While going through some old church files recently, I stumbled upon a folder I forgot I had.
The folder contained documentation related to a couple who had once left a church I pastored. I’ll call them Harry and Mary.
Harry came to Christ under my ministry. A while later, I married him to Mary, a long-time Christian. They attended several small groups that I led.
I even invited Harry over to watch the Super Bowl with me one year.
During premarital counseling, I discovered that Mary struggled with a particular issue. While I made suggestions on how to manage things, there didn’t appear to be a long-term solution at hand.
Then one Sunday morning, I made a strong statement from the pulpit that reflected a value I held dear. I could have said it better, but I explained it and moved on.
But I had hit a nerve with Harry and Mary. They were incensed at what I had said.
Harry and Mary were part of a group that met after the first service. When they entered the room, they immediately began criticizing me to a new couple.
That new couple never returned.
I don’t remember receiving flak from anyone else after making my statement, but Harry would not let me forget it.
He made an appointment with me in my office and wanted me to apologize for the statement that I made while preaching.
If he had said, “Jim, I appreciate your ministry. I enjoy your preaching and have learned a lot about the Bible from you. But that statement you made really stung, and here’s why,” I probably would have said, “Harry, I still believe in what I said, but I admit to you I could have said it better.”
But that’s not what Harry did. He demanded an immediate apology.
Some pastors would have apologized on the spot. Others would have stood their ground.
I tend to come from the “stand your ground” group.
And all I could think of was, “If I apologize this time for something I said while preaching, is he going to demand more apologies in the future?”
If I apologized, I was extremely concerned about the precedent I would be sending.
So I tried to explain rather than apologize … but that wasn’t enough for Harry.
He and his wife wrote a letter to the church board. The chairman listened to the recording of my message.
The board’s conclusion: I hadn’t said anything wrong.
The board unanimously stood behind me, and Harry and Mary fired off another letter to the board, letting them know in detail why they were leaving the church.
Pastors would rather gather sheep than drive sheep away, but when sheep begin to threaten the shepherd, the shepherd must enforce boundaries.
Let me make four statements about people who threaten to leave a church:
First, making threats is a power move, not a love move.
Several years ago, I traced the English words “threat,” “threats,” and “threatening” throughout both Testaments and could not find a single instance in which those terms were used in a positive manner in Scripture.
When someone threatens us, they promise, “If you do A, I will do B” or “If you don’t do A, I will do B.”
Using a threat implies that the person making it (a) is superior to the person being threatened, and (b) views himself or herself as being indispensable.
While our world often operates by threats, that’s not the picture we receive in Scripture of how relationships operate in the body of Christ.
If I could do it all over again, I would have told Harry, “When you threaten me, I feel defensive and resistant. If you’ll calm down and rephrase how you feel, I can hear you better.”
Second, making threats damages innocent people.
I once served on a church staff and was approached by someone who told me, “If the pastor doesn’t start doing Such-and-Such, ten percent of the people in this church are going to leave.”
That wasn’t a warning … that was a threat.
Based upon our attendance at the time, ten percent equaled 25 or 30 people.
That’s a lot of attendees … a lot of volunteers … and a lot of givers. If they all left, it might take several years to replace them, and that can cause a pastor … or staffer … to panic.
My experience tells me that only a handful of those 25-30 people really felt strongly about the issue. In fact, the likelihood is that most people agreed to join the cause simply to support their friends.
Knowing what I know now, I would have told the person making the threat, “This isn’t the best way to handle this situation. Can you identify for me the two or three people who are most upset by this issue?”
If given their names, I would have said, “Chances are this is just their concern. If this is a personal matter, I encourage someone to go and speak with the pastor directly. If this is a policy matter, I encourage someone to go and speak with a board member directly. But I encourage you to stop speaking for anyone who is unwilling to go directly to the pastor or the board.”
Suggesting a wiser course of action may not always work, but it’s worth a try.
Third, making threats works all too often.
This is why people do it … at least, at church.
People would never make similar threats at work, or at a government office, but they’ll do it with God’s people. Why?
