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Pastors Who Cause Trouble

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Ten Most Viewed Articles on February 18, 2011| 3 Comments »

When I was a kid, I thought pastors, like Mary Poppins, were “practically perfect in every way.”  My pastor-dad sure seemed that way, and when we got together with his own pastor-dad, he seemed flawless as well.  I began to assume that all pastors were just as admirable.

After my father left the ministry, our family attended a much larger church where the pastor and his pulpit were much further away from us congregation-sitters.  The pastor’s stance behind the pulpit, the lights that shone on him, and the distance between us all made me feel like he was only two miracles away from sainthood.  When he left our church for another assignment, our family bought his 1965 Chevy Malibu (my first car, which was totaled in an accident.)

When we eventually attended another church, that pastor’s churchly proximity to the people was much closer, but he was even more distant emotionally.  When I shook hands with him at the door, he always said, “Hi, guy.”  As I recall, he never even asked my name.  (We teenage boys all look alike, I guess.)  That pastor eventually resigned.  Years later, I learned why.  I’d rather not share the reasons.  They’re not pretty.

After my formative years, I served on church staffs under three senior pastors.  Then I became a pastor myself and have met and known scores of pastors.  I admire pastors because of their dedication, sacrifices, and perseverance.  Being a pastor is a 24/7, 365-day calling.  And in the days ahead, I want to help pastors who have gone through tough times in their congregations, especially those who have become the victims of a forced exit.

But I have met and known pastors who were ticking time bombs, too.  Let me share with you five kinds of pastors who inevitably cause trouble in congregations.

First, there is the pastor who has an inflated view of himself.  This pastor has charisma, a forceful personality, and can quickly attract followers.  He’s usually a compelling speaker and may be a dynamic leader.  During his initial years in a congregation, the church grows quickly.  But behind-the-scenes, this pastor begins to alientate people.  He becomes obsessed with his appearance or his bank account.  He tells everyone that he drives the best car and lives in the greatest neighborhood.  He demands that people around him call him by his proper title (“pastor” or “doctor”).  But this individual values image over character.  He’s really a loner because no one can ever get close to him.  He thinks that rules apply to others, not himself.  And worst of all, this person rarely admits mistakes because he will always find somebody else to blame.  There is a term we use for such people: narcissists.  And there are too many of them in church ministry.  (The stories I could tell!)

Next, there is the pastor who does everything himself.  In a word, he overfunctions.  I once knew a pastor who could be found every Friday afternoon in the church worship center.  Was he praying?  Rehearsing his message?  No, he was cleaning!  He wanted everything “just so” for Sunday.  He chose to act that way because of personal anxiety.  In a similar vein, in the first church I served as pastor, a room in my home served as the church office, and I was the functioning office manager.  I had a used mimeograph machine in my garage and I typed lessons and leadership things onto stencils, placed each stencil onto the machine, and then turned a crank to obtain copies.  (I can still smell the ink.  Ick!)  While I had to make those copies, I quickly learned that I should (a) limit my responsibilities to those tasks that I did best, and (b) hire staff or recruit volunteers to do everything else – and then release them to do the ministry.  Pastors who feel like they need to oversee or do everything in a church end up pastoring smaller churches – and sometimes are forced out because they can’t trust anyone to do things as well as they can.

Third, there is the pastor who is just plain lazy.  In other words, they underfunction.  I served under one.  He was in the church office about six hours a week.  He didn’t introduce any leadership initiatives.  Nobody ever knew where he was (this predated cell phones by twenty years).  On Sunday evenings, rather than present a prepared message, he took questions from the people.  He was very likeable (I still smile when I think about him), and he was very good to me, so I hesitate to say anything uncomplimentary.  But in the end, he was voted out of office in a public meeting, and if there was any one charge that could be laid against him, it would have been “doesn’t work hard enough for this congregation.”  The average full-time pastor works 50-60 hours a week, but there are those who feel they can barely work at all and get away with it.  They rarely do.

Fourth, there is the pastor who never listens.  When I was a youth pastor, I went to lunch with a friend who reads this blog.  While we were conversing, he said to me, “Jim, the way you’re talking now is fine in the pulpit, but it doesn’t work in a restaurant.”  Ouch!  He was right, and I tried to adjust my way of relating to people over the years, but one of the occupational hazards of preaching is that sometimes you forget to turn it off.  At least I was aware of the problem.  I have met too many pastors who were way too insensitive.  They believe that whatever they have to say is automatically more interesting than whatever you have to say.  One time, I was having lunch with a group of ten pastors around a table at a conference, and for a solid hour, the pastors of the two largest churches were the only ones doing the talking.  They never asked any of the other pastors their names, or where they were from, or how their ministry was going.  These guys just lectured the rest of us like we were supposed to take notes.  This “pecking order” takes place among pastors because the American church believes that the larger your church, the more successful you are.  (I feel a rant coming on, but I am practicing self-restraint.)

Finally, there is the pastor who is way too nice.  At first glance, this might not seem like a problem, but it definitely is.  A pastor who is “a really nice guy” tries to cultivate an “I like everyone” image, but that’s unsustainable in church ministry.  A nice pastor will eventually get bulldozed by a dominating board member.  A nice pastor won’t be able to confront staff members when they mess up.  A nice pastor will pull his punches when he preaches, rarely saying anything very memorable.  (John the Baptist, Jesus, Paul, and Peter all had an “edge” about them when they spoke.  While John the apostle didn’t, he was the exception.  Today he’s the rule.)  While I like the pastor of our church very much, he sometimes lets it fly.  (Last Sunday, when he tore into “superficial Christians,” Kim and I both said “Amen” at the same time.)  77% of all pastors are “feelers” on the Myers-Briggs test and they tend to wilt or run under pressure.  While nice pastors are often pleasant to be around, they usually don’t get much done, either – and when their critics come after them, they find that “being nice” won’t save their job.  Nice pastors don’t cause trouble themselves, but they permit trouble in their churches because nobody fears them.  Think about it.

