Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Personal Stories’ Category

Four Ways to Show Your Pastor Appreciation

Posted in Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, tagged , , on October 9, 2013| 2 Comments »

October is Pastor Appreciation Month.

If you regularly attend a church, how grateful are you for its pastor(s)?

The concept of showing appreciation to our spiritual leaders is biblical.  Paul writes to the church at Thessalonica:

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.  Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.  1 Thessalonians 5:12-13

What form might this take today?

I won’t presume to speak for other pastors … just for myself … but here are four appreciation expressions I always cherished:

First, I was touched whenever someone wrote me a note about my ministry.

When I first became a pastor, I stood at the back door after the Sunday service to greet people as they were leaving.  I enjoyed meeting “my flock,” but sometimes, the comments I heard seemed insincere.  For example, a fairly well-known pastor and his wife visited our worship service one time, and as she passed me at the door, she stopped and said. “Good diction.”  I could have done without that “compliment!”

Joe Aldrich used to call this the “glorify the worm” ceremony.  It’s almost like people feel obligated to say something positive about the service and sermon … even if they don’t mean it.

So, like many pastors, I eventually stopped greeting people at the door after the service, preferring to remain up-front, especially so I could pray with people who had a problem.  Although not my intent, this meant that if someone wanted to express appreciation for the message, they had to seek me out after the service.  By doing this, I received far less feedback – and sometimes no feedback at all.

But if someone sent me an encouraging email that night or a gracious note later in the week, their thoughtfulness lifted my spirits.  For years, I kept an email folder titled “Thank Yous” and would re-read those notes if I was doubting my ministry effectiveness.  To this day, I keep a box filled with notes of appreciation from those in past churches.

The best notes don’t say, “Thank you for your message/ministry, pastor.”  The best notes say, “God really used you to speak to my heart today.  I’m going to ask God to help me change this area of my life.”

Do that, and your pastor might break out into praise … or tears.

Second, I was touched whenever someone gave me a book as a gift.

For centuries, books were the tools that pastors used to prepare sermons.  With biblical software, the internet, and e-books, the hardbound or softbound book isn’t as popular as it once was … but books still have great value for many of us in ministry.

During my first staff position – as a youth pastor – the youth group gave me The Treasury of David by Charles Spurgeon when I graduated from seminary.  Still have that set.  (Although you can now get it on your Kindle for free.)

When I left my second staff position, a deacon gave me a book of poetry.  He wrote something inside like, “No church could ever have tested you like this one.”  (He was right!)  Another family gave me a set of commentaries by J. Vernon McGee.

In my last ministry, one man gave me a book on Joe DiMaggio signed by the author.  A woman gave me a book called Jesus CEO.  Someone else gave me an old set of Spurgeon’s sermons.

It can be a challenge to buy books for a pastor – some have extensive libraries – but even a gift certificate to buy books from Amazon is most appropriate.  Craftsmen can always use new tools.

Third, monetary gifts are welcome during Pastor Appreciation Month.

Many churches send out a letter to the congregation and ask people to give a special gift to their pastor(s) every October.  You won’t believe what a blessing this is.

During my last ministry, I took a sabbatical of six weeks after seven years of service.  Before I left, the church collected a pastor appreciation gift a month early so I could use that gift during my time away.  Although things went south at that church several years later, I will never forget the kindness and generosity of that congregation for most of my time there.

Those unexpected funds allowed my wife and me to buy some things we couldn’t normally afford.  One time, I bought my wife a large Goldilocks chair.  Another time, I purchased a marvelous recliner – one I still use every single day.

And when I see those chairs, I’m reminded of the gracious people who sacrificed so we could occasionally take time to relax!

Finally, the best gift is to know that people in the congregation are walking with the Lord.

In 2 John 4, the apostle John writes:

It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us.

If your church paid your pastor $500,000 a year, but no one was growing spiritually, that pastor would be poor indeed.

But if your church barely paid your pastor enough to live on, but God’s people were truly walking with the Lord, that pastor would be rich!

Few pastors venture into ministry to become wealthy.  We enter ministry because God has called and equipped us to serve His people.

And whenever the pastor can tell that believers are growing in their faith, he knows he is doing what God called him to do.

I’m getting to the age where I don’t know how many years I have left.  Two?  Ten?  Twenty-five?  Only God knows.

But if someone has touched my life – especially for the Lord – then I want them to know now how much they’ve meant to me.

And so I thank God for three pastors who have touched my life deeply:

*For Pastor Bill Brittin, who dedicated me as an infant.  Years later, I served as his youth pastor for 3 1/2 years.  To this day, he’s the only man I call “pastor.”  He is now with Jesus.

*For Dr. Earl Grant, the first pastor I ever worked for.  I only served under him for two years, but learned enough to last a lifetime.  He performed my wedding ceremony … because I married his daughter.

*For Pastor Dave Rolph, my friend for 45 years.  Dave and I took English and Greek together at Biola, sat in the back row together at chapel four days a week at Talbot Seminary, and graduated together 33 years ago.  Dave has always been there for me, and it’s been exciting to see the way God has used him both in his churches and on the radio.

When is the last time you expressed appreciation to one of your pastors?

If they’re still around, how about doing just that … maybe this week?

Read Full Post »

Deifying and Crucifying Pastors

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , on September 4, 2013| 2 Comments »

There’s an old saying among pastors that the person from the search team that picks up the pastor from the airport will be among the first individuals to turn against him.

That saying certainly proved true in my first pastorate.

The person who met me at the airport was also chairman of the deacons.  (I’ll call him Dave.)  The board – which functioned as the search team – made their way through a pile of resumes.

Mine was the final one.

I was 27 and Dave was 74.  At first, our 47-year age difference didn’t seem to matter.  We went to ballgames together.  We visited the rescue mission regularly.  I visited him and his sick wife on multiple occasions.

At first, I could do no wrong in his eyes.  Dave loved me as a person.  He was proud to call me his pastor.

But several years later, I couldn’t do anything right … and Dave attacked me with every bullet in his arsenal.

Why does this deifying/crucifying dynamic occur in churches?  Let me offer a few ideas.

First, the candidating process can never fully reveal a pastor’s character or values.

When I first met the deacons, I emphasized what we had in common.  We agreed doctrinally.

Looking back, that was about it.

We didn’t agree on the use of music during worship … or leader qualifications … or the use of Christian liberty … or how to reach younger couples for Christ.

And that was my charter: to reach younger couples.

To be charitable, the board was legalistic … and rigid … and resisted innovation.

But we didn’t discuss those issues.  As I recall, we spent our time together discussing theology and practical ministry matters.

