody.

So when I became a pastor, I started bringing a written report of my activities and plans to every board meeting.  If I wanted the board’s support and protection, they had to know what was happening in my life and ministry.  If my report was only verbal, some might forget by the time they got home.  But since my report was in writing, they had a document they could refer to whenever they needed it.

The board also needed to know how I was doing personally – including my physical and emotional well-being – because my personal life affected me vocationally.

But this was always tricky for me.

Early in my pastoral career, I told the board one night about all the stress I was feeling personally and professionally.

Nobody said anything.  They just stared at me.  I could read their minds: “We’re stressed, too.  So?”

So I began to pull back and reveal less of myself during board meetings.  I learned – rightly or wrongly – that for some board members, you’re their pastor, not necessarily their friend.

But if a pastor can’t share his personal concerns with the board, he needs to share them with some group in the church … or funny things might happen.

I once heard about a pastor who told his board that he was having marital troubles … after which the pastor went silent for months.

A while later, the pastor showed up with a new wife.

He was summarily removed from his position.

I don’t subscribe to the philosophy that says, “The pastor should tell the board as little as possible.”  If they’re going to work well together, the pastor should tell the board as much as they want to know.

There’s another word for that: accountability.

What do you think church board members want most from their pastor?

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What Pastors Need From Church Boards

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , on November 18, 2013| 2 Comments »

The relationship between a pastor and a church’s governing board can make or break a ministry.

Let me share a time when I witnessed this truth firsthand.

During my last youth pastorate, several churchgoers were openly criticizing the pastor.  Someone approached me one Sunday in the church parking lot and claimed that 10% of the congregation would leave if the pastor didn’t do what his group demanded.

Since nobody told the grumblers how to handle their concerns, it became open season on the pastor.

So I invited myself to the next board meeting.  I told the members that their pastor was under attack and that they needed to protect him.

The pastor wasn’t convinced this was a good idea.  He had undergone a major conflict in his previous ministry and wasn’t eager for another one.

The board finally voted 5-2 to do something about the attacks – with the pastor casting one of the dissenting votes – but then proceeded to do nothing.

Unfortunately, my experience inside that board meeting is all too typical nowadays.

Being a pastor is all-consuming.  You’re never off-duty mentally, morally, or emotionally.  You don’t even have an “off” switch.

You’re always thinking about your next sermon … staff meeting … hospital visit … counseling appointment … and your critics.

Especially your critics.

Let’s say a pastor starts his week with an energy score of 100.

Subtract 20 points for sermons … 10 points for staff meetings … 5 points for every hospital visit and counseling appointment … and anywhere from 10-40 points for critics.

After a while, the critics … just … wear … you … down.

I believe that if a critic is upset with a pastor personally, he or she needs to speak with the pastor directly … or let things go.

And the church board needs to enforce this principle which comes from Matthew 18:15-17.

If a critic is upset with the pastor’s policies, he or she can speak to any policymaker – including board members.

Having only two ears, the pastor may not hear what his critics are saying for weeks … if not months.

But board members – having 8 or 12 or 18 ears – do know what critics are saying … and need to protect their pastor from circulating flak so he can do his job.

Because every week the pastor has to deal with critics, he loses 10-40% of his effectiveness … and unchecked criticism is the source of much pastoral burnout.

Most of the board chairmen I worked with over the years understood the importance of protecting their pastor from critics … especially Russ and Ray.

Russ and Ray were not “yes men.”  If they disagreed with something I said or did, they’d tell me to my face … with honesty … in love.

They didn’t gauge the views of the rest of the board first.  They didn’t talk about me behind my back.  They manned up and spoke to me directly.

And I loved and respected them for doing that.

But because they were honest with me to my face, they always defended me behind my back.

One time, a regular churchgoer made a beeline for Ray after an informational meeting.  Ray listened … explained the board’s position … and calmed the man down.

When the time was right, Ray told me who the man was … what he said … and how Ray handled things.

When all the board members act like Russ and Ray, the pastor feels free to do his ministry without suffering a 10-40% drop in effectiveness every week.