I could have mentioned many other kinds of pastors who cause trouble – like dominating pastors, controlling pastors, promiscuous pastors, manipulative pastors – but I’ll save those for another time.  The great majority of pastors don’t cause trouble.  They faithfully teach God’s Word, model a Christlike life, endeavor to win the lost to the Lord, and try to spread the aroma of Jesus to everyone around them.  I’m glad God called me to be a pastor, and I’m very glad for the pastors who have been in my life.

But what can the people of a church do if their pastor is causing trouble?  I’ll address that five days from today.  (I’ll be putting our new place together next Monday.)  Until then – stay out of trouble!

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Detecting The Enemy’s Work

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Fighting Evil, Pastoral Termination on January 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »

How can we know when the devil is responsible for conflict in a church?

I asked that question over lunch many years ago to a worldwide expert on spiritual warfare, Dr. Ed Murphy, who wrote the massive book The Handbook for Spiritual Warfare.  Dr. Murphy was a professor of mine both in college and in seminary and had been supported as a missionary by my home church.

His answer?  “That’s the $64,000 question,” he replied.

James seems to indicate that conflicts originate in our sinful nature.  He writes in James 4:1-2: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.”  Paul appeals in the name of Christ to his spiritual family in Corinth and pleads “that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (I Corinthians 1:10).  Neither James nor Paul indicate that Satan is involved in every conflict, whether it’s between a husband and wife, parent and child, or pastor and staff member.  Many conflicts – perhaps most – arise out of our stubborn desire to get our own way.

It’s important that we discern the real source of a conflict so that we know best how to resolve it.  Jesus’ words in Luke 17:3-4 indicate the best way to resolve an interpersonal conflict: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”  Jesus states that rebuke + repentance + forgiveness = reconciliation.

While we have all experienced interpersonal conflict, and know how to resolve matters in most cases (though we often lack the courage), devil-inspired conflict is very, very different.

In the midst of a knockdown, drag-out debate with the Jewish leaders in John 8, Jesus attributed their attitude toward Him to “your father, the devil.”  Beyond supernatural discernment, how did Jesus know that His enemies had aligned themselves with the enemy?  Boldly and confidently, Jesus says:

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire.  He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44).

This is the single greatest statement in all of Scripture on the work of Satan, made by the single greatest authority on spiritual matters.  In short, the devil is “a murderer” and “a liar.”  That is, Satan specializes in destruction and deception.

The Jewish leaders were trying to destroy Jesus.  They hated Him so much that they wanted to kill Him.  He knew it and deliberately attributed their hatred to Satan.  And because those who want to destroy another person will use any means necessary to accomplish their goal – including blatant lies – Jesus attributed the malicious charges of the Pharisees to Satan as well.

Peter, who may well have witnessed this very debate, wrote in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

Over the past several weeks, I’ve seen a large coyote trotting through our backyard on two occasions.  (None of the backyards have fences.)  This morning, while driving home from an errand, I saw what might have been the same coyote walking through a neighborhood near our house.  (I pulled off the road to watch him.  He split.)  What is that coyote doing?  “Looking for someone to devour” (like a rabbit).  While that coyote doesn’t frighten me – my four-pound dog Tito barked at one and made it run last summer – a roaring lion gallivanting through my neighborhood certainly would!

But notice Peter’s language: the devil is seeking someone “to devour.”  He is in the job of destroying Christians.  While he destroys believer’s bodies all the time through terrorism and martyrdom, he also tries to destroy Christian movements and churches by targeting spiritual leaders (like Jesus, the apostles, missionaries, and pastors).  And what’s saddest of all is that sometimes Christians are the perpetrators of that very destruction.

Let me confess: I have known some Christian leaders I don’t like.  Some are interpersonally cold.  Others never listen to anyone’s voice than their own.  A few just care about money.  A handful are massive hypocrites.  But I would never, ever take action to destroy them or their ministries, even if I had likeminded allies.  That’s doing the devil’s work for him.  That is what he wants.  Remember, the Pharisees and Sadducees believed they were doing God’s work by arranging for Jesus’ execution when all the time, they were just putty in Satan’s ugly little hands.  Their hatred for Jesus caused them to form an alliance with Satan.

In addition, Satan aims to deceive people into believing lies.  His arsenal includes innuendo, exaggeration, speculation, rumors, misinterpretation, false accusations, and outright falsehood.  Jesus asked His countrymen’s leaders in John 8:46: “Can any of you prove me guilty of sin?”  They couldn’t.  But because they wanted to destroy Jesus, they eventually chose to deceive people into believing that He was guilty of three capital crimes: blasphemy against God, desecrating the temple, and sedition against Rome.  Jesus was executed on trumped-up charges and behind them all was the forked tongue of the deceiver himself.  Satan’s lies were parroted through the mouths of religious people.

If Satan uses destruction and deception to eliminate Christian leaders – and he hasn’t changed his template in twenty centuries – how can twenty-first believers defeat his attacks?

First, seek restoration rather than destruction.  When Christians lie about a leader to get rid of him, that’s Satanic.  When believers “play politics” to kick out a leader, that’s Satanic.  When believers charge a leader with unproven charges to force him to resign, that’s Satanic.

Before Christmas, I was sharing the story of the way I was forced to leave the last church I served as pastor, and the person with whom I was speaking, a long-time Christian leader, interrupted me and said, “That’s Satanic.”