This is just my theory, but I believe that pastoral candidates and search teams assume that they agree on any issues they haven’t yet discussed.

But the truth is that we didn’t agree on most issues.

I knew who they were because I knew lots of Christians just like them … but I don’t think they knew who I was because they didn’t know many pastors my age.

My wife and I were scrutinized for about 30 hours when we first visited that church … and that wasn’t nearly enough time for the leaders to know me.

So when I came to the church, they knew Public Jim … and only came to know Private Jim over time.

But when this happens … as it does in every church … there are always people who are convinced that the pastor fooled them … and want him gone for that reason.

But that’s not really the case.  They just didn’t have enough time with the pastor to know him personally … and pastors, like most people, are complex individuals.

Second, some people become surprised when the pastor doesn’t agree with them on certain matters.

Dave wanted me to give altar calls at both services on Sundays.  I resisted.  (I wrote my Master’s thesis on the altar call.)

Fred – a second board member – was a closet charismatic.  We didn’t agree on the role of the Holy Spirit in the church.

Bruce – a third board member and former pastor – became angry with me if I stated a theological truth in language he wasn’t used to.

And John – the final board member – perused the notes in his Scofield Bible whenever I taught.  (He literally had his head down during most of the sermon.)

Both Bruce and John became visibly angry with me at different times during the midweek Bible study.  Bruce got up one time, walked out of the room, and slammed the door.  John became red-faced another time when I mentioned that God sometimes hides His face from us.

Dave didn’t like any innovations … Fred would never tell me when he was upset … Bruce was angry all the time … and John was as rigid a legalist as I have ever met.

I inherited a group of leaders who had fired their previous pastor.  These were not easy people to please.  It was just a matter of time before they came after me.

Third, we disagreed on how to reach people for Christ.

I came to the church in 1981.  I wanted to bring the worship services into the 1980s, but they wanted their services to go back to the 1950s.

Dave was the song leader – and he waved his hands as he led.  The piano player was a prima donna who loved to show off her abilities.

They sang “Victory in Jesus” about once every two weeks.

And before my first Sunday night service, a guest “musician” showed up unannounced and played – I am not kidding – the musical saw.

I was sick inside.  But they loved it.

And they loved it every time he came … unannounced … and sang the same songs and told the same stories.

I was sensitive enough not to criticize the way they did things.  But every time I tried something new, I’d get criticized for it.

One time, we served a flat loaf of bread for communion.  Dave came to me the next week and claimed that many people told him it was “unsanitary.”

Because I was a young pastor, I was successful at reaching some younger families.  But when the groups achieved parity, the pioneers started complaining that the younger people didn’t attend all three services … dressed too casually … liked weird music … and on and on.

Like most churches, those leaders didn’t want to reach people for Jesus.  They wanted to live in a Christian cocoon to keep the world out instead of penetrating the world for Christ.

And I was the one who most threatened their cocoon.

Finally, many churchgoers aren’t used to a strong pastor.

I believe that most Christians want a pastor who is (a) strong in the pulpit, but (b) weak in private.

If you can preach well, you’ll be deified.

But you better be flexible in private as well or you’ll be crucified.

The people liked my preaching.  An older woman – a former missionary – used to stop me at the door and tell me that my preaching was “clear.”  Even John once told me that I was the best preacher in the whole area.  (While that was nice to hear, I knew it wasn’t true.)

But I was a man of conviction in private.

One time, two board members came to my house on a Saturday night.  I climbed into their car so they could confront me with some issues.  They made their case.  I refused to budge … and I’d handle things the same way today.

I’m a theologian.  Name a church issue, and I’ll give you biblical and theological reasons why I hold the position I do.

If I can flex, I will.  But if you ask me to do something that violates my conscience, I won’t do it.

On several occasions, board members asked me to do things I could not do.  I could tell they weren’t happy with me when I refused.

In fact, Fred and his wife quietly left the church.  He did the right thing.

And just as we were ready to become polarized, a sister church invited us to merge with them … and three of my board members wanted me to be the new pastor.

But after the merger, they all left.

John and his wife left abruptly and never returned.

Dave made multiple charges against me to the new church board.  (The real issue was that Dave was too old to lead worship music anymore.)  The board backed me to the hilt, which caused Dave to leave the church angrily.  The next time I saw him, Dave was lying in a coffin … but his wife did ask that I conduct his funeral.

And then there was Bruce.  In his late sixties, Bruce wanted to get back into pastoral ministry, but as a double divorcee, nobody showed any interest in him.  He finally assisted in leading his Bible class out of the church.  I think he hoped he would become the pastor of the renegade group … but they wanted somebody else.

To their credit, Fred and John left the church relatively peacefully.  They may have been disillusioned with their pastor, but they didn’t attack me as they left.

But Dave and Bruce left loudly and insinuated that I should be removed … but they both left instead because they knew they lacked the support to push me out.

We find a great example of the deify/crucify phenomenon in Acts 14.

Paul and Barnabas visited Lystra and healed a man who was lame from birth.  The crowd declared that the Dynamic Duo were really gods: Barnabas was Zeus, while Paul was Hermes.

Paul and Barnabas rightly resisted being worshiped, stating, “We too are only men, human like you.”  And then they pointed the crowd upward to God Himself.

But the crowd still tried to deify them.  Dr. Luke writes, “Even with these words, they had difficulty keeping the crowd from sacrificing to them” (Acts 14:18).

But how quickly things can change.

In the very next verse, we’re told that some Jews from Antioch and Iconium came to Lystra “and won the crowd over.”  And then they stoned Paul outside the city and left him for dead.

One moment, the crowd acted like God’s leaders were divine.  The next moment, they wanted one of them dead.

I cannot understand the mindset of Christians – especially leaders – who choose to gang up against a pastor who is innocent of biblically impeachable offenses.

Like Fred and John, it’s better to leave a church than it is to try and push out a pastor.

To what extent have you witnessed this deifying/crucifying dynamic in churches?

Read Full Post »

Five Verses for When You Hit the Wall

Posted in Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , , on August 28, 2013| 6 Comments »

There have been times in my life – and ministry – when I hit a wall and did not know what to do next.

I stared at the wall.  It was high.  It was deep.  It was solid.  It was thick.

And it looked impenetrable.

There was no way to go over the wall … or under it … or around it … or even through it.

But I tried.  I really tried.

I slammed the wall with my shoulder … and ended up howling in pain.

I backed up and ran hard at the wall … and the wall won.

I looked for something to carry me over the wall … but nothing surfaced.

I tried to dig my way under the wall … but the wall seemed to descend forever.

For all intents and purposes, I was trapped … and I hate feeling trapped because I prize options.

