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Giving Your Pastor Feedback

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment! on September 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Have you ever wanted to tell a pastor what you really think about his ministry?

Pastors are gifts from the risen Christ to His church.  They are called by God to ministry, trained in Bible schools and seminaries, and devoted to advancing Jesus’ kingdom.  They work long and unpredictable hours, are sometimes poorly compensated, and endure nitpicky complaints.

When I first became a pastor, I didn’t appreciate the feedback some people gave me.  One Sunday, a woman shook my hand at the back door after the service and asked, “You’re not growing a beard, are you?”  I should have said, “Yes, I am, because I want to be like Jesus in every way possible.”  Instead, I replied, “Kathleen, you’re not being a Pharisee, are you?”

Over three-and-a-half decades of church ministry, I’ve learned a few things about giving and receiving feedback.  Let me share seven ways to give your pastor feedback so he can receive it:

First, speak only for yourself.  One Sunday years ago, five minutes before the service started, I went to use the men’s room, and Jim, the song leader, followed me.  As we were doing what men do, Jim told me that he and many others didn’t like the way we did communion the previous Sunday.  I asked Jim how many others didn’t like it, and he replied, “Five.”  I then asked who they were, and he refused to tell me.

In other words, Jim and four anonymous individuals didn’t like the way we did communion.

If Jim wasn’t going to tell me who they were – and I could pretty well guess anyway – then in my mind that was one complaint, not five.

It would have had far more impact on me if all five individuals had spoken with me directly.  That would have showed me they cared.  Maybe Jim originated the complaint and the others all nodded their heads.  Maybe they felt pressured to agree with him.  And maybe they all had different reasons for their views.  I needed to hear those from each individual.

Second, speak to him directly.  I once saw a comparison of the traits that are found in functional and dysfunctional families.  In functional families, people speak directly to those with whom they have an issue.  In dysfunctional families, people expect that others will speak for them.  For example, if I’m upset with my cousin Bill, I share my anger with his wife Betty in hopes that she’ll tell Bill – but I never tell Bill myself.

I have resolved that I will not carry negative messages from one person to another.  If Carla is upset with my neighbor, I refuse to pass that on to my neighbor.  Instead, I encourage Carla to tell my neighbor herself.

The same principle applies with a pastor.  Please don’t tell other people that you’re upset with him because it puts them in an awkward position.  It’s your issue, not theirs.  By complaining to others, you may be trying to gain allies in hopes that someone will pass on your feelings.  Resolve to either speak with him directly or remain silent and talk to God instead.

Third, speak to him wisely.  When I was a pastor, people gave me feedback in a variety of ways:

*A note on a response card

*An email

*A letter via snail mail

*A phone call to my church office or home (I preferred church)

*A quick conversation before or after Sunday services

*An appointment either in my church office or at a restaurant

If it was a relatively small issue, I welcomed a personal conversation or a quick email.  But if it was a serious issue, I preferred an appointment where I could look someone in the face as we talked.

I had lunch a few months ago with a longtime staff member from a megachurch.  This individual handles all the emails that people send to the senior pastor.  Evidently this is a pretty common practice in larger churches.  You’re just not going to reach the senior pastor through writing, so you have to catch him in the patio before and after services – or fight through his secretary to get an appointment.

But in small and medium-sized churches (under 500 in weekly attendance), you should expect the pastor to respond to you within a day or two.  Although many pastors ignore their emails, I made it a practice to reply to every person who wrote me – and I believe most pastors can find a way to do that.

Fourth, speak to him positively.  Most pastors are unsure how effective they are in ministry.  They can discern attendance and giving trends but they’re often uncertain how much they’re helping people.  So if your pastor does something well, tell him!

Years ago, I watched an episode of a TV show that I thought was outstanding.  I was telling my brother-in-law about it, and he asked me, “Have you told the people who produced the show about your feelings?”  I confessed that it hadn’t entered my mind – so I wrote them and thanked them for the show.

Find a way to tell your pastor that he did a great job when you really feel that way.  It won’t give him a “big head” at all.  A sincere compliment will encourage him, lift his self-esteem, reinforce the behavior you liked, and help him to remember your name!

Here’s a little secret: if you tell your pastor what you like about his ministry, he’ll listen better when you tell him about something you don’t like.  You’ll come off as objective rather than as a chronic complainer.

I’ll share a few more ways to give your pastor feedback next time.

What have been your experiences with giving a pastor feedback?

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Conflict with the Pastor

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories on August 29, 2011| 2 Comments »

Today is my 100th blog post!  I’d like to celebrate by telling you a story about the second pastor I worked for.

He was a tall man with loads of charisma.  He wore colorful shirts, loved to crack jokes, and had a thing for Star Trek.  I enjoyed listening to him speak, either from the pulpit or in private.  He was primarily an evangelist who had spent a lot of time traveling and speaking at revival meetings.  We got along well.

But it was soon evident that he wasn’t getting along with the Church Council, the church’s governing body.  At first, I only heard his side of things, but it wasn’t long before the Council’s view started to leak out.

The pastor told me that the church couldn’t grow because of the way the facility looked.  The facility was 90 years old and looked it.  There were cracks in the exterior church walls as well as the parking lot.  Some rooms hadn’t been used – or cleaned – in years.  Trained in the Robert Schuller style of church leadership, the pastor believed that the entire campus needed to be renovated before the church could attract new people.

However, there were two different perspectives on the Council.  One group – headed by the chairman – was ruthlessly legalistic, criticizing the pastor for every little thing he did wrong.  In all my years of serving Jesus, I’ve only met a few church leaders whose salvation I’ve questioned – but I did question his.  He was just plain mean.  I’ll never know how he became chairman.

Another group on the Council was more spiritually-oriented.  They wanted the pastor to feed them from God’s Word and lead them in a biblical manner.  They also wanted the pastor to work a full week.  (He only came in 6-8 hours a week at the church office.)

The pastor told the Council that if they requested his resignation, he would give it to them.  They eventually requested it.  He countered by quoting “Touch not the Lord’s anointed” from the Old Testament and promising the Council he would meet them in a business meeting to settle matters.

I was only in my second year of seminary, but I knew things were about to get ugly.

It was a tough situation for me.  On the one hand, I liked the pastor a lot, and thought that some people were exaggerating his faults.  On the other hand, the pastor didn’t seem to work very hard, almost as if he’d stopped trying.

When the business meeting was announced, I felt sick inside.  It should never have come to that.

Both sides began campaigning.  Since the church rolls hadn’t been cleaned up in eons, people invited their long-gone friends to show up at the meeting and vote their way.  One party traveled four hours just to vote.