The biblical way to handle a sinning or ineffective leader is to gently encourage that person (Galatians 6:1-2) to repent of any known sin (1 Timothy 5:19-21) with the purpose of “winning” them (Matthew 18:15-17) or “restoring them” (Galatians 6:1) to spiritual health.  While the New Testament clearly permits “kicking out” believers from a church, it is only to be done when those same believers have been sinning and repeatedly refuse to repent (Matthew 18:15-17; Titus 3:9-10).  The New Testament knows nothing about destroying a leader’s reputation or lying about him just to force him to leave.

Second, seek truthfulness instead of deception.  Christians, who believe that Jesus is “the truth” and that “the truth will set you free,” can sometimes become the purveyor of lies.  If we like someone, we are slow to believe anything negative we hear about them.  If we don’t like someone, we are quick to believe the dirt.  The better way to handle rumors and speculation is to go to the source about an accusation and ask him/her about its accuracy.  If possible, ask the person for evidence that they’re telling the truth.  Sometimes it takes just one phone call to dispel a rumor.

But more than anything, be determined to tell the truth in every situation and to every person.  I know that’s what our parents taught us to do, but it’s amazing how Christians have a hard time doing just that sometimes.  The best way to combat lies is with the weapon of truth.  Tell the truth, over and over and over again, and watch Satan run!  Lie and he’ll move toward you.  Be truthful and he’ll scamper away.

One of my mentors was forced to leave his church as pastor, but before he left, he told the congregation that he would vigorously defend his character and his ministry.  (And he had an attorney friend in the church to make sure that happened.)  Pastors, when people lie about you and you leave the record uncorrected, who gains?  Not Jesus.  Not the kingdom.  The enemy does.  And he not only seeks to harm you, he seeks to harm that church as well.

If you’re in a church, and you’re unhappy with your pastor for some reason, refuse to harm him or spread lies about him.  Instead, pray for him.  Encourage him.  Do something tangible for him.  Expect nothing in return.  If matters don’t change after a while, refuse to say, “This is my church!  He needs to leave!”  Instead, you quietly depart and begin searching for a church where you can fully support the minister and the ministry.

The greatest thing Peter ever said was that Jesus was “the Christ, the Son of the living God.”  Jesus attributed Peter’s insight to “my Father in heaven” (Matthew 16:16-17). But maybe the worst thing Peter ever said followed Jesus’ prediction that He would eventually be killed: “Never, Lord!  This shall never happen to you!”  Jesus immediately told Peter, “Get behind me, Satan!”

If God could speak through Peter one moment, and Satan could speak through him the next, then you and I need to be on our guard so that the enemy does not use us as well.

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Criticism is Inevitable

Posted in Christian Music, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories on January 3, 2011| 4 Comments »

Christian songwriter-singer Chris Tomlin is coming to our church for two concerts several months from now.  For some reason, this announcement took my mind back to the mid-1980’s and a conflict I had with two church leaders over contemporary Christian music.

The first church that I served as pastor met in the cafeteria of an elementary school that was difficult to find even with a map.  We almost never had guests, and when we did, they rarely came back, and I couldn’t blame them.  Few people were looking for a church that was a throwback to the 1950’s, and that’s what we were, at least for a while.

One December Sunday morning, I was out sweeping the walks before our service when a family of four walked toward the cafeteria.  I introduced myself to them and privately thought, “Wow!  Wouldn’t it be something if this family made ours their church home?”  Miraculously, they stayed, even though we had no youth ministry for their daughter and son.

Over time, the man of the house became a member of the deacons (our governing board) and later chairman of the board.  His wife became head of the deaconesses.  We all got along very well.

One Saturday night, our youth pastor took the expanding youth group to a Christian rock concert in a neighboring community, and this couple’s kids went along.  I trusted the youth pastor’s judgment and didn’t feel any need to veto the activity.  After all, the youth group weren’t going to hear Madonna or AC/DC but Christian artists.  What could possibly be wrong with that?

It just so happened that this father and mother had attended a Christian university that believed that all rock music – even with Christian lyrics performed by Christians – was wrong, if not of the devil.  When they found out what kind of concert their kids attended, they became quite upset.

Soon afterwards, this couple gave me a 15-page typewritten document specifying the evils of rock music.  The document was lifted from a book that condemned all contemporary Christian music.  I read the document carefully and made notations in the margins, disagreeing with some points and seeking evidence for others.  Eventually, I bought and read the book this couple used to make their points.  Most of it was way overblown.

I called the deacon chairman, told him I had thoroughly read his document, and asked if we could meet to discuss it.  He asked me point blank, “Are you still going to allow the youth group to go to Christian rock concerts?”  I told him, “Yes.”  I’ll never forget his next words: “Well, then, we’re leaving the church.”  And they did.

I tried to get together with him again, but to no avail.

Suddenly, our church didn’t have a chairman of the deacons or a woman leading the deaconesses.  They were there one Sunday and gone the next.  To compound the situation, this couple’s daughter fell in love with one of the young men in the church and they made marriage plans.  Although this young couple met at our church, neither my wife nor I were invited to their wedding (held somewhere else) even though nearly everyone else at our church was.

I’ve had more than 25 years to reflect on what happened back then, and I don’t know what I could have done differently.  Maybe I shouldn’t have allowed a husband-wife combo to both be in such prominent places of leadership, and maybe I should have thought twice about putting anyone into leadership who attended their particular legalistic school.  But our church was small, and we didn’t have many volunteers willing to serve in leadership capacities.