During many of those feeling trapped times, the Lord came and ministered to me through a single verse of Scripture.

Let me briefly share five of those incidents as a way of encouraging you:

*My first pastorate was very difficult.  I was 27 and the average age of the congregation was 60.  We met in a school cafeteria.  The church was filled with quirky Christians.  On a good Sunday, 50 people showed up.  After the board and I unanimously agreed to a tough decision one night, they quickly reversed themselves, and I was left standing all by myself.

I was afraid that I was going to be fired.

And then our church received notice that our city would be bulldozing down the school where we met so a developer could construct condominiums … and our congregation had nowhere to go.

I stood and stared at the wall.

One day, I read 1 Peter 5 … a chapter that has always encouraged me.  Peter writes in verse 10:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

I was suffering all right … more than I ever had in nearly ten years of church ministry.  And yet God promised that the suffering would be temporary and that He would make me “strong, firm and steadfast” through it all.

And He did.

*My second pastorate was even worse.  A sister church five miles away invited our group to merge with their congregation.  Our group said they would come on one condition: that I became the pastor.

I did not want to be a bargaining chip.

After doing some research, I learned that Merger Math usually goes like this: 1+1=1.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to pastor the merged church.  I wanted out.  I went to my district minister and asked him, “Please help me find somewhere else to go.”

He tried, but there wasn’t much of a market for a 29-year-old pastor who served a church of 50 people.

I stood and stared at the wall … again.

Then I read and preached on 2 Chronicles 20.  Three invading armies attacked Jerusalem unprovoked.  King Jehoshaphat proclaimed a time of public fasting and prayer.  The people ended their prayer with these words: “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”

Then Jahaziel addressed his king and his people in verse 15:

“This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.  For the battle is not yours, but God’s.'”

If you know the story, the people marched toward a hill overlooking the place where all their enemies convened.  The people began to sing and praise God, not knowing what to expect ahead.

But the Lord was working behind the scenes … and when the people of Judah reached the lookout point … their enemies were all dead, having killed each other.

When the deadline came for me to make a decision, I signed the contract to become the new church’s new pastor, remembering that “the battle is not yours, but God’s.”

*That ministry did well at first.  We even had 140 people one Sunday.  But the two groups that came together were incompatible both philosophically and personally.

A church of 80 plus a church of 50 should have resulted in a church of 130+.

Instead, Merger Math prevailed, and after 18 months, we were rapidly plunging toward 80.

And as the attendance and giving went south, I blamed myself for the merger’s failure.  I became depressed and withdrawn, not knowing what to do.

I had hit a wall once more.

Galatians 6:9 pulled me through:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I wanted to give up.  But God had clearly called me to that church, so I tried to re-channel my energies.  Even though I couldn’t see the way ahead, I chose to believe that my ministry would “reap a harvest” … not at a time of my choosing, but “at the proper time” … a season of God’s choosing.

*Over the next few years, I gave the church my best leadership.  We revised the church constitution and bylaws … remodeled the worship center … reviewed the entire ministry … revitalized our worship service … and renewed our walks with Christ.

We were happier, but we didn’t grow.  I tried everything I knew, and nothing worked.

It felt like the wall was winning.

Feeling frustrated and desperate, I began to use the Lord’s prayer as a guide to prayer every morning.  I paid particular attention to Matthew 6:10:

“Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

I told the Lord, “I see five options for my future.”  And every day, I’d pray through the options.  I told the Lord the option I preferred, but left the final call up to Him … and He chose the option I least expected!

In fact, it’s an option that most pastors and churches rarely entertain.

*Our leaders decided to sell our church property and start a new church with a new name in a new location.

We were an unlikely bunch to pull this off … and some people told us that.

Although God led us through the entire project, it was slow going at times.  And when the planning commission turned down our request for an occupancy permit, a prominent Christian leader predicted that our goose was cooked.

Once again, I had hit a wall … and it was the tallest, thickest, and widest wall of them all.

Somebody didn’t want our church to exist … somebody in the spirit realm.  During that time, I leaned heavily upon Paul’s words in Ephesians 6:13:

Therefore, pull on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Up to this time in my ministry, I had only experienced opposition from inside churches … but now our opposition came from outside the church in the form of that nitpicking planning commission.

But our church called a day of prayer and fasting … appealed to the city council … and won a 7-0 vote!

It took us 30 months to hire staff … sell the property … find a light industrial building … obtain an occupancy permit … and construct a worship center.  And due to the slowness of construction, we had 7 different dates for our grand opening … continually revising dates because things weren’t yet finished.

But on November 8, 1992 – one of the great days of my life – 311 people showed up for our first public service.

Over the next 5 years, we led many people to Christ and baptized 100 new Christians, becoming the second largest Protestant church in our city.

In fact, years later, Dr. Gary McIntosh asked me to write a chapter about our adventure in his book Make Room for the Boom … or Bust!

By God’s grace, I didn’t give up, and at the proper time, He finally supplied a harvest.

Now I’m in a different season of life.  Although I’ve learned a lot about the Lord’s ways over the years, I still hit walls now and then.

In fact, it feels like my wife and I have just hit another wall in our lives.

Rather than panic, we have to remember what the Lord has done for us in the past.  As Joshua told Israel in Joshua 23:14:

“You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed.  Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.”

I may fail the Lord at times, but He never fails.  Throughout my life and ministry, He has come through … not when I wanted Him to, or how I wanted Him to … but when and how He saw fit.

You may be standing in front of a giant wall right now.  You feel like you’re trapped.

What should you do?

I’ve found it helpful to ask God to give me a verse from His Word, and to live out that verse, trusting that He will eventually break down any barrier.

As Psalm 18:29 says:

With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

Read Full Post »

Marriages of the Christian and Famous

Posted in Burnout and Depression in Ministry, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, tagged , on August 5, 2013| 2 Comments »

Have you ever wanted to peak inside the marriage of a well-known Christian pastor, evangelist, or missionary?

That’s the goal of William Petersen’s delightful book, 25 Surprising Marriages: How Great Christians Struggled to Make Their Marriages Work, published by Timothy Press.

In the early 1980s, Petersen published a little paperback called Martin Luther Had a Wife.  The book contained 5 stories of great Christian leaders and their marriages.  Over time, Petersen published 4 similar books (I bought all 5), now compiled into one volume.

I read a few pages of each biography during my quiet time with the Lord, and I have found Petersen’s marital portraits to be encouraging, inspiring, and occasionally disturbing.

Let me share some of the more interesting/disturbing aspects of the first five couples portrayed in the book:

*John Newton was heavily involved in the slave trade from Africa to England before he became a believer.  He was guilty of deserting a ship, having indiscriminate sex with slaves (even raping one woman), and mocking Christ and the gospel.  After he finally came to Christ, he was refused ordination by the Church of England.