The pastor assumed that it would take a huge vote to remove him from office – either 2/3 or 3/4, I don’t remember.  He was confident that the opposition lacked the votes to oust him.

The district minister came and talked for a few minutes, but most people didn’t even hear him.

When the vote was taken, there were 63 votes to remove the pastor and 54 to retain him.

The pastor believed that he had carried the day.  However, the moderator declared that the pastor had been officially removed from office.  As it turned out, the constitution was so poorly written that it didn’t specify the percentage of votes necessary to remove a pastor.  The last paragraph stated that in those areas where the constitution didn’t designate a percentage, any vote would revert to a majority.

The pastor was angry.  He verbally castigated those who voted against him.  The next day, he knocked on my office door and told me, “There are some very evil people running this church.”  I did not disagree with him.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

The church survived.  The district sent over an interim pastor who had a big wart on his nose but who loved Jesus.  I worked with him for a while until I was called to serve at another church.

Although they later changed their name, there is still a church on that property.  I visited it several years ago.  Churches are incredibly resilient.

I share this story because I know what it’s like to be in the middle of a big church fight – and it’s disorienting for everyone involved.  Even though I wasn’t the target, the whole experience resulted in heartache and the severing of relationships.

To be honest, the entire conflict was bungled from top to bottom.  That was the church where I learned how not to do things.

One of my primary goals with Restoring Kingdom Builders is to teach pastors, governing boards, and lay people biblical ways to correct and, if necessary, remove a pastor from office.

When these situations are handled well, it’s because the leaders patiently followed Scripture rather than business practices or the law of the jungle.

When these situations are bungled, it’s because Scripture was ignored or violated.

For the sake of our Lord Jesus and His kingdom, Christian leaders and churches must do better when they have a conflict with their pastor.

Thank you for reading my blog today!  In case you’ve missed some articles, there are 99 of them waiting to be read.  And you can subscribe to the blog so it will come directly to your computer or cell phone as soon as it’s published.

And if I write something that really resonates with you – and you think it might resonate with others – please link your friends to it via Facebook.  My best days for views have resulted from other people’s links.

On to the next 100 articles!

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Identifying Control Freaks, Part 2

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor on August 17, 2011| Leave a Comment »

How can you tell when a leader is trying to control you?

In my last post, I mentioned that control freaks:

*use guilt

*use manipulation

*are insensitive

Let me add three more characteristics:

Fourth, control freaks exude anxiety.  As I neared my 40th birthday, I realized that a lot of my thinking was affected by anxiety.  I was always concerned about what might happen.  This led me to try and plan my life so that I could minimize being hurt or harmed by others.

You might wonder, “How has that worked out for you?”

Not as well as I’d hoped.

It struck me that the more anxious I became over something, the more controlling I came off to others.

For example: most of the time when my wife and I travel, I drive.  On those rare occasions when she drives, I find myself inadvertently telling her how to drive.  (For some reason, she doesn’t like this.)  If we’re on the open road with no one around and she’s going 70, it’s all good.

But if road conditions are crowded, or I spot a Highway Patrol officer nearby, or it starts to rain, my anxiety leads me to start telling her what to do.

This happens with pastors, too.  As long as the road ahead looks good, and there aren’t any obstacles around, pastors can be charming and pleasant.  But when things at church get complex, and they’re feeling stressed out, and anxiety rises – many pastors can shift into control mode pretty easily.

And it’s not a pleasant thing to watch!

Fifth, control freaks utilize intimidation.  And this is where staff, board members, and ministry leaders want to jump ship on a pastor.

It’s always better for a pastor to draw sheep toward new pastures than to drive them.  It’s better to use persuasion than coercion.  But when the other leaders in a church become afraid of their pastor and his reactions, it’s impossible for those leaders to do their best work.

I once worked for a supervisor who scared me to death.  When he drove onto the premises, I’d freeze up inside.  I couldn’t predict his moods or his words.  He never commended me for anything but pointed out lots of things I did wrong.  Under that kind of pressure, I just wanted out.

But then a new supervisor was assigned to work with me, and he was fantastic.  He took the time to ask me questions about the job.  He demonstrated a caring attitude.  And he even pitched in and helped me at times.  I John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”

In the context of love, a pastor can correct a staff member or confront a board member.  But if a pastor uses fear as a continual weapon, he shouldn’t be suprised if people only do a minimal amount of ministry for him.

Finally, control freaks dictate methodology.  Such a person cannot assign you a job and let you do it your way.  They have to tell you how to do it as well.  They want everything done “my way.”

Let’s say that I ask you to clean a room at church.  It’s fine for me to say, “I’d like this room to look neat and clean by 4:00 pm because there’s a board meeting in here at 5:00.”  Then I can delegate that task to you.

But a control freak will say, “I want you to clean this room before the board meeting at 5.  So get the vacuum and a rag and the furniture polish and the window cleaner.  Here, let me show you how to clean the windows.  And here’s how I want the chairs.  No, not like that – like this!  And give me your cell phone.  I don’t want any distractions between now and 5.”

Control freaks want to be the source of all information.  They do not desire collaboration.  They don’t want your input on cleaning the room – they don’t care about what you think.  But they definitely want you to care what they think!

It’s difficult if not impossible to work with control freaks, either at work or in the church.  They may not realize it, but they demean and disrespect their fellow workers because they do not know how to train and delegate responsibilities.

How many pastors are control freaks?  There are as many control freaks as there are anxious pastors.

I’d guess, oh, 212,376.

Is your pastor one?

If so, pray for him.  Encourage him.  And give him more lead time when it comes to your ministry assignments.

But it’s hard for control freaks to change.  And if it all gets too much for you, you might have to prioritize preserving your health, sanity, and sanctification.

Of course, the ultimate solution for a pastor is to let Jesus Christ lead and control His own church on a daily basis.  As one of my seminary professors was fond of saying, “While Christ is the Head of the church in the body of Christ, some pastors want to be the neck.”

If you’re unsure what to do about a CFP (control freak pastor), consult with the Head.

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Identifying Pastors Who Are Control Freaks

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment! on August 15, 2011| 4 Comments »

Have you ever had a teacher from hell that you just wanted to forget?

There was a teacher who taught Russian literature at my high school, and to be kind, she looked like death warmed over.  Maybe that’s why she was so unpleasant, I don’t know.

The first day of class, she told us pupils to write our names in the top-right corner of every homework paper.  Not on the top right line – like every other teacher expected – but in the top-right corner.