But there was no way I could have known about their beliefs toward “Christian rock.”  At the time, I listened to Keith Green, Chuck Girard, Phil Keaggy, and Amy Grant, and their music was tame compared to mainstream artists.  For me, reaching young people for Jesus was far more important than legalistic rules, but this was a big issue for them.  What bothered me most wasn’t their attitude toward the music, but that they refused to meet and discuss the matter.  They laid down an ultimatum: quit taking kids to Christian rock concerts or we’ll instantly leave this church.  I wouldn’t, so they did.  I never saw them again.

Pastors make scores of decisions behind-the-scenes of their churches every week, and because they can never know the personal convictions of each person in their fellowships, pastors can’t possibly know how each judgment call will be perceived.  Some of the time, his leadership will be applauded.  Occasionally, someone will take offense at something.  Sometimes he’ll hear about it, other times he won’t.  But criticism of a pastor nearly always gets around.

A pastor’s decisions will both attract people to a church and repel people as well.  In the last church I served as pastor, a woman visited the church on two consecutive Sundays and then wrote me a note on her response card.  For some reason, I did not receive the note until after the following Sunday.  She criticized me for not preaching on John 3:16 every week and said she would no longer return for that reason.  What she did not know is that the next Sunday – which she missed – I did preach on John 3:16 (it had nothing to do with her) and some people received Christ into their lives.  The following day, I received her note.  How was I to take that?

What’s my point?  A pastor has to lead a church the way in which God leads him.  He has to set out a course and stick to it.  When he does – regardless of the direction – he will receive criticism, and some of it will originate from people whom he loves dearly.  And when that happens, some people will leave the church and blame the pastor for their departure.

The only time I’ve ever seen Rick Warren cry was when he talked about all the people who have left Saddleback Church over the years.  Even when some followers reject their leader, a good shepherd continues to care about those precious sheep.

If you’re a pastor, ask God for direction, seek confirmation from other leaders, put your head down, and lead!  Some will leave, but most will follow your leadership.  If you hurt when people leave, it shows you still have a shepherd’s heart.

And if you have a church home, and the pastor does something you don’t like, you have at least four choices: pray for him regularly, support him anyway, speak with him directly, or leave the church permanently.

I trust that the latter option will be your last resort.

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Lying About Pastors

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , , , on December 28, 2010| 2 Comments »

My family enjoyed Christmas dinner with my brother-in-law’s family this past weekend, and we played a game around the table that proved to be oodles of fun.  Someone called it “telephone pictionary.”

We were each given small notepads and asked to write down a Christmas phrase like “figgy pudding” or “Santa Claus is coming to town.”  Then we passed our notepads to the next person who had to draw a picture of the phrase on the next page.  When that person was done drawing, they passed the notepad to the next person who examined the crude drawing, flipped the page, and tried to write down the original phrase.  Then we passed our notepads along, alternating between creating a drawing and coming up with a phrase.  When all fourteen of us finally received our original notepads back, it was quite amusing to hear how a phrase like “silent night” ended up becoming “dead potato” within just a few minutes.

The same phenomenon happens in churches all the time.  And unfortunately, the greatest victims of distorted communication are pastors and their families.

Years ago, I served as the pastor of a church that chose to write a new constitution and set of by-laws.  Four people served with me on the “constitution team” and we had some fascinating discussions about how our church should operate.  When we completed our draft, I preached on every major section of the document and invited questions and comments after each message.  (This was done at a Sunday evening service.  Remember those?)  The team recorded the best suggestions and included them in the final document before the congregation voted on it.  The whole process was transparent and participative.

I specifically asked that the following phrase be included: “This constitution will be null and void after five years.”  I took the phrase from a suggestion made by Ted Engstrom, one of the leading Christian management experts.  The purpose of the phrase was to ensure that the church’s governing documents would constantly be reviewed and revised.

However, a group in the church held a meeting around this time and invited a secular attorney to join them.  When the attorney was told about the “null and void” phrase in the proposed constitution, he concluded that I didn’t want the church to have any constitution after five years so that I could become the constitution and take over the church!  Sadly, this is what some people chose to believe even though they never asked me about it.

More recently, in the midst of a major conflict, a former attendee began telling people that “They finally caught him!”  (The “him” was me.)  Evidently she believed that I was guilty of some horrible sin in previous churches (even though she had never attended any of them) and that I was using the same modus operandi.  But I had no idea what she was talking about, although I’m sure there were souls who were willing to supply that information.  In some people’s eyes, my ecclesiastical crimes – although still unspecified – merited the worst possible punishment.  But, to be honest, being lied about is punishment enough.

Not long after this accusation surfaced, I ate separate meals with three different former board chairmen, none of whom evidently knew that they were breaking bread with someone who had committed unspeakable felonies when we had served the Lord together!

I have heard terrible things about many Christian leaders over the years.  While the charges are occasionally dead-on, more times than not they are completely twisted.

Charles Spurgeon, whose sermons were often harshly reviewed in the London papers of his time, encouraged the pastors of his college with regular talks on ministerial life.  In his classic book Lectures to My Students, Spurgeon’s chapter “The Blind Eye and the Deaf Ear” is the single greatest counsel on handling criticism I have ever read.  Spurgeon writes:

“In the case of false reports against yourself, for the most part use the deaf ear.  Unfortunately liars are not yet extinct, and … you may be accused of crimes which your soul abhors.  Be not staggered thereby, for this trial has befallen the very best of men, and even your Lord did not escape the envenomed tongue of falsehood.  In almost all cases it is the wisest course to let such things die a natural death.  A great lie, if unnoticed, is like a big fish out of water, it dashes and plunges and beats itself to death in a short time.  To answer it is to supply it with its element, and help it to a longer life.  Falsehoods usually carry their own refutation somewhere about them, and sting themselves to death.  Some lies especially have a peculiar smell, which betrays their rottenness to every honest nose.  If you are disturbed by them the object of their invention is partly answered, but your silent endurance disappoints malice and gives you a partial victory, which God in his care of you will soon turn into a complete deliverance.  Your blameless life will be your best defense, and those who have seen it will not allow you to be condemned so readily as your slanderers expect.  Only abstain from fighting your own battles, and in nine cases out of ten your accusers will gain nothing by their malevolence but chagrin for themselves and contempt for others.”