But when the chairman and other board members don’t share their concerns with the pastor personally … don’t protect their pastor from critics … and pool their grievances outside of meetings … they are sowing seeds for (a) their pastor’s departure; (b) staff resignations; (c) major conflict; (d) heartache among churchgoers; and even (e) their own resignations and departures.

When pastors and board members form an unshakeable alliance, the congregation moves forward.

When board members form alliances among themselves, or with congregational factions … against their pastor … the congregation stalls and then regresses.

The night Jesus was arrested, Peter – who had pledged to protect his Master – failed to protect Him from critics.

This caused Jesus to look directly at Peter with sadness … and caused Peter to weep bitterly.

When Jesus-appointed leaders in our churches fail to protect their shepherds, Jesus looks upon them with sadness, too.

How do you respond to what I’ve written?

Next time, I’ll talk about what church boards need from their pastor.

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Pastoral Termination and Confidentiality

Posted in Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on November 4, 2013| 2 Comments »

Someone recently told me about the time her pastor was fired.

After the church board met with the pastor to proclaim his termination, the chairman stood up at the next Sunday service, announced the pastor’s departure, and told the congregation not to contact him at all.

I can understand why a board might feel that way.  After dismissing their pastor, they’d probably be concerned that the pastor might:

*criticize the board’s decision to others.

*undermine the board’s authority.

*encourage members to leave the church.

*start a new church nearby composed of people from his former church.

But if I was a church member and I was publicly told, “Don’t contact the pastor at all,” I’d contact that pastor immediately.

Why?

Because I’d assume that the board was trying to cover up something … like how badly they bungled the pastor’s termination.

Let me tell you why this concerns me.

It is becoming increasingly prevalent for church leaders to try and destroy the reputation of their pastor after he leaves their church.

Why?

Because they’re afraid that the pastor may tell his side of the story to church attendees … and they don’t want that to happen.

Church leaders only want one version of events to become public: their version.

And if the pastor tells his version to even a few people, it may get around and contradict the “official” board version … and this could cause some people to turn against the church board and leave the church … taking their friends and money with them.

But once a church board terminates their pastor – rightly or wrongly:

*Most churchgoers are going to talk about it.

*Some churchgoers will seek to hear the board’s side.

*Some churchgoers will contact the pastor to hear his side.

*All churchgoers will make up their own minds as to what happened.

In my book Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict, I made this statement:

“When leaders make people promise blanket confidentiality during a conflict, they are trying to control the flow of information … as well as their opponents.”

Sometimes after a termination, the church board is saying:

“We believe that we’ve terminated the pastor for just cause.  If you possessed the information that we have, you’d agree with our decision.”

But sometimes, they’re saying this instead:

“We felt that the pastor was acquiring too much power, which would minimize our authority.  So we trumped up some charges to take him out.  Nobody can contradict our version of events except the pastor, so we’re going to discredit him before anybody contacts him.  Whatever he says, he’s trying to hurt the church.”

In my mind, such an attitude indicates a spirit of control … which is why I’d contact the pastor right away to hear his version.

As Proverbs 18:17 says, “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”

People don’t like to be controlled.  And nobody likes a gag order.

But if the board did what was right in God’s eyes, why would they need to try and control anyone or anything?

Shouldn’t they relinquish control of the situation to God instead?

Once a board forces out the pastor, they can no longer control the consequences.

And once the pastor has left the church, how can the board continue to control him?  They’ve severed the relationship.

When I was a pastor, occasionally people would leave the church angrily.

A Sunday or two later, somebody would invariably approach me and say, “I heard Joe and Betty left the church.”

Was it my place to speculate as to why they left?

I didn’t want to misrepresent them.  So I’d say, “If you’re concerned about them, why don’t you call them and speak with them?”

Was that risky?  Of course.  But any other answer would indicate that I was trying to control people and circumstances.

And that’s not the job of a church leader.

That’s God’s job.

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Correcting a Pastor Graciously

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment! on September 25, 2013| 10 Comments »

Today marks another milestone for this blog: my 300th article.  By the end of the day, I should reach 50,000 total views as well.