Yet he was so head over heels in love with Polly that his life eventually changed.  I can’t imagine anybody in our day waiting as long as John waited for Polly.  As I was reading about their romance, I thought to myself, “This is a far better story than most Chick Flicks in our day.”  He went on to become a small-town pastor, a prominent Christian leader, and the co-author of “Amazing Grace” as well as writing an autobiography, Out of the Depths.

*Dwight Moody was turned down for church membership the first time he applied.  Once an ambitious shoe salesman, he was outspoken, dominant, and impulsive, while his wife Emma was more reserved and yet far better educated.  Some people called him “Crazy Moody.”

Moody became an evangelist, traveled a million miles, preached to 100 million people, and saw 750,000 come to Christ.  He also founded the YMCA and the Moody Bible Institute.  And yet when people were disloyal to her husband, Emma acted like they had committed an unpardonable sin.

*Charles Spurgeon – one of my few Christian heroes – loved to smoke cigars … got gout when he was only 35 years old … and died at a relatively young age.  Saved at 16, he became the pastor of Park Street Chapel in London at 19.  His wife Susie was 3 years older than her husband and frequently corrected his mistakes in language or history.  When Spurgeon went on a preaching tour, they hated to be separated.

Although he lacked polish and refinement (qualities especially important in London at the time), Spurgeon went on to found a college and an orphanage, edit a magazine, write 140 books, and become one of the greatest preachers in history.  His book Lectures to My Students is one of my prized possessions, especially his chapters on depression and handling criticism.

In Spurgeon’s day, the sermons of prominent pastors were reviewed in the newspaper, and Spurgeon’s messages were often dissected in a negative fashion, which greatly wounded him.  He suffered from depression throughout his life, yet maintained a joyful sense of humor.  During one hot spell in London, when Spurgeon’s deacons refused to do anything about cooling down the worship center, Spurgeon took his cane and knocked out every window in the place.  While I wish we had audio or video of Spurgeon’s preaching (that will have to wait for heaven), thank God that his sermons are still in print.  If you’ve never read Spurgeon, you can download some of his books for free for the Kindle.  A master of the English language, there has never been anybody quite like him.

*William Booth was moody and prone to depression.  When he asked that his membership with the Methodist Church be renewed, Booth was turned down.  Unable to find a denomination where they felt at home, Booth and his wife Catherine eventually founded The Salvation Army, probably becoming the greatest husband-wife team in Christian history.

Throughout his lifetime, it was generally conceded that Booth’s wife Catherine was a better preacher than he was.  She also wrote many of her husband’s messages.  (He would request a topic, and she would do the research and writing.)  But sadly, after Catherine died, 6 of their 8 children defected from The Salvation Army.

*Billy Sunday – a famous baseball player in his day (Ty Cobb eventually broke his record for stolen bases) – was a leading evangelist in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  He and his wife Nell served the Lord faithfully for decades.  He consulted with his wife on everything he did.  When the Sundays would enter a town, their goal … get this … was to convert 20% of the people to Christ!  Crowds would line up for 8-10 hours to hear him preach.  It is estimated that 100 million people came to Christ during his ministry.  Sadly, 4 of their children died horrible deaths … their oldest son by suicide.

What have I learned by reading about these marriages?

*It’s much easier to get married in our day.  John Newton had to convince Polly’s parents that he’d be an acceptable partner for their daughter … and the process took years.  Newton asked Polly to marry him 3 times … and she only accepted his third request.  Because they could only write each other letters (no texting or emails back then!), couples sometimes lost contact with each other for months.

*These men depended upon their wives and believed that their counsel was the voice of God to them.  After Polly’s death, John Newton wrote, “She was my pleasing companion, my most affectionate friend, my judicious counselor.  I seldom, if ever, repented of acting according to her advice.  And I seldom acted against it without being convinced by the event that I was wrong.”

*Christian leaders are human beings before they’re anything else.  They are not promised exemptions from mood swings … physical ailments … wayward children … and financial difficulties.  We sometimes think, “If only I was as spiritual as __________, then God would bless my life.”  But even those who appear spiritual in public struggle with their emotions and relationships behind the scenes.

On occasion, I’ll write more about the marriages of famous Christian figures, like C.S and Joy Lewis … Martin and Katie Luther … and Hudson and Maria Taylor.  They both fascinate and encourage me!

 

Read Full Post »

How Should a Pastor Handle Critics?

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, Please Comment!, tagged , on July 29, 2013| 2 Comments »

It’s precarious to be a pastor in our day.  According to the latest research, 70% of pastors are leaving ministry before they reach their fifth year out of seminary.

Why is this?

I could cite many possibilities, but my guess is that well-meaning pastors eventually wear down under a relentless barrage of criticism.

There are times when a critic is right … but much of the time, the critic means well but only represents his/her own ideas, not those of the majority of the congregation.

When I was a pastor, there were times when people accused me of doing something wrong and I disagreed with their assessment.

I heard their criticism … weighed their charges … but didn’t take their side … and in some cases, it made them angry.

A sampling:

*When I wrote my personal doctrinal statement for my district’s ordination committee, a committee member – a megachurch pastor and author – told me that my statement lacked warmth.

But isn’t a doctrinal statement supposed to be about truth and accuracy instead?

*When I met with a denominational executive many years ago, he told me, “You went to the wrong seminary.”

But should I have checked with him before applying to the school?

*The relative of a recently-deceased person from my last church called me up and chewed me out for preaching the gospel at his father-in-law’s memorial service.

But should I have mouthed pious platitudes and sentimental mush instead?

*A board member once chided me for preaching on “political issues” after I preached from Matthew 19 on Jesus’ view of marriage.

But aren’t the words of Jesus in Scripture both normative and relevant for Christians today?

*A couple once became angry with me for refusing to marry them.

But isn’t Scripture clear that a believer is not to marry a non-believer?

Sometimes a pastor knows that his critics have made a valid point.  There’s a little phrase I learned long ago for such situations: “Maybe you’re right.”

But there are times when a pastor’s critics fire bullets at him and the pastor knows they’re wrong … even if the critic believes they’re right.

When Paul appeared before the Roman governor Felix in Acts 24, Tertullus the prosecuting attorney accused Paul of being a “troublemaker” guilty of “stirring up riots among the Jews all over the world” and that Paul “tried to desecrate the temple.”  Acts 24:9 adds, “The Jews joined in the accusation, asserting that these things were true.”