While Spurgeon notes exceptions to the above rule, his counsel is timeless.

They lied about David.  They lied about Job.  They lied about Jesus.  They lied about Paul.  And if you are doing anything worthwhile for the Lord, “they” (meaning Satan and his minions) will lie about you, too.  While I don’t like to be lied about (no one does), haven’t we all – knowingly or unknowingly – spread lies about others at times?

Years ago, I read Steven Covey’s classic The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  Some of the phrases in that book have become part of our culture (like “seek first to understand, then to be understood”).  But one of the best phrases in that book is just five words long: “Defend those who are absent.”  As conflict expert Speed Leas says, we tend to exaggerate when we talk about someone who isn’t around to defend themselves.  But when that person is in our presence, it’s surprising how carefully we phrase our words.

Resolve that you will never intentionally lie about anyone, especially Christian leaders.  If you hear what you suspect might be a lie going around about someone, contact them directly and ask if it’s true.  Isn’t that what you would want that person to do for you?

Proverbs 6:19 links “a false witness who pours out lies” with “a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.”  Deception and division go together.  Liars destroy reputations and separate friends.  Resolve to tell the truth in every situation, especially when it comes to Christian leaders.

Because when we spread lies about another person, we are doing the devil’s work for him.

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Disgraced or Graced?

Posted in About Restoring Kingdom Builders, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Healing After Leaving a Church, Pastoral Termination on December 22, 2010| 3 Comments »

While reading the Christmas story again last week, I was struck by a phrase in Matthew 1:19.  After Mary was discovered to be pregnant – presumably with another man’s child – Joseph her fiancee had several choices to make.

Because he was “a righteous man” – a man who thoroughly kept the Mosaic law – he intended to break off their betrothal because she had been sexually unfaithful to him.  According to Deuteronomy 22:23-24, Joseph had every right to not only “divorce” Mary but also to insist that she be stoned in order to “purge the evil from Israel.”  Scripture seems to indicate that most men in Joseph’s situation would have had Mary executed.

But Matthew tells us that Joseph was guided by a different spirit.  The ex-taxman writes that Joseph “did not want to expose her to public disgrace” so he decided to “divorce her quietly.”

He did not want to expose her to public disgrace.  How unlike our culture.  How unlike our media.  And sadly, how unlike Christ’s church.

I’ve been reading Gayle Haggard’s book Why I Stayed recently.  As you may recall, Ted Haggard was the pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs – a mega church of 14,000 – as well as the president of the National Association of Evangelicals.  Some unflattering news surfaced about him a few years ago, and Pastor Haggard resigned from both his positions.  Many women – even Christian women – would have left Mr. Haggard at that point, and would have been biblically justified in doing so.  But Gayle chose to stick it out with her husband, thus the title of the book.

The story of her relationship with Ted makes for fascinating reading, but I was far more interested in the latter half of the book.  Gayle describes the way that prominent Christian leaders, the church’s governing board, and their friends treated them during this time, and although she maintains a gracious, non-vindictive spirit throughout, the same cannot be said for the believers involved.

The Haggards – including Gayle, who was innocent of wrongdoing – were treated in a humiliating way by the church they founded in the basement of their home.  Within a week of their departure, all traces of their ministry at the church had been purged.  People who knew them were interviewed so as to find more “dirt” on them.  Both believers and non-believers were able to say anything about them they liked but the Haggards were not permitted to reply.  They were even told they had to leave the state of Colorado which meant that their children had to leave behind their friends and schooling.

No matter what they did, it was eventually misinterpreted.  No matter what they said, it was flagrantly disregarded.

Pastors are fond of preaching on the fact that God can use anyone, even a liar like Abraham, a murderer like Moses, an adulterer like David, and a hothead like Peter.  But let that same pastor fall into sin and he will be tarred, feathered, and blogged about ad infinitum, often by people who are his own teammates.

Phil Keaggy, who has long been my favorite Christian male artist, co-wrote a song with Sheila Walsh called “It Could’ve Been Me.”  The song always makes me think and can bring me to tears.  (The song is found on the CD Way Back Home and is available on iTunes if you’re interested.)  After describing the fall of a Christian leader, Keaggy’s powerful chorus nails each one of us to the wall:

But it could’ve been me,

I could’ve been the one to lose my grip and fall.

It could’ve been me

The one who’s always standing tall.

For unless you hold me tightly, Lord,

And I can hold on too,

Then tomorrow in the news

It could be me, it could be me.

Just four chapters after Matthew 1, the grown-up Jesus said in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matthew 5:7).  When Mary “fell” – which is what Joseph thought until the angel enlightened him – Joseph chose mercy over vindictiveness.  Mary’s pregnancy undoubtedly caused her to lose her local reputation as a virtuous woman.  It might even have ended her chances of ever marrying anyone.

But although we now know the back story, neither Joseph nor the folks in Nazareth did at the time.  A modern love story would probably tell us that Joseph married Mary anyway, but as a keeper of the law, he couldn’t bring himself to do that … until God told Joseph that Mary was not only his soul mate but also the mother of the promised Messiah.