I followed tradition, not her novel approach – and was promptly marked down.  I also received the only detention I ever got in school from her, although I can’t remember what I did wrong.  (Call her a Commie?)

And I can’t remember learning anything about Chekhov or Tolstoy or Dostoyevsky, either.

It’s one thing for a public school teacher to impose her personal preferences on her students.  It’s quite another matter for a pastor to do that.

What are some of the signs a pastor is a control freak?

First, control freaks use guilt.  My wife and I recently visited a church where the music leader gave a talk before the offering.  He told the people how much he loved the church but then chided them for not being as committed as he was, exclaiming, “Shame on you!”  Translation: there’s something wrong with you if you’re not as committed as I am.

Then the pastor told us that he’s tired of reading how millions of people are leaving local churches, saying that it made him mad!  Translation: if you ever leave this church, I’m going to get really ticked off at you.

While guilting works with a small segment of the Christian population, it rarely works with most people.  When the Spirit of God convicts us – especially through God’s Word – we feel true guilt.  But when someone is trying to push their personal preferences onto us, most of us see through it.

Leaders – including pastors – must appeal to higher instincts instead.

Second, control freaks use manipulation.  I once saw a televangelist do some fundraising inside an auditorium.  He told the congregation to stand up, so they all stood.  He then said, “Listen to the man of God!”  He told the men to take out their wallets and the women to open their purses – and to donate all their money when the offering plates came around.  He punctuated his appeal by reiterating, “Listen to the man of God!”  (I didn’t see him give anything.)

Thank God I was at home, because if I had been in that auditorium, I might have walked out.

I once ran across the difference between manipulation and motivation.  When a leader manipulates people, he tries to get them to do what is in his best interests.  When a leader motivates people, he tries to get them to do what is in their best interests.

So if a pastor encourages his congregation to donate money to the ministry to inflate his stats or so he can get a raise, he’s manipulating people.  But if he encourages them to give to expand Christ’s kingdom or so they can grow spiritually, he’s motivating them.

Pastors need to monitor their emotions, language, and tone when they speak to make sure they’re engaged in motivation, not manipulation.

Third, control freaks are insensitive.  They are so in tune with their own discomfort that they cannot sense when they are making others uncomfortable.

As a pastor, I ministered to various kinds of people.  Some could barely walk or hear.  Others felt rejected by almost everyone in the culture.  Some had no job or money.  Others kept doubting their salvation.

I tried to listen to each person who came to me with a struggle.  I tried to understand how they were feeling and how I might be able to help them.  Every caring shepherd does this.

But control freaks can’t be bothered.  They don’t see people as individuals but as part of a congregation they need to whip into shape.  Everyone needs to be going in the same direction at the same speed.  If you can’t keep up, they’ll leave you behind.

Years ago, I saw the film Lawrence of Arabia starring Peter O’Toole.  There’s a scene where Lawrence is riding all night with some warriors to attack the coastal city of Aqaba.  When daylight comes, Lawrence notices that one of the horses lacks a rider.  When Lawrence inquires about him, he’s told that the man fell off miles back and should be left to die.

But Lawrence can’t do that.  He reverses field and rides back for hours until he finds the man immobilized on the hot ground.  Lawrence places the man on his horse and rides back toward Aqaba.  When he arrives with the man near dusk, Lawrence becomes the undisputed leader of the invading party.

He cared about every single person.

Control freaks don’t mind losing people along the way.  In fact, they expect it.  “If you can’t get with my program,” they reason, “then I don’t want you around here anyway.”  They only care about those who can help them reach their goals.  Everyone else is dispensible – especially those who require too much attention.

What have you seen along this line?

I’ll write more about control freaks in leadership next time.

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Why Attack Pastors? Part 2

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment! on August 5, 2011| 11 Comments »

In my last article, I mentioned the book Crushed by former pastor Gary Pinion.  Although most of the book is about the pain that pastors in general are experiencing today in ministry, the author relates a personal story about one of his own pastorates.

One day, a governing leader came to Pastor Pinion and told him that several people in the congregation had complained to him about the pastor.  When the pastor asked how long this had been occurring, the leader replied, “Several months now.”  The pastor then asked the leader, “Have you told even one of the complainers to come and visit with me about their concerns?”  The answer was, “No.”

When a pastor hears that people have been publicly pooling their complaints about him, it makes the pastor uneasy, because he knows this is how major conflicts in a church are launched.  And when a leader fails to encourage the complainers to speak with the pastor personally about their issues, unbiblical behavior begins to snowball.

When Pastor Pinion learned that one of the complainers was “a catalyst for all the lies and innuendos that had been circulating,” he invited the man to his office.  When the pastor confronted the man, he began to yell and scream, “You are not feeding me and I have been at this church a lot longer than you and I have sure given a whole lot more money to this church than you and I’m not leaving!”  Pastor Pinion laments that “that was the beginning of my ‘forced exit.'”

Why do professing Christians abuse and attack their pastors?

Last time, I mentioned three possible reasons:

First, they are angry with God, and blame His audible, visible messenger for something God did or didn’t do.

Second, they are angry with their father and blame the man of God because he reminds them of their father in some way.

Third, they feel that the pastor slighted them in some way.

Here are four more possibilities:

Fourth, they want their pastor to be someone he’s not.  Most Christians have a favorite pastor from their past.  Maybe he always said hi to them, or baptized them as a child, or helped their family through crisis.  Or maybe they have an affinity for a particular pastor on television or radio.  Or maybe they’ve combined the attributes of many pastors into one perfect pastor.

Although they may not be aware of it, they measure all subsequent pastors by their mental ideal.  And when they finally discover that their current pastor cannot be the person they want him to be, they feel hurt, disappointed, and angry.  They want their pastor!  And if they can’t have him, they’ll begin a whispering campaign or call their favorite pastor and complain about the current one.

Fifth, they want to retain their friendships.  Have you ever had this experience?  You’ve been reading your Bible recently and feel convicted about the way you sometimes talk harshly about other people.  So you resolve that you’re either going to keep your mouth shut or only say kind things about others.

One day, you go out to eat with some church friends, and one of them starts criticizing your pastor.  You instantly recall your pledge to the Lord, but you also want to join in the conversation.  Before you know it, you’re agreeing with some of their criticisms and adding a few of your own.  Although you feel guilty as soon as you leave the restaurant, you convince yourself that no real harm was done.

Why did you do it?  You wanted to fit in with your friends.  After all, when the pastor isn’t around to defend himself, he doesn’t seem so great, does he?  In my previous article, I shared the story about Pastor Pinion’s friend who flipped on him and couldn’t tell him why he did it.  I know why: his destructive friends meant more to him than his godly pastor.

Where are the Christians in our day who know how to stand up for what’s right?  If we can’t stand up to fellow Christians when they are committing evil deeds, how authentic is our faith?

Sixth, they think the pastor is attacking them through his preaching.  Think about this: the only person in our culture who consistently tells adults how to live is the pastor.  The president gives speeches but doesn’t talk about divorce or sexuality.  Your boss may give occasional talks but she never encourages you to love God or others.  Your spouse may not like the way you manage money but he never sits you down for a 30-minute lecture on tithing.

Christian pastors regularly give unpopular messages about unpopular topics from an unpopular book – and occasionally in an unpopular tone.  The worst possible response I could have to a talk I gave was to have no response at all.  As Spurgeon used to say, you want people to be “glad, sad, or mad.”  But when some people get mad at a pastor – often just for preaching what the Bible says – they can go on the attack and harshly criticize him to others.

Finally, they want the pastor to leave.  The man who came to see Pastor Pinion told him, “I have been at this church a lot longer than you and … I’m not leaving!”  When people get to this point – whether they say it to their pastor’s face or not – they’re saying, “Either he’s going to leave or I’m going to leave … and it’s not going to be me.”

Sadly, there seem to be people in every church who assign themselves the project of getting rid of the pastor.  Sometimes they’re members of the governing board or staff.  Sometimes they’re a long-time member or a former pastor or the leader of a coalition.  But they have made up their minds that they cannot co-exist with the pastor.  By all rights, they should leave the church – quickly and quietly.  Instead, they convince themselves that this is their church – not his – and that he needs to leave their church as soon as possible.

Unless the pastor is guilty of heresy or destructive behavior, this is a supremely selfish action.  After all, most of the people who attend that church are there because of the pastor, not because of the board or a long-time member.  Besides, every church belongs to Jesus rather than chronic complainers.

If people would put the same energy into praying for and encouraging their pastors as they do into criticizing and attacking them, everyone would benefit.

What is God asking you to do for your pastor?

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Why Attack Pastors?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment! on August 3, 2011| 4 Comments »

I’ve been reading a book by Gary Pinion called Crushed: The Perilous Side of Ministry.  A pastor for 30 years, Gary knows the dark side of the church firsthand.

He tells the story of a pastor who moved to a church in the South hoping to stay for a lifetime.  The pastor received a 96% affirmative vote from the congregation.  The church had a competent staff, a large bank account, and claimed that all they needed was “a good leader.”

After a short while, the church expanded from one to two services, and the church appeared successful.  But several of the governing leaders began engaging in “guerilla warfare” behind the scenes.

After 21 months, the pastor was shaking hands at the end of the second service when he was asked to go immediately to his office.  When the pastor arrived, he was shocked to see 21 men there who asked for his resignation by 5 pm that evening.

The pastor called aside a man in the group – someone he thought was his friend – and asked, “Why?”  His friend could not give any reason and seemed to be embarrassed to be part of the lynch mob.

Why?  Why do some people attack their pastor?  Why do they verbally crucify him to others?  Why do they start a whispering campaign against him?  Why do they meet in secret, exaggerate charges against him, fail to speak with him directly, and then covertly attempt to force him to resign?  Why?

For starters, some people are angry with God.  They view the pastor as God’s leader and messenger in their church.  They aren’t comfortable verbally attacking God – after all, He’s invisible and inaudible – so they pursue God’s visible and audible servant instead.  My guess is that they aren’t conscious of what they’re doing, but they do it anyway.

When King Herod Antipas arrested, imprisoned, and then executed John the Baptist, the real culprit behind the execution was his new wife, Herodias.  Because John had been telling Herod that “it is not lawful for you to have your brother’s wife,” we’re told that Herodias “nursed a grudge against John and wanted to kill him” (Mark 6:18-19).  But John wasn’t the source of the Jewish law: God was.  John was merely God’s messenger.  Some people attack godly leaders – including pastors – because they are angry with God about something.

Second, some people are angry with their father.  Paul told several churches that he was their spiritual father (1 Cor. 4:15; 1 Thess. 2:11) and that they were his spiritual children.  That’s a great metaphor if you sensed that your father loved you when you were a child.  But if your relationship with your dad involved pain, it’s easy to transfer that pain to another father-like figure: the pastor.

When I was a pastor, I didn’t mind if some people viewed me as a father figure.  If a person was raised by an abusive or cruel father, I tried to show them by example that a man can be loving and kind.  But I can think of several situations where I had to say something tough to someone – even though I said it gently – and they reacted with anger against me.  When I thought about it later on, I realized that I may have sounded like their father.  While I don’t think people are conscious of doing this, the pastor usually isn’t aware of the dynamics, either.

Third, some people feel their pastor has slighted them.  In my first pastorate, we had a service every Sunday evening.  One night, there were 25 people present, and I got a brainstorm: let’s go around the room and offer words of encouragement to each person present.  Everyone thought it was a great idea.

The people loved saying kind things about each other and hearing others say positive things about them.  It was only later that I discovered, to my horror, that we had missed Norman completely.  I wish someone had pointed it out, and I didn’t do it on purpose, but the damage was done.  (To his credit, Norman didn’t attack me – but he and his wife slowly vanished from church life.)

This is why I was always careful as a pastor about complimenting individuals in public.  If I thanked the music director for a great song but not his vocalists, they would be upset.  If I thanked a staff member for an achievement but didn’t thank the other staff, they would be upset.  When it comes to hurts, some people are turtles while others are skunks.  When hurt, the turtles – like Norman – pull into their shell.  The skunks – and I could give you a whole list of names! – spray a foul odor on anyone they meet.  The lesson is clear: never slight a skunk!

When Paul wrote Romans 16, he greeted several dozen people by name at the church in Rome.  I wonder if he missed anybody?  If I had one chance to be immortalized in the pages of Scripture, and found out I was slighted … you get the picture.

I’ll share four more reasons people attack their pastors next time.  Can you think of any more?

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Pastors and Power

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Please Comment!, tagged , , , , on July 22, 2011| 4 Comments »

How much power should a pastor have in a church?

Should a pastor have absolute power to make decisions?  Or should he implement change only after consulting with other leaders?

I once met with a well-known pastor in the San Jose area.  He had a commanding presence and seemed like someone who knew how to wield power firmly.  He told me that he had two boards in his church.  One kept telling him, “Go, go, go!”  The other one kept saying, “Slow, slow, slow!”

Over my years as a pastor, some people told me that I needed to exercise more power than I did, while others labeled me a dictator who didn’t let others make decisions.  I suppose most pastors struggle with the proper balance here.

Let me share with you five principles about how pastors should wield power in a church:

First, a pastor’s authority originates from God.  A pastor does not gain power through ordination, or by being a seminary graduate, or by attending a conference at Saddleback or Willow Creek.  No, a pastor’s authority comes directly from the Holy Trinity.  The Father, Son, and Spirit call specific individuals to pastoral ministry.

Before ascending to heaven, Jesus told His disciples that even His own authority was derived from His Father: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me” (Matthew 28:18).

And Paul told the elders/pastors of the church at Ephesus that “the Holy Spirit has made you overseers” (Acts 20:28).

Many – if not most – of the men who pastor a Calvary Chapel are taught “The Moses Principle” of leadership.  God spoke directly to Moses, and Moses told the people what God said.  Pastor Chuck Smith is fond of asking pastors if they work for the Lord or for the board.

Since God calls people to be pastors, those pastors always need to be accountable to Him for the way they exercise authority.  While the Godhead truly possesses all authority for all time, a pastor’s authority is both partial and temporary.  Therefore, it needs to be stewarded wisely.

Second, pastors are to advance the kingdom of God.  They are to say with Jesus, “Thy kingdom come,” not “my kingdom come.”  It is the job of a pastor to make Jesus look good, not make himself look good.

Pastors should be content to have people talk about Jesus rather than themselves.  It is unworthy of a pastor to aim to make a lot of money, or to become famous, or to be unnecessarily admired, or to have his eye on a larger church.

I Peter 5:6 is written in the context of church leadership and says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”  A humble pastor knows that he is accountable to God and that the Lord will reward him in His own time and way.

In other words, it’s important for a pastor’s motives to be pure – and a true desire to build God’s kingdom usually results in more pastoral power, not less.

Third, a pastor earns power as he serves people.  A pastor cannot stay in his church office all day and earn power by thinking up new projects.  He earns power by touching the lives of hurting people.

In my second pastorate, there was a couple that didn’t seem to like me.  The husband was standoffish and the wife could be caustic at times.  While they weren’t overtly antagonistic toward me, I didn’t really know how to win them over.

Three years into my tenure, the wife’s mother died.  As I ministered to the family in their time of grief, I could sense that things were changing.  Before long, this couple was one of my best supporters – but it took time.

Isn’t this what Jesus said in Matthew 20:26-28?  “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

If anyone deserved to exercise authority over people, it was Jesus.  He had the ability to force people to do things against their will – but He identified and met their needs instead.  He never bulldozed anyone over.  He presented His case and let people make up their own minds about His kingdom.

I am eager to follow a leader who says, “I care about you.  Come follow me.”  But I resist following anyone who says, “Do what I tell you to do just because I tell you to do it.”  Uh uh.

Fourth, a church grants a pastor power when it trusts him.  When should a pastor begin to make major changes in a church?  Some experts say, “The pastor should start making changes from Day One.  He’s in his ‘honeymoon period’ and can do no wrong.”  Others counter by saying, “But how can a pastor institute major changes when he doesn’t yet know the congregation or the community?”

For example, Ronald Richardson summarizes the view of Israel Galindo in Galindo’s book The Hidden Lives of Congregations: “A believer in longer pastoral tenures, he suggests that it may take about five years to get to know a congregation well enough to articulate a vision of ministry.  This seems exactly right to me.  During that time, the pastor can become an accurate observer of the congregation, get to know the subterranean forces at work, and make a solid connection with the leaders and members, finding out what ‘church’ means to them.  It is also critical that the pastor find ways to honor and respect the members of this church and what they have created over time.  Within this context, the pastor then courageously upholds a vision for mission and ministry that fits that specific congregation.”

A pastor cannot go into a church and automatically implement an agenda that he’s read about or seen work in another situation.  Every area and fellowship are unique.

The wise pastor realizes that trust takes time.  This is why a pastor’s best years begin after he’s been in a church for at least five years.  The people have learned that the pastor truly knows them, understands them, loves them and wants what is best for them.  He doesn’t view the church as a mass of statistics but as a collection of individuals and families whom he deeply treasures.

If a pastor truly loves the people of his church, then he should retain the title “pastor.”  If he sends off signals that he doesn’t love them, then he should be called “reverend” or “CEO” or “your royal highness” – anything but “pastor.”

That’s a title that must be earned over time.

Finally, a pastor’s power needs to be shared.  While I thank God for all the leaders in the Old Testament, I don’t think that pastors should ever be viewed strictly as generals (like Joshua) or kings (like David) or prophets (like Amos).  While Israel did have elders, the OT is filled with stories of individuals making decisions in consultation with God alone.

But the New Testament applauds a plurality of leaders in a local church setting.  Read Paul’s words to the elders in Ephesus (Acts 20:17-38) or Paul’s instructions about overseers to Timothy (1 Timothy 3:1-7) and Titus (Titus 1:5-9) or Peter’s admonitions to elders (1 Peter 5:1-5).  There isn’t just one governing leader in a local church – there are many.  Some elders are set apart and paid because of their giftedness in leading and teaching (1 Timothy 5:17-18) but every NT church has multiple leaders – not just one.

However, I believe that a pastor needs to set the agenda for a church.  As he reads Scripture, prays, studies the community, and learns the congregation, the Lord gives him a direction for the church.  (If a pastor chooses to implement change without the governing leaders, that’s a formula for termination.)

The pastor then shares his agenda with the leaders.  Unless the pastor is promoting heresy or building his own kingdom, those leaders need to take the time to understand that agenda so they can fully stand behind it.

No church can have a board alone set the agenda.  I can’t think of a single church that is doing anything for Jesus where the board casts the vision.  That’s going nowhere.

Instead, the pastor needs the leaders to help promote and explain and even defend his God-given agenda.

But more than anything, the pastor needs the board’s counsel as to the timing of the agenda.  If the pastor gets too far out ahead of the congregation, some people will become highly anxious and conflict will break out.  If the pastor lags behind the congregation, there may be calls for a new leader!

This is why leadership is an art, not a science – and why your pastor needs your prayers so very much.

 

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Take Your Hands Off the Church!

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged , , , , , on July 5, 2011| Leave a Comment »

A friend sent me an article yesterday reporting that Dr. Robert Schuller, founding pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California, was voted off the church’s board.  He had retired as the church’s pastor five years before.

Christians often have strong opinions about Dr. Schuller.  I have met believers who watched the Hour of Power every week without fail and loved it.  Others have not been as complimentary.

Dr. Schuller once lived across the street from my uncle and aunt when they lived in Garden Grove.  He invited them to help him begin his drive-in church.  They ended up at a different church instead.

When I was a kid, our family took a Sunday off from our own church and visited Garden Grove Community Church, as it was known then.  We all sat in our car and watched the service from the parking lot.  While it was definitely different, it was hard to see what was going on from our car’s back seat.

Years later, when I was in seminary, I read Dr. Schuller’s book Your Church Has Real Possibilities!  The book upset me.  There was little Scripture to back up Schuller’s approach to church growth.  Instead, he married American business principles with church ministry.  I probably wrote more disparaging comments in the margins of that book than any other book I’ve ever read, even though his ministry seemed “successful” at the time.

Eleven years ago, my son lived about a mile from the church, so one Sunday I decided I’d attend a service at the famous Crystal Cathedral.  While I didn’t care for the dueling organs or the TV cameras, Dr. Schuller spoke on “You shall not commit adultery” and absolutely nailed the message.  But when I looked around at the congregation, it was obvious the church was aging without reaching younger people.

Let’s put it this way: several years ago, there were twice as many kids at Vacation Bible School at my former church in the Bay Area than they had at VBS that year at the Crystal Cathedral – their multi-story children’s building notwithstanding.

There are many ways to look at the decline of the Crystal Cathedral: aging leadership, overly optimistic growth projections, too much debt, a watered-down gospel message, an ostentatious property (complete with statues and a cemetery), several unfortunate suicides on church grounds, and an inability to connect with younger people, to name just a few.

But there’s another possibility (no pun intended): Dr. Schuller’s inability to take his hands off the ministry.

Founding pastors have enormous clout in a church.  Their family members form the original core group even before the pastor selects his own.  Everyone who attends the church likes the pastor’s preaching and leadership.  If the average pastor gets two votes on the governing board, the founding pastor gets five.  The power can become intoxicating.

But … when a pastor resigns or retires, he needs to leave that church for good.

For starters, it’s wise for him to leave the community.  If a pastor leaves a church but chooses to live in the area afterwards, his presence will linger like a long, dark shadow over his former church.  And whenever people are disgruntled with their new pastor, they will be tempted to consult with their former pastor.

A friend of mine was the associate pastor in his church.  When the senior pastor stepped down because of a medical condition, my friend was asked to be the senior pastor.  However, the previous pastor remained in the church and the community, gradually undermining my friend’s leadership until he was forced to resign.

People inside the church chose not to follow my friend’s vision for the church because his predecessor failed to support him.  But if the previous pastor had moved away, my friend could have led the church unhindered.

There are exceptions to this practice, of course.  The pastor or a family member might be ill and need to stay in the area for medical treatment.  Or the pastor might have a daughter who wants to complete her senior year of high school before moving.  But even if the former pastor stays in the community …

Next, he should never intervene in that church’s affairs.  My former denomination had a code of ethics for pastors, and those ethics clearly state that once a pastor leaves a church, he is no longer to interfere in the way it’s governed.  If a pastor does intervene, he should be called out on his lack of ethics, but this only works well in hierarchical denominations – and many former pastors know this, which is why some undermine their successors from the cover of darkness.

The pastor, staff, and governing board have been given both the authority and responsibility under God to lead a given local church.  A former pastor – no matter how wise or powerful or popular he is – must relinquish his influence to God.

John the Baptizer said it best while talking about Jesus in John 3:30: “He must become greater; I must become less.”  John was saying, “My ministry is nearly over, while His is just beginning.  It’s time for me to step aside and give someone else the spotlight.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Third, it’s crucial that departing pastors direct complainers back to church leaders.  Let’s say that while I’m writing this article, a friend from a former church calls and wants to tell me about an issue involving the new pastor.  Ethically, I shouldn’t even listen to her concern.  Instead, I need to encourage her to speak directly with her pastor and the church’s governing leaders.

I’m not on campus.  I don’t know all the facts.  Besides, I’ve only heard one side of the story and may never hear the other side.  While I want to help my distressed friend, the best way I can help is to stay out of it and encourage her to resolve matters on her own.  Later on, I wouldn’t want to hear that that pastor was mistreated and wonder if I had something to do with it.

Finally, it’s all too common for pastors to have vendettas against their successors.  Let’s say that I’ve been the pastor of a church for fifteen years.  I’ve grown to love the staff, the leaders, and the people, very, very much.  We did some great things together: increased attendance, baptized new believers, and built a building.  The memories are precious.

But eventually I resign and move out of the area.  And after a while, the church calls a new pastor, someone who doesn’t know me and all the great things I did for the church.  While I’m bewildered as to why the church chose him, I share my opinions with my wife and no one else.

But as time goes on, I begin hearing about some decisions that the new pastor has made, and they baffle me.  When some friends from that church visit me, they tell me how much they despise the changes … and I have a decision to make.

If I agree with my friends at all, I validate their complaints and indirectly embolden them to take action against their pastor.  It’s like I have become their pastor-in-exile – and if they look to me as their pastor, they may want to remove their current pastor from office – and use my words to do it.

Because make no mistake, my opinions still carry enormous weight with some people.

The truth is that some pastors are egomaniacs who always view a former church as their church.  They want to take credit for every good thing that happens at that church even after they’ve left.

They haven’t learned to give all the glory to God.

Let’s return now to Dr. Schuller.  He retired as the senior pastor of Crystal Cathedral at the age of 79 but remained on the church board five more years until he was removed on July 3.

Wouldn’t it have been better for him to leave the church a few years ago – and possibly the entire Orange County area – so that his successor could lead and teach without his gigantic influence?

In fact, Dr. Schuller chose his son to succeed him, and less than three years later, removed him as senior pastor.  Now his daughter leads the church, and a lot of people don’t like the changes she’s made.  The church continues to decline.

While Dr. Schuller did build the church (humanly speaking), the church desperately needs to turn around – and it’s an axiom of leadership that the same leader who built the church cannot turn it around.

Wouldn’t the church benefit without any Schullers but with fresh leadership?

And haven’t attempts to control the church fractured their own family unity?

But here’s the problem: the Schullers can’t take their hands off the ministry.  They seem to view the Crystal Cathedral as their church.  In the process, they’re running it into the ground.

When Dr. Schuller dies, he won’t be able to control the church anymore.  Why not just “die” to the church and walk away right now?

Why not leave it in the capable hands of the Head of the Church, Jesus Christ?

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How Would You Handle This Church Nightmare?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Jim's Ten Favorite Articles, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged , , , on July 1, 2011| 2 Comments »

The following post is meant to be interactive.  Along the way, I have included some questions that I’d like to have you answer for your own benefit.  Compare your responses to what actually happened in the story.  Thanks!

Yesterday I read a true story about a church that faced a terrible situation.  The story comes from church consultant Peter Steinke’s book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times.  I do not wish for anyone to be upset by this story, so please know ahead of time that the story turns out favorably for all.

Here’s what happened:

A young girl in a church accused her pastor of molestation.  Two leaders, Tom and Diane, met privately with the pastor to notify him of the charge.  By state law, they had to report the charge to a governmental agency.

The pastor shook his head and quietly responded, “I have never touched her.  Never.”

1.  Which option would you recommend for the pastor if you were Tom or Diane?

  • Stay and fight the charge.
  • Take a leave of absence.
  • Resign immediately.
  • Hire an attorney.

Which option did you select?

Tom and Diane recommended that the pastor take a leave of absence.

However, the pastor eventually decided against that option because he felt it indicated guilt.  He told the leaders, “I need to clear my name, but I don’t want to drag the church through this for months.”

Tom and Diane knew they had to inform the congregation of the charge, and when they did, a group of members thought the pastor should resign.  The leaders of the church were warned that most cases like this one are based in fact.

2.  What should the leaders do now?

  • Insist that the pastor stay and fight.
  • Encourage him to take a leave of absence.
  • Recommend that the pastor resign.
  • Let the process play itself out.

Which option did you select?

The leaders decided to let the process of justice go forward and stand behind their pastor until the legal system made the next move.

The leaders also decided that they would meet every week for prayer followed by a sharing time where they would openly discuss what they were thinking.

Tom shared that he believed the pastor was innocent.

Diane wondered how stable the girl was based upon the fact that her parents had gone through a terrible divorce two years earlier but had now jointly hired a lawyer.

Another admitted that she was being pressured by other members to withdraw her support for the pastor.

The pastor told the leaders that he would hold no resentment if anyone felt compelled to withdraw their support from him.

One leader chose to resign.

Marie, another leader, stood solidly behind the pastor because she had been falsely accused of something at her own workplace.

A few anxious leaders turned against the pastor and condemned him.

3.  If you attended those weekly meetings, what would you as a leader do now?

  • Insist the pastor stay and fight.
  • Encourage him to take a leave of absence.
  • Recommend that he resign.
  • Let the justice process run its course.

Which option would you select at this point?

The leaders chose the last option once again.

Fourteen weeks later, the charges against the pastor were suddenly dropped.

4.  What should Tom and Diane do now?

  • Verbally berate every person who doubted the pastor’s innocence.
  • Encourage all the doubters to return to the church.
  • Shame those who didn’t stand with the pastor.
  • Just turn the page and move on.

Which option did the leaders select?

They decided to personally contact anyone who doubted the pastor (or the leaders) and welcome them to return to the church – no questions asked.

5.  What did the leaders of this church do that was so unique?

  • They stood behind their pastor whether he was innocent or guilty.
  • They ignored almost everything the congregation told them.
  • They waited for the truth to come out before making a judgment.
  • They took the easy way out.

Which option did you go with?

The third statement best reflects the mindset of this church’s leaders: they chose to let the justice system take its course before deciding the pastor’s future.

According to Steinke, many people facing these conditions become what psychologists call “cognitive misers.”  They instinctively draw either/or conclusions: either the pastor is innocent or he’s guilty.  Either the pastor is good or he is bad.

But the leaders of this church are to be commended for not letting anxiety make their decision for them.  When certain people were calling for the pastor’s resignation – and even staying home from services until he left – the leaders stuck to their original decision and let the legal system do its work.

The pastor’s job, career, and reputation were all saved.

The church’s reputation and future were preserved.

The decision of the leaders was vindicated.

Why?  Because the leaders chose to make their decision based on truth rather than (a) unity, (b) politics, (c) groupthink, or (d) anxiety.

Let me quote Steinke on this issue fully:

“Nowhere in the Bible is tranquillity preferred to truth or harmony to justice.  Certainly reconciliation is the goal of the gospel, yet seldom is reconciliation an immediate result.  If people believe the Holy Spirit is directing the congregation into the truth, wouldn’t this alone encourage Christians who have differing notions to grapple with issues respectfully, lovingly, and responsively?  If potent issues are avoided because they might divide the community, what type of witness is the congregation to the pursuit of truth?”

In other words, the church of Jesus Christ does not crucify its leaders just because someone makes an accusation against them.

Think with me: if unity is more important than truth, then Jesus deserved to be crucified, didn’t He?

The accusations against Jesus caused great distress for Pilate, resulting in turmoil for his wife and animosity between Pilate and the Passover mob.

The Jewish authorities had to resort to loud and vociferous accusations to force Pilate to act.

The women around the cross wept uncontrollably.

The disciples of Jesus all ran off and deserted Him in His hour of need (except John).

Jesus’ countrymen engaged in mocking and taunting while witnessing His execution.

Who caused Pilate, the Jewish authorities, the women, the disciples, and the Jewish people to become angry and upset and depressed?

It was JESUS!  And since He disrupted the unity of His nation, He needed to go, right?

This is the prevailing view among many denominational leaders today.  If a pastor is accused of wrongdoing, and some people in the church become upset, then the pastor is usually advised to resign to preserve church unity, even before people fully know the truth – and even if the pastor is totally innocent.

In fact, there are forces at work in such situations that don’t want the truth to come out.

That is … if unity is more important than truth.

But if the charges against Jesus – blasphemy against the Jewish law and sedition against the Roman law – were false and trumped up, then Jesus should have gone free even if His release caused disunity in Jerusalem.

The point of Steinke’s story is that leaders – including pastors – need to remain calm during turbulent times in a church.  There are always anxious people who push the leaders to overreact to relieve them of their own anxiety.

If Pilate hadn’t overreacted … if the mob hadn’t … if Jesus’ disciples hadn’t … would Jesus still have been crucified?

Divinely speaking: yes.  It was the only way He could pay for our sins.

Humanly speaking: no.  What a travesty of justice!

20 centuries later, Jesus’ followers can do a better job of handling nightmarish accusations against pastors.

Instead of becoming anxious, they can pray for a calm and peaceful spirit.

Instead of making quick decisions, they can make deliberate ones.

Instead of aiming for destruction, they can aim for redemption.

Instead of holding up unity as the church’s primary value, truth should be viewed that way.

If the pastor in this story had been guilty of a crime, then the leaders would have had to agree on a different course of action.  Sadly, these things do happen in our day, even in churches.

But in this case, the leaders stood strong and did not let the anxiety of others – or their own – determine the destiny of their pastor and church.

They opted for truth instead, and the truth will set you – and everyone else – free.

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Why Do Staff Flip on Their Pastor?

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, tagged , , , , on June 29, 2011| 6 Comments »

In my last post, I discussed a problem that seems to be increasingly prevalent in our day: staff members forming alliances with board members or other staff against their pastor.

This kind of behavior is one of the reasons why pastors are being forced to resign from their positions at the rate of 1,300 every month.

Of course, we can find an example of this inside Jesus’ inner circle when Judas collaborated with the Jewish authorities to tell them where Jesus was hiding out the night before He died.

Betraying an innocent man is an evil action, whether it’s Judas flipping on the Messiah or a staff member turning on his pastor.

Theologians have wrestled for centuries about Judas’ motives for turning in Jesus.  Was it purely for the thirty pieces of silver he received?  Was it because Jesus disappointed Judas in some fashion, like not being the political leader he wanted Him to be?  Was it because of Satan’s gradual influence in Judas’ life?

We may never know for sure this side of heaven.  However, let me share with you four reasons why staff members – most often, associate pastors – flip on their supervisor, the senior pastor – and I’m assuming here that the senior pastor is innocent of any major wrongdoing.

First, the associate pastor wants to be a lead pastor.  I wanted to be a pastor when I was nineteen years old, but I knew I’d have to finish college, complete seminary, and be ordained before that would happen.  I was a youth pastor in three churches before ordination, and because none of those churches had associates, I was the top staff member in the church behind the pastor in each situation.  While it was no secret that I wanted to become a pastor, I knew that I had to undergo a process before that would ever occur – and I had a lot to learn.  There was no way I could hurry the process along.  Since I believed that God had called me to preach, it was a matter of waiting for God’s timing.

It never occurred to me to conspire with some board members to “take out” the pastor so that I could become the senior pastor – and no one ever suggested it to me.

However, this scenario is happening more and more in churches, and when it does, my guess is that most people never discover what really happened.  All they know is that the lead pastor resigned and that the board announced that the associate would assume the pastor’s duties – either as an interim or as a pastoral candidate.  Most people never discover that the associate and some board members engineered the whole thing.

A variation on this is that the staff member resigns and starts a new church a short distance away from his former church.  The core group for the new church is almost exclusively composed of friends from the ministry he just left.  This kind of church plant creates pain for all parties that lasts for years.

Second, the associate chooses to rebel against the lead pastor.  Senior pastors all have different management styles.  Of the five I served under, only one was directive, while the others let me run my own ministry.  The only pastor who really gave me direct orders was the first one – and I did my best to do what he said.

As a pastor, I tried to hire staff members who were self-starters and who could do their job better than I could.  While I gave them general direction, I rarely gave them orders – and when I did, they usually didn’t like it.

Here’s my theory: when a pastor hires a staff member, he often does a “sales job” to convince that person to come aboard.  Sometimes the sales job continues for a few months as the pastor acclimates the associate to the ministry.

But when the pastor has to correct the associate for any reason, he becomes upset and thinks that the lead pastor has turned on him.  Looking back over my ministry, I have found that this was often the key moment in our relationship.  In my mind, I was just trying to make their ministry better, but in their mind, I was criticizing them needlessly.

When I was in eighth grade, I had a math teacher named Mr. Heymers.  Even though he was young in age and short in stature, he started the year using a firm tone and letting us know in precise terms what he expected from us.  Most of us were scared of Mr. Heymers at first, but as the year progressed, he loosened up a lot.  He became the best math teacher I ever had.

When I supervised staff, I may have started a bit too loose, so when I eventually had to get firm about something, some staff members couldn’t handle it – and they went in search of allies.

By the way, I believe that if a staff member is given a direct order by the senior pastor (provided he’s not asking him or her to sin), and the staff member refuses to carry out the senior pastor’s directive, the staff member is guilty of insubordination and subject to dismissal.  While I never fired a staff member for this reason, in several cases, maybe I should have.

Third, the associate has an immature spouse.  Which of the following associate pastors has the best chance for success?

Associate A is married to a woman who never wanted to be a pastor’s wife.  She has a high opinion of her husband and an even higher opinion of herself.  She constantly tells her husband things like, “You’re a better preacher than the lead pastor.  You’re a better leader.  You work harder than he does.  You should receive more recognition.  You should be paid more.”  And when her husband comes home and says he had a disagreement with the senior pastor, she becomes angry and complains about the pastor to family and friends – most of whom take her side.

Associate B is married to a woman who believes she was called to be a pastor’s wife.  While she believes her husband is a gifted man, she constantly encourages him to work with the senior pastor in collaboration, not competition.  She tells him often, “Our pastor is a good preacher, and I thank God for him.  You’re a good preacher too, although you’re both different.  You’re a wonderful leader as well, although you still have some issues to work on.  While I wish you made more money, our day will come.”  And when her husband tells her about a disagreement that he had with the lead pastor, she tries to get him to see his supervisor’s viewpoint as well as understanding his.

The first associate is far more susceptible to flipping on the senior pastor because of an entitlement mentality.  The second associate can look forward to a long career in ministry because he’s waiting for God to elevate him.

Fourth, the associate starts collaborating with a board or staff member.  If an associate has problems with the senior pastor – and I’ve been in this position myself – he has four options: (a) prayerfully submit to the pastor’s wishes, (b) discuss the situation directly with the pastor, (c) seek counsel from someone outside the church (like a counselor, a pastoral colleague, or a seminary professor), or (d) leave that ministry.  If the associate doesn’t feel he can speak directly with the pastor (or has tried but become frustrated), he may look around the church for sympathetic ears and “triangle” someone into their situation.  This is where division starts.

Once the associate finds this person, then (a) he stops working on his relationship with the senior pastor, and (b) his new collaborator carries his burden for him.  In fact, the collaborator may very well pass on the associate’s complaints to other board or staff members – and over time, a consensus may form: the senior pastor has to go.

The lead pastor’s offense?  “He hurt and upset the associate pastor – whom many of us love very much.”

Let me share two possible solutions for this perennial problem:

First, if the associate cannot support the senior pastor anymore, he should resign as soon as possible.  Don’t stay in the church and undermine the pastor, forcing him to leave – the associate should leave quietly.  It is not up to the senior pastor to adjust to the staff – it is up to the staff to adjust to the senior pastor.

Second, the associate pastor may choose to admit his mistakes to both God and the senior pastor and renegotiate their relationship.  This is possible only if the associate hasn’t already complained to others inside the church about the lead pastor.  A humble, teachable spirit works wonders.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

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