But were they true?  In Paul’s mind, he was merely preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But in the minds of his critics, Paul was inciting public violence and attempting to destroy Judaism.

How did Paul handle this situation?  Agree with his critics?  Throw himself upon Felix’ mercy?  Head straight for jail?

No, Paul answered each accusation, and then says in 24:16: “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.”

Paul said, “I know my heart.  I have examined my motives.  I’ve mentally reviewed my actions, and before God, I am not guilty of the charges brought before me, and I haven’t done what you’ve accused me of doing.”

It takes a lot of courage to be a pastor today.  The verbal attacks against pastors are often cruel.  (Ever read an online story about Rick Warren?  He preached for the first time in months after his son’s suicide last weekend … and the critics were waiting with sharpened knives.  Check out this article from Time and read some of the comments afterward: http://swampland.time.com/2013/07/28/rick-warren-preaches-first-sermon-since-his-sons-suicide/)

Why bring this up?  Three reasons:

First, because when some churchgoers criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, and the pastor disagrees with their assessment, they become irate.  And from that moment on, they turn on the pastor.  But should a pastor surrender his integrity and agree with critics just to keep them happy and in the church?

Second, because when some board members criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, and he disagrees, they claim, “The pastor is stubborn and doesn’t listen to us.”  Most likely, the pastor heard the criticism loud and clear … he just doesn’t buy it.  When I was a pastor, if I had done everything my critics wanted me to do, I would have come off as a weak and ineffectual leader who was easy to push around.

Finally, because when some churchgoers criticize their pastor for an alleged offense, they want him to apologize and repent for hurting their feelings.  This presumes that a pastor has the ability to control the emotions of others – but he doesn’t.  Have you ever read the Gospels and noticed how many people Jesus offended?  For example, if you compare Mark 3:6 with Luke 6:11, you’ll see that when Jesus healed the man with the withered hand in the synagogue, the Jewish leaders became so furious that they began to plot His execution.  But they were responsible for the way they felt, not Jesus.

It is my job to control my actions and my feelings.  It is your job to control your actions and your feelings.  I cannot control your actions … and I cannot control your feelings … only you can do that.

If pastors had to ask themselves, “If I say this or do that, whose feelings might I hurt?”, they would never do anything.

Many years ago, when I was a pastor, I was accused of doing something that I didn’t do, and the charge really bothered me.  I knew before God that I had done nothing wrong, but that didn’t seem to be enough for a few people.  They wanted blood.

I happened to speak with someone from another profession about the charge, and she said something I’ve never forgotten: “Just because somebody accuses you of something doesn’t mean that it’s true.”

Yes, all pastors sin.  Yes, most pastors are deeply flawed.  Yes, there are times when a pastor steps over a line and needs to apologize and even repent for something he said or did.

But my guess is that the great majority of the time, a pastor cannot agree with his critics … unless they show him from Scripture that he’s wrong … and most critics operate on the basis of their own preferences.

Both Jesus and Paul were accused of doing many things wrong, but they ignored their critics and pressed on.  If they had agreed with their critics, we wouldn’t have a New Testament or a Christian church today.

I believe that the more a pastor focuses on his critics, the less he’ll advance the kingdom of God.  But the more he focuses on God, the greater impact he’ll have on expanding Christ’s kingdom.

And here’s the kicker: God usually doesn’t speak through critics … yet they assume they’re the voice of God … but they aren’t.

During my 36 years in church ministry, God spoke to me most often through (a) Scripture, (b) my pastoral instincts, and (c) my wife.

Critics held place #348 … and that was still too high.

Read Full Post »

Saving Yourself and Possibly the Church

Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Current Church Issues, Personal Stories, tagged , , on June 20, 2013| 3 Comments »

Today’s guest blogger is Pastor Rick Rehmert, who has pastored for years in the Midwest.  Rick is currently serving a church as an interim pastor.  Thanks, Rick!

The fall, the splash, and then the desperate cry for help – an adult is drowning.  This is a terrifying scene.  Most “would be” rescuers jump in immediately.  The experienced rescuers hesitate.

As pastor, I am by nature a rescuer.  I am the proverbial dysfunctional preacher with a need to be the hero.  How this has cost me!  I don’t know exactly when it started but somewhere along the way I confused my need for validation with another’s need for life changing transformation.  This confusion, once erased, has led me to the truth: “understand what is.”

The experienced rescuer learns to observe more than just the person needing rescue.  What are the hazards?  How deep is the water?  How strong is the current?  What materials are at hand?  What is the best way to get the person out of trouble?  Is the one drowning capable of drowning him?  He observes “what is.”

Unlike the watery scene imagined above, the pastor usually has more time to assess a crisis before jumping in to solve it.  Belaying that jump can be the difference between a rescue and a double drowning.

What do I mean by “understand what is?”  This statement comes from the recognition that God is already rescuing and I must work in concert with Him.  He may be bringing a person to the end of themselves.  If I interrupt what He is doing, I risk His discipline.

Understanding must precede action.  Reacting is “jumping in” without a clear picture of what is really going on and what a rescue would affect.  Connecting the what, why, and how is vital.  Prayer and biblical insight is our best tool.  Good questions are also good tools.  Before we “fix it,” we need to know what broke, how it broke, and why it needs to be put back together.

The most common crisis in many churches is the unhappy member who threatens to leave.  They can be big givers or well connected or whatever.  The emergency is clear: they are upset.  “Would be” rescuers jump in but wise pastors do not.  They hesitate by asking: Why are they upset and threatening to leave?  What happened?  Explore the scene; secure a mutual understanding of the event in question.  Is this response appropriate?  If not, what would be appropriate?  And why is this not what we are seeing?

Water rescues are risky.  Church rescues are as well.  Most unhappy members do not leave over heresy or immorality; they leave because they lose power – the power to take the church down with them.  This may be a time when the pastor needs to “understand what is” and simply watch.  He will learn so much in such a short manner of time as he prayerfully takes inventory.  God will give him insight and wisdom.  His questions will pierce to the heart of the matter.  He just may become the tool God uses to jump in.  And when He does – His splash will be good for everybody.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

Read Full Post »

Confessions of a Seasoned Pastor

Posted in Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with the Pastor, Personal Stories, tagged , , on June 3, 2013| 2 Comments »

I’ve just spent the past few days listening to professors and pastors talk about best practices among healthy churches.

And in the process, I realize that I made some mistakes over my 36-year career in church ministry.

These mistakes weren’t intentional … they were simply omissions … but they were crucial omissions.

Maybe you can learn from my blunders:

First, I failed to insist that governing leaders undergo leadership training.

I recently heard a church staff member say that the board in his church goes on an overnight retreat every quarter.  Board members assess how they’re doing spiritually and then assess how their congregation is growing spiritually as well.