When pastors are forcibly terminated from their churches, they suffer many losses: their jobs, their income, their houses (in some cases), their careers (potentially), their marriages (sometimes) and most of their church friends.  And though they’re almost always innocent, their family members suffer those same losses.

But just like Mary and Ted Haggard, they also lose their reputations, whether the charges made against them are valid or not.

I find it ironic that pastors, who are conduits of God’s grace to scores of sinners throughout their ministries, cannot find that same grace when someone accuses them of wrongdoing.

May I urge you, not only at this Christmas season, but in every season of life, to be gracious toward every sinner who comes into your life, whether it’s a woman pregnant out of wedlock or a pastor who has been forced to leave his church because our Lord Jesus Christ suffered public disgrace that we might become recipients of His grace.

That’s why II Corinthians 8:9 is my favorite Christmas verse: “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.”

May God give us the ability to treat wounded Christian leaders with the same grace that Christ has shown us … because only grace can lead us home.

Merry Christmas!

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Scapegoating Pastors

Posted in Church Conflict, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, tagged , , , , on December 14, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Have you ever patronized a business and become friends with someone who works there?  Then one day, you stop by to see your friend but he or she is no longer there.  They have vanished into thin air.  You don’t know where they went, or why they’ve gone, or how they’re doing.  And when you ask questions of people who should know, they become evasive and don’t reveal anything helpful.

When I lived in Silicon Valley, I received medical care at a clinic just ten minutes from my house.  Two doctors at that facility were very helpful to me: a physician specializing in internal medicine and an allergist.  Within a month, I received separate letters about each doctor, stating that he was ill and would no longer be practicing medicine.  I later learned from a nurse I knew that both men died of their illnesses but I never learned any details.  I just know that I felt their loss deeply.

Something similar happened to me when I first became a pastor.  I attended monthly district meetings with pastors from our denomination, and sometimes I noticed that a pastoral colleague missed several meetings in a row.  When I asked the district minister what happened to him, I was told that the pastor in question had resigned from his position.  While that was usually sufficient information for most of the pastors, I always wanted to know why the pastor had resigned.  In every single case, the pastor was blamed for his departure.  It was never the fault of the governing board, or a disgruntled staff member, or a faction in the church.  No, it was always the fault of the pastor.  That was the talking points answer to the question, “What happened to Pastor So-and-So?”

Then I would call that particular pastor and discover that there was another side to the situation, one that few people would have learned about because they had already bought the talking points.  The pastor would tell me about a powerful individual in the church who had been undermining him (and wearing him down) for months, or about a staff member who had aligned himself with the board against the pastor, or about a group of less than ten people who demanded that the pastor leave the church.  In fact, on occasion the pastor’s critics would align themselves with the district minister without the pastor’s knowledge.  While the pastor sensed that something was wrong in the church, he didn’t think matters were that serious until he was forced to choose between resignation or termination.  After the pastor left the church, he was blamed for whatever problems the church had.

Why was he blamed?  The pastor had left the spiritual community and was no longer around to defend himself.  Some people inside the church exaggerated the number and severity of offenses he had committed and many of those who didn’t know any better believed them.  The leaders who remained in the church were able to spin myths about the pastor that were untrue, but since no one ever checked with the pastor, they assumed the myths were true.  But without realizing it, these people collaborated in trying to destroy the reputation – and any future ministry – of that pastor.

Scapegoating is still alive and well today in churches.  Whenever things go wrong, some choose to blame everything on the pastor.  Let’s blame him for the decline in attendance and offerings.  Let’s blame him for “not feeding me” spiritually.  Let’s blame him for that time he didn’t make the decision I wanted him to make.  Let’s blame him for everything that’s wrong with the church and everything that’s wrong with my spiritual life.

And then, of course, I won’t have to take any responsibility– nor will any of my friends – for anything that goes wrong.  We can just blame the pastor.

Do you see any parallels to what happened to Jesus in The Gospels?  The Pharisees and Sadducees wanted to get rid of Jesus.  They dispersed their talking points, accusing Jesus of blasphemy and desecrating the temple and sedition against Rome.  In fact, those talking points surfaced the night of Jesus’ arrest and the morning of His trial before Pilate.  No one took any responsibility for what happened to Jesus – not Pilate, not the religious leaders, and not the mob that called for Jesus’ execution.  Jesus was scapegoated for everything even though He hadn’t done anything wrong – especially anything worthy of death.  But when some people saw Jesus on the cross, they assumed that He had committed capital crimes because otherwise why would He be up there?  They didn’t know the back story – that humanly speaking, Jesus had been framed on trumped-up charges.

Unlike Jesus, pastors mess up, and sometimes mess up badly.  I’ve made my share of mistakes in ministry, and sometimes those errors haunt me long after I thought they’d disappeared from my mind.  But as important as pastors are – Paul calls them gifts from the risen Christ to His churches in Ephesians 4:11 – they should never be blamed for everything that goes wrong in a congregation or in a believer’s life.  We need to take responsibility for our part when things go wrong as well.

Because when pastors are unfairly scapegoated, Jesus is wounded again.

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Forced Termination: It Can Happen to Any Pastor

Posted in Change and Conflict in Church, Church Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , on December 9, 2010| Leave a Comment »

When pastors reach a certain stage in their ministries – especially if they’ve been in the same church for many years – it’s easy for them to conclude that they are immune from experiencing a forced exit.  If a pastor survives five years of ministry in the same place, he assumes that most of his critics have left and that those who remain are willing to follow his leadership.  So it comes as a surprise to pastors when they have been in a church for more than five years and yet still have to battle for control of a congregation.