If this is your first visit, or we’re old friends, thanks for reading.  And rest assured: there are enough topics floating through my brain for at least 300 more articles!

As I sometimes do, I thought I’d share my views today in the form of a story …

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Pastor Ryan was frustrated.  The church he led – Redeemer Community Church – was not going well, at least in his mind.  Attendance was down 5% for the year … giving was down 7% … and several key families had recently left the church.

For the past 4 years, Redeemer Community had grown steadily under Pastor Ryan’s leadership.  But the church seemed to have hit a wall, and Ryan wanted to knock that wall down.

Ryan was especially impatient with the elders, the church’s governing board … and at the last board meeting, he let them know how he felt in no uncertain terms.  Ryan was a bit surprised by how angry he became, and he was sure that the board members were equally surprised by his sudden outburst.  Ordinarily, Ryan would have contacted each of them and apologized, but for some reason, he put the idea out of his head.

Fortunately, Jack, the chairman of the elders, was a mature believer both spiritually and emotionally.  While Jack did debrief with several board members after the meeting, he didn’t overreact to Ryan’s outburst.  Jack figured that Ryan acted out of character because something else was bothering him.  Rather than reprimand him publicly at the next meeting, Jack decided to take a different approach.

So Jack invited Ryan out to breakfast.  After they engaged in small talk, Jack said to Ryan, “I was concerned about the emotions you expressed at our last board meeting.  You didn’t seem like yourself.  I want you to know that I love and respect you as both my pastor and my friend.  So I’d like to ask you … is everything all right?”

Ryan appreciated the invitation to share.  He was embarrassed about the way he had expressed himself at the board meeting.  So the first thing he did was apologize for his outburst.

Jack let Ryan know that he forgave him and that he wouldn’t bring up the matter again.  Ryan then asked Jack, “What would be the best way for me to apologize to the other board members?”

Jack suggested that Ryan bring up the matter right before the board prayed at the next meeting.  Jack assured Ryan that the others valued him as pastor and were more concerned for his welfare than that Ryan had somehow offended them.

Ryan felt relieved.  He had been worrying that the board might severely reprimand him for his outburst … or even discuss firing him.  But Jack’s attitude made him feel like a new man.

Jack told his pastor, “You have done so much good since you’ve been here.  The church has grown.  People have come to Christ.  I’ve seen spiritual breakthroughs in people’s lives, and you’re largely responsible for that.  I believe your best days in this church are ahead of you.”  Ryan felt a surge of energy flow through his spirit.  How he longed to hear someone … anyone … affirm his ministry.

Jack continued, “But Ryan, I need to tell you that several elders were a bit shaken by your outburst the other night.  We don’t want to work for you, and we don’t want you to work for us.  I want us to work together.  The way you acted made me wonder if you want us to work for you.  Am I seeing things right?”

Ryan said, “No, Jack, I don’t want the board to work for me.  I sincerely want to work with the elders.  Because I meet with the elders only monthly, sometimes I forget my place.”

Jack responded, “It’s good to hear you say that.  We’re not here to hamstring you.  We’re here to work alongside you … to be your cheerleaders and protectors … and to help you get things done at our church.”

Ryan said, “Thanks, Jack … that means a lot to me.”

And then Jack asked a question that Ryan had been hoping somebody would ask him: “How are you doing … really?”

Ryan started to cry and asked, “Do you know how long it’s been since someone asked me that?”  Ryan felt that people only valued him as a pastor.  He longed for someone to value him as a person.

Ryan began, “The downturn in attendance and giving has created some fear in me.  I’m afraid that the board or a group in the church is going to blame me for those numbers and that I’m going to be fired.  I really don’t know if my fears are rational or irrational.  Can you help me out?”

Jack assured Ryan, “I don’t judge a pastor’s ministry solely by numbers.  While we’d all like to see attendance and giving steadily increasing, I’ve been around long enough to know that every church has seasons where things aren’t quite jelling.  Personally, I don’t think our music is really reaching the majority of our congregation and that we may need a new worship director.  I also think that you need to finish your study in 2 Chronicles on Sundays because while that book might interest you, most people mentally checked out long ago.  And I think our small group ministry needs some tweaking.  But those are all solvable problems.  If you’re willing to discuss them at the next meeting, I can assure you the rest of the board will be receptive.”