Peter Steinke writes in his book Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times that when some people use aggression and anger at church:
“Peace mongering is common. With tranquility and stability reigning as premium values, congregational leaders adapt to their most recalcitrant and immature people, allowing them to use threats and tantrums as levers of influence. Malcontents’ complaints never seem to cease. Unwilling to confront the constant critic, leaders set the table for the unhappy souls to have a movable feast of anxiety. By appeasing rather than opposing, leaders give control to reactive forces. Feed them once and leaders can be sure they will be back for more.”
Of course, that’s the problem when threats work: it’s guaranteed those same threats will be used again.
Finally, making threats should never be rewarded.
Once Harry went to power … and refused to shift into love mode … I knew what the outcome was going to be: he and his wife were going to end up leaving the church.
For a few weeks, they sapped the energy out of the congregation, the church board, and their pastor.
More than 95 percent of our congregation liked the church the way it was. People were growing spiritually and excited about our future.
But the more the board and I engaged with Harry and Mary behind closed doors, the less effective we were in ministering to the rest of the church.
Because of the energy sap, and because most people who make threats are never satisfied, I believe that most pastors and boards should handle similar situations swiftly but firmly by saying:
“We have listened to your complaints. We have made a decision, and we cannot support the way you have handled things. You have a choice: either stay at the church and support the ministry, or feel free to leave. The choice is up to you.”
Pastors should never make threats, either, and those that do should be given the opportunity to rephrase their threat. But if a pastor consistently says, “If you don’t do this my way, I will resign,” then a church board may reluctantly have to say, “Pastor, we don’t reward threats, so if that’s your final decision, we’ll accept your resignation.”
As a pastor, I hated it when people left the church, and tended to take it personally.
But sometimes, the best possible outcome is for unhappy people to walk out the door and never return … especially if they unwisely use threats.
And when people who use such tactics leave, throw a party!
I always did.
Restoring Kingdom Builders 
The Church Meeting That Never Happens
Posted in Church Health and Conflict, Conflict with Church Antagonists, Conflict with Church Board, Conflict with the Pastor, Pastoral Termination, Please Comment!, tagged attacking a pastor, challenging a pastor's leadership, church antagonism, church board and pastoral termination, church bullies, church members who complain, church members who threaten to leave, pastoral termination on April 15, 2015| Leave a Comment »
Good afternoon, church family. I’ve called this meeting today to share with you some additional perspective about the resignation of our now-former senior pastor, George Anderson.
Pastor George served our church effectively for nine years. Under his leadership, our attendance doubled, we’ve made inroads into our community, and many lives have been changed. For much of this time, I’ve served on the church board alongside him, and now serve as chairman.
As you may know, Pastor George had big dreams for our congregation’s future, and he was eager to share those dreams both in public and in private.
But over the past several years, two groups opposed to his plans emerged inside our church. One group was dead set against Pastor George’s desire to build a new worship center. The other group felt that it was time for Pastor George to leave.
When I first heard about these groups and their dissatisfaction with the pastor, I involved other elders and met with leaders from both groups separately, listening to them, answering their questions, and letting them know that I cared for them.
I told them our policy here at Grace Church: if you have a problem with the pastor personally, then you need to sit down and discuss it with him directly. But if you have a problem with our future plans or church policies, then you need to sit down and discuss your concerns with any of the elders. If we believe your concerns have merit, we’ll take them to the next elder meeting, discuss them, and get back to you with our decision.
This is exactly what we did on several occasions with members from both groups. They seemed satisfied for a few weeks, but then they’d start complaining all over again.
Then somewhere along the line, the two groups merged into one.
In the meantime, various members of this new group began bypassing the board and complaining directly to the pastor. But they didn’t just express their concerns: they began verbally abusing him, threatening his position and career, and promising to leave the church en masse if he did not agree to their demands.
At this point, I stepped in, trying to mediate the situation between Pastor George and this new group. But The Group wouldn’t budge an inch. They all threatened to leave the church if Pastor George did not resign.
Looking back, I made two mistakes at this juncture:
First, I should have recommended bringing in a conflict mediator or a conflict consultant to try and resolve matters between the pastor and The Group. Whenever a group in the church says, “Either he leaves or we leave,” the conflict cannot be resolved from inside the church. I didn’t know this at the time. Now I do.
Second, I should have stood more solidly behind the pastor. There are several individuals in The Group with whom I have been friends for years, and I couldn’t bear for them to leave the church. But The Group interpreted my wavering as a lack of support for the pastor and turned up the heat for him to resign. They began spreading rumors about him and his wife that simply weren’t true, and unfortunately, some people began to believe them.
When some people began attacking Pastor George and his family, he came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “This has got to stop. We can’t take this anymore. I am willing to offer my resignation in exchange for a severance package that will allow me to support my family until I can discern God’s next assignment for me.”
So the elders reluctantly accepted Pastor George’s resignation and unanimously decided to give him a fair and generous severance package so he and his family can heal in the days ahead.
But not only must Pastor George and his family heal: the people of Grace Church need to heal as well.
I have learned that in almost every situation where a senior pastor is forced to resign, the elders/church board do their best to act like nothing happened. They sweep sinful behavior under the rug, pretend to start over, and privately blame the departing pastor for everything negative that happened.
But that is not going to happen here at Grace.
Let me briefly share four steps that the elders are going to take to bring healing to our church:
First, the elders are going to identify and confront the members of The Group with their abuse toward Pastor George.
We made it very clear to members of The Group how to handle their disagreements with Pastor George, and they handled matters with power, not with love, which is not the way the New Testament specifies. Therefore, the elders will be meeting with every person in The Group.
We will ask each person to repent of their sin toward Pastor George, the elders, and this church family.
If they refuse, we will ask them to leave the church.
If they agree, we will ask for them to contact Pastor George and apologize. We will also let them attend the next meeting of the elders to apologize to us as well.
If they wish to stay in the church, they cannot hold a position of leadership for at least two years, and we will carefully monitor their conduct. We don’t want a repeat performance with a new pastor.
If you have been part of The Group, and you’d like to confess your part in our pastor’s departure, the elders will be available here at the front after today’s meeting.
Second, the elders will not tolerate any attempts to destroy Pastor George’s reputation or career.
The elders felt that Pastor George was a man called by God when we invited him to be our pastor, and we still feel that way today. As a human being, he made some mistakes at times during his tenure here, but he was never guilty of any major offense against Scripture.
When many pastors are forced to resign, some people inside that church later scapegoat the pastor for anything and everything that went wrong during his tenure. But this is playing into the devil’s hands, and we will not allow this to occur.
We believe that once he heals, Pastor George has a bright future in ministry, and the elders will do all in their power to make sure that Pastor George is spoken of in the highest terms here at Grace.
Third, the elders are aware that some people are going to leave the church over this situation.
If you came to this church because of Pastor George’s ministry … and most of you did … I ask that you stay and help make Grace a great church.
If you find that you miss Pastor George a great deal, will you come and speak with me or one of the elders? If after a few months, you wish to leave the church, just let us know that’s why you’re leaving.
If you want to leave the church because of the way the elders are handling things today, then be my guest.
I didn’t know this until the last several weeks, but whenever a pastor is forced out, many people leave the church.
When the elders keep quiet about why the pastor left, the healthy people leave.
When the elders are open about why the pastor left, the troublemakers leave.
Guess which group we want to stay?
Finally, the elders welcome your questions, comments, and concerns.
In many churches, when the pastor resigns under pressure, the elders put a gag order on the staff and congregation, telling them they are not to discuss matters at all.
But that’s how dysfunctional families operate, and we want to operate in a different manner: we want to tell the truth in love.
There are some matters that we will not discuss openly, not so much for legal reasons, but because we prefer to handle matters behind the scenes. If the elders sense that we need to go public with an issue, we may do that through the church website, the newsletter, through small group meetings, or through another public congregational meeting.
Our methodology is to tell you as much as we can rather than tell you as little as we can.
If you want to know why Pastor George resigned, please contact him directly. If he wishes to speak, great. If he doesn’t, that’s his business. We are not going to try and control him, and he is not going to try and control us.
The unity of a church is fragile at a time like this, and we’re tempted to blame various groups or individuals for what’s happened.
But I believe that unity is based on truth … not on cover ups or lies … and we’re going to put that theory to the test.
Do you have any questions for me?
Share this:
Like this:
Read Full Post »