Only then do they assess how the church is doing as a whole and make future plans.

Years ago, I used to hold board retreats every six months … but over time, the practice gradually died out.  We’d plan a retreat, but then board members would back out at the last moment, and we’d have to cancel it.

Maybe that was an indication that some of them shouldn’t have been on the board in the first place.

But if I had to do it over again, I’d insist that we go through leadership training on a regular basis … no excuses, no exceptions.

Second, I failed to know what board and staff members gave to the church.

I’ve been hearing this theme over and over, and even posted a blog about this issue recently.

A pastor – and maybe several other leaders – must know the giving records of the leaders in the inner circle.

Some pastors know what everyone in the church gives … and in all honesty, knowing that much might make some of us feel uncomfortable.

But it’s crucial that pastors know the giving patterns of top leaders.

A friend I respect … who always gave generously to his church … roughly put it this way:

“A pastor should ask the financial secretary to contact him if a top leader isn’t giving to the church.  The pastor should then approach that leader and ask what’s going on.  It may be that the leader has a spiritual problem or is purposely withholding giving so the church falls short of the budget.  Later on, that leader might recommend that the pastor be removed from office because he’s presiding over declining donations.”

When top leaders aren’t giving, it’s a sign of a spiritual problem … and may be a sign of an upcoming coup attempt as well.

If a pastor is being sabotaged by leaders who are withholding their giving intentionally, those leaders should resign … and leave the church quickly.

I wish I had known this years ago.

Third, I failed to confront church bullies in the name of niceness.

Seven years ago, I wrote my final project for my doctoral program on church antagonists.  When the project was done, I made copies available to anyone in the church who wanted one … but I removed the second chapter.

Why?

Because it contained five real-life examples of antagonism from our own church (three under my predecessor, two under my ministry) and some in the church knew who some individuals were.

In each case, an individual – usually a church leader – thought he or she had a special relationship with the pastor.

In each case, the pastor made a decision that went against that individual.

In each case, that individual then become openly antagonistic toward the pastor.

And in each case, church leaders … including the pastor … did absolutely nothing about the destructive behavior of those five individuals.

In several cases, the antagonists left the church, and then did their best to sabotage the pastor from the privacy of their home.

Most of the time, when antagonists act this way, pastors throw up their hands and ask, “What can I do?”

But a pastor … and a church’s governing leaders … can do plenty.

*They should confront antagonistic behavior the first time it happens.

*They should encourage the individuals involved to repent immediately.

*They should forgive them if they genuinely repent … but monitor their behavior afterwards.

*They should ask them to leave the church if their antagonism continues.

While visiting an all-day class at my seminary last week, I heard story after story of churches that weren’t growing because of the machinations of church bullies.

When God’s people tolerated the rebellious behavior, their church stagnated.

But when God’s people took on the bullies, they either repented or left the church.

And when that happened, the churches mysteriously and miraculously began to grow.

If only I had confronted the bullies sooner …

Finally, I waited too long to correct public lies told about me.

Let me tell you a secret about pastors.

Pastors are extremely sensitive individuals.  They are feelers more than thinkers.

They love God … love the people in their church … and aren’t good at taking care of themselves.

And when churchgoers lie about them … pastors collapse in tears.

Oh, I know … a few pastors take to the pulpit and denounce their critics … but most pastors don’t.

They internalize their pain instead.

And the lies wound them to the very core.

We have a problem in our churches.

When people spread rumors about a pastor, they usually do so in private … and the pastor has no idea where they originated … so he can’t answer them effectively.

I know a pastor who is a very strong individual, but when someone in his church merely threatened to spread lies about him, he instantly quit.

Lying about a pastor … inspired by Satan … is evil.

When people lie about a pastor in a widespread manner, he needs a fair and just forum where he can respond to the charges made against him.

But most churches lack that kind of forum … and everybody knows it.

So the lies about pastors go largely unanswered.

God ultimately gave me a forum for addressing this issue … my book Church Coup … although it took me 3 1/2 years to answer some charges.

(By the way, if you ever hear anything said about me, and want to check its veracity, please write me and ask.  I am not afraid of any question.)

I’d rather look ahead than back, but if any of my mistakes can help others, then we can turn the tables on the enemy.

Check out our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org  You’ll find Jim’s story, recommended resources on conflict, and a forum where you can ask questions about conflict situations in your church.

Read Full Post »

Introduction to the Book Church Coup, Finale

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , on May 1, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Here is the second half of the introduction to my recently-published book Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.  I sign all the books that are ordered from my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org   You can also purchase the book from Amazon and other retailers.

__________

While there are fascinating studies on the forced termination of pastors, Christians need to hear more stories about this tragedy that happens behind closed doors.  Yet pastors are afraid that if they tell their stories publicly, they will look foolish, rehearse their pain, sully their reputations, and damage their chances for future employment. So except for rare forays into the light, the involuntary dismissal of hundreds of pastors every month has escaped the notice of most Christians.  Because most books on conflict are aimed at pastors and church leaders, my hope is to enlighten and empower lay people as well to ensure that conflicts involving pastors or staffers are handled in a just, deliberate, and biblical manner.

I may be violating some unwritten rule that says, “What happens in church stays in church.”  Wouldn’t it be better for our careers and mental health if my wife and I refused to look back, learned from our mistakes, kept our mouths shut, and advanced full-speed ahead?  But I believe it’s a greater evil to remain silent.  What kind of a New Testament would we have if Paul had been mute about the problems in Rome, Corinth, Galatia, Ephesus, Philippi, Thessalonica, Ephesus, and Crete?  We have learned so much from those churches and their blunders.

Part of me wants to travel back in time and prevent my father’s forced exit.  If I could help him with that situation, would he still be alive today?  Although that notion may be unrealistic, I have sensed God calling me for years to do something to limit (and even eliminate) the unchristian practices that are inherent in forcing an innocent pastor to leave a church.  Wouldn’t it advance the kingdom to prevent this tragedy from happening to other pastors and churches?

Let’s acknowledge that troubled pastors do exist. Some have character disorders or a narcissistic bent.  Others are control freaks.  A few are lazy.  Some can even be tyrants.  There are pastors who should be terminated – and even leave pastoral ministry altogether.  But Alan Klaas, who investigated the causes of pastoral ousters in different Christian denominations, concluded that in 45 percent of the cases, a minority faction caused the pastor to leave, while “only seven percent of the time was the cause the personal misconduct of the minister.”[iii]

I have written this book with three purposes in mind.  First, I want to share my side of a conflict as forthrightly as I can.  Several weeks after the conflict surfaced, I sat in two public meetings and did not respond to any of the charges leveled against me.  Three years later, I am able to articulate my responses with greater perspective.  Others have differing views as to what happened, and that’s fine.  This is not the final version of what happened in 2009, but my version as I experienced it.  While the conflict occurred, I took careful notes, generated and received scores of emails, interacted with key players, and interviewed congregational experts.

