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Archive for the ‘Conflict with the Pastor’ Category

It’s Never Too Late to Forgive

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Pastoral Termination on January 30, 2012| 2 Comments »

Today’s guest blogger is Chuck Austin.  He has been a pastor for many years and is currently serving as a transitional pastor at a church in San Jose, California.  We were talking on the telephone recently and he told me this unusual story that he witnessed.  I thought you’d enjoy reading it!

I arrived at one church where I served immediately following the dismissal of a pastor.  His dismissal had not been handled correctly and resulted in a great many people becoming unhappy, angry, and quite sad.  Many of the people had become disillusioned with their leadership and some called for all of them to step down.

As I listened and heard both sides of the event, I became convinced that the leadership of the church needed to do something proactive.  I even spoke with one of the men to specifically ask him to consider giving an apology to the church.  I left him alone to pray and to let me know when he reached a decision.  I knew that these men needed to go and visit the pastor who had been dismissed (which they all did over a period of time).

One Sunday, as we were getting ready to celebrate communion, the one I had spoken with came to me and told me that he needed to say something to the congregation – and he told me what it was.  He was quite nervous because he didn’t have any idea of the reaction he would receive.  Needless to say, I was excited about preaching God’s Word that Sunday, but I was also excited about this man taking this courageous step.

He spoke in a quiet voice that Sunday and I already knew that a lot of his biggest critics were sitting in the congregation on that particular day.  Following his statements to the congregation, we celebrated communion followed by a closing song and prayer.

Because the man who made this confession was involved in serving communion, he remained at the front of the auditorium following the service.  Immediately, a line of people lined up to hug this man.  Almost every one of them had taken the time to tell me what they thought of him since my arrival.  Now I watched as they waited patiently to talk to him.

There was no mistaking what was on their hearts: forgiveness.  You could see it in their faces, in their embraces, and in their words.  The mistake had been made and acknowledged and the congregation was there to show its support and love for the integrity the man showed.

Standing on the Word of God and doing what it says should never cause fear in any of us because when we attempt what the Lord has told us to do, He’s there to empower us.

On that particular Sunday, it made me proud to be a pastor, but even more proud to see someone take God’s Word and do the biblical mandate … and demonstrate that it’s never too late to ask for forgiveness.

And it’s never too late for a congregation to respond by forgiving as they themselves have been forgiven by God!

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Conflicted About Church Music Styles

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues on January 23, 2012| 8 Comments »

Which single issue has the greatest potential for conflict in a church?

The amount of a pastor’s salary?

The color of the ladies’ bathroom?

The temperature in the worship center?

How about the style of music played on Sundays?

I don’t know if that’s the big issue now, but it sure used to be.

In one church I served in the late 1970s, the youth planned to put on a musical by John Fischer called The New Covenant.  Based on 2 Corinthians 3, the musical was contemporary but hardly edgy.

One Saturday afternoon, after the youth practiced for the musical, a couple of men walked into the worship center and found a student playing drums.  The men immediately ordered the youth to leave the worship center.  They weren’t going to have drums in their church!

Wow, we’ve really come a long way since then, haven’t we?

Let me share three thoughts about resolving conflict involving church music styles:

First, choose a target group before settling on a music style.  If a congregation is filled with octogenerians who are sensitive to loud sounds, rock isn’t going to work.  But if a church is primarily composed of young families, rock may be the only style that works.

A music style is a language.  Styles are not inherently right or wrong.  While rock was once considered to be rebellious, everyone under 65 has grown up with it as the language of their generation.

When I attended Biola College (now University), someone in student leadership invited The Resurrection Band to play in chapel.  (Their motto was, “Music to wake the dead.”)  The band played uncompromisingly fast and hard.  While it wasn’t my style of music, some students walked out during their performance.  (I can still see the red face of a school administrator during the band’s set.)

There wasn’t anything wrong with Rez Band.  Their style worked great in certain venues.  But did it work that day in chapel?  Rather than foist that style on everyone, it might have been better for the planners to ask, “What kind of music do most of our students listen to?  Knowing that, who should we invite for chapel?”

Rather than start with a band or a style, it’s better to start with the target group and work backwards.

Second, determine a style and stick with it.  Every weekend at my church, I know which musical style to expect.

Rock.

Not classical.  Not jazz.  Not gospel.  Not hip hop.  Not show tunes.  Not folk.

Rock.

I don’t know when Pastor Don and his music leaders made that decision.  It may have been twenty years ago.  I’m sure when they made it, some people left the church.  When Saddleback Church changed their music years ago, Rick Warren said they lost hundreds but gained thousands.

If a church’s leaders don’t settle on one style, then people will lobby for the style they want behind the scenes.  And if that happens, conflict will break out, and it may not be controllable.

The style chosen should not be the pastor’s preference, or that of the worship leader, or the board, or the biggest donors, or the loudest complainers.

Instead, a style should be chosen that best speaks the language of the target group.

That’s not music – that’s missions.