I attended a prominent Christian college, and during my junior year, I took a class in The Gospel of John.  While the class met too early for my taste, the instructor – who was teaching his first class – proved to be a master teacher.  (Had all my teachers been as clear and interesting as he was, I would have emerged from college with straight “A’s.”)  The following year, I invited this instructor to lead a winter retreat for our high school and college students, and his insights into Scripture produced changed lives, including the life of my best friend, who eventually became an influential pastor himself.

Years later, this instructor became the pastor of a well-known mega-church, and it didn’t surprise me one bit.  While attending a seminary near his church for a doctoral program, I jogged over to the church one morning and walked into the worship center.  It was one of the most massive church auditoriums I have ever seen.  I could just imagine my former teacher mesmerizing and motivating the thousands of attendees with his careful and practical expositional skills.

The pastor had a large vision for reaching even more people for Christ.  This meant updating the church’s music, spending more money on the worship services, and recruiting more gifted volunteers and employees.  But the pastor ended up resigning under pressure instead.  According to the local newspaper, a small group of the old guard disagreed with the pastor’s agenda for the church.  The group believed that their seniority in the church entitled them to be consulted about any future plans and when they weren’t, they created havoc behind-the-scenes.  When the pastor resigned, he cited “personal character attacks” and “disrespect for his leadership” from a vocal minority in the church as reasons why he departed.  He had been the senior pastor of that church for fourteen years!

I went through a similar situation a year ago.  I believed that God was calling our church to reach a younger demographic in our spiritually-resistant community.  Rather than make sweeping changes, I wanted to add a third service and transition to a multi-venue format while keeping the two existing worship services largely intact.  This new vision would have required edgier music, additional gifted personnel, and generous funding, but even though most of the staff and the worship planning team were behind it, the governing board was not.  It wasn’t long before I left the church as well.

Let me draw two conclusions from the above stories:

First, pastors must pay a price for spiritual and numerical growth.  I recently heard Andy Stanley say that no one person in a church should stand in the way of a church’s ability to follow Christ’s Great Commission.  And yet when a pastor tries to reach more people, he is often met with resistance, sometimes from staff members, other times from a vocal minority (which has another agenda altogether), and often from the official board.   Sometimes the price paid is that those who are obstructing progress end up leaving the church – and sometimes the price paid is that the pastor ends up being forced to leave as well.  When the pastor has finally gone, people speculate as to why he resigned, wondering if he was guilty of moral failure or poor health or burnout, when the real reason is that the pastor’s agenda for outreach clashed with the agendas of other powerful interests.

Second, every pastor is at risk of a forced exit.  If any pastor is safe from being pressured to leave a church, it’s a founding pastor.  Almost every attendee who comes to such a church comes after the pastor was already there and usually because of the pastor.  But given a determined opposition, almost any pastor can be fired or forced to resign.  A pastor friend once told me that he looked at pastors who went through forced termination as losers – and then it happened to him.  23% of all pastors have been forced out of church ministry at least once.  While a distinct minority of pastors shouldn’t be in any kind of ministry, many great pastors find themselves in the wrong situation with the wrong group at the wrong time and end up losing their positions and even their careers.  While this scenario may be a fact of church life, it brings needless heartache to everyone involved.

Thankfully, the instructor I mentioned at the beginning of the article has become the co-pastor of a church.  The other co-pastor was also the pastor of a mega-church and he, too, was forced out of his position due to false accusations and denominational pressure.  God’s will was assuredly done in permitting both men to leave their churches and band together in their new setting, but the way they were forced out was diabolical.

If you’re in a church where the pastor is under fire, let me ask you one question:

What will you do to make sure that your pastor isn’t unfairly forced from his position?

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When You’re Upset with Your Pastor

Posted in Conflict with the Pastor, Forgiveness and Reconciliation among Christians, Personal Stories, Ten Most Viewed Articles, tagged , , , , on December 7, 2010| 7 Comments »

I was once the pastor of a church where we were building a new worship center.  The church was located in an extremely unchurched community (less than 5% of the population went to church anywhere) and our leaders believed that God wanted us to reach out to the spiritually lost around us.  Demographic studies showed that the community preferred an intellectual approach to the Christian faith (as opposed to an emotional approach) and that they preferred a presentational worship style (as opposed to a participative style).

Six months before the building was completed, I encouraged the worship team to improve the quality of our Sunday services, including using more video and improving our music while singing fewer songs.  One of the women on the worship team, who had always been a friend and supporter, took issue with my vision for our services.  She wanted the congregation to sing for at least half an hour because this approach was meaningful to her.  She began to lobby for her position to the point where I had to call a meeting with her and our worship leader.  We all listened to each other’s viewpoints and she left the room agreeing that if she had any further problems with me or my policies, she would speak with me personally.

But soon afterwards, she was at it again.  She vehemently complained to the chairman of the board (who was a friend of both of ours) about me and used language that was so full of anger that the chairman believed she was ready to launch a serious conflict.  The chairman reiterated my position to her (the board had already approved it) but she was determined to have her way.  After causing heartache to many people, she ended up leaving the church, an outcome that I did not welcome because I genuinely cared for her.  But I couldn’t let her – or anyone else, for that matter – stand in the way of the ministry that God was calling our church to do.

When a believer in a church is upset with the pastor, how should that person handle their feelings?

According to Matthew 18:15-20 and 1 Timothy 5:19-21, if I as a believer sin against you personally, you as a believer have the obligation to come and discuss it with me in private.  Neither Jesus nor Paul mention exclusions for pastors.  As a pastor, I have sinned against people on occasion.  When I’ve been aware of it, I have tried to take the initiative and make things right on my own.  But sometimes I’m unaware that I’ve hurt someone.  In the great majority of those cases, the individual who is hurt never comes to tell me how he or she feels.  In fact, I can count on both hands the number of people who have had the courage to come and tell me that I’ve hurt them over 35+ years of church ministry.  I suspect that most pastors have had similar experiences.