Ryan couldn’t believe how supportive Jack was.  He then asked Jack, “Would it be all right if I told you something else?”

Jack countered, “Of course, Ryan.  Your personal well-being directly impacts the well-being of our church family.”

Ryan searched for the right words and said, “I’m struggling with exhaustion right now.  I don’t want to hear people’s problems.  In fact, sometimes I don’t want to be around people at all.  I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’ve been afraid that if I tell the board, no one will understand and I’ll be subject to removal.”  Ryan nervously waited for Jack’s response.

Jack wasn’t fazed.  He said, “Ryan, I can tell that you’re not yourself.  I think you need to take some time off.  I don’t know what’s wrong with you or how much time you’ll need, but let me offer several thoughts.”  Ryan listened attentively.

Jack said, “First, I think you need to see a Christian counselor, at least for several sessions.  Whatever your insurance doesn’t pay, the church will pick up.  After all, if the way you’re feeling is church-related, then it may be an occupational hazard.  We want to invest in your long-term mental and emotional health.  Then once we have a diagnosis from the counselor, we’ll know how to proceed.  If you’re suffering from stress, maybe you just need two or three weeks away.  If you’re suffering from burnout, the recuperation period may be longer, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  But I do know this: only a healthy pastor can lead a healthy church.”

Ryan couldn’t believe his ears.  He had been living under the impression that if he ever shared how he really felt with the “board chairman” … or any board member … that they would take steps to dismiss him.  But Jack seemed to understand that Ryan was a human being … a fallible human being …  and that knowledge began to heal Ryan on the inside.

Pastor Ryan apologized to the elders at the next meeting.  They instantly forgave him and even hugged him, being quite aware of their own weaknesses.  When Ryan became frustrated at one point in the meeting, he calmed his spirit, stated honestly but kindly how he felt, and the board understood and heard his view.

Ryan visited a Christian counselor, who told Ryan that he was in the beginning stages of burnout.  The counselor recommended that Ryan take 4-6 weeks off and work on some issues in his life.  Jack and the board assured Ryan of their support and that his job would be waiting for him when he returned.

Ryan returned from his time away with a renewed desire to serve a church that reflected the gospel in the way they treated their pastor.  Yes, Ryan was human.  No, he could never be perfect.  But the gospel message isn’t for non-humans or infallible people.  It’s for those who admit that they need God’s grace.  And having once received it, they’re eager to pass that grace onto others.  Too often, pastors preach grace but experience law from their church and its leaders.  But when pastors receive grace, they extend grace … and when they extend grace, they receive even more grace.

Having experienced God’s grace from his own church family, Pastor Ryan slowly began to feel more energized.  He led better … preached better … and made better decisions.  The church came out of their temporary slump and continued to grow in numbers … and in grace.

All because the church board dealt with their pastor graciously rather than harshly.

May their tribe increase!

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The Foolishness of Secret Meetings

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , on August 14, 2013| 9 Comments »

Have you ever attended a “secret meeting” at your church?

I have … on at least three occasions.  On each occasion, I as senior pastor met with the church board to discuss disturbing allegations that had come to light about staff members.

So what I’m about to write about does not primarily apply to officially called meetings of a church’s governing board … unless the board violates Scripture, church bylaws, and the gospel.

But have you ever had a group call a secret meeting about you?

Yes.  I know of one definite secret meeting where I as pastor was the topic of conversation, although there have probably been others that I’ve never found out about.

During my second pastorate, a former board member (I’ll call him Bert) resisted changes that the church board and I had implemented in our worship service.  Bert and his wife left the church and began attending elsewhere, but a year later – invited back by a few disgruntled individuals – he returned.

And right after Bert’s return, someone called a secret meeting.  I was the unwilling focus of discussion.

The first attempt at meeting secretly didn’t work.  A board member – who supported me 100% – showed up at the meeting unannounced.  The meeting was quickly cancelled.  (Secret meetings are no longer fun when they’re no longer secret.)

But the second meeting came off successfully.  I was later told that 17 people attended the meeting.  (That was better attendance than we sometimes had for midweek Bible study.)

Guess who became group spokesman?  That’s right … my good friend Bert.

The group sat in a room and listed every sin … every offense … and every thing they didn’t like about me … my wife … my 9-year-old son … and my 6-year-old daughter.

They came up with quite a list.  If they had only shown the list to me, maybe I could have repented of those sins and experienced instant sanctification.

But they didn’t show me the list … they wanted to show the list to the church board.

Fortunately, those 17 people couldn’t keep their mouths shut, and someone tipped me off to their tactics.  The Secret Meeting Coalition wanted to meet with the church board to confess all my personal and professional sins.

So the following Saturday morning, I called a meeting with the church board in my office.  First, I needed an answer to a crucial question:

“How do you feel about what the SMC is doing?  Do you agree with them?”

The board assured me – to a man – that they stood behind me 100%.  In fact, they said that if I resigned, they would all quit as well … which would place the church squarely in the hands of the SMC.  Not good.

I then offered two suggestions:

“How about if two of you meet with two of their representatives?”

That evened the playing field … opened up the chance for dialogue … removed a lot of emotion from the meeting … and provided the best chance for me to be treated fairly.  The board made this suggestion to the SMC, and they agreed to it.

“Rather than letting them read their whole list of charges against me, why don’t you answer each charge as it’s being made?”

The board thought that was an excellent idea, and that’s what they did.

After the two groups met, I was informed of the charges against me and my family.  Mercifully, I can only remember a handful of them.

For example, I was accused of not reprimanding a woman in the church who wore her dresses too short … and the SMC was right about that.  (Besides the fact that this woman’s marriage was falling apart, I never thought it was my place as a pastor to ever tell specific women how to dress.)

The SMC also brought up that my wife’s slip was showing one Sunday.  (But if it bothered somebody so much, why didn’t they love my wife enough to speak with her directly instead of telling 16 other people about it?)

Every single criticism was precisely that petty.  (If I had been guilty of just one major offense, they wouldn’t have had to manufacture miniscule offenses.)

After the two board members answered every single criticism, the SMC probably held several more secret meetings.  They eventually left the church en masse, formed a new church in a school one mile away, and used our church as their sole mission field.

Let me make five observations about secret meetings in churches:

First, secret meetings are not found anywhere in the NT.

Secret meetings are spiritually dysfunctional … relationally damaging … highly political … and psychologically unhealthy.  The secrecy itself says far more about group members than it does about anyone the group is focused on.

Peter Steinke, in his brilliant book Healthy Congregations: A Systems Approach, states: “When we are anxious … we are imprecise, vague, covert, less transparent.  We operate in darkness.  Secrecy is a deadly virus.  Undetected, it can do untold damage, lasting for years.  How can a congregation be a healthy community if it lives in darkness, keeps skeletons in the closet, and allows destructive disease processes to continue?”

Second, secret meetings are an unbiblical way to handle people’s grievances. 

If someone was upset with me or my wife personally – according to Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15 – they should have spoken with us directly, not about us to others.  If they didn’t like the answer they received from us, they could have proceeded to bring in witnesses as Jesus specifies in Matthew 18:16.  And if they were still unhappy about our personal conduct, they could have used the process Paul specified for correcting pastors in 1 Timothy 5:19-21.

But how was listing my faults and sharing them with board members going to help me to become a better person and pastor?

If someone was upset about a church policy – like changes in the worship service – they could have spoken with any board member because we had all agreed on the changes together.  If they didn’t like the answer they received from a board member, they had two options: stay and submit to church leadership, or leave the church peacefully.  A secret meeting was not going to resolve any of their concerns.

But when people pool their grievances, they automatically become divisive.  Joe is upset with the pastor for Offense A … and now Madge is upset with the pastor for Offense A as well.  She takes Joe’s side … carries his offense … adds a few of her own … and the whole group falls right into the trap that one author calls The Bait of Satan.

Division in a church begins when people begin to pool their grievances.

Third, secret meetings tend to overfocus on one person – usually the pastor.

These meetings are specifically arranged to find a scapegoat for the unresolved anxiety experienced by some group members.  “We’re feeling uncomfortable right now, so let’s blame how we feel on the pastor – and if we can make a case against him, we’ll all feel ecstatic very soon.”

But the church would have been in far better shape spiritually if those who had met to hypercriticize their pastor met instead to confess their sins … read Scripture together … pray for church leaders … and engage in a service project for somebody else.  But for some reason, they never found the time to do that.

Fourth, secret meetings reveal the immaturity of participants.

Let me quote Peter Steinke once again: “Secret meetings are not arranged for the welfare of the whole community, nor are they dialogical in nature…. Secrets support immaturity.  Underground murmurers in a community are usually insecure, dependent, and childish people.”

Why is this?  Because participants in secret meetings do not feel strong enough to share how they feel with their pastor or leaders.  They only feel strong when they meet with fellow malcontents.  But when they do, nobody will challenge them … nobody will disagree with them … and nobody will love them into health.  And when they finally leave the room clinging to a list of somebody else’s faults, they are silently confessing that they don’t know anything about grace or redemption.

Rather than becoming angry with people who resort to secret meetings, we should genuinely feel sorry for them … and if they don’t repent, pray them right out of the church.

Finally, secret meetings consist of ecclesiastical vigilantes.

These people ignore the teachings of Scripture on reconciliation … bypass due process as outlined in church bylaws … and decide to take matters into their own hands.  Their group alone knows what’s best for the church!

That particular group of vigilantes couldn’t make a go of their new church.  They found attracting newcomers was hard going, although I have a feeling that they never figured out why.  Their church eventually disbanded.

And you know what was ironic?  When two of the people in that group died, I was asked to conduct their funerals.

I assumed that everyone in that group hated me, but they didn’t.  Only a couple of people in that group really hated me.

It’s been 25 years since that secret meeting took place.  I’ve learned a lot since then about healthy and unhealthy behavior among Christians.

And one of the things I’ve learned is that many of the secrets that arise out of secret meetings eventually become known.  Nothing stays hidden forever.

And yet tonight … all over this land … Christians will be holding secret meetings … most of them aimed at their pastor.

To quote from an old folk song, “When will they ever learn?”

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Check out my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find my story and recommended resources on conflict.  I will also be leading 3 seminars addressing church conflict on Saturday, August 17 in Temecula, California.  The details are on the website.  I’d love to have you join us!

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How Should a Pastor Handle Critics?

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , on July 29, 2013| 2 Comments »

It’s precarious to be a pastor in our day.  According to the latest research, 70% of pastors are leaving ministry before they reach their fifth year out of seminary.

Why is this?

I could cite many possibilities, but my guess is that well-meaning pastors eventually wear down under a relentless barrage of criticism.

There are times when a critic is right … but much of the time, the critic means well but only represents his/her own ideas, not those of the majority of the congregation.

When I was a pastor, there were times when people accused me of doing something wrong and I disagreed with their assessment.

I heard their criticism … weighed their charges … but didn’t take their side … and in some cases, it made them angry.

A sampling:

*When I wrote my personal doctrinal statement for my district’s ordination committee, a committee member – a megachurch pastor and author – told me that my statement lacked warmth.

But isn’t a doctrinal statement supposed to be about truth and accuracy instead?

*When I met with a denominational executive many years ago, he told me, “You went to the wrong seminary.”

But should I have checked with him before applying to the school?

*The relative of a recently-deceased person from my last church called me up and chewed me out for preaching the gospel at his father-in-law’s memorial service.

But should I have mouthed pious platitudes and sentimental mush instead?

*A board member once chided me for preaching on “political issues” after I preached from Matthew 19 on Jesus’ view of marriage.

But aren’t the words of Jesus in Scripture both normative and relevant for Christians today?

*A couple once became angry with me for refusing to marry them.

But isn’t Scripture clear that a believer is not to marry a non-believer?

Sometimes a pastor knows that his critics have made a valid point.  There’s a little phrase I learned long ago for such situations: “Maybe you’re right.”

But there are times when a pastor’s critics fire bullets at him and the pastor knows they’re wrong … even if the critic believes they’re right.

When Paul appeared before the Roman governor Felix in Acts 24, Tertullus the prosecuting attorney accused Paul of being a “troublemaker” guilty of “stirring up riots among the Jews all over the world” and that Paul “tried to desecrate the temple.”  Acts 24:9 adds, “The Jews joined in the accusation, asserting that these things were true.”

But were they true?  In Paul’s mind, he was merely preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But in the minds of his critics, Paul was inciting public violence and attempting to destroy Judaism.

How did Paul handle this situation?  Agree with his critics?  Throw himself upon Felix’ mercy?  Head straight for jail?

No, Paul answered each accusation, and then says in 24:16: “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.”

Paul said, “I know my heart.  I have examined my motives.  I’ve mentally reviewed my actions, and before God, I am not guilty of the charges brought before me, and I haven’t done what you’ve accused me of doing.”

It takes a lot of courage to be a pastor today.  The verbal attacks against pastors are often cruel.  (Ever read an online story about Rick Warren?  He preached for the first time in months after his son’s suicide last weekend … and the critics were waiting with sharpened knives.  Check out this article from Time and read some of the comments afterward: http://swampland.time.com/2013/07/28/rick-warren-preaches-first-sermon-since-his-sons-suicide/)

Why bring this up?  Three reasons:

First, because when some churchgoers criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, and the pastor disagrees with their assessment, they become irate.  And from that moment on, they turn on the pastor.  But should a pastor surrender his integrity and agree with critics just to keep them happy and in the church?

Second, because when some board members criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, and he disagrees, they claim, “The pastor is stubborn and doesn’t listen to us.”  Most likely, the pastor heard the criticism loud and clear … he just doesn’t buy it.  When I was a pastor, if I had done everything my critics wanted me to do, I would have come off as a weak and ineffectual leader who was easy to push around.

Finally, because when some churchgoers criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, they want him to apologize and repent for hurting their feelings.  This presumes that a pastor has the ability to control the emotions of others – but he doesn’t.  Have you ever read the Gospels and noticed how many people Jesus offended?  For example, if you compare Mark 3:6 with Luke 6:11, you’ll see that when Jesus healed the man with the withered hand in the synagogue, the Jewish leaders became so furious that they began to plot His execution.  But they were responsible for the way they felt, not Jesus.

It is my job to control my actions and my feelings.  It is your job to control your actions and your feelings.  I cannot control your actions … and I cannot control your feelings … only you can do that.

If pastors had to ask themselves, “If I say this or do that, whose feelings might I hurt?”, they would never do anything.

Many years ago, when I was a pastor, I was accused of doing something that I didn’t do, and the charge really bothered me.  I knew before God that I had done nothing wrong, but that didn’t seem to be enough for a few people.  They wanted blood.

I happened to speak with someone from another profession about the charge, and she said something I’ve never forgotten: “Just because somebody accuses you of something doesn’t mean that it’s true.”

Yes, all pastors sin.  Yes, most pastors are deeply flawed.  Yes, there are times when a pastor steps over a line and needs to apologize and even repent for something he said or did.

But my guess is that the great majority of the time, a pastor cannot agree with his critics … unless they show him from Scripture that he’s wrong … and most critics operate on the basis of their own preferences.

Both Jesus and Paul were accused of doing many things wrong, but they ignored their critics and pressed on.  If they had agreed with their critics, we wouldn’t have a New Testament or a Christian church today.

I believe that the more a pastor focuses on his critics, the less he’ll advance the kingdom of God.  But the more he focuses on God, the greater impact he’ll have on expanding Christ’s kingdom.

And here’s the kicker: God usually doesn’t speak through critics … yet they assume they’re the voice of God … but they aren’t.

During my 36 years in church ministry, God spoke to me most often through (a) Scripture, (b) my pastoral instincts, and (c) my wife.

Critics held place #348 … and that was still too high.

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