Finally, make provision for those that prefer another style.  The builder generation grew up on gospel songs and hymns sung to piano and organ accompaniment.  When rock came along, it slowly wiped out gospel songs and most hymns.

When this happened, attendees had five choices:

*sit at home on Sundays and stew.

*watch Charles Stanley, Robert Schuller, or the Crouches on TV on Sundays.

*find a church where you liked the music style.

*threaten to stop attending and giving while recalling the board and firing the pastor.

*try and adapt to the style as much as possible.

I don’t like the “take it or leave it” approach.  There is something inherently selfish about it.  If you’ve been attending a church for years, and you love the church and its mission and its people, but you can’t stomach the new music, should you be forced to leave?

I don’t think so.

Imagine that you love rock, but that this Sunday, the worship music is done in a hip hop style.  It’s done that way the next Sunday … and the next … and the next …

You’d probably ask, “Hey, aren’t we switching back to rock on Sundays?”  If the answer was, “No, we’re a hip hop church now,” what would you do?

That’s how many churchgoers felt when hymns were exchanged for rock.

That’s why I’m a big advocate of the multi-venue approach on Sundays.  Everyone hears the same sermon – live or via a DVD – but people can choose the music they prefer from several different styles.

At the very least, a church can offer one or two contemporary services along with a more traditional one.

When people have:

*attended a church faithfully for years

*served the Lord with their gifts

*donated thousands of dollars, and

*prayed consistently for its leaders …

how can church leaders force those people to leave because they don’t like a church’s new musical direction?

Let me suggest a truce:

Church leaders can freely choose the musical style they believe will best reach their target group without interference,

and in exchange,

church leaders make provision for those who don’t like the new music to enjoy their old music in another venue.

Your thoughts?

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Conflicted About Church Music

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, tagged , on January 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

I am crazy about music.

In fact, as I’m writing, I’m listening to the aching beauty of Phil Keaggy’s guitar on iTunes.

But I can remember a time in the late 1970s when many Christians would go ballistic if they heard drums or a guitar in a worship service.  In fact, the 1980s featured the infamous “worship wars” in thousands of churches.

In some ways, the worship wars have subsided.  Boomers and their music are dominant in most churches today.  It’s rare to hear exclusive piano-organ instrumentation in services anymore.

But that doesn’t mean that music ministries are conflict-free today.  Far from it.

In fact, I believe there are qualities inherent in music ministry that readily lend themselves to conflict.

Let me share some of them with you:

First, people involved in music ministry want to sing and play perfectly.

I once had a discussion about music with Craig Bidondo, our music director in Santa Clara for three years.  Craig told me that he loved to play jazz on his keyboard because he was free to improvise, but if he played a classical piece, he had to get it note-perfect.

This is why vocalists and musicians rehearse for hours.  They want to present God their best when His people gather together.

But what happens if a backup singer is off-key, or the bass player keeps missing notes, or the sound guy doesn’t get the mix right?

That one person can affect everyone else on the team – and greatly upset the other musicians and singers.

But if they express their concerns, the offender may lash out or feel hurt.

Those of us who aren’t musical performers need to understand the stresses that singers and instrumentalists feel when they’re onstage.  We need to pray for them by name that God will use them to honor Him and touch people’s spirits – and that they will all support each other.

Second, those involved in music ministry want to look good onstage.  Microphones pick up every note played and sung to the congregation.  Lights reveal the various shapes and wardrobes and hairstyles of musicians and singers.

It’s natural for those onstage to want to look and sound their best – and this can make them feel self-conscious.

Those of us in the congregation do notice how people look and sound onstage, especially in churches where everyone up-front appears larger than life on giant video screens.

This magnficiation of people’s appearances and voices can make vocalists and musicians extremely sensitive.

25 years ago, I visited the Oakland Coliseum on a Friday morning to watch a Fantasy Baseball Game involving former members of the A’s.  There were maybe 100 of us in the stands.  At one point, I looked at the scoreboard and saw my face up there – and I was horrified.  If I had known I looked like that … I would have hidden my face between pitches … and I had no appreciable talent.

Christian musicians and singers can feel that way sometimes as well.  Just understand – and encourage them.

Third, the pastor and the music/worship director sometimes aren’t in sync.  This one is huge.

I was on the staff of an Orange County church where the music director was a woman.  She was a gifted accompaniest and vocalist – and I liked her personally – but boy, was she opinionated!  She liked a certain music style and was going to do things her way, and if you didn’t like it – tough.

She rubbed many in the congregation the wrong way.  They in turn constantly complained about her weight and aggressiveness and stylistic preferences.

When the pastor backed her up, she was fine.  But if he caved on her, she was toast.

She didn’t last very long.

My pastor is fond of saying that he doesn’t have to adjust to his staff – his staff have to adjust to him.

I’m in complete agreement with that sentiment.

I believe that the lead pastor and the worship director need to settle on a host of issues, including:

*the predominant style on Sundays

*the number of praise/worship songs

*the number of vocalists/musicians onstage

*the pre-service/post-service music

*a host of other issues

And just in case matters aren’t clear, they should put their decisions in writing.