Instead, when the pastor hurts someone – consciously or unconsciously – that person usually tells their social network what the pastor has done rather than tell the pastor himself.  A few years ago, a friend told me that a woman in our church was angry with me.  I asked, “How many people has she told?”  Using his hands to count, he concluded, “Ten.”  Then I asked him, “What did I do wrong this time?”  He said, “You didn’t say hi to her one Sunday.”  I told him, “Go back and tell her to talk to me about it.  If she does, then this is really an important issue for her.  If she doesn’t, then it must not be that crucial.”  Of course, she never came and spoke with me, and over time, she collected a plethora of offenses that I had committed against her and shared them with anyone who would listen.

Although many Christians are aware of Jesus’ words in Matthew 18, we need to distinguish between personal offenses and policy offenses.  If I personally offend you – whether I’m a pastor or not – then you need to contact me, tell me how you feel, and let me have the opportunity to work things out with you.  Most Christians choose to tell their family and friends instead which just spreads discontent throughout the church.  Sometimes these harbored offenses build up to the point where believers who have been collecting them share them with others, and before long, as believers pool their hurts, the pastor becomes guilty of scores of offenses – and those offended become determined to get rid of the pastor at any cost.

But if a pastor commits a policy offense – that is, he makes decisions about the church’s ministry that attendees don’t like – I don’t believe that Matthew 18 applies.  The pastor hasn’t sinned against anyone personally.  You may feel that he has, but he’s simply making a decision that he believes will advance the ministry.  If you don’t like the decision, you should be able to speak with the pastor or any official church leader (i.e., board member, associate pastor) and let them know how you feel.  They may or may not agree with you, and the policy may or may not change, but at least you’ve gone on record as to how you feel, and that’s the mature way to handle matters.

Of course, if the pastor offends you personally, you may choose to instantly forgive him, and you may also choose to pray that God will help him see the light.  But if you’re upset with your pastor for some reason, please don’t spread the virus of complaining to others.  Either speak with the right person or keep it between you and God.

And if you’re upset with what I’ve written for some reason, you know what to do …

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

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Reclaiming Abused Pastors

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Fighting Evil, Personal Stories on December 2, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Soon after I was born, my parents took me to their church  in Inglewood, California, and dedicated me to the Lord.  The pastor who presided over my dedication was a man with a large forehead and a contagious grin.  As a kid, I could never understand him when he preached, but for some reason, I liked him.  He seemed … well, jolly.

When our family moved to Anaheim (I was only four), my father pastored several churches, eventually planting a church in Garden Grove.  After he died, I eventually became a youth pastor at a second church – also in Garden Grove – but my first pastor, the one who dedicated me as a child, was called to still another church in Garden Grove, just a couple miles from our home.  (No, none of these churches was The Crystal Cathedral!)  My wife Kim and I attended that church during my first year of seminary and I later became that church’s youth pastor.  I peformed my first wedding and baptism in that church, and I was ordained to the ministry there a few months after graduating from seminary.

One night, a man I knew approached me in the church parking lot after a service and told me that a group in the church was unhappy with the pastor.  When I asked him how large the group was, he told me that his group consisted of ten percent of the church.  As I probed further, the issue seemed to be that the pastor didn’t work hard enough for this group and they were going to make some demands until he complied with their wishes.  Many of the members of that group were retired and were constantly snooping around the church looking for any problems they could find with the ministry.

Although I had never before attended a meeting of the governing board, I asked the chairman if I could come to the next meeting, and he permitted me to do just that.  I told the board that there was a group of dissidents in the church that were threatening the pastor and that they had begun to make his life a living hell.  (The pastor’s wife had already received a nasty anonymous phone call.)  The pastor himself told me that the attacks on him were becoming so vicious that he couldn’t focus to study for sermons.  I asked the board to do something to protect their pastor from this abuse.  They voted 5-2 to do something, but they never did  anything about the problem.  In fact, the pastor himself cast one of the two votes not to take any action against his opponents.  Why not?  Well, years before, in that same church where I was dedicated, the associate pastor had led a rebellion against the pastor and the ensuing conflict was so painful that it altered the pastor’s personality, rendering him almost paralyzed to deal with personal attacks.

After the pastor retired a few years later, he refused to ever do any pastoral work again – no funerals, no weddings, nothing.  The conflicts he had experienced had taken their toll on his body, mind, and heart.  And he was such a tender man, the only man I’ve ever called “Pastor.”  (He is now resting in the arms of Jesus.)

There are thousands of pastors just like the one who dedicated me as a child.  They are committed to Christ.  They use their gifts to touch the lives of others.  They really care about people.  They want to build Christ’s kingdom.  But sometime during that pastor’s tenure, a group inside the church opposes his/her ministry and abuses the pastor – and sometimes his family – continually.  Such pastors are often so worn down by the opposition that they resign from ministry and never lead a congregation again.  They are kicked to the curb, their experience and gifts going forever unused.

That’s why my wife Kim and I are launching a new ministry called Restoring Kingdom Builders.  We have experienced opposition from antagonists firsthand and know exactly how it feels.  We want to provide emergency treatment for pastors and their spouses who go through such tough times through retreats, counseling, consulting, and writing.  We don’t want such pastors to end up bitter and useless to Christ’s kingdom.  We want to love them and direct them toward healing and wholeness.

Look for the official launch of our new ministry in early 2011!  I’ll be revealing more details over the next few weeks.  Please pray that we will honor the Lord in all we do.  Thanks for reading!

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