Have you ever attended a “secret meeting” at your church?
I have … on at least three occasions. On each occasion, I as senior pastor met with the church board to discuss disturbing allegations that had come to light about staff members.
So what I’m about to write about does not primarily apply to officially called meetings of a church’s governing board … unless the board violates Scripture, church bylaws, and the gospel.
But have you ever had a group call a secret meeting about you?
Yes. I know of one definite secret meeting where I as pastor was the topic of conversation, although there have probably been others that I’ve never found out about.
During my second pastorate, a former board member (I’ll call him Bert) resisted changes that the church board and I had implemented in our worship service. Bert and his wife left the church and began attending elsewhere, but a year later – invited back by a few disgruntled individuals – he returned.
And right after Bert’s return, someone called a secret meeting. I was the unwilling focus of discussion.
The first attempt at meeting secretly didn’t work. A board member – who supported me 100% – showed up at the meeting unannounced. The meeting was quickly cancelled. (Secret meetings are no longer fun when they’re no longer secret.)
But the second meeting came off successfully. I was later told that 17 people attended the meeting. (That was better attendance than we sometimes had for midweek Bible study.)
Guess who became group spokesman? That’s right … my good friend Bert.
The group sat in a room and listed every sin … every offense … and every thing they didn’t like about me … my wife … my 9-year-old son … and my 6-year-old daughter.
They came up with quite a list. If they had only shown the list to me, maybe I could have repented of those sins and experienced instant sanctification.
But they didn’t show me the list … they wanted to show the list to the church board.
Fortunately, those 17 people couldn’t keep their mouths shut, and someone tipped me off to their tactics. The Secret Meeting Coalition wanted to meet with the church board to confess all my personal and professional sins.
So the following Saturday morning, I called a meeting with the church board in my office. First, I needed an answer to a crucial question:
“How do you feel about what the SMC is doing? Do you agree with them?”
The board assured me – to a man – that they stood behind me 100%. In fact, they said that if I resigned, they would all quit as well … which would place the church squarely in the hands of the SMC. Not good.
I then offered two suggestions:
“How about if two of you meet with two of their representatives?”
That evened the playing field … opened up the chance for dialogue … removed a lot of emotion from the meeting … and provided the best chance for me to be treated fairly. The board made this suggestion to the SMC, and they agreed to it.
“Rather than letting them read their whole list of charges against me, why don’t you answer each charge as it’s being made?”
The board thought that was an excellent idea, and that’s what they did.
After the two groups met, I was informed of the charges against me and my family. Mercifully, I can only remember a handful of them.
For example, I was accused of not reprimanding a woman in the church who wore her dresses too short … and the SMC was right about that. (Besides the fact that this woman’s marriage was falling apart, I never thought it was my place as a pastor to ever tell specific women how to dress.)
The SMC also brought up that my wife’s slip was showing one Sunday. (But if it bothered somebody so much, why didn’t they love my wife enough to speak with her directly instead of telling 16 other people about it?)
Every single criticism was precisely that petty. (If I had been guilty of just one major offense, they wouldn’t have had to manufacture miniscule offenses.)
After the two board members answered every single criticism, the SMC probably held several more secret meetings. They eventually left the church en masse, formed a new church in a school one mile away, and used our church as their sole mission field.
Let me make five observations about secret meetings in churches:
First, secret meetings are not found anywhere in the NT.
Secret meetings are spiritually dysfunctional … relationally damaging … highly political … and psychologically unhealthy. The secrecy itself says far more about group members than it does about anyone the group is focused on.
Peter Steinke, in his brilliant book Healthy Congregations: A Systems Approach, states: “When we are anxious … we are imprecise, vague, covert, less transparent. We operate in darkness. Secrecy is a deadly virus. Undetected, it can do untold damage, lasting for years. How can a congregation be a healthy community if it lives in darkness, keeps skeletons in the closet, and allows destructive disease processes to continue?”
Second, secret meetings are an unbiblical way to handle people’s grievances.
If someone was upset with me or my wife personally – according to Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:15 – they should have spoken with us directly, not about us to others. If they didn’t like the answer they received from us, they could have proceeded to bring in witnesses as Jesus specifies in Matthew 18:16. And if they were still unhappy about our personal conduct, they could have used the process Paul specified for correcting pastors in 1 Timothy 5:19-21.
But how was listing my faults and sharing them with board members going to help me to become a better person and pastor?
If someone was upset about a church policy – like changes in the worship service – they could have spoken with any board member because we had all agreed on the changes together. If they didn’t like the answer they received from a board member, they had two options: stay and submit to church leadership, or leave the church peacefully. A secret meeting was not going to resolve any of their concerns.
But when people pool their grievances, they automatically become divisive. Joe is upset with the pastor for Offense A … and now Madge is upset with the pastor for Offense A as well. She takes Joe’s side … carries his offense … adds a few of her own … and the whole group falls right into the trap that one author calls The Bait of Satan.
Division in a church begins when people begin to pool their grievances.
Third, secret meetings tend to overfocus on one person – usually the pastor.
These meetings are specifically arranged to find a scapegoat for the unresolved anxiety experienced by some group members. “We’re feeling uncomfortable right now, so let’s blame how we feel on the pastor – and if we can make a case against him, we’ll all feel ecstatic very soon.”
But the church would have been in far better shape spiritually if those who had met to hypercriticize their pastor met instead to confess their sins … read Scripture together … pray for church leaders … and engage in a service project for somebody else. But for some reason, they never found the time to do that.
Fourth, secret meetings reveal the immaturity of participants.
Let me quote Peter Steinke once again: “Secret meetings are not arranged for the welfare of the whole community, nor are they dialogical in nature…. Secrets support immaturity. Underground murmurers in a community are usually insecure, dependent, and childish people.”
Why is this? Because participants in secret meetings do not feel strong enough to share how they feel with their pastor or leaders. They only feel strong when they meet with fellow malcontents. But when they do, nobody will challenge them … nobody will disagree with them … and nobody will love them into health. And when they finally leave the room clinging to a list of somebody else’s faults, they are silently confessing that they don’t know anything about grace or redemption.
Rather than becoming angry with people who resort to secret meetings, we should genuinely feel sorry for them … and if they don’t repent, pray them right out of the church.
Finally, secret meetings consist of ecclesiastical vigilantes.
These people ignore the teachings of Scripture on reconciliation … bypass due process as outlined in church bylaws … and decide to take matters into their own hands. Their group alone knows what’s best for the church!
That particular group of vigilantes couldn’t make a go of their new church. They found attracting newcomers was hard going, although I have a feeling that they never figured out why. Their church eventually disbanded.
And you know what was ironic? When two of the people in that group died, I was asked to conduct their funerals.
I assumed that everyone in that group hated me, but they didn’t. Only a couple of people in that group really hated me.
It’s been 25 years since that secret meeting took place. I’ve learned a lot since then about healthy and unhealthy behavior among Christians.
And one of the things I’ve learned is that many of the secrets that arise out of secret meetings eventually become known. Nothing stays hidden forever.
And yet tonight … all over this land … Christians will be holding secret meetings … most of them aimed at their pastor.
To quote from an old folk song, “When will they ever learn?”
_______________
Check out my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org You’ll find my story and recommended resources on conflict. I will also be leading 3 seminars addressing church conflict on Saturday, August 17 in Temecula, California. The details are on the website. I’d love to have you join us!
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
Anger in the Church
Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Please Comment!, tagged causes of church conflict, church division, Ephesians 4:25-32; handling anger in the church; anger among Christians on April 17, 2015| 2 Comments »
Over the years, I’ve witnessed some pretty volatile moments in the churches I’ve served.
*During my first pastorate, I was teaching on the resurrection of Christ at a midweek study. When I mentioned that Christ’s resurrection couldn’t be scientifically proven, a board member stood up, barked, “Then we’re all wasting our time here,” walked out of the room, and slammed the door hard.
*In my next ministry, I threw some hymnbooks into the dumpster. They were so old that even the Rescue Mission wouldn’t take them. The greatest antagonist I’ve ever had in any church found them (I should have thrown them out at home) and told anyone who would listen that I was throwing out the old hymns and therefore should be tossed on the trash heap myself!
*Years later, in another church, a board member became visibly angry during three separate meetings. He kept promising to accomplish certain tasks, but didn’t get anything done, and when another board member called him on it, he went ballistic.
In addition, I’ve seen a board member stand up and lash out at a woman during a congregational meeting … had staff members adamantly refuse what I asked them to do … been fiercely challenged about my theology seconds after preaching … and on and on and on.
And from what I’ve heard from other pastors, most of the churches I served were mild in the volatility department compared to theirs.
Let’s be honest: Christians don’t handle anger very well.
We know that anger is often sinful and is one of the more overt misbehaviors in Christ’s church … so much so that Paul devoted 8 key verses to anger in Ephesians 4:25-32 … among the greatest words ever written on the subject.
I’m particularly interested in verses 26 and 27:
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Let me share four thoughts about anger in the church from these verses:
First, every Christian, being human, feels angry at times. We may not like admitting this, and may even try to hide our feelings, but there are times when each of us becomes very upset … even at church … and even with the best of God’s people.
In fact, Paul implies that this is normal behavior.
Just feeling angry isn’t sinful by itself. If we can control how we feel, and express it constructively, our anger can do much good.
But unfortunately, many Christians don’t express their anger very well. They suppress it until it explodes. (I heard one pastor say that there was a psychologist in his congregation who claimed that the pastor had more suppressed anger than anyone he had ever known.) Or they unleash it at the most inopportune times.
Second, it is possible to become angry without sinning. Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean that I have to express that anger verbally. I can choose to distract myself … pause before speaking … walk away … or deal with the source of my anger.
Put another way, I can control my anger rather than letting my anger control me.
Every time God issues a command in Scripture, He is saying to His people, “Not only do I want you to do this, I expect that you will do this. You have the power to choose.”
For years, I became angry every time I was driving and another car came up behind me and tried to force me to change lanes. If he kept pushing me, I’d finally get over, but then I’d yell at him and sometimes even chase him … both stupid, dumb, counterproductive actions.
I told myself, “This happens so often that I have to come up with a plan for dealing with my feelings.” So with God’s help, I did. Here’s what I do now:
If another car demonstrates road rage in my rear view mirror, I get in the next lane … let off the gas … and verbally say to the Lord, “May You send a Highway Patrol officer to arrest that driver.”
Works for me.
If someone at church keeps getting on your nerves, come up with a plan in advance on how you’re going to respond … and if possible, ask a friend or family member if you can be accountable to them for your behavior. Sometimes that plan involves using several different phrases that you can pull out of a hat to defuse the situation … or better yet, just ask the other person a question, such as, “What do you mean by that?”
Worked for Jesus.
Third, resolve any lingering anger that very day. If Christians took to heart Paul’s phrase, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” we’d have far fewer divorces among Christian married couples … and almost no destructive conflicts in churches.
Paul encourages God’s people to resolve that day’s conflicts before sunset … or, in the case of family members, before bedtime.
This summer, my wife and I will be celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary. Since we both have strong personalities … even though our temperaments are exact opposites … we sometimes cross verbal swords with each other.
It’s okay for us to disagree with each other … to express how we really feel at the time … and even to show a little anger. (I once heard evangelist Luis Palau say that if a husband and wife agree on everything, one of them is retarded.)
What isn’t okay is for us to go to bed angry with each other.
Early in our marriage, there were a lot of nights where we stayed up until midnight trying to iron out our latest disagreement. We were determined to obey this verse and not “let the sun go down” while we were still angry.
My guess is that we’ve only gone to bed angry with each other a handful of times over those forty years, and in every case, we quickly resolved matters the following morning.
This concept is so important that I believe that every successful married couple practices it. It’s unbearable to live in the same house day after day when you’re ticked off at your partner.
But the context in Ephesians 4 isn’t marriage, but the local church … and for some reason, when another Christian wrongs us … or we wrong someone else … we quickly become hurt … even angry … and rather than resolve matters by moving toward the other person, we move away from them, which creates distance.
And then we recite the hurt to others in hopes of seeking allies.
Most of the time, when someone in the church became visibly angry in my presence, I was able to listen … calm the person down … hear what they were upset about … and suggest a way to resolve matters.
But since most Christians believe they shouldn’t become angry … and should never express that anger … they just push their feelings underground, and it surfaces in the form of avoidance … sarcasm … gossip … slander … and even rage. (Paul was cognizant of the phenomenon of unresolved anger, commanding us in verse 31 to “get rid of all bitterness … rage and anger … brawling and slander … with every form of malice.”)
I’ve heard that pastors on the whole are an angry bunch … probably because we have a lot of be angry about. And sadly, I must confess that there have been times in my ministry when I overreacted … said something stupid … failed to restrain my emotions and language … and deeply hurt someone else in the process.
If and when that happens, I need to make things right with the target of my wrath as soon as possible because:
Finally, unresolved anger invites Satan’s influence into a church. Paul says that when believers don’t resolve matters before sunset, we are giving the devil “a foothold” into our life … and into our church family.
In fact, bitterness (mentioned specifically by Paul in verse 31) is probably the leading cause of church conflict … church splits … and pastoral termination.
It’s okay to share with another believer that I am upset about something they said or did … as long as I “speak truthfully” to my neighbor and remember that “we are all members of one body” (verse 25).
In other words, it’s fine to be assertive as long as I’m not aggressive (being assertive + angry) in the process.
But when I’m aggressive instead of assertive … and when I fail to speak directly to the person I’m upset with … and when I involve others in my dispute … then I’m making a situation worse, not better.
And Satan rubs his hands with glee, because now he has an entry point into the congregation: my own bitterness.
But I don’t want the devil to roam free throughout my church family. Instead, I want the Holy Spirit of God to have free rein (verse 30) and I want the devil chased away.
Paul concludes Ephesians 4 with one of the greatest statements in all of Scripture: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Translation: you’ve been angry with God and others on many occasions, haven’t you? And every time you’ve approached the Father and sought forgiveness, He’s forgiven you, correct?
Then when others are upset with you … even when their anger is unjustified … forgive them unilaterally.
And do everything possible to rectify matters with your brothers and sisters so you can reconcile with them … just as the Father reconciled Himself to us through His Son, Jesus Christ.
As I think back over my life and ministry, I find that I’m not upset about the people who came to me and bludgeoned me with their anger. Sometimes these were good people who were hurting in another area of their life and sensed I was a safe person to unload on.
No, I’m much more upset that I said or did something that may have driven someone else away from the Lord or His people … and that, if I did sense their pain, I didn’t resolve matters as soon as possible.
What are your thoughts … and feelings … about anger in the church?
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