While the pastor is ultimately responsible for the worship services, the music director is directly responsible for the music.

My preference was for the music director to suggest praise/worship/performance music.  I valued that input.  And if I had a song I wanted done, I would tell him.

I also had the right to veto songs I didn’t think fit, especially sappy songs that men couldn’t sing in church.

The pastor and the music director need to communicate constantly.  The worship director has the right to share his opinions, but he ultimately needs to abide by the wishes of the lead pastor.

And it’s the job of the music director to communicate and gently enforce the pastor’s directives for music to his team.

When the worship director can no longer do so, he needs to make plans to leave rather than use his musicians and vocalists to push back against the pastor.

J. Vernon McGee was fond of saying that when Satan fell from heaven, he fell in the middle of the choir loft.

While there are fewer choirs in our churches today, Satan still knows how to stir up trouble involving music.

But when everyone is working together, the music ministry can lead people into God’s presence and prepare hearts for the preaching of God’s Word.

Any thoughts on what I’ve written?

I’ll share more about music in my next article.

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How Pastors Handle Confrontation

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged on January 6, 2012| 6 Comments »

“Pastor, I’d like to set up an appointment with you soon.  When are you available?”

Whenever someone asked me that, my first reaction was to wonder if I had done something wrong.

I’d plumb the catacombs of my memory trying to figure out what I had done.  Was it something I said in a message?  Were they coming to complain about the music?  Or did their visit concern a problem with a spouse or another churchgoer?

I almost always got it wrong.

Like most people, pastors do not enjoy being confronted about anything – so pastors respond to confrontation in various ways. But as I mentioned in the previous article, it is biblical to confront a pastor about wrongdoing, although you may question if you’re the best one to do it.

If you do confront a pastor about a personal sin, let me share with you six possible reactions you might encounter, from the least to the most likely:

First, some pastors will question your right to confront them at all.  They will tell you they work for the Lord, not for anyone else, and that He alone corrects them.

In that case I’d be tempted to say, “If the Lord is the One who corrects you, maybe He hasn’t been paying attention recently,” but that’s probably unwise.

The pastor might even pull out that famous Old Testament phrase, “Touch not the Lord’s anointed.”

But realize that this phrase refers in context to David’s refusal to kill King Saul when he had the chance (1 Samuel 24:6,10).  Gently tell your pastor that you do not intend to end his life but to prolong his ministry by discussing a concern with him.

My guess is that there are few pastors around today who will respond this way.  Pastors may not admit it, but they do listen to their wives, kids, key donors, and close friends, so they don’t just listen to the Lord.

Second, some pastors will criticize you to others.  If you confront them, they will tell the staff, the board, their colleagues, and their family that you dared to take them on.  I even know of a pastor who would bring up people’s criticisms of him in the pulpit and then slam them (though not by name) in front of the congregation.

That’s one way to keep people from approaching you with their concerns.

This is the response many Christians fear most if they confront a pastor over an issue.  While it’s legitimate for a pastor to ask those closest to him if someone’s criticism might be valid, it’s unethical and unprofessional for him to take that concern into the pulpit.

Third, some pastors will listen to your concerns but disagree with your assessment.

If you express concern about the church’s direction, they’ll say you’re the first person who has ever disagreed with it.

If you tell them their humor borders on the tasteless, they’ll tell you that others seem to appreciate it.

If you criticize their preaching, they will tell you they don’t see it your way.

Many pastors are masters at making you feel like there is something wrong with you for having and sharing a different viewpoint.  If you receive this response, stand your ground but leave the ball in his court.

No matter who it is, you must earn the right to confront somene about an issue.

I once went to lunch with a man on the fringe of the church (and society) who decided to tell me what was wrong with my preaching.  In my view, he hadn’t earned the right to tell me how to teach God’s Word, so I told him, “If you don’t like my preaching, go somewhere else.”  He was the wrong messenger.

It’s not that I can’t learn from others.  I can.  (A board member once scolded me for putting down his beloved Dodgers during my sermons.  I stopped.)

Fourth, some pastors will confess, “You may be right.”  I learned that phrase from Marshall Shelley’s classic book on church conflict, Well-Intentioned Dragons.  This phrase lets people know they’ve been heard without committing the pastor to change.

“Pastor, the music is too loud in our worship services.”

“You may be right.”

“Pastor, I don’t think this church is ready for 55-minute messages.”

“You may be right.”

However, you can’t expect the pastor to use that phrase in a robotic fashion:

“Pastor, you should disband the board and run the church yourself.”

“You may be right.”

“Pastor, you should fire the associate pastor because he’s incompetent.”

“You may be right.”

The good thing about this phrase is that it shows your pastor has heard you – and isn’t that one of the goals in Matthew 18:15?  Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother.”

Fifth, some pastors will thank you for speaking with them.

This has been my response whenever people have confronted me about an issue.  Whether I agreed with them or not, I would tell them, “Thanks for bringing your concern directly to me.”