Next, I want to seek redemption for what we’ve experienced.  Rick Warren says that our greatest ministries emerge from our greatest sufferings:

“God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others . . . . The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life – the ones you’ve wanted to hide and forget – are the experiences God wants to use to help others.  They are your ministry!  For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them.  You have to stop covering them up, and you must honestly admit your faults, failures, and fears.  Doing this will probably be your most effective ministry.”[iv]

While my wife and I are unimportant in the larger Christian community, maybe our willingness to share honestly about a painful experience will turn out to be our “most effective ministry.”

Finally, I want to prevent these kinds of conflicts from happening altogether.  My prayer is that by reducing the fifty-day conflict to slow motion, God’s people will be able to identify key junctures and learn from both the wise – and foolish – decisions that were made.  I also pray that believers will institute safeguards so that a similar conflict won’t invade their churches.

It is not my intent to seek revenge on those who hurt us.  Although it took time, my wife and I have forgiven them and wish them God’s best in the days ahead.  But for this story to help others, it must be reported with authenticity and emotion.  My goal is to let believers know how quickly a conflict can spiral out of control and to recommend ways to handle matters that go against our feelings but are consistent with Scripture.

Because I come from a tradition where mostly men are considered for ordination, I will use terms that reflect that reality, although I greatly value the contributions women make in ministry.

Except for members of my immediate family, I have used aliases throughout this book to protect the identity of the individuals involved. I have also avoided naming my former community or church – but all the events related in this story are real to my knowledge.

May God use this book to help his people treat pastors and staff members with greater dignity and respect so they can serve him passionately and productively until Christ returns.

Read Full Post »

Introduction to the Book Church Coup

Posted in Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , on April 29, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Over the course of many months, I’ve posted a few excerpts on the blog from my new book Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.

Since the book has now been published, I thought I’d post a few more excerpts.  The following is from the book’s introduction (with the formatting altered).

____________________

Did you know that hundreds of pastors are forced to leave their churches every month?

Christians rightly lament the persecution of believers worldwide, but they are being terrorized by secular authorities or religious extremists.  But in far too many cases, pastors and their families are being mistreated in local assemblies by their spiritual brothers and sisters – and the toll keeps escalating.

If a group in a church attacks their pastor and he is forced to resign, the consequences are tragic for everyone involved. The pastor may leave church ministry for good. That church’s reputation will be sullied.  Some believers will flee their church.  Friendships will end.  Outreach will stop cold.  And the evil one will dance.  I’ve seen it all my life.

When I was a boy, my father felt pressured to resign as pastor from a church he founded, even though he was innocent of any major offense.  He died twenty months later at age thirty-eight, leaving behind a homemaker wife who didn’t drive, two sons (ages thirteen and ten), and a five-year-old daughter who has only vague recollections of the father she lost.

During the ensuing years, the pastors of the churches I attended were subjected to similar pressures.  In my early teens, one pastor abruptly resigned in the middle of a church meeting.  My next pastor was forced to resign after five years of ministry.  In my second staff position, the pastor was voted out of office in another contentious public meeting.  And in my next staff position, the pastor was verbally threatened until he lost the will to serve.

When I became a rookie pastor, I learned that my predecessor had been forced from office after just one year of ministry.  When our church merged with a sister church two years later, the other church’s pastor was forced to leave.  Five years after the merger, a disgruntled churchgoer formed an alliance with a faction inside that church and pressured me to resign – but the board stood by me and that group left to form their own church nearby.

The next decade went so well that I hoped that I’d finally outlasted any ecclesiastical opponents. And after becoming the pastor of an impactful church entering the millennium, I entered the Doctor of Ministry program at Fuller Seminary and wrote my dissertation on dealing with church antagonists using a biblical model informed by family systems theory. After studying how powerbrokers operate in a church, I thought I had finally come to a place where peace and understanding reigned.  But sadly, I was mistaken.

In the autumn of 2009, after my wife and I returned from a mission trip to Eastern Europe, our church’s governing leaders stunned us by making drastic decisions.  Seven weeks later, I resigned as pastor because too many people believed a litany of false allegations.  We were not guilty of heresies, immoralities, illegalities, or any major offenses.  While we both had made minor mistakes in our ministries, we were treated like we had committed ecclesiastical felonies.

As I have related our story to family, friends, and colleagues, I have learned how frequently this kind of situation is replicated in local churches.  While there are unique features to our story, the template for forcing pastors from their positions has remained the same for decades, if not centuries.  Forced exits have become so common in American churches that Rediger writes:

“Abuse of pastors by congregations and the breakdown of pastors due to inadequate support are now tragic realities. This worst-case scenario for the church, one that is increasing in epidemic proportions, is not a misinterpretation by a few discontented clergy.  Rather, it is a phenomenon that is verified by both research and experience.”[i]

Guy Greenfield, who was forced out of his position as pastor in his early sixties, comments:

“This problem is a growing phenomenon. Numerous publications of observations and research indicate that it is in fact a major problem approaching crisis proportions.  Talk to any group of ministers, and you will hear stories of tragedy and heartache. In recent years I have interviewed a considerable number of former ministers, now in secular work, and nearly everyone I talked with told me a similar story that resulted in forced termination. Many of them are now cynical, bitter, angry, and discouraged. Most tell me they will never return to a full-time paid church position.  Their wounds continue to be painful.”[ii]

While pastors have always faced the possibility of forced termination, the problem has been growing steadily worse, which is why wounded pastors are flocking to specialized ministries that offer professional assessments, intensive counseling, and peaceful retreats.

For the past three years, my wife and I have been living hundreds of miles from the church we once joyfully served.  We’ve asked ourselves, “How did we get here?  Why did we lose so many friends so quickly?  What did we do to contribute to our exile?”  What’s ironic is that I possess a good-sized library on managing and resolving church conflict, and I think I understand the field fairly well.  Yet part of me continues to engage in self-reproach because I didn’t see the conflict coming – and neither did our church family.  The whole experience still seems surreal.

___________________

I’ll share the other half of the introduction next time.  If you’d like to purchase the book, you can obtain a signed copy from my website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org or you can spend a little less and secure the paperback or e-book at Amazon’s website at http://www.amazon.com/Church-Coup-Jim-Meyer/dp/1624199321/ref=dp_wl_cart1?ie=UTF8&colid=EWNKS64TGXCT&coliid=IN8XJYN9467QW

Thank you!