It takes courage to talk to a pastor, especially when he’s revered or has enjoyed a long tenure.  So whenever anybody came to me, I’d reinforce their adherence to Matthew 18:15 by acknowledging how difficult it must have been for them to approach me – and how much they must care about me for taking the risk.

I believe the great majority of pastors today will thank for you speaking with them as long as you approach them wisely.  (See previous article.)

Finally, some pastors will hear you out and make appropriate changes.  Pastors can be a very proud species.  You’re more liable to receive a defensive response to a confrontation than hear the phrase, “I totally agree with you.  I’ll make immediate plans to implement the changes you’ve suggested!”

So the likelihood is that if a pastor agrees with the substance of your concern, he may wait a while before making changes … so it looks like it was his idea.  But who cares as long as changes are made?

And he may have you to thank!

What are your thoughts about pastors and confrontation?

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Confronting Your Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, Ten Most Viewed Articles, tagged , , on January 4, 2012| 3 Comments »

*True or false: pastors are infallible.

That’s false.  I grew up in a pastor’s home, married a pastor’s daughter, and became a pastor myself, so I know better than most that pastors are sinners saved by God’s grace, just like every other believer.

*True or false: pastors need other believers to help them grow.

That’s true.  No matter how close a pastor is to God, he is still an imperfect being, and will be until he becomes like Jesus in the next life.  Pastors need mentors and friends and family just like anybody else.

*True or false: pastors sometimes need to be confronted about an issue in their life.

That’s true.  We all have our blind spots, pastors included.  Pastors can be lazy, or bitter, or insensitive, or arrogant – just like non-clergy.  If someone who loves a pastor confronts him about a possible sin, and that pastor changes, then he will grow more quickly to become like Christ.

*True or false: a pastor’s wife is the only person qualified to confront him.

That’s false.  While she may be in the best position to do so – living with him all week long – she may become so accustomed to his faults that she’s learned to overlook them.  Because my own wife has been so positive toward me and my ministry over the years, when she has taken the risk of confronting me, I know she’s usually right.

However, a pastor has interactions with many people when his spouse isn’t around, such as staff members, board members, counselees, ministry leaders, and people in the community.  A pastor’s wife can’t possibly witness all of his relationships.

*True or false: God may choose to use you to confront your pastor about an issue.

That’s true.  He may use you.

Imagine that some men from your church invite you to play basketball, and your pastor comes along.  You’re excited because you’ll have a chance to see who he really is away from the church.

But it doesn’t take long to discover that your pastor is extremely competitive.  He travels with the ball but won’t admit it, fouls other players without owning up to it, and throws in a few profane words at inopportune times.  And besides, every time his team scores, he engages in trash talk.

You’re hurt, disappointed, and even a bit angry.  What, if anything, should you do about it?

Your options:

You can let it go and treat his behavior as an anomaly.

You can ask other players what they thought about the pastor’s behavior.

You can go home and pray for your pastor.

You can write a letter to the church board and tell them how he misbehaved.

You can throw the ball at the pastor, or give him an elbow on the next rebound, or …

You can talk to the pastor yourself.

I recently saw the film We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon.  (Great film, by the way.)  In the film, Damon’s character has a talk with his son and refers to the importance of “twenty seconds of insane courage.”

In other words, if you have something important to say to someone, but you’re afraid, you only need “twenty seconds of insane courage” to say it.

Why should you be the one to say something?

Because you witnessed his behavior … which is why you can’t pass this assignment off on someone who didn’t experience it.

Some tips:

*Talk to him directly.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you [and your pastor is your brother, too], go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

Instead of pronouncing judgment upon him (“May God strike you dead for using foul language!”), ask him a question, like:

“Why do you use those words out here but not in the pulpit?”

“Why can’t you admit that you’re guilty of fouls like the rest of us?”

Even if the pastor is in a competitive zone and brushes you off initially, if he’s truly a man of God, he’ll eventually grapple with your questions.

I have a theory: in the majority of cases where a pastor is involuntarily terminated, those who are angry with him (staff members, the church board, others in the congregation) have never shared their concerns with him directly.  They tell everybody except the pastor … a clear violation of Jesus’ words.

*Talk to him privately.  Nobody likes to lose face by being reprimanded in public, including pastors.  Jesus says to “go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”

If you’ve trained yourself to confront other believers, then you could wait until after the game and ask the pastor if you could speak with him for a moment.  During those “twenty seconds of courage,” let him know that you love him but that his behavior stepped over a line.  Next:

*Talk to him lovingly.  Jesus says, “If he listens to you …”

Let me be honest here.  Many pastors are not good listeners.  They love to hear themselves talk but aren’t quite as generous when others are speaking.  You need to use a tone that compels your pastor to hear you.  I’d opt for a gentle tone (not a judgmental one) as mentioned in Galatians 6:1.  Finally:

*Talk to him redemptively.  What’s the aim of any confrontation?  Jesus encourages us to win our brother over.

We’re not trying to harm our pastor, but restore him.  He’s temporarily become fragmented.  We’re trying to help him become whole again.

Let me end today’s article with a quote from Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker:

“Your responsibility to go to someone who is caught in sin does not vanish just because that person is in a position of authority over you (e.g., an employer or a church elder).  Since these people are as human as you are, they will also sin and need correction (see 1 Tim. 5:19-20).  Of course, you may need to exercise special care in choosing your words when you talk with such a person.  Speak in a respectful manner, and do all you can to affirm your regard for that person’s authority.  In doing so, you may not only encourage needed changes, but also increase that person’s respect for you.”

Next time, I’ll discuss various ways that pastors respond when someone confronts them.

Have you ever confronted your pastor about an issue?  If so, how did it turn out?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Who’s Got Your Back?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination on December 9, 2011| 1 Comment »

Have you ever experienced the horror of knowing that someone was out to get you?

In fifth grade, I had a classmate named Darrell.  He had a bat he called Teddy.  He brought his bat to school, and Teddy broke while students were playing softball.  Darrell was livid.

He needed somebody to blame, so he chose me.  To this day, I have no idea why he did that.

Remember how everyone would freeze when the bell rang to end recess?  While everyone was frozen, Darrell threatened to beat me up.  He said that for every step I took, he was going to hit me twice.

I was faster than Darrell and could have dodged him, but I stood my ground.  Darrell charged me and began throwing punches.  They hurt.

But just as quickly, some classmates pulled Darrell off me and separated us.  I don’t remember if he got in trouble or not, but he never tried harming me again.

My friends had my back.

Life can be tough sometimes.  No matter how hard we try and dodge certain people – or issues – there are times when we need to stand our ground.  We make a decision.  We feel alone.  We’re uncertain how our decision will be received.

Will we suffer a strained relationship?  Will we lose our job or career?  Will someone we care about abandon us?

It’s during these times that we learn who our real friends are.

Due to a conversation I had with a friend recently, I recalled a difficult time in my ministry more than two decades ago.

A group of Darrells gathered together.  They were all upset with me about different issues.

One person felt I neglected the Senior Bible class members.

Another person was upset that I didn’t tell the drummer’s wife that she needed to lengthen her dresses.

Someone else had a complaint about my six-year-old daughter.

The group pooled their complaints and drafted someone to be their leader, a man who had left the church a year earlier.

They were finally going to be heard, and get their way, and gain the power they’d always wanted!

So they made a list of their complaints and presented them to two board members.

There was nothing impeachable in their list.  If you looked long and hard enough at anyone’s life, you could come up with a similar list.  In fact, I could have created such lists aimed at each of my detractors.

The two board members responded to each charge as they were made, taking all the fun out of the exercise for the antagonists.  They reported back to their group, packed up, and left the church for good.

When the group signaled their discontent with me, the board let me know that they had my back.  In fact, they told me that if I resigned over their complaints, they would all resign and leave the church as well.

They did not want to surrender the leadership of their church to a grouchy, divisive, angry group of church attendees who were showing their immaturity by their actions.

There is a moral to this story, and it’s this:

To be effective in life, you need people who have your back.

We can’t always predict how our decisions will turn out.  And after we make a decision, we can’t see who’s attacking us from the rear.

We need a few people who will keep watch and defend us against those who might attack us.

If a kid misbehaves at home, and his mother disciplines him, and his father comes home and hears about what happened, Dad better back mom up or chaos will result.

If a boss tells an employee to do something, and the employee does it, and a customer registers a complaint, the boss better stand behind her employee.

If a pastor confronts someone about their sin, and that person becomes offended and starts criticizing the pastor all over the church, the board better stand behind their pastor or they will sow the seeds of his demise.

Who’s got your back?

And whose back do you have?

Thankfully, God has the back of His followers.  He said in Hebrews 13:5, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?”

__________

Last month, I wrote this article (https://blog.restoringkingdombuilders.org/2011/11/07/comparing-arizona-and-california) comparing Arizona and California.  While some of my California friends resonated with what I wrote, not everyone agreed with my sentiments, even though they were partially tongue-in-cheek.

So in the interest of fairness, let me present a little poem entitled “Phoenix Wonderland”:

Palm trees wave, are you listenin’?

In the pool, water’s glistenin’,

A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight,

Livin’ in a Phoenix Wonderland.

Gone away is the blizzard

Here to stay is the lizard,

A warm sunny day, we like it that way,

Livin’ in a Phoenix Wonderland.

In the desert we will have a picnic,

Cactus, sand and rattlesnakes and sun.

Christmas dinner is an old tradition,

It’s pinto beans and tacos by the ton.

Later on we’ll perspire,

Temperatures rise even higher,

A warm sunny day, we like it that way,

Livin’ in a Phoenix Wonderland.

Makes you want to hop a plane and live in Phoenix, doesn’t it?

Enjoy your weekend!

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Stupid Pastors

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Jim's Ten Favorite Articles, Pastoral Termination on November 28, 2011| 8 Comments »

I shared a meal recently with a widely-respected Christian leader.

He told me why he eventually quit supervising pastors for a living.

In his view, too many pastors are stupid, and “you can’t fix stupid.”

To my knowledge, there aren’t any studies out there as to how many pastors are wise and how many aren’t.  My guess is that the vast majority of pastors are spiritually mature and possess great wisdom.

But my friend’s comments made me wonder:

What are the qualities of a stupid pastor?

First, stupid pastors think they know it all.

They come into a church with the attitude: “I know everything about the Bible and the gospel and church growth, so I don’t need to learn anything from anyone in this church.”

They don’t want to learn about a church’s uniqueness, or its past, or its community, or its people.

In fact, they purposely choose to ignore all of that.

They could learn from Christian authors, or neighborhood studies, or ministry mentors, or church consultants, but they don’t need anyone else’s help.  They already know what to do … and then proceed to show that they know nothing at all.

That’s stupid.

Second, stupid pastors do ministry by themselves.

They don’t believe that anyone in the church can do ministry better than they can.

They teach better than anyone.  They lead better.  They pastor better.  They cook better, they watch nursery kids better, they work with youth better.  Their motto is: “Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you.”

Because they think they’re superior to others, they gradually come to control everything in the church.

In the process, they devalue the biblical role of spiritual gifts and act like they’re the entire church body … or at least, its head.

That’s stupid.

Third, stupid pastors are insensitive.

They say the wrong thing to the wrong party at the wrong time – but they think they’re being authoritative or clever or witty when they’re really being obnoxious.

And the problem is … they have no idea how they come across … and they don’t care.

Rather than building bridges between people, they construct walls … and they’re surprised when those they’ve offended leave the church.

That’s stupid.

Fourth, stupid pastors surround themselves with equally stupid people.

Here is what I read from Ecclesiastes 10:5-7 in The Message this morning:

Here’s a piece of bad business I’ve seen on this earth,

An error that can be blamed on whoever is in charge:

Immaturity is given a place of prominence,

While maturity is made to take a back seat.

I’ve seen unproven upstarts riding in style,

While experienced veterans are put out to pasture.

It’s one thing for a pastor to choose his own ministry team.  It’s another for him to ignore the wisdom of spiritually mature individuals because he’d prefer to serve with hangers-on who need him to feel valuable.

That’s stupid.

Fifth, stupid pastors attempt to superimpose a model onto their current church.

A wise pastor comes to a church, and studies its history, and its leadership, and its community.

He solicits ideas about a church’s future from its people and leaders.

But too many pastors come to a church, ignore its uniqueness, put their head down, and try to turn that church into another church they know about.

A pastor may as well try turning his wife into a former girlfriend.  Ain’t gonna work.

It’s good to have church models, but a pastor needs to spend a long time studying his current church before he knows which model might work best.

But too many pastors think they know best … and try and turn First Church into North Point West or Saddleback North.

That’s stupid.

I’m just getting warmed up, but I’d like to hear from you.

What do you think stupid pastors are like?

And what should churches do with them?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

 

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Book Excerpt: Signs that Conflict is Brewing

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with the Pastor on November 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Here is an excerpt from my upcoming book on church conflict:

What are the signals that conflict may erupt in a church?

Christian leaders wish they could detect the early warning signs that conflict is ready to break out, but precursors to organizational conflict are not easy to identify with accuracy.  However, some church consultants believe that the initial indicator that antagonism may be brewing is the surfacing of complaints.  While every church has its share of unhappy adherents, a larger than normal quantity of complaints to and about its leaders may provide early warning signs.

The Bible contains many accounts of people murmuring against authority.  The Israelites grumbled about Moses and Aaron in the desert (Exodus 16:6-8).  The Pharisees and scribes complained that Jesus received tax collectors and sinners (Luke 15:2).  False teachers in the early Church were called “grumblers and faultfinders” (Jude 16).  People often resort to griping when they feel they cannot control their circumstances.

Sometimes frustrated individuals complain anonymously, which is never healthy for an organization because such protests cannot be weighed or answered.  People who carry grievances need to be willing to be quoted with their name attached, but it is even better to help the person share any concerns with those who can act upon them.  Most church leaders refuse to even read anonymous notes, although they sometimes make valid points.

Peter Steinke observes that anxiety is similar to a bodily virus in that it needs a host cell to replicate itself.  All forms of murmuring require the reinforcement of a host cell or cells to spread.  Four viruses, in particular, can turn a congregation into a “hot zone”: “The viruses are secrets (gossiping, whispering), accusations (blaming, faultfinding), lies (deceiving), and triangulation (shifting burdens elsewhere).”  The complaints can be about anything: the pastor’s sermons, the upkeep of the church property, the children of a staff member, or the music in a worship service.

Some people nitpick so often that others identify them as complainers who use whining as their primary way of relating to others.  Complainers expect that their grievances will be made right.  They can even put a church’s leaders on the defensive and make them feel guilty.  If a pastor or board can identify whether the flow of complaints are normal or abnormal, they can respond appropriately to address discomfort in the congregation.  However, often it is difficult to assess matters accurately.

A second signal that conflict may be beginning is reduced participation on the part of attendees.  Faithful individuals suddenly stop attending worship services on a regular basis.  People who enjoy serving God abruptly pull back from their ministry commitments.  Believers who have donated to the church cheerfully suddenly withhold their financial giving.  When this occurs among a handful of individuals, it is not cause for alarm, but a decline in overall attendance can be a foreboding sign.  Shelley and Robert Moeller believe that “some dropping out, however, is premature.  Some members don’t challenge the system enough to give it a chance to respond better to their needs.  Sometimes they drop out because they feel helpless to change or challenge the system.”  Richardson calls this behavior “emotional distancing.”  Frustrated believers may take this stance when they do not know what else to do, while other times they use withdrawal as the ultimate trump card in a power struggle and threaten to leave the church if they are unable to have their way.

A further signal that conflict could be building in a church is the formation of coalitions.  Individuals who have complaints against a church’s top leaders often find one another and band together.  Sometimes a coalition revolves around a cause, while other times people join such a group merely because their friends do.  While pastors become accustomed to complaints and do not lose much sleep over the reduced participation of a few people, the formation of coalitions alarms them because such groups easily can become divisive on a larger scale.  When a few random complainers pool their gripes, the result can be both toxic and explosive to a church family.  The great majority of the time, groups meet in secret to build a case, usually against the pastor.

Certainly Paul the apostle was familiar with the concept of coalitions when he chided the congregation at Corinth for the splitting of their church into various factions: “What I mean is this: One of you says, ‘I follow Paul’; another, ‘I follow Apollos’; another, ‘I follow Cephas’; still another, ‘I follow Christ.’”

Finally, when anxiety in a congregation is high, conflict will be high as well.  It is the job of church leaders to do all they can to reduce anxiety, which in turn should reduce the level of conflict.  Leaders do this through their own calm presence and by communicating honestly and often with the congregation.  But if the pastor is wounded and the board is plotting behind-the-scenes, neither party is likely to speak to the congregation, resulting in the problem only growing worse.

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When You Don’t Like Your Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Ten Most Viewed Articles on September 21, 2011| 2 Comments »

The other night, I caught the tail end of an episode of Little House on the Prairie.  A faith healer comes to Walnut Grove and wins over many of the townspeople, leaving Reverend Alden with a dwindling congregation.  He thinks about quitting, but after the faith healer is exposed, his flock returns.  Laura Ingalls’ final narration declares that the good reverend is “a simple man” and “a shy man” but that the people loved him very much.

When a pastor first comes to a church, he’s chasing a lot of ghosts.  Sometimes the shadow of a predecessor hangs over that church for a long time.  And when newcomers move into town, they bring with them mental images of their favorite pastor from the past.  And some people watch Joel Osteen or Charles Stanley on television before coming to church and compare their pastor to those superstars.

So it’s not easy for a pastor to come to an established congregation.  But when he does, there is one thing above all that he must do.

He must let the people know that he likes them.

Notice I didn’t say love.  That will come in time.  When I left my last church, I told the people how much I loved them because I did.  But I couldn’t have told them that during my first few months because I didn’t yet know them.  You have to know people to love them.

But you can let anyone know that you like them.

It has to be communicated in various ways:

*By greeting everyone you meet on the church campus, regardless of age, attractiveness, or temperament.

*By learning the names of as many people as possible as quickly as possible.

*By stopping to chat with people as often as you can.

*By smiling as much as you did on your wedding day.

*By approaching people rather than waiting for them to approach you.

*By accepting and understanding the traditions of the church before you try and change them.

*By taking the time to explain who you are as often as is prudent.

My son Ryan attends a church in Orange County with a pastor just like this.  On the many occasions that I’ve visited the church, if I walk anywhere near Pastor Terry, he sticks out his hand, gives me a warm smile, and says hi to me, even if he can’t remember my name.  He makes me think that he likes me.

So it’s easy in turn for me to like him.

However … there are pastors who just aren’t built this way.  They are more introverted, or reserved, or scholarly – and that’s okay.  Some of the most impactful pastors in our culture are not “people persons.”  I stood near Andy Stanley last year minutes after he gave a talk at my church and he looked awkward and uncomfortable as he sought a space away from people.

But great pastors continually give off vibes that they like the people in their church – and that feeling is reciprocated.

A pastor friend once recounted a conversation he had with a seminary professor, who told his class to “love the sheep and then lead the sheep.”  My friend was so impressed that he told the professor after class, “That was really great: lead the sheep and then love the sheep.”  The professor corrected him, “No, that’s love the sheep first, then lead the sheep.”

If a pastor leads the sheep and only later tries to love them, people will feel manipulated and distance themselves from that pastor.

But if the pastor loves the sheep first, the people will follow him almost anywhere.

However, no matter how kind or gracious a pastor is, there will always be someone in the church that doesn’t like him.  Maybe he reminds certain individuals of an abusive father or an ex-husband or a cruel boss.

I don’t like pastors who scream at their congregations.  When I was a kid, I heard a traveling evangelist speak at my church, and when he started yelling at everybody, I thought he was yelling at me.  Ever since then, I have recoiled from pastors who verbally assault their hearers.  It’s all right to become angry with sin – but not with sinners.

A pastor needs to let everyone know that God loves them – and so does he.  In fact, people have a hard time believing that God loves them if they think their pastor hates them.

So what do you do if you’re in a church where you don’t like the pastor?

Ask God to change your heart.  Try and get to know the pastor better.  Focus on his good qualities.  (There has to be some reason why he got the job.)  You might like him once you get to know him.

But if you’ve tried everything, and it’s just not working … then leave the church.  Find a pastor you do like.

Above all, avoid all attempts to join forces with those who want to get rid of him.

Try not to feel guilty about it.  Try not to blame the pastor.  There are undoubtedly people that do like him.

Just shop around and find another church.  Quietly vote with your feet.

It’s a short life, and we can’t afford to be miserable when we go to church.

Amen?

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Giving Your Pastor Feedback, Part 2

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment! on September 12, 2011| 1 Comment »

Last time, I presented four ways you can share feedback with your pastor:

*Speak only for yourself.

*Speak to him directly.

*Speak to him wisely.

*Speak to him positively.

Let me add three more ways:

Fifth, speak to him sensitively.  Learn his schedule and share your feedback at a time when he can receive it.

If you have something positive to say, you can share that pratically anytime.  If you have negative input, try and avoid sharing that on a Sunday.

The pastor needs to be “up” on Sunday, not only to preach, but also to meet people.  The pastor has been focusing on those few hours on Sunday morning all week long, and if you want to derail his ministry temporarily, then throw some criticism his way.  It may wound him enough that it impacts his ability to help others that day.

I don’t know how other pastors are on a Sunday, but I tried to be sensitive to God’s Spirit.  If God was going to use my ministry, I needed to be right with Him and right with others.  Although I always welcomed constructive suggestions, there were times when people meant well but said things that discouraged me.

One Sunday, a couple pastors visited our church in Santa Clara because they planned on starting an outreach-oriented church in a nearby community.  After the service, I greeted both of them.  One of the pastors was kind in his remarks, but the other one made derogatory comments about the service.  I had never met him before, and didn’t think he had earned the right to offer an instant critique.  His comment was all I could think about for days, and it deflated me.

A pastor friend once did some research on the best day to share criticism with a pastor.  Sunday was the worst day.  Tuesday was the best day.  Why Tuesday?  Probably because the pastor has worked through his emotions about the previous Sunday and is looking forward to the following Sunday with optimism.

So if you have any comments about today’s article, save them for Tuesday!

Sixth, ask questions rather than state opinions.  As a child, I didn’t enjoy taking communion.  The atmosphere was funereal.  The organ played softly while people bowed their head in reflection.  Didn’t Jesus tell His disciples, “Do this in remembrance of your sin?”

No, He said, “Do this in remembrance of Me.”  When I think of my sin, I’m somber.  When I think of my Savior, I’m grateful, joyful, and excited.  So during communion, I sometimes invited the congregation to focus on Jesus by singing.

While many people enjoyed this experience, some did not – and made it very clear to me.

One man expressed his displeasure to me about singing during communion three times on his response card.  After the third time, I sent him a letter telling him why I did it that way.  He promised he’d never complain again.

Which would have been more effective?

“I don’t like the way you do communion … I grew up in churches that did it another way … it should be a solemn time … I’m not used to it …”

or

“Why do we sing during communion?”

If you ask a pastor a question about a church issue, you make him the authority (which he probably is), and you can decide whether you like his answer and respond accordingly.  When you state your opinion like you’re the authority, you’re just setting yourself up for an argument.  There is a time and place to state your opinion, but before sharing it with the pastor, you might find out why he does what he does first.

Finally, avoid making threats.  Like most pastors, there are people who have said to me, “If you don’t start doing this or stop doing that, I’m going to leave the church for good.”

It is never wise to say that to a pastor.

Most pastors will think to themselves, “Fine.  Then leave.  If you’re going to threaten me, then we don’t need you around here.  Go mess up someone else’s church.”

I always figured that if someone threatened to leave the church, they were as good as gone anyway.  Most people have more sense than to say that.

The truth is that I usually welcomed feedback from people.  There were times when I wanted to do something in the church but either the staff or the board didn’t agree with me.  If some people came to me unsolicited and said, “Pastor, we need to fix and repaint that wall” or “We need to start a ministry for singles,” then I could share that complaint/suggestion with the appropriate group so they would know others felt the same way.

When you share feedback with a pastor, give him time to respond to you.  Sometimes people came to me with an idea and they wanted an instant answer from me, but I usually had to think and pray about it, as well as consult other leaders.

Feel free to share a time when you shared feedback with your pastor.  How did it go?

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