[i] G. Lloyd Rediger, Clergy Killers: Guidance for Pastors and Congregations under Attack (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997), 1.

[ii] Guy Greenfield, The Wounded Minister: Healing from and Preventing Personal Attacks (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2001), 15.

Read Full Post »

Why I Wrote a Book

Posted in About Restoring Kingdom Builders, Church Conflict, Church Coup Excerpts, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with Church Staff, Conflict with the Pastor, Current Church Issues, Pastoral Termination, Personal Stories, tagged , , , , on April 25, 2013| 5 Comments »

Over the past 3 years, I’ve been writing a book on a devastating 50-day conflict that my wife and I experienced in our last church ministry.

The book has now been published by Xulon Press and is titled Church Coup: A Cautionary Tale of Congregational Conflict.

The book is 291 pages long, contains 14 chapters, and has more than 150 endnotes.

Why did it take 3 years?

*Because I wrote 450 pages and had to pare it down.  (You can’t share everything that happened or the book would become unreadable.)

*Because I chose to edit the book myself … and that took twice as long as writing it.

*Because this may be my only shot at writing a book … and I wanted to get it right.

*Because I hoped that the longer I waited, the less painful the recounting of the story would be for everyone involved.

While the first nine chapters are a narrative describing the conflict, the last five chapters analyze what happened and place it in its larger context in the Christian community.

There are models for books like this, such as The Wounded Minister by Guy Greenfield, Too Great a Temptation by Joel Gregory, Why I Stayed by Gayle Haggard, Crying on Sunday by Elaine Onley, as well as the classic Clergy Killers by the late G. Lloyd Rediger.

When I wrote my doctoral dissertation on church antagonism informed by family systems theory, my professional editor could not believe that these kinds of conflicts happen in churches.  Pastors know they occur, as do denominational executives and parachurch leaders, but the average Christian remains unaware of how conflicts begin and are perpetuated.

While pastors and governing boards will profit from the book, I wrote it primarily for lay people, which is why I chose to tell a story.  In fact, I believe that lay people hold the key to preventing and resolving these kinds of conflicts, even when they occur behind closed doors.

Let me make four observations about the book:

It’s personal.  The book is my attempt to share what a pastor goes through when a small minority targets him for removal.  I’m in a unique position to do this because I’ve seen pastors treated this way all my life, starting with my father, who died less than two years after he was forced to resign due to a major conflict in a church he planted.

It’s not possible to lead a large volunteer organization without making occasional missteps, which is why I wrote a chapter called, “Mistakes I Made.”  But I contend that any errors I made were minor and resolvable.  I was not guilty of any major offense and should have been protected against the accusations made against me.

However, some people collected several minor offenses, embellished them, exaggerated their importance, and then accused me of all kinds of wrongdoing.  They chose to elevate their personal agenda over the desires of 95% of the congregation . . . the epitome of selfishness.

While I answer some charges in the book, most could easily have been cleared up if people had simply spoken with me in person.

It’s emotional.  From the beginning, I intended to write a raw book, but after letting some professionals review it, I made modifications.

Because the book rehearses how the conflict affected my wife and me emotionally, there’s a lot of pain involved, which several endorsers noted.  Maybe someday the pain will subside, but from what I understand, it probably never will . . . and not just for us.

That’s why I’ve subtitled the book A Cautionary Tale.  There are lessons we can learn from pain that can’t be learned any other way.

At the eleventh hour, I felt like scrubbing the whole project, but my family cheered me forward.  Why put all that effort into a book and then discard it?  Because I truly don’t wish to hurt anyone or reopen any old wounds.

But if you write about the crucifixion, you have to talk about Pilate, and Caiaphas, and the Sanhedrin, and Peter’s denials, and Judas’ betrayal.  There’s no way around it.

So I tried to put as much distance between me and those who attacked me as possible.  I don’t name the church or its community, and I give aliases to those who were integrally involved in the conflict.  Whenever I could advance the narrative without mentioning people by name, I did, and as often as possible, I attribute actions and decisions to groups rather than individuals.

In addition, I purposely tried not to attack anyone either personally or professionally.  While I vehemently disagreed with many decisions that were made, I try to express myself with grace.

A major conflict surfaces a range of feelings that you can’t conceal.  Before and during Jesus’ crucifixion, He experienced sorrow, depression, agony, abandonment, betrayal, and shock.

In the same way – but to a far lesser degree – there is no way to tell this story without relating strong emotions, especially outrage.  Since I’m a thinker more than a feeler, my account is usually restrained – but not always.

It’s prescriptive.  At the end of each of the first 11 chapters, I offer suggestions as to how to prevent these kinds of conflicts from happening in churches.  I offer counsel to pastors, governing leaders, and lay people alike.  The book is not so much a “look how much I suffered” lament as it is an attempt to point out mistakes that were made to help Christian leaders and churches handle these situations better in the future.

Paul wrote letters to 7 churches and 2 ministry leaders in the New Testament.  His letters to Timothy and Titus were for their eyes only.  But books like Romans and 1 and 2 Corinthians and Ephesians and Colossians were written to congregations and intended to be read aloud to affect the behavior of entire assemblies . . . and Paul often instructs them concerning how to handle the conflicts in their midst.

There’s so little in print on dealing with these challenges.  So the book’s last chapter deals with the problem of pastoral termination.  I offer prescriptions for eradicating this plague that causes at least 1,500 pastors per month to leave church ministry . . . often for good.

It’s redemptive.  While God did not cause this conflict, He did permit it.  After Joseph encountered his brothers in Egypt, he told them, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”

Much of my ministry in the days to come will be focused on helping congregations prevent these kinds of conflicts.  They are inherently destructive to churches, pastors, boards, and churchgoers alike.  (In fact, there isn’t one instance in the New Testament where churchgoers try to destroy one of their leaders.)

In my introduction, I quote Rick Warren – who is going through his own period of suffering right now – from his bestseller The Purpose Driven Life:

“God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others . . . . The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life – the ones you’ve wanted to hide and forget – are the experiences God wants to use to help others. They are your ministry! For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them. You have to stop covering them up, and you must honestly admit your faults, failures, and fears. Doing this will probably be your most effective ministry.”

This book is my attempt to carry out Rick’s words.  In fact, I felt that God was compelling me to write it.

If you’d like to buy Church Coup, you can order it at our website at www.restoringkingdombuilders.org

And if you find the book helpful, I’d appreciate it if you would tell others about it.

May God richly bless you, and remember the wisdom of Romans 12